Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Heart to Heart ❯ Part one - Confession ( Chapter 1 )

Author's notes: Here's part one. Again, feedback and critiques are welcomed. Not much to say as it was said in the prologue.

Enjoy. ^_^

Part 1 - Confession

'Why did I EVER agree to this!?' Hisoka asked to himself for perhaps the tenth time tonight. His gaze wandered over to the person next to him, whose head was slumped on the table, his lips slightly parted. A lop-sided grin was the reply to his gaze and Hisoka felt the heat rise to his cheeks before he stared back into the glass in front of him.

Normally, if Tsuzuki asked him out to go drinking, he would instantly say 'no' (Experiences in the past with any kind of alcoholic drink rubbed off on him) and tried to change his partner's mind. Usually, the result lead to a lot of pouting and Tsuzuki would either back out or he would go ask Tatsumi or Watari to come with him, which was becoming more and more frequent as of late. However, tonight seemed to be the exception to this.

Tsuzuki walked up to him that evening and asked him to accompany him. The words instantly out of his mouth were 'no'. And the same ritual began again. Only this time, Tsuzuki seemed intent on singling him out. Hisoka told him to go ask Tatsumi or Watari to go with him. He answered that both were going to be working well after hours and he didn't want to go alone. He resorted to begging, but Hisoka continued to ignore him. After about twenty minutes of hearing 'Please Hisoka!' he reluctantly gave in.

Recently, though, he noticed a pattern of change in his partner's habits. Before, Tsuzuki casually went out to drink, usually, he would have some sort of wine or sake with his meals, but it was always a glass or two. Tsuzuki did drink heavily at times, but he never drank to the point where he was going to pass out or where, more than likely, he wouldn't be able to take two steps forward without falling over. He overheard Tatsumi lecturing Tsuzuki at how Tsuzuki should be careful when he goes drinking, as it wasn't healthy to drink and then pass out completely. Tsuzuki would nod after that and then ask Tatsumi to go out with him again, which would only repeat the endless cycle (Even though Tatsumi would protest against going out again, he would always cave in when Tsuzuki gave him his infamous 'puppy pout' look).

Hisoka then came to two conclusions. First: it was very unlike Tsuzuki, which was a given already. And secondly: People got themselves heavily drunk on purpose and mainly, that was to forget something.

Hisoka never understood why people would drink themselves to the point where they would get sick. Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol never made a person forget what they didn't want to remember. Sure, it sometimes seemed like it, but only because the alcohol would muddle the memory. Given time, though, the head would clear and the memories would come back, and the person usually only felt worse afterwards.

So knowing this, he had reason to worry about his partner's strange behavior. On one hand, he was upset that Tsuzuki would do this to himself. He must've known that this was far from healthy. The one time he saw Tsuzuki drunk, Tsuzuki had to lean on him for support in order to walk. Part of him wanted to slap him in the back of a head and tell him how much of an idiot he is. But, the other side to him wanted to stare into his purple eyes and ask him just exactly what was wrong.

That part to him he didn't quite understand. That part of him wanted to wrap his arms around the older, but child-like in behavior, man. That part of him desperately wanted to know what exactly would drive his partner to do this to himself, that he was there for him. That he would listen to him. That he could trust him with his problems...

He was brought out of his brooding for a second when he heard muffled giggling. He turned and scowled at his partner.

"What's so funny?" He asked.

"Nothin'." Was the simple reply he got back from Tsuzuki, who continued to giggle on. Hisoka scowled at the child-like man and went back to his thoughts. 'Isn't it ironic that who I'm thinking about is sitting next to me, giggling like he has gone mad?'

Hisoka inwardly sighed to himself. Tsuzuki was the type of person who never willingly shared his problems with someone. Tatsumi had told Hisoka, on several occasions, that he understood Tsuzuki more than anyone. But how could he say that when Tsuzuki never trusted or confided in Hisoka? Hisoka would always tell Tsuzuki what was on his mind or if he had a problem with something. He knew Tsuzuki was there for him and would always be willing to convey his inner most feelings to him. He had done that on more than one occasion.

