Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ In The Shadows, In The Light ❯ Penance ( Chapter 7 )

Author's Notes: All Weiss Kreutz stuff/characters are not owned by me and all rights apply to the lucky bastards who do own them. I took these boys out to play and let them frolic like they really wanted to `cause that's the kinda sick and twisted little puppy I am.

 

Thanks goes to Race for beta-ing this for me. You rock.

 

Thanks also goes to kuyashinaki for providing me with the German phrases. Any spelling/grammar mistakes are completely mine.

 

~ indicates character POV

** indicates internal conversation.

 

 

Penance

 

~Aya~

 

By the time I returned home after storming off, Ken was long gone. Schuldig had made himself scarce as well. I couldn't even hear him in my head, for which I was grateful. Omi was watching T.V. and Yohji, the lazy bastard, was asleep. Only Yohji could just go back to sleep after this morning's fiasco.

 

I approached Omi about trying to calm Ken down. Omi, bless his soul, agreed to help. At least he doesn't hate me.

 

I expected the tension in the house once we were all together but I hadn't really anticipated how bad it could be. Ken wasn't speaking to me. Yohji looked like hell and was stumbling around like he had the worst hangover of his life. Only Omi treated each of us with some kind of normalcy; even his acting skills were feeling the strain after a while.

 

If a mission had come in from one of our various contacts in those first few days after the bombshell of my private life exploded in all our faces, I think we would have gotten ourselves killed. Or taken the opportunity to kill each other.

 

I was still pissed at Yohji and Schuldig. I put my anger to use with weapons practice. The few times that Ken had been in the practice room with me had been beneficial. We went at each other in hand to hand combat. Although tempted, we didn't use our weapons; too much temptation to inflict serious or even lethal damage. It took several matches and numerous cuts, bruises and painful minor injuries before Ken and I reached a point where we knew we wouldn't be responsible for the other's death. We weren't back to the way things were before he found out about me sleeping with Yohji and Schuldig but we were on the way to being more civil to each other.

 

It was then the idea came to me that if I could get Yohji to fight me, I just might be able to work out some of the anger I was still feeling. When I thought about it, taking on Schuldig would help too. It was mostly his fault anyway; Ken wouldn't have reacted nearly so badly if it had just been Yohji he found me in bed with.

 

I would have to set something up. Pick a place where we could meet and trade a few blows. I didn't want to push Ken's slightly improved behaviour the wrong way by asking Schuldig to come here. I wasn't good with emotions and understanding people, but I wasn't stupid.

 

**Schuldig, ** I called mentally.

 

I waited with growing impatience. I knew he could hear me. Whatever had happened between the three of us had somehow increased his range or made him sensitive to Yohji and me. Granted, I had never tried to call him mentally like this before, but there was always a first time for everything. I waited another five minutes before upping the volume of the summons.

 

**I heard you the first time Schärfe. I was ignoring you. Do you want to apologise? **

 

**Me apologise? What the hell for? ** I snarled. **It's you and Yohji who owe me an apology. I called you because I want to have a little sparring match with you. I've got a little aggression to work out and since all this is your fault…**

 

**I'll accept a small amount of the blame for overstaying my welcome, but I think you owe both Yohji and me an apology for dumping all that rage onto us. Yohji especially deserves you crawling to him and begging forgiveness. **

 

**What for? It's me who was embarrassed; had his privacy violated, ** I hissed.

 

**You hurt Yohji. Badly. **

 

**I didn't lay a fucking finger on him and you know it, ** I snapped, feeling the anger swell. Schuldig had an absolute gift for pissing people off.

 

**Mentally, Aya. His mind was so bruised from that little temper tantrum of yours that I could barely brush against it without hurting him. When I left later that morning, he was still out. He probably slept the whole day. **

 

I felt the beginnings of guilt nibble at the edges of my anger. Schuldig never lied to me; and Yohji had slept and looked like shit for days. When all that rage burst from me that day and I had let it - been unable to stop it, even if I wanted to - roll down the link we shared. It never occurred to me that Yohji or Schuldig could be physically harmed by the mere force of my anger. Schuldig had shields. It shouldn't have been that bad. He could have - should have - protected Yohji from the worst of it. I told him so.

