Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Are You Steady Now? ❯ Too Much to Think ( Chapter 2 )

“Are You Steady Now?”

Part 2: Too Much to Think

By: Omni-sama

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Ratings, disclaimers, etc. found in first chapter

 

Note: I do not know Rex's real name, nor was I able to find it. So, I made one up for her. If anyone happens to know her official real name, do let me know so I can make the appropriate changes, please?

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Ryou stared blankly at his computer screen. There were several windows open to different assignments and tasks he had to work on. A couple of spreadsheets, a report, and a large file of accounts and records all stood open on the glowing screen, each window overlapping the other. But he didn't see any of them.

 

He saw instead a constant replay of the dream he'd had last night. Considering the content of the dream, it wasn't exactly appropriate for one to be thinking of while in the office. It was the dream about the male lover with a woman's name. Last night, however, something had been different. Never before had he clearly seen the man's face or any distinguishing features at all. So, when the dream man came into sharp focus last night, he'd been shocked. What shocked him even more was the man's face.

 

Last night he dreamed he had sex with his best friend Ran.

 

Of course, he blamed it all on the conversation he'd had with the man before heading home. It made sense, after all, considering the subject of part of the discussion and also the fact that he found his friend to be the most attractive person he'd ever seen. But the dream had been so much more vivid than it ever had been before. When he'd woken up, he was surprised that he hadn't cum and embarrassed himself. Instead he was lucky enough to be able to sneak off to the bathroom to finish himself off while Asuka remained asleep and oblivious.

 

Shifting a little in his seat, Ryou did his best to try to forget about the dream. It was just too damn difficult, though! Even though he was calling Ran by another name in the dream—which he still couldn't remember once he woke up—he had felt as though he was really truly making love with the man. It was so incredibly real, far more real than a dream had a right to be.

 

And what was he supposed to do now? How could he face his friend after having a dream about him like that, then beating off to thoughts of him afterwards? God, he was the worst! Absolute worst! Friends just didn't do that. It just wasn't right to whack-off to thoughts of fucking your best friend.

 

What was worse was that there was a part of Ryou that kept reminding him that Ran was gay, and so he might stand a chance with the man if he decided to pursue. That little part of him sparked another part to agree and encourage him, reminding him that he felt way more at ease around Ran than he did Asuka. But then that would remind the rest of him that he had Asuka, and it would be cruel to just leave her after all she'd done for him. Then that would make the first two parts argue that he wouldn't have to leave her, just fuck around with Ran in secret. But that would get one particular part quite angry and insist that Ran deserved more than to be his mistress that he had to keep a secret. Of course, that always inspired the first two parts to then point out that he seemed to be placing Ran above Asuka in consideration, since it was only Ran that he insisted deserved better. And then that just led the rest of him into a depressed-sounding lament of how he was damned if he did and damned if he didn't.

 

At least all the internal arguing distracted him from the erotic fantasies enough to make it so he wouldn't embarrass himself if he stood up. But now he felt frustrated in another sense, and was sorely tempted to start banging his head against his computer screen until either his skull or the monitor broke. Just as Ryou was eyeing the screen with suicidal/murderous intent, Arai Koji decided to pay his desk a visit. Needless to say, in his current mood, Arai was the last person Ryou wanted to see.

 

“Itou!” The greeting was warm and excited, but not loud enough to distract the other office workers nearby as Arai made himself comfortable leaning against the edge of Ryou's desk. His next words were quieter as he leaned in closer, the smile on his lips growing and his eyes gleaming in a way that made Ryou want to punch him. “I just gotta thank you for introducing us to Fujimiya, man. Last night he and I hooked back up after everyone started heading home. He's really…great to hang out with. Really great.”

 

He did his best to seem interested and friendly, but something in the way Arai said the last “really great” had Ryou glancing at the cord to his mouse with the sudden urge to wrap it around the other man's neck and pull. Hard. “I'm glad that I was allowed to bring him along so often. He has become a very good friend of mine.” Unable to help himself, he felt his smile grow harder and take on a more dangerous and challenging edge. Arai noticed the change as well as the potential meaning behind Ryou's words, and his own smile shifted just slightly.

