X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Moving On ❯ One-Shot

Summary: In the aftermath of the Promised Day, Subaru and Kamui have a conversation about life and love. Dark and angsty, be warned.

Disclaimer: The people featured in this story were originally thought up by Clamp. All copyright belongs to them. The story idea though is mine and I hope they don't mind this adaptation of their characters.

Rating: PG for a very little bit of shounen-ai

Category: X/1999

Spoilers: XTV anime and bits and pieces of the manga up till the September Asuka. Hmmm, hard to warn about the spoilers without spoiling the story.

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"I didn't expect to find you here," Kamui said, raising his violent eyes to study the approaching figure through the shadows of the early twilight.

"It's been a while, hasn't it," Subaru answered as he smiled a small half-smile at his former leader.

Kamui noted Subaru was dressed in his dark overcoat, a blatant gesture that he had wholly and fully accepted his role as the Sakurazukamori. He looked well, though his fair skin stood out starkly against his dark clothes. At least he was no longer smoking. "I miss you, all the time." Kamui confessed.

Subaru took a deep breath as if bracing himself. "I'm sorry," he said. "I never meant for you to be hurt."

"Did you even care for me?" Kamui looked away, afraid of what he might see in Subaru's eyes.

"Of course I did. Ever since I went Within into your heart, I have cared for you. How could I not? Your friendship has been one of the most precious things I have ever been gifted with." Subaru reached out and clasped a hand on Kamui's shoulder.

"And yet you left me." Kamui finished for him bitterly.

Subaru sighed. "I couldn't help it. Destiny maneuvered events so that I couldn't stay with you."

"Did you know you were all I could think about? All those last few months leading to the day when I knew I would have to confront Fuuma. It was my only hope." Kamui said hotly.

"Hope?"

"Yes, I hoped that when all this was over, I would find you at my side again. It was all I had to sustain me. Look how well that turned out." Kamui waved a vague hand about him.

Subaru looked. Indeed this location could be the sum of Kamui's dreams. Nothing much was left of Tokyo Tower except for a large pile of debris. Slag and concrete rubble lay every which way, threathening untold hazards for anyone walking about the area. Neither of them ought to be here. Yet here they were.

"I'm sorry," Subaru said again. He drew Kamui closer to him, in an attempt to give what comfort he could. "All I wanted for you was for you to be happy. That's why I told you to hang on to your Wish, to bring Fuuma back."

"Well, my Wish changed. But you never knew. And now it's too late." Tears threathened to spill from Kamui's violet eyes. He was finding it harder and harder to look at Subaru.

"I wish there was some way I could make it up to you. Life wasn't fair to you at all. But it was impossible for me to stay then. I couldn't stay." Subaru's voice broke as he begged Kamui to understand.

Ironically, in his heart, Kamui did. Life, which had demanded so much from him, now demanded yet another sacrifice. And Kamui, being Kamui, gave his forgiveness willingly. He loved Subaru too much for him to be unhappy.

"Are you happy now?" He asked tentatively.

Subaru tilted his head as he considered. With yet another of his half-smiles, he answered, "I suppose I am. I'm lucky to have found someone who could accept and understand everything about me and still want to be with me. He has been very good to me."

Kamui's heart felt as if it would burst at that answer. But he managed to force out a congratulation. "I'm glad you're being treated well. You deserve it."

Subaru tried to explain further. He didn't want to give Kamui the idea that he was fickle. "When Seishirou-san died, all I could think about was that my wish would never be fulfilled."

"Wish? You mean your wish to die at his hands?"

Subaru nodded. "Yes. Instead I found myself with his wish thrust into my hands. Oh how I hated him then. I loved him and I hated him. Weird isn't it?" Subaru paused, trying to sort his feelings out in order. "But then I gradually accepted it, his wish for me to continue to live."

"He loved you after all." Kamui concluded. He had never quite known whether the former Sakurazukamori loved Subaru.

"Yes he did, I suppose, in his own strange way. As much as he was able to."

"I just wish he didn't have to wreck everyone else's life while trying to express it." Kamui said dryly.

"I don't blame him anymore. I've forgiven him."

Kamui thought that was just so like Subaru, to be able to forgive someone who had hurt him so much. His soul was just so gentle. Kamui cursed fate that it was not his fortune to have been the one gifted with Subaru's love.

Subaru had been staring off into space, deep in his thoughts. He was no longer angry at fate, instead he was counting his blessings. He wished there was some way he could make Kamui understand. "I have been fortunate, " he said.

Kamui started, surprised by Subaru's statement. "Fortunate? How is that possible?"

"Yes fortunate. Seishirou-san loved me enough to will me to live, even though he knew we were on opposite sides of this war. I was also fortunate to have had so much of your concern." Subaru's warm hands gently turned Kamui to face him. "I'm sorry I was unable to return your heart then. Please forgive me."

Kamui's violet eyes widened at the intense gaze from Subaru. This was why he had lost his heart. He simply couldn't hold out against the vulnerable way Subaru looked at him. He sighed and leaned his head against Subaru's shoulder. For just a little while, he wanted the illusion that he could be with Subaru. "How could I not forgive you? All I want, all I ever wanted was for you to be happy," he whispered.

Subaru brought his hands around to hold Kamui tenderly. It was just so typical of Kamui, to want the one he cared about to be happy, even at the expense of his own desires. First Fuuma, then him. Subaru was sure Kamui didn't have a selfish bone in his body. Just thinking about the situation made him angry. It was so unfair that he was being forced into denying Kamui his happiness. Subaru hoped he was going to be able to get through what he had to do tonight without bursting into tears.

