Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ This is Not My Life ❯ While this civil war keeps raging in my mind ( Chapter 22 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
A/N: Well, lengthy author's note here…. First I need to say, this chapter leaves my established comfort zone for the first time. I hope I haven't managed to throw off the balance of the story. I think I managed to keep it in my style despite the rating now gradually creeping upwards. Well, I hope. Anyway, you might notice that the language has rather abruptly gotten harsher. I actually intended for language like this to occur in several places in earlier chapters…but I toned it down to adhere to a lower rating, as I didn't know what direction I would ultimately be taking the story. Now that the rating has had to go up for other reasons, I'm switching back to the language I felt was natural for the situation (which is rather abundant in this chapter, as Aya is quite emotionally distressed.) I apologize if this bothers anyone, but it really was my intent from the beginning.
“While this civil war keeps raging in my mind”
-Aya-
Yohji's been getting a little…distant.
He's taken to disappearing a lot. He keeps going for `walks.'
…Walks that can last up to three hours.
Call me cynical, but he wasn't exactly much for recreational exercise back in Tokyo. Well, not unless the word `exercise' was actually an innuendo for something else.
It's disturbing that I would even think of that without him around to drop the hint.
He's getting to me.
I ought to be glad for the time alone. It should be a relief. I could be getting stuff done.
I'm mostly just hanging around the hotel by myself, trying to nail down just why it bothers me so much that he's gone.
Because it does. It bothers me.
There were so many points where I could have avoided this. So many opportunities to shut him out. And each time I didn't. I bent. Over and over again. Why? So he could go on three hour walks?
I can't help but assume I'm the cause of that. They started after I opened up to him, you know. He wanted to pry so much. I acquiesced. Does he wish he hadn't now? I know he had much more romantic ideas of what the `real me' was like. I'm sure he's disappointed…if not completely freaked out.
Which should be good. I'm supposed to want him to leave me alone.
`Supposed' being the key word.
Damnit.
How did I let him get to me like this?
I've never met anyone who was more…invasive.
Hn, Kudoh. More like Kudzu.
Relentlessly working his way into all the cracks in my foundation. Until it breaks. Creeping over everything.
I shouldn't have let this happen.
I shouldn't have stayed in the car.
If I hadn't stayed in the car Yohji would be gone. Really gone. Out-of-Weiss-never-to-be-seen-again gone. I can tell. He only said he'd been thinking about that, but still, I can tell. I know Yohji would be gone.
But wouldn't that be for the best? He'd be happier gone. I'd be…better off alone. That's what would have been best. Right?
I'm supposed to say `yes.'
But really, the thought makes me feel kind of ill.
I could still leave.
But something's still stopping me. If I'm honest with myself, I know I don't really want to.
The fact that I don't want to makes me feel kind of ill too.
I'm a bad brother. I've never gone this many days without visiting Aya-chan before.
How is it possible that Yohji could get to me so much it interferes with Aya? It shouldn't be feasible! I would have thought it laughable. No one gets in the way of time with my sister.
…No one but Yohji, apparently.
Damnit.
If the mere fact that I'm even still here with him isn't proof enough that I'm losing my mind, how about this? One of his vanishing acts actually made me so antsy I attempted to read that horrendous romance novel he picked up a few days ago. Note the use of the word `attempted.' I had to skip over bits; I honestly couldn't stomach the whole thing.
The characters were so…two dimensional. The girl was beautiful. Perfect. Yet no one wanted her. Except for the dashing outlaw, who was also perfect, aside from being a `bad guy.' The romance, if that word even qualifies, was so superficial it made me cringe. Two perfect outcasts, perfectly in love. Nauseating. Is that what Yohji's looking for? Is that the sort of thing he really wants?
He says he wants me.
Well, said.
The balance has shifted since that night on the hill side. Things have already changed. Yohji's changed.
I didn't even really believe him when he confessed, so I'm hardly going to assume he's still interested. It's not that I think he was lying; I'm sure he believed himself. I just don't believe he really knew what he thought he was thinking. I was pretty sure that if he got a better view he'd reassess.
Is that why I did it?