 

“That's good,” replied Arai with false cheerfulness. “By the way, how's the wife doing?” The wicked look that flickered in his eyes for a split second let Ryou know that the sudden shift in topic had a purpose.

 

Ryou felt he was gritting his teeth now more than smiling. “Asuka's fine. How kind of you to ask.”

 

“I'm glad to hear she's doing well. If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work.” Forced smiles were exchanged once more before Arai pushed away from the desk and walked off towards his own. Ryou continued to glare at his back long after he had taken a seat.

 

That conversation was not helping his current state of distress. So Ran and Arai had hooked up last night? Hooked up in what way? Did they just talk? Was it a date? Did they kiss? Fondle? Fuck? Jealousy and anger washed over Ryou, as well as the strange feeling of betrayal. It all served to make him even more confused. Ran wasn't his lover; he could do whatever the hell he wanted—whoever the hell he wanted. What right did Ryou have to get upset over it? He had a wife at home. Well…someone who was like a wife.

 

Looking back at his computer screen, Ryou let out a sigh as he noticed that his day wasn't even half over. There was no way he could survive the day like this. It was hard enough for him to stomach his job when he was in a normal mood, but to attempt to do so in his current state? Not going to happen. Gathering his cell phone and keys, Ryou rose from his desk and walked silently towards the exit. He didn't even respond to the questioning glances from his peers or the calls from his supervisor telling him to stop and explain himself. He just kept walking. Once he was out on the street and a few blocks down from his office building, he finally stopped long enough to pull out his cell phone and hit one of the buttons for speed dial.

 

“Takatori Mamoru-san's office, how may I help you?” greeted a familiar woman's voice after only two rings.

 

“It's Itou Ryou. Is Takatori in today?”

 

“Hello, Itou-san.” Instantly her voice grew warmer, losing some of the impersonal quality of professionalism. “Yes, Takatori-san is scheduled to be here all day. Would you like to schedule an appointment?”

 

“Only if you're sure it's not an inconvenience.”

 

There was a definite smile in her voice when she responded, “It's never an inconvenience for him to see you, Itou-san. When would you like to come in?”

 

“When's the earliest he's available?” Absently looking around, Ryou noticed that the streets were nearly deserted this time of day while everyone was either in school or at work. Across the street he saw a couple of tourists wander around with lost expressions on their faces. He bit back a chuckle.

 

“It's urgent, then? Is something wrong?”

 

Drawn back into the conversation on the phone, Ryou was reminded why it was he was even standing on that corner and calling to make an appointment to see his friend. “Ah… Yeah, in a way. I really need to talk to him.”

 

“Hmmm… Well, he has a meeting in fifteen minutes, but it shouldn't take long. I'd say he'll be free in about half an hour. You're welcome to come and wait here as early as you'd like.”

 

He smiled, making a mental note to buy the lovely secretary a flower as a sign of gratitude. “I'll be there shortly, then. Thank you.”

 

“It's really no problem, Itou-san. I'll let Takatori-san know that you'll be coming.”

 

Ending the call, he put the phone away in his pocket and turned to start heading towards the building Takatori's office was in. He was glad that the building was in Nihonbashi as well, and not too far from where he worked. It took him only a few minutes to navigate the practically empty sidewalks and side streets—stopping momentarily, of course, to buy a single dark pink rose—until he found himself in front of the large building that reminding him a bit more of a five-star hotel or elite condominium than an office building.

 

Entering the elaborate lobby, Ryou was waved on by the security guards without being asked for identification or what his purpose was. He was never asked, even the first time he went there to visit his friend. In a way he found it rather odd that everyone just accepted him being there, but he supposed it made things easier so he had no reason to question against it. It was a quick trip up to Takatori's office once he boarded the elevator and entered a code that his friend had given him. The elevators in that building were so smooth and fast that they never ceased to amaze Ryou with how quickly he would arrive on the top floor. Within minutes, the doors were sliding open to reveal the small reception area in front of the double-doors to Takatori's office.

 

Takatori's personal secretary—Kurosawa Himeko, if Ryou remembered correctly—sat behind her desk and looked up at him with a gentle smile. Ryou always wondered if her hair really was that dark bluish-purple color, or if it was just the lighting. Shrugging the question aside, he returned her smile and approached her desk as he extended the single rose. “This is for you. Dark pink signifies thankfulness.” Watching her cheeks blush softly as she accepted the rose, his smile grew and for a moment he felt like offering a wink.

