Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Hansel & Gretel ❯ Hansel & Gretel ( One-Shot )

THAT'S IT!! I'M FINISHING A FIC NOW!!! NO MORE!!! No more procrastinating, no more homework, no more studying, I NEED TO FINISH A FIC!! *bows deeply* Isa-chan, I'm so sorry this took so long. I hope it's half as funny as your other fics.

Weiß aren't mine. This insane version of Hansel and Gretel starring them is though. I researched the original fable a bit and got most of the story from http://www.mordent.com/folktales/grimms/hng/hng.html it was actually a lot of fun writing this ^^

Rated R for language and lime! Not quite lemon, but it's still heavy content. You've been adequately warned!!

Hansel and Gretel: Weiß style

Everyone: -_-;;

kamibukurosama: Places everyone! I need this to go perfectly. Go to your rooms and put on the costume there. Memorize your lines, AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!! *cracks whip*

Ken: *pst! What's with her?*

Ran: *She started about twenty fics and none of them went anywhere*

Omi: *That and she hasn't been able to write a good fic in response to those of Isa-chan's*

Nagi: *And she's taking it out on us?*

Yohji: *dear god, I'm scared…*

Farfie: Anything that hurts god is to be done endlessly!

Schu: Baka! This hurts ME!!

*everyone leaves to go put on costume*

*kami impatiently taping her foot, whip in hand*

*AAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!! heard from every room*

kami: ^.~ They musta seen the script and their costumes *cracks whip* Hurry it up!!

Yohji: Ya know, that whip could be used for better things ^.~ *waggles eyebrows*

kami: Oooooh! O.O You betcha! ^.~ Now go get ready!

Yohji: >.< I tried…

kami: PLACES!! ACTION!!

*A forlorn little cottage*

Brad: *narrates* Once upon a time there lived a poor woodcutter, his wife and two children. They had to bite and scrimp for the little food they ate.

*Omi walks in, dressed like a woodcutter. Nagi is dressed as a pauper too, but female*

Omi: I like this costume! ^^

Nagi: *OOC explosive behavior* WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?! WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A GIRL?!

kami: *cracks whip at Nagi's feet* Behave, damn you!

Nagi: *sigh* I suppose I'll be fine.

Omi: You know, Nagi-koi, that apron makes you look very… *whispers in Nagi's ear*

Nagi: O.O *erection strains and tents skirt*

kami: LINES!! -_-

Omi: What is to become of us? How are we to feed our poor children, when we no longer have anything even for ourselves?

Nagi: I'll tell you what, husband, early to-morrow morning we will take the children out into the forest to where it is the thickest. There we will light a fire for them, and give each of them one more piece of bread, and then we will go to our work and leave them alone. They will not find the way home again, and we shall be rid of them.

kami: *nods* Very good guys!

Farfie: *pops up next to KAMI* Abandoning children makes God cry!

kami: *jumps* WAH! Where'd you come from? *heavy breathing* Hush you, or I may be forced to please god!

Farfie: Grrr… *menacing look*

kami: *shakingly holds whip* Chill, you know I didn't mean that, Farfie

Farfie: ^^

Omi: No, wife, I will not do that; how can I bear to leave my children alone in the forest--the wild animals would soon come and tear them to pieces!

Nagi: Oh, you fool! … Do I really need to be mean to him?

kami: I know, but it's in the script.

Nagi: Sorry Omi, if you want, you can use that big axe of yours later on me…

Omi: *nose bleed*

kami: ^^;; Can that wait?

Nagi: *resumes play* Then we must all four die of hunger, you may as well plane the planks for our coffins

Omi: ;_; *sigh* I agree, but I feel very sorry for the poor children, all the same…

*in the back of the cottage*

kami: You're up!! *cracks whip*

Ken: GYAH! What was that for?

Ran: Grr!! *glares at kami for scaring Ken*

kami: LINES!!