But when it came to the reverse, Hisoka could not think of a single situation where he didn't have to rely on his empathy to know what his partner was thinking about or worrying about or seeking advice from Tatsumi. Trust had to work both ways. Yet, it seemed like a one-way street when it came down to it.

It has always bothered Hisoka that the trust between them was like that. Partners shared different things, thoughts, ideas, and feelings between each other. They depended on one another for support in situations. It was one of the reasons Shinigami worked in pairs.

And yet...

'Why does this bother me so much?' Hisoka asked himself as he looked down into the glass that held crystal clear liquid, the opposite of how he felt inside right now. He knew the answer was buried deep inside of him. But every time he tried to grasp the answer, it seemed to slip away. He would feel frustrated and annoyed, but determination always won out in him and he continued to reach for the answer, just to have the cycle repeat over again.

He tried to assess this as rationally as possible. First, he knew that his worry for Tsuzuki was more than what a co-worker would feel. He already established long ago that what he felt towards Tsuzuki was more than a simple 'we're just partners' relationship. He knew that he considered Tsuzuki a friend. But the closeness of their relationship went farther than friends too. He told himself before that he considered Tsuzuki his family. Yet still, that didn't seem quite right either. Tsuzuki seemed more than just a parent or brother to him...

Hisoka let out a sigh in frustration again. He knew he was close to the answer, yet, it kept itself out of his reach. The answer to this all was behind a locked door; all he needed was the key to that door.

His gaze returned back to his partner and he sighed to himself. Several times, he tried to read Tsuzuki and failed. When Tsuzuki didn't want his feelings known, he managed to keep strong shields around himself.

For some reason, Hisoka believed that the key to unlocking the door to this mystery lied within the person next to him who was currently drowning himself in another glass of alcohol. If only... if only...

"Young man?"

Hisoka blinked a few times and lifted his head up. The bartender was looking at him with a frown.

"You might want to escort your friend home. I think he's had enough tonight, if you know what I mean."

Green eyes blinked in puzzlement and Hisoka looked to his partner, who was murmuring incoherently and complaining about running out of money too quickly. His gaze went to the clock on the wall. It was well near midnight. After drinking the rest of his water, he got up from the stool he was sitting on and walked over to Tsuzuki.

"Come on, it's time to go home…" He said.

"Dun wanna…" Was the reply he got from the drunken man. Hisoka scowled at him and put his arm around his shoulder.

"Well, -I- want to. First off, you're out of money. And the world doesn't need another drunk running around at night either. So come on."

"Aww, 'Soka's so mean…" He murmured and wobbly rose to his feet. If Hisoka weren't there to provide him with support, surely, he would've fallen over. He opened the door with his free hand and felt the cold air hit him. He threw his drunken partner a scowl, which was met with a grin, and walked out of the bar, with Tsuzuki in tow.

Silence echoed between the two. The walk to Tsuzuki's house wouldn't take more than thirty minutes. But Tsuzuki wasn't the lightest person in the world and Hisoka wasn't used to carrying the bigger man, especially for fairly long distances. After ten minutes of walking along, Hisoka's back started to feel sore and a sigh of displeasure escaped his lips.

"How much did you drink?" Hisoka asked, trying to distract his mind from the pain he felt in his lower back.

"I dunno… Maybe two or three glasses?"

"Try ten of them."

"Oh. You counted?"

"No, I gave you an estimate of what I saw."

"Heh."

"Tsuzuki?"

"Mmmm?"

"I just… I mean… Never mind. Forget it…"

"Are you sure, Soka-chan?"

"Don't call me that!" He scowled and stumbled, almost dropping Tsuzuki in the process. Sometimes, the man could get on his nerves.

He was startled when the weight on his back lifted suddenly. He turned around and blinked at his partner.

"'sokay, I can walk." Tsuzuki mumbled and took three steps forward. On the forth step, he stumbled and would've met the pavement of the sidewalk if Hisoka wasn't there to catch him. It was a clumsy catch though and both ended up on the ground.

"Idiot…" Hisoka scowled.

"Dun be like that, Soka-chan."

"I said don't call me that!"

Tsuzuki lifted his head and looked into Hisoka's eyes, which were burning with anger. Amusement twinkled in the older man's eyes and he smiled. A hand lifted and brushed ash-blond bangs from emerald eyes.