 

Just as he was pondering over that rather out of character urge, one of the double doors opened. Turning, he watched as a man stepped backwards a little through the doorway as he continued to speak to Takatori inside. “Jawohl, mein führer,” the man in the doorway called to Takatori before stepping back and fully out of the room and shutting the door with an amused snicker. Ryou stared curiously at the man's long, flame-colored hair before the redhead turned around to fully face the reception area.

 

As soon as the stranger spotted Ryou, his eyes widened just slightly for a moment before a secretive smirk spread over his lips. It looked as if he was laughing silently over a joke that only he knew, and it unnerved Ryou for a moment. But then Ryou was distracted by the man's blue eyes, handsome face, and incredible body. The long, wild orange hair only seemed to add to the man's appeal, and Ryou couldn't help but admire the aesthetics of the overall package. Suddenly he noticed the man's expression change from twisted amusement to utter confusion.

 

“Is something wrong?” he asked the foreigner—for Ryou assumed by the words he'd said earlier that he was German.

 

Shaking his head as if to snap himself out of something, the man responded with a slightly amused “No, nothing. Sorry, I thought you were someone else for a moment, but I was obviously mistaken. I realized you most certainly aren't him.”

 

The words puzzled Ryou for a moment, but then he remembered how he met Takatori in the first place and something clicked. “Ah, the friend of Takatori's that went missing evidently resembles me. Could that be who you're thinking of?”

 

Once again the smirk found its way to the redhead's lips, and his eyes twinkled with another secret joke. “Yes, that's it exactly. You look very much like him, only…not. It would be easy to mistake you for him at first glance, but you two aren't exactly alike.”

 

“Schuldig.” Ryou turned in surprise at hearing a harshness in Kurosawa's voice that he'd never heard before. The German laughed and brushed past Ryou in order to walk over to her desk.

 

“Yes, yes, I know. Anyway, Rexy-dear, I'm supposed to go over this with you before you deliver it to one of the kittens.” The stranger—Schuldig, Ryou was assuming—waved a folder he was holding before plopping it down on the secretary's desk.

 

“Schuldig,” she scolded again, glaring at him and lowering her voice to a scathing whisper.

 

Ryou blinked, not entirely certain what to make of all of this. The German certainly was cryptic in the way he spoke. He supposed “Rexy-dear” and “kittens” were nicknames that the man had given the secretary and…someone else. But what confused Ryou even more was the man's name. “`Schuldig'? Your name means `guilty'?”

 

Both Schuldig and Kurosawa froze and turned to give Ryou a strange and disbelieving look. Schuldig was the one who managed to find his voice and speak, however. “You know German?”

 

That gave Ryou pause for a moment, and he asked himself that mentally as he attempted to figure out how he translated the name. “I… I'm not sure.”

 

Raising a brow, Schuldig crossed his arms and spoke to him in German, very casually saying “You're very attractive, and I noticed you checking me out. Would you like to go out later tonight and have some fun?”

 

Ryou blinked again, then smirked in a way that practically mirrored Schuldig's earlier smirk as he responded in German with “Thank you for the offer, and I do find you rather attractive, but I'm having enough problems dealing with one redhead at the moment. Things would get a bit too complicated if I added another one.”

 

Kurosawa looked from one to the other in confusion, while Schuldig chuckled and shook his head. “I see,” Schuldig responded, still speaking German, “I should have known. Maybe another life, perhaps?”

 

Perplexed at the words, despite knowing their meaning, Ryou nodded a little. “Perhaps.” He then turned his attention to Kurosawa. “Is it alright to go in now, do you think?” She nodded, confusion still written all over her face, and he took the cue to turn and enter Takatori's office.

 

Takatori was sitting at his desk, glaring down at some papers, but his expression brightened considerably as soon as he looked up to find Ryou entering. Naoe Nagi, a silent young man that Ryou knew to never be too far from Takatori's side, stood behind Takatori and to his right. Ryou cast the bodyguard a brief glance before focusing his attention on his friend. Takatori rose from his seat and motioned for Ryou to sit in one of the plush chairs positioned in front of the desk. Smiling at his young friend, Ryou took a seat as indicated.

