X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Searching For..... ❯ Love ( Chapter 5 )

Title: Searching For…..Part 5: Love

Author: JadeHeart

Archived: Found on CLAMPesque Board, and AdultFanfiction.net. If anyone else would like it, please ask me first!

Fandom: X/1999

Rating: X

Warnings: thoughts of death, masturbation, angst

Timeline: After the Final Battle

Summary: Fuma must face the world after the Final Battle, and himself. And so life goes on ...

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, they are all CLAMP's, nor am I making any profits from this.

 

 

Part 5: Love

 

 

Fuma stepped off the train onto the platform and looked around him; a small bag was clutched in his hand by his side, knuckles white he was gripping the handles so hard.

 

“Huhmm,” a clearing of the throat beside him made him turn swiftly, surprised.

 

A small, wizened man stood there in crisp traditional clothing. A deep formal bow was presented to him.

 

“The Master requested that I greet you, young lord, and bring you to his home.” Another bow, and then a hand reached down to deftly remove the bag from his lax grip before Fuma could recover from his surprise.

 

Another deep bow. “If you would come this way, if it pleases you,” and the old man turned and began to shuffle away, surprisingly quick for someone his age.

 

Fuma stood still for another moment before shaking himself awake and following after, stretching his long legs to catch up. Another deep bow preceded him getting into the back of the large black car he had been lead to, whilst the elderly retainer slipped into the front seat next to the chauffer already waiting.

 

Fuma was feeling a little uncomfortable with such a formal greeting, and was so very glad that he had thought to wear his best suit, newly pressed, for this visitation. At least it looked quite formal.

 

He had forgotten that the Sumeragi's were one of the oldest families in Japan, and a highly respected one at that; both by friend and foe. The few times he had met Subaru previously he had always been dressed so casually; black trousers or jeans, boots, black t-shirts and a long coat, either in tan or white. These casual clothes had always showed up the man's astounding good looks and also, surprisingly, took nothing away from his incredible presence. But this style of dressing had made Fuma forget that the Sumeragi Clan were one of the `Old Families', and held fast to many of the old traditions, beliefs and styles.

 

He shifted uncomfortably on the seat as the car rushed along. He wasn't sure that he could remember many of the very traditional manners and modes of addressing people and feared that he would not only make a fool of himself, but embarrass Subaru in his own home also. That is the last thing that he wanted to do in coming here. He didn't want the Sumeragi to regret the invitation he had extended.

 

******

 

When he had met up with the Sumeragi once more at Yuruziha's party, he had been surprised at how pleased he had been seen to see the older man again. He had gone to greet him as he stood in the shadows, a part of the group and yet completely separate, though whether that was by choice or for some other reason. Subaru had given him a warm smile of greeting.

 

“I'm glad to see that you are looking so well,” he said in his quiet voice.

 

“I'm much better now. Thanks to you.” Fuma replied, finally being able to thank this man for bringing him back from the first brink at the end of the Final Battle. “You left before I could tell you that.”

 

Subaru shook his head, “You don't have to thank me. He would have expected no less.”

 

Fuma knew exactly who Subaru was referring to. “But I still thank you,” he said, bowing his head briefly.

 

Subaru reached out a hand and squeezed his shoulder gently. “I was happy to do so.”

 

A shout of laughter and a squeal made them both look across to the group there. Kusanagi had slipped an ice block down the back of Yuruziha's back, eliciting the mirth from the on lookers, which only increased when Yuruziha firmly dumped a bowl of jelly over Kusanagi's head, sticking her tongue out at him. Fuma couldn't help but chuckle at the sight of the big burly soldier bearing the brunt of the tiny girl's playfulness. He turned his head to see Subaru smiling also at the antics.

 

Fuma felt his heart give a lurch. The man really was breath taking and didn't seem to even realise it. No matter what he did, where he was, how he was dressed, Subaru Sumeragi was simply beautiful. Subaru's eyes met his and he felt his face flush as he quickly lowered his gaze. What was he thinking, standing here gawking like a love-struck teenager! This man deserved his deepest respect and was not to be ogled at!

 

A hand touched his arm lightly and he looked up in surprise. Subaru stood just in front of him, head tilted to one side, his face unreadable. “Come and visit me sometime,” he said, surprising Fuma again. “You are more than welcome.” and with a final soft touch on the shoulder Subaru left him to mingle with the other people.

 

Fuma stared after his departing back, at a complete loss for words. Why would Subaru have said that to him? Should he visit him?

 

He didn't have time for further thought as Yuzuriha grabbed his hand and pulled him back into the crowd and he found his arms full of a swaddled baby as Arashi passed her son to him.

 

**********

 

During the three weeks following the party, Fuma had all but forgotten Subaru's unexpected invite until Nokoru called out to him one afternoon as he entered the mansion and began making his way up the stairs.

 

“Hoy, Fuma!”

 

“Yes?” he said, turning to glance over the railing.

 

“The Sumeragi Estate called whilst you were out to ask if you would accept their invitation to stay for a couple of days next week.”

 

“What?!” Fuma was rooted to the spot, stunned.

 

“You know, the Sumeragi's?” Nokoru clarified, thinking Fuma was being deliberately obtuse. “Don't tell me you are going to even think of refusing this invite as you were Yuruziha's!” His tone indicated that Fuma definitely wasn't in his right mind at all if he thought such a thing. One did not refuse the Sumeragi's!

 

“Of course not!” Fuma said sharply, more than aware that an invite from the Sumeragi Clan was akin to a summons, or an order. If you were invited, you went. “Who called?”

 

“Some retainer. But it was at the request of the Clan Head.”

 

And that could only be Subaru, Fuma thought, suddenly thinking back to the invite Subaru had extended during the party. So he had really meant it after all. And since Fuma had obviously not followed up on it to date, he was now making it a far clearer request.