*Ken is wearing a tattered dress and Ran is in tattered clothes as well*

Ken: *mutters* Why the dress, of all the stupid things…

Ran: You don't look that bad, besides, the skirt makes things easier later…

Brad: The two children, Hansel and Gretel were awake from their hunger and overheard the conversation

Ken: Now all is over with us!

Ran: Be quiet, Gretel… Ken… whatever, do not distress yourself, I will soon find a way to help us.

Brad: While Gretel was slept, Hansel got his little coat, opened the door below, and crept outside. The moon shone brightly, and the white pebbles, which lay in front of the house, glittered like real silver pennies. Hansel stooped and stuffed the little pocket of his coat with as many as he could get in. He then went back in to Gretel.

Ran: Be comforted, Ken, and sleep in peace, God will not forsake us.

Farfie: FORSAKE THEM!! FORSAKE THEM!!

Brad: Gretel took solace in Hansel words of comfort

*noises can be heard from under the sheets from Ran and Ken*

kami: *cracks whip*

Ran: *dishelved hair* *GLARE*

Ken: Whaaaaaaaaat? He's giving me comfort! ^^

kami: *cues the sun to rise* It's morning you two!

Ran and Ken: ;_;

Brad: When day dawned, but before the sun had risen, the woman came and awoke the two children

Nagi: Get up, you sluggards! We are going into the forest to fetch wood! *hands them both a piece of bread* There is something for your dinner, but do not eat it up before then, for you will get nothing else.

Brad: They set off together. Gretel put the bread under her apron as her brother had pebbles in his pockets

Ken: Anou, can we not refer Ran as my brother? That… um…

Ran: -_-;; I agree.

kami: ^^;; I agree, that's… wrong… *shudder* Brad?

Brad: *nods* …as Hansel had pebbles in his pockets. They walked for a short time and every now and then, Hansel stopped to look back in the direction of the house.

Omi: Hansel, what are you looking at there and staying behind for? Pay attention, and do not forget how to use your legs.

Ran: I was looking at the white cat on our roof that seemed to be waving goodbye to us… was this even in the fable?

kami: Argh! *annoyed* Yes, I pulled up about ten versions of it and the older ones had a frigging cat in 'em, KAY?

Ran: -.-

Nagi: That is not a cat, you idiot! That is the sun shining on our chimney.

Yohji: w00t! Nagi! How the hell have you managed to hold you figure after having those two?

Ran & Ken: -_-;;

Omi: ^^;;

Nagi: *surrounded by a powerful, angry aura of telekinetic powers, suddenly everything is floating*

Yohji: O.O Uh…

kami: TAKE IT BACK YOHJI! HURRY! *tries to hold down her seat*

Yohji: *scared stupid*

kami: *cracks whip*

Yohji: X_X

kami: Nagi! I'll pay for the hotel room tonight! Just STOP!!

Nagi: ?? *everything falls back down* Luxury suite?

Omi: *hopeful eyes*

kami: *checks wallet* Anou, I'm not sure I can afford that…

Nagi: *things start to float again and Nagi's eyes begin to glow*

kami: WAAAH! FINE!! JUST GO ON WITH THE PLAY ALREADY!!

Nagi: ^^

Brad: Hansel, however, had not been looking back at the cat, but had been constantly throwing one of the white pebble-stones out of his pocket on the road. Soon they reached the middle of the forest.

Omi: Now, children, pile up some wood, and I will light a fire that you may not be cold.

Nagi: Now, children, lay yourselves down by the fire and rest, we will go into the forest and cut some wood. When we have done, we will come back and fetch you away.

Brad: The children slept soundly, hearing the strokes of a wood-axe that assured them that their father was near…

*sound effects tape suddenly goes all chipmunk*

kami: @_@ Yooooohji!! I need you to fill in.

Yohji: Wha? *shoved forward*

kami: I need you to make light whacking sounds!

Yohji: Uh, yeah… *idea* *slaps his thighs to sound like spanking* Oh yeah, HARDER!

kami: *cracks whip* NOT NOW KUDOH!

Yohji: *scared* um, "whack. whack."

Brad: They had been sitting and sleeping for a long time that they realized it was dark when they woke up.