 

“So what brings you by,” questioned Takatori as he sat back down. “Kurosawa-san said it was something urgent. Is everything alright?”

 

“It's not urgent in that it's anything life or death… I mean… It's really just that I'm frustrated about something rather important, and I don't have anyone to turn to except you. I need some advice.”

 

“Advice?” Takatori's eyes widened with a childlike expression of surprise and curiosity. For a moment, Ryou was reminded just how young the man before him really was. “Of course, you can come to me for anything. I'll do what I can to help.”

 

“Are you sure it's alright to visit you about this now, though? I mean, I wouldn't want to get in the way of your work.” Once again Ryou worried that coming to Takatori in the middle of a workday like this would be inconvenient for his friend. “If you'd rather, I can go now and we can talk about this later when you're free.”

 

A dismissive wave of the hand and a chuckle from Takatori worked to dispel his anxiety. “No, it's no problem at all. I've got plenty of time right now. So, what's wrong?”

 

“Ah. Well…” Now that it was time to actually talk about it, he found it rather difficult to put into words. Sure, it had been easy to put into words mentally when he was arguing with himself, but things change once you say them aloud. Taking a deep breath, he decided that stalling anymore would just be wasting his friend's time, so he plunged on ahead and let it all start flowing out. “I was thinking of making things official with Asuka, but there's a friend of mine that I can't stop thinking about, and it's confusing me because I care about Asuka and all but I really think I might be falling for this guy, and I mean I'm even starting to have dreams about him now where he's the lover that I left behind after my amnesia, which I know is insane and that he's not, but I can't help that my desires have superimposed his face onto the body of my dream lover, even though it's not really a “dream lover” since I'm pretty sure it's the faded memory of the man I left behind, like I said, but still I…” He trailed off as he noticed Takatori staring at him as if he'd gone insane.

 

“Once again but slower and with breaths taken, please.”

 

“I was thinking of making things official with Asuka, but I think I'm falling for my friend. My male friend. And I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to remember my past lover in my dreams. And that's a man, too.”

 

The room fell silent for a moment as he allowed Takatori to absorb that information and process some type of response. “So, the advice you want is concerning your relationship with Asuka or your relationship with your friend?” Takatori raised one dark eyebrow, studying his older friend's face with interest. Naoe continued to impersonate a statue.

 

Ryou bit his lip. “Both.”

 

“Ok, I think I understand… So you were thinking of marrying Asuka for real, but then your feelings for this other guy started getting in the way of those plans. Now you want to know if you should still go through with marrying her, or if you should leave her and pursue that guy?”

 

Ryou thought for a moment, trying to figure out if that was a sufficient summary of his quandary or not. “That's pretty much it, yeah…”

 

Takatori nodded a little and rose from his chair to walk over to the wet bar on the wall opposite the exterior wall which was simply a giant window overlooking Tokyo. “I think you should marry her.” His response was casual, as was his follow up question of “Can I get you something to drink?”

 

“I'm fine, thank you. And why do you think I should marry her? What about my friend?” Ryou turned in his chair to watch Takatori as he went about pouring himself some water into a very expensive looking crystal glass.

 

“What about him?” the younger man questioned back with a shrug as he turned and took a sip of his water. “No one said you two couldn't be together if you're married.”

 

Ryou was shocked speechless for a moment, not expecting a suggestion like that to come out of his friend's mouth. “Are you implying that I cheat on Asuka with him?”

 

“It's not as if it's something uncommon. Ryou, for God's sake, this is Japan. Marriage is rarely something done for love and is traditionally something done out of duty, obligation, the desire for children, and many other reasons that have nothing to do with affection. It's actually why the divorce rate is so low. If you marry for love, then there's a good chance that someday down the line you'll fall out of love. And, since love was the only thing that brought you two together to begin with, once it's gone there is nothing holding the marriage together. The marriage will go sour. But, if you marry for a specific reason, it is that reason that keeps the marriage going. Usually men don't even see their wives as sexual objects after they've had their first child. Why the hell do you think there's so much porn to be found here? Why there's so many magazines catered towards salarymen that are filled with nothing but smut? Why there's a problem with men molesting women on the trains? Jesus, Ryou. Do you know how many companies would go bankrupt if everyone decided to marry out of love and lived happily ever after?” Takatori took a break from his little tirade to sigh and take a long gulp from his water. Ryou continued to stare at him in disbelief.

