Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Anti Nostalgic ❯ Part 1, Chapter 8 (Hisoka) ( Chapter 8 )

Title: Anti-Nostalgic (Hisoka, Chapter 8)

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Watari/Hisoka

Warnings: Regular warnings…

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei belongs to the great Matsushita-sensei and if I butcher her name, it's out of love. Anti-Nostalgic is a song from Gravitation so that doesn't belong to me, either.

Notes: The last chapter in Hisoka's POV ^_^ (Finally… -_-) Tsuzuki's chapters will come out MUCH faster, I assure you since I have Hisoka's to base them off of, but there's more complicated stuff to write…argh…

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Anti-Nostalgic

By Elf Asato

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Just a few more days left…a few more days, I kept telling myself. Our vacation had become almost like work, only worse because there was nowhere to turn to for comfort. Tsuzuki and I largely avoided each other - he would go to the pool while I would stay inside and catch up on reading, maybe explore the town… The rare times we actually interacted, though, he tried to act like there wasn't really anything wrong. His "happiness" was strained.

Anyone could have seen through that.

On this particular day, though, I decided to read a new book I found at the library in the comfort of our hotel room while Tsuzuki spent the afternoon at the poolside. I probably should have been concerned that my partner was off by himself and I would have if I hadn't been able to watch him from the hotel window… Amongst the throngs of people sun tanning, I could always pick him out and that comforted me - even if he never wanted to see me again…if I could just watch him…

Today, though, I wouldn't allow my mind to worry over him - instead, I would pour my heart into these characters, the lives they lead, the conflicts they resolve… Being a speed-reader, I was about one-third into the novel when I heard a soft knock on the door.

Can't be Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki just comes right in…

Hesitantly I set my book down, careful to mark my place, and opened the door - only to have Watari's smiling face greet me.

"Oh…hi," I muttered. Not much of a greeting, eh?

"Hey, Bon!" he smiled brightly. His eyes and expression became serious, but he was still in a good mood as he asked hesitantly, "…May I come in?"

Silently I moved out of the way and gestured for him to come in, closing the door behind him when he did so. "Make yourself at home," I sighed as I chose to stand and lean against a wall.

Watari wasted no time. "So…I hear things are pretty strained between you and Tsuzuki, eh?" He faced me with such an honest and open expression.

"So you 'hear' things," I muttered as I glared at him, growing bitter at his word choice.

"Yeah," he admitted sheepishly, "I've…had a few talks with Tsuzuki…"

"Oh great," I groaned as I went and sat on my bed for some comfort. I had a bad, almost guilty feeling about what he was going to say…

Watari pulled out a chair from the small table in our room and sat in it, assuring me, "I'm really sorry about everything…"

"It's not your fault, it's mine," I sighed, looking off as I tried to avoid looking directly at him.

"No it's not," he said shortly. "It's…not really your fault that you can't control your empathy as well as we'd like you to."

I looked directly into his eyes, almost offended by that remark, but I softened when I felt nothing bitter it - he was just being honest with me.

I was about to say something when he continued, "…You know, Tsuzuki's really hurt, but he doesn't think you're to blame, either. He's just…trying to cope with a broken heart. Anyway, I just came here to say goodbye since my time off is almost up."

"Oh. See you at work, then," I said bluntly, drawing my knees up to my chest and hugging them slightly.

He just stared at me for a few seconds before smiling at me, gently. "You know…I wasn't lying when I told you that I loved you. I really do love you with my entire heart…but…I'd like to think that the only person who could really make you happy is Tsuzuki."

"Like hell that's ever going to happen now," I sighed dejectedly, surprised at my own words as I laid my chin on the tops of my knees. "Things are just too screwed up between us to be fixed…"

"If you two really wanted it to happen, you could make it work," he said, so softly that it was almost a whisper as he rested his elbow on the table and his chin in his hand. "He loves you dearly, I hope you know that."

I couldn't help rolling my eyes as I looked away. "Yeah right. How could he ever love me after being betrayed like that? He even told me he didn't want to love me anymore…"

"People say things they don't really mean when they're hurt," Watari offered as he gazed at me, his eyes smiling gently. "…They try to say hurtful things to cover the fact that they're in pain. …You of all people should know that, Bon."

