XXXHolic Fan Fiction ❯ The Yaoi Guidebook ❯ Cracktastic! ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

By: spare

Title: The Yaoi Guidebook
Author: Spare
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Doumeki x Watanuki
Word Count: 2,814
Disclaimer: xxxHolic belongs to CLAMP.
Warnings: Crack. Very mild spoilers up to Volume 9. !Devious! Himawari-chan. Gay sexual tension in part 1. Actual gay sex in part 2. As in SMUT. As in PORN. Do NOT read if you are a minor. Watanuki insisting he's seme. Doumeki, and the seer's innate prissiness, getting in the way.
Summary: Himawari sends the boys their mid-year gift over summer break. Watanuki protests. Doumeki is pleased.
Notes: The characters depicted are 18 years old in this work of fiction. Wrote this to commemorate BonBon ver. 2.0, the brand-new PC we got this weekend. And dedicated, as always, to elana-chan-sensei. Here's to hoping your students don't stress you out. Take your vitamins!

The Yaoi Guidebook
by Spare

oOo

1.

oOo

"If we go by the book," Doumeki stated, setting down the paperback volume on the low table in what passed for Watanuki's living room, "I'm seme."

Watanuki instantly turned pink. "W-what?! That's..." he sputtered, and tried again. It was hard to restart, the boy mused, when the thought just killed your brain. "That is..."

Doumeki shrugged. "I'm taller than you."

"By an inch," Watanuki protested. "An inch!"

Across the table, the archer went on, undeterred, "And you have bigger eyes."

"What's that got to do with anything?!"

"I don't know, either," Doumeki replied, in a tone that said he didn't really care either way. "But it's what the book says."

"Well, I don't believe you!" Watanuki grouched, grabbing the afore-mentioned tome to see for himself.

"It's on page 24," Doumeki informed him helpfully.

The bespectacled boy flipped the book open, hurriedly scanning the page. His eyes grew wide. "Is that..." he murmured faintly, "... Is that even physically possible?"

Raising an eyebrow, Doumeki peered over the boy's shoulder. "Oh." He cleared his throat. "Wrong page. The list's on page 42." A pause. "Sorry."

Watanuki considered retorting 'You did that on purpose, you jerk!' but decided against it. He wasted enough breath on the bastard as it is. He flipped to the correct page instead.

"This is... stupid," the boy whose name was written as April 1st said, after a moment of reading through the list. It was mercifully short, and contained other generally perplexing items as 'skin texture' (the one with fairer, smoother skin was designated as the 'uke') and emotional restraint (the 'seme' held a tighter rein on his emotions than the oft-high-strung 'uke'). "Why must I be uke just because my eyes are bigger than yours?!"

Doumeki shrugged again. "Don't ask me." He pried the book from Watanuki's grasp as the shorter boy proceeded to glare at the rest of the world in general. "Who gave this to you, anyway?"

Watanuki stilled. Unbidden, his mind raced back to earlier this morning, finding the gift-wrapped parcel at his doorstep after a quick trip to the grocery. That, and the postcard enclosed in the wrapping paper. Both, he had soon discovered, from Himawari-chan.

Ochugen from Himawari, the postcard had confirmed, further saying it was such a pity that she would be staying in Kanagawa with her parents until the 20th. She had really wanted to personally hand her mid-year gift to Watanuki-kun -- and Doumeki-kun, of course! You and Doumeki-kun should read it together!, Himawari-chan had advised in the hand-written note, ending with her hopes that the two of them have an enjoyable summer, and that she looked forward to seeing them both once classes resumed this fall.

A sweat drop trickled down the side of Watanuki's forehead. At that time, he had been too busy twirling in merry little circles over receiving a gift from his Himawari-chan to care much about having to share it with Doumeki.

His left cheek twitched. Neither did he really care what the gift was; it was from his dearest Himawari, and that was all that mattered. Until, that is, he happened to unwrap the package come lunchtime -- and Doumeki dropping by with half a kilo of chicken, green peas, lotus root, and a request that Watanuki make chirashi-zushi -- and found what was inside.

"'Yaoi Guidebook'," Doumeki had read the cover aloud, Watanuki being too stunned to try and stop him. "'Complete and Unabridged. A step-by-step, illustrated manual on gay sexuality'."