Ken: How are we to get out of the forest now?

Ran: Just wait a little, until the moon has risen, and then we will soon find the way. There, there, everything will be fine… *Ran starts kissing Ken passionately*

Ken: Mmmm… Oh Ran… *straddles Ran's waist*

Farfie: God is crying!

kami: I'M gonna cry!! My play!! Don't you guys get enough in my other fics?

*Ran and Ken shake their heads*

kami: Bah, get serious, I'll let you guys go nuts later.

Ran & Ken: ^^ *stops for now*

Brad: And when the full moon had risen, Hansel took his little sister…erm, Gretel by the hand, and followed the pebbles which shone like newly-coined silver pieces, and showed them the way. They finally made it back home. They knocked on the door and the woman opened the door.

Nagi: You naughty children, why have you slept so long in the forest--we thought you were never coming back at all!

Brad: But the father was rejoiced for having his children return. He did not have the heart to hurt them.

kami: ;_; That was so touching! *teary*

Farfie: Grr! That pleased god! *lurks over kami*

kami: *cracks whip* Stop it already, I told you that god would be severely hurt, didn't I? LAY OFF!!

Yohji: By the way, where has Schu been the entire time?

kami: ^^;; Not even I am that evil. He'll come out when it's time. ^^

Yohji: oO

Brad: Not long after, they were down to their last loaf of bread.

Nagi: Everything is eaten again, we have one half loaf left, and that is the end. The children must go, we will take them farther into the wood, so that they will not find their way out again; there is no other means of saving ourselves!

Omi: *hangs head*

Brad: The father relented and sadly agreed. The children were still awake and Hansel couldn't leave to fill his pockets with pebbles because their mother had locked the door.

Yohji: *snicker*

Nagi: *telekinetically breaks Yohji's sunglasses*

Yohji: GYAH!

Ran: Do not worry, God will not forsake us.

Farfie: *chants* FORSAKE THEM! FORSAKE THEM!

Ken: -.-

*Ran "comforts" Ken during the night*

kami: Poor clean up crew -_-

Brad: The piece of bread was smaller than last time. As they left, Hansel crumbled it up and put it in his pocket.

Omi: Hansel, why do you stop and look round? Go on now

Ran: I was looking at the little white bird on our roof.

Nagi: Idiot! That is not a little bird, that is the morning sun that is shining on the chimney!

Brad: And Ran slowly left a trail of breadcrumbs as he looked back. Their parents led them deep into the forest, where they had never been.

Nagi: Just sit there, you children, and when you are tired you may sleep a little; we are going into the forest to cut wood, and in the evening when we are done, we will come and fetch you away.

Brad: At noon, Gretel shared her bread with Hansel and they both slept. When they woke up, it was dark again and Gretel was scared.

Ken: I'm scared.

Ran: Just wait, Gretel, until the moon rises, and then we shall see the crumbs of bread that I have strewn about, they will show us our way home again.

Brad: The moon finally rose but no trail of breadcrumbs could be seen. For thousands of birds had eaten them during the day.

Ken: What shall we do?

Ran: Worry not, we will soon find a way.

Brad: Hand in hand they walked, trying to find their way through the deep woods. They were so weary from hunger and exhaustion that they fell beneath a tree and slept. They have been out in the woods for three days and three nights now. One day, they saw a pretty white bird spread its wings and sing prettily.

Yohji: *flap flap flap* *whistle whistle whistle* -_-

Ken: What kind of pretty song was that?

Brad: They stopped and listened to it and eventually followed it to a small cottage. When they approached the house, they saw that the house was built of gingerbread, and covered with cakes and frosting and that the windows were of spun, clear sugar.

Ken & Ran: *drool*

Ran: We will set to work on that, and have a good meal. I will eat a bit of the roof, and you Gretel, can eat some of the window, it will taste sweet… *get other ideas and whispers into Ken's ear*

Ken: *enthusiastic nod*

*Ran gets frosting from window sill and Ken grabs the licorice lining the sides of the house*

*Both get naked, Ran ties up Ken with the licorice and eats the frosting off Ken's body*

Ken: OH GOD!! RAA~AAN!!

