Vision Of Escaflowne Fan Fiction ❯ Mark of a Goddess ❯ The Missing Light ( Chapter 19 )

Chapter Nineteen

The Missing Light

 

Hitomi was working hard to pull herself together after her realization that The Sun God was really the Judgment card. She almost felt ashamed of herself for not figuring it out before. Everything pointed towards it. How would Chid be able to sort out all the Tarot users if he wasn't able to judge the situation accurately and assign blame where blame was due? Why else would Van stutter when speaking to him? And lastly, it explained perfectly why Dryden had been nervous about meeting him from the start. Who would be comfortable standing in front of a person who knew all of your faults, weaknesses, disgraces and sins?

Hitomi forced herself to get control of herself. She bent down and started picking up the fallen Tarot cards, but she felt that something was changed here that added a much more serious aspect to the decision Chid had asked her to make. She didn't understand it. Why was he giving her the ability to choose Folken's fate? If Chid was the judgment card then Folken would be judged once he came into Chid's presence. So the decision was already made. Why was he giving her the chance to change things? It didn't make sense. She wasn't even directly involved.

She picked up the last card and slid the pack back into its cardboard box. She had to talk to Van and she had to take these cards with her. He was probably still in the training gym because the west wing hadn't been locked when she came into the library. She went over and tried to open the door.

Before Hitomi even got the door to the gym open, the cracking of Van's fireball shot against the door and slammed it shut on her.

Holy crap! He was pissed off!

Hitomi's first instinct was to turn around and go back into the mansion without speaking to Van, but … she had to talk to him and no matter how rip-roaring mad he was she was going to have to deal with him.

She went to grab the door handle again, but it was steaming from the heat of the fire, so she couldn't open it. She called up an ice mitten and was about to try the door again when it came open on its own accord.

Van was on the other side. He flung the door open wide and after giving her an icy cold stare, strode back to the centre of the training gym. “Knock before you come in here,” he said shortly.
“Well, I wasn't expecting to have my eyebrows blown off by your fireball at that exact second,” she said, entering the gym and kicking the door shut with her heel.

“You should have,” he said crossly. “What else would I be doing in here except practicing my elements? You know they are dangerous.”

“You're still mad at me?”

He nodded. “Yeah, I'm still mad at you,” he said as he lit another fireball.

Until the light from Van's fire got bright, Hitomi hadn't been able to see the gym well. The only light that had been shining had been one in the corner over the door she had entered by. Now she saw that the cinderblock walls had been scorched and burnt so heavily that they were almost crumbling. Cold air from outside was seeping through tiny cracks in the walls and making the room feel like it was almost part of the outdoors. Hitomi had no idea that Van had been practicing this hard.

“Dryden's not going to be happy when he sees this,” Hitomi said, looking at the walls.

“He won't care,” Van said, regarding Hitomi like she was a little girl. “It doesn't matter if I shake this manor down to the last brick, I can always repair it again. Don't you remember?”

She closed her eyes and shook her head. That was right! Van was master of this mansion now. She was always forgetting how things really were since she was a Tarot user. So many of the old rules for conduct were useless now, and Hitomi felt stupid that Van had to remind her about the blood pact. “Van, we have to talk,” she said gloomily.
“Really? What do we have to talk about?” he asked, as he wound up and served his fireball like it was a volleyball. It smacked against the wall where it ricocheted against the far corner and came hurling back towards Van. He put out his hand and caught it as lightly as if it were a tumbleweed. It didn't even look like he was touching it.

“That's pretty good!” she exclaimed. She wanted to admire him. She wanted to do something to show that even though she had played that terrible trick on him, she still wanted him.

“Save it,” he snapped. “Try to keep on topic here. What do we have to talk about?”

Hitomi tried to speak, but she was stumbling on her feet. She was right about Van. He was sure scary sometimes. Right now his eyes were practically glowing red.

When Hitomi didn't answer him, he went on. “I'm still furious with you and I can't see that going away anytime soon. I suggest you go back to our room and relax until I'm calm.”

“I don't think I can wait for that,” she whispered. She wondered if he had even heard her.

“Why is that?” he asked. Clearly, he had heard perfectly.

