Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ From Hisae, With Love... ❯ Entry 2 ( Chapter 2 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: yamigirl21 
Anime/Manga: Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.06.2006 | Updated On: 03.06.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 340 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Drama | Type: Continuation | Uploaded On: 03.06.2006 | Updated On: 03.06.2006 | Pages: 2 | Words: 5.6K | Visits: 340 | Status: Completed
Author's note: Hello again everyone! Yamigirl21 here. Wow! Thanks for coming back to try Entry 2 of my little Fanfic, “From Hisae, With Love.” Really, I do appreciate it! ^_^ Hmm…. It seems that there's not a whole lot for me to say this time around… ^^;. Just a few things, really…..
Like the last entry, the one below covers the next several pages of the manga, pertaining to Hisae's interactions with Tsuzuki; which also includes her introduction with Hisoka! Furthermore, given that Hisae wasn't developed very fully in the real story of “The Last Waltz,” I tried to delve a little deeper into her feelings myself, in hopes of making her more of a 3-dimensional character, so to speak. I also wanted it to be a bit more obvious why Tsuzuki was attracted to her and vice versa. Perhaps in some ways those two aren't so different after all? Or if they are, I like to think that there's an interesting contrast in terms of their personalities. :)
But aside from all that, I also know that Tsuzuki often tends to play the hero, wanting to save and protect rather than hurt and kill (which is one of the qualities that I really liked about him, actually….). Considering how much Hisae is struggling and hurting in her difficult position, I thought (even initially) that it was rather sweet and admirable that Tsuzuki was so determined to help her through it, despite the fact that he was originally instructed to take her from day one. But then, that's a story for a later installment….
Anyhow, it was said that Tsuzuki and Hisae were together for 2 weeks, and yet, the manga was a little ambiguous about the divisions of each individual day, so I decided to make my own interpretations in that respect. In addition, I also attempted to explain certain phrases and expressions that the characters exhibited. Though it would be helpful to reference the pages that I describe for more detail, it is my hope that what I've written is self-explanatory as is.
Lastly, for those of you that may not be particularly interested in this “Diary” like format that I have chosen for this fan fiction, let me assure you that I DO plan on including actual spoken dialogue; as soon as the next chapter actually! As a whole, I feel that these first few chapters have been more of a set up, a way to truly introduce the character of Hisae! Though I do plan to continue this story in a similar fashion, (in the manner of 1st person) I also intend on writing about various insightful and romantic scenes regarding Tsuzuki and Hisae; some that I hope will make their relationship a bit more significant, despite the fleeting nature of it all..... So hang in there everyone! I'll try my absolute best not to let anyone down, but please, if you do have any comments, questions or constructive critiques, do be sure to let me know, ok? Thanks! :) Here goes nothing….!
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Like the last entry, the one below covers the next several pages of the manga, pertaining to Hisae's interactions with Tsuzuki; which also includes her introduction with Hisoka! Furthermore, given that Hisae wasn't developed very fully in the real story of “The Last Waltz,” I tried to delve a little deeper into her feelings myself, in hopes of making her more of a 3-dimensional character, so to speak. I also wanted it to be a bit more obvious why Tsuzuki was attracted to her and vice versa. Perhaps in some ways those two aren't so different after all? Or if they are, I like to think that there's an interesting contrast in terms of their personalities. :)
But aside from all that, I also know that Tsuzuki often tends to play the hero, wanting to save and protect rather than hurt and kill (which is one of the qualities that I really liked about him, actually….). Considering how much Hisae is struggling and hurting in her difficult position, I thought (even initially) that it was rather sweet and admirable that Tsuzuki was so determined to help her through it, despite the fact that he was originally instructed to take her from day one. But then, that's a story for a later installment….
Anyhow, it was said that Tsuzuki and Hisae were together for 2 weeks, and yet, the manga was a little ambiguous about the divisions of each individual day, so I decided to make my own interpretations in that respect. In addition, I also attempted to explain certain phrases and expressions that the characters exhibited. Though it would be helpful to reference the pages that I describe for more detail, it is my hope that what I've written is self-explanatory as is.
Lastly, for those of you that may not be particularly interested in this “Diary” like format that I have chosen for this fan fiction, let me assure you that I DO plan on including actual spoken dialogue; as soon as the next chapter actually! As a whole, I feel that these first few chapters have been more of a set up, a way to truly introduce the character of Hisae! Though I do plan to continue this story in a similar fashion, (in the manner of 1st person) I also intend on writing about various insightful and romantic scenes regarding Tsuzuki and Hisae; some that I hope will make their relationship a bit more significant, despite the fleeting nature of it all..... So hang in there everyone! I'll try my absolute best not to let anyone down, but please, if you do have any comments, questions or constructive critiques, do be sure to let me know, ok? Thanks! :) Here goes nothing….!
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Hey there Diary,
It's me again. I came back! Just as I said I would. It's pretty late though….. It's already… (Wow!) a quarter to 2 in the morning! Crazy…. Even so, I'm feeling a bit restless at the moment. It's strange…. How did I know that that was going to happen? Didn't I tell you, Diary? Well, I guess it's not TOO surprising after that grueling rehearsal, for one thing…. Oh, don't worry… I won't even get into any of that! Knowing me, I'd only end up frustrating or depressing myself with how hard it keeps getting…. There I go…. It's happening already, isn't it? Seriously though… It's just not fair….
Before I continue, let me just say this clearly, ok? Yes. I know. I KNOW what I've been putting myself through, Diary! I am fully aware of the fact that, yeah, I HAVE been working myself into the ground! I'll even admit that that's probably true in the literal sense; as morbid as that may sound! I mean it's not like I haven't heard it all before! Doctors! Colleagues! Various….people today who will remain nameless!! It's like an irritating, mind-numbing damned broken record; one that I wish that I could just smash against the wall already!! But you know what? I don't care! I just don't care! Despite everything and anything, I'm still going to do this! I am going to dance in that competition and I AM going to win! I'll keep saying that over and over if I have to! Even if it means that I'm just trying to convince myself of that….