You and Doumeki-kun should read it together!

Looking back, it was a good thing Watanuki hadn't gotten around to telling the expressionless oaf who the dread-inspiring book was from just yet.

"Oi."

Said book's deceptively innocent-looking cover waved unceremoniously inches from his face pulled Watanuki back to the present.

Doumeki stared at the seer, the tiniest hint of a frown the only thing attesting to the archer's curiosity. "So, who was it?"

Watanuki inwardly considered how inconvenient it was, this mortal inability to melt into the floor, as Doumeki waited patiently for his answer.

"Nobody you know!" the bespectacled boy finally spat out, waving his slender arms dismissively to emphasize his point. "Anyway," he continued, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose just because he could, "it's not like we'd ever... do any of that, that stuff!" Meaning, of course, the things that were so graphically described and illustrated in the book. "I don't even like you! And even if I did, I would definitely be seme, so whatever's written there is complete and utter hogwash!"

Silence. Doumeki looked at him in a way that gave Watanuki the distinct impression of gears clicking into place just beneath that unreachable facade of his.

"So," the archer ventured, "if you get to be seme, you would be willing to do all those things with me?"

Watanuki flushed to the tips of his ears. "Only if I liked you!" he repeated. "And I don't! So there!"

"But," Doumeki interposed, "you do."

"Whatever gave you that idea?" the bespectacled boy huffed, glaring at him for all he was worth. "Do I need to spell it out?! I. Don't. Like. You."

The archer returned his gaze with one of cool certainty. "I can make you like me," Doumeki replied after a beat, voice low and unhurried.

Watanuki found himself looking away for reasons he would rather not explore. His heart was pounding. Probably out of fear, because Doumeki was staring at him in that creepy, inscrutable way of his, and because the tone of his voice reminded him of chocolate: rich, smooth, and absolutely sinful. "No, you can't."

And because Watanuki wasn't looking, he missed the ghost of a smirk that formed on Doumeki's face. He heard it well enough, though.

"Is that a challenge?"

oOo

2.

oOo

"I can't do that!" Watanuki exclaimed later on, scandalized, and wearing far less clothing than a warm August afternoon spent inside the comfort of his own home warranted. Delivered as it were while sprawled between one Doumeki Shizuka's legs, where the now de-spectacled boy had been licking the archer's taut stomach only minutes before, it made for a rather contrary assertion.

Doumeki sat up. "Why not?" he asked. As opposed to wearing far less clothes, the taller boy currently wore none. Watanuki had rather enjoyed taking ever article off, piece by piece. He had the love bites to prove it.

Watanuki still looked horrified. "It's..." He flapped his arms vaguely. "It's unsanitary!"

The archer regarded him levelly. "It'll hurt more if you don't. It says so on page 57."

"I don't care!" the seer replied, scowling.

"Hn." Doumeki squared his arms. "Well, I do."

"I'll use plenty of lube!" Watanuki bargained.

Doumeki's eyes narrowed just the slightest bit. Obtaining the lubricant had been quite an interesting, albeit brief, side quest. Just when they'd narrowed it down to a choice between the whipped cream in the refrigerator ('Too kinky,' Watanuki had protested) and plain old saliva ('Too crude,' Doumeki had shot back), what should he spot glinting at the top shelf of Watanuki's medicine cabinet but a brand-new bottle of Alcogel.

'I don't remember buying this!' Watanuki had been quick to remark. Doumeki had chalked it off to hitsuzen. Watanuki had been inclined to be more paranoid ('Yuuko-san!'), and spent some time checking every nook and cranny of his apartment for hidden cameras and whatnot, until the archer managed to convince him that his energy was better spent in other, far more pleasurable activities. It had entailed pushing the slighter boy against the nearest wall and grinding their hips together until Watanuki had to bite his shoulder just to stifle a scream.

Doumeki hadn't minded.

They had both discarded their pants not long after that, so that Watanuki still wore his shirt but Doumeki was half out of his. The archer would be entirely removed from it some frantic moments later.

Hitsuzen.

"I don't see why you should complain so much, anyway," Watanuki was now saying, pouting in that unconsciously adorable way of his. "You agreed to be uke, after all! All you're supposed to do is lie there, make those sexy whimpers and moans as I ravage you, maybe even cry a little when I-- when I claim your innocence for my own!" he huffed, managing to look both embarrassed and exasperated. "So far, you've only done the first and none of the latter two!"

