X/1999 Fan Fiction ❯ Stigmata ❯ Chapter Two ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter 2

The same as every morning, Kamui woke far earlier than was necessary, showered and dressed, dragged up some semblance of breakfast, and having done all these things, was having a cigarette on the balcony.

There was no real pleasure he received from smoking. He did not consider himself addicted to the habit. He had, at many points since he had started smoking, dropped it for a month or two without any reason other than he tired of it. Smoking was, for him, nothing more than a recreational activity of sorts, to word it in an odd form. He smoked because he could and because it was something to do, and there was no other reason than that.

Maybe it was because he was a victim of his surroundings that he smoked.

Well, make that one surrounding. There was only one person he knew and had been close to that smoked, and that person needed no introduction at all.

He wondered why his thoughts were so often dominated by Subaru. He knew that the most logical reason was because when he had been left with no one, no one to care for him, much less a single friend in the entire world, Subaru had been the one that was there for him. Subaru had been his anchor, what had kept him from drifting too far away.

But… he had been naïve to think that Subaru would always be that for him.

Subaru had never /wanted/ to be his anchor. Kamui did not claim to understand Subaru. He doubted that anyone, not in ten thousand years, would be able to fully comprehend the complex Sumeragi. Still, he had at least liked to think that he knew enough about Subaru to be able to start to understand him even the slightest.

And the one thing he had learned to be an absolute truth about Subaru was this: Subaru had wanted to help him, to be his friend and to care for him, but Subaru had never wanted to actually stay when he knew that Kamui would be all right.

And so Kamui was left alone once again, to watch as the few others he trusted and cared for abandoned him too.

Or betrayed him.

The final months of the battle were, without a doubt, the worse they had suffered. In those few months, Karen lost her life to the Angel Satsuki Yatouji. Aoki had died not long after, sacrificing his life for the sake of his own family, when their lives were threatened by the destruction of a kekkai by Fuuma. But worse than these deaths, the worse blow of all, was when Sorata had given his own life to preserve Arashi's and was killed by Subaru.

It could have been argued that it was self-defense. Arashi had attacked him; Subaru had to fight back or be killed. It could be argued that Arashi had only done what Hinoto had requested of her to do, to kill the one that had betrayed them and become a Dragon of Earth.

That argument was nil.

Subaru had never betrayed them.

Hinoto was the one that had betrayed all of them.

That was the last time Kamui had seen Subaru, when he had 'betrayed' them, until six months ago on the anniversary of the end of the battle… and last night.

Kamui sighed and flicked his cigarette over the balcony. Last night had been a particular low for him. He had gone out with the intention of simply escaping his apartment for a few hours and ended up in a bar near drunk and with some guy breathing down his neck until he agreed to leave with him. Nothing had come of that; he had knocked him out the second the man had the nerve to begin relieving him of his clothing.

It turned out the man was fairly wealthy, that much was obvious by the splendor of his apartment in Ginza. That, of course, had said nothing for what kind of person he was. Kamui had left him there to rot for all he cared and, for reasons he could not comprehend, the sight of the bookstore as he was walking toward the subway had caught his attention. He had gone in on a whim and found Subaru.

//Lucky me.//

Subaru really wasn't the person he remembered. No… he was. There was something about him that had remained after everything had happened that Kamui could still identify as a trait Subaru had always possessed. There were simply more traits that he could /not/ recognize than those he could.

It was difficult to explain, even in his own mind. To explain his own senses and interpretations about a person… he had never been very good at that, much less understanding anyone. How could he, when he could not even understand himself?

It was cold. The thought came to him as a rather rude shock, not surprisingly. He was, after all, sitting on his balcony wearing nothing but a pair of jeans he had thrown on this morning, and while fading away, winter was not quite yet gone. He sighed and went inside to the marginally more comfortable temperature of his apartment.

Not much better. The heater had been broken for three weeks now.