Hitomi shook her head in aggravation; she couldn't stand to beat around the bush for another second. She'd had it! She flipped open the Tarot card package she had been holding and selected Van's card. “As if we have time for the two of us to be squabbling!” she fumed. “If we had time, I'd do what you want. I'd go sit in our room and wait for you until I turned green, but we don't have time for that. Listen up Ace of Serpents!” Hitomi ordered as she tossed Van's card at him. It landed near his feet and he stooped to pick it up, his fireball extinguishing as he did so. “Tomorrow The Sun God is going after The Devil, and he's taking me with him. Now, I have to ask you - do you know who The Sun God is?”

Van flipped his card between his fingers like it was a pen from school or a cigarette. “I suppose you're saying that he's someone else besides my old roommate, Chid?”

“Yeah,” Hitomi said. “But you're so perceptive, Van. You seem to know all kinds of things that I do not. So, do you know who he is?”

Van looked at his card again, looking for a clue, but Hitomi didn't wait for him to figure it out on his own before she flicked the Judgment card at him.

Van caught it and looked at it. His eyes instantly flew wide open as he recognized the significance. “You're joking!”

“I'm not,” Hitomi said coolly.

“Where did you find this out? Did he tell you?”

“I'm not going to tell you how I learned it since we're not on good terms. Normally, I'd share almost everything with you, but since you're so mad at me, I want to keep my words brief,” Hitomi said snobbishly.

“Don't be--”

“Tomorrow,” she said haughtily, interrupting him. “He and I are going to the stadium in order to settle the score with The Devil. Afterwards, he says we are going after Folken for his crimes.”

Van looked as though Hitomi had hit him and knocked the wind out of him. He just stood there with his mouth hanging slightly open and his knuckles white as dragon claws.

Hitomi just let her words sink in.

“You don't mean that,” he said at last.

“Basically, Chid said that if he went to go judge him, then Folken would certainly die. He left it up to me whether or not he would meet with him tomorrow.”

“Why?” Van barked. “You're completely unrelated to this issue.”

“I don't know,” Hitomi said slowly. “I feel unequal to deciding whether or not Chid should meet with Folken. That's why I came to talk to you. You see, even though you think I don't see your side to all this - you're wrong. I sometimes think that I only see your side. You don't think that I tied you up tonight for your benefit, but I really don't want to see you become a murderer. If you kill Folken, you won't be a good person anymore. I know it in every cell of my body. You kill Folken and our love dies tomorrow. I can't stand for you to become that kind of monster, but …” Hitomi took a deep breath and hoped that her words would reach him. This was her last chance. “Whatever happens, it has to be your decision. I can't stop you from interfering with Chid's plan, so I have no choice, but to let you decide your own path. I'm not saying that I'll accept your wishes, but I will say anything - do anything - to compensate you for your losses … your parents, your family. If you let Folken go and forgive him - I will fill any hole in your life that has been left bare. I'll devote myself entirely to you. I'll completely give up my family and make you the only person in the whole world who matters to me,” Hitomi said, trembling head to foot. What she was saying was much more than a wedding vow. It was an offer to give herself entirely to him. Her hands were sticky and she was leaving greasy fingerprints on the smooth surface of the card deck. She was swapping between looking at Van's ridged, poker face and her hands. She didn't know how he was taking her bargain. Did he even think that she was worth anything? Maybe she wasn't. Now her gaze was locked looking downwards at her hands. She couldn't bear to look at Van just then. His serious expression betrayed none of his feelings and Hitomi couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking. She proceeded slowly. She couldn't stop shaking; even her voice wavered. “I probably can't have children, so I can't promise that I'll give you a boy or a girl or anything, so I'll give you the only thing I have …”

When Van spoke, his voice cracked, but Hitomi still got no clue as to what he thought of her. “Why do you keep saying that you cannot have children?”

Hitomi still didn't look at Van's face. She kept her head down and answered him as if she were a robot. “Once I become the Goddess, then I will stop bleeding. That means that I'll no longer have a period … and that means no baby,” she said, finishing the last words like she was admitting the worst kind of defeat.

“I see,” Van said, turning away from her and putting more than a little room between then. “I always thought the problem was going to be on my end.”

Then Hitomi looked up and saw his back was to her. He rubbed his neck absently. “Why?” she asked softly.

“Because I'm already a monster,” he said, using the same word Hitomi used when she described what he would become if he killed Folken.

