Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Purpose ❯ realizations ( Chapter 5 )

-------------------------

Ran slowly walked into the park across the street and sat down on the same bench, Yohji had sat on earlier. It was dark already. He felt as if his heart would break. He had done it again, destroyed his life. But this time for good. And this time, like the last time, he had nobody to blame than himself. Tomorrow morning, he would climb in a plane and travel to America. Leave everyone behind.

God. Why could he not simply grabbing a given chance and live with his love as long as it lasts? He knows why he had left Yohji the first time. It was not only because he was unsure. No, he left because he was a coward. He inwardly laughed bitterly. Yes, he was a coward. He was afraid, that he would be let down, and break on that.

But instead to wait and see, grabbing what life presented him with, he simply destroyed every hope himself, afraid, that eventually someone sometime took again away from him what he loved, lived for. He casually watched an elderly woman enter the apartment building, Yohji lived in. Normal people, living normal lives. He envied them.

He had come here, to say goodbye to a place, he was once happy at. After him being so silly, to throw away the good things. He was alone since then. Alone and miserable. However, he was used to being alone and miserable. But, he hadn't expected to meet Yohji here. Shaken to the core by Yohji's declaration of still loving him he wasn't able to react right, to react at all. He hadn't thought that possible anymore. He had expected being punched or strangled after being discovered by him. After approaching him so bluntly.

Sitting here, now he realized that it was a mistake what he had once done. That it all was a mistake, still. That he shouldn't have left Yohji now, or at the first place. God, it hurt so much, seeing him again. He was not good at emotional things. He was a fast thinker, could change plans on his feet, but in this, he was a complete and utterly failure.

He sat back and put his feet on the seat of the bench, legs folded against his chest, arms tight curled around them. He leaned his forehead on his knees. Now he felt there could have been a second chance for them again. If he only could have seen that earlier. However, he never had considered that before this moment. He had set his mind and gone on with it on first sight of Yohji. He had been sure that Yohji would hate him, despise him for leaving so cruel on that day.

He never had considered that Yohji had loved him truly this deeply, still did. Like he loved Askua, he had said. A feeling of dread crept up his back as he thought of times long gone. As they still were `Weiss'. How devastated Yohji was after the encounter with `Neu'. The nightmares, he got through, the dreams of Asuka. The deep despair, he experienced. Had he cruelly caused the same again?

Yes, all signs said, he had. The apartment still looked like the day he had left. As if the time had stood still. All this time, Yohji has had not moved on; had stood behind. For what? For him? For him to explain. The first word Yohji had spoken to him had been `why'. He recalled their awkward conversation in the kitchen half an hour ago.

Yohji's statement `You never loved me, hm?' and his declarations `I think I can go on now. Take the next step.'. Earlier, Ran had thought he meant, that he could go on now with his life. `You could have spared me all this time' But now... Ran's feeling of dread increased as he remembered further. `I just needed to know for sure. To get closure' and `To know you are happy means a lot to me. Makes it easier.' He had a very bad feeling. Makes what easier …

The hairs at the back of his neck suddenly stood up, as he heard the siren of a far away ambulance come nearer. Looked up at Yohji's windows, and noted them to be all bright lighted up. He gasped. No. Please don't let it be. He sprung to his feet and raced across the street, up the stairs. The door to Yohji's apartment was wide open, as was the door across.

As he hurried inside, he heard a woman call out "Back here, in the bedroom." He stopped dead in his tracks, after he entered. Blood. So much Blood. Yohji lay on the floor, the once white sheets on the bed soaked with lots of blood. The elderly woman Ran had noticed earlier, kneed beside him, applying what seemed CPR.

Tears shot to his eyes. Sight bleary he rushed to Yohji's side and fell to his knees. He almost didn't notice the woman talking to him "Do you know how to do CPR?"

Throat tight, all he could do was nod.

"Good. Take over. I have to try to stop the bleeding further. God, he must be almost empty by now." She left the room only to return a short moment with a first aid kit. She muttered under her breath while she tore through it to replace the makeshift bandages on his wrists through proper pressure bandages. "God Yohji, you wanted to make sure, ne? Pills and slit wrists. But you didn't expect me to come home early from my shift, ne?"

Ran felt again for a pulse on Yohji's neck, still nothing. Furiously he continued with his efforts to call Yohji back to life. Pressed down on his chest. Breathed air in his lungs. Again and again. Never had he thought, that the first time he would lay hands on Yohji after all this time, it would be to give CPR. Never had he thought, to lay hands on Yohji at all. "Please, don't die on me." He wept now. "Stay with me, please." His tears fell on Yohji's face as he felt again for a pulse on his neck.

There, weak but there was one. "Come on, Yohji. Breathe." Slowly Yohji's chest heaved as he weakly began breathing on his own again. Ran was crouched over him and watched him like a hawk. Tears were running down his face. One hand on Yohji's pulse, the other ran tender over his face his cheek. Ran's voice was hoarse. "Don't die on me. Please. Come on. Wake up Yotan."

He intently watched, as slowly Yohji's eyes fluttered open and gradually focused on him.

"Don't let him drift." The woman had finished with her bandages. "How many of those pills have you taken, boy?" she wiggled with an empty bottle of sleeping pills in front of Yohji's face. "Yesterday it was still full. Let me guess. All of them? At that Yohji heaved weakly one of his corners of the mouth. "Thought so. Nasty boy."

All the time, Yohji's eyes never left Ran's face. "… Crying?" He furrowed his brows while his eyes slowly slid shut again.

Ran took him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. "Don't. Open your eyes." He patted him on the cheek. "Please, Yotan. Look at me."

"Tired." Yohji responded weakly, eyes half lidded. "Let … me go."

"No. Never again." He grabbed Yohji's cold hand and pressed it to his cheek. "I love you."

Yohji smiled warily, but it was one of his rare honest, open smiles. Smiles, he spared only for him, once. It took Ran's breath away. How he had missed this, how he longed for him. Again, it hit him what an absolutely fool he had been. All this time, wasted. And now it could be too late. Too late to make amends. He caressed Yohji's cheek. "I love you. Stay with me."

Yohji dimly whispered. "Love … this dream." Then he faint sighed, his eyes closed again and his head rolled to the side, hand went slack in Ran's.

"Yohji! NO!"

------------------------------------