Maybe that was why he smoked. It kept him warm.

He dressed warmly, as he always did, and not overly liking the idea of spending his entire day in his frigid apartment, he left the Houou Estates to wander the streets of Shinjuku. He had no idea where he was going, much less where he might end up today, but he knew at least that he did not want to be anywhere near his apartment.

Or Ginza.

Or hell, anywhere in Tokyo.

He walked past the Soapland Flower, the same as he did everyday. It was not far from his apartment building, which was in a rather active area of Shinjuku, as in it had its fair collection of bars and various other sinful businesses. Or at least, it was described as a sinful area, which was why it was not exactly the most ideal place to live.

That was also why it was the cheapest place to live in Shinjuku, which was all the better for him.

He entertained the thought of going into the Soapland, the same as he always did. Why, he had no real idea. He supposed because it was the Soapland that Karen had worked in. Not that he expected that he could very well go in there and say hello and that he had known Karen Kasumi.

He doubted anyone even /remembered/ her. Five years was a long time, after all, and people in Tokyo were known famously for their lack of concern for anyone but themselves…

Well, maybe that was too general of statement, on second thought. It was what Kamui thought of people anyway.

He didn't go in. He never did.

He continued walking, until he was away from the slum area of Shinjuku, and nearer to a more respectable area. This much was not uncommon for him; he never actually knew where he was going when he left his apartment every morning, but he did at least follow this path every day.

Maybe he'd go to Clamp Campus. Seeing the people there, seeing Keiichi Segawa, his former classmate, always gave him the feeling that he should go back to school to make something of his life.

The feeling never lasted long.

Neither did the thought to go to his old campus, because not but a moment later, he found himself hailing a taxi and asking to be taken to Ginza.

//What am I doing…?//

//Do I really think I'll see you there?//

//You'll just turn me away again… why do I bother…//

He did not give in to his urge to tell the driver to turn around and take him back home. He climbed out of the backseat when they arrived in Ginza, breathed in deeply the polluted scent of Tokyo, and wondered what he was supposed to do now.

//Find you, Subaru?//

//Yeah, sure… I don't even know where to start looking.//

Kamui shoved his hands in his pockets and began walking. The best way to get anywhere was to put one foot in front of the other, his mother had always told him. Chances were, they would take him somewhere, and that somewhere would be exactly the place he wanted to be.

That worked for some people. Never him.

He walked until he had come to the bookstore where he had met Subaru. There he stopped. Not for any other reason other than to feel a pang of nostalgia. There was no other reason he should be here but that one. Maybe because he had the delusional thought that Subaru would step outside of the building at any moment, smile at him, and invite him over for tea.

Kamui actually laughed at the absurdity of that thought, gaining himself quite a few surprised looks from the other civilians on the sidewalk. He paid them little attention and had his laugh; it was a much needed one.

There was a small park across the street from the bookstore. Kamui decided that he might as well take a stroll through there, where it would be quiet, and he could absorb himself in his own thoughts without distraction.

His eyes wandered the area in which Subaru lived as he walked. It was obviously a newer neighborhood than most, as none of the buildings showed any sign of age or decay. Housing units lined the streets, in between the businesses, near schools, but none too cluttered together that it looked as though everything had been haphazardly thrown together. It was a lovely area. Kamui wondered what it was Subaru saw in a place like this.

Not that, now that he thought about it, that he could see the Sumeragi anywhere /but/ a place like this. Certainly not living like the people he passed; the image of Subaru in a business suit and strolling through the park with his Leave It To Beaver family sent Kamui into another round of laughter. But like this, somewhere like this, he had always imagined Subaru in when the onmyouji had spoken of when he was younger, living in Shinjuku with his sister. It suited him.