Doumeki heaved a sufficiently censuring sigh, and moved so that the seer was now settled comfortably in his lap. "You've done enough whimpering and moaning for the both of us," the taller boy pointed out, not without some measure of satisfaction at the blush that he now knew extended down to the upper portion of Watanuki's chest, just above the seer's nipples. "It would be overkill for me to add to it. And you haven't..." His palms idly stroked Watanuki's sides. "... 'claimed my innocence for your own' yet. Although I don't think that would make me cry..."

Watanuki squirmed in his grasp, shivering involuntarily. "W-whatever!" Said boy grabbed the archer's shoulders, pushing back enough to face him squarely. "What I'm saying is you're doing a piss-poor job in being the submissive party in this relationship!"

"Being uke doesn't come naturally, I guess," Doumeki noted contemplatively.

"Put more effort into it!" The seer insisted. Suddenly his mismatched eyes lit up. "I know! I should call you 'Shizuka-chan'!... Or wait-- yes, that's it-- 'Shizu-chan'!"

Since sweat-dropping was beyond him, Haruka's formerly cross-dressing grandson arched an eyebrow instead. "Ah?"

"What? Your name sounds cuter that way. And being cute brings you one step closer to being a proper uke!" Watanuki declared triumphantly.

Doumeki considered this. "I'm still not getting my innocence claimed without you preparing me first, though," he maintained, unmoved.

Blush. "But I can't... There's no way I can do that!"

"You just have to stick three fingers in," the archer rejoined, not budging an inch.

"One by one!" Watanuki countered, clearly mortified at the very idea.

"Watanuki," Doumeki contended with laudable equanimity, "They're not the only parts you'll shove up my ass."

Said boy visibly bristled, hurriedly looking away. "That's different!" he argued, but failed to elaborate on what exactly it was that made it different.

"How so?" Doumeki inquired. The archer's fingers trailed down Watanuki's back, beneath where the boy's unbuttoned shirt still hung loosely from slender shoulders. "They're all a part of you, aren't they?"

Watanuki trembled, clutching at Doumeki's upper arms, and allowed himself to be lowered to the futon, Doumeki kneeling over him. "T-that's not--"

"Or would you rather I showed you?" Doumeki smoothly interposed, one hand settling between Watanuki's legs to fondle his balls thoughtfully. The seer groaned low at the treatment, writhing under the taller boy's ministrations, and gasped as Doumeki's fingers wandered lower, brushing fleetingly against the crack of his ass.

Doumeki's cock twitched at the sound of it.

"I don't need a demonstration!" Watanuki protested, panting heavily.

"Hn... Well, you're getting one anyway," Doumeki returned amiably, pulling his hands away and reaching for the lube. He coated his fingers thoroughly, silencing all subsequent objections by nibbling at the sensitive spot he'd discovered on Watanuki's throat. That done, his hands crept back, gently nudging the slighter boy's legs further apart, and pushed a single lubricated finger past the rim of the seer's anus.

Watanuki visibly tensed beneath him, unaccustomed to the intrusion, gasping as the digit probed deeper inside.

"Does it hurt?" Doumeki posed, discreetly enthralled by the tight, slightly moist heat clamping around his index finger.

"No," the shorter boy replied breathlessly. "It just feels... odd."

Silence reigned between them for a while, Watanuki apparently too awestruck to say much of anything. Doumeki, for his part, was fascinated by the vast interplay of emotions on the seer's expressive face. It was obvious that it did hurt, contrary to what Watanuki had said, by the taut set of his features, and the death grip with which the slender youth held on to the archer. But that discomfort was clearly overshadowed by the look of wonder on Watanuki's face, lush mouth partly open with each audible intake of breath, childlike even with the haze of lust darkening mismatched eyes. It was a look that gradually went from one of mild surprise to one of expectation as Doumeki shoved a second, and then a third finger in, stretching him.

"It's not so bad, now, is it?" Doumeki stated after a while.

"Well... Nngh... M-maybe..." Watanuki murmured distractedly. Then the archer curled his middle finger inside him, touching something very much like a button as the yaoi manual had described, and the seer's eyes flew open. A choked sound escaped his throat.