"So pweety…"

A pink blush crossed pale cheeks, which caused the older man to chuckle. His head fell upon Hisoka's shoulder. Hisoka tried to push the older man off of him, as he didn't want to sit on the ground all night, but warm arms wrapped around him, preventing his escape.

"Tsuzuki…" A tone of warning was in Hisoka's voice right now. Normally, Tsuzuki would've let go a long time ago, knowing that when Hisoka used that tone of voice with him, that he was about to get slapped across his head. But right now, the older man wasn't exactly in the right state of mind and continued to cling to the young teen.

"Let go." Hisoka said, with a bit more force. He tried to push Tsuzuki away, but it seemed the man wasn't about to let go quite yet.

"Vanilla…"

"What?"

"Vanilla… 's what you smell like…"

Hisoka felt the blood rush to his cheeks and spread along his body. "Get up. I don't want to sit here all night. Besides…" He gasped as he felt something warm press against his neck. A shiver ran through him, despite the night air being warm, as he felt Tsuzuki's lips on his neck.

"Taste like Vanilla too…" Tsuzuki murmured and nuzzled his head deeper in the crook of Hisoka's neck. With Tsuzuki so close to Hisoka, he could feel the emotions illuminating off of him. Normally, Tsuzuki would shield his emotions from Hisoka, but with him in his current state…

The usual emotions he felt when he was around Tsuzuki were there, but there was one emotion that he only felt from one other person before, and it was the dominating emotion.

Lust…

Panic started to rise up in Hisoka's mind. He knew his partner would never take advantage of him in that way; it was totally out of Tsuzuki's character to do something like that. But that didn't quell the memories from being pushed up. It was when Hisoka started trembling that Tsuzuki lifted his head and looked at the younger boy.

"Soka-chan?"

"Stop…"

"Hisoka?"
< br> The boy's eyes had a glassy look to them, as if his mind was somewhere else. Tsuzuki started to shake him, but not for long before he was thrown back a few feet by a powerful psychic blast.

A cry of surprise brought Hisoka back to the present. He blinked several times before he slowly remembered where he was and what took place a few minutes ago. He heard a shuffling of feet and turned his head. He flinched when he looked into Tsuzuki's face.

"Tsuzuki… I…"

"Hisoka… I'm so sorry… I…" The older man didn't finish as he rushed off in the night.

"Tsuzuki! Wait!" Hisoka yelled, and tried to get up, but a hurl of emotions wracked his form back to the ground. 'Shame and guilt…'

It took Hisoka a few minutes to clear his head before he stumbled to his feet and ran after his partner off into the night. However, a black cloud seemed to follow Hisoka around tonight. After a few minutes of running, he totally lost sight of his partner and wondered how he could have ran so far ahead in his state.

It wasn't hard to figure out where Tsuzuki was running to. The man had nowhere else to go but home. And a part of Hisoka said that he should head home too, and this entire incident would most likely be forgotten about in the morning. But another part of him said that right now, his partner needed him, even if Tsuzuki never said it vocally.

The door was unlocked to the small house that Tsuzuki lived in. He peered inside and found the living room silent. No lights were on in the house. Closing the door behind him, Hisoka tiptoed and stood still, listening for sounds. A faint sound came from Tsuzuki's bedroom. Hesitantly, Hisoka pushed the small door to the bedroom opened.

Tsuzuki was near the small balcony window in the room, his back turned from the door. He was sitting down on the floor, his legs curled up to his chest, his head resting on top of his knees. The moon illuminated down from the window, providing a small light to the room. Hisoka realized that the faint sound he heard before was the small sniffling that was coming from the older man.

Slowly, Hisoka made his way towards his partner. Tsuzuki must have not heard him, as he didn't turn around or lift his head up.

"Tsuzuki?" Hisoka whispered softly. The older man lifted his head up and looked at his partner. For one moment, Hisoka was able to see exactly how his partner felt when he looked into tear-filled eyes. He didn't need to read his emotions to know that he was feeling extremely guilty with what happened.