It suited his wallet too, Kamui was sure. All of this was far more than he could ever hope to afford in his entire life, but for Subaru, money was likely the last thing on his mind. Onmyouji were paid quite a bit, and assassins even more…

He doubted that Subaru had lived anywhere quite like this during the time he had known him, all those years ago. He had never actually seen where Subaru lived during that time, much less the area, but he doubted that it mattered very much. Subaru had come to live with he and the other Dragons of Heaven only a few weeks after having drawn Kamui from the abyss of his own mind, and left them when the former Sakurazukamori had passed away.

The Sakurazukamori was the one person that Kamui had never been able to coerce Subaru into speaking openly about. What little information Subaru would give was not much at all, and after several failed attempts to get him to speak about the entire ordeal, Kamui had given up. He was never able to ask the question he had wanted to the most.

//Do you really love him?//

//Do you still love him, even /now/ after all this time?//

Kamui sighed aloud and settled down on a bench beneath the shade of an elm tree. True, it was none of his business to have asked such a question, but he and Subaru had always been close… he had thought that it would be all right if he asked him just one intimate question. But every time he began to, the moment seemed wrong, and he would stop himself before he could make a mess of things like he always did.

He had studied Subaru intently, as any student hoping to pass end of course exams would, as though he expected someone to pop up and give him a quiz on the complex mind of one Subaru Sumeragi. He had watched his movements, heard every inflection of voice in his tone, seen the way his eyes could reveal his deepest thoughts at the most inappropriate of moments…

But he had never been able to answer that question. When Subaru spoke of the Sakurazukamori, he had spoken as he had about anything else, and always dismissed it all with a shrug of his shoulders before changing the subject. But he did that with so /many/ things it was hard to tell if her were trying to hide something.

//I have a better question.//

//Why, after five years, am I /still/ thinking about this?//

//Better yet, /why/ am I still thinking about /you/?//

Why was an amazingly good question, now that he thought about it. The question 'why?' could sum up his entire outlook on his past. That, and maybe a 'huh?' thrown in there for whenever he was particularly confused about something.

Why was he 'kamui'?

Why was Fuuma his twin star?

Why did Kotori have to die?

Why did anyone have to die?

And, most of all, why did he fall in love with all the wrong people?

//And, of course, why am I thinking about this so much like a pathetic teenager?//

He let his fall back with a small laugh. It really was pointless, to think so much of the past now that it was over and done with, the same as it was pointless to regret the future he had made for himself then and was living now. There was no one he could blame for anything that had gone wrong in his life but himself, and he would never misplace that blame. He knew and understood that it was his own.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were following me, Kamui."

His head snapped up. Subaru laughed.

"Why so surprised? I do live here after all."

Kamui caught his breath and shot a glare at Subaru reminiscent to that he had always given when he was younger. "You scared me," he said lightly, shrugging his shoulders. Two could play at this 'carefree, light hearted, everything's-fine-and-dandy' game.

"I didn't mean to." Subaru gestured to the unoccupied seat beside Kamui. "May I sit?"

Kamui shrugged again and waved a hand dismissively. Taking this as a yes, Subaru settled down beside him.

The younger man allowed his eyes to wander indiscriminately over Subaru for a moment. He was, Kamui saw, a person that aged amazingly well. He did not look a day older than he had been when Kamui first met him, and aside from the now discolored eyes and the hardened look that had overcome them, he was the same Subaru. His figure was not quite as painfully thin as it had once been either, Kamui noted, on a second glance.

Clothing, at least, seemed to be a remarkable change. He had always known Subaru to wear nothing but his black jeans and shirt, with that tattered white trench coat of his. Today, he was dressed in a trench coat, unsurprisingly considering that it was still very cold, but it was a very striking shade of crimson, near blood red.

"So why are you here?" Subaru asked.

Kamui looked at him sharply. "Am I not /allowed/ here?"

Subaru stared at him for a moment, then broke into a laugh. "I had thought, after talking to you last night, that you had changed quite a bit from when I last saw you. But I see you're still the same person.