 

“So, shall I call them back and tell them to expect you?” Nokoru questioned.

 

“Please,” Fuma said pleadingly. Nokoru was used to dealing with Japan's elite. He would know how to talk correctly with these sort of people; Fuma would just embarrass himself. “Could you find out what I need to bring? And when they want me to come?”

 

Nokoru smiled up at him reassuringly. “Not a problem. Don't worry, I'll sort it all out.”

 

Fuma let out a mental sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

 

***********

 

That had been a week ago.

 

Fuma glanced out the window of the car, barely seeing the scenery flashing past. He still wasn't sure about coming here. He had become more comfortable with visiting Seiichiro on a regular basis, and talking to Arashi on the phone, and even catching up with Yuruziha when she came down to Tokyo. But the thought of being on such friendly terms with Subaru almost seemed sacrilegious. The man was completely out of his league in all ways! He didn't even know what to say to him! What sort of conversation could he hold with this man that wouldn't show up his crass lack of understanding of worldly matters and his youth? Fuma knew he was lacking in everything that Subaru had. And the incredible power that this man held within himself was just amazing! Fuma had heard more and more about Subaru's time as a Dragon of Heaven from the others, especially how he had risked himself, his very soul, to delve into Kamui's mind and bring him back to sanity.

 

A portion of Fuma's mind sometimes wished Subaru hadn't - then Kamui would still be safe, still alive. But then reality kicked in and reminded him that without Kamui there to oppose him, the other `Kamui' would still have carried on with the designated task and the Earth would have been destroyed. Taking Kamui with it. So he wouldn't have been any better off.

 

And he also felt so guilty for the worm of jealousy that Subaru had been so close, so intimate with Kamui, in a way that he had never, and could never have been. He clamped down on that feeling whenever it arose. It wasn't fair at all, and Subaru didn't deserve such a thought being directed at him. Not after everything he had risked for Kamui's sake and the sake of the Earth. They all owed Subaru so much more than anyone realised.

 

He noticed the car slow down and turn into a driveway, following the slow curve until it pulled up outside the ornate gates. An intercom buzzed and soft words were spoken before the gates slowly began to open, allowing the vehicle to pass through. Turning, Fuma could see the gates closing behind him. He tried not to think of prison bars.

 

The car continued on its way and soon stopped in front of the main house. A man hurried down the steps to open the car door for Fuma to exit, remaining bowed as he did so, another was opening the boot and retrieving his bag. Both were dressed in traditional clothes also.

 

The retainer who had met him at the station came round the car to stand in front of him and bowed. “Please come this way, young lord,” and began to walk up the steps, the other two following silently.

 

Although Fuma felt very unnerved by all this, he tried hard to keep any of it showing on his face. He kept his shoulders straight and upright, keeping his stride short so as not to outstrip the shorter legs of the men around him. They eventually stopped outside a door.

 

Another bow. “This will be the young lord's room. We trust it will be suitable to your needs.” The doors were slid aside with another bow.

 

Fuma stepped forward. The room was large and spacious, elegantly furnished, again in very traditional ways. The opposite doors were also open leading out to what looked like a garden and this drew Fuma. Outside was a small hot spring. He stared. What a luxury! His own hot spring, directly outside his door! Surrounding it was a lovely design of rocks and paths, with plants that welcomed the warmth.

 

As he stepped outside further he noticed that not far from the hot spring was another pond, this one filled with golden carp, flitting through the water. They didn't seem concerned about being so near to the hot water. A true feat of engineering here for something was protecting the carp in that second pond from being boiled alive.

 

“Is everything to the young lord's liking?” a soft voice at his elbow asked him.

 

He started in surprise. The retainers had silently followed him into the room and now stood, all three of them, bowed behind him. “Y…yes,” he stuttered, trying to gain some control. “Yes, thank you. Everything is just perfect.”

 

His small bag had already been neatly unpacked and items put away whilst he had been admiring the gardens. This was just amazing, he thought. It was like stepping back in time! These people were so efficient.

 

“Then we will leave the young lord to refresh himself. Feel free to walk the gardens, the Master has requested that you treat this as your own home. If there is anything else that the young lord requires, please do not hesitate to ask.” Another deep bow and they began to back away.

 

“Wait!” Fuma said suddenly. They stopped immediately, making him feel terrible at seeming to command them so cavalierly. “Please, could you tell me when I might be able to see…” he stumbled, trying to think of the politest way to ask his question. “to meet with the Clan Head?”

 

Another bow. “The Master bids that you dine with him this evening when he returns if the hour is not too late. Would that be acceptable?”

 

“Oh, yes. Of course. I would be very pleased to do so.” Fuma struggled a little to try and sound as smooth and polite as they did. He really wasn't used to this mode of speech.

 

“Very well,” the lead retained said. “I will come to escort the young lord upon the return of the Master. Until then, please enjoy the delights of the spring and garden.”

 

Another deep bow and they left the room, sliding the door closed behind them, leaving Fuma standing in the middle of the large room in silence broken only by the faint sounds of crickets chirping.

 

He looked around and then back out into the garden. It was truly beautiful, he thought. He glanced at the level of the sun. There were a few more hours before evening. So Subaru was out, he gathered, probably working still. Guess even Clan heads need money to eat. Especially to be able to support all this!

 

Again he looked around the room, barely able to comprehend his surroundings. This was all happening way too fast, and he wanted to pinch himself to find out if he was dreaming, even though he knew he wasn't. He had known that, of course, Subaru came from a wealthy family but at the same time he had just never pictured Subaru in such an environment. The two images of the man that he knew just didn't seem to go together.

 

Fuma shrugged. Well, he was here and it would be some time before he would be able to see Subaru from the sounds of it so he may as well take up the opportunity to enjoy that hot spring! He couldn't stop the smile curling his lips at the feeling of decadency of having his own hot spring! All to himself!

