X/1999 Fan Fiction / Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Living For You ❯ Epiphany ( Chapter 6 )

Disclaimer: The wonderful characters in this story belong to CLAMP. Hopefully this story inspires people to buy and read more about them.

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Chapter 6 Epiphany.

There was a large garden off by the side of the wing of the Imonoyama mansion where Kamui and the Seals lived. And it was there that Kamui spotted Subaru the next morning. He was sitting in a gazebo near the shade of large tree. Though it was late spring, the morning temperature was summer warm, and a gentle breeze carried with it the faint fragrance of flowers. Kamui had always liked this spot. It was close to the edge of the compound and far enough that few gardeners came by, perhaps only once in a while to sweep away the leaf litter. It was natural and wild, and suited the mood of a person who wanted to be alone.

When Kamui approached, Subaru looked up. Kamui was struck by his eyes, brilliant green though they looked lost and frightened. Something within Kamui tightened and a desperate desire swept through him to take that look away. It was ironic he didn't realise that a similar look could be seen all too often in his own eyes.

"May I?" Kamui asked tentatively.

Subaru waved carelessly at the seat beside him. He couldn't quite look at Kamui as he settled himself beside him. Both of them were swathed in bandages from the cuts and hurts that the Sakurazukamori had inflicted. Both were dressed in the traditional style, yukata robes that were functional and comfortable.

Kamui sat for a while, enjoying the slight breeze playing with his hair as it fell carelessly over his lavender eyes. He felt particularly helpless as he considered how to comfort his friend. Finally, he ventured a question, "You know you're not really Hokuto, do you?"

"Yes." The quiet reply was strained. After a moment, Subaru continued, "I just didn't want to let her go. I always felt Subaru didn't deserve to live. Hokuto went to the Sakurazukamori in my place, to stop him from killing me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I wish it was me Seishirou-san had killed under that tree!"

Kamui turned to Subaru in agitation. "We can't help it when others sacrifice themselves for us. I've never stopped feeling guilty that Kotori died so that her wish for me to live could stop Fuuma from killing me." He paused at the painful memory. Then he said determinedly, "Subaru, YOU deserve to live. You've been my friend. You've been there for me when I needed you most. And it was not Hokuto doing her duty as a Dragon of Heaven, it was you. You cared. I don't care if you're calling yourself Hokuto or Subaru, I just want you to know, you're my friend."

Subaru looked up, startled by Kamui's outburst. His eyes widened and he slowly reached over to take Kamui's hand, threading his fingers through Kamui's. The warmth of the touch was reassuring. Slowly he turned it over to stare consideringly at the scar from the Shinken. Then he looked at the back of his own hand, where the mark of the Sakurazukamori lay etched. "We're a matched pair, marked forever by fate," he thought.

"Thank you," Subaru said in a small voice. "I've always felt so alone, until I met you."

As if Subaru holding his hand was giving him strength, Kamui plunged ahead recklessly. "I've always felt alone too, but I think... I think, we can not be alone together."

For the first time that morning, Subaru smiled. His jewel green eyes met Kamui's and there was gladness in them. It was a sight that made Kamui catch his breath. "I will remember this forever, no matter what happens," he promised himself.

"I think Hokuto would want you to really live, just as I know Kotori would want me to live." Kamui said with conviction.

Subaru sighed, "In my head I know this. I know she wouldn't like me to be all sad and mixed up trying to act like her. But it's one thing to know in my head, it's another to let it go in my heart. I haven't been able to let go for so very very long. She was my twin, someone as close to me as I am to myself."

Kamui laughed bitterly. "I know it's hard to let go. Look at me, everyone keeps telling me to let Fuuma go and in my head I know they're right. Everyone wants me to be ready to fight him on the Promised Day. But even so, you know my wish is for him to come back and for everything to be as it was. You're the only one who has never told me to let go of that wish. I don't think it is selfish. We both just want to be free of destiny."

"Life hasn't been fair to either of us. Do you wish you had chosen differently?"

Kamui shook his head, "No because then I wouldn't have met you." He paused and leaned closer to Subaru. "Will you let me help you be Subaru? And in turn will you help me find a way to accept that I might not be able to make everything go back to the way it was?"

Subaru looked at Kamui for a long moment. Then he nodded, shyly.

Kamui smiled. Then a strange thought struck him. "I don't even know what to call you now," Kamui blurted out before he could stop himself.