“Van! You're not!” Hitomi cried, scrunching the remaining Tarot cards to her chest.

“Don't!” he ordered, sounding exactly like the Van she had met in the club - distant and exacting. Hitomi could see his shoulders heaving. At first, he didn't say anything, but when he finally did speak he sounded cynical and callous. “I'm in the mood to be sickeningly honest tonight, Hitomi, and so I'm in the perfect frame of mind to say the truth. I am a monster. Hitomi, I don't like to dwell on this, but have you forgotten that you are the only one for me? No one other than you could stand up to me. It's always been a nice bonus that I have been … achingly attracted to you, but I can't help but wonder if you understand anything about me as a Tarot user if you don't see how dangerous I am. I told you that I set fire to things accidentally. I couldn't get the handcuffs you put on me off, but that didn't stop me from `accidentally' setting the bedroom on fire. If you talk to Belinda, she'll tell you that she had to let me out a half an hour sooner than you wanted her to because I'd set fire to the carpet and the bed curtains.”

“What? I was just in the bedroom and it looked fine!” Hitomi gasped.

“Yeah, it looked fine because I went up and fixed it while you were talking to Chid,” Van said.

“… Oh,” she muttered in response.

“Have you forgotten? I melt snow around me! I am not fit to have an intimate relationship with someone who isn't tougher than me, and guess what? The only person who is tougher than me is you. I'm already a monster!”

“Are you trying to insult me? I hate it when you say that you have to be with me because of your fire!” Hitomi shot back, getting a little of her spunk back. She couldn't believe he was bringing this up now.

“I'm trying to be honest with you. I am a monster!”

“Stop saying that!” she belted.

“I guess an innocent young girl like you wouldn't like to hear that her new husband is really a demon, but I am,” Van said bitingly. It was almost as if he wanted to hurt her. “Chid came to see me tonight after he spoke to you. I didn't expect to see him, but he told me something interesting.” Van went on, changing the subject after a pause. “He talked to me about my elements.”

“Huh?”

“Watch this,” Van said, taking a deep breath and putting his hands together like he was clapping. Then he pulled them apart and slammed them together again. When he pulled them apart a second time there was a crackling stream of lightning between them smacking together like raw electricity.

Hitomi stared. “I didn't know you could do that!”

“That's not all,” he said. He clapped his hands together again and the sound of thunder echoed through the dead space of the training gym. The electrical current was gone when Van opened his hands. Then he waved his arm in the air like he was trying to catch water in his hand in a non-existent waterfall and the room blotted out to complete darkness. Even the light in the corner vanished and Hitomi was left in a warm bath of darkness. She couldn't feel the cold that had been slipping through the walls. Van's arms were suddenly around her and he was touching the side of her neck with the backs of his fingers. She was getting goose bumps. Van's lips were at her throat and he whispered, “And this is darkness.”

“I didn't know you knew how to do this,” she said. She was uncomfortable. His shift in mood had been too abrupt and she wanted him away from her. She couldn't stand for him to touch her when they were arguing. She wanted him back on the other side of the gym.

However, Hitomi didn't get a chance to protest before the light in the corner seemed to switch on again and Van let go of her and confidently strode away from her. She felt like he was acting as though he could take her or leave her. It made her angry, but then she remembered that before, she had used sex appeal to trap him. He was probably still angry about that. As a man, he probably didn't like being manipulated. She blushed and felt ashamed that she had been annoyed with him for grabbing her so suddenly. It was him showing her that he could play that game too if that's how their relationship was going to be.

She wanted to comment on it when he started his explanation of the two elements. “I have known how to call up darkness since I was given Folken's blood. I didn't want to say anything, because I hate sharing any sort of ability with him. I know they are just the common elements, but somehow I felt so dirty admitting to know how to do anything that he knew how to use.”

“But I changed into you twice. How come I didn't know that you could use darkness or lightning - especially tonight when I went to fight Folken?”

“I don't know. I never used darkness before now. I thought that I knew how to use it. I thought all I had to do was draw all my desire and concentrate on them - and it turned out that that was all it was. It is probably the easiest element I've ever used. I didn't have to do anything but think hard about everything I wanted. I almost called it once before, but somehow managed to avoid it.”

“When?” Hitomi asked.