 

**Ach, don't you think if I could have, I would have? You were far stronger than you should have been, Aya. I have Brad looking into the whys and hows of that. And before you start bitching, no, I didn't tell him who I was sleeping with. **

 

Guilt was overtaking the anger. I never meant to hurt Yohji. Yes, I knew I was causing Schuldig and him some pain but I thought it was the normal mental pain one feels when someone is angry with you. Then I remembered Yohji throwing up in the kitchen. None of us are strangers to pain; Yohji had to be seriously hurt to produce that kind of reaction. I closed my eyes as the guilt for hurting Yohji drowned the anger.

 

That was why Yohji looked so bad after Ken made his discovery. That was why Yohji had bumped around like his head was going to explode from the slightest movement for a couple days. I no longer had any right to be angry with Yohji. I had hurt him far more than I would have in a sparring match. I owed him some penance.

 

**You owe us nothing. It wasn't intentional was it? Something strange is going on with Yohji and we're a part of it because we're with him. **

 

**Leave me alone Schuldig. I need to think. I didn't know. I thought…I don't know what I thought. Just…give me some space. ** I felt small and subdued as the guilt grew.

 

**Fine, ** Schuldig huffed in annoyance and cut the mental conversation.

 

I hurt the one I loved with my thoughtless actions. I needed to do something to show him I was sorry. I've always believed action speaks louder than words; Yohji would want some kind of revenge for my hurting him like that. I would have wanted revenge. I was very good with revenge; I understood it; I excelled at it.

 

I was also no stranger to penance. I had done it for surviving the attack that had left Aya-chan in the coma for so long and me perfectly fine and unharmed. Being alone and cut off from everything as she was had been my self imposed penance then. I couldn't do that again. Yohji and yes, even Schuldig made me realize it had damn near killed me inside.

 

No, my penance for hurting Yohji was going to be something a little more immediate. Pain for pain. It was no less than I deserved.

 

~Yohji~

 

The note I got was from Aya. I'd recognise the precise, elegant writing anywhere. It was the content of the note that had me puzzled. After a week of being ignored or at best, earning a flesh rending glare, I get this from him. Aya was a strange animal and I was doing my best to understand him, but this had me completely confused.

 

Meet me at the following address at 9:00 pm tonight. Tell the person who answers the door that you're there to see Red. Follow the instruction the person at the door gives you. Come alone. No Schuldig. This is between us.

R.

 

It sounded like he wanted to take a poke at me like he'd been doing with Ken. Why we had to leave the house to do that was beyond me, but I knew I'd go along with it. Anything to get him to talk to me again. Nobody could do haughty indifference like Aya. I swear he could give a cat lessons on aloof behaviour. It made me want him more. Now who was the contrary fucker?

 

I checked the address one more time, approached the door, and knocked. When a stunning woman in a leather dress opened the door, I had to wonder if I had gotten the address wrong.

 

“Yes?” she asked as she ran an appreciative eye over me.

 

“I'm here to see Red.”

 

A disappointed look passed over her face before she moved out of the doorway and ushered me into the house. She took my coat and gestured me to follow her into a small room off the entranceway. She took a seat on a couch and gestured for me to have a seat.

 

“I was instructed to provide you with some basic information as your partner wasn't sure if you knew all the etiquette of an encounter like what he wants tonight,” she began.

 

I wasn't stupid. Once I saw the inside of the house, I was pretty sure what kind of place it was. I knew that sometimes Schuldig liked a little of the rougher stuff; Aya and I had participated several times. As long as everybody got off, I didn't see the problem. I was disappointed Aya felt the need to go to a professional house rather than stay in our own home; but recent events reminded me this was probably for the best. Just the fact that Aya wanted my touch again was enough to go along with anything he had planned.

 

“Your partner has requested you help him out with some dark fantasies. All the equipment is in the room where he is waiting for you. He chose what was to go in there and hopes you will use it on him. He has chosen `lily' as his safe word and `white' as his slow word. A spoken safe word means that what is happening is too painful to continue. You are to stop immediately. A slow word is used when the feelings produced are too intense and they need a moment to calm down before continuing. In the event he isn't able to speak, there is a small ball with a bell inside that you are to give him to hold. Should he drop the ball that is your cue to stop. Do you understand so far?”

 

I nodded my head. It was something more up Schuldig's alley than mine, not that I was complaining. The most we had ever done was some spanking and handcuffs, but who didn't do that? What the woman was hinting was way more serious than turning Aya's ass cherry red with my hand. I have to admit I was getting hard from thinking about what Aya might want me to do to him. It had been a week since I'd been able to get near him without the threat of physical harm or frost bite from his glares. Now, he was giving me this opportunity to actually touch him and gods willing, have sex with him.