 

With a quick laugh, he divested himself of his clothes and grabbed the robe and towel laid out waiting for him and walked outside. He glanced around to see that he truly was alone, which he was, and then shrugged out of the robe. The sun and shadows ran across his naked body as he stretched out to his full height, closing his eyes to savour the moment. Then he delicately dipped a foot into the spring and a shiver ran up his body at the warmth of the contact. Ohhh, that felt good!

 

He slowly stepped in fully and began to lower himself into the water, trying to savour each sensation. Then suddenly one foot slipped on the rocks over balancing him and he went under the rest of the way with a loud splash and an unseemly squawk!

 

He came up spluttering, water having gone up his nose as well, making him cough violently for a moment, shaking the water from his eyes. He then began to laugh. A slow chuckle at first and then he couldn't help but laugh out loud. Gods, he was so ridiculous! he thought, still sniggering at his own foolishness.

 

He settled himself into a corner, propping his arms up to comfortably support his body and rested his head back, soaking up the warmth. A smile still lingered on his face. This, he could get used to!

 

After some time he cracked open an eye and noticed that darkness had fallen. Light spilled from the open doors of the main house, and lanterns had been lit at various locations around the gardens as far as he could see.

 

He must have dozed off. The warmth was still suffusing his body in a delightful manner. He lifted a hand closer to his face. He could see the fingertips wrinkled and couldn't help but smile. Guess it was time for him to get out before he turned into a prune!, he thought.

 

He rose to his feet, shivering as the colder night air touched his overly warm skin. He felt himself sway a little and reached out a hand to support himself. As his head cleared, he carefully stepped out of the spring. He had better be careful in future. He had obviously stayed in there too long. Wrapping the large robe around himself, he returned to his room.

 

After drying, he dressed in clean trousers, white shirt and a new jacket. Nokoru had brought it for him for just this occasion. He had only just finished combing his unruly hair into place when a discreet knock at the door caught his attention.

 

“Yes?” he called.

 

The door opened and the retainer bowed. “If it pleases the young lord, the Master requests the pleasure of your company for dinner.”

 

“Thank you. I'm ready now.”

 

“Very good, sir. If you will come this way,” and Fuma followed him down the corridor.

 

They walked for some time and Fuma gathered they were entering another wing of the main house. He must have been staying in the guest rooms. Finally they arrived at a large room.

 

Fuma looked around, noting the decorations. It would appear to have been at one time perhaps a banquet hall. Now it was occupied by only one man, who stood as Fuma entered. A smile graced the face and a hand of welcome was extended.

 

“Sorry to have kept you waiting, Fuma. Won't you join me for dinner?”

 

“Thank you.” Fuma managed to stumble out.

 

Subaru was dressed also in traditional robes and looked very grand, nothing like the man whom Fuma had become accustomed to seeing. The dinner proceeded with only a smattering of general small talk as Fuma struggled to find things to say. This distinguished, calm man before him flustered him, and he was seriously having second thoughts about the wisdom of coming here. Subaru seemed so at home in these surroundings, but Fuma guessed that's only to be expected since he was raised in this environment. But for Fuma it was completely alien and he found it awkward.

 

Once the dishes had been cleared away, the retainers also left the room, leaving them alone for the first time. Fuma began to feel panicky. What should he say? Suddenly he heard a deep sigh and looked up in surprise to see Subaru stretching his arms up to the ceiling in a bone popping stretch and then slouching sideways to lie on the floor in an untidy heap of material.

 

“Glad that's over with,” he said with a smile twitching his lips. Fuma could do nothing more than stare at this sudden change. Subaru let out a low laugh “You didn't really think that I enjoy going through all this formality, do you?”

 

Fuma fumbled for a moment to gather his thoughts. “Well, I thought you were probably used to it.”

 

Subaru grimaced, “Oh, I am, and I can sit through it and will sit through it, as is required of me being the Clan Head. But it doesn't mean that I particularly like it!”

 

“Oh,” Fuma couldn't think of anything else to say in response, though he was relieved to hear it.

 

“So relax,” the gentle voice urged him and he looked over to see Subaru gazing at him intently. “You don't have to stand on ceremony with me. That's not why I invited you here.” Subaru suddenly sat up again. “Did you use the hot spring?”

 

The sudden change of conversation threw Fuma for a moment and he stammered, “Ah, yes, yes I did. It's very nice.”

 

“I know. That has to be one of the best reasons to come back home. I use it every evening. Are you up for another round?”

 

“Ahhh…..”

 

“You don't have to, but I do really like to lie in it after working all day and I would enjoy the company. You don't have to get in if you don't want to.”

 

“No, honestly, that's okay. I don't mind having a second go. It's not like I have the chance to enjoy this sort of luxury too often!” Fuma could feel himself relaxing a little more. Subaru was still Subaru, even when dressed as the Clan Head of one of the most influential and important families in Japan.

 

“Good!” Subaru said, standing and extending a hand to pull Fuma to his feet. “Let's go now before someone comes up with something else I have do tonight!” and he strode out of the room with Fuma following.

 

“I'm just going to be next door,” Subaru said, opening the door next to Fuma's. “I actually stay in this room instead of the main bedroom so I can be close to the hot spring. See you out there.”

 

“Okay,” Fuma agreed and slipped into his own room.

 

The wet towel and robe had gone in his absence to be replaced with fresh dry ones. He shook his head. He really could get used to living like this, he thought. He hurriedly threw off his clothes and slipped into the robe. He didn't want to keep Subaru waiting, so he hurried outside to find he was the first one there after all.

 

So what now, he thought, should he wait for Subaru to come out before entering the water? He wasn't exactly clear on the etiquette of using a hot spring as a guest. He shrugged, what did it matter? So he slipped out of the robe and into the water, moving over to the far side to ensure that there was plenty of room for Subaru when he arrived, which he did a few moments later.

