X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Kamui's introspection ❯ Kamui's Introspection ( One-Shot )

Kamui's Introspection

AN: Um, yeah... ya see, I've been reading fanfiction for a good long time and I've been amazed to see how many people favor Kamui/Subaru, Kamui/Fuuma (Or is it Fuuma/Kamui?) and the occasional, but by far best, Kamui/Keiichi. However, in the manga, movie, and anime, it's quite clear that our little savior of the world had romantic feelings for Kotori. So, this is Kamui pondering all of his relationships (using the movie, mostly, but also some of the manga) and wondering what it means about him.

Read Dis Claimer: I don't own X, X/1999, or any of the lovely bishies who go with it. I also don't own Comedy Sportz (where Dis Claimer comes from) but I'm friends with the kid who's father owns it... and I'm on the team. Anyhoo, no lawsuits, please.

AAN: Sorry for the confusion, but there is Kamui/Everyone-who-I-can-even-think-might-be-in-a-romance-with-him in this fic. Very, very mild and light in some cases, but still there.

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The sun was setting on yet another day in Tokyo. The light reflected off of the windows and steel of the skyscrapers and tall office buildings. Kamui sighed. He knew, somewhere in the back of his head, that Aoki-san was leaving one of those buildings and going back home to his family. In yet another building, Kasumi-san was finishing up her work (though the thought of the sweet, innocent-in-appearance Karen working as a prostitute made Kamui's head hurt-it just didn't click) Somewhere out there, Kamui was quite certain the building where his mother had worked at before they left Tokyo was still standing.

Kamui sighed, yet again, futzing with the hem of the hospital bed's sheets. Just another day and then he'd be released from the hospital. It was so late in the day that he may as well just turn in for the night and go to sleep. Sorata and Arashi had come in with a sugar-high-mode Yuzuriha to try and cheer him up (Yuzuriha with numerous chocolates, candies, and a playful Inuki- which had helped, though Kamui'd never admit it- Sorata with his usual horrible jokes, and Arashi with a few wise words about how there is always hope), he'd long since shooed away Subaru, seeing as the onmyoujii had spent all day watching over him, Keiichi, ever cheerful without being freakishly so, had brought him his homework and helped him with the classes he'd missed all week, and Kamui was now quite alone, and quite lonely.

Fuuma really HAD handed Kamui's ass to him. Kamui's dominant hand and arm had practically been ripped from his body, Kamui could still feel the lump on the back of his head where his skull had cracked from being rammed up against a concrete wall, and he was quite certain that once the doctors let him off the morphine that was neutralizing the warfare on his stomach, he would have the bitchiest stomachache in the history of mankind, courtesy of the metal pipe that had been shoved through him.

Tears started to slide out of the orange eyes and down Kamui's pale cheeks. Fuuma really was gone, but Kamui still had trouble accepting it. It was almost like saying goodbye to his friend, and if there was one thing Kamui had learned to hate, it was saying goodbye.

But it wasn't just the fact that Fuuma wasn't being himself... it was some of the things Fuuma had said to Kamui. Some of them had made him feel dirty, others had made him feel worthless, and still others made Kamui feel as though he had been dropped when he was little... as though there was something wrong with his head, with the way his body worked... something like that.

"Such a waste... like a little insect, scurrying over the ground, thinking that it will actually achieve something. It's been predetermined for mankind to perish, so why do you persist on trying to defeat me? Are you just trying to disprove your own weakness?"

Kamui shivered at the memory of those harsh words coming from his old friends lips. It was just like when he had been little how the older kids had always teased him and picked on him, but he'd never been able to fight back. Back then, it was because his mother would have scolded him for it or because teachers at school would have called his mother or something of the sort. But he was old enough now to know when it was acceptable to fight back, so it wasn't a matter of being punished... it was a matter of if he had enough spine to actually harm Fuuma.

Obviously, he didn't.

"Why don't you fight back? There's no one here that will get hurt if you let loose your powers on me, no one here to care if I die, and no power shield that will collapse. Is it just you're not strong enough that your powers wouldn't kill me? Or are you just too afraid of having to live without either your precious Fuuma or Kotori?"

Kotori...

Kotori's body... dead body... in his arms... Fuuma pulling the second sword from her... Kotori's blood all over the floor... staining her white dress... splattered in her hair...

Kamui would have curled up into a ball and started crying, but he lacked the energy to curl up. He settled for turning away from the window and hugging himself, sobs wracking his still injured body.

He couldn't protect her. Maybe he WAS weak.

~I can't give up. Despite everyone telling me I'm insane, I can't give up.~

Those had been the very words Subaru had given him, while reaching into his heart to pull him out. Kamui found it... not ironic, necessarily, but... cliché, perhaps, that the same person who had saved him from being trapped inside his own soul was now so willing to be his protector, to fill the gap that Fuuma had left.

But was that all?

~Since he is the one... special to you?~

At first, Kamui believed that, indeed, Fuuma was special to him, but now, he realized that Subaru had meant those words in a different sense. And yet...

Yet... it still held true.

