Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Malarkeys and Mayhem ❯ Bleachy Goodness ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

This segment of the story was written with my little sister Chikin. It was her idea and I tweaked it a little, and we did the actual writing of it together. Once again, this is telepathic communication.

Omi glared at the little computer screen before him. As he was quite the adept little hacker, and the mission wasn't really that difficult anyway (collect info from sketchy corporation onto data disk and deliver to Kritiker), he had everything all set up and was just waiting for it to load. And it was loading very, very slowly.

Omi bounced nervously on the balls of his feet. The other members of Weiss were elsewhere in the spooky-empty business building killing guards and whatever else may stop the data recovery. And if there happened to be a target relating to this mission left around in an office or so, kill them too. Omi didn't like the idea of everyone being so far away lest something big go wrong, which it usually did with his luck. Although the fact that he'd encountered Schwarz and managed to get away with all their lives in tact (yay for passed out and useless assassins, fucking Sims) made him feel a bit more confident.

"Come on, come on. Load. Lo-a-d!" Omi urged the computer.
He was then startled as the lights turned on. He spun around, and after the momentary blindness of the sudden amount of light wore off, was faced with Nagi.

"What are you doing here?" Both boys asked at the same time.

Nagi seemed to recover from his shock first, however, as Omi was sent crashing into a nearby wall well before he even thought to reach for his darts.

Nagi stared at the crumpled teen on the floor in front of him. Took in the trickle of blood along Omi's scalp, the slightly odd angle his neck had taken as he'd fallen. And Nagi suddenly felt anxious.

They'd gotten express orders from Crawford not to kill Weiss. Weiss was needed for their future plans of crushing Esset and eventually global domination and mass chaos, panic, etc. They were going to serve as unwitting pawns, and it was hard to be unwitting pawns while being dead.

Funny. He and Schuldig had started a pool over who was going to blow it first, and all bets had been on Farf. It was just a matter of when. Nagi had been second only to Crawford in least likely to fuck it up.

"What's taking so long? Can't you just grab the compu-holy shit!" Schuldig exclaimed upon entering the room.

Nagi turned around quickly. "Ssh!"

"Hey Crawford! Come and see what wonder boy over here did!" Schuldig shouted, a wicked grin on his face.

"Farf did it! Stop it!" Nagi shouted helplessly. He sent an office chair at Schuldig's head, but Schu ducked out of the way easily.

"Trying to do me in too now, are you? Hey Crawford!"

"Shut up!" Nagi screamed. "I covered you when you sold Crawford's DNA to that sketchy pharmaceutical company. And I took the fall when you let Farf out on Ash Wednesday. And you blamed me when you fed the team mascot, Mr. Bubbles the happy hamster to your deranged pets! You owe me!" Nagi yelled.

"Oh sure, I'll cover for the corpse over there." Schu argued back. "Okay, this is what we do. You get two sticks and some string. We'll tie him up and turn him into a mannequin. See if anyone notices."

"This is not funny!" Nagi hissed.

"You'll need to get some air freshener too, he's gonna start to stink after awhile." Schuldig continued.

"I figured you were the one who killed Mr. Bubbles." Farfarello said upon entering. "Who killed him?"

"Nagi." Schu answered.

"I didn't-I mean-HE ATTACKED ME FIRST!!" Nagi screeched. He was starting to get really nervous. As such, things around the room were wiggling and cracking.

Farf bent down next to Omi and inspected him. "For a dead body, he sure does breathe loudly."

"What?" Nagi asked hopefully.

Schuldig joined Farf in the body inspection. "Hey yeah, he is still alive. Wait! Wait, he's slipping…"

"What?!" Nagi's face fell.

"Wait, he's back!" Schu exclaimed. "Hallelujah! Sorry Farf. Oh, he's dead again."

Nagi fixed a deadly glare at Schuldig. "Is he alive or dead?"

"Hard to tell really. Could go either way. He's breathing pretty shallowly." Schuldig noted.