 

“I've been instructed to tell you that he wishes you to use considerable force on him. I cautioned him against this but he assures me that he is no stranger to pain and after seeing some of the scars on him, I agree with that statement. He says he has a high tolerance for pain and that you are intimately aware of that threshold. This house will not be held responsible for any serious injuries caused by the actions of the people using the rooms. I have a release form for you to sign. After that, I'll take you to him.”

 

I glanced at the forms the woman placed in front of me noting that they had been signed by Fujimiya Ran. I scrawled my name next to his with a shrug and met the woman's gaze, keeping my own nonchalant. She smiled at me and led me from the room and down a hallway. Even though there were several doors along the hall, I didn't hear a damn thing. The soundproofing in the place had to be phenomenal. She produced a key from somewhere in that very tight bodice and unlocked the second to last door on the left.

 

I stepped through into a little entry with a heavy curtain hanging over the entrance. I heard the door click shut behind me and the lock turn; habit made me confirm the lock opened easily on our side and we weren't trapped.

 

I pushed aside the curtain and sucked in my breath at what greeted me.

 

Aya stood in the center of the room. His arms were stretched above his head and secured by the leather cuffs around his wrists to chains that hung from the ceiling. His legs were spread apart and similarly restrained by leather cuffs at his ankles. There were leather bands with silver metal rings snugged tight around his thighs and upper arms. A leather collar with several metal rings was tight around his neck. A leather strap had been placed around his hard cock. He was a bondage wet dream.

 

“Aya?” I called softly as I approached him.

 

He raised his head and stared at me warily. I didn't understand his attitude since he had asked me to come here. Something a little off was going on but I couldn't put my finger on it. Aya was hard to read in the best of times.

 

“Yohji,” Aya said softly with what sounded like relief in his voice.

 

“What's up with all this? Last time I checked, you were still mighty pissed at me.”

 

“I thought about it and it wasn't right that I was mad at you. You and Schuldig say make-up sex is great, so I thought…” Aya said sounding a little unsure of my reaction.

 

Apology accepted! But first I needed a little more clarification. “I'll always be willing to have sex with you, Aya. But why this? That chick said you have some dark fantasies you want to play out. Schuldig would be better at this than me. He's into this kind of serious shit.”

 

“I don't trust Schuldig like I trust you. I want to do this. I want you to do this to me. Will you give me what I need, Yohji? Will you do this for me?”

 

How in the hell was I supposed to resist that? One of my beautiful lovers asking me to play a staring role in making some of his fantasies come true? I couldn't. I'd do whatever Aya wanted. I still thought something was strange about the whole set up but Aya said he wanted to do this. I couldn't read his mind unless Schuldig was with us, so I was taking him at his word.

 

“What do you want first Aya?” I asked as I began to strip.

 

~Aya~

 

Relief washed through me. There had been a chance that Yohji would refuse me. I knew he had never done anything like this before. Neither had I. My only experience with this type of scene had been on that mission so many months ago that started me on the path I was currently walking with Schuldig and Yohji. If I hadn't met with Schuldig at that club, I'm positive that I wouldn't have had the courage to kiss Yohji the first time. I wouldn't have let myself acknowledge that I loved Yohji if Schuldig hadn't forced it from me.

 

“The flog,” I said as I watched Yohji look over the paddles, whip, crops and toys that were laid out on a low table.

 

Even though I was doing this as penance for hurting Yohji, I was finding myself becoming aroused. I hadn't expected or wanted that. Just the thought that Yohji would, at some point, slide his cock into my mouth or my ass or both, was making desire slither through my veins. I struggled against the lust. I wasn't here for pleasure. I was here for penance.

 

~Yohji~

 

I picked up the flog and swished it through the air while watching Aya. His eyes were wide and his breathing started to speed up. As I stepped closer to him, his cock twitched and his hands curled into fists. A light flush coloured his skin. He looked completely fuckable.

 

I took a deep breath and forced myself into a more dominating mind set. “Your safety word is lily and your slow word is white. Use them. I'm not going to do more to you than you can stand. What is your safety word Ran?” I demanded as I trailed the ends of the flog over his chest.

 

“Lily,” he replied with a little hitch to his breath.

 

“And when do you use it?” I asked as I ran a hand down his chest and stopped to tug on the gold hoop through his nipple. A little moan escaped him from what I knew he enjoyed.

 

“When it hurts too much.”

 

“And your slow word?” I asked as I placed little love bites along the exposed underside of his arms.

 

“White,” he replied in a whisper thin voice as he wrapped his hands around the chains above his head.