Kamui really HAD loved his friend... both of them, Kotori and Fuuma both had been important to him in a way that not even siblings could have been... But that was almost sick...

"Why is it that you feel you need to destroy me? Because you want your friend back, or because you want to avenge the girl? Because you loved them both? Why do you feel the need to not have just one, but both? Are you just that selfish?"

That was just it. He had been IN love with both Kotori and Fuuma... obviously, or else he wouldn't be in this predicament. But it wasn't because he was selfish. It was because they had both been something different- Kotori gentle, loving, and willing to help one heal, Fuuma kind, sensible, and willing to keep one safe- and Kamui had always needed both.

What about Subaru, though? He was both comforting and protective, the two aspects Kamui needed most. And Kamui definitely was grateful; at bare minimum, constructing a friendship; as far as Subaru went. But was he important to him as Kotori and Fuuma were? The blush rose in Kamui's cheeks for even CONSIDERING a romance with the Sumeragi head.

It was probably plausible enough. Kamui knew that Subaru enjoyed having a conversation with Kamui, even if it was during tutoring sessions when Keiichi was nowhere to be found, or over a cup of tea. But why did Subaru come diving into his heart to pull him out, even though the onmyoujii had suffered for it? Pity? Nah, Subaru- the one person in Tokyo who would have spat the word out like a slug in his mouth- just wasn't the type to pity people, particularly when he didn't like being pitied himself. Sympathy? That wasn't quite pity, because it was also the ability to relate with a similar experience, to that could be it... But then why did the sight of those liquid green eyes never fail to put a smile on Kamui's face? Why did even the slightest of laughs from that elegant voice make Kamui's insides melt?

Kamui felt his cheeks grow hotter. Glancing at the clock on the hospital wall and noting that it was sometime past 9:30, Kamui knew it meant another night of insomnia for him. He never fell asleep once he got started thinking about something as big as this.

So, while he was thinking about romance, where did Keiichi fit in with this whole mess? It was quite obvious the senior student at least had a crush on him. That was probably it, but only because they'd known each other for only a few months now. Kamui was certain that if he gave their relationship time, Keiichi may very well be head-over-heels for him by the time all was said and done. Kamui couldn't help but smile. Despite the fact that Keiichi was just a friend- a study buddy to be precise- there was no denying the warm feeling he got in the pit of his stomach whenever Keiichi would do something like ask him out to lunch, ruffle his hair, compliment his eyes, or any of the other subtle signs that Keiichi wished for Kamui's safety.

*Ne, Shirou-kun, you're pretty, too!*

*SHIROU-KUN! IT'S LUNCHTIME!*

*Really, Shirou-kun, you need to eat more!*

Maybe Keiichi was a brother, in a sense.

Not to sell Sorata short, there. Despite Sora's obvious, almost skirt-chaser, interest in Arashi-san, he also sacrificed a part of his heart for each of the other Dragons of the Heaven, including Kamui. But Sorata was also irritating, at times, maybe even obnoxious, but he meant well. Maybe Keiichi was the older brother in Kamui's life whereas Sorata was a little brother. Yeah, that was it.

Kamui stared over at the clock again. 9:55. And he hadn't even scratched the surface of the complex relationships he had in life. Kamui's eyelids began to droop. He needed something to keep him awake. The hospital didn't allow coffee, or even tea or hot chocolate and the food that they did serve tasted like utter ass. Kamui spotted a box of pocky and a bar of white chocolate on the table next to his bed. Yuzuriha must've left them before she, Sorata, and Arashi had been shooed out of the hospital because visiting hours were over.

Sugar. He needed sugar in his system. Hesitantly, Kamui reached over to pull a single slim stick out of the pocky box and nibbled on it before crushing the whole pretzel-like stick in his mouth.

Not a minute too soon, just as the clock read 10:00, a nurse with long black hair, and cloudy gray eyes bustled into the room.

"Well, Shirou-kun, I can see YOU'RE not going to get any sleep soon. You really shouldn't stay up so late- maybe because you're sleep deprived you keep getting into these messes." The nurse said, bringing with her a bag that looked very similar to the bag of morphine he was hooked up to. More painkillers? Or sleeping medicine?

"Um... what're those?" Kamui asked, still feeling drugged and dopey.

"Painkillers, but they're less strong than the morphine we've got you on. We're switching them so that when you leave tomorrow, any stomach pains won't be too much of a shock, and besides, the morphine is probably what's affecting your sleeping patterns. Less severe painkillers should make it easier for you to fall asleep." She said, in a no-nonsense kind of voice. She had the aire of a well-experienced mother and a knowledgeable doctor graduate. Kamui caught a glance of her nametag.

Dr. Aoki, L.

"Do you know Aoki Seiichirou-san?" Kamui asked. The doctor smiled.

"Oh! So you know my husband?" The nurse replied, pulling the needle out of Kamui's arm. Kamui bit his lip and nodded, trying to ignore the painful poke as the first needle was replaced with another connecting him to the other painkillers. Well, peachy...