"Lost him." Farf turned to Nagi. Nagi's eyes widened.
Then he heard a voice in his head.

Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o…I am the blond Weiss chibi speaking from beyond the gra-a-a-a-a-ave…why did you kill me Nagi? Wo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o…I shall have revenge!

"Schu get the fuck out of my head!" Nagi yelled, hurling the office chair at Schuldig again. Schu dodged it and it hit the wall behind him, then fell onto Omi's prone body.

"Ah!" Nagi exclaimed, quickly sending the office chair to the other side of the room.

"Well that's finished him. That chair." Farf noted.

"Yeah, he's a goner now. Good job Nagi. We could've saved him too." Schuldig added.

Nagi was almost hysterically nervous now. The light bulb suddenly blew up.

"What the hell is going on in here, I thought I told you all to keep a low profile!" Crawford snapped, finally entering the office.

"Farf did it!" Nagi chirped.

"How many times do we have to go over this. You can't use Farf as an excuse for everything. You're going to own up to this like a man and march over there and tell Crawford you killed the blond kid from Weiss." Schuldig said, evil grin in place.

"What?!" Crawford yelled. "We need them alive for at least another few months!"

"I didn't mean to! I just, he was there and then he was against the wall and there was a crack sound and then I threw the chair-but-I-was-really-trying-to-kill-Schu-and-not-him-"

"Calm down. He's not even dead." Farf said, looking at Nagi as though he were very slow.

"But…you all said-" Nagi looked very, very angry. "I hate you all. Even more than I did before and that's saying something! This is a whole new dimension of hate!"

Schuldig and Farfarello collapsed to the ground laughing their asses off at him.

Crawford walked over to Omi's body and prodded it with his foot. An idea occurred to him.

"Nagi, one of the reasons we need Weiss alive is happening within the next week. They're going on a seemingly insignificant mission which is going to set off a chain of important events. I don't believe, in his present state, that Bombay will be able to go on this mission." Crawford noted dryly.

Nagi gulped. This was going to affect him negatively somehow. Shuldig and Farfarello were watching in amusement. Crawford glared at them both.

"Hey, for once it wasn't us!" Schuldig pointed out.

"So…you think he's paralyzed for life?" Farfarello asked. Schuldig snickered.

Crawford cleared his throat very loudly.

"He is not paralyzed for life. He will wake up about two hours from now with temporary memory loss."

"Making him useless for that mission." Nagi muttered.

"Which is why he will have a stand in." Crawford said evasively.

Schuldig looked like he knew where this was going, though Nagi was having a bit of a difficult time following Crawford's train of thought. (He's normally pretty bright, but he was recovering from having the shit scared out of him by his less than sensitive team-mates).

"Why are you all looking at me?" Nagi asked nervously.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

"Omi…are you okay?" Ken asked.

"Oh…yeah, I'm fine." A high pitched voice that didn't quite sound like Omi's answered. Ken could just make him out from the end of the hallway. His movements were a bit stiff and jerky, but it was obviously Omi. "Listen, I got the disk. Tell that blond guy and the red head that I'll be back later. I have…somewhere to go. See ya later!"

Ken blinked again and stared at Omi. He was about thirty feet away at the end of a corridor, halfway behind a wall, at the corner between two hallways, and Ken couldn't get a very good look at him. He shrugged it off, and promised to tell Yohji and Aya that Omi would be back late.

Meanwhile, Schuldig was holding Omi's unconscious body halfway out into the corridor, and Nagi was throwing his voice down the hall. Schuldig dropped Omi onto the ground as soon as Ken left.

"Not the most observant little assassin in the world, is he?" Schuldig noted.

"Come on, we don't have much time before the other two get suspicious. They're a little more intelligent than that first one." Nagi snapped, lifting Omi telekinetically and tugging him towards the exit.

"The blond guy and the red head?" Crawford asked.

"I was on the spot, okay? I didn't remember their names." Nagi muttered.