So he'd change his mind?
It must have been.
I let him get to me, so he'd change his mind.
It's what I wanted. I definitely wanted him to change his mind. He can just go for walks until he sorts it all out, and he'll realize I'm too much of a mess to bother with, and then everything can go back to normal. We can go home and I can get my focus back on Aya-chan.
Aya chan is the only thing that matters. I have to remember that.
It shouldn't be a question of `remembering' though. It should be unequivocal. There should be no competition. I shouldn't be finding my mind filled with other invasive topics in the first place.
I've been thinking about him a lot.
I need to figure out why.
Well, it makes sense that I'd be thinking about someone if I'm trapped with them all alone.
…Except for the fact that I'm no longer `trapped' with him. I'm just alone.
…And still thinking about him.
Funny how the more space he gives me the more persistent my thoughts become.
Must be irony. Or…something.
It certainly can't be….
I can't even let myself think it.
Because it's ridiculous.
It's totally impossibly unfathomable that I might actually be interested in him back.
Inconceivable.
Not a chance.
Right?
I miss the days when I could actually feel the conviction behind my beliefs. I'm no longer sure about anything.
I'm no longer sure that I want him to leave me alone.
I'm not sure if I'm letting him get to me because I actually want him to. Or if I just expect him too. He fits so neatly into my fairy tale. It almost seems inevitable.
Am I really that fatalistic?
Which is worse? Relinquishing to an expectation? Or wanting him?
Could I really…?
No.
…Maybe.
See, the thing is, I've honestly never been all that interested in girls.
I thought I was too busy for them; my mind was always occupied with other things. It never occurred to me that I might be interested in, well, NOT girls. I wasn't looking because I didn't think I needed anyone. I thought I was self-sufficient. I wanted to be self-sufficient.
It was so easy to assume….
I never tried to contest the assumption.
Am I…you know…?
I can't definitively say no.
Damn. How does someone make it through twenty years of life without noticing something like that?
…The same way they make it through twenty years without kissing anyone.
(Well, until now.)
I didn't try, wasn't looking….
Damn.
I walk over to the wall and rest my head against it, letting my eyes slide shut.
Damn.
I don't want this. I don't want to need anyone. I don't want my attention distracted from my sister.
Damn, damn, damn.
Sometimes, when I'm in a particularly self-punishing mood I let myself wonder how mom and dad would feel if they knew that I'd never made it to college.
I'd been planning on it. I'd been working part-time to pay for it…. Good thing too; gave me a head start on those hospital bills.
Now I wonder how they'd feel about this little development.
I honestly have no clue. It's not a topic that ever came up with them.
Not that it matters. I kind of think that having a son who repetitively kills people tops the charts for being a massive disappointment. It doesn't really get much worse than that. Everything else probably falls off the radar.
Or maybe not.
Well, it's inconsequential. They'll never know. They're quite thoroughly and unarguably gone.
For all my flippant allusions to it in the heat of battle…I've never really been able to believe in anything like an afterlife, you know…. I don't think Yohji does either, in spite of his bizarre penchant for crosses. I think they have more to do with his sense of humor than any inclination towards religion. He's got a really odd sense of humor.
I might be making assumptions though.
I've been making more of those lately than I'm comfortable with.
Which is why I'm now trying to really figure things out, instead of coasting by on any more dangerous assumptions.
Okay, I'll try looking at the facts.
First of all, Yohji claims to be interested in me. Which may or may not still be true.
Secondly…I…may or may not be interested too.
Of course…I might or might not just be interested in what Yohji represents. Assuming any interest is present, of which I'm not willing to confirm or deny yet.
But Aya-chan is still in a coma. This is the only solid thing. That and the fact that everything above has already started to interfere with my focus on getting Aya better.
…Not that I was exactly making any progress on that without the distractions.
I don't know what to do.
I wish I could ask Aya.
This wouldn't be freaking me out so much if I could just get her opinion on it. She's very level-headed. And insightful. She's the only person whose advice I'd really trust.
She's a bit of a romantic though. I suspect she would have told me to go for it.