 

Subaru stood there for a moment, gazing out into the night. He leant his head back slightly, closing his eyes and Fuma saw him take a deep breath. He did look tired, Fuma thought. The type of `work' that Subaru did was more than just physical, it was also emotionally and spiritually taxing, and must take a lot out of the man each time. No wonder he had a room so close to the hot spring so he could try and relax afterwards.

 

Subaru turned back to face Fuma with a smile and completely unconsciously opened his robe and stepped into the water. Fuma couldn't help the flush that reddened his face. Subaru had a beautifully proportioned body and he moved so gracefully. He looked just far too perfect.

 

However, as Subaru waded closer, the water lapping just above his hip bones, Fuma also couldn't help but notice the scars that marred the body; none of them large, some barely noticeable even, but they were there all the same. And every scar was a sign of pain experienced, pain endured. This man had seen more than his share of that.

 

He heard Subaru settle down into the water for a sigh of pure relief. He leant his head back, elbows resting out of the water on the pool's edge. “That feels so good!” Subaru said heartfeltly. “Don't you think so?”

 

Fuma nodded enthusiastically. “Oh, yes!”

 

Subaru let out a low laugh. “I'm glad you can appreciate it!”

 

They sat in companionable silence for a moment and Fuma let his mind drift

 

“How are you doing now?” Subaru's quiet questioned brought Fuma back.

 

“Oh…okay, I guess.”

 

“Nokoru said that your schooling has improved dramatically. That you've nearly caught up on you missed time.”

 

“It seems to be going all right.”

 

“Good. Schooling is important.”

 

“Did you go to university?” Fuma asked, curiously.

 

Subaru opened his eyed, gazing up at the night sky. “No. I dropped out of school when I was sixteen.”

 

“Really?” Fuma couldn't stop the startled question bursting out. He was surprised. He would have thought the Clan Head of such a prestigious family would have been extremely well educated, and yet Subaru never seemed to be lacking in anything.

 

“Yes,” Subaru continued, turning his head to look at Fuma. “After my sister was…killed, I quit school. I had other things to do at that time. My studies were concentrated solely on my `art', on developing my powers.”

 

“For the Final Battle,” Fuma said thoughtfully.

 

“Actually, no,” was Subaru's surprising answer. “For another reason entirely. A purely selfish reason.”

 

“Why then?” Fuma had to ask, not knowing if he would receive an answer.

 

“To find someone. To try and find out the truth, sift it from the lies. To make my wish come true.”

 

Something clicked in Fuma's mind, flashes of memories of his time as the other `Kamui'. Yes, Seishirou, the Sakurazukamori.

 

“You wanted to be killed by him.” Fuma said softly, making it a statement. “Why?”

 

“Why?” Subaru answered slowly. “That is a question that begs to be answered but in some ways can't be. I loved him, even though I knew I should hate him after what he had done, but one can't stop one's own heart. I wanted him to see me, to acknowledge me and I couldn't understand why he hadn't killed me; both when the bet was lost and in the intervening years. It was as though I was completely unworthy of him, or of his attentions, and my heart ached. So my only wish was that I could make myself strong enough to be a threat to him, so when we fought he would have no choice but to kill me. To die by his own hand was the closest I could get to being with the person I loved so much. Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?”

 

Fuma was silent for a moment. “It makes sense to want to be with someone that much, to the exclusion of all else.”

 

Subaru gave a twisted smile. “You don't have to try and be polite. I know I'm pretty twisted up inside where Sieshirou is concerned.” He gave a half shrug. “I can't help that. Sometimes you still make me think you look like him. But it's just an illusion.”

 

“I know. And I still think it's amazing that you would follow through with what you wanted for so long; holding onto that belief, that love.”

 

“I couldn't let it go, no matter how hard I tried. It was completely wrapped up in my soul in every way. You may as well have been asking me to cut out my own heart. It couldn't be done.”

 

“And now?”

 

A deep sigh as Subaru settled lower in the water. “Now, I don't know what to do. My wish didn't come true, and I've lost the person I was actually living for. It was a long time before I could try and think of reasons for me to continue on.”

 

Fuma was startled. Why hadn't he realised this before? All the time he had been wallowing in his own guilt and pain, he had forgotten that Subaru especially would have been suffering more than any other. He was completely right. He had lost the one person that made it worthwhile to live! Yet, at the same time, he was still here now, sitting opposite him in a hot spring. He could have ended it all, Fuma knew this. So why?

 

“Why…” he didn't know if he should ask.

 

Subaru looked over at him again. “Why am I still here?” Fuma only nodded. “Because Kamui sacrificed so much for this world and everyone in it. He gave everything to this world, and I had selfishly given nothing. Everything I did was for myself, and myself alone. Kamui had all the same pains and yet he still kept giving himself. I could never understand where he found that strength, that power. How he could keep giving so much of himself to so many people, over and over again. I could never be like him.”

 

“But you are like him!” Fuma said forcefully. “`I remember every time you saved Kamui. Putting yourself on the line each time.”

 

“And I failed,” His hand came up to cover his blind eye. “I let myself be distracted and Kamui suffered for that, and suffered the guilt that he didn't deserve for the folly of my actions.”

 

Fuma felt bile rise in his throat and he choked down a sob. He had been responsible for blinding Subaru! He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the images.

 

Suddenly there was a wave of water against his chest and warm hands cupped his face. Startled he opened his eyes, gazing into Subaru's mismatched ones.

 

“Don't!” Subaru said, with steel in his voice, though there was a smile on his lips. His thumbs gently stroked his cheekbones. “Don't blame yourself. It was not you, Fuma. I know that. And even if it was, all you did was grant me my wish. My wish - my fault. It really did have nothing to do with you. It was not your fault, any more than it was Kamui's. He blamed himself for it and I was in no state to show him that it wasn't his fault at that time. I failed him in that. But I won't let you go through the same thing. It hasn't really made a great deal of difference to my life, you know. I can still work, and do everything I did before. So you didn't take anything from me that I hadn't wanted to give up.”

