Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Regret ❯ Regret ( One-Shot )

Title: Regret
Genre: Angst, Romance?
Warnings: Buckets full of angst, lime/mild sexual situation
Comments: Thanks goes to Rinoared for the beta read and Katsue Fox for the encouraging comments
Spoilers: Kyoto Arc

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It's funny the way life works. The way one simple push can make a whole line of dominos fall in neat succession. Being under pressure makes us do some of the weirdest things or we make the oddest decisions that we could never see ourselves making.

I ended up making one of those decisions.

It all started when everyone kept talking about how close I was becoming with my partner. A whisper here, a whisper there. It didn't really bother me in the beginning. I never paid much attention to the gossip that went around the office. Besides, my partner and I had a working relationship. I considered him a close friend, but beyond that, that was about it.

Then the rumors started.

The first was when my partner and I were out on a case job. We ended up staying up an extra night. Of course, being the glutton he is, absolutely insisted that we stay for the morning buffet. And me, not wanting to hear his whining any longer, agreed.

When we came back in the office, close to eleven in the morning, Watari had to open his big mouth.

"You're back later than expected. Didn't get enough sleep last night, eh?"

Of course, he had to wink at my partner and elbow him in the stomach while nodding. I knew what he meant then, and I'll admit, it pissed me off. Of course, my partner was oblivious to this and didn't say anything, blinking stupidly at Watari and then telling him how good the buffet was.

In the end, I let it go. I had other things on my mind, like writing the report and having to go to Tatsumi-san about how we went over the budget yet again. And I was going to be the one to get yelled at. But then again, it was my choice, I could let my partner go and tell Tatsumi-san, but I just didn't want him to.

I guess... In my own way, I was protecting him from Tatsumi-san's wrath. He knew and he always smiled at me and said, 'thanks' when I came out, shaking my head.

That was the start of events that would lead me down the path of regret.

Rumors started to spread around the office. That my partner and I were "more than coworkers". I would've loved to say 'duh!' to each idiotic blabbermouth for stating the obvious. My partner and I were friends; we enjoyed each other's company. So what if I like talking and listening to someone? It didn't seem like a big deal to me.

Then people started whispering, curious to "how far we had gone". When I first heard that, I spat out my coffee and demanded to know where they got such a bizarre idea from. Of course, when I asked, people giggled and it only reaffirmed their suspicions about us.

It did bother me, but not to the point where I would care much. It was annoying, but in the end, it was better to ignore them. I rather not give them fuel to feed their fire.

But the more time I spent with my partner, the more the rumors started to spread. The 'real' reasons why we would walk home together. The time my partner held my hand when we went into work one morning. The 'true' reason I let my partner get away with so much.

It got to the point where it did bother me, so one day; I talked to my partner about it. I thought he would take my side and say that we had to confront Tatsumi-san about it to get people to shut up. I thought he would just laugh and tell me to ignore it.

But his answer shocked me.

"Does it really bother you that much, Hisoka, for people to think we're in that kind of relationship?"

I didn't understand what he meant when he said that.

"Would it bother you if... we were involved like that?"

I knew what he meant when he said that. I couldn't give him an answer to that, because I really never thought about it. It did bother me, but it bothered me because what people were saying were lies. And lies tended to ruin reputations and relationships, in general. Did it bother me to think of my partner... as a romantic interest?

I had no experience in romance. I've never experienced love before. I knew what people did when they were 'in love', but I never pictured myself in being in that situation. I never expected to make friends with anyone, really, now that I thought about it.

I decided that honesty was best; I told him I didn't know. He turned his head from me, taking a deep breath, whispering something before he looked at me. I knew he was going to drop something heavy on me right then.

"Would... would you ever want to get involved with me like that?"

I really didn't know how to respond to that. I always thought of my partner as someone special to me, but... like that? And didn't people... fall in love with someone of the opposite sex?

I asked probably the most stupid question at that moment.