Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Never Even Told You ❯ Crying In The Rain ( Chapter 4 )

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts or that little voice you hear inside your head sometimes.

Chapter 4. Crying In The Rain

I'll never let you see
The way my broken heart is hurting me
I've got my pride and I know how to hide
All my sorrow and pain
I'll do my crying in the rain
---Crying In The Rain/AHA---

He was angry with his former lover but even more so he was angry with himself. Why was he so weak and pathetic every time he was near Aya? His body, or was it perhaps his heart, just refused to listen to reason. Whichever it was it needed to knit a net and catch a clue. Aya didn't love him, he just wanted him for sex and to ease his loneliness. It had never escaped Ken how much the redhead hated solitude even though he sought it constantly. Being alone was like a drug to Aya. He hated it but he couldn't stay away from it either. The brunette sighed and strolled into the park. When Aya had showed up in his bedroom Ken had wanted to push him away but he hadn't been able to. He needed the redhead desperatly so instead he had thrown himself at his former lover. And the silent man had pressed him close, comforted him, but why? The brunette frowned slightly. Why had Aya suddenly changed the way he acted? Was he asking for forgiveness? Well then he shouldn't hold his breath because Ken was not ready to forgive him yet. Who am I kidding? he asked himself sadly. If Aya told me he loved me right now I'd forgive him in an instant, I'd throw myself at him and never let go again. Yes, he was that weak and it pissed him off so much. Tired he sank down on a bench and twisted his hands. He should go back to the Koneko but he didn't want to face Aya just yet. His heart was hurting so much and he needed the redhead to heal it but he also needed to survive which he only could do if Aya was far away from him. The wounds he had inside would never heal if he was constantly tempted by his former lover's presence. He wanted to run away but Weiss was his family, the only family he had left. And besides, Ken wasn't all that sure he could function without Aya. God, it was confusing him, tearing him apart. Half of him needed and wanted the redhead close and the other half desperatly needed Aya as far away as possible. It would be so much easier if he could just hate that man! But it was impossible because the love he had for his former lover ran so deep. Ken sighed and looked up at the gray sky. He didn't just love Aya, Aya was also a part of his very being. His body, soul and heart belonged to the silent assassin whom he had given his everything to. Feeling completely drained the brunette rose and started walking again. Sooner or later he would have to face Aya again but not right now, not when he was so weak. As the rain started to fall so did Ken's tears. I'll do my crying in the rain from now on, he sighed sadly and closed his eyes.

Aya left the house and aimlessly started walking the streets of Tokyo. Omi and Yoji had taken over the shop but Ken had still not returned. The redhead was so very tired and he had given up. He would never be able to mend the damage he had done and he wouldn't try anymore, it just hurt too much. From now on he would stay away from Ken, avoid him the best he could. It wasn't worth struggling if the brunette just hurt more when he was close. Rain started to fall on him but he didn't care as he made his way through the park where he usually went when he needed to think. In the rain he could let his tears flow the way they wanted to since nobody would notice. He would have to get over Ken although he didn't want to. It was pointless to love him when all he ever did was hurt the brunette. Aya could deal with a lot of things but not the pain in those brown eyes, not the tears being shed because of him. The redhead stopped and stared at nothing as his eyes continued to fill up with the salty liquid that wouldn't wash away his own stupidity.