…Followed with a wink and a promise to take him off my hands for me if it didn't work out.
I always suspected that Aya would like him.
I think that's why Yohji annoyed me from day one. I immediately saw the potential he held for coming between me and my sister. I just always assumed though that he'd try to take her away from me.
…Not the other way round.
Damn.
This is so fucked up.
Yohji's clothes are scattered all over the floor. He's a mess, in every sense of the word.
That's the last thing I need right now, right?
Aya would argue his case.
…I wouldn't listen to her though…right?
I always listened to her.
Damn.
I kick one of his shirts. It makes me feel better.
I hate his clothes. They're so…undignified. Utterly tasteless. I hate the way they gratuitously show off way more of his body than I was ever interested in looking at and make it almost impossible not to stare.
…The fact that staring is a problem should probably tell me something.
Damn.
I shut my eyes against the uninvited visual that accompanies that train of thought.
…And the even less invited reaction it evokes.
…I think that my body has just joined the ranks of things that I hate.
Traitor.
Fuck, this can't be happening.
I sit down on the nearest bed to try to get my bearings straight.
Yohji's voice in my head snickers at my unfortunate word choice.
…And the fact that I just accidently sat down on his bed.
How's it possible that he's even more annoying when he's not actually here, than when he is!
I'm my own worst enemy and I can't escape him.
And the worst thing is, I'm not even sure that he still wants me caught.
This has so much potential for tragic disaster.
Glaring at my lap does little to resolve my newly developed physical predicament. There are not words to adequately describe how profoundly disturbed I am that this is in any way related to Yohji.
No words.
I guess I need to just bite the bullet and ascertain how bad this really is.
Because I can't deny that the problem has just been upgraded to more severe than him simply `getting to me.'
Big time.
I look around the room as if the mere deviance of my thoughts might have somehow attracted a lurking observer.
I'm alone, obviously.
The doors locked, right?
I get up and check. Then unlock it. Put the `do not disturb' sign on the door knob. Double bolt it.
Not suspicious at all.
When I return I sit back on his bed. As long as I'm already being sketchy, I might as well not hold back.
Cause I am definitely being sketchy.
…I'm about to do the sketchiest thing I've ever done.
No.
In truth, I guess borrowing my invalid sister's name as a shield against bloodshed is probably THE sketchiest thing I've ever done.
…With nearly every single thing I've ever done in Weiss competing as a close second.
Okay, so I guess it only feels like the sketchiest thing I've ever done.
I'm a much sketchier person than I like to admit.
I close my eyes and lay back on Yohji's bed.
I rationalize that this isn't actually Yohji's bed. It's just the hotel's. Yohji's only slept here two nights, and the sheets get changed out every day. It's not `Yohji's bed' at all; it's just some bed that Yohji happened to sleep in.
…Which also happens to smell like him.
I wasn't aware that I knew what he smelled like.
Goddamnit.
I shouldn't be surprised. I'm used to sharing a bathroom with him; it's inevitable that I'd notice that sort of thing. And he's very particular about his hygiene too. On this trip I've just been using whatever products the hotels provide…but Yohji immediately went out and bought duplicates of most of the things he keeps at home: his favorite shampoo, his soap, his…ten or more other products whose purposes I don't quite grasp or understand.
Seriously, from the look of things, you'd think I was traveling with a girl.
…If Yohji were a girl I probably wouldn't be having this problem.
Hell.
I shut my eyes tighter as if that could afford me some sort of protection from my noisy thoughts. It doesn't make my mind shut up, but the lack of outside stimulus does make me more acutely aware of the…state…of…my….
I cringe and reach down.
This isn't something I do very often. I hate it. It feels like a weakness. Up until this point I've always focused on dealing with that weakness as efficiently as possible. I've never allowed myself to think of another person while I touch myself. I think the idea is creepy.
I know that I wouldn't want someone else thinking of me while doing that….
…Unless, maybe….
Oh god, I wonder if Yohji has thought….
…Of course he has.
He's Yohji.
I feel dirty.
…And more turned on.
My sanity is doomed.