 

“And when do you use that?”

 

“When I need a break and it's too intense.”

 

Satisfied that he knew the words and when to use them, I brought the flog down in a short arc across his belly. The chains rattled and the barest whispers of indrawn breath were the only sounds. Taking this as a positive reaction, I began to work the flog over his chest, belly and thighs. Faint pink marks started to appear on his pale skin; the curse of a natural red-head. I had to admit, seeing Aya bound for my pleasure was starting to work kink buttons I didn't know I had. I moved around him and applied to flog to his back and ass. Not a sound escaped Aya.

 

“More?” I asked as I trailed the flog over his shoulder.

 

“Please,” Aya whispered, want and need heavy in his voice.

 

I leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. For some reason, that seemed to startle him. After a moment, he responded by opening his mouth to me and teasing my tongue with his. I trailed the ends of the flog over his thighs and around his cock. A little sigh escaped him that turned into a startled yelp when I struck his calves sharply. I stepped back and gave him quick strokes across the ribs and belly and down his legs. He jerked against the chains but made no further sounds. A light sheen of sweat was starting to appear on his skin giving him a silky, flushed look.

 

I pulled back to stare at him and gave my own hardening cock a few pulls. Aya watched with desire filled eyes and licked his lips. I released my cock and wandered back to the low table. His eyes followed me, needy and feral looking. I checked over the toys on the table and choose a flesh coloured butt plug that vibrated when the base was turned. I picked up a leather covered paddle and scooped up a container of lube and approached Aya again. He tried to turn his head to see what I was doing.

 

“Eyes forward,” I ordered.

 

Aya shivered and did as I told him. I felt a pulse of lust flow straight to my groin at the power play. I was fully hard now and starting to get into this little slice of kink that Aya had introduced me to. I coated the plug and wormed it between Aya's cheeks. The chains jingled as he squirmed and I slapped his ass hard.

 

“Don't move unless I tell you to,” I said, enjoying this little game.

 

I pushed the butt plug in past the initial resistance and waited a moment for him to get use to it. Then I turned it on. Aya's body jerked in the restraints and a little gasp escaped him. Without waiting for him to relax or get use to the feel of the plug buzzing away, I brought the paddle firmly down on his ass. Aya jerked against the chains but made no further sound. A bright red mark appeared where I had just struck him. I smacked the other cheek a little harder and still Aya never made a sound. I laid a few more hard swats to his ass before stopping and caressing the red marks I had left. Aya's breath hissed out from the gentle touch and I wondered if I had hit him to hard.

 

“Okay Ran?”

 

“More,” he said in a husky voice that made the blood surge through my cock.

 

I needed to feel more of him. I reached up and undid the cuffs that held his arms above his head. As his arms fell to his sides, he looked at me puzzled. I undid the chains at his feet and started to guide him to a bench in another corner of the room. His first few steps faltered and he bit off a groan as the plug in his ass moved and pressed into him. He looked into my eyes and a complex mix of emotions swirled there, desire foremost.

 

At the bench, I had him lean over it. I snapped the rings on the leather cuffs into the matching rings of the bench. He had some room to move but not much. The bent over position put his ass in the air and his mouth at the perfect level to take my cock. I left him and went back to the table. I picked up a crop and was about to go back to him when he spoke.

 

“Bring the glove too.”

 

I raised an eyebrow but did as he demanded and moved back to him. I stood in front of Aya and rubbed my cock against his lips. I read surprise then pleasure in his eyes before he opened his mouth and sucked me in. I let a low moan escape me as I pushed deeper into Aya's mouth. It felt so good; I forgot for a moment that I was supposed to use the crop on him. I let Aya suck on me, muttering encouragement. I pushed deeper into his mouth letting my eyes slide closed in bliss as I fucked his mouth. Aya was making little sounds of pleasure around my cock. His obvious enjoyment was pushing my own higher and if I didn't stop him, I'd end up coming before I wanted to.

 

When I pulled out of his mouth, Aya made a little noise of disappointment. I acted on instinct and slashed the crop down on his shoulder. Aside from his body going stiff, he made no sound from what had to be a stinging blow.

 

“Ran?” I asked getting that feeling again that something wasn't right with this whole scenario.

 

“Harder Yohji. Hit me harder. That's what I want; what I need.”

 

I was a little taken back by the fierce demand but this was Aya's fantasy not mine. He wanted harder, then he'd get harder. I moved behind him and slicked my cock. I pressed it between his cheeks and groaned as I felt the vibrations of the butt plug as I slid my cock back and forth in his cleft. He panted softly under me and pushed his ass back as far as he could in silent demand for more.