Doumeki had struck gold.

Watanuki seemed inclined to think so, too. "Ah...!" The hands on the archer's shoulders tightened their grasp even more, Doumeki was certain there would be bruises. Watanuki's legs shifted restlessly over the mattress, toes scrabbling against the floorboards, Doumeki's free hand holding his slim hips in place. "Doumeki..."

"'Shizu-chan'," Doumeki reminded, unable to resist teasing the slender boy just a bit, even as aroused as he already was.

"Nn..." Watanuki peered up at him dazedly. "Huh?"

"Weren't you going to call me 'Shizu-chan'?" the archer repeated. Watanuki Kimihiro, Doumeki observed, pulled off peeved and still downright fuckable just fine.

"Now--" the slighter youth bit out hoarsely, "--is not the time..."

"Ready?" Doumeki asked, and drew his fingers out, quietly amused as Watanuki chased after the burn with his hips.

"For what?" Said boy griped, squirming, and sounding very much annoyed at the sudden withdrawal. "Doumeki--"

The archer reached for the lube again, quickly slathering a liberal amount on his cock. "For this," Doumeki replied, leaning over the shorter boy, soon canting their hips together so that Watanuki's swollen penis bobbed between their stomachs, while the weeping head of Doumeki's own erection nudged at the area between his ass cheeks, seeking entry. "The part where I," the archer feathered a kiss just beneath Watanuki's jaw and continued, "'claim your innocence for my own'."

Heaving a sigh, Watanuki tilted his head back to allow the taller boy better access. "Stop asking stupid questions!" the seer retorted, and hooked his legs over Doumeki's forearms.

"Hn." That was all, and soon Doumeki was easing himself inside, the cock head pushing past the sphincter and surging relentlessly forward.

Doumeki gritted his teeth, inhaling sharply. Even prepared, Watanuki was almost unbearably tight, warm and slick and absolutely wonderful. He could feel every bit of muscle clench as the seer's anal walls expanded to accommodate his girth, could feel Watanuki's hot breath rush past his forehead. It spurred Doumeki on, made him crane his upward to capture the slender boy's lips in a searing kiss, made him draw his hips back, withdrawing his cock until naught but the tip remained, only to thrust right back in.

It felt good -- better than the book had guaranteed, better than he had ever dared to imagine -- and Watanuki broke lip contact to cry out something that was half-sob, half-moan, and sounded suspiciously like the archer's given name, so Doumeki did it again. And again. And yet again. It was great, he mused, how he was able to go even deeper every time.

In and out, and the seer's slender frame arching with each re-descent. Doumeki pressing Watanuki's right hip down and outward until it lay flat against the futon, then hooking the boy's left leg over his shoulder to get a better angle. Watanuki conveying his appreciation for the archer's efforts by pulling him down for another kiss, fingers frantically raking across Doumeki's back.

In and out, and finally Watanuki went still, then shuddered beneath him as he climaxed, anal muscles contracting involuntarily around Doumeki's cock. Doumeki soon followed, burying himself as deep as he could in the welcome heat of Watanuki's body.

"So," Doumeki would ask a short while later, both of them sated and sweaty and with semen cooling on their bellies and between their thighs, and Watanuki finally naked and resting his head against the archer's chest, "Do you think you could follow the book's instructions for next time? For when you 'claim my innocence for your own'?"

"When will you ever wear out that joke?" Watanuki retorted tiredly, in what Doumeki supposed should have been the seer's patently irritated tone, but without much of the usual conviction. He yawned, the hand that wasn't idly stroking the taller boy's skin rubbing at mismatched eyes. "I'll be seme. Just you wait."

Doumeki decided he liked hearing Watanuki's voice, mellowed out and hoarse as it was from their first bout of sex, almost as much as when the slighter teen moaned out his name in the throes of passion. "I don't think calling me 'Shizu-chan' will help any, though."

Eyes already fluttering shut, Watanuki punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Oh, shut up."

- END -

Postscript: I was supposed to write a third vignette for this, but my sched is cramped until mid-September, and I'm a lazy git, so I won't. Anyone who is inspired by the muses can go ahead and post a continuation or an epilogue if they want. Feel free to keep the crack coming! And thank you for reading! â™¥