"We've... met..." Kamui said, lightly ending the subject, which was perfectly timed as Dr. Aoki bustled out, turning the light switch off as she went. Kamui's orange eyes mellowed to more of a reddish-brown color as he watched the nurse leave and as he stared back up at the machine administering the drugs keeping him from being curled up in pain. Not as strong as morphine, huh? Well, dandy, now he'd have insomnia and his stomach would hurt.

Life sure was a bitch, sometimes.

"A royal bitch weasel." Kamui muttered to himself in the dark.

Anyway, where was he? Oh, yeah- thinking about how everyone he knew fit into his life. His train of thought had ended... with... Keiichi, was it? No, Sorata as a little brother, THEN Keiichi as an older brother! Yeah!

Kamui reached back over to the box of pocky Yuzuriha had left. Exactly why the nurse didn't take it when she left, Kamui had no clue. Maybe she thought it had just been a gift from a visitor and that Kamui wouldn't eat any of it yet. He was going to need a stick for every ten minutes given how his brain was processing things.

Come to think of it, why did Yuzuriha always seem to like hanging around with him? She was always so perky and chipper, and it didn't make sense why someone like that would want to hang out with someone as cranky and sullen as he was all the time. Well, sure, Keiichi was perky and chipper, too, but Yuzuriha was the kind of in-your-face-at-some-ungodly-hour-of-the-morning-cheerful and despite Kamui being an early riser, people like that still annoyed the shit out of him.

However, despite the fact that she was sometimes irritating, just as Subaru was sometimes irritable, she was also funny, dedicated, caring, and damn, she knew how to cheer people up. She was a good friend. If they'd met under different circumstances, Kamui was quite certain they'd have a friendship just one step down from being boyfriend and girlfriend. Kamui just LIKED Yuzuriha and that's all there was to it. Honestly, Kamui would kill to see the person who didn't like Yuzuriha... not including any of the Dragons of the Earth, and even then, she wasn't exactly hated among them.

Arashi was pretty. That was all Kamui had to say for her, and indeed, she did have guys drooling over her like white on rice, but she really didn't appreciate it. Maybe she was just a fellow suffering-bishie. Kamui had seen plenty of girls and even a few guys gawking at HIM, so he and Arashi could empathize with each other what it was like to have all that unwanted attention just because you had a pretty face. Kamui noted that he needed another pocky. It was almost like Subaru and his cigarettes.

Kamui thought back over all of the relationships he'd covered. Surprisingly, none of them had any kind of sexual intents or possibilities. Subaru was way too old for him, Keiichi (and not to mention Kamui himself) were under the legal age limit, Sorata was straight, Arashi was a maiden of the Ise shrine and thus would probably be forbidden from even seeing a movie with a sexual theme, Yuzuriha didn't even know what the word 'sex' meant... So why did he still feel like Fuuma was correct when he accused Kamui of being a dirty little slut (Or whore- it had been interchangeable lately)

Maybe it was just the fact that everyone was always hanging off of him like leaves on a tree. Or staring at him if they weren't hanging off of him. Or it could be what Fuuma was DOING while telling him these things. Kamui remembered all too well the feeling of Fuuma's tongue licking the blood off of Kamui's throat while he had been pinned up to a wall with shards of glass through his arms and hands. It was still enough to make him shudder. Kamui finished his third pocky and reached back for a fourth, fifth, and sixth all at once.

His life was fucked up. That was for damn sure.

But at least he wasn't fucked up alone. He was grateful to everyone for that.

**** The Next Day ****

"Ne, Shirou-kun, I've come to pick you up. Sumeragi-san asked me to, now c'mon! Get up, out of bed, c'monc'monc'mon!" Kamui opened one burgundy eye to be greeted with a mop of blond hair and a pair of chocolate brown eyes. Ah, yes... Keiichi...

"Seg...wa... kun?" Kamui muttered, still drowsy.

"Hai, it's me! Now, are you coming or not, because there's this really neat restaurant with a great breakfast menu that I've been wanting to take you to, but we need to get there before 10:30 because they don't serve breakfast after that, so come on! Get up!" Keiichi replied, still bouncing, still grinning, and tugging on Kamui's hand to try and drag him out of bed if he deemed it necessary.

"Okay! I'm getting up." Kamui groaned, kicking back the blankets and trying, vainly, to stand without wobbling.

"Need a hand getting dressed? I can help you out if you want!" Keiichi offered, still grinning that insane grin that made Kamui's cheeks hurt just looking at it. Kamui nodded, mutely, while Keiichi bounced over with a duffel bag with fresh clothes in it.

It made Kamui blush to have Keiichi doting over him like this.

~Owari~

Endnote: Kamui's eyes- I have never seen them as lilac or violet in the movie or anime. They actually seemed to change color to me. Did anyone catch that?

Subaru's quotes- I don't know if those are the exact words, but it seemed like something Subaru would say.

Yes, I know Kamui was a little OOC in some parts. Wah, and I did so well in the beginning, too.

Could someone send me a good picture of Keiichi? I only know he has blond hair and brown eyes. And if you guys want a lemony Kamchi sequel to this, just tell me in the reviews.

I've got another story up here. Under non-anime, titled 'The Headband.' Please go read it. Feed the poor, starving author.