"Hisoka…" Was all Tsuzuki said. He lowered his head and Hisoka knew that Tsuzuki was guilt tripping himself. He was prone to blame himself when things went wrong, whether it was his fault or not.

But in this case…

An uncomfortable silence resonated between the two. Tsuzuki turned his head towards the window and gazed to the outside world. Hisoka sat down next to Tsuzuki, a few inches separating their bodies. Desperately, Hisoka wanted to ask Tsuzuki what was wrong, but he kept silent. Right now, he wanted Tsuzuki to know that he was there for him and that he would listen to him when he was ready.

But would he ever be ready?

"I'll understand…" Started a mumbled reply. Hisoka turned to his partner, confusion in his emerald eyes.

"Understand what?"

"If you don't want to be my partner and work with me anymore…"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of what I did. I know you'll feel uncomfortable around me now and…"

"Don't say such stupid things."

Tsuzuki turned his head towards Hisoka, his eyes never directly looking into Hisoka's face. He shook his head. "But…"

"You can be a real idiot sometimes."

Tsuzuki's eyes finally looked up and found Hisoka looking at him. He looked away, still feeling ashamed of himself. He almost jumped as he felt a hand turn his head. Emerald eyes seemed to study him carefully.

"I'm not going to leave you."

"Why? After what happened, I…"

"I already told you before. Or did you forget?"

Tsuzuki shook his head. "I just… don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me…"

"It's okay. You weren't in the right state of mind. Just don't worry about it."

Hisoka noticed Tsuzuki chewing his lower lip, as if he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He turned his head back to the window and continued to look outside. The silence seemed to echo on and five minutes passed by before Tsuzuki was comfortable enough to say something.

"You… don't have to worry about me. I'll be fine. Besides, you probably want to go home and sleep…"

"I'm fine."

"But…"

For the second time that night, Hisoka's emerald eyes cut Tsuzuki off. "I… worry about you. You don't normally do things like this and… It scares me."

A sad smile crossed the older man's lips. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I trust you!"

"But not enough to tell me what's been bothering you and why you have been drinking twice as much as you usually do."

Tsuzuki flinched. "I just don't know how to explain it…"

"Just… try the best you can." Hisoka encouraged, relieved that Tsuzuki was even willing to share what has been troubling him. Perhaps the answer to his own dilemma lied in what was bothering Tsuzuki…

"I was just thinking about what happened…"

"About what?"

"About what happened in Kyoto…"

"Tsuzuki…" A frown crossed the teenager's lips. He thought they've been through this already.

Tsuzuki shook his head. "It's not about what you think it is. It's something different."

"Then what is it?"

Hisoka felt very confused when he noticed the slight blush crossing Tsuzuki's cheeks. He rarely ever saw Tsuzuki get embarrassed or feel uncomfortable about anything. This captured his interest. Something deep down inside of him said that this had to do with the answer he sought for. He waited for Tsuzuki to continue.

"It's just… After what happened, I've been doing some thinking."

"Thinking?"

"Yes. About us…"

"About us?"

"I mean… What you said to me… It really touched me deeply."

Now it was Hisoka's turn to blush. A rush of heat passed through his body when he felt Tsuzuki's hand clasp over his own. He looked towards the ground, not knowing what to say.

"You meant what you said, didn't you?"

"What?"

"About belonging by my side."

"I…" Hisoka was at a lost for words at the moment. He had no idea what Tsuzuki was driving at. Tsuzuki just smiled at him gently, thinking to himself that it was best to change the subject right now.

"I'm not sure… how to explain the next part…"

"It's okay…" Hisoka said. "Just try the best you can…"

The older Shinigami nodded. He let go of Hisoka's hand and stood up, looking out the window.

"It's just… that lately, I've been feeling lonely inside."

"Lonely?"

"Yeah, but not in the way you think. Like I know you and Tatsumi and Watari and Wakaba-chan and everyone else in the Division is there for me. I don't feel that type of loneliness. It's just… I know you are there, right in front of me, but in a way, it seems like you're far away from me."

Hisoka just blinked at Tsuzuki's confession. A bitter smile crossed Tsuzuki's lips.

"I told you I didn't know how to explain it well."

"I think I know what you're trying to say."