 

“Don't you think that way of thinking is a little outdated?” he eventually found the wits to ask his friend.

 

He received a snicker for an answer and had to wait for Takatori to finish with another gulp before he'd get a verbal response. “No, that way of thinking is still very much alive and kicking. But yes, there are more and more now who are trying to do the whole marriage-for-love thing. The point is, no one would blame you for marrying her for reasons besides love, and no one would blame you for seeking a lover outside of your home. Granted, most men usually wait a few years before taking a lover, but to each his own.”

 

Frowning, Ryou tried to picture a life where he was trapped in a loveless marriage while the one he really cared for was reduced to being the “other woman”. “That just doesn't seem fair.”

 

“Fair? To whom?” Takatori turned to pour himself some more water, though he kept glancing over his shoulder to show that he was listening.

 

“To any of us. To me, to Asuka, to Ran.” The sound of glass breaking shocked Ryou to his feet. “Are you alright?” he asked, taking a step towards his friend only to be intercepted by Naoe. He watched silently as the quiet bodyguard gently took his friend's hand and examined it for any wounds, despite Takatori's protests.

 

“I'm fine. The glass just slipped. I'm not even cut.”

 

Obviously satisfied from his inspection and from his boss' words, Naoe returned to his place in the corner. Ryou slowly moved back to his seat as Takatori angrily walked over to his desk. The young man didn't sit down, however, but leaned one arm against the desk, turned slightly away from Ryou. He remained like that for several long, silent moments before standing straight again and turning back to face the seated man. “What was your friend's name, again?”

 

That wasn't exactly what Ryou was expecting. Then again, he didn't really know what to expect at that moment. “His name is Ran. Fujimiya Ran.”

 

Ryou watched in curious amazement as anger flashed over Takatori's face, only to be quickly replaced by sadness, and finally something akin to resignation. “Earlier when you were rambling… You said that you have dreams of a former lover?”

 

Hesitantly, Ryou nodded.

 

“And you said that you've started to dream of Fujimiya as being that man?”

 

Again, Ryou offered a hesitant nod. His friend seemed rather volatile at the moment, and he didn't want to make a wrong move. “But it's not him,” he offered with a voice just as hesitant as his nods. “The man in my dreams has a woman's name.”

 

A sadness came over Takatori's face again, and Ryou could have sworn there was a great deal of regret there as well. “You should stay away from Fujimiya.”

 

“What?” All of his hesitance melted away to anger and alarm, and he jumped to his feet as if challenged to a fight. “And just why should I?”

 

Takatori only spared him a tired glance before moving to take a seat behind his desk. “Because I know Fujimiya. He's just using you.”

 

For a second Ryou just stood there, but as soon as the words sunk in, it felt as if someone had hit him in the gut with a heavy punching bag. He was knocked back into his chair with the force of it, and the air was pushed from his lungs. A breathless “What?” was all he could manage as a response.

 

“He had a lover that died,” Takatori paused when he saw Ryou nod his head to show that he already knew that. “Well, that lover looked a lot like you.”

 

“Like your friend that you mistook me for?”

 

“Yes. We found out later that he wasn't just missing, he had died.” A sadness even greater than the ones he saw before filled Takatori's eyes, and the young man looked down at his desk to attempt to hide the pain.

 

“So, that friend was his lover?” What a small world it was after all, he thought to himself with bitter amusement.

 

“Yes.”

 

“And now you think he's using me as a replacement?” Takatori didn't answer, but he didn't need to. He'd already said it. Ryou chewed on these new bits of information, but something didn't taste right. “I don't see how, since Ran and I aren't lovers.” But that wasn't it… That wasn't what made this all taste vaguely off, like milk that was a couple of days old. He couldn't put his finger on the exact cause, however. It just nagged at him and lingered in his mouth with its bad aftertaste.

 

Takatori looked up at him, slightly confused. “But you said…”

 

“I said that I was interested in him. I made no mention of him being interested in me. He even went out with another friend of mine last night.” His mood was not helped by that little reminder.

