X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Finding Myself Here ❯ One-Shot

Finding Myself Here

How did I find myself here? Here, at Seishirou's apartment. Why here? I had been aimlessly wandering, and I wound up here? I'm disgusted at myself. I had unconsciously brought myself to a place where HE was.

A sudden hand on my shoulder startles me. I turn around to see him. Damn it. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed him come up behind me.

"Surprised to see me, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asks, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses. "No, I think not. This is my apartment."

I say nothing. Yes, I am surprised, but not by his presence. I'm surprised by my stupidity of dropping my guard. Of course, I don't tell him this…

"Any particular reason why you're here, Subaru-kun?"

I slowly shake my head, not once taking my eyes off him. I hate him. He took everything from me. He killed my sister. And, in a way, killed me as well.

Though I hate him, I often find myself loving him. As I had nine years ago, when I was a young and naive teenager. I bet that sounds stupid. Loving the man who killed my sister, after breaking my heart.

"This has to be more than coincidence," Seishirou says after considerable silence.

"Perhaps it is, perhaps it isn't," I tell him.

"Ah, finally my Subaru-kun speaks."

"I'm not yours."

The older man puts a hand to my face. I flinch away, like I always do. He chuckles darkly, like he always does. But he doesn't move his hand away. So, instead, I move away. But he grabs my wrist, keeping me from going far.

"What's the hurry, Subaru-kun?"

"Let me go," I tell him calmly.

"Not this time," he said, forcing his lips upon mine.

I struggle, but he holds me fast. His kiss was warm and long. Why do I let him do this to me? Even after everything he has done, every time he kisses me I give in to him. I mentally damn myself for this.

Finally, our lips part and I am allowed to breathe. I catch my breath and raise a fist to punch him square in the jaw. He blocks it and grabs me again. Deep down, I admit that being this close to him makes my heartbeat accelerate. Not that I'd mention it out loud, but I want him.

For some reason, I think he knows that I want him, even now. Seishirou knows that I loved him once, and I think he suspects that my hatred for him is only so deep. Sure, he did kill my sister, and that angers me, but I still can't ignore the fact that seeing him still makes my heart skip a beat.

"What are you thinking right now, Subaru-kun?" Seishirou asks me.

If only he knew. Then again, he'd probably just play games with my mind. He sees me only as an object. That's what he has told me. To him, I am no more than an object; something he could break without a second thought.

I remain silent, not wanting to stay with him. Okay, I lie. I want to be with him, I just don't want him to know this. If he knew, he would be screwing with my mind.

"I know you came here for some reason, Subaru-kun. Stop trying to hide it. It's written all over your face." He pauses. "Unless you're ready for me to kill you."

"Seishirou-san..."

He looks at me. I can't read his expression. Damn those sunglasses. Why must he wear those all the time? Sure, they make him more mysterious, making me want him even more than I did before. But, if he's ready to kill me, I'm ready to die.

"Do you have a last request to make of me?"

I do.

"I want..." I begin to say. "I want, for one last time, to have what we did. I want to think that you love me."

Okay, that went against my oath not to let him know that I love him. Not that it matters. After he fulfills my request, if he even does, he'll just kill me. I close my eyes. I don't think he's going to honor my request. He'll probably just throw it back in my face and get it over with. Tears well up in my eyes. I try not to let them fall, but a single one escapes my lashes.

It rolls down my pale cheek, until it collides with Seishirou's hand. He pulls it back. I figure he's pulling his arm back, poised and ready to strike my heart.

But nothing ever strikes my heart. Instead, I feel his lips brush against my cheek, sweeping that single tear away. His lips leave my cheek and I open my eyes to see him smiling, those cursed sunglasses cast aside so that I see his eyes. His honey brown eye is full of emotion (as false or true as it may be), and his white glass eye is empty. That one white eye reminds me of the day he protected me.

Seishirou had lost that eye saving my life. I always feel guilty for that, even though he had told me that I was far from being at fault.

Seishirou opens the door to his apartment and leads me in. My gaze is fixated on his face, so I don't notice where he's leading me.

"I always did love you, Subaru-kun," he says. "I only said that to save you from a later heartbreak when we had this to do. We would have wound up fighting each other."

"Seishirou-san?" I ask, not believing.

"Shhh..."

He kisses me again, pulling my long white coat from my shoulders. I melt into that kiss. Moments later, we pull apart for air.

"I told you that you lost the bet," Seishirou tells me, as he pulls my shirt off, then pushes me slowly to his bed. "But I lied. You won, and I was too proud to admit it."

I could only stare in awe at him. I had won? All this time I had thought that I had lost. Damn him.

"You're a bastard, Seishirou-san," I tell him as he pulls my head back to reach my slender neck.