"To answer your question, I have never said that. It was a matter of curiosity."

"I had no where better to go," Kamui answered after a moment, choosing to speak the most truthful response.

"Were you hoping to find me?"

Again, it took a long moment for Kamui to respond. "… not really, no. I thought maybe I'd see you, but I wasn't counting on it."

He longed to change the subject to anything as long as it was not anything about him or why he was in Ginza. That was what Subaru wanted, he knew that. Subaru wanted to think that he had come here specifically to see him. Kamui did not want to give him that luxury, especially when it was not the complete truth.

"So am I keeping you from something?" he asked.

"No," Subaru replied after a brief glance. "I wouldn't have stopped to talk to you if I were in a hurry to go anywhere. I was on my way home from a job."

A job. Kamui wondered what exactly that entailed.

"Not that kind," Subaru answered for him.

"I didn't think--"

Subaru laughed again. Kamui wondered why that it was failing to bother him as much as it should. Laughter could become tedious if it continued too long, at inappropriate moments, or was from people that did not mean it. Subaru, on the other hand, was not quite laughing with mirth, but he was not forcefully laughing. He was actually amused, and though Kamui knew that he should be offended that Subaru was finding humor and him, it did not bother him.

"You were thinking it," Subaru said. "But no. Not that kind of job. What sort of assassin works so early in the morning anyway?"

"I wouldn't know. I don't know many assassins," answered Kamui flippantly.

"And good for you," Subaru replied, ignoring the sarcasm. "Not a likeable bunch."

"You would know."

It was an insult, and its meaning cut far deeper than one would think, for it referred to the Sakurazukamori before Subaru. But if it bothered Subaru, it did not show in his expression, much less in anything else seen. He did not even show the slightest indication to have comprehended the underlying meaning behind the words, though Kamui knew very well he understood all too well.

To avert the subject, Subaru asked, "What do you do with yourself these days, Kamui?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you work?"

Kamui shook his head slowly. "No."

"Have you started school since I last saw you?"

"No."

Subaru said nothing to this, only made a slight sound beneath his breath to acknowledge that he was still listening. The sound was brief, affirmative, and almost arrogant, as though he had expected nothing better of Kamui.

At length, Subaru inquired, "Do you still regret all that happened five years ago?"

Kamui felt that it was an insult and snapped in return, "You spent nine years grieving for your sister's death."

There was silence on both sides of the conversation for several long moments. Finally, Subaru broke it by laughing softly, briefly.

"If you think that I was grieving then, yours and my definition of the word are far different," he said lightly. "I had not forgotten her, no. I had not forgotten what had happened to her. But I had accepted it."

"And forgiven?" Kamui asked hesitantly.

For the briefest second, he saw Subaru unguarded. The question did nothing to reflect a past sorrow or pain; that was not what he saw when Subaru lowered his shields. What he saw was not bitterness or regret for what had happened to him. What reflected in those mismatched eyes was pure /anger/ and loathing.

"No," he answered. "Never forgiven."

The moment did not last for long. The shields returned and the unguarded look of his eyes faded away. Kamui sighed and looked away.

"I'm not in mourning," he answered softly. "I just… I haven't forgotten."

"You killed someone that you cared very much for," Subaru returned, and his tone sounded somehow like it had once before, when he was attempting to comfort Kamui. "You should never forget him."

Kamui laughed briefly, bitterly. "I didn't kill Fuuma."

His voice was so quiet Subaru scarcely thought he had heard him. He frowned faintly as he realized what Kamui had said.

"You did," he said slowly, "or else none of this--"

"I didn't kill him," Kamui repeated firmly. "Fuuma's alive. He's alive and I can show you."

Somewhere, a child was calling for her mother. Children were playing their games and calling and yelling to one another. Pairs walked hand in hand speaking in low, secretive whispers. None of these things touched either of them at this moment.

Subaru spoke slowly.

"Well then…

"Show me."