 

I brought the crop down in a hard blow and was surprised when a little moan of desire escaped him. I continued to rub my cock between his cheeks, letting my desire build as I whipped him with the crop. Each time the crop hit him, he pushed back against me and little moans escaped him. I fell into a lust driven state of rocking against him and lashing him with the crop over and over. The moans were getting louder and Aya was pushing back harder against my cock. Fuck, he was really getting into this. And taking me with him.

 

~Aya~

 

My back was on fire and my ass felt warm and tender from the paddle he had used earlier. Yohji wasn't holding back with the strokes. He wasn't built but he was wiry strong. Each stroke of the crop burned and when it landed on a spot that had already been hit, it felt like a hundred bee stings. I was surprised and relieved that my skin hadn't broken. Yohji would stop immediately if that happened and I didn't feel I had suffered enough yet to make up for the pain I had caused him.

 

I couldn't prevent the little moans that escaped. It was both a torture and a pleasure to have him do this to me; I hadn't thought about my reaction to Yohji's touch. Every little brush of his flesh against mine made desire burn through me. I was starting to feel a little guilty that I was getting pleasure out of this, my penance to Yohji for hurting him. I wasn't supposed to enjoy it. What kind of person did it make me that I enjoyed it?

 

**Aya, what's going on? ** Schuldig sounded distracted and faint, like he was a good distance away.

 

**Nothing. I'm fine. I'm with Yohji. ** I sent back in as tight a concentration as I could manage. I didn't need Schuldig interrupting or stopping this. His mental voice faded away and I breathed an internal sigh of relief.

 

~Yohji~

 

The effect of Aya pushing back against me and moaning, the subtle buzz of the vibrator against my cock and a week of not being able to touch Aya was my undoing. With a hoarse cry, I came over Aya's back. He moaned and shuddered under me, his head dropping down, his breathing ragged. He continued to push his ass against my groin and moan low in his throat.

 

I ran my fingers through my seed, spreading it over his back. He flinched under my hand and I stopped and really looked at my handiwork. His back was a maze of criss-crossing red welts. I couldn't believe I had done that to him. I hadn't realized that I had hit him as hard and as many times as I did.

 

**Yohji, what the fuck are you two doing? Aya is hurting but you just blew your load. What kind of kink are you two involved in ** Schuldig demanded, his mental voice getting stronger as if he was getting closer to us. **You know I like this kind of shit. Why didn't you call me?**

 

**Ran wanted to play rough tonight. Sorry Schu, he asked that you not come along. We'll make it up to you later, ** I promised as his mental voice disappeared suddenly from my head.

 

I moved from behind Aya and got a towel. He hissed softly as I cleaned him as gently as I could. Once he was clean, I examined his back and was relieved to find that I hadn't broken the skin. I released him from the bench and pulled him up and held him close, careful of his abused back.

 

“You're supposed to tell me when you've had enough, Aya,” I scolded as I pressed kisses to his flushed face.

 

“I'm fine. I'll tell you when it's enough. You're not stopping now are you?”

 

I looked into his eyes. I could see that he wanted more from me. I was reluctant but this was Aya's fantasy, and I really have no will power when it comes to Aya. What little I had completely deserted me when he dropped to his knees and took my flaccid cock into his mouth and brought me to hardness again. Aya licked me like a cat; cleaning the lube and seed from me. I tangled my hands in his hair and held him to my groin. In record time he had me erect again. He pushed me towards an armless chair and scooped the leather glove I had dropped earlier. He urged me to sit in the chair and helped me put the glove on.

 

Aya draped himself over my lap, his reddened ass sticking up. I felt his cock brush against my thigh. He had to be in a near painful state of arousal by now. He wriggled his hips to get comfortable and turned his head to meet my eyes. Dark lust burned in those beautiful purple eyes of his.

 

“Spank me hard until I tell you to stop.”

 

What Aya wants Aya gets. I turned the butt plug off and slowly removed it. Aya gave a little whimper as it left his ass. I brought my gloved hand down hard on him. He jerked under the blow and hissed through his teeth. I hesitated and he turned to look at me again. Raw need was in his face. He didn't need to ask me to continue. I began laying hard swats on his ass, holding his eyes the whole time.