"Shh, it's going to be all right." Subaru's gentle voice soothed Kamui as he rocked his friend against him like a child. "I don't want you to worry about me.

At this sign of tenderness, Kamui simply couldn't keep his sorrow within any longer. It was as if a dam had burst and all the disappointments and hurts that he had taken came flooding out. He wept openly against Subaru, clutching at his dark shirt as he sobbed his heartache out. A sympathetic tear rolled down Subaru's cheek.

Kamui cried till he had no more tears. He stood there, hiccuping jerkily, letting the warmth of Subaru's body soak through him. At some level, he knew he was never going to get a chance to be this close to the one he loved ever again.

Subaru continued to pat Kamui's back reassuringly. His heart was breaking at the thought of what he was going to do. But he could see no alternative. To have Kamui continue pining for him would create an impossible situation. It would not be healthy for either of them.

After some time, Subaru asked, "Kamui, do you remember what I said to you while you were Within your heart?"

"Huh? What do you mean?" Kamui was a bit confused by this sudden change in subject.

"When I told you that if you stayed there, nothing would change. You would just continue to be miserable but if you came out, you could do something to change things?" Subaru prompted.

Kamui began trembling as he started to realise what Subaru was getting at. "No, I don't want to remember! I have to say that was some of the worst advice ever!"

Subaru shook his head as if at an errant child. "Kamui, it was not all bad. Surely you don't regret your decision where it came to Fuuma," he chided.

Kamui bent his head, refusing to look Subaru in the eye. After a while, he sighed, his conscience getting the better of him. "No, it was not a bad choice. I don't regret Fuuma. And I don't regret knowing you."

Subaru used a finger to lift Kamui's chin up and gave him a long steady look. "You know what's best for you now, don't you?" He pressed on gently.

Kamui's gaze was filled with fear. "I'm afraid. I don't want to move on. I don't want to leave you!" He cried in anguish.

Subaru was inexorable. "But you and I can never be together. Not the way you want. No power exists that will allow it now. This way, you will only endure in pain. You have to give up."

"It's hard and I'm scared. I don't want to be alone!" Kamui continued to clutch at Subaru.

"Let me help you. Let me lend you strength. You won't be alone on this journey." Subaru's voice was comforting. "Please..."

Kamui clung on to Subaru tightly. But eventually his shoulders drooped in submission. "You'll be with me?" He asked tentatively.

"Yes, as far as I can go with you." Subaru promised.

"Hold on to me one last time?" Kamui requested in a small voice.

At that, Subaru swept Kamui up into an embrace, in a gesture that showed all of his love for him and his wish that things could have been different.

Then Kamui pulled away from Subaru. "I'm... I'm ready." His voice quavered though he tried to look brave.

Subaru nodded and took out an ofuda. Concentrating, he began to speak his spell, the words rising into the air like a musical chant. As the verse took effect, Kamui smiled. He continued gazing at Subaru as he grew ever more insubstantial. Just before he vanished, he reached out a hand. Subaru, in response held out his as well. Fingers just barely touching before Kamui's slipped through and disappeared forever. In the wind, a soft whisper sounded, "Be happy Subaru. And tell Fuuma to be happy too."

"Goodbye and thank you," Subaru replied just as softly. He lifted a hand and dashed away the tears in his emerald eyes as he looked up at the stars in the night sky. He continued staring at the emptiness, unable to move from the spot.

"Subaru, are you alright? You were so long, I got worried about you." A young man came running up to the onmyouji.

Subaru turned and smiled. It was a smile that lit up his eyes, and let the full force of the beauty of his soul shine through. It was wonderful what love could do for one. In a tired voice he answered, "I'm okay. I just had to wrap up some unfinished business."

Fuuma came to a halt beside Subaru. His face was troubled by the memories this place held for him. "Kamui... is he gone?"

"Yes."

"Will he be happy?"

Subaru lifted a hand to caress his new love's cheek. "Yes, I think he will. And he wants us to be happy too."

"I will always feel guilty." Fuuma admitted.

"As will I. I just wish fate hadn't called on him to make that ultimate sacrifice. But you know he does not want you to dwell on the past forever." Subaru said with determination.

"I'm just glad you're here for me." Fuuma said, looking gratefully into Subaru's eyes. "I'm glad you don't blame me for killing him."

"I know on some level you had expected to let him kill you. That's why you told me you might have to do to Kamui what Seishirou-san did to me. But ultimately, it was Kamui's wish for humanity to go on and for you to live. We must respect that." Subaru took comfort in being able to console Fuuma. In the aftermath of the Promised Day, he never thought he would find a kindred soul to share things with. But in Fuuma, he found solace and a soul in greater pain than his. He had been amazed that his own heart could thaw and feel something when mutual sorrow had turned into something more.

"I won't let his sacrifice go in vain." Fuuma vowed and reached for a hug from Subaru.

"Come. Let's go from here. This is the past, let's leave it where it belongs. The future after all is what we must be concerned about." Subaru smiled as he led Fuuma away.

~ Owari ~

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Notes: Well, I wonder if this idea has been done before. I just hope it wasn't done in this way. I hope you liked it. Did you guess Kamui's state before the crucial point? Something about Subaru and Kamui just brings out the worst angsty feelings in me. At least Subaru and Fuuma have a suitably happy ending right? Okay I'm sure somebody is going to ask, how can Subaru touch Kamui? I have three points. One: Kamui was THE Dragon of Heaven. So it stands to reason he could be one powerful poltergiest if he wanted to be one. Two: I think Subaru can speak with ghosts, so it's possible onmyoujis can touch ghosts right? Three: based on the Subaru side story in Manga 11, the X universe allows for ghosts to be made flesh. So there, my feeble reasons. Review please?