Ran: *has frosting all over his face, licking Ken everywhere*

Farfie: God is in pain!! ^o^

kami: SHH!! Don't disrupt them!! *drools at candy covered bishies* … Ack! Back to business, SCHUUUUUUU!!! YOU'RE UP!!

Schu: *from inside the candy house* Nibble, nibble, gnaw, who is nibbling at my little house?

Ken: *MOANS*

Ran: *GASP GASP*

Ken: FASTER, DAMNIT!

Ran: ANYTHING! *speeds up*

Schu: -.- I SAID, WHO THE HELL WAS USING MY HOUSE FOR BONDAGE AND LUBE?!

Ken & Ran: GYAH! *frightened*

*Schu is dressed like an old witch and even has a fake wart on his nose*

Ken: *tries to hold back laugh*

Schu: *GLARE*

Ran: *GLARE*s back

Schu: (GYAH! FINE!) Oh, you dear children, who has brought you here Do come in, and stay with me. No harm shall happen to you.

Brad: Then good food was set before them, milk and pancakes, with sugar, apples, and nuts. Afterwards two comfortable beds were covered with clean white linen, and Hansel and Gretel lay down in them, and thought they were in heaven.

*Ran and Ken have pushed the beds together and are screwing like insane bunnies under the covers*

Ran: Oh yeah, just like that… gasp… pantpant…

Ken: *growls seductively and continues to give Ran head*

Brad: *tries to ignore the two* The old woman had only pretended to be so kind; she was in reality a wicked witch, who lay in wait for children, and had only built the little house of bread in order to entice them there. *eyes the two* When a child fell into her power, she killed it, cooked and ate it, and that was a feast day with her. Witches have red eyes, and cannot see far, but they have a keen scent like the beasts, and are aware when human beings draw near.

Schu: I have them, they shall not escape me again! *evil cackle*

kami: Saaaaay, Schu, you're pretty good with the cackle!

Schu: @_@ Shut up!

Brad: The next morning, the evil old hag-

Schu: *GLARE*

Brad: -went into the bedroom and tore Hansel from the soft bed and promptly put him into a little stable a hung the heavy door closed.

Yohji: "Slam"

Ran: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! I didn't get my morning dose of Ken!! KEEE~EEEN!!!!

Schu: It is futile boy!! *cackle and shakes Ken awake* Get up, lazy thing, fetch some water, and cook something good for Hansel, he is in the stable outside, and is to be made fat. When he is fat, I will eat him.

Brad: Gretel weeped but it was futile as she forced to do what the evil witch commanded her to do.

Ken: DAMNIT! I don't want Ran to be fat! I love his tight body too much! T_T

Brad: For many days, the best food was cooked for Hansel and poor Gretel got nothing but oyster shells. To check up if he was getting fatter, she cried for him to extend his finger from the stable, but because her eyesight was poor, she could not see the little bone Hansel always extended.

Schu: *feels the little bone* Damn you! What does it take you to get fat? Argh!

Ran: BURP! *tries to do push-ups to get rid of the new flab*

Brad: The old witch grew impatient and decided she had waited enough.

Schu: Now, then, Gretel, stir yourself, and bring some water. Let Hansel be fat or lean, to-morrow I will kill him, and cook him! *cackle*

Ken: ;_;

Farfie: Unhealthy children hurt God! ^^

kami: Ah, yeah…

Farfie: Cannibalism makes God scream! ^^

kami: Suuure…

Brad: Early the next morning…

Schu: We will bake first so I have already heated the oven, and kneaded the dough. Creep in and see if it is properly heated, so that we can put the bread in.

Ken: (Psh! Yeah right!) Anou… I'm not sure how I am to do it? How do I go in? *innocent look*

Schu: Fucking yarou… I mean, no my silly goose, you get in like this. *pokes head into blazing oven*

Ken: LIKE FUCKING HELL!! *shoves Schu the rest of the way in*

Schu: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~AAAAAAAH!!!!