Tsuzuki nodded and continued. "I felt like this for a really long time, but it was always mild. It never really bothered me unless I thought about it. But recently…"

"It hasn't been that way?"

"Yeah…" Tsuzuki turned to Hisoka and sat back down on the ground, his eyes wandering to the other side of the room. "I guess I should tell you. You would find out about it eventually."

"What is it?"

Tsuzuki took a deep breath. "It's about me and Tatsumi…"

Hisoka chewed on his lower lip. He already knew that there was something deep between Tatsumi and Tsuzuki. Only a blind fool wouldn't be able to tell that they had a deep affection for each other. But it wasn't any of his business to know what happened between his partner and Tatsumi in the past, and Tsuzuki seemed reluctant to speak about it, so he never inquired further. He did speak to Tatsumi on a few occasions about their relationship. But he didn't pry too deeply into matters.

He nodded to Tsuzuki to let him know he was ready to listen.

"Well, you might already know, as you're an empath. But Tatsumi and I were close. We were more than 'just friends' at one point. I told him how I was feeling one day and, well… I found out that Tatsumi cared about me more than just a friend. So we… kinda had a relationship that went beyond friendship."

"I figured as much," Hisoka replied, swallowing the lump that was forming in his throat. What exactly was he feeling inside right now?

"It didn't work out though…"

"Why?"

"We just… weren't ready for it. We never really went beyond kissing and hugging. I really can't say 'we' though, it was more my fault. Tatsumi is a… wonderful person, but… that feeling just didn't go away. And Tatsumi knew it was wrong for us to keep continuing on like we were.

"Both of us couldn't cope very well with our emotions. Me especially. So Tatsumi did what he thought what was best for us. He broke off our partnership.

"I'll admit, it really hurt at first. I was devastated for a long time. But I understood why Tatsumi did what he did later on and we stayed close friends. I think… no… I know he still cares deeply about me. But… I just can't return his feelings. I do care about him, but…"

A tear rolled down Tsuzuki's cheek. "I feel terrible that I hurt him. He wants me to be happy, but… he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness for my sake. It's not right though… Everyone should be happy…"

"I think Tatsumi-san would be happy to know that you're happy."

Tsuzuki looked in the direction of his partner. Hisoka was looking down, his fingers fidgeting in his lap.

"I know Tatsumi-san… loves you. But I think when someone really loves you; they would do anything to see the person they love happy. Even if that means that they have to let them go. I think Tatsumi-san knew this and that's why he wants to see you happy."

"'My happiness is your happiness…'"

"Is that what he said to you?"

"Yeah… I think I understand what he meant now…" Tsuzuki smiled. "Thank you, Hisoka…"

"You don't need to thank me. Just don't expect me to play 'therapist' every night."

"Hisoka! Don't be so MEAN!" Tsuzuki whined and pouted.

Hisoka rolled his eyes and continued on. "What about now though? You said you had this feeling of 'loneliness' for a while, but now, it has been bothering you. Do you know why now?"

"I've known why since the day it started bothering me greatly."

"You do?"

"I've been trying to forget the feeling. The reason that I had come up with… I felt I wasn't ready to cope with it and… I don't think the person around me would be able to cope with it either."

"Person?"

Nothing was said after that question. But curiosity drove Hisoka on. He didn't know the exact reason why he felt he had to pry in Tsuzuki's business like this. He wasn't the type of person to butt into other people's business.

But with Tsuzuki, things were different…

"How do you know this person won't be able to cope with what you have to tell them?"

"Well, this person has had a lot of negative things happen to them in their life. The past hasn't been very kind to them and left a negative effect on them, especially their overall view on life. I'm… afraid that what I'll have to tell them will scare them off. I'm content with the relationship we had now. I just… don't want to lose the ground we gained. If I told them…"

"Well, you have to ask yourself if it's worth the risk or not. Do you think if you told them, things would get better?"

"I think so. For a long time, this person has had no real love in their life until they came to work as a Shinigami. If I told this person what I had to say, then the person would know that they are cared and loved for."

And then, Hisoka knew what Tsuzuki meant. "So what you want to tell them is that you're in love with them, right?"

