Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Lost Purpose ❯ ... fulfilled? ( Chapter 7 )

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It was dark and late and cold. Ran huddled in his coat, as he walked aimless trough the streets. His head hung low. He had no idea where to go. No idea, what to do. He felt helpless. He was responsible for Yohji being in a coma. He was responsible for Yohji being miserable for one and a half year. Unintentional he had awful hurt him so greatly. God.

But he knew one thing. He would make it right, this time. He would not go to America, not anymore. He would stay, as long as Yohji was in poor health. No, he would stay as long, as Yohji would him allow to. That means, when Yohji ever was able to allow something. That means, if Yohji would ever wake up. He shuddered. No. Yohji would wake up. He had to. Yes, he would. And if it takes for ever, he would wait for him.

Ran looked up and noticed for the first time the colourful Christmas decorations in the windows of the shops he passed, the people walking by in a hurry, carrying big bags. He sighed and stopped walking, watched. They seemed all so happy, content. He slowly turned. He stood in front of a jewellery shop, a sign praising custom made, finest work. On a whim, he entered it to realize an idea, which suddenly popped in his head.

Looking for, but not finding what he sought, he approached the owner of the shop to explain what he had in mind. After a few short sketches and a while of haggling over it, the man called a price Ran found right. He placed the order, paid the proper amount and the man in the shop assured him, it would be ready for pick up in three days. Satisfied with it, Ran left the shop. For the first time in a long while, he felt a little less unhappy. He had an objective now, an important one. He would not run this time. He would face things, as they presented themselves. Face them, with all their unplanned and unforeseeable surprises. Yes, he would.

Using the bus, he went to his hotel to pick up his car and his bags and checked out. Then he drove back to Yohji's apartment. He was glad; he hadn't sold his car and instead had decided simply leaving it behind at the airport with the keys inside for someone to find and take it. Somehow, it seemed ironic to him. As if, fate has decided for them. Refusing to let them part for good. For now, if Yohji would stay alive. This time, it would be Yohji deciding their destiny. He sighed and looked up at the apartment building after parking his car. He was back. He reached in his pocket and slipped the plane ticket out. After studying it a moment, he ripped it to tiny pieces. Yes, he definitively was back.

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It was the sixth day now; he was spending at the hospital, at Yohji's bed. It was the morning of Christmas Eve. And it was awfully familiar. Like all the time, he had spent on Aya-chan's side, long ago. Yohji had been transferred and now occupied a similar room. And like then, the doctors assured Ran that he was now in reasonable bodily condition, that there was no reason, he wouldn't wake up. He leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes. Omi and Ken had been here a few times, concerned, but still a little irate with him. He couldn't blame them. They had every right to be. He remembered the first time; he had called them after he had arrived in Yohji's apartment.

At first, Omi, who had answered his call, had been cheerful, pleased. That changed, after he had told him in short words of Yohji's attempted suicide. There had been a long, dreadful silence on the other side of the phone. Then Omi bombarded him with worried questions and scolded him about his selfishness, he had been appalled to hear this from someone else than his own guilty inner voice. He was shocked, to have to hear this so bold from Omi, of all people. From Ken, he would have expected this.

Afterwards, he stood there like petrified, clutching the phone in his hand, until the doorbell rang. He must have stood there at last twenty minutes, unmoving and suddenly they both were there.. After looking at him a moment, Omi hugged him tightly and seated him in the kitchen. Ken, appearing distant, started making tea. They then sat down sipping their tea, and for the first time Ran had opened up, talking really to them at all. It had been a relieving experience for him. And once begun, he seemed not able to stop it.

They had helped cleaning up the mess in the bedroom, removing all trails of the nearly happened tragedy, if not for the luck of the good neighbour changing shifts. Again it hit Ran, how close he had come loosing Yohji for good, with him sitting on the bench across the street, unsuspecting of Yohji's deadly intentions, being stupidly convinced he had done the right thing in pushing him away, for Yohji to be able to find elsewhere real happiness again, finally.

He gasped at the dread, suddenly surging though him and opened his eyes, gripping Yohji's hand again, to make sure it was not a cold and lifeless corpse lying in front of him in the hospital bed. He must have drifted off. He slept not much now, mostly drifted off on Yohji's couch a while after tending to the cat, the few hours he spent not at the hospital at all. Suddenly, it was not enough anymore, only holding his hand; to sit here and talk to him, or read aloud from one of his favorite books, or only staring at him, willing him to wake up, soft music playing in the background from one of their preferred CD's, only disturbed by the distinct beeping of the heart monitor. He had a lot time to think over these past days. And the conclusions were not pleasant at all.

