Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Mission: Midwest ❯ Ensuing Madness ( Chapter 1 )

 

“So what do you think of them, dear?” the plump little housewife asked.

 

“Think of who?”

 

“The Blacks.”

 

“What's black?” he asked, not looking up from the sports section of the paper.

 

“Our new neighbors last name. They just started moving in yesterday. The wife seems nice. I think she's German or something. There's definitely an accent there. I haven't met the husband yet but the boys are adorable. Well, I suppose the older one would be if it weren't for those clothes. They have a toddler who's just darling.”

 

“Then go take them a pie or something.”

 

******

“I mean it, Oracle. I swear I'm never going to the grocery store again,” Nagi said, glaring at the back of Schuldig's head through the kitchen doorway.

 

Crawford pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses. “Do I want to know what he did?”

 

“Probably not but I'll tell you anyway. He wore a skirt so damn short no one had to use their imagination to figure out what his ass looked like. Refused to speak English to anyone in the store. Pretended he was confused about how to use American money.”

 

“I doubt that's what has you so irritated.”

 

“No, the piece de resistance was when he peeled and deep throated the entire damn banana. I think the stockboy had to go change pants.”

 

“Dear gods. Schuldig!”

 

“What?!” came the question from the kitchen, sounding heartily annoyed and somewhat muffled.

 

“The point is to blend in. Not give the local grocery boys wet dreams.”

 

“I was blending in. I'm being a bored housewife,” he called from the kitchen.

 

“Try to be a little less bored in the future. We can't afford to have them find out about us.”

 

“Did you see them find out about us?”

 

“Not yet.”

 

“Then stop getting your man panties in a wad,” Schuldig snarled. “I don't hear you bitching about Nagi wearing more makeup than one of the local hookers.”

 

Crawford's eyebrows lifted a little as he looked at Nagi. “I was going to ask why you're looking like an Alice Cooper reject but decided I really didn't want to know.”

 

Nagi shrugged. “I thought I'd try the Goth look,” he said, through the black lipstick. “There are at least a dozen other teenagers who look worse at the local high school. I researched it ahead of time.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Scheisse! How the hell did something that big come out of something that small?” Schuldig said, trying to maneuver the salad tongs under the edge of the plastic.

 

“I told him not to piss off the witch,” Nagi said, walking over lean in the doorway and picking imaginary lint off of the black shirt he was wearing.

 

“Ha! It was too much fun,” Farf said from his place on the kitchen table.

 

“Just be happy she didn't turn you into a newt,” Crawford said, coming into the kitchen. “What is that gods awful stench?”

 

“This,” Schuldig said, holding out the thing he had finally managed to grasp in the salad tongs. His voice was muffled through the military issue gas mask he was wearing.

 

“Throw that away. Farf, you're a toddler, not an infant go to the bathroom. Thank goodness the other witches we talked to said the spell should only last about six months or so.”

 

“I hope so. I'm not raising a little assassin,” Schuldig said, stripping off the rubber gloves he had on.

 

“That would have him in therapy for the next fifty years,” Nagi said, grabbing a soda out of the refrigerator.

 

“Couldn't be any worse than his previous childhood,” Schuldig said, lifting the squirming toddler Farfarello by his feet and sliding the diaper under his butt. Before he could fold it back up and fasten it, Farf did what any self respecting two year old would, peed all over him.