Subaru smiled back. "I suppose I shall have to get used to being Subaru again. But I don't even know where Hokuto ends and Subaru begins. I've been Hokuto for so long..." His voice wavered. "Subaru hasn't lived since he was 16. What am I going to do?" he asked himself wonderingly.

"I suppose you begin today and take it one day at a time." Kamui was astonished at how wise he sounded. "But I suppose it will take the others some time to get used to it."

Subaru smiled, "Sorata was certainly shocked. And I'm not surprised if Yuzuriha didn't sprain her eyelids from the way her eyes were bugging out when she came by last night. I know they must all think I'm mad."

"No, you're not mad. Or at least you're functionally insane, so it doesn't matter. The others will just have to get used to it."

"I think they will be alright. It doesn't matter all that much to me what they think. I'm only glad you haven't rejected me." Subaru said hesitantly.

"No, never that!" Kamui exclaimed.

Subaru's gratitude shone in his eyes. After a short pause he continued, "I think I'd like to get my hair cut. And Ayame will be glad to furnish me with a new wardrobe. But I'm going to keep my job. I think I've grown rather fond of designing clothes. I like to think I have better style sense that Hokuto ever had."

"So Ayame-san knew, huh?"

"Yes, we know each other's secrets," Subaru said wryly. Then not wanting Kamui to get the wrong impression, he added quickly, "Ayame is a good friend. He understood my heart was with Seishirou-san."

"How can you still love him after all he's put you through?" Kamui was outraged.

"I don't know, it's not like one can command the heart. Often people love and want things which are bad for them. That's why there are drug addicts and such." Subaru pointed out.

"Well this is an addiction that can get you killed just as easily," grumbled Kamui.

Subaru thought for a bit then shook his head. "I don't think he really intended to kill me yesterday."

"Excuse me, but I sure got the impression he was trying to do just that! I thought he did succeed when your Kekkai fell... My heart almost stopped." Kamui stopped when he realised just what he'd been about to reveal.

Subaru appeared not to have noticed. "No, I think he wanted to talk, to Subaru and not to Hokuto. He was trying to shock me out of being Hokuto. But I was being stubborn. I think that's why he put so much force into the fight."

"I don't know if you're right or not, but I want you to promise me something, please?" Kamui was afraid he was begging.

Subaru looked at him quizzically.

"Please, please... don't get into any more fights with him without being serious about defending yourself. I don't know if I can face Fuuma without you." In his heart, Kamui wondered if Subaru could be able make such a promise to him.

Subaru looked at him sadly, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "I don't know if I can promise you that, Kamui. I know I will have to face Seishirou-san again. Fate has decreed it." Then Subaru reached up a hand to hold the side of Kamui's face, "But if there's anything that will convince me to stay alive, it'll be you."

Kamui leaned into the caress. "Aren't we a sorry lot. It never amazes me that we're supposed to be the ones to save humanity."

Subaru sobered, and said heatedly "It doesn't amaze me that YOU can save humanity."

Kamui was astonished at the rush of gratitude he felt. Impulsively he leaned towards Subaru and flung his arms around him. He was further gratified when Subaru didn't pull away. Instead Subaru relaxed and let himself be held.

"Thank you, Kamui."

"Why are you thanking me? I don't deserve to be thanked by anyone." Kamui was sobbing into Subaru's shoulder. "I'm so afraid."

"Shhh," Subaru said, gently stroking Kamui's back. "I'm scared too. I'm thanking you for being here. I'm thankful that when you're with me, I don't feel as scared."

The two friends sat next to each other, Kamui's head on Subaru's shoulder, hands clasped, for a long long time.

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Notes: Well major angst this chapter. Oddly enough, this chapter was the one that triggered my idea for this fic. I hope I got the theme of friendship between these two suffering bishounen down properly. Well this is as good a spot to stop this story as any. Thanks to all readers. I hope you enjoyed this story. And thanks to everyone who did review and encouraged me, this story will continue. Since it is rather AU, the story could conceivably continue for quite some time. I still have lots of thoughts about the unresolved relationship between Subaru and Seishirou. Then Kamui's feelings for Fuuma could throw a kink in his growing friendship with Subaru. And Kakyou, poor Kakyou whom I think desperately needs saving, he hasn't had a chance to show up yet. Plus Ayame will get a chance to be a hero as well.

Coming up... Subaru settles back into being himself with the help of Kamui and the relationship between these two grows deeper.