Really though Diary, what choice do I have? I'm the only one left after all…. And if this really is the last thing that I do, then I want to succeed… I HAVE to! Not only for Suo, for his sacrifices….but for our parents too…. I…. I want them all to be proud of me. I want the Tojyo name to mean something again! And though I may not be around to actually see any of that happen, I want our family to be remembered….especially since it seems like I really will be the last; the end of our line….if you want to get technical about it anyway….
Still…. despite all of this talk, this “tough-girl” attitude that I find myself clinging to, I also know that I don't have a lot of time left to guarantee any of that, Diary….. There's only….what….a week and 6 days left?! That's all!!!? Oh God! No! Is that really long enough?! Ok…. Ok….. Stop that, Hisae…. Breathe….. I have got to stop stressing! I mean, I am doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing; everything that's humanly possible…. Aren't I? Practicing, training, pushing myself above and beyond… Those efforts should pay off in the long run….right? That's what I want to believe anyway…. Yeah… I just need to have faith in that! But then again, I know that it isn't completely up to me. I mean no matter how you look at it, I guess I really have no other alternative but to rely on Mr. Tsuzuki, don't I, Diary? Hmm…. Mr. Tsuzuki, huh…..?
So yeah, this restless feeling that I'm having…. (Sorry Diary, it seems that I've gotten off topic, yet again!) Well, I suppose a part of it has to do with the exercise; the pumping adrenaline and all….. But aside from that, I'm feeling a bit…..pensive, for lack of a better word; a little uneasy even…. For I've just had another unexpected encounter with Mr. Tsuzuki, Diary; (Yeah! Just now; before I sat down to write this!) one which led to a rather awkward discussion….
Please, believe me when I say that I did NOT plan for that to happen, Diary! Really!!! I mean I was surprised that he was even still awake! Not only that, I was shocked to see that he was….taking care of a few things when found him….. At this insane hour… I still can't get over it…. But then, it's not like I can say too much about the time myself, being the night owl that I am! Even so, I really didn't expect that he'd be- Because I- Well, I suppose that I'm getting ahead of myself again too….. I did promise to finish telling you about everything that happened this afternoon, didn't I, Diary? Ok then. Let's see if I can summarize it for you; get you back up to speed and all…
Heh… So as I mentioned in my last entry, I…. gently persuaded Mr. Tsuzuki to partner with me in the competition. It's true that he showed some slight hesitation at first, (stuttering pathetic excuses that he was just “passing through,” sweating uncomfortably while loosening his tie; all which ended with him giving me that strained, nervous chuckling… O_o If that wasn't enough, for a minute there I thought he was actually going to cry about it, Diary!!) but as I mentioned before, I think that I got him to come around to my way of thinking in the end…. :P
Still, given the fact that Mr. Tsuzuki looked as if he really was going to start hyperventilating or something, I let him step outside for some fresh air. I don't know… Maybe he just needed a few minutes to process everything that I'd told him. I suppose that's understandable given the abruptness of it all. But even so, I made sure to keep an eye on him from the studio window, just in case he was intending to bolt! Ha! I'm telling you, Diary! He wouldn't have gotten very far if he had! I was more than willing to chase him down, tackle him; even club him if I needed to!! How's THAT for a role reversal?! And hey! I still had that broom out from my fight with Shiori after all! Luckily, it wasn't necessary for me to do any of those things, Diary…. Hmph! Lucky for him that is!!
Anyways, as I continued to watch Mr. Tsuzuki (who was still pouting and pacing around the front of the building [after a while he sort of slumped his back against the glass; admitting defeat I'd imagine]), I then noticed that a young boy had approached him! It took a moment for me to put 2 and 2 together, Diary, but from what I could tell, this kid had been waiting for him the whole time! Huh…. I haven't a clue why Mr. Tsuzuki neglected to mention him before though! I mean if they were just visiting, why didn't they just come in together? Weird…. Well, in the end, maybe it worked out for the best. ^^; Yeah…. I'm guessing that I probably would've felt even worse if both Mr. Tsuzuki AND this kid had had to witness my little freak out session… Ugh! I don't even want to think about that again!
Getting back to my story, those two were out there for quite a while actually. They were just standing there, talking….looking so….serious…. To tell you the truth, Diary, there was something about those expressions….something that triggered a cold chill in me, though I can't even begin to explain why…. Regardless, I couldn't really make out what they were saying from the inside, but I was able to interpret some of those expressions at least; a bit of their body language too. Maybe Mr. Tsuzuki was breaking the news to this kid that he would be staying a while? Perhaps the boy wasn't taking that well for some reason? I really don't know, Diary….. Oh well… Despite whatever that was about, I noticed then that the atmosphere between them had gradually begun to change, as the kid (who was looking more and more annoyed by the minute) started mouthing something to Mr. Tsuzuki with his hands on his hips!
Wow, talk about a complete 180, Diary! I actually got to see a grown man getting owned by a BOY, half his size! Can you believe that?! Seriously, that kid couldn't have been older than 16; if THAT even! Well, whatever…. Apparently the age gap doesn't seem to matter as far as those two are considered! O_o Heh, you really should have seen it, Diary! It actually kind of reminded me of those old American movies, those black and white silent comedy reels that Suo used to watch; well, minus the pie throwing or what not….. All I needed then was some upbeat piano music, some subtitles and a bag of popcorn and I would have been set! :P
But seriously, Diary, all that aside, I soon found the whole scene (the look of it anyway) to be eerily similar to my little talk with Mr. Tsuzuki….all the way down to those animated responses of his! You know, I can't help but wonder about him…. I mean I obviously don't know Mr. Tsuzuki yet, so I can't be sure, but as near as I can figure he most DEFINITELY seems to be the type that's easily manipulated… He's quite the pushover even! It's almost like he's got a big neon sign on his back that says, “Bully Me!” or “Harass Me!” Hmm… Do you think that everyone Mr. Tsuzuki meets feels that way, Diary? It's a pretty rare quality in a man these days (though just between you and me, Diary, I actually find it rather….refreshing in a goofy sort of way) but I can't help but think that an attitude like that will get him into trouble someday…. It's just a feeling, really….
