Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ Never Said I Love You ❯ Never Said I Love You ( One-Shot )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Never Said I Love You

Never Said I Love You
By Llewlyn



Summary: Schuldich's in an abusive semi-relationship with Crawford and wants out, but he can't seem to leave him.

Rating: R for violence and brief, extraordinarily undetailed descriptions of sex (for me)

Author's note: This is my first attempt at first person in present tense. Please be gentle.
A/N Pt. 2: Well, I hope this lives up to SOMEBODY'S poor opinion of my work *cough* Alkali *cough* I want it known that I wrote this at two am, with no thought to character development, and ended up having weirdass dreams about it. The moral: if you're going to say my stuff sucks, leave me an address or something to talk to you and get it better!
A/N Pt. 3: I'm trying to get TtEoaChild done, but I seem to have missed placed the prologue somewhere on one of three computers. As soon as I find it I'll post it. That said, angst awaits!





Not that in all the years that I was with him, as a colleague, a subordinate, a fucktoy, has he ever said I love you. I've been with him since I was seventeen.

He's never said thank you, either.

Maybe that's why I was so angry when he told me my next mission was an assignation. With an enemy of ours, nonetheless. I know it had to be done, and I was the only one who could do it. Nagi is too young, Farfarello too unstable. And neither of them can read minds or alter perceptions the way I can. At least the guy I have to sleep with isn't disgusting... for a Takatori. Weiss' Persia is young enough to appreciate the fact that I'm a human being, to pretend romance before we have sex. Young enough, unlike some people I've seduced and bedded, to appreciate my beauty. I don't say that to be conceited, I say it because it's the truth. I'm beautiful. I know it, and I take care that I stay that way.

While the chief of police grunts atop me, panting, and I make passionate sounds and pretend to enjoy my position in life- on my back- I wonder what it would be like to have sex with someone who actually, really cared about me, who wanted truly to share the pleasure and not just give it because his conscience would be assuaged by my orgasm. Would it be the sweet, slow stuff of innocent girls' innocently dirty fantasies? Or would it be wilder, scorching hot with passion, like the yaoi stories I peeked at over Nagi's shoulder when he was trying to be discreet?

The Takatori comes inside me, and I come, too, not even having to pick up his pleasure to do so like I so often do. He moans and I have to bite my lip to prevent from crying out someone else's name. They never liked that. I scream mentally, instead...

BRAD!!

I wasn't supposed to stick around, and I don't. As soon as Persia is out cold (helped along by a little mental pressure) I pull on my clothes and drive back to Schwartz HQ, relaying the information I'd picked out of his mind during sex.

So the youngest kitten, the one Nagi called the Genki One, was another Takatori... rabbits, they were... and not even Reiji's son, like the family thought... this was interesting. And there were some mission plans for the next few weeks. Very helpful, because even I was having a hard time reading Persia's mind. He had strong natural shields, and apparently the only time he dropped them was during a nice bout of sweaty sex, courtesy of me. You're welcome, Crawford.

He slaps me as soon as I entered the apartment. Never do that again, he hisses, glaring at me with his flashing amber eyes. You distracted me while I was supposed to be guarding Takatori at a drug dealer's.

No, really. You're welcome, Crawford. I'll go sleep with whomever you want me to, it's no trouble. It doesn't hurt me at all. I don't feel the least bit used. I'll try and remember that, Fearless Leader... I mutter, rubbing my cheek where he'd struck me, and push past him to my room. As I pass Nagi on his computer, he thinks at me, Why do you let him treat you like that? You're stronger than him .
I don't know, chibi, I really don't. I know I'm stronger than he is, psychically, but physically, and emotionally, he's the strong one. In a fight, he'd kick my cute little ass to kingdom come, then drag me back for more. And still the thought of losing him, whether to some one else or death, scares me nearly shitless. I'm dependant on him, and he knows it.