"You'll have to work on your Omi-voice." Schuldig added. "It may have worked on that idiot over there, but it won't fool the other two. High pitched yes, but not puberty high pitched."

"Look, if you think you can do a better job then why don't you pose as Omi!" Nagi yelled.

"Oh no, you're not using that one on me again!" Schu snapped back.

"I could just see that. Omi growing a few feet, hair suddenly changes color. Fashion sense goes from flamingly gay to just horrible. All in the course of two hours." Crawford mused.

"Horrible? And what is wrong with the way I dress?" Schu demanded.

"Where do you want me to start?" Crawford returned.

AT DA SCHWARZ HOUSE

"I'd say we have about two hours to make you look like Omi." Crawford assessed.

"What are you going to do to me?" Nagi asked, somewhat nervous. Sure, he looked quite a bit like Omi, but he was still about two inches shorter and had much darker hair.

"First we need to take care of the hair. What do you think? It's pretty dark…we might need to bleach his hair before we dye it." Schuldig noted, poking around at Nagi's scalp.

"Wh-what? Can't we just get a wig?" Nagi asked.

"Oh sure, if you wanna spend all day wig hunting be my guest." Schuldig called as he headed for his room.

"Do you actually have any bleach?" Nagi asked, knowing the answer already. If it involved his personal torture and pain, of course it would be handy.

"Sure! I have some leftover from that time I bleached my hair. It's a little old, but it should still work." Schu answered.

"You mean that time you turned your hair green?" Crawford asked.

"WHAT?!" Nagi screeched. "You're not turning my hair green!"

"Oh calm down. It only turned green because he went swimming." Farfarello answered.

"Oh yes, I decided to go swimming. In my clothes." Schuldig snapped, returning with the bleach.

"You looked funny when you didn't realize it was the shallow end." Farfarello said quietly.

Crawford read the instructions on the bleach box. "Okay, we need plastic gloves to protect our hands."

"And you're putting that stuff on my head?" Nagi asked.

"Well I suppose you could do it yourself if you don't want our help." Schu supplied.

"Okay, I want Crawford to do it! I don't trust you. Or you. I want you to stay away from my head."

What about inside your head?

"Out! Get out!" Nagi yelled.

"What's that horrible smell?" Farfarello asked. "Smells like burning and pain."

Crawford had mixed the bleach.

"Jeezus, crack a window!" Schuldig complained loudly.

"Shut up. So…do I just dump it on his head?" Crawford asked.

"No!" Nagi wailed, covering his head with his hands. "That's it-I quit!" He took off at a run.

"Someone grab him!" Crawford ordered.

The three chased after him. Nagi was heading towards his bedroom, with the impressive lock on the door. He used his powers to slam it open and slid towards the door.

He almost made it too, before Schu grabbed his legs and tugged him back towards the kitchen.

"LET ME GO!!" Nagi yelled. He slammed Schuldig into the ceiling, but Schu didn't let go of him so he hit the ceiling as well, which stunned him and they both dropped to the floor in a heap.

Crawford and Farf stood over them.

"Now that that's out of your system, are you ready to have your head bleached?" Crawford asked calmly.

"You ask me as though you're giving me a choice." Nagi snapped.

LITTLE LATER

Is it supposed to do that? Crawford thought at Schuldig.

It didn't do that when I did my hair. Schu answered.

"Well your hair is lighter. We had to leave it in longer for Nagi." Crawford answered.

Nagi turned to look at the others. They all looked semi-nervous, and he could tell that they were communicating without letting him hear it.

"What's going on? Is my head supposed to be burning like this?" Nagi asked.

"Oh good, he can still feel it." Schu said under his breath.

"What?" Nagi asked.

"When we rinse it, are we supposed to shampoo or just use water?" Crawford asked.

"That's a good question." Schu answered.

Nagi whimpered.

"Well…well we should probably rinse it anyway. Soon. Schuldig turn on the water!" Crawford snapped, sounding more uneasy as he went.

"R-right." Schuldig had a nice big, fake smile plastered onto his face, as did Crawford. "Don't worry kid, you'll be fine."