 

After about a dozen blows, Aya let his eyes flutter shut and stifled a sob. He opened them again as my hand descended for another blow and cried out. I hesitated again. Something was wrong; I could feel it with gut clenching certainty. Aya surprised me when he suddenly stood, straddled me and impaled himself without warning on my cock. We both cried out at the sensation. I reached between us and fumbled for the strap around his erection. Aya moaned as he was released from the restraint and began driving himself onto me.

 

~Aya~

 

Yohji was hesitating. I was hurt and bleeding and I supposed that was going to have to be enough. I didn't think I could get Yohji to continue once he saw the condition of the skin on my ass; the glove had tiny hooks sewn into the palm and fingers and, per my request, Yohji hadn't been gentle with the spanking. My skin was cut and bleeding, as I had intended when I told him to bring the glove. I was relieved that he hadn't noticed my condition yet. I wasn't done with my penance.

 

I was painfully aroused. Yohji was inside me, hot and hard, and the thick feel of him filling me was a sharp counter point to the painful throbbing of my ass and back. I felt my balls draw up tight and tried to stop my orgasm. I wasn't supposed to enjoy this. This was my penance to Yohji. I lost the battle when Yohji pulled my mouth down for a deep kiss and wrapped his gloved hand around my aching cock.

 

I screamed in pain and orgasmastic bliss as I came. Yohji groaned at the feel of my ass clenching his cock and thrust a few more time before grinding into me as his own peak caught him. I dropped my head to his shoulder and drew in sobbing breaths as I felt his seed flood me. It wasn't supposed to feel this good. I carefully pried his fingers from my now sore cock and stripped the glove quickly from his hand.

 

**What the fuck is going on? ** Schuldig almost shouted, worry winding through his mental voice.

 

**Ran's not mad any more, ** Yohji said, sated as he stroked my sides, careful to avoid touching my welt covered back.

 

**Ach, I know that. Why did you hurt Aya so badly? **.

 

**He's fine. He asked me to play a little rough** Yohji said, resting his hands on my hips. He stroked my skin gently and nuzzled into my neck. **I think we're done with the rough stuff for tonight though.**

 

**Leave it be, Schuldig, ** I sent tightly to him, hoping that Yohji didn't catch it.

 

**I know where you are now. I'm almost there. What the fuck were you thinking, Aya? I know how hurt you are. **

 

I felt Yohji's hands slide over the skin of my ass and couldn't stop the flinch and gasp of pain. Yohji's hand stopped moving and a confused look came over his face as he felt wetness under his fingers. He brought his hand up and stared at the blood smeared on his hand. Through the link Schuldig had opened, I felt his fear and panic. Yohji lifted me from him, stood and turned me around. He sucked in his breath when he saw what the spanking had done and looked at his bloody fingers in bewilderment and growing horror.

 

**Mein Gott in Himmel! What did he do to you? ** Schuldig asked as there was a noise at the door.

 

Suddenly the door crashed opened and the curtain was wrenched aside. Schuldig stood in the doorway dressed in his mission clothes. He took in the sight of me in my bondage wear, the welts criss-crossing my back and the blood covering my backside, strode over to Yohji and backhanded him hard. Yohji's head snapped back and he stumbled, pulling me with him. I stood in front of Yohji and snarled at Schuldig.

 

“How could you hurt him like that?” Schuldig raged at Yohji.

 

“He wanted...he begged...I didn't mean…” Yohji stumbled confused as he caught my gaze. “Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you use the safety word, Aya?”

 

Schuldig turned his angry gaze on me. I felt him burrow ruthlessly into my head. He knew me enough that he wouldn't get an explanation any other way. I tried to keep the information from him but he was savage about getting what he was after. Even with the mental practice I had been doing, I was no match against Schuldig's determination. I staggered under the brutal strength he used to wrench the information from me and sagged against Yohji. The tender skin of my back protested the contact and I straightened with a grimace. Once Schuldig found my reason, he groaned, his shoulders slumped and he sat heavily in the chair Yohji had recently vacated.

 

“He never intended to use the safe word Yohji. That was only so you would hurt him and not feel guilty about it. He wanted you to hurt him more than you did but he knew once you saw the blood, you'd stop.”

 

“What?! Ran! Why?”

 

“Penance. Aya feels guilty that he hurt you when Ken discovered us together. I told him he had nothing to feel guilty about, but if there is one thing that Aya excels at, it's misplaced guilt,” Schuldig said with a sigh as he dragged a hand through his hair.

 

~Yohji~

 

I knew something was wrong with this whole set up from the get go. My stomach clenched at the knowledge that I had made Aya bleed; that I had put those marks on him not for his pleasure but because he felt he owed me. Then guilt melted into anger. I thought Aya understood how I felt about sex; especially sex with him.