"Say whatever the hell you wanna say and get out," I spat, glaring at him as those cheerful and loving eyes countered mine.

"I love you and I want to see you happy. Your happiness is mine," he stated simply as he rose up from the chair and pushed it in. "I'll be leaving now."

My mouth gaped open for words, anything, to come out…but not a sound was emitted. Instead the door opened and Tsuzuki calmly started to walk in, stopping, though, when he saw Watari. "Oh…hi," he squeaked, almost startled, "I just…never mind!" With that he turned to leave, but Watari's words made him stop.

"I was just telling Bon that I'm going back to work."

Tsuzuki almost paused before he smiled and tried to be cheerful, "Guess the office's peace and quiet is over, eh?"

Watari just laughed lightly and agreed, leaving shortly after bidding me a final goodbye.

I'll admit, I was almost saddened to see him leave since I could no longer distract myself from Tsuzuki's presence in the room. From spending afternoons by the pool, he developed quite a nice tan - after being horribly burned the first time, though - that was very distracting at times… I tried my hardest to ignore him as I crawled off my bed to grab my book, returning quickly, though, as soon as I had it. Opening up to where I left off, I started to read, becoming engrossed in the story again. So engrossed that I barely heard when Tsuzuki spoke to me. "…What?" I asked, taking my eyes off the captivating words and glancing up at him.

"I asked if it was a good book," he reiterated softly for my convenience as he stared out the window to the view below, watching kids play in the pool, I suppose.

"Yeah," I muttered, starting to read where I left off.

"What's it about?" he continued, interrupting my reading.

I sighed, annoyed if this was his attempt as conversation with me, "It's about this woman whose father was murdered and the police arrest her husband, so she tries to find the real killer."

Tsuzuki gazed light-heartedly into my eyes and actually smiled, "I think it's nice that the main character is a woman. It used to always be males who were the main characters in novels and short stories. What kind of person is she?"

"Uh…" I muttered as I tried to figure out why Tsuzuki was interested in this, "she seems to be strong and outspoken."

"Aw," he groaned, "they're always that way. Why can't someone shy be the main character for once? You never read about the shy people."

"Well, I'm sure that there are some stories that have someone shy as the main character. …But, someone shy isn't likely to initiate much action," I reasoned, recalling most of the books I've read.

"But…but…but," he stammered passionately, standing up for shy characters everywhere, "they could just…have all these things happen to them without really initiating anything…!"

"Well you can go write your own story about a shy woman as the main character who has stuff happen to her while I continue reading about an outspoken one who initiates action," I stated abruptly, turning back to my book. He didn't say anything for a while and I found myself curious as to what he was doing, so I nonchalantly glanced up - only to find him still at the window looking out, this time with a sad smile on his face. I set my eyes back to the words on the page, but with my empathy I reached out to feel him…

Mixed emotions, but foremost, frustration.

…The rest of the night and the next days after were relatively uneventful - occasionally we would attempt at conversation, but it always died off awkwardly. I should have been relieved that we didn't bicker even once…but our arguments were always comforting to me because it let me know that he cared.

Now I just don't know…

Sleep on the last night of our vacation was in particular fitful because of a nightmare I had about that night with Muraki under the sakura…but it wasn't like the rest of my nightmares. Usually, it lasts all night and I wake up feeling drained and slightly paranoid…but in the middle of the nightmare I had that night, everything was erased by a wave of kindness and replaced with dreams of better times: ice cream with Tsuzuki, shopping with Tsuzuki, working with Tsuzuki, just being there with Tsuzuki, just Tsuzuki…Tsuzuki.

Tsuzuki.

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~End of Part 1, Chapter 8~

Nebulous. That's my word to describe my train of thought while writing this… Anyway, sorry it's a little short, but it's the last chapter in Hisoka's part! Rejoice! From now on in the story, though, I'm going to have an actual beta reader (my good friend Val who I forced into this job ^_^) so hopefully no more grammatical errors! (Hopefully she'll continue to be my beta reader from here on out with all my stories if she can actually put up with me…)

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