“It doesn't matter,” Van said, turning away and clicking his tongue against his front teeth. “Anyway, I don't know why you didn't know how to use lightning. I'd been able to call it up before, but I have never had as much control over it as you saw right now.”

“Why didn't you tell me when you managed to get it to work the first time?”

Van rolled his eyes and folded his arms across his chest. “The first time I did it, I only got sparks, and I singed my jeans. That's what I get for practicing with a gun. I just didn't want to show you until I could really do something, okay?”

Hitomi was thinking about why she hadn't known about those last two elements when she transformed into Van. Then she remembered how she had sought Van's thoughts during her fight with Folken. She was searching for his reasoning and it hadn't been available to her. She thought that it was because Van wasn't going to forgive Folken, but maybe her power didn't go that far. She just wasn't a mind reader. “So, I don't know the exact thoughts of the people I transform into, only their feelings. That's interesting, eh?” Hitomi said reflectively.

“That's a relief,” Van said, pacing and shifting his position often. His arms were folded, then they were over his head, then they were in his back pockets, and then his front pockets.

“Why?”

He shook his head slightly, like he was annoyed and said, “I don't want you to know what I'm thinking.”

Hitomi looked disappointed.

“Look, I'm not a bad person. Is it so wrong of me that I want my thoughts to remain private?”

“No,” Hitomi said, matching him in irritation.

“Besides,” Van continued. “Chid's sort of got a corner on that market.”

“What do you mean?”

“I told you he came to talk to me tonight. He came to tell me that I wouldn't be able to master light. Light is an element that is mastered through righteousness, and he basically told me that I was shy of the bar,” Van fumed. “I don't know why it makes me so angry to have him come and tell me that I'm not a good person. Furthermore, he told me that I could never be righteous enough to call up light if I continued on the path I am on.” Van paused and put his arms over his head as he continued pacing. “I can't figure it out. What do I lack?”

Hitomi stared. Was he serious? “Van, it's obvious what you lack. Can't you see it?”

Van frowned.

“You need to give up your need for revenge against Folken. If you destroy him, you'll become him. Is that what you want? Chid's warning you that if you follow that path, light will never awaken inside you.”

“So what? You still think I can let him go for what he has done? Hitomi, you are so innocent! Sometimes it's painful you're so innocent. You think that murdering my parents is the only thing he's done? You always seem to leave the fact that he bled me for months out of your reasoning. Do you love me at all? You also seem to forget that he is a syndicate boss. Do you have any concept how many people have suffered because of his work there?”

Hitomi remembered all the documentation that she'd seen while researching the Dragon Slayers all those months ago when she lived in the attic of Van's house. Because of Miguel's treachery, she had always been inclined to believe that a lot of the information she'd read had been tampered with by Miguel, so she couldn't say whether or not it was accurate. That made her tie up all those facts she'd learned and put them in a filing cabinet in her brain that was marked `doubtful'. But the fact still remained that Van was right, Folken had been involved in a lot of really bad stuff from drug dealing to allowing Millerna and Kristy to be killed.

“I still don't want you to take your revenge out on him. It would bring a judgment down on you that you might not be able to escape from - and call me selfish, but I can't bear the idea of living the length of my life without you. I'll do anything to keep you safe. And don't you dare say to me that I don't love you! My love might not be exactly the way you want it, but it's there and it's real.”

“So, tell me `Tomi,” Van said, once she was finished. “What do you plan to do about Folken? Technically, Chid has left this in your hands, so what do you want to do?”

“I haven't made up my mind yet. I wanted to talk to you. I don't even understand why this decision was given to me, and for some sad little reason, I'd like to understand that first. If I understood that much, then I feel like I could make my decision without worrying that I was somehow making the wrong choice.”

“Well, you must be leaning one way or the other.”

Hitomi hated to admit this, but she thought that she had better say what her true feelings were. If she wasn't honest with Van now, then they might misunderstand each other forever. “I'm inclined to let him go,” she said, quietly.

Van narrowed his eyes and swore.

“Don't say another word!” she cried.

“Wasn't going to,” he spat.

“I can't help it! I don't want to be responsible for someone's death. I'm a friggin' kid! I'm not a judge or a jury. I haven't heard his case, or anything! I don't have any experience with this sort of thing at all. My feelings tell me that something can be salvaged from all this. I feel like he's sorry for what he's done and that he wants a way out, but he can't find it. He can't find a way to give up his faults and start again. If he would promise me that he would disband the Zaibach group and start a new life then I would let him go.”