"Yes…"

Hisoka nodded, not quite understanding how he was feeling at the moment. He didn't know that his partner was in love with someone, which had to be a co-worker, as he mentioned that they came to work as a Shinigami. And from looking at Tsuzuki, he knew he wasn't joking around, that he was serious about this. From the tone and expression in Tsuzuki's eyes, it was hurting him too.

He then thought about what happened when they walked out of the bar and he felt his stomach flip-flop. A part of him, a part that confused him, hoped that the person Tsuzuki was talking about was him. But how could it be him? He treated Tsuzuki very harshly with the slip of his tongue, always calling him an idiot and always seemed to push him away whenever Tsuzuki tried to get him to open up to him. 'The chances of him feeling that way to me are impossible… But I still want to help him…' He took a deep breath and looked up at his partner.

"I think I understand what you've been feeling inside now. You're happy with the way things are, but you want more than what can be provided. You don't want to take the risk of ruining what you have right now.

"So you're feeling overall empty inside because what you have isn't enough for you. That's why you have been drinking a lot. You're trying to forget the emptiness you feeling inside of you.

"But… drinking isn't going to solve your problem… It's just going to make you feel worse in the long run. You may forget your problem for a short time, but it comes back on you and you end up making yourself feel worse, which causes you to drink more.

"Am I right?"

Wide amethyst eyes stared back at him. "Sometimes, I think you know me better than myself, Hisoka…"

"It's not like that!" Hisoka stammered. "It just makes sense from what you told me and from your actions."

A small smile crossed Tsuzuki's lips. "I'm still not sure what to do…"

"Well, you think it's worth the risk. Things will change between you and the person, but if the person even cares about you a little bit, then they won't abandon you if you tell them that you love them. Even if they don't return the feelings, if they at least view you as a friend, and I'm assuming they do from what you told me, then they'll still continue to be your friend.

"And you'll feel better after you tell them too. You'll continue to feel empty inside as long as you keep your feelings guarded inside of yourself. Drowning yourself in alcohol would probably make this person upset too. They wouldn't want you doing that to yourself, especially if you two are close.

"And you'll never know if the person can cope or not with your confession. In fact, for all you know, they might return the same feelings to you and that you were worrying over nothing. But you'll never know until you tell the person."

"So you think I should tell them?"

"I think you should." Hisoka felt a slight blush cross his cheeks. "I'll always be here to listen too, if things don't work out…"

"Maybe." Tsuzuki answered.

"'Maybe!?' Of course I'll…!" A finger over his lips silenced him from continuing.

"Hisoka… The person I was talking about… The person I care deeply about… is you."

Green eyes blinked in confusion. Hisoka thought he didn't hear Tsuzuki correctly. He was about to tell him to repeat what he said, but was caught off as Tsuzuki placed his head upon the young teen's lap.

Hisoka felt himself flush all over. He thought back to what Tsuzuki told him about the person he was referring to, and realized that he was slowly describing him. Someone with a negative past, someone who's had little to no love in their life, someone who might not be able to cope with the confession, because it would scare him away… And then, he remembered when Tsuzuki told him that he was thinking about what happened in Kyoto. 'All this time, you were thinking about… me?'

"I think you already know, but I cared about you for a really long time. I just didn't realize how much till recently. And I thought you deserved better too. That no matter what I could offer, it wouldn't be enough and that you could be happy with someone else…"

"Tsuzuki, you…"

"I know, I know." The older man said, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes. "Let me finish, okay?" When the teen didn't protest, he continued. "It wasn't until I was about to give up my life that I knew that what I was doing wouldn't make you… anyone happy at all. I realized then that even if you didn't admit it to yourself or to me, that you care about me in some way. I was never sure if it was the same way that I felt though. And I was afraid to tell you how I feel too. I didn't want to chase you away after all the walls that have been between us when we first met.

"I don't want to lose you… If I lost you… I wouldn't know what to do… I…"

Hisoka was at a loss for words. He knew that Tsuzuki liked him, but he never thought he touched the man so deeply. 'Someone who's always calling him an 'idiot' and pushing him away, getting close but not close enough…' And before he realized it, the question fell out of his mouth.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you… you know…"?