 

“But…' Fuma whispered in anguish.

 

“No buts.” Subaru said forcefully. “It is not your fault.”

 

Then reaching out he clasped Fuma's head to his chest in a hug, resting his cheek on the boy's head. “It's not your fault and I won't let you think that it is. Not if I have to spend the rest of my life convincing you of that.”

 

Fuma sighed against the chest, feeling the strong arms around his shoulders. His own arms came up to wrap around the slim waist in a return hug.

 

“Okay?” Subaru said quietly, drawing back a little and looking down into Fuma's face.

 

Fuma nodded and squeezed out a small smile. “Okay.”

 

“Good. Let's get out now before we become so water logged we can't move. If you need anything I'll be sleeping right next door, Fuma, so just knock.”

 

“All right.”

 

“Then I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well.”

 

**********

 

Fuma lay on his bed staring at the ceiling.

 

Subaru didn't blame him for anything. That was good, it was a nice feeling. He saw again the image of Subaru standing naked at the edge of the hot spring, his graceful body, the muscles shifting as he moved, his manhood swinging between his legs as he stepped into the water. He remembered the feel of Subaru's arms around him and the touch of Subaru's body under his one hands.

 

His face flushed, and that feeling of warmth began to creep all over his body to centre in his crotch. He felt a familiar stirring and wriggled uncomfortably. He shouldn't be thinking such things of Subaru! He respected the man too much.

 

He wanted the man too much, the thought surfaced suddenly and the feeling in his groin grew.

 

Quickly he rolled onto his side. He hadn't felt like this for so long. When was the last time? Before he had become the other `Kamui'. The last time had been when….he had clasped Kamui in his arms by the tree, feeling his hair slipping through his fingers and the thin arms encircled his waist. He had felt that fire growing in his belly then. But nothing had come of that and after he had become the other `Kamui' he had not felt that again. Since he had come back to himself, he had pleasured himself only now and then and in a rather perfunctory manner only, a way to release tension and nothing more. This feeling was very different. And entirely focused on the man who now slept in the room next door.

 

Fuma let out a groan. He loved Kamui! He still loved Kamui! How could he even be thinking of another man like this, let alone Subaru?! Gods, Subaru was still in love with Seishirou, pining for his dead lover. He would be horrified at knowing Fuma was entertaining such thoughts.

 

The image of a naked Subaru leapt into his mind again, the water beading that beautiful body as it had left the water, streaming down his back, pooling in the hollow at the base of the spine to cascade over the smooth, white buttocks that bunched as each leg lifted to step out.

 

Fuma groaned again, burying his head into the pillow so no-one would hear as he could not prevent his hand snaking downwards under the elastic of the waistband of his boxers to grasp his erection which was ready and waiting for his touch. As he stroked himself, his thoughts were entirely on the figure of Subaru but there was a small shadow that hovered on the edges of his image. And when he reached his climax, shuddering at the release, tears leaked from his eyes to rain down onto the pillow as he could only see large violet eyes.

 

***********

 

Fuma couldn't help it. His heart was twisting inside of him, paining him in a way that hadn't occurred since he had first lost Kamui. Why?!! Why was it hurting so much?! The pain was eating away at his soul, taking his mind with it. He didn't know what to do! All he could do was hide.

 

Nokoru had noticed his discomfort, it was impossible for him to miss. He was aware of Fuma's pale face, the dark circles forming around his eyes, the twitching of the hands that couldn't be still, the glazed, pained expression in the eyes. The boy was ailing again, in a way that was so very like how he had been when first he had come to them. Nokoru had almost forgotten how Fuma had originally looked. It hadn't been nice to see then - and it was no better to see it now.

 

Why was it reappearing now? He couldn't help but wonder.

 

The first time had been understandable. The horrible deeds that the other `Kamui' had committed whilst in Fuma's body would have been enough to push any one over the brink to insanity, but Fuma had struggled back from that - though the struggle had been hard. He had eventually told Nokoru about the visitation from his sister, or her soul to be more exact, how that had helped him come to terms with her death and his part in it. That had been the first break through. It had taken all the support and friendship from the remaining Dragons of Heaven to bring the youth further peace for his past actions.

 

Nokoru was fully aware that what had always pained Fuma the most was the death of Kamui. He mourned for Kamui still, always had, deep in his heart. No matter what else was happening around him, or what other peace he found, that pain never went away. But Nokoru had watched as Fuma was able to move beyond that pain and not let it rule him. Not let it destroy him.

 

Almost a year had gone by, almost to the day since that last Final Day. A year that he had seen Fuma grow to be almost happy again. He had seen Fuma learning to smile and laugh again, to share moments with people, even with himself. He had been certain that Fuma was healing. But since returning from his brief stay in Kyoto on the Sumeragi Estate, the boy had seemed… different.

 

Nokoru frowned. Could there be something in that? Could this be connected with that visit in Kyoto? Had something happened to Fuma there? Surely not! The Sumeragi Clam had no axe to grind with Fuma - did they? They wouldn't have done anything to him - would they?

 

Nokoru didn't want to believe that of Subaru but he couldn't still the nagging worry. What if something had happened? Fuma hadn't said anything when he first got back, but then the boy had still not been the most forthcoming of people when it came to his emotions. Perhaps Subaru had said something that Fuma took the wrong way. It could have happened, unintentionally. Fuma's soul was still fragile and sometimes it didn't take much to throw him back into a depression.

 

But this seemed different…very different…dangerous.

 

Why now? What was causing it? Nokoru needed to do something, to try and find out and the only way he could think of was to contact the one person that he actually feared was responsible for the problem. But he had little choice.