Well, in regards to that kid at least, it's a good thing that Mr. Tsuzuki wasn't wearing an ACTUAL sign; one saying “Kick Me,” or something! ^^; I got the distinct impression that his little friend would have SURELY taken advantage of it if he had!! But yeah, sorry about that Diary, I think that I'm just amusing myself now. :P
It was around that time that I caught sight of Will, who was wobbling (and sniffing?) down the sidewalk! Phew…. How relieved I was, Diary! I mean I know that Will likes to come and go as he pleases (and I'm not usually too concerned about that, given that he always seems to find his way home and all) but it had been days since I'd last seen him!! I….guess I was starting to get a little scared…..that maybe something had happened to him too, you know? But what can I do…? Even when I try to keep him inside, (for his own safety and all) I get yet another reminder of how well, willful he is, no pun intended. ^^; And for such an old dog too….!
I don't know Diary…. Maybe Suo really was the only one who could figure out what makes Will tick, but me? Yeah…. My comprehension of his inner workings is sketchy at best! I AM pretty sure that Will hates being confined! And no matter what I do, or where I put him, he always always seems to find a way to run off! The little escape artist…. But then, he has been that way for as long as I can remember…. Go figure…..
Anyway, maybe I am worrying over nothing (other than dancing, it's what I do best after all…) but given what happened to Suo…..that speeding car…. I just….don't think that I could handle it if I lost Will too….. Don't worry though, Diary. I'm trying my best not to think about it TOO much. I mean it's not like I don't have a million other things occupying my mind right now, you know?
As I was saying, when I had rushed out to meet Will, I was a bit taken a back to see how forward he was with Mr. Tsuzuki too Diary! (Is he starting to take after me now?!) I mean Will practically POUNCED on him without any warning! Heh, for like the umpteenth time, Mr. Tsuzuki totally spazzed out over it too! Really, it's like it's his instinctive reaction to everything! :P In all fairness though, I'm guessing that he thought that Will was going to attack him or something, but instead….the most amazing thing happened! He greeted Mr. Tsuzuki with such enthusiasm and affection, as if he'd known him for years! God! It was so much like…..when he would rush to meet Suo when he came home…..
It's strange….but I guess it's a good thing for Will to show interest in someone again. I mean I really do think that he misses Suo as much as I do, so….. Still, I can't help but wonder what makes Mr. Tsuzuki so different…. When I mentioned this to him and the boy, I listened as they came up with their own speculations about it; though to be honest, I didn't really get what the kid meant when he said something about Mr. Tsuzuki's “age” being a factor. Huh…. Well, anyway, I'm just going to take it as a good omen and leave it that I guess…. I mean if Will likes him that much, maybe that means that Mr. Tsuzuki won't let me down….?
So yeah, moving right along (Er…. Am I starting to ramble now? What am I, stalling?! Ugh, I'll have to ponder that later I guess…. ><) it was then that I finally got around to approaching Mr. Tsuzuki's companion, despite the fact that I was almost distracted by his now evident and automatic panic over not introducing us himself! :P But you know, I think I was a little hesitant (even a bit wary) to do so anyway; maybe because of how….temperamental he looked when they were talking alone? Regardless of those reservations, I was actually pleasantly surprised at how respectful and mannerly he was towards me! With a slight bow, he told me that he was Mr. Tsuzuki's little brother Hisoka and that he had come to take him home.
I felt a little better about talking to him at that point, so I explained what I had in store for his older brother. I also figured that if there were any hard feeling about the situation that maybe it would be a little easier for him to understand if it came from me. Hey, I even offered to let him stay too, if he wanted! I mean it's not like this place is short of room with just me and Will here now…. As a last resort to smooth things over, I told Hisoka that I would take him to the park one of these days too, if he was interested that. Since he did ultimately agree to stay with us, I thought that it might be nice to have the option to go somewhere for fun; to do…..whatever it is that kids do these days to enjoy themselves!
Oh wow….. Listen to me! I sounded like an old lady or something for a minute there! >< But then, even though I'm technically only about 3 or 4 years older than Mr. Tsuzuki's little brother, I guess I've never really felt my age, you know? Maybe it's because mom and dad died when I was so young and all, and other than relying on Suo of course, I did have to learn to take care of myself; to take at least some of the burden off my brother…..
I guess the bottom line is that I had to grow up fast…. In some ways I feel as if I've lived a long long time, but in others- I don't know, Diary….. Somehow this brings me back to all of those damned medical problems of mine, the CONSTANT reminder of how short life is, or rather will be for ME! Oh no! We can't forget about THAT now, can we?! Screw it…. I don't want to talk about it anymore, Diary…..
But ah yes! Instead, this seems like a FINE time to talk about the main event of this after noon's little drama! Oh boy! Can't you just feel the suspense!? (In case you're curious, Diary; that would be sarcasm you're hearing….!) Oh, all right then! Just give me a minute here, Diary…. Let me take a deep breath…..