That's why he knows he can get away with anything, could beat me and use me and I won't protest. Because I am too weak to leave. I flop back on my luxurious bed, sighing quietly. I strip down to my boxers, wondering if I had the energy to make it to the shower to wash of the feel of sex on my skin. I don't and just lay on top of my sheets.

I drift off eventually, only to be woken up by a familiar weight pressing me into the bed. Don't make a sound... Crawford's voice comes in a whisper, stirring the hair by my ear. He pulls my shorts off my legs, depositing them on the floor. I can feel his erection straining at the front of his perfectly pressed pants, grinding against my bare thigh.

Not now, Crawford... I hiss, only to be answered with a slap. Shut up, you slut... you know you want it, you always want it. I bite my lip then. His hands trail down my body, touching me in all the right places. Don't try to hide, Schuldich... he murmurs, wrapping his long, slender fingers around my unwelcome erection. You want it.

I give in to the inevitable, knowing that if I don't fight, he'd make sure that I physically enjoy it. He doesn't care whether I do emotionally, or mentally. As long as I come before he does it's all even. Maybe that's why I hope he actually cared about me, even though most of the time I'm sure he doesn't.

A short time later, Crawford strokes my bruised cheek softly. I'm sorry, Schu, you know I don't like hitting you... He sounds sincere, he always does. And I give in, like I always do, and nod. I know what I should tell him, that I'm sick of being slapped and punched and fucked, that I want him to leave me alone, but I can't. He wouldn't say thank you and he wouldn't say I love you, but he always said sorry. And since his mind had such strong walls, I can't read him to see if he meant it, not even when we were having sex.

You don't have any assignations for a while, he says, leaning in to kiss my neck. I lay unresponsive except to run my fingers through his sable hair, which I knew he like. Such a good little slut. I am always the good little slut, the assassin who fucks people for a living. The one living in an abusive relationship. I know that's what it is. I can't stop it. I don't want to.

But I do, I do want to stop it, to make him go away and never crouch over me on my own bed, never hit me or kiss me and beg for forgiveness. I want to tell him that I was sick of him, sick of bending over and spreading my legs for him. I want out.

Nagi seems convinced that I'm insane. I always have a bruise or five somewhere, and it's more often than not caused by Crawford's fists, for insolence, for disobediance, for the fact that he wants to hit someone and Nagi's too small and Farf's too dangerous. I sometimes think I'm crazy, too. Why else would I put up with him? Why else would I need him so badly, want him to the point where sometimes I seek him out? It happens rarely, but it does, and then always after he's split my lip or torn me open inside and won't speak to me. I crave his presence. I need him, I need his mind, his voice, his body over me and in me.

Farfarello thought, when he was coherent, that this was induced, and that it was SS's way of keeping me tied to them. By keeping me under Crawford's iron fist, they were assured of the fact that I wasn't going to go ballistic and kill them all with the sheer force of my mind. I could, too, if I tried. But I won't, because killing SS means killing Crawford and Nagi and Farfarello, and they are the only ones I won't hurt.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to leave Crawford, leave Schwarz behind forever and hide in the world, somewhere far from both Tokyo and Luxembourg, SS's toy cities. Maybe Crawford's own native San Francisco, or London. I would bury my abilities, never touch someone else's mind again, in order to be free from them.

I'll try it once. And I'm waiting for the right moment.

It's today, almost a year after the collapse of the SS leaders. Three new elders have taken their place. Nagi came to me with urgent information. Crawford had a ring... for me. They were planning... they being the new SS and Crawford... to tie me to them even closer with marriage. You have to go now if you're ever going to escape. Farf was right. And they'll kill you if you say no . I stare at the boy in growing fear. I couldn't leave Crawford, I don't know what I'll do if I'm not with him. My life with Schwarz is built around him, around avoiding the beatings and assignations with strange men we kill a few days later... wait for the words that I need to hear so badly.

Nagi , I can't go... I can't leave him... I shake my head. I'll get caught as soon as I try something.