He walked slowly lost in thoughts and they were still lingering on the silent redhead who had been his lover. Lover? What kind of word was that anyway? Yes they had had sex but didn't lover imply something more? Ken let out a bitter laugh. Fuck toy was probably what Aya had seen him as? That hurt so much it caused the brunette to let out a low whimper. Was that all he had been? A simple fuck to take the redhead's thoughts off of things? Why am I tormenting myself like this? Ken asked himself. What diffrence did it make what Aya had seen him as? The ugly truth was still that the redhead didn't love him! But a part of Ken refused to believe that there had been no love between them. Aya had been so gentle, so caring. What if his former lover just had a very hard time with words? Their silent leader had never been a vocal person. Suddenly Ken stopped. What if he had been wrong all along? What if Aya did love him and just hadn't been able to say the words? The brunette bit his lip and swallowed. If that was the case than he had… he had… ruined everything. Maybe Aya was hurting in the same way he was? Almost in panic the brunette looked around. His eyes landed on a tall figure dressed in black standing about 20 meters away.
"Aya," Ken whispered. The crimson haired man was staring at nothing and his form wasn't as straight and proud as it usually was. He looks like he's in pain. Carefully Ken approached the man and observed him thoroughly. Rain was trickling down his pale face and his eyes were almost closed. The brunette frowned slightly and put his hand out. But it wasn't raining anymore. Shocked he stumbled away, almost falling over in his eager to get away from his former lover. Aya was crying. Ken ran faster and stumbled even more. Aya was crying. His feet slipped back and forth on the wet grass as he increased his pace even more. Aya was crying! He had made Aya cry. The redhead who never allowed his emotions to take over had been standing in the middle of the park with tears running down his face. Ken let out a sufficated sob and headed towards the house. I made him cry, I hurt him, he chanted as he ran faster and faster desperatly trying to outrun the flashes of the weeping redhead that kept on showing up in his head. I was wrong all along and I didn't even consider it. He should have seen it though. Aya wasn't in touch with his feelings and he had been hiding them for so long. Hell even Ken had thought on several occasions that the redhead probably was so good at hiding his emotions that he even managed to hide them from himself at times. It was at that time his brain decided to play up the sceen that had occured when Ken left the room that night. Aya had said his name and if the brunette hadn't been so upset he would have noticed the way it had sounded. Ken you idiot! He wanted you to stay and you still left him. He said your name with a voice full of hurt and you still left. How could he have been so damn stupid! It had been the same in the kitchen earlier that day. Amethyst eyes filled with sadness and longing but he still hadn't grasped it. Why hadn't he seen what Aya had tried to show him with his eyes and actions? It was all so clear to Ken now. All the times he had looked into those violet orbs he had seen love there but his stupid head had demanded more. Why didn't I see it before? the brunette sobbed to himself as he entered the house and ran upstairs. He does love me. It had dawned on him so suddenly it was tearing him apart. Like lightning from a clear blue sky it had struck down on him. He had thought that Aya was the one who was hurting him but he had hurt the redhead too by selling him short. Ken threw himself on his bed and shuddered. He should have known! Aya had stayed away from him which was the way he always dealt with things that hurt. And what kind of person was he when he had thought that the redhead was enough of a bastard to use him for sex? Aya who never touched anyone let alone touch them with the kind of caring and gentleness he had showed towards Ken. It had all been there but he had ignored it, missed it because his stupid ego wanted more.
"I'm so sorry Aya," the brunette sobbed and hugged himself. Some part of him had always known the truth but he had ignored it and now the silent redhead was suffering because of it. I'm no better than he is. I should have listened to what he meant instead of what he was saying! The taped soccer-games, the cooking, the gentle arms around him when he slept had all said 'I love you' but Ken hadn't seen it. He rubbed his stinging eyes and sat up. Did he still have time to right his wrongs? He had to talk to Aya, make him understand before it was too late, if it wasn't already. A part of Ken's heart screamed in joy. There might still be time for him to get the redhead back in his life, heart and bed. He would fight, he had to! With his mind made up the brunette headed for the living-room. The minute Aya came back he would talk to him! He had made a mistake by assuming he was weak while the redhead was strong just because they handled hurt in diffrent ways. A foolish mistake since he had seen how kind and loving Aya was on the inside, he should have known better. "I'm not giving up koi," Ken said firmly. "I'm not giving up on you, I'm not!"

~TBC~

I know it seems like it went way too fast from Ken thinking Aya used him to understanding that Aya loves him but I had to go with myself here. I'm hot-headed too and sometimes I make mistakes, jump into conclusions just like Ken did here and then when I least expect it reality jumps me and kicks me in the arse. So well there you go. No flaming me about it! Now will Aya let Ken explain or is he going to keep his distance??? Ja/Atsureki