'Schu's being nice to me'. Nagi thought to himself. "OH GOD I'M DYING!!"

"Just get under the sink." Crawford tried to sound reassuring, but the fact that he all but carried Nagi to the sink didn't have a very reassuring effect.

"Hold your hands over your face, you don't want that stuff in your eyes!" Schu called as Crawford turned on the water and began scrubbing at Nagi's head.

"OW!! Do you have to pull at it? Why is everyone freaking out? What's going on?!" Nagi sobbed. It was a bit muffled by the hands over his face and the sound of the running water.

"Should his hair be smoking like that?" Farfarello asked. He'd just returned from the drug store with a box of cornsilk blond dye.

"SMOKING?!?!" Nagi screamed.

"Hold still Nagi, you're going to drown if you keep thrashing!" Crawford yelled, now annoyed.

"It burns!" Nagi yelled.

"I told you not to move, that's what you get!" Crawford shouted above Nagi's wailing.

"The sink's filling up with water." Farfarello noted.

"Yeah, it does that when it's plugged." Crawford snapped.

"Since when did we have a plug for the kitchen sink?" Farfarello asked.

"Since Nagi's hair started falling out and plugging it up." Schu noted.

Nagi had ceased to scream his outrage and instead was letting out a continuous wail of displeasure.

"Will you stop that?! The neighbors are going to think we're killing you or something! They'll call DSS again!" Crawford snapped.

"THEY ARE KILLING ME!! THEY'RE DROWNING ME IN THE SI-" His scream was cut off by Crawford pushing him under the water.

"Schuldig, grab his arms so he stops flailing."

"Righto. Well the bleach is out. Farf, did you mix the dye yet?" Schu asked.

"All set." Farfarello responded.

"Quick, let's dye his hair now while he's pinned." Crawford muttered.

Everyone was now wet and angry, except Farfarello, who was enjoying himself quite a bit.

Crawford let Nagi up for some air. He sucked in a huge gulp, coughed a bit, and then continued to yell at them.

"I hate you all! All of you! I didn't use to hate you quite so much Crawford, but I really hate you now! I hate you all more than cancer! I ha-" He was then plunged under the water again.

SKIPPY SKIPPY

"You look lovely, really. Blond suits you." Schu answered, then broke off into a snicker.

Nagi's eye was twitching. They couldn't tell if it was the bleach, or the anger. Blond didn't suit him all that well at all, because of the incredibly angry, almost scary expression on his face. Otherwise he would have looked very cute.

"We just have the matter of height and clothing to deal with now." Crawford noted. "Which should be easy enough. We'll send you off in the clothes Omi was wearing. Then you'll have his closet when you get there."

"And the height?" Nagi asked.

"Maybe no one will notice." Schuldig muttered.

"Well…just in case, I had Farfarello get you these." Crawford answered, handing Nagi a shoe-box.

Nagi pulled out a pair of white platform sneakers. Seconds earlier, they all would have thought it wasn't possible for Nagi to look more angry or insulted. They were proven wrong. "These are girl shoes."

"And the kid dresses like a girl. Either that or he's gay. Very, very gay." Schu noted dryly.

"They've got pink butterflies on them! I'm not wearing these." Nagi said flatly, shoving the box back to Crawford. "I can hover."

"You are damn well not going to hover! We've gone through too much for this cover now wear the damn shoes!" Crawford snapped, what little of his patience had remained now gone.

"You went through too much?! I'm the one that was drowned in a sink full of bleach! I'm the one that lost hair! Fuck you!" Nagi screamed. Then he was slapped across the face.

"Don't sass me boy! There's no crying in baseball!" Crawford yelled.

"What?" Schu asked, more confused than anything else.
"I…I don't know. It's from a movie, I just felt like saying it. You've never seen the Bad News Bears?" Crawford asked.

"N-no, I haven't." Schu muttered.

"I'll wear the girl shoes." Nagi muttered.