 

**Show me, ** I demanded as I moved away from Aya and bent to retrieve my pants.

 

Aya stood rigidly in the middle of the room. He started to open his mouth to say something. He looked at the anger in my face, changed his mind and clamped his lips shut. His body spoke of control. His eyes told a different story. Dozens of emotions swirled in the purple depths. I let my eyes slide away, not wanting to see what was there right now.

 

Schuldig pulled me along as he dove back into Aya's mind. The feelings of guilt were there as well as the feelings of absolution that the pain I inflicted had brought him. Pain for pain flashed through his mind in bright, clear, focused thoughts. I was relieved to find Aya did get some pleasure from what we did; but I was hurt and angry that he felt that it had been wrong for him to enjoy it. All Aya felt he deserved was the pain.

 

Aya was even more emotionally damaged than I had thought. That he imagined for even a second that I would want revenge on him for something that was an accident made my heart ache for him. That he still wanted me to hurt him more made me even angrier than I already was. I pulled away from the link with Schuldig and faced Aya.

 

“Sex is never to be used to hurt someone Aya. Not like this. Not pain for pains sake. You never use sex to hurt someone you care about,” I raised my hand to stop whatever he had been going to say. “I thought you understood that. You owed me nothing. What happened before was an accident. I thought I was doing something for you tonight that you wanted; something that you found erotic. I was told that I was fulfilling a fantasy of yours. You used me to hurt you to lessen your feelings of guilt and that hurts far worse than that accidental mental beating. Did you think that I wouldn't care about how you were using me as long as I got off? That I don't think sex with you is a special and unexpected gift? Am I nothing more to you than a convenient body to fuck when you get the itch? Do you believe that I'm that much of a man-slut?” I added softly, “Do you think that little of me?”

 

Aya flinched at my words like they were body blows. Schuldig, thankfully, shut up for once and just watched us. I finished dressing and stared hard at Aya. He looked so lost I wanted to go to him and hold him. At the same time, I was so angry with him for using me as a tool to relieve his guilt that I wanted to beat the snot out of him. I did neither.

 

I was grateful that Schuldig had closed the link between us. I didn't need to feel any more of Aya's misplaced guilt and he didn't need to feel the tangle of emotions I was dealing with. He'd read it all wrong, as emotionally damaged as he was, and god only knew what that would drive him to do.

 

“Treat his wounds Schu and see that he gets home. I need to be alone.” I left the room with no plans in mind of where I was going; I just knew I needed a drink or five. I never expected Aya would do something like this to me and it hurt. I thought he cared. I thought I was more to him than just a convenient fuck toy.

 

I guess I thought wrong.

 

~Schuldig~

 

My Schärfe had completely fucked up. He had managed to hurt Yohji in a way that was going to be a lot harder to heal than the mental blast. And now Aya was hurting, too. He didn't understand just what it was that he did wrong, thus proving how completely fucked up he was. Even I, with my background, knew getting Yohji to do what he had wouldn't make up for the earlier hurt.

 

“I… failed again, didn't I?” Aya asked in a quiet voice. He stood, naked and bleeding in the middle of the room, looking so lost and alone.

 

I sighed. How was I supposed to explain this to the emotional cripple that was Fujimiya Ran? How did this task fall to me? I was better at causing shit than picking up the pieces. I took his arm and guided him to a small cabinet against the wall. I opened it and began taking out medical supplies.

 

“Ja, you did. I told you you didn't owe him or me anything. It was an accident, what happened that day. How in the hell could you have thought that this would make Yohji feel better?” I asked as I began to clean the blood from him. That's me, sensitivity all over.

 

The wounds weren't actually that bad once the blood was cleaned up. Most of them were small scratches and punctures. A few were deeper and had bled more but none were serious. I didn't think there'd be any scarring. I breathed a small sigh of relief at that. Yohji wouldn't be able to stand it if there had been permanent reminders of this little episode on Aya's body.

 

“Why wouldn't Yohji want revenge for what I did?” Aya hissed through clenched teeth as I applied disinfectant to the abused skin of his ass and back.

 

“Not everyone is as driven for revenge as you.”

 

Aya was silent as I dabbed some antibiotic cream into the deeper wounds. As I was doing that, I noticed the trickle of come running down his thigh. I mentally groaned. The fact that they had sex was going to make the hurt Yohji was feeling even greater. I turned Aya around and found that he had climaxed as well from the evidence on his belly. I then noticed that there were small beads of blood on his cock.