Ok! So when I allowed both Mr. Tsuzuki and Hisoka enough time to get settled in (other than mine, I gave them free reign to choose any room that they wanted) I then asked Mr. Tsuzuki to meet me in the studio so that I could determine what I had to work with. You know, in terms of his abilities, strengths, weaknesses….. In all honesty Diary, I didn't expect much (no one's THAT lucky, least of all me!) so I was prepared for the possibility that I would have to teach him everything from scratch. (Hey, I DID teach that little ingrate Shiori, if you recall!)
But yeah, wow! I have to admit that I was pretty impressed with what Mr. Tsuzuki did know!! I mean it was obvious that he'd received the proper instruction at some point or another (when I asked him about it, he told me that it was his sister who had taught him in the past)! He knew how to allow the music to carry him, guide his motions, how to improvise, even the terminology! There was no doubt about it Diary! Mr. Tsuzuki KNEW how to waltz! It's true, that he's a little rough around the edges, (maybe it's been a few years?) but that was more than I could have dared to hope for! You know, I was actually feeling pretty good about our chances of winning that competition (though I'll confess that at that moment my reason for wanting to had more to do with SOCKING it to Shiori than anything else! ><)! But yeah! I had high hopes! I was optimistic….that is until Mr. Tsuzuki shot down that confidence…! Oh, there it goes….!! I'm getting that rhythm again, Diary……! You know, I just wanted to- ARGH!!
So here's the thing; (and I even mentioned some of this to you earlier Diary!) according to the sudden EXPERT, though my “technique is flawless,” I supposedly “don't share the dance,” (Ah! There's that memorable quote again!) and THAT is the reason that we'd have difficulty winning! I mean what the hell!!!!?
YEAH! That IS what Mr. Tsuzuki said, Diary! And it wasn't JUST that he had the audacity to say such a thing to ME but he sounded so pompous, so egotistical, so…..SURE! (Looking back at it, it was actually pretty bizarre, given the way that he behaved before…. I mean he was just so…..different!) But get this! If that wasn't enough, he then started talking about teaching me, oh no, wait! He said that he COULDN'T teach me that; that it was “impossible!!” Ha ha! How classic was that Diary!!!
If it isn't already “hit-you-in-the face” obvious, I felt myself getting pretty PISSED OFF by then (It was almost like he was provoking me, baiting me….!). But now now, I TRIED to remain calm; to give him a chance to explain himself (after a very LOUD reminder that we were running out of time, that is!) But oh oh! To top it all off, the final straw that triggered “second impact” was his advice that I “dance like I want him!” I mean of course it was! What else could it have been?! You remember that too, don't you Diary?!!
Suffice to say, I'd had enough!! I just GRABBED the first thing at arms length, (which sadly happened to be yet another one of my plants ><) and hurled it at him in a huff!! I didn't even care WHERE I'd hit him or even if he was injured because of it! I just….had to get away! And FAST!! Before I- Hmph! I don't even know, Diary!!
But yeah… I guess that more or less concludes what happened during the day, at least. When it was all over, I pretty much boarded myself up in here (after a rather FORCEFUL slamming of the door, anyway!). Given my mood, I certainly wasn't up for dealing with anything or anyone else (not even who ever it was that tried to call me on the phone, a few minutes later….)! I paced around the room a bit, curled myself up in bed, and just…thought about a lot of things…. When I was calm enough, I then started to write my last entry to you, Diary…. I mean, after all, I thought that if anyone could make me feel better, you could….
I didn't leave the room again, either. Well, not until later in the evening, as you well know…. I just couldn't face him…. I couldn't even LOOK at Mr. Tsuzuki again after that! But then, for all I knew, he and his brother Hisoka might have already taken off; by the time I even got up to my room….! I mean I wouldn't have put it past him!
I found out later that they hadn't left though…. In fact, Mr. Tsuzuki actually tried pleading outside my door, trying to “persuade” me with an offer to sample his “home cooking,” one of his supposed “famous recipes…?” Oddly enough, his attempts were QUICKLY shot down by that kid, Hisoka, and I listened briefly as they argued about it outside my door (before I finally buried my head in a pillow anyway)! When that didn't work, Mr. Tsuzuki apparently sent his brother up (about a half an hour or so later…) with some take out or something; food that he left for me on the floor when I wouldn't answer…..
Though I wasn't up for saying it then, I was actually pretty glad that they hadn't taken off, Diary….. I mean I most definitely wasn't thinking about the long term, (the competition and all) when I did storm off, you know? Maybe I did overreact a little….but even so!! I think that I had a pretty good reason to get as worked up as I did!
And why, do you ask? Well….aside from the obvious, (and this is for YOUR ears only Diary!) I think the whole thing kind of hit a little too close to home; and that's on MANY levels….. I mean Mr. Tsuzuki even upset me more than Shiori did, and as you saw from earlier, that was pretty intense in and of itself!! Hmm…. How do I put this….?
Well, first of all, (and I sure as hell wasn't going to admit this to Mr. Tsuzuki then!) some of what he said was frighteningly similar to what Suo used to say about the way that I dance…. It's something that I could never understand either…. Let's see now…. To break it down for you, I think that Suo was a bit of a romantic when it came to the way he perceived dancing in general, Diary. Even when we would watch others perform, (local competitions, national events, TV….) he would often point out how much “emotion” or “heart” that he could feel when he would study a certain couple's movements. And because of that, he used to tell me that no matter how good I was; that if I couldn't or WOULDN'T try to find that one person that I could really “synchronize” or “connect” with, then I would never really be able to make it as a professional dancer myself!
It was something like that anyway…. I may not have used the exact phrasing or whatever that Suo did, but you get the idea, right? To be completely honest though….. I never really took it too well when Suo used to say that to me either, Diary…. I mean don't get me wrong! I DID value and respect his opinions! Especially given his talent for running this place! He knew absolutely EVERYTHING about the world of dancing! But when it came to that subject, I just used to think that he was being a meddling older brother; giving me grief about not having a boyfriend or something myself, you know? But getting back to Mr. Tsuzuki, I think it was a little hard for me digest that he could see (and say!) that too; and after only one dance…..? What does that mean, Diary….?
