Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Idle Loneliness ❯ Idle Loneliness ( Chapter 1 )

I don't own Weiss… enough said.

I have always been here…

I have always looked out from behind these eyes.

It feels like more than a lifetime.

Feels like more than a lifetime.

Sometimes I get tired of the waiting.

Sometimes I get tired of being in here.

Is this the way it has always been?

Could it have ever been any different?

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?

Do you ever get tired of being in here?

Don't worry nobody lives forever.

Nobody lives forever.

Pink Floyd- A New Machine (part one)

Idle Loneliness

Has anyone ever had one of those days where you just didn't want to get up from your bed? Let alone wake up?

I do.

I don't understand how the others can live like this. How they can get up and do the same monotonous routine everyday. I would have thought that this would have driven them insane by now. I know it does for me.

I won't tell them that though, then again I don't ever tell them anything. I just constantly watch them, how they act, how they speak and it seems like I can't get past any of their defenses. Although, I don't even know if I want to, but there are times when I just want to ask them so many questions. Why are you still here? Why don't you stop? Why don't you finally go and become what you want to be or what you were meant to be?

I will never ask them though. I probably already know their answers.

They're stuck here, as much as I am, stuck playing this game of cat and mouse with the others. At this point in life, I'm really starting to wonder who's who. We are told that we're the cats but is that the truth? Are we, or are we just the frightened mice now who scurry along in hopes of outwitting the cats to find that last bit of cheese? Are we even lower than mice?

So many questions, so little answers.

I wish I knew the answers, perhaps not. It's not fun to try to stare into the face of life, destiny, karma, or what ever you call it. It's a bit scary. Ok maybe not scary, but it intimidates me nonetheless. I've tried doing it for years now and I still back away from it. Does that make me weak?

I think I'm beginning to lose where I'm going with this. I hate that. I can never keep focused on things when they have meaning, my mind starts to wander or reject the ideas that pop into my mind. My focus gets lost, my reasoning is gone, and I'm left with an empty shell of a mind.

Not that it matters much. My friends would be surprised if they ever saw this or knew about it. This really isn't my style, but I can't stop thinking this way, nor does it help that these thoughts pop up every once in a while when there is nothing to do but laze around watching life go around me in a swirl of haste.

I can't even afford to think this way. Not now, not while everything is the way it is. It would just add an undue amount of stress in my life. That risk is something that cannot be taken. It would distract me too much and as much as a person may wish for immortality, it shall never happen unless by some miracle of a god.

Frankly, the chances of that happening are next to nothing, so I have to keep my mind cleared.

Too many missions are coming in lately. Hell, maybe even the next one that comes around I might end up dead because of it. I have to at least prepare myself for that possibility and if it doesn't happen… I don't even know how I would react, or feel for that matter, if I were to stay alive. Possibly, wonder how it happened, or just think, "Yeah that's one more time I owe to luck for keeping me out of trouble."

Speaking of luck, does she store these things up and when you've been finally given, too much she takes her due from you.

Would I suffer at all or would it be something that comes swiftly as we do it?

It would be somewhat ironic if it happened in the same fashion as us, though I wouldn't feel the least bit surprised. We deserve that in a way for all the life we've taken, the nice poetic justice bit.

I almost think I enjoy that idea. It would be less messy to have it done that way, than doing it to myself and besides if I did get to the point of killing myself. I probably wouldn't have the strength to even lift up a gun or a knife. I'd probably end up starving myself because I wouldn't want to move period, which is how I feel right now but I'm getting up anyway. I have to. I have things to do today, places to go, people to see. A life if you want to call it, a dead one but a life by some people's standards.

Some people actually envy the life I have. Not the one they don't know about but the one that they can see.

They see a decent job, many women; it's nothing but little girls really, wanting me, friends that could almost be considered family, if I wanted to, and a reason for being.

I think I made a statement about that earlier for it being a total lie, so I won't get back into that.

Ok, I have to indulge myself for a moment… Why me? Why couldn't have this been someone else sitting here on this bed with his hands holding his head in despair. Why did it have to be me? I liked my life, but then it turned to dust right before my very eyes. I had a great life. Hell I had just about everything I could have wanted, but no the fates decided that it was time for them to fuck up my strings and twist them beyond total comprehension.

I guess all we are is dust in the wind. Sighs, I need to go their calling me. Don't worry; I'll probably have another moment like this. They're coming more often as of late with work piling up on us… I should probably ask the others… no I won't I can take care of this myself, or go crazy trying to.

I hope…

Author's notes: Three words… Boredom related depression… for writing this at least. Then again, I like this better than what had been plaguing me or what I thought would have been a good story to correlate with this song. I some how doubt though that a Ran/ken piece would fit the song very well. It's just too much of a depressive song.

Schu: *of in the corner crying somewhere* …

… He's useless… anyway; I just thought to write this while I was bored so do whatever you want with it. I'm hoping this will knock me out of that damn writers block so I can get on with my other stories. I want to finish them, really I do.