 

“What did you have him use on you Aya? Even your cock is bleeding. We're not mentioning this part to Yohji, by the way.”

 

Aya pointed to a glove lying on the floor next to the chair. I went over and picked it up, turning it over to examine it. I hissed at the feel of the little hooks and dropped it back onto the floor. I had seen them before and even used one once. It was a little extreme even for my tastes. It figures that Aya would have something like that in his selection if he wanted to suffer.

 

I finished treating his wounds and finally said, “Do you want to know how you hurt Yohji tonight? I think it's important that you understand.”

 

Aya nodded, reeking guilt. I was going to feed it and hurt him more but I couldn't think of any other way to make him understand. I could simply tell him but I didn't think mere words would have the same impact as skimming through Yohji's brain. I led Aya to the bed and leaned back against the headboard. I pulled him down to lay against me on his belly, careful of the now tender skin of his back and ass. It worried me just a little that he didn't protest my pulling him to lay against me.

 

**Let me pull you along. Yohji can usually tell when I ghost over his mind but I think he's too upset to be paying attention tonight, ** I instructed Aya as I searched out Yohji's mind among the thousands.

 

It didn't take me long to locate him. It never did anymore. It was like both Aya and Yohji had homing beacons in their heads for me to zero in on. He was already in a bar drinking. Hurt and anger radiated from him. People were instinctively staying away from him as he tossed back the drink in front of him and called for another.

 

~Aya~

 

The pain and anger in Yohji that I had caused was enough to make me gasp. Yohji cared for me; that much was plain. He cared more for me than I had ever imagined; or he had, before I messed it all up. He was thinking that I couldn't possibly share those kinds of feelings if I had used him like I did. He was starting to believe that I saw him as some kind of convenient sex object. Kudou Yohji, the man-slut. The fuck toy for anybody's pleasure, always ready and willing to be used by the next good-looking piece of tail that came along. Just give him a little attention and he'd bend and spread for you.

 

I wanted to protest those thoughts. I loved Yohji. I didn't think of him that way; I never had. I had only wanted to do some penance for hurting him in the first place. I never would have hurt him intentionally. That I had hurt him so badly made a sob catch in my throat. I hastily pulled away from the mental connection and retreated into my head.

 

Feeling things was fine as long as it was good. This…this was painful. It hurt worse than when Aya-chan was in the coma because this was something I instigated and brought on myself. I was on the verge of loosing Yohji. He didn't want to have anything to do with me. That was a plain enough thought that I had caught before retreating. I was surprised to feel Schuldig's fingers on my face tracing a wetness on my cheek. I was horrified to find tears tracking down my face.

 

**Shhh. We can fix this, ** Schuldig said soothingly in my head as he stroked my hair. **He just needs to be alone right now. We'll let him get drunk and I'll bring him home later. He's going to be upset with you for a while but he'll forgive you once he realizes why you did what you did. Yohji doesn't hold grudges like you Aya. He's a giving person. It's his nature. He'll come around. In the mean time, don't disappear into your head behind that icy shield of yours. You do that and he'll see it as a sign that you really do see him as nothing more than a fuck toy to use and discard at your whim. **

 

I nodded against Schuldig chest and let him pet my hair as he made soothing noises. The tight, frightening feeling of losing the one I loved through my own stupidity eased. Somewhere in my brain, I knew Schuldig was screwing with my head. Relaxing me and calming the panic I was feeling at the possibility of Yohji leaving me. I was too worn out to protest his mental tuning; worn out and maybe a little grateful. I wasn't yet ready for Yohji to find out I loved him and I wasn't sure he'd believe me if I did tell him now.

 

I closed my eyes and let the white noise that Schuldig used as a mental shield run through me; easing the ache I had brought on myself. I listened to the sound of Schuldig's heartbeat under my ear and let him continue to quiet the thoughts and emotions in my head. Any other time I would have been furious at his messing with my head but at that moment, I needed him and what he could do for me. I was staggered by these feelings; I didn't know how to react.

 

I wanted to stay curled up against Schuldig and let him sooth me; he seemed perfectly content to do so. Was it possible Schuldig cared about me? I knew he felt something for Yohji; what, I wasn't sure, but I had thought it was just sex between us. The way he was treating me made me think there was more to it than that. This shined a whole new light on the relationship for me. I didn't know if I was ready for what that might mean.

 

I wasn't even ready for the knowledge that I loved Yohji like I did.