 

Considering Ryou's words, Takatori looked back down at his desk and let out a thoughtful hum. Eventually he nodded as if his mind had just held a meeting and everyone finally came to a consensus. “Then perhaps it would be best to start avoiding him now before he discovers your attraction and takes advantage of it. You have to understand, he's practically obsessed with his dead lover. You really don't want to be drawn into that obsession and used as a replacement. You deserve more than that.”

 

“But…” No, he didn't want to stop spending time with Ran! Ran was his best friend, the only one who really understood him.

 

“You wanted my advice, and I've given it. Marry Asuka and have a happy, normal life. If you eventually desire another lover besides her, then go for it. But not Fujimiya.”

 

Ryou looked down at his hands, which had somehow clasped together in his lap. “Would it be alright to at least keep Ran as a friend, do you think? He's a very good friend to me. One of very few.”

 

A short silence fell over the office again, but Ryou didn't look up to try to read his friend's expressions this time. “Do you think you'll be able to control your attraction and remain just friends?” Takatori eventually asked.

 

“Yes. I just don't want to lose his friendship.”

 

“Then it should be alright, I think.”

 

For some reason, Ryou felt like he was a child that had just been given permission to play with his favorite toy after leaving timeout. He looked up at Takatori with a relieved smile, and rose from his seat. “Thanks for listening to me, and for the advice. I really appreciate you taking time from your work me.”

 

Returning the smile, Takatori also stood and walked around the desk to shake Ryou's hand and walk him to the door. “It's no problem at all. I hope I was able to be of some help.”

 

“Yeah, you gave me a lot more to think about, but I think it's stuff that'll help me finally be able to sort all this shit out.”

 

“I'm glad. Please come by anytime, for advice or just to chat. I enjoy seeing you.”

 

As nice as he found this version of his friend to be, he thought it odd how different he was acting now as opposed to most of the time he had been there today. He wondered absently if Takatori didn't suffer from some mild case of disassociate identity disorder. Or at the very least, if he was bipolar.

 

When they made it to his office doors and Takatori opened one graciously, Ryou noticed that the German was no longer in the reception area. Kurosawa smiled at him from behind the desk and he gave her a smile and nod before turning back to face Takatori. “One last thing,” he said rather sheepishly, “In case you haven't noticed, it's kind of in the middle of the work day… And…I kind of left without permission…”

 

Takatori released a good-natured laugh and shook his head. “I understand. Don't worry, I'll make sure Saito-san doesn't fire you.”

 

“Thanks, boss.” Even though he didn't really like the idea of abusing his friendship with the owner of the company like this, he knew it would be the only way his supervisor, Saito, wouldn't fire him.

 

After exchanging a few more parting words and pleasantries, Ryou made his exit from Takatori's penthouse office and his gleaming skyscraper. He decided not to return to work, his mind still abuzz with his current problems. New information had been added to the mix, and he needed time to sort it all out and see where everything fit. He supposed Takatori had a point as far as the motivation of most marriages, and also about how it might not be a very healthy relationship if he attempted to pursue Ran. So really, his only options were marrying Asuka, or leaving her and finding someone else to marry. But if he went looking for someone else, chances are he wouldn't be able to find anyone as good a choice as Asuka. After all, Asuka cared for him, would do anything for him, was accepting of his flaws, and everything the perfect wife should be. So really, why go looking when you already have perfection waiting for you at home?

 

Still, shaking his attraction for Ran would be difficult. It was something he would have to do, however, if he didn't want to risk losing the man as a friend. If Ran really was as obsessed over his dead lover as Takatori said he was—which Ryou could believe after the cigarette thing last night—then Ryou really might be at risk of being used as a replacement. He'd much rather remain a good friend to Ran for the rest of his life than live as some dead man's stand-in. Marrying Asuka would probably help distract him from his feelings for Ran, as well. He could focus on starting a family instead of his attraction. It could work.

 

Deciding to head home, he turned his feet in the direction of the station. He only got one block before he stopped, distracted by a store and the contents it displayed in its huge picture window. Sparkling diamonds winked up at him from their shimmering settings of yellow and white golds. With a determined nod, he pushed open the door and entered the shop.

 

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To be continued…