Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ To Those About To Die ❯ Chapter 12 Memories ( Chapter 12 )

Chapter Twelve -- Memories

I studied the half-empty bottle in my hand. This night marked the sixth anniversary of Toni's death, and I was well into the process of a good solid drunk for it.

Every year it was the same. I bought an expensive bottle of champagne and locked myself in my room for the night. I did not share my grief with anyone but a ghost.

Unbidden, the memory of three years past came upon me and, against all likelihood, I felt myself smiling.

The only time I had been disturbed during my solitary, wine-soaked vigil was three years ago, when Kiko had barged into my room. I'd forgotten to lock the door, as I sometimes still forget. He'd asked what the occasion was, and before I could say anything had flopped into my chair with that cockeyed grin on his face.

When I told him, the grin had faltered only a moment. Then he'd asked if he could drink with me.

He'd never had champagne before.

I found myself laughing softly at the memory of a stumbling, happy drunk Kiko almost knocking over the table with Toni's glass on it.

Still, I never managed to invite him back to share my vigil, and he has never asked. For a moment I considered going to his room for the night, but it didn't seem right to do so, not on this night.

"Ah, Toni," I murmured as I poured another glass; his glass sat full, untouched. I would drink his last, as always. "What a mess, eh? Here we are, waiting and doing nothing, just in case the renegades return to this part of the universe. Madness, the lot of it."

I leaned back and let the sorrow take me for a moment. I closed my eyes and let the tears wash down my face in a silent rain. My heart still ached for him. No matter how fond I became of Kiko, my soul wept for Toni. It would be so much easier if I could just turn aside from the past and embrace what was so close to me now, but I could no more turn from the past than change the color of my eyes: it could seem as if I had done so, but I would know it for only illusion.

What might our world have been, had Schwarz not turned against our masters? Somehow, I doubted that things would have been much different for myself or Toni. Whether pleased or angered, Esset was a cruel entity, manifest through the dealings of Rosenkreuz and countless broken operatives. No, the kindness that had been Toni would have no place there, no matter the circumstance.

I sighed and finished off my glass, then the bottle.

"Oh, Toni," I whispered, picking up his glass and toasting the darkness. "I try to be a good leader, but the task before us is impossible. Schwarz is too clever. I don't think we can find them, and it's only a matter of time before I am called to task for my failure. As much as I long to see you again, I don't want to die just yet." Feeling that this was an appropriate thing to drink to, I sipped the now-warm champagne.

"And I hope you forgive me for Kiko. I'm lonely. I wasn't meant to be alone." Tears fell into the glass; my hand was starting to shake. "Damn it, Toni! Why did you have to die? I'm not meant to lead, either! I can't do this without you!"

I set the half-full glass back on the table and wept.

I must have dozed, for I found myself waking slowly to the vaguely pleasant sensation of hands caressing my chest. My shirt was open, my pants undone, and someone was touching me with increasing intimacy.

Someone small, with long auburn hair.

I flinched and grabbed her wrists, fury boiling away the drunkenness in a heartbeat.

She gasped, a throaty, excited sound. "Berger! You're awake!"

"What the hell are you doing in my room?" My voice felt tight and strained, as though I were choking on the words.

"I thought you might need some company," she said, not struggling against my harsh grip. "You were drinking alone, so I thought I'd see if..."

"If I was drunk enough to fuck, is that it?" I sat up and forced her back, never releasing her wrists. She wore damn little, but that didn't mean she couldn't have a weapon on her somewhere.

"Berger, we shouldn't be enemies," she purred. "I've done nothing but antagonize you, and that was foolish of me. Please, let me make amends." Unable to use her hands, she pressed her leg against mine.

This couldn't be happening. Of course, I must have forgotten the damn lock again. Stupid, Berger. You know you can't trust her!

"I assure you, I want nothing from you, Mädchen." I tried to keep the murder out of my voice. I think I failed.

"Layla. My name is Layla." She wore what she must have thought was a very sincere expression. "I don't want to be at odds with you anymore, Berger. The team is in danger, if we can't pull together they'll take us apart. Let's find a way to know each other better. That way we can work together, right?"

I swallowed. All I wanted to do was rip her arms out of her shoulders and fling them across the room. Behind that mask of sincerity lay a serpent, looking for my weakness. The team was in danger, all right: from Her.

She let her body go soft, still not resisting my hold on her wrists, but now almost melting into my grasp. "Berger, it's okay if you've never had a woman, I can teach you what to do. Or," she added, eyes sparkling with her own cleverness, "you're an illusionist. I can be a boy for you, if you'd rather. I don't mind taking it that way."

My mind reeled. How could I safely let go of this snake without getting bitten?

Unmindful of my dismay, she sidled even closer as though about to cuddle against my chest. "I could even be Toni for you."

I pushed her off the foot of the bed, hard enough that she staggered back against the door. "Get. Out." Without thinking about it, I pulled my gun - Toni's gun - out from my mattress and stood, training it on her as I unlatched the safety.

"Freak," she hissed, "you damn, degenerate freak! All right, you play your own games, wait and see who gets through this and who's worm food!"

My finger tightened on the trigger.

She yanked the door open and stormed out, slamming the door behind her. I strode over and locked it, swearing to myself that I would never again neglect to do so, even for Kiko. Then I sank to the floor, gun still in hand, safety still off.

I stared at the muzzle, the blue-steel sheen that hid death. So easy, I thought. It would be so easy, right now, tonight...

"Berger? Hey, Berger? You all right in there?"

I lowered the gun and switched on the safety. Fresh tears flowed down my cheeks. "I'm all right, Kiko. Get some sleep."

"Do you want company?" he asked.

"No, Kiko. Not right now. I'll see you in the morning."

I knew he didn't believe that I was, in fact, all right, but he withdrew from my door. "Well, good night, Berger."

Sluggish and shaking, I pulled off my clothes and tossed them into the dirty laundry pile. I wanted a shower, but I was nowhere near steady enough for one. Discarding the clothes she had touched would have to do.

Feeling soiled and violated, I reached for the glass with a sip of champagne left in it. At least she hadn't set lip to his glass. That would be beyond betrayal, to me. "No one will take your place, Toni. No one. And especially not like that."

The bottle empty, the glasses drained, I crawled back into my bed, alone...

...to dreams of Schwarz.