Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Here I Am ❯ One-Shot

Disclaimer: This fanwork borrowed characters and situations from Yami no Matsuei, which is the creation of Matsushita Yoko. I make no profit off it. So, er, forgive me?

Rating: PG

Warnings: Wankery on the part of the writer, angst and very vague shounen-ai on the part of the characters.

Pairings: Blink and you'll miss them.

Distribution: My website by default, others please ask first.

Feedback: Yes, please.

Notes: Thank you to everyone who feedbacked my first YnM fic! I'm sorry I have been so slack in expressing my thanks, but your comments were very much appreciated and loved.

This is how he stays Hisoka when that thing in his chest says he's Watari or Terazuma or Yuma or Saya or Daisuke or Hikari-chan or Sugimoto or Muraki or Kawamoto-sensei or Miki:

Hisoka creates a wall against everyone else, including himself.

He has learned not to lash out, so instead he backs away and watches himself from the inside where no one could touch him. His body is a VR unit, and he is a hack aspiring to po-mo literary fame:

This is you talking to Watari. That is Watari with his hand on your arm, and this is you hearing the voice in his head. This is you walking off in a huff, because he wants to accidentally put something in your coffee.

He hates it because it makes him feel like a passive narrator, a victim, but the empty space around him makes him feel stronger. His colleagues smile indulgently at him (oh isn't he cute when he's cranky) but they know better than to act as if his body is theirs for the taking.

This is you knowing that sometimes they think so. You also know that they would feel guilty for taking liberties. Except for Yuma and Saya, but the uncomplicated light of their emotions is almost cleansing.

He suspects that Tatsumi does the same, this watchful detachment, because Tatsumi is a man doomed to darkness. Shadows are almost as dangerous as emotions, for they bite when let loose and do not know if the flesh of another is beloved.

This is you seeing Tatsumi contemplating the unnatural flickering of his own shadow, tall and thin on the floor. This is you feeling Tatsumi sinking deep into himself until the shadow is as still as a pond -- only to ripple when Watari absently brushes his fingers across his lips. This is you turning away before you too will lose control. Again.

Hisoka only ever becomes one with himself on a few occasions, when he knows beyond all doubt that he is Hisoka.

The first: when he is angry, because fire burns bright and hot on the detritus of other selves.

The second: when Tsuzuki touches him, because he would never feel that good about himself.

-owari-