"Love you?" Tsuzuki smiled as he noticed the pink streak across his partner's cheeks. "I can't… explain it in words. It just wouldn't do it justice." He raised his hand and lightly caressed Hisoka's cheek. "It's something that you can't explain in words but emotions…"

Hisoka knew what Tsuzuki was hinting at. He intertwined his fingers in Tsuzuki's hand. He felt nervous, as the last time he read Tsuzuki, it was by accident. But then again, his feelings were much different than from back then. Before, his face and overall air to him reflected the pain and sadness he suffered in his past. However, now, he seemed more at peace with himself.

"Hisoka, are you…"

"You hinted that emotions would explain better than words, right?"

"But, I don't want you getting hurt…"

"Idiot. I'll be fine." Hisoka closed his eyes and slowly lowered his shields and let himself 'fall' inside of the man besides him.

It was like diving head first into a cold river. He knew Tsuzuki was an emotionally complex person where one minute, he would seem cheerful and perhaps later on, he would seem vulnerable, and other times, he would seem upset. But Hisoka had always had walls to block out the bulk of most of those emotions and Tsuzuki seemed to have strong shields himself. The only time he could feel Tsuzuki's emotions was when he was feeling something very strongly. Here, where there was no shields, he could pick out and pinpoint everything that made up Tsuzuki.

He could 'see' the memories that made up his partner's past and they whirled by him so fast, that he wasn't able to get a concise picture in his mind. They rushed by in blurs of colors. Even though Hisoka couldn't recall any of the memories that seemed to rush by him, he could recall the emotions that said memories brought up. The deep desire for wanting to belong. The pain of thinking that no one wanted him. The desire to help, but being unable to. The guilt that the blood of the dead which lay solely on his hands. The desire of wanting to make people happy.

But the one desire that seemed to burn into his mind, the strongest of them all, was the desire to be loved.

Hisoka let himself get caught up in that strong desire, knowing that's what he needed to follow to understand Tsuzuki. He felt himself flowing deeper and deeper into Tsuzuki's conscious. He knew it was dangerous to go deeper. If he went too deeply into someone, then he would have a hard time getting back out of their consciousness or he might not be able to get back at all. Yet, he continued to take the risk at hand and let himself submerge into the current.

Finally, he felt himself come to a halt. All around him, he felt his partner. But more than just that, he knew what Tsuzuki meant by saying that 'words weren't enough'.

Calling this 'love' seemed so trivial. Because it was more than just love. It was more of a feeling of rightness. Like a half of himself was missing for the longest time. And right here, in the center of it all, only could Hisoka feel complete himself. Tsuzuki was the one half and Hisoka complimented the other.

It felt just right being there. He didn't feel like an intruder, which he normally did when he read others. Here, he felt safe, welcome, and most importantly, the emotion that he craved for so long that he had never received, not even from his parents.

He understood. In a way, Tsuzuki was opening his heart to him and to only him. But was he really ready to accept this? Worry and doubt plagued him as he opened his eyes and looked down at his partner.

"Well?" Tsuzuki asked, anxiety in his voice.

"I… understand now… But… I don't think I'm ready just yet…"

"I knew it…" Tsuzuki sighed and tried to get up. But Hisoka pushed him back down.

"I didn't finish yet. I know how you feel, but I'm not sure how I feel. I care about you, but…"

"It's okay. I'm not going to leave you if you don't want me to. I said I would stay with you, remember?"

Hisoka nodded, his face turning red again from embarrassment. "Can we… take this one step at a time?"

A nod came from his partner as his purple eyes shut. "Yes… I'll wait forever if I have to. As long as I can stay with you…"

"Tsuzuki… I don't know if I can ever return the intensity of how you feel to me. I don't know if I even feel the same towards you. But I do know that I belong by your side… Perhaps… Perhaps I'll find the answer that I'm seeking now…"

Tsuzuki didn't answer him, and that's when Hisoka realized that he had fallen asleep. He looked over to the night table and saw the alarm clock reading that it was well past two am. Slowly he rose up from the floor and took the comforter off the bed. He placed one half of the comforter over Tsuzuki and the other half over himself. Curling up besides his partner, he fell asleep.

And for once in his life, he was able to sleep peacefully.