Hmm…. I guess that leads me to the second reason that I got upset…. As you know, Diary, I don't have any experience with men…. In my whole life, there just never seemed to be any time for that! I…I mean, I had obligations, after all! I had to think about my family, about Suo, and what he gave up for me! Hey, he didn't have anyone in his life either, Diary! He never will now…. I guess…I just never felt that it was fair for me to find someone when he was so busy trying to make sure that I was taken care of, you know? It was always about me Diary…. God! He was so selfless…..! And that's why I have to do this…. Now it's my turn to think only of him….
And yet…. I have to admit (though I never told Suo this) that I've at least thought about it….. What it would be like…having a real relationship, having someone at your side when you wake up in the morning, loving someone…. But then what woman doesn't think about that, Diary? Still…. I think a part of me always felt a little conflicted about it too…. Please don't misunderstand me, Diary! I was grateful to have Suo with me; I can't EVEN begin to tell you! But….he was never able to make that feeling go away…. Sorry, Diary…. That probably doesn't make any sense either; much like most of what I've written….-_-; But really, in regards to this anyway, how CAN you miss something that you've never had….?
Getting back to my original point though, I think Mr. Tsuzuki just hit a nerve, one that I evidently couldn't handle! I felt that he was mocking me or something…..that or he was just SHOCKINGLY accurate with his assumptions, so much so that it made me both uncomfortable AND angry……! That's all I can really say about it…. Maybe I'll be able to explain it a bit better when I can figure it out myself…..><
But anyway….. Yeah… Wow…. I think you're really going to hate me for doing this to you, Diary, but I think I'm going to call it a night for now. I know! I know! I DID say that I was going to tell you about what happened with Mr. Tsuzuki a little while ago, but I just….can't….. It's just too much for me right now, especially after getting so deep with you about everything else! It's VERY late and I'm just….so…tired….. Will you forgive me, old friend?
Ok! How about this? Before I do ANYTHING else tomorrow, I'll start the day off by telling you what happened tonight. I won't leave anything out! And then, if anything else happens that's worth mentioning, I'll fill you in later in the evening, just like I did today…er…yesterday. How does that sound?
Before I go, let me just say….thanks, Diary. I know I always say that when I'm about to finish these entries but really, it means so much to me that I can come to you about anything; that I can trust you with all of these muddled feelings of mine! I know that it can be a lot to deal with…. So yeah…. Thank you my friend. Thank you….
Good night now…. And I'll see you first thing in the morning. I promise…..
Love,
Hisae Tojyo
Before I continue, let me just say this clearly, ok? Yes. I know. I KNOW what I've been putting myself through, Diary! I am fully aware of the fact that, yeah, I HAVE been working myself into the ground! I'll even admit that that's probably true in the literal sense; as morbid as that may sound! I mean it's not like I haven't heard it all before! Doctors! Colleagues! Various….people today who will remain nameless!! It's like an irritating, mind-numbing damned broken record; one that I wish that I could just smash against the wall already!! But you know what? I don't care! I just don't care! Despite everything and anything, I'm still going to do this! I am going to dance in that competition and I AM going to win! I'll keep saying that over and over if I have to! Even if it means that I'm just trying to convince myself of that….
Really though Diary, what choice do I have? I'm the only one left after all…. And if this really is the last thing that I do, then I want to succeed… I HAVE to! Not only for Suo, for his sacrifices….but for our parents too…. I…. I want them all to be proud of me. I want the Tojyo name to mean something again! And though I may not be around to actually see any of that happen, I want our family to be remembered….especially since it seems like I really will be the last; the end of our line….if you want to get technical about it anyway….
Still…. despite all of this talk, this “tough-girl” attitude that I find myself clinging to, I also know that I don't have a lot of time left to guarantee any of that, Diary….. There's only….what….a week and 6 days left?! That's all!!!? Oh God! No! Is that really long enough?! Ok…. Ok….. Stop that, Hisae…. Breathe….. I have got to stop stressing! I mean, I am doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing; everything that's humanly possible…. Aren't I? Practicing, training, pushing myself above and beyond… Those efforts should pay off in the long run….right? That's what I want to believe anyway…. Yeah… I just need to have faith in that! But then again, I know that it isn't completely up to me. I mean no matter how you look at it, I guess I really have no other alternative but to rely on Mr. Tsuzuki, don't I, Diary? Hmm…. Mr. Tsuzuki, huh…..?
So yeah, this restless feeling that I'm having…. (Sorry Diary, it seems that I've gotten off topic, yet again!) Well, I suppose a part of it has to do with the exercise; the pumping adrenaline and all….. But aside from that, I'm feeling a bit…..pensive, for lack of a better word; a little uneasy even…. For I've just had another unexpected encounter with Mr. Tsuzuki, Diary; (Yeah! Just now; before I sat down to write this!) one which led to a rather awkward discussion….