"Am I?" he asks, just before kissing my neck.

A tingling sensation jolts through me as Seishirou continues kissing me down to the collarbone and back up again. I let out a short, pleasured gasp as I feel his teeth nip my throat. I slide my arms around his waist, pulling him closer

A few moments later, he pulls away and takes his trench coat and suit jacket off. I want to tell him to take that shirt of his off as well, but the very though of seeing his bare chest has me blushing wildly. I try to force the blush down before he has the chance to see it.

"You're blushing, Subaru-kun," he chuckles.

Damn it.

Leaning forward and pushing me further into the mattress, so that I am nearly on my back, Seishirou fumbles with my pants, trying to unbutton them while nibbling on my earlobe. All the while, my trembling fingers are struggling to unbutton his shirt, while I moan in pleasure of Seishirou's treatment.

"Sei-Seishirou-san!" I gasp as he slides his hands down my pants, trying to pull them off.

I can feel my face warm as I blush deeply. Seishirou takes one hand and pulls me up, just enough to pull my pants down. Concentrating on just being with Seishirou, I toe my boots off so that my lover can successfully remove my pants.

Oh, gods! I never thought that Seishirou and I would wind up like this. He's running his fingers along the elastic of my boxers. I let out a small squeak and he laughs… Why the hell is he still clothed?!

I finally manage to pull his shirt off. I can't help staring at his chest. I know that I'm blushing again. Forcing it down, I play with the button of Seishirou's pants. I'm doing a rather pathetic job of this.

"My Subaru-kun learns the game quickly," Seishirou smiles, placing his hands over mine and helping me along.

Finally, we manage to get his pants off. Now we are even. We lay there in nothing but our boxers. I begin playing with the elastic of his boxers, as he had with mine, but stop suddenly when he laps at my nipple. Oh, gods! I didn't realize that this felt so good! A moan escapes my lips, then a gasp comes as he bites at my nipple.

"Sei-shi-rou-san," I moan, letting each syllable out at a time.

Seishirou continues on with the torment he's giving me. Oh, get on with it! I want him so! I struggle to pull his boxers off.

"Having fun, Subaru-kun?" he asks as I finally slip the now unnecessary boxers off and throw them to the floor.

"You're...such...a bastard," I manage to force out as he runs his finger along the inside of my leg.

Seishirou chuckles, then kisses my lips softly. Well, at least he tries. I hungrily capture him in a deep kiss, throwing my arms around him and pulling him closer. He seems surprised at my actions at first, but then he kisses back, sliding his tongue into my mouth.

Our tongues spar for a moment, then I surrender, letting his tongue explore. I'm so absorbed in the kiss that I don't notice when he slips my boxers off. It's only when he takes my erection in his grasp that I notice, breaking the kiss off with a gasp.

"S-Sei-Seishirou-san!" I stammer, blushing wildly.

I moan as he squeezes. He goes into a rhythm. It feels so good! The pleasure rushes over me in a wave. I grip the bed sheets.

Seishirou stops. I try to catch my breath. Why did he stop? I can only wonder what my lover is up to. I prop myself up to look at him. He's reaching into the drawer of the bedside table. He pulls out a bottle of lube.

He pours a bit of the oil on his fingers then kisses me, pushing me back down. When he releases me from his kiss, short cry escapes me as a sharp pain jolts through me. What is he doing to me?

"It will hurt for a bit," Seishirou tells me, licking away a tear that escapes my eye. "But it will get better"

He slips another finger into me. I close my eyes and wince as the pain comes in a wave, then disappears just as fast as it came. Another finger; another wave of pain. I bite my lip to keep from crying out.

After a couple moments, Seishirou removes his fingers slowly. I open my eyes. He looks at me.

"Are you ready for this?" he asks me.

I bite my lip and nod. I brace myself for the upcoming invasion. I run my hand up his back.

"If you're sure..."

"Seishirou-san!" I say. "Just do it already!"

"Impatient, are we?" he smirks.

I glare at him and he laughs. Finally, he enters into me. I cry out in pain and dig my nails into his back.

"Seishirou-san!" I gasp.

He pulls out, then thrusts back into me. I cry out again, moving my hands from his back to the bed, entangling my fingers into the sheets. More and more, he pulls out and thrusts in. I can hardly think, I'm in such ecstasy.

Seishirou and I are in a world of passion. And I don't think that either one of us wants it to end.

Finally, after what seems like hours, it's over. Seishirou pulls out one last time, and falls onto the bed next to me. His breath is warm and heavy on my face. I am so out of breath, myself. I snuggle closer to my lover and close my eyes.

"What did you think?" Seishirou asks me.

"Mmm," is the only thing I can say.

He chuckles and kisses me.

"Oyasumi, Subaru-kun."

~Owari~