Farfie: *evil look* God is smiling! KAMIBUKURO!!

kami: WAIT, WILL YA?

Ken: *closed door behind him* Whew… that was close… um, I'm forgetting something… RAN!! *runs to stables*

Yohji: *opens the trap door to the oven, pulling out a crispy Schu*

Schu: COULD YA HAVE BEEN SLOWER KUDOH?! *takes out remaining flames over his body*

Yohji: -.- You really could be more grateful, ya know…

Schu: *mumbles curses and other not-so-nice things about Yohji*

Yohji: FUCK YOU!! *begins to shove Schu back into oven*

Schu: So you DON'T want any action tonight?

Yohji: *conflicted* Damnit! *pulls Schu back* Sorry, I didn't mean that…

Schu: I know *cuddle*

*The two begin to kiss and fall to the ground together

Ken: RAAN!! I KILLED HIM!! *unlocks the stable door* Ran! You're safe! You're…

Ran: Ken! *gets up to embrace Ran*

Ken: O.O Wah! *suffocated by a very fat, overweight Ran" Anou… Ran, did ya put on a few pounds?

Ran: Eh? *looks down* I can't see my feet…

Ken: @_@

Ran: Oh yes, this. Kami wanted me to gain weight for the role but instead I just put on this fat suit. *unzips fat suit and our lithe and muscular Ran emerges*

Ken: THANK GOD!!

Ran: Wait, you would have been disgusted by me had I been overweight?…

Ken: N-No! No, Ran, no matter what you look like, I'll always love you! Ya just surprised me, that's all. By the way, whatcha do with all the food I cooked then?

Ran: ^^;; Oh, I, um, ate some of it…

Ken: Wasn't it delicious? ^o^

Ran: ^^;; I, uh, yeah… *they begin walking out*

Ken: *trips* AHH! What the hell?

Ran: *picks up object* I think this was supposed to be turkey… *holds up charred turkey drumstick*

Ken: -.- Fine, whatever…

Brad: Being freed, they went back into the house and went into the deeper rooms. There they found immense riches and stuffed their pockets. They walked out of the witch's forest and in a matter of hours, saw their father at a distance.

Omi: YOU'RE ALIVE!!

Brad: The woman had died shortly after they were abandoned and once inside their cottage, the children opened their pockets and revealed the plethora of jewels, gold and pearls. All hardship was over and they lived happily ever after.

Ken: I'm happy.

Ran: Yes, so am I.

Ken: Let's go to the back room.

Ran: Yes, let's.

*They rush off and moaning sounds are heard within seconds*

Nagi: *emerges from backstage* Damnit, that sucked.

Omi: Oh, Nagi-koi! I couldn't stand you to be dead! Hey, I have an idea, let's continue the story and work on making more babies!

Nagi: @_@ Omi, I'm not really a woman, all we'd be doing is… !! KAMI!! WE'RE TAKING THE HONEYMOON SUITE!! *rushes off with a giggling Omi*

Brad: The end. @_@

Farfie: The evil people weren't really killed and the play was defiled every other minute. Thank you kami-chan for making God hurt!

kami: Uh yeah, that's why I did this…

Farfie: \^o^/

kami: Yeah, happy ending… x_X

~OWARI~

kami: *whew* I didn't think I could get through that. Wow, I did that in about two hours. I literally hade over 20 other fics that took days to get no where -_-

Omi: But you got this one done fine!

Ken: Yeah, and this had yummy things!!

Yohji: I was barely in this fic ;_;

kami: Gomen ne, Yohji. I promised you a fic with Omi, remember?

Yohji & Omi: ^^

kami: Isa-chan! This is dedicated to you for the wonderful inspiration of your other fics!! I'm sorry it took so long!

Schu: This is a friendly reminder to support actions against FF.net's decision to remove NC-17 fics.

kami: That's right! We can't have this!

Ran: *nods*

Ken: Now, won't ya leave a nice review for us? *beautiful smile*