Ran sighed. He had to be near him; nearer as he was now. He had to feel him, to be closer. Determined he careful climbed onto the bed, so that he could lie close beside Yohji, laid his head on Yohji's chest and listening to his steady heartbeat. He snuggled as close as possible and flung his arm around Yohji's waist, gathering him in his arms. Cradling him close after making sure, he didn't disturb the IV line and the monitoring electrodes. God, it felt so good, being near him again. To feel the warmth of the body close to him, after feeling so cold and alone for so long. This was home. Almost. A tiny bit was missing. Yohji to be aware again. He was so tired. He closed his eyes and drifted off.

Ran woke with a start. Something was different. He remembered climbing in bed to Yohji and falling asleep like he used to do so often in the past. And he had slept unusual well. He had slept, deep and peaceful, as he hadn't slept in a long time. However, something was different. All of a sudden, he noticed the beeping of the monitor had speed up, the chest he rested his head on no longer heaved in a calm and steady, but in an unsteady, abrupt rhythm, and a hand resting on his own. Slowly, he lifted his head, only to look in two all too familiar green orbs, resting incredulous on him.

He caught his breath. Yohji was awake. Ran's heart suddenly thumbed wildly in his chest up to his throat. God, he was awake. All he could do was staring, sink into this emerald gaze. His throat was tight, closed. Suddenly, he was scared. What, if Yohji rejected him now? Sent him to hell for what he had done? He swallowed hard. Scrambling to his knees on the bedside, he whispered, "Yohji?"

Yohji replied in a low hoarse voice "You really are here."

"Yes." Ran gently placed his hand lightly on Yohji's cheek.

"I dreamt," Yohji murmured and swallowed, "that you had come back. I dreamt you were there." He exhaled slowly.

"No. … no dream."

Yohji furrowed his brows, looked up to the ceiling. "So … you actually came back. You forgot something?"

Ran shifted uncomfortably on his knees. He desperately searched for the right words. It was so very hard. But he had to be honest, if there was the slightest chance for Yohji to forgive him. He cleared his throat. "I couldn't go. I sat in the park and thought about it what a fool I was. Why I hurt all those dear to me. Why I left you the first place. Then I heard an ambulance."

"I see…" Yohji stared blankly at the white ceiling, as if there was something utterly interesting to see.

"No." Ran interrupted him. "Let me finish, please." Clenching his hands in his lap, he took a deep breath. "I … I lied to you. No, I didn't lie. But the way I said it, you had to understand it the wrong way. I … I wanted you to understand it the wrong way. I wanted you to be free of me. Because … because I thought you deserve someone better and …" he heard Yohji snort at that and swallowed. "… and I am a coward. I was afraid, you would soon go back to your way of courting and wanting women, and you would in a little while be tired of me. I noticed you becoming uneasy. So I ran."

Yohji's eyes had narrowed and switched to him at that, but he remained still.

"I … I know, I can never undo what I did. And … and if you despise me now, you have very right to." He bowed his head, his red bangs covering his eyes. "I'm so very sorry."

Yohji continued to stare only. Then he asked, voice hoarse: "Why did you come back?"

"I … I felt uneasy. After I saw you, I realized I had done something terrible idiotic. That you had not moved on, as I thought you would, once you were rid of me. And that you were not well at all. Something was terrible wrong." He worried his lover lip and clenched his hands in his lap. "I wish, I could make it all go away. I'm sorry."

"I don't need your pity."

Ran's head shot up at the cold tone in Yohji's voice. "I don't pity you. He stared at Yohji and their gazes locked. "I … I love you."

He never saw it coming. "You bastard." Yohji's fist connected with his jaw in a blur of a moment. The impact heaved him up and out of the hospital bed to the floor, where he hit his shoulder painful. He instinctive rolled, but he was too stunned to move by this violent reaction on his declaration, so he stayed there on his arms and knees, shoulder hurting and jaw throbbing, blinking wildly. He slowly lifted his gaze and replied hoarse "Yes, I am. But I do love you."

Yohji had flung his forearm over his eyes. "Get out."

"Yohji …"

"GET. OUT." Yohji had raised his voice, just the moment the door opened and a nurse stepped in. She looked confused, for the loud patient; supposedly to be in a coma and the sight of him crouched on the floor. He hurried to his feet and stepped past her through the open door out in the hallway. The door closed behind him. He leaned against the wall, gingerly touching his still throbbing jaw. Yohji sure still had a hell of a punch.

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