You have to try... Schu, please, Farf and I are tired of taking care of your injuries. We'll miss you... I'll miss you, but you have to go! I got you a ticket to New York City... from there you can go where ever you want... you just need to leave. Now. Nagi hugs me. Please, Schu, you're the only family I've ever known but you have to go. Crawford... he'll kill you someday if you don't.

I nod dumbly. Come visit me if you can... thank you, Nagi... I don't know if I can do it, but I'll try, for his sake. I feel the ticket's slight weight in my pocket. Your plane leaves in two hours. Don't take anything, just get to the airport. I nod again and kiss the top of his head.

Thank you, Nagi. Say goodbye to Farf for me.

I walk out the door as calmly as though I'm going to the store for a loaf of bread and a pack of cigarettes. Crawford is accompanying our new employer to a meeting out of town. He won't be back until nightfall. I stop along the way to the airport, at a cheap haircut place and get my long hair chopped off. He'd wanted me to grow it. I leave without paying, telling the woman's mind that I did pay. I feel a little bad about it but it is my life or ten American bucks. No contest. At the airport, I slide through security without once stepping through a metal detector. I keep my handgun and a knife concealed in my clothing, and find a seat facing a window.

My plane is due to start boarding when I hear a familiar voice. Schu. You're coming home now. A familiar hand settles on my arm, pulling me to my feet and turning me to face Crawford. I'm going to punish you for this, Schuldich, he intones menacingly. I know that.

We leave the airport and get in his car and drive back to the apartment we still hold as Schwarz HQ. For the sake of appearances he is well behaved until we arrive in our bedroom. It's his room. It's my cell. That wasn't the smart thing to do, Schuldich, Crawford says coldly, raising his hand to strike me. I don't cower. I'm done. I want to die. He glares at me. Insolent brat, he snarls, and punches me viciously. I take a step back, catching my balance as a bruise forms almost instantly. He hits me again, and again and again and again and again until I lose count and fall to my knees, biting my lip to hold back tears. I will not cry for this man again.

This outrages him and Crawford kicks me. I feel a rib crack. He's wearing steel-toed shoes. Blood seeps from the corner of my mouth and both nostrils, as well as a cut over my left eye. I will not cry from pain. I earned this by trying to leave home. This is my due for being disobedient. The blows keep coming, landing on my face, chest, back, and legs. I will not cry. Finally he sighs. I'm sorry it came to this, Schuldich. I look up at him through lashes caked with blood, holding my ribs painfully. He picks something up off the bed nearby and shows it to me. It's a whip.

I hear a sharp crack before I even register that he's used it, then comes searing pain on my back. I scream, but I don't allow any tears. Another lash falls on me, and the steady stream begins, each blow bringing another cry until all I can do is gasp helplessly. My eyes are empty, the whip stained with my blood and my clothes torn to shreds. I've since fallen onto my stomach, lying like one dead while he beat me. Now, tears are running down my face.

Schuldich... baby, I'm sorry... he murmured, setting the whip down beside me and pulling me into his arms. You can't leave. It would kill me if you did. It will kill me to stay . I swear I won't hit you again if you'll only do what I say. You'll hit me as soon as you have a bad day. Baby... Don't call me that. Baby, I'm sorry... I really am. I want to die. Why won't you kill me? Can't you hear what I'm thinking? He picks me up in his strong, brutal arms and gently sets me on our... his bed. As soon as I can move again I'll try to escape. I feel a sharp sting on my back He's putting antiseptic on my cuts. I idly think, how sweet... he really does care about me. Schu, I promise, when your back heals, I'll take you somewhere... for the weekend. Just you and me. And the whip. Your birthday is soon... we'll go then. I'll try again before then. Ok? No. I nod my head yes like a good little slut.

He kisses my temple. Here... he helps me sit up and offers me a glass of water and a pill. Sleeping medication. And another. Pain killers. I swallow them both and hope he got the dose wrong, that he's overdosed me and I'll die. He didn't. I fall asleep and he still sits next to me. He still hasn't said I love you.