Please, believe me when I say that I did NOT plan for that to happen, Diary! Really!!! I mean I was surprised that he was even still awake! Not only that, I was shocked to see that he was….taking care of a few things when found him….. At this insane hour… I still can't get over it…. But then, it's not like I can say too much about the time myself, being the night owl that I am! Even so, I really didn't expect that he'd be- Because I- Well, I suppose that I'm getting ahead of myself again too….. I did promise to finish telling you about everything that happened this afternoon, didn't I, Diary? Ok then. Let's see if I can summarize it for you; get you back up to speed and all…
Heh… So as I mentioned in my last entry, I…. gently persuaded Mr. Tsuzuki to partner with me in the competition. It's true that he showed some slight hesitation at first, (stuttering pathetic excuses that he was just “passing through,” sweating uncomfortably while loosening his tie; all which ended with him giving me that strained, nervous chuckling… O_o If that wasn't enough, for a minute there I thought he was actually going to cry about it, Diary!!) but as I mentioned before, I think that I got him to come around to my way of thinking in the end…. :P
Still, given the fact that Mr. Tsuzuki looked as if he really was going to start hyperventilating or something, I let him step outside for some fresh air. I don't know… Maybe he just needed a few minutes to process everything that I'd told him. I suppose that's understandable given the abruptness of it all. But even so, I made sure to keep an eye on him from the studio window, just in case he was intending to bolt! Ha! I'm telling you, Diary! He wouldn't have gotten very far if he had! I was more than willing to chase him down, tackle him; even club him if I needed to!! How's THAT for a role reversal?! And hey! I still had that broom out from my fight with Shiori after all! Luckily, it wasn't necessary for me to do any of those things, Diary…. Hmph! Lucky for him that is!!
Anyways, as I continued to watch Mr. Tsuzuki (who was still pouting and pacing around the front of the building [after a while he sort of slumped his back against the glass; admitting defeat I'd imagine]), I then noticed that a young boy had approached him! It took a moment for me to put 2 and 2 together, Diary, but from what I could tell, this kid had been waiting for him the whole time! Huh…. I haven't a clue why Mr. Tsuzuki neglected to mention him before though! I mean if they were just visiting, why didn't they just come in together? Weird…. Well, in the end, maybe it worked out for the best. ^^; Yeah…. I'm guessing that I probably would've felt even worse if both Mr. Tsuzuki AND this kid had had to witness my little freak out session… Ugh! I don't even want to think about that again!
Getting back to my story, those two were out there for quite a while actually. They were just standing there, talking….looking so….serious…. To tell you the truth, Diary, there was something about those expressions….something that triggered a cold chill in me, though I can't even begin to explain why…. Regardless, I couldn't really make out what they were saying from the inside, but I was able to interpret some of those expressions at least; a bit of their body language too. Maybe Mr. Tsuzuki was breaking the news to this kid that he would be staying a while? Perhaps the boy wasn't taking that well for some reason? I really don't know, Diary….. Oh well… Despite whatever that was about, I noticed then that the atmosphere between them had gradually begun to change, as the kid (who was looking more and more annoyed by the minute) started mouthing something to Mr. Tsuzuki with his hands on his hips!
Wow, talk about a complete 180, Diary! I actually got to see a grown man getting owned by a BOY, half his size! Can you believe that?! Seriously, that kid couldn't have been older than 16; if THAT even! Well, whatever…. Apparently the age gap doesn't seem to matter as far as those two are considered! O_o Heh, you really should have seen it, Diary! It actually kind of reminded me of those old American movies, those black and white silent comedy reels that Suo used to watch; well, minus the pie throwing or what not….. All I needed then was some upbeat piano music, some subtitles and a bag of popcorn and I would have been set! :P
But seriously, Diary, all that aside, I soon found the whole scene (the look of it anyway) to be eerily similar to my little talk with Mr. Tsuzuki….all the way down to those animated responses of his! You know, I can't help but wonder about him…. I mean I obviously don't know Mr. Tsuzuki yet, so I can't be sure, but as near as I can figure he most DEFINITELY seems to be the type that's easily manipulated… He's quite the pushover even! It's almost like he's got a big neon sign on his back that says, “Bully Me!” or “Harass Me!” Hmm… Do you think that everyone Mr. Tsuzuki meets feels that way, Diary? It's a pretty rare quality in a man these days (though just between you and me, Diary, I actually find it rather….refreshing in a goofy sort of way) but I can't help but think that an attitude like that will get him into trouble someday…. It's just a feeling, really….
Well, in regards to that kid at least, it's a good thing that Mr. Tsuzuki wasn't wearing an ACTUAL sign; one saying “Kick Me,” or something! ^^; I got the distinct impression that his little friend would have SURELY taken advantage of it if he had!! But yeah, sorry about that Diary, I think that I'm just amusing myself now. :P
It was around that time that I caught sight of Will, who was wobbling (and sniffing?) down the sidewalk! Phew…. How relieved I was, Diary! I mean I know that Will likes to come and go as he pleases (and I'm not usually too concerned about that, given that he always seems to find his way home and all) but it had been days since I'd last seen him!! I….guess I was starting to get a little scared…..that maybe something had happened to him too, you know? But what can I do…? Even when I try to keep him inside, (for his own safety and all) I get yet another reminder of how well, willful he is, no pun intended. ^^; And for such an old dog too….!
I don't know Diary…. Maybe Suo really was the only one who could figure out what makes Will tick, but me? Yeah…. My comprehension of his inner workings is sketchy at best! I AM pretty sure that Will hates being confined! And no matter what I do, or where I put him, he always always seems to find a way to run off! The little escape artist…. But then, he has been that way for as long as I can remember…. Go figure…..
Anyway, maybe I am worrying over nothing (other than dancing, it's what I do best after all…) but given what happened to Suo…..that speeding car…. I just….don't think that I could handle it if I lost Will too….. Don't worry though, Diary. I'm trying my best not to think about it TOO much. I mean it's not like I don't have a million other things occupying my mind right now, you know?
As I was saying, when I had rushed out to meet Will, I was a bit taken a back to see how forward he was with Mr. Tsuzuki too Diary! (Is he starting to take after me now?!) I mean Will practically POUNCED on him without any warning! Heh, for like the umpteenth time, Mr. Tsuzuki totally spazzed out over it too! Really, it's like it's his instinctive reaction to everything! :P In all fairness though, I'm guessing that he thought that Will was going to attack him or something, but instead….the most amazing thing happened! He greeted Mr. Tsuzuki with such enthusiasm and affection, as if he'd known him for years! God! It was so much like…..when he would rush to meet Suo when he came home…..