 

I hope I'm doing the right thing, he thought grimly to himself as he dialled the number. After a couple of rings the phone was picked up at the other end and a formal voice announced, “Sumeragi Estate, how can we help you?”

 

***********

 

“Yes. Yes, of course, I'll come,” Subaru said into the phone. “I'll be there as soon as I can.” and he hung up.

 

Slowly he walked over to the door and looked out, not seeing the garden before him, his thoughts focused inwards. His traditional robes graced his lithe body elegantly, but to him they felt awkward and cumbersome. He felt far more comfortable in his normal street clothes.

 

The phone call disturbed him. He had thought Fuma was doing well now, that he had finally been able to put the past in the past and begin to move on. Subaru had been delighted, although probably none of that had showed on his face, when he had seen Fuma arrive at Yuruziha's party. He had known she had invited the boy but had seriously not expected him to accept. So when he had walked in with Kusanagi, Subaru had felt his heart give a joyous leap. That reaction had surprised him a little.

 

He had often thought about Fuma since that last day, when he had cradled the weeping boy in his arms, before leading him back to the mansion. He was glad Nokoru had been so understanding of the circumstances and been willing to take the youth in. If he hadn't, Subaru had been quite prepared to do so himself, despite the concerns that it would have raised within his family. But Nokoru had agreed, and Subaru truly felt it had been the best decision. Nokoru truly cared for Fuma - hence the phone call.

 

Subaru pursed his lips a little in thought. Was he to blame for this sudden downward spiral? he wondered. He thought back to Fuma's stay here with him, almost a month ago. He had been glad of the company, more glad than he had realised, and he had desperately wanted to speak with Fuma alone. He had wanted to learn everything he could about Seishirou's last days, his last words, anything at all that he could lay in his heart alongside his other memories. He had craved this knowledge, wanting to make his picture of Seishirou complete, hating the gaps in his knowledge of the man he had loved so intensely, and for so long.

 

He turned away from the window. Had his driving thirst for this knowledge blinded him to the harm that he could have been doing to Fuma by reminding him of that time? Could this be what had disturbed the youth's new found equilibrium? Subaru hadn't noticed him being uncomfortable when they had spoken. He had thought that Fuma was fine with doing so, as he had asked just as many questions about Subaru's time with Kamui.

 

Subaru quickly walked to his room and began throwing some items into a bag. If Fuma was as bad as Nokoru indicated, things weren't going to be fixed by a quick visit. Subaru had the feeling he would be staying in Tokyo for a while. When the bag was packed, he stripped off his robes and dragged his normal clothes out. He was fully aware that Fuma had loved Kamui, he thought as he dragged on the black turtleneck sweater and then his jacket. He had known Kamui cared deeply for Fuma also, almost to the point of obsession but Subaru had quite understood that. When you have lost everything, you cleave to the one thing in your life that is left. That is exactly what he had done with Seishirou.

 

So he had been aware of Kamui's feelings, though he had been unsure if those feelings of love would have actually moved into a full relationship if they had lived or if it would have just remained as it was. He had a feeling that Fuma was in much the same way. Yes, he had loved Kamui and that feeling of love had been crucial at the end but whether he truly wanted to be with Kamui, Subaru didn't think even Fuma could answer that one. And it was an entirely moot point now which was the hardest thing. Fuma still hung onto his memories of Kamui the hardest probably because they were unresolved, one way or another. He understood that too.

 

He grabbed his bag, eyes sweeping the room to see if anything had been forgotten and then strode out of the house, coat billowing around him. He settled back in the car as it whizzed towards Tokyo. He rarely used the family vehicle, considering it unnecessary and a little ostentatious, but time was of the essence here.

 

Kamui… he mused, what a boy. He could close his eyes and see that sharp face, those large expressive eyes. Those eyes could make you think you were drowning in them if you weren't careful. Maybe he had been born with those eyes just so so many people would fall in love with him, and would therefore follow him.

 

Subaru had fully accepted that he had loved Kamui in a way also. He had gone to great lengths to protect him because he could see too much of himself in the young boy, and his heart ached for him as he could see him following down the same pathways that he, Subaru, had taken. He hadn't wanted that for Kamui, but for all his wanting and wishing, Kamui had still died. Killed by the hand of the one he loved.

 

Subaru unconsciously scrubbed at his hand as though wiping something off. When he noticed what he was doing he stopped. He had enough nightmares about blood on his hands.

 

Fuma really hadn't had any time to sort out his feelings for Kamui - love, friendship, brother, lover? What was Kamui really to him? That unresolved tension was enough to drive any person insane. Subaru's heart ached for Fuma, knowing only too well what he was going through. Well, it looked like he had another lost waif to care for. The car raced on.

 

**********

 

Nokoru was waiting at the front door as the Sumeragi car drew up. He watched Subaru get out, dragging his bag after him and throwing it over a shoulder as he went down a couple of steps to greet the Clan head.

 

“Thanks for coming so quickly,” he said.

 

Subaru nodded in acknowledgement. “Any change?”

 

Nokoru shook his head. “Nothing,” He frowned worriedly. “I think…I think he's getting worst.”

 

“When did it start?”

 

“A while ago. I only noticed the last couple of weeks; just little things at first and they just kept escalating.”

 

“So after he stayed with me?” Nokoru hesitated before answering, and Subaru saved him the trouble by nodding and saying, “I see. So it seems that something happened during that time to set this off.”

 

“Did something happen?” Nokoru bravely asked, stopping to look Subaru in the eye, unflinching at the mismatched eyes.

 

Subaru stared back calmly. “Not that I know off.” Nokoru accepted he was telling the truth.

 

They mounted the stairs together and made their way towards Fuma's room. As they reached his door Nokoru put a hand on Subaru's chest, stopping the younger man and making him turn to look at him.