“Is that so? And if he didn't change?”

“Then I guess I'd let Chid have him, but that hasn't happened yet. I want to deal with the present now. Don't you see? There is a chance for him to start again. Chid is going after Dornkirk tomorrow and once he's gone, then maybe Folken really can break free.”

Van put his hand to his forehead. “You are so simple. You really think that this can all be solved by something so simple as killing his master when Folken has done everything he's done so that he could be the heir to the Zaibach Group? He'd probably thank you for taking care of the old man for him.”

“You are too cynical,” Hitomi said, squelching Van's reasoning. “Besides, I can't help the way I feel. So, what are you doing to do? You haven't given me an answer to my deal.”

“You for Folken,” Van said pensively. “It feels like blackmail. If I don't let Folken go, are you saying that you'll leave me?”

Hitomi gulped. It did look that way, didn't it? But if Van became a murderer then wouldn't he have a similar fate to Folken's? If Folken met with Chid, he would die. Does that mean that Van would die if he met Chid afterwards? Hitomi cleared her throat and said weakly. “The consequences might be more severe than that.”

“Huh …” Van said. His eyes were downcast, and Hitomi couldn't see his exact expression. Then he turned his face away from her and walked towards the fountain. He sat down on the cement lip and put his hand in the water. For a moment, he didn't speak, but Hitomi waited for him to find the words he was looking for. “I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can forgive Folken. The understanding I got from Chid was that it didn't matter if I was the one to kill Folken or not, it was all meaningless if I couldn't find it in my heart to let it go. He said that the evils in my heart were just as dangerous as the evils in my hands.” Van paused, “I don't know why, Hitomi, but when you told me that you would give me everything you had in exchange for Folken - it felt like my heart would break. You said you would fill all the gaps in my life and to me that includes the gap that was left when my mother was killed. She would definitely plead for Folken the way that you have. I know she loved him. She cried when he left, and the last time I saw her.” His voice trembled and for an instant, Hitomi was sure that he was crying, but when he spoke again his voice was hard. “If all you want is for me to refrain from killing him myself, then I could probably do that if I knew that you were not going to get in the way of the punishment he deserves from Chid, but since it sounds like you plan to let him go - then I feel torn up inside, like I need to make a decision before that. I can't just sit here and do nothing. Since I'm going to be equally condemned for hating him as I would be if I stopped his heart myself, I may as well get the satisfaction.”

“No, Van! Don't say that,” Hitomi interrupted.

“Listen, I've got to think about this,” he said, not turning to even glance at her. “And I've got to be alone in order to think properly.”

She turned to leave, but she wanted to tell him something before she left. “Van, I wanted to tell you one more thing.”

“Oh?”

“I'm sorry that I used your feelings for me as a tool to lock you up. As long as I live, I'll never do something like that again. You are my husband and I ought not to have done it. I won't offer up an excuse, because I wouldn't like to be treated that way either. I'm very sorry,” she said, bowing slightly and then proceeding to the door.

“Hitomi,” Van said, stopping her. “I have to tell you something, too.”

“What is it?”

“I can't take you up on your deal, but I want to tell you why. You're right that I am missing a lot of things from my life, but I haven't noticed that they were not there when we have been together. The problem is that once we are separated, my problems resurface and I have to face them myself, anyway. Unfortunately, it is not in your power to fix me. Also,” he said, and he sounded like he was keeping himself under the tightest control. It sounded like he was keeping himself from screaming. “I don't want to you to offer yourself to me for Folken's sake. It disgusts me because it makes it seem like you care enough for him to give yourself to me, but … I know that that's not what you meant when you thought it up. Just never mention it to me again. I only want you to give yourself to me if you want to - like when we got married. I didn't want your father to give you to me - I want you to come to me.”

Hitomi swallowed and couldn't find a voice to say anything. It was at times like this that she was certain they were meant for each other. She loved him so much!

“I always thought that had already happened,” he went on, “but what you've said tonight makes me think that there is a part of you that you are holding back. Well, I'll see if it's possible to me to become the kind of man who deserves all your love and not just portions.” Then he paused. “You'd better leave now, Hitomi. Please forgive me if it turns out to be impossible for me to be that man.”