I have to back-track. Stop thinking about Yohji; try thinking about someone else. Maybe I'm just simply turned on. The who could be irrelevant. Maybe this has nothing to do with Yohji at all.
I try to block out the persistently permeating eau d'Yohji and focus on visualizing a random actress. There's this one in particular that Yohji never fails to smirk at when she comes on TV.
…Stop that, this thought was supposed to be sans Yohji.
…Anyway, she's really pretty. The magazines call her sexy. I'm sure I'm not the first person to think about her while doing this.
-Although I'm probably the first person to think about her while doing `this' and feel nothing at all. Well, besides uncomfortable.
I don't know her though. I like to think I'm not a superficial person. I bet I need to really know someone in order to be attracted to them. I don't care so much about looks, anyway.
I accidently think of Sakura.
Now that warrants a reaction, although it is the opposite of what I'm looking for. My awkward physical state is almost instantaneously cured. I'm far less compromised than I was a few seconds ago.
She's just way too similar to Aya-chan. I'm completely horrified that my mind even wandered there.
Poor Sakura. I actually wanted to give her a chance. It's not her fault that she reminds me so concretely of my sister.
Not her fault… But there's just no chance in hell. Can't go there.
I distract myself by thinking of a whole haphazard line-up of girls without much results. This is definitely answering a few of my questions.
I switch to guys. I try picturing the random one who works at the tea shop down the street from the flower shop.
…Not so much.
But the clerk from the post office is an entirely different story. I can't really miss the way my breath involuntarily catches as my hand pulls away. How much…tighter everything feels.
Goddamn fucking hell.
Denial's a bitch.
I freeze and open my eyes, staring up at the ceiling for a moment as if it might somehow hold an answer for me. It's blank and unhelpful…. Not even a suspiciously shaped crack.
Screw it.
Time to shove aside this sham of a scientific `experiment.'
My hand goes back to its mechanical movements born of instinct. I re-close my eyes and just focus on the physical sensation to clear my mind.
Then I let it fall on Yohji.
It's too easy to picture Yohji's hands instead of mine. They're so familiar; less burdened by calluses, but the lack is made up for in prolific scarring. Not many people notice this though. They're nearly invisible. Wire scars are hard to detect with the untrained eye.
…I know Yohji's painfully conscious of them though.
…And I sure notice.
…I apparently notice lots of things about Yohji.
…But I'm losing my capacity to articulate them. I'm losing my ability to pretty much do anything but struggle to catch my breath as my body picks up a frantic pace entirely on its own accord.
I did not give permission.
I can't stop.
I come harder than I ever have in my entire life.
I'm still thinking about Yohji when it's over.
Just…fuck.
I'm screwed.
I wipe my hand off on my shirt, careful not to get anything on the bed, in spite of the fact it will all get washed before Yohji returns. I don't want to further encourage this building sense of guilt and horror that's edging in.
Panic.
I don't think I can face him right away.
I don't know if I can face him ever.
No, I can deal with this.
I just need to clear my head, let my hormones settle. I have pretty good self-control; now that I've come to terms with this it shouldn't be so difficult to put a stop to it. Admitting something's supposed to be the most difficult step, right?
I can deal with this.
I'll fix it.
It would sure help if I could somehow see Aya-chan though….
…I'm an idiot.
It suddenly, unexpectedly dawns on me that I've only been thinking of distance in terms of the way I've traveled it. Tokyo feels so far away because we came here by car…. And Yohji didn't even stick to main highways.
But realistically…if I took the Shinkansen…I could be home in less than three hours.
Aya-chan isn't actually far away at all.
I could theoretically see her and be back here in time for dinner.
And Yohji would have no room to complain. Not for all of his solitary `walks.'
I cringe at the thought of the cost for such extravagant measures. It's a ridiculously expensive option. One I wouldn't even consider on a normal day.
This…is not a normal day.
And it's what I need to do. It will give me time to think, I can clear my head. Seeing Aya will put things back in perspective.
I rapidly change my clothes, burying my shirt at the very bottom of our duffle bag. I'll wash it when I get back, Yohji hopefully won't notice. I need to get to the train station.
I at least have the decency of leaving him a note.