 

“I'm trusting you to help him. He's been through enough.”

 

Subaru nodded. “I'll do everything I can.”

 

With a short nod, Nokoru reached up and knocked on the door. “Fuma?” he called out. No answer. He knocked loudly again. “Fuma?” Still no answer. “We're coming in, Fuma,” and he reached out and turned the knob.

 

The room was swathed in darkness, the thick curtains were pulled across the windows although they were open behind as the material lifted in the breeze struggling to enter the room. The room smelled of sweat and dust, and to Subaru's spiritual senses, despair. Fuma lay huddled up against the head board of the bed, his long, lanky frame curled into a tight ball.

 

“Fuma?” Nokoru said quietly as they made their way closer. He bent down to look at the boy's face. “Fuma, Subaru is here to see you. Okay?”

 

No response, no sign he had even been heard. Nokoru threw a despairing look over his shoulder at Subaru and then sighed and straightened. He turned and half shrugged, indicating his helplessness. “I'll leave you. When you need something just ring and we'll bring it. The bathroom's through there.” he nodded in the direction. “Let me know how you go.” And with a last look at Fuma's still form he left the room, quietly closing the door behind him.

 

Subaru dropped his bag on the floor next to the bedside table before squatting down next to the bed, looking at the figure there. Fuma's face was pale, even in the dim darkness of the room. There were dark circles around his eyes, eyes that were blank, with no flicker of life. If Subaru could not see the chest rising and falling with every breath, at first glance it seemed that Fuma was nothing more than a lifeless corpse. This was bad, he thought, as Subaru took it all in. This was very bad. He didn't even really know where to begin.

 

************

 

“Blood…..blood…..blood…”

 

Subaru grasped the weakly struggling form to him, feeling the sting of the shower spray. “It's all right,” he said quickly, “Look, there's no blood, there's nothing here.”

 

Pinning Fuma to the wall with one hand and his body, Subaru struggled to peel his wet t-shirt off and toss it in a corner out of sight. His pale skin beneath had no stain of the blood that had soaked the shirt. He then turned his attention to Fuma's white shirt also, trying to get it off the boy and break the association that was fixated in the youth's distraught mind, but the water had made it stick to his body like a second skin and completely frustrated Subaru just yanked, uncaring of the popping of buttons and tearing of fabric.

 

He stripped the tattered pieces away, removing the stained bandages from around his wrists also, running his hands over Fuma's arms and chest, and letting the water carry the stains away, all the while speaking softly and soothingly to Fuma. “See, it's all right. There's no blood, Fuma. Not yours, not any ones. There is no blood on you.” The shivering began to subside a little, but the glazed look still hadn't left the eyes.

 

“It's all right.” Subaru kept repeating. “You just need to have a shower, relax, and then you are going to go to sleep. A real sleep. You aren't going to dream, you are just going to sleep.”

 

As he spoke he stripped Fuma of his pants and held the boy close to his chest. He ran his hands over Fuma's back, stroking, calming, trying to soothe the shaking form as he would a frightened animal. He ran a hand upwards to curve across the back of the head that rested on his shoulder, twining his fingers in the wet hair. “It's all right,” he repeated over and over again.

 

He had come back to the room to find Fuma frantically tearing at the bandages on his wrists, and in his haste he had opened the half healed wounds enough for blood to begin to seep out. Not enough to be life threatening this time, thank goodness, but enough to make a complete mess of Fuma's white shirt and the sight of the blood had triggered the return of painful memories for the boy.

 

Seeing the state he was sending himself into, Subaru had done the only thing he could think of. He had swept the younger man into his arms and carried him into the bathroom, standing him under the shower and turning it on, having presence of mind to ensure that it was at least at a comfortable temperature so as not to abuse Fuma's body any further.

 

Fuma had gripped the front of Subaru's t-shirt and this time, unfortunately, he had been wearing a white one instead of his customary black and the blood had smeared dramatically across the snowy whiteness as though it were a canvas, causing Fuma to panic further. The only way was to break the pattern so the first thing was to remove everything that was bloodstained.

 

Suddenly the shaking stopped - completely stopped. Subaru froze for a moment, fearful this meant that something more dreadful had occurred in this long nightmare, but then he heard the sob, deep in the chest, the arms that came up to encircle his waist and cling, and the hot tears that fell into the crook of his shoulder. Now the body shook again, but this time it was a good thing. For Fuma was back and actually responding to an emotion. This was a breakthrough. Subaru just held him, both of them standing there under the steady stream of warm water.

 

Carefully, Subaru helped Fuma from the shower and encased him in a large towel, ensuring that he never broke the body contact. To do so at this stage, depriving Fuma of that physical contact with another person, could send him back into his mind and Subaru had no intention of letting that happening. So he tried to maintain as much physical contact as possible. He carefully checked the wounds on the wrists. They had cleared with the water, closing together with just small beads of blood still rising to the surface. Snagging some fresh bandages from the bathroom cabinet, Subaru hurriedly rewrapped them in enough layers that no blood would seep through.

 

He walked Fuma back into the bedroom and over to the bed, all the while rubbing his hands over the boy's body so the towel would dry him. As they reached the bed, Subaru flipped back the covers and coaxed Fuma to lay down. As he made to step away the hand on his arm gripped tighter, tight enough to leave bruises. The feeling of desperation in that hold was enough to make Subaru change his mind about moving away. He didn't have much choice here.

 

Using one hand he struggled to undo his wet jeans and cursed silently to himself as he tried to peel himself out of them. It took forever for him to do so as the denim clung to every inch of his skin and he almost resorted to magic to shred it from his body but he feared that Fuma, in his heightened emotional state, would sense the manipulation of energies and it could bring back too many memories that were best forgotten. So Subaru continued to struggle with his clothes. Reminder, he thought to himself to try and take his mind of the awkwardness, never wear jeans in the shower!