It's strange….but I guess it's a good thing for Will to show interest in someone again. I mean I really do think that he misses Suo as much as I do, so….. Still, I can't help but wonder what makes Mr. Tsuzuki so different…. When I mentioned this to him and the boy, I listened as they came up with their own speculations about it; though to be honest, I didn't really get what the kid meant when he said something about Mr. Tsuzuki's “age” being a factor. Huh…. Well, anyway, I'm just going to take it as a good omen and leave it that I guess…. I mean if Will likes him that much, maybe that means that Mr. Tsuzuki won't let me down….?
So yeah, moving right along (Er…. Am I starting to ramble now? What am I, stalling?! Ugh, I'll have to ponder that later I guess…. ><) it was then that I finally got around to approaching Mr. Tsuzuki's companion, despite the fact that I was almost distracted by his now evident and automatic panic over not introducing us himself! :P But you know, I think I was a little hesitant (even a bit wary) to do so anyway; maybe because of how….temperamental he looked when they were talking alone? Regardless of those reservations, I was actually pleasantly surprised at how respectful and mannerly he was towards me! With a slight bow, he told me that he was Mr. Tsuzuki's little brother Hisoka and that he had come to take him home.
I felt a little better about talking to him at that point, so I explained what I had in store for his older brother. I also figured that if there were any hard feeling about the situation that maybe it would be a little easier for him to understand if it came from me. Hey, I even offered to let him stay too, if he wanted! I mean it's not like this place is short of room with just me and Will here now…. As a last resort to smooth things over, I told Hisoka that I would take him to the park one of these days too, if he was interested that. Since he did ultimately agree to stay with us, I thought that it might be nice to have the option to go somewhere for fun; to do…..whatever it is that kids do these days to enjoy themselves!
Oh wow….. Listen to me! I sounded like an old lady or something for a minute there! >< But then, even though I'm technically only about 3 or 4 years older than Mr. Tsuzuki's little brother, I guess I've never really felt my age, you know? Maybe it's because mom and dad died when I was so young and all, and other than relying on Suo of course, I did have to learn to take care of myself; to take at least some of the burden off my brother…..
I guess the bottom line is that I had to grow up fast…. In some ways I feel as if I've lived a long long time, but in others- I don't know, Diary….. Somehow this brings me back to all of those damned medical problems of mine, the CONSTANT reminder of how short life is, or rather will be for ME! Oh no! We can't forget about THAT now, can we?! Screw it…. I don't want to talk about it anymore, Diary…..
But ah yes! Instead, this seems like a FINE time to talk about the main event of this after noon's little drama! Oh boy! Can't you just feel the suspense!? (In case you're curious, Diary; that would be sarcasm you're hearing….!) Oh, all right then! Just give me a minute here, Diary…. Let me take a deep breath…..
Ok! So when I allowed both Mr. Tsuzuki and Hisoka enough time to get settled in (other than mine, I gave them free reign to choose any room that they wanted) I then asked Mr. Tsuzuki to meet me in the studio so that I could determine what I had to work with. You know, in terms of his abilities, strengths, weaknesses….. In all honesty Diary, I didn't expect much (no one's THAT lucky, least of all me!) so I was prepared for the possibility that I would have to teach him everything from scratch. (Hey, I DID teach that little ingrate Shiori, if you recall!)
But yeah, wow! I have to admit that I was pretty impressed with what Mr. Tsuzuki did know!! I mean it was obvious that he'd received the proper instruction at some point or another (when I asked him about it, he told me that it was his sister who had taught him in the past)! He knew how to allow the music to carry him, guide his motions, how to improvise, even the terminology! There was no doubt about it Diary! Mr. Tsuzuki KNEW how to waltz! It's true, that he's a little rough around the edges, (maybe it's been a few years?) but that was more than I could have dared to hope for! You know, I was actually feeling pretty good about our chances of winning that competition (though I'll confess that at that moment my reason for wanting to had more to do with SOCKING it to Shiori than anything else! ><)! But yeah! I had high hopes! I was optimistic….that is until Mr. Tsuzuki shot down that confidence…! Oh, there it goes….!! I'm getting that rhythm again, Diary……! You know, I just wanted to- ARGH!!
So here's the thing; (and I even mentioned some of this to you earlier Diary!) according to the sudden EXPERT, though my “technique is flawless,” I supposedly “don't share the dance,” (Ah! There's that memorable quote again!) and THAT is the reason that we'd have difficulty winning! I mean what the hell!!!!?
YEAH! That IS what Mr. Tsuzuki said, Diary! And it wasn't JUST that he had the audacity to say such a thing to ME but he sounded so pompous, so egotistical, so…..SURE! (Looking back at it, it was actually pretty bizarre, given the way that he behaved before…. I mean he was just so…..different!) But get this! If that wasn't enough, he then started talking about teaching me, oh no, wait! He said that he COULDN'T teach me that; that it was “impossible!!” Ha ha! How classic was that Diary!!!
If it isn't already “hit-you-in-the face” obvious, I felt myself getting pretty PISSED OFF by then (It was almost like he was provoking me, baiting me….!). But now now, I TRIED to remain calm; to give him a chance to explain himself (after a very LOUD reminder that we were running out of time, that is!) But oh oh! To top it all off, the final straw that triggered “second impact” was his advice that I “dance like I want him!” I mean of course it was! What else could it have been?! You remember that too, don't you Diary?!!
Suffice to say, I'd had enough!! I just GRABBED the first thing at arms length, (which sadly happened to be yet another one of my plants ><) and hurled it at him in a huff!! I didn't even care WHERE I'd hit him or even if he was injured because of it! I just….had to get away! And FAST!! Before I- Hmph! I don't even know, Diary!!
