Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ I Never Even Told You ❯ I Never Meant To Cause You No Pain ( Chapter 5 )

I Never Even Told You

By: Atsureki

Disclaimers : I still don't own Weiß

Paring : Aya/Ken

Warnings : Shonen-ai, OCC, angst

Notes : Stuff written in Italic are thoughts. This is probably the last chapter of this story ppl and it's short.

Chapter 5. I Never Meant To Cause You No Pain

Aya didn't know how long he had been standing in the park but the rain had stopped hours ago. His tired eyes were staring at the wet grass and his mind was complete chaos. There were so many things he wanted to do, say but it was too late now. He had failed and it hurt inside so much. The blame was his and his alone which didn't make it any easier but he was going to have to do something about the situation. With a deep sigh the redhead turned around and strolled through the now empty park. It was almost midnight and it was dark.
"I'm sorry," Aya whispered as he kept on walking. "I never meant to hurt you." They were just words, empty words that meant nothing because they couldn't take away the pain he had caused Ken. He was just so very tired and he wanted the hurt inside to stop so badly. But he didn't know how. Didn't know what he could possibly do to end Ken's suffering and his own. The brunette was more important to him than anything else so he'd have to fix that first. He loved Ken so deeply but he couldn't have him, that had finally dawned on Aya. There was simply no way for him to repair the damage he had caused that night when he had failed to express how he felt. With words unspoken he had ruined everything and now he had to find a way to at least lessen the pain it had inflicted upon his former lover. But how? What could he possibly do to make Ken's life easier? Die? If that would help then Aya would gladly drop dead right then and there. How could he have been so stupid to allow his emotions to take over before he was ready to speak them? If he hadn't taken Ken into his bed all those months ago it would never have ended like it had. The redhead ran a shaky hand over his face and squeezed his eyes shut. He understood how badly the situation looked. Without ever promising anything solid he had slept with the brunette, not just once but several times. At one point he had even questioned if he had loved Ken the first time they had had sex or if he hadn't indeed been using him. To his relief the answer had been a firm yes, he had loved the brunette way before that. Suddenly Aya understood what he had to do, what he should have done as soon as he had realized how much pain he was causing Ken. With tears in his eyes the redhead pulled out his cellphone to make the call that would end the agony he had caused his former lover.

The house was silent, dark, as Aya slowly made his way up the stairs. He walked into his room and picked up a few things that he placed on the bed. Slowly the redhead pulled out a pad and a pen. On the crisp paper he wrote down six sentenses that he just couldn't get out of his head. Somehow seeing them on paper made it all so final. There was no turning back, no second chances this time. What he was about to do was the only thing he could think of that could help Ken and in time himself so he just had to do it. With a sad sigh he folded the paper and shoved it into his pocket. He looked around his room before he picked up the stuff that was lying on the bed and left. On his way to the door he stopped in the living-room where he already knew he would find Ken. He had known that the brunette was there the moment he stepped through the door. Carefully he approached the sleeping man and kneeled beside him.
"I… I love you Ken," he whispered and felt how hot tears made their way down his cheeks. "I just wish that I could have said that to you while there still was a chance for us. But I hurt you so much just because I couldn't tell you how I feel. I never meant to cause you no pain, to let you down, but I can't take it back, I can't change what I did. I'm sorry, so very sorry." Trembling pale fingers ran through chocolate hair before Aya rose to his feet again. With an unsteady breath he turned around to walk away. His feet lead him across the room before they stopped. Unwillingly the redhead faced his former lover again. "Goodbye Ken," he almost whimpered and then he was gone.

He woke up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. A glance at the time informed him that he had been sleeping almost the whole night. Ken frowned in annoyance. He must have missed Aya when he returned. Grumbling to himself he made his way upstairs and to the redhead's door. The room was empty and the bed was still made. It was 4.30 in the morning and Aya wasn't there, had probably never returned. Ken bit his lips and suddenly felt very uneasy. What if the redhead wasn't coming back at all? No, his former lover would never leave Weiß… But he couldn't be sure of that, not after having seen how Aya looked the previous day in the park. Where was he? Ken chewed on his lip as he trotted over to his own room. He had to find Aya so that he could talk to him but how? The redhead was extremly good at disappearing and did it quite often. With a sigh Ken curled up on his bed. This was all his fault for being so damn blind and stupid!
"Don't let me lose him now," the brunette sighed, "I need him."

The whole day past without a single trace of Aya. Ken solemly stared at the darkening street as the bad feeling in his guts grew stronger and stronger. Something had happened to the redhead, he could feel it but he couldn't be sure of what it was. At 7:30 Manx showed up and Ken knew just by looking at her that something indeed was up with Aya.
"Siberian a moment of your time," she said calmly and gestured to the mission room. He followed her without a word even though the only thing he really wanted to do was run away. "Please, sit down." The brunette sank down and look at the woman before him.
"Is he alive?" The question was barely a whisper.
"Of course he's alive. But…" No please no buts, Ken pleaded but said nothing out loud. "There is no more Abyssinian." The news hit him like a piano. "He's has been transfered away from Weiß."
"Why?" Manx sat down beside him and sighed.
"You know why Ken. I don't agree with his decision but it was his to make."
"He left because of me," Ken mumbled and fought the tears, refusing to cry infront of her. A hand was placed on his arm and patted him lightly.
"Don't take this the wrong way now but you shouldn't have pushed him Ken. He wasn't ready and I think you knew that all along." He stared at the redhead.
"What the hell do you know about that?" Ken spat out and glared.
"I have eyes Siberian," Manx answered softly and met his angry eyes calmly. "Believe it or not I care about you and Ran was always special to me." The brunette raised an eyebrow as his former lover was called by his real name. "He's hurting badly and this is the best way to fix it, or at least he thinks so." Ken said nothing "You might want this, he dropped it when I picked him up here this morning." Manx handed him a piece of paper and then she left him alone. Shaking badly he unfolded it and read the unsteady handwriting on it.

"'Cos I know, I know I never meant to cause you no pain
And I realize I let you down
But I know in my heart of heart of hearts
I know I'm never gonna hold you again

Now I, I wish it would rain down, down on me
Yes I wish it would rain, rain down on me now"

Ken couldn't think, he couldn't even breathe. He had lost Aya, completely. The scribbling on that paper said it all. It was all over and the brunette didn't know how to deal with it but he would have to because his former lover, the man he was deeply in love with, was gone.

~TBC~

If you didn't recognize it, that the six lines are from I Wish It Would Rain Down by Phil Collins. Ja/Atsureki