 

Finally he was naked and he used the damp towel that had previously been wrapped around Fuma to rub himself down quickly also. He was not going to get into the bed soaking wet and risk giving Fuma pneumonia on top of everything else, and in his weakened condition that was a very real risk.

 

When he was as dry as he was going to be he lay down next to Fuma, drawing him into an embrace. At the moment, Fuma needed to feel safe, needed to find some peace, and if Subaru's presence enabled him to finally, truly be able to sleep that was what he would get. He felt Fuma curl into his side, head on his shoulder, one hand curled on Subaru's chest. He still maintained a slightly foetal-like position, he hadn't fully come out of his emotional trauma just yet but hopefully that would come.

 

Before too long Subaru felt Fuma fall asleep, a true sleep, the first in a month. He could feel the relaxing of the muscles under his hand, the slowing of the breathing that brushed over his skin, the heaviness of the body lying next to him. Thank goodness, he thought, there just might be a chance now.

 

It had been a difficult month for Subaru. He had spent it watching Fuma, trying to coax him back to the world of the living. He had not entirely withdrawn as Subaru once had, but it was close enough to the same thing. Subaru had tried to break through his thoughts, to try and find out the real reason for this sudden withdrawal but had had little luck. Fuma firmly kept him shut out, as though he half recognised it was Subaru. That hurt Subaru immensely that Fuma didn't seem to trust him, but in some ways it wasn't surprising. Subaru really hadn't given him much reason to truly think of him as a friend. He sighed for the lost time he had wasted.

 

He had been worried all this time, so very worried. He turned his head carefully to glance at the head resting on his shoulder. Even in this light, the face was drawn, almost a shell of the boy Fuma. Subaru hated seeing him like this. He had been so afraid when Fuma had tried to kill himself.

 

********

 

He and Nokoru had returned to Fuma's room one evening to find it empty. A light shone from under the door leading to the bathroom and there was the sound of water running. That surprised Subaru in itself. Although Fuma still had enough presence of mind to go to the toilet as his body demanded , that was as far as it had gone. He made no effort to shower and it had been left to Subaru to sponge bath him to keep his body clean.

 

With a puzzled glance at Nokoru , Subaru strode across to the closed door and knocked on it sharply. “Fuma?” he called loudly enough to be heard over the water. There was no answer.

 

He felt something at his foot and glanced down. Water was seeping from under the door, beginning to swirl around Subaru's house slippers. His eyes widened in shocked horror as he saw what the water held, and he grabbed the handle, twisting it furiously, but it was locked firm from the inside.

 

He gathered all his power in a rush and shouted, “Burst!” and the door splintered before him. He was pushing through the fragments before they had settled on the ground, dangerously slipping on the wet tiles as he scrambled to reach the prone figure on the floor. The hand basin continued to over flow, the water cascading over the edge, to mix with the crimson liquid on the floor.

 

“Fuma!” he shouted, falling hard to his knees and scooping the body up in his arms, turning it over. His eyes took in everything in a moment. The wide cuts along the wrists, the pale clammy skin, the weak fluttering pulse under his fingers at the neck, the blood, oh, so slowly seeping from the wounds. And the worst, his own ceremonial dagger lying on the floor, smeared by the blood that pooled there.

 

“Call an ambulance!” he shouted at the stunned Nokoru. “Now!!” and he reached down to grip the wrists, placing pressure there to stop the bleeding, trying to keep the life force within the weakened body in his arms, as Nokoru rushed from the room to grab up the phone and begin issuing orders.

 

“Come on, Fuma,” he pleaded softly, grabbing towels and wrapping them around the wounds, applying even more pressure. “Don't give up now. Please don't give up!”

 

That had been a terrible time, finding Fuma with his wrists slit, all that blood, trying to put pressure on the cuts to stop the bleeding, whilst Nokoru rushed out to call for help. The blood had covered his hands, and with the amount that was being lost he had feared that Fuma would be dead before medical assistance could arrive. He had ridden in the ambulance with Fuma to the hospital, sat by his bed and found himself weeping as he had tried to wash the dried blood from his hands.

 

Not another one, he had thought fiercely to himself, I won't lose another one! He had looked at his face in the mirror, one emerald green eye glared back at him, but that one eye had more passion than two ever did.

 

I won't lose him! he vowed. He had lost Seishirou, and he had lost Kamui. He would not lose Fuma! Not to this - not to anything! At the time he hadn't really thought about why he had been so afraid, or why he had been so angry.

 

**********

 

Looking down at the boy lying in his arms now, so vulnerable and struggling to live, he knew, and acknowledged it fully. He cared for Fuma. More than just as a comrade or casual acquaintance, more than just a friend. He loved Fuma, and he thought he loved him in a way that he hadn't thought that he would again. The only other times he had felt so afraid, so angry, so hurt; the only other times he had cried so hard was when he had realised he loved Seishirou, and later also for Kamui. Fuma had found a place in his heart, along side both of them.

 

Subaru knew he wasn't betraying the feelings he had had for Seishirou. He would always love him, but that didn't mean that he couldn't love others, and he had already found that with his feelings for Kamui. He would never have acted upon those feelings as Seishirou was still there for him and he had known that Kamui was in love with Fuma, but still Subaru could acknowledge the feelings that had been in his heart. And now he realised that he did love Fuma. Whether Fuma returned such feelings didn't matter. Subaru would do anything to keep Fuma from harm - that was Subaru's way.

 

He tightened his hold on the youth a little and closed his eyes. He needed to sleep also. In looking after Fuma, Subaru had run his own energies down dangerously and he needed to rest as much as the other did.

 

Subaru sighed. He had a feeling that when Fuma awoke to find himself naked in bed next to an equally naked man there would be more work to be done. Another sigh as Subaru relaxed another notch.

 

But this was still nice.