Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Never Even Told You ❯ Things Gone Wrong ( Chapter 1 )

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 1. Things Gone Wrong

He smiled, he always smiled, even when his heart threatened to tear him apart, he smiled. Ken closed the door behind him and sank down on the bed. Finally he could drop his mask and let his feelings surface. It was hell on earth to work in the Koneko with Him there. With a shudder the brunette remember how it had used to be, before… before everything started to change. At first he hadn't noticed nor cared but the more time that past by the more it started nagging him in the back of his mind. Doubts started to infect his thoughts until he wasn't sure what to think anymore. With a sufficated sob Ken was pulled back to the night when it had all crumbled down around him.

******flashback******
He snuggled closer to Aya as his breathing fought to calm down. His skin was covered in a thin film of sweat and his heartbeat was rapid. The redhead he rested against was in the same condition. Ken had never experienced anything like the gentle love-making he had just been a part of. He was happy but still there was one small part of his brain had started questioning how Aya felt about him. His lover had never said that he loved him, not even when Ken had said it to him. The brunette sighed quietly. Why was he thinking thoughts like that? Aya did so much for him. Several times the redhead had recorded soccer-games without being asked, he went out of his way to always cook food that he knew Ken liked, he bought the kind of sports drink the brunette wanted and he rescued him from the crazy school girl in the Koneko. Trivial things perhaps but they meant so much to Ken. And then there was the way Aya made love to him, held him while they slept. Why couldn't he be satisfied with knowing that Aya must have been doing those things because he loved him? Were those three little words really that important? Yes they were. Ken sighed again. The few times he had told the redhead how he felt he had kept his eyes away from those amethyst orbs. He was afraid of what he might see in them, or might not see in them. But he had to put his doubts to rest. Carefully he lifted himself up and rested on his elbow. His brown eyes met Aya's violet.
"Aya," he mumbled quietly. His lover tilted his head a little.
"Hai." Ken swallowed. This was hard but he had to find out before the doubts destroyed him.
"I love you." It was just a little more than a whisper but he knew that the redhead had heard him. Ken was still looking into Aya's eyes and waited for a reaction. The one he got told him all he needed to know. For a brief moment some emotion flashed across the violet gems and then nothing. Aya didn't love him. The brunette shuddered and fought to pull in another breath. How could he have been so wrong? "Why Aya? Why did you lead me on?" He wanted to be angry but it just hurt too much. "You know I love you so why didn't you tell me? How could you take advantage of my feelings like that?" The redhead said nothing, showed nothing. "You're just playing with me and I'm too naïve to understand it," Ken mumbled and moved away from the taller man. Tears had started to fill up his eyes as he grabbed his clothes and headed for the door.
"Ken…" Aya's voice was hushed and had a strange tone in it but it didn't matter to Ken.
"I don't understand Aya… why did you do this to me?" he asked without turning around. With tears flowing down his cheeks the brunette left.
******end flashback******

Ken winced at the familier memory. People say that what you don't know can't hurt you and that's usually true. The brunette hugged himself tightly. He should never had said anything or questioned what Aya felt for him. It would have been so much better to just live in that lie. But he had pushed it and now he was paying for it. Perhaps it would have been easier if he could hate the redhead but it just wasn't possible. Ken loved Aya. Even though that man had crushed his heart, played him for a fool he still loved Aya. Sometimes the redhead looked at him with a strange shadow in his amethyst eyes that Ken couldn't read nor understand. Did Aya have regrets? Second thoughts? The brunette shook his head at his own sillyness but his mind refused to give up hope completely. Maybe there was still a chance? Maybe Aya did love him after all.
"Baka!" Ken growled to himself. "If he loves you he would have done something when you left that room." Aya had done nothing after that. He stayed clear of Ken the best he could. They rarely spoke and almost never shared the same shift at the shop anymore. But the flickering light of hope refused to die out. He wanted Aya back, if back was the right word to use since he wasn't sure he had ever had Aya in the first place. It just wasn't fair that he didn't know what went on inside that silent man's head. The redhead was extremly good at hiding his feelings, so good that Ken suspected that Aya sometimes managed to hide them even from himself.

Aya watched Ken leave the shop and sighed inside. He was doing the only thing he could think of. Staying away, keeping his distance so that he wouldn't hurt Ken more than he already had. But it felt so wrong and he was so ashamed of himself. Over and over again he repeated the same sentense in his head. I never even told you. That night when Ken had waited for a reply, waited to hear Aya tell him that his love was answered the redhead had frozen inside. He had wanted to say those words so badly but they just wouldn't come out and he had already known that he would lose Ken, it had just been a question of when. That had been something he in silence had cried over for some time. When the brunette had headed for the door he had tried to stop him by saying his name. But it hadn't been enough, of course it hadn't been enough. Ken had wanted and he deserved so much more than that. He had tried so hard to show the brunette how he felt but he had failed miserably. He just wasn't good with words and apparently not with showing how he felt either. But a part of him just couldn't understand how he could have failed so badly. Surely Ken must have understood that he felt at least something? Why would he hold onto the brunette so tightly in his sleep otherwise? Why would he seek out his company constantly if he didn't care or love Ken? The redhead rubbed his forehead. He knew the answers and he didn't want to hear them. Ken thought he had been used for sex and perhaps to lift Aya's solitude a little. It couldn't be further from the truth but how was Ken suppose to know that? The redhead flipped the sign from 'Open' to 'Close' and turned off the lights. Have you just given up? a voice asked in his head. Are you just gonna leave Ken like that? Can you live with that hurt and pain in his beautiful eyes? I don't think so Aya. You'll hate yourself forever if you don't fight for this. Sometimes I just don't understand you and I'm a part of you… Aya winced. The voice was right. He already hated himself for what he had done to Ken and no he wouldn't be able to live with seeing that hurt in his eyes. Sighing deeply the redhead left the shop and walked into the kitchen. Their chances might be gone but he would prove to Ken that he loved him, he had to. The question was how?

~TBC~