But yeah… I guess that more or less concludes what happened during the day, at least. When it was all over, I pretty much boarded myself up in here (after a rather FORCEFUL slamming of the door, anyway!). Given my mood, I certainly wasn't up for dealing with anything or anyone else (not even who ever it was that tried to call me on the phone, a few minutes later….)! I paced around the room a bit, curled myself up in bed, and just…thought about a lot of things…. When I was calm enough, I then started to write my last entry to you, Diary…. I mean, after all, I thought that if anyone could make me feel better, you could….
I didn't leave the room again, either. Well, not until later in the evening, as you well know…. I just couldn't face him…. I couldn't even LOOK at Mr. Tsuzuki again after that! But then, for all I knew, he and his brother Hisoka might have already taken off; by the time I even got up to my room….! I mean I wouldn't have put it past him!
I found out later that they hadn't left though…. In fact, Mr. Tsuzuki actually tried pleading outside my door, trying to “persuade” me with an offer to sample his “home cooking,” one of his supposed “famous recipes…?” Oddly enough, his attempts were QUICKLY shot down by that kid, Hisoka, and I listened briefly as they argued about it outside my door (before I finally buried my head in a pillow anyway)! When that didn't work, Mr. Tsuzuki apparently sent his brother up (about a half an hour or so later…) with some take out or something; food that he left for me on the floor when I wouldn't answer…..
Though I wasn't up for saying it then, I was actually pretty glad that they hadn't taken off, Diary….. I mean I most definitely wasn't thinking about the long term, (the competition and all) when I did storm off, you know? Maybe I did overreact a little….but even so!! I think that I had a pretty good reason to get as worked up as I did!
And why, do you ask? Well….aside from the obvious, (and this is for YOUR ears only Diary!) I think the whole thing kind of hit a little too close to home; and that's on MANY levels….. I mean Mr. Tsuzuki even upset me more than Shiori did, and as you saw from earlier, that was pretty intense in and of itself!! Hmm…. How do I put this….?
Well, first of all, (and I sure as hell wasn't going to admit this to Mr. Tsuzuki then!) some of what he said was frighteningly similar to what Suo used to say about the way that I dance…. It's something that I could never understand either…. Let's see now…. To break it down for you, I think that Suo was a bit of a romantic when it came to the way he perceived dancing in general, Diary. Even when we would watch others perform, (local competitions, national events, TV….) he would often point out how much “emotion” or “heart” that he could feel when he would study a certain couple's movements. And because of that, he used to tell me that no matter how good I was; that if I couldn't or WOULDN'T try to find that one person that I could really “synchronize” or “connect” with, then I would never really be able to make it as a professional dancer myself!
It was something like that anyway…. I may not have used the exact phrasing or whatever that Suo did, but you get the idea, right? To be completely honest though….. I never really took it too well when Suo used to say that to me either, Diary…. I mean don't get me wrong! I DID value and respect his opinions! Especially given his talent for running this place! He knew absolutely EVERYTHING about the world of dancing! But when it came to that subject, I just used to think that he was being a meddling older brother; giving me grief about not having a boyfriend or something myself, you know? But getting back to Mr. Tsuzuki, I think it was a little hard for me digest that he could see (and say!) that too; and after only one dance…..? What does that mean, Diary….?
Hmm…. I guess that leads me to the second reason that I got upset…. As you know, Diary, I don't have any experience with men…. In my whole life, there just never seemed to be any time for that! I…I mean, I had obligations, after all! I had to think about my family, about Suo, and what he gave up for me! Hey, he didn't have anyone in his life either, Diary! He never will now…. I guess…I just never felt that it was fair for me to find someone when he was so busy trying to make sure that I was taken care of, you know? It was always about me Diary…. God! He was so selfless…..! And that's why I have to do this…. Now it's my turn to think only of him….
And yet…. I have to admit (though I never told Suo this) that I've at least thought about it….. What it would be like…having a real relationship, having someone at your side when you wake up in the morning, loving someone…. But then what woman doesn't think about that, Diary? Still…. I think a part of me always felt a little conflicted about it too…. Please don't misunderstand me, Diary! I was grateful to have Suo with me; I can't EVEN begin to tell you! But….he was never able to make that feeling go away…. Sorry, Diary…. That probably doesn't make any sense either; much like most of what I've written….-_-; But really, in regards to this anyway, how CAN you miss something that you've never had….?
Getting back to my original point though, I think Mr. Tsuzuki just hit a nerve, one that I evidently couldn't handle! I felt that he was mocking me or something…..that or he was just SHOCKINGLY accurate with his assumptions, so much so that it made me both uncomfortable AND angry……! That's all I can really say about it…. Maybe I'll be able to explain it a bit better when I can figure it out myself…..><
But anyway….. Yeah… Wow…. I think you're really going to hate me for doing this to you, Diary, but I think I'm going to call it a night for now. I know! I know! I DID say that I was going to tell you about what happened with Mr. Tsuzuki a little while ago, but I just….can't….. It's just too much for me right now, especially after getting so deep with you about everything else! It's VERY late and I'm just….so…tired….. Will you forgive me, old friend?
Ok! How about this? Before I do ANYTHING else tomorrow, I'll start the day off by telling you what happened tonight. I won't leave anything out! And then, if anything else happens that's worth mentioning, I'll fill you in later in the evening, just like I did today…er…yesterday. How does that sound?
Before I go, let me just say….thanks, Diary. I know I always say that when I'm about to finish these entries but really, it means so much to me that I can come to you about anything; that I can trust you with all of these muddled feelings of mine! I know that it can be a lot to deal with…. So yeah…. Thank you my friend. Thank you….
Good night now…. And I'll see you first thing in the morning. I promise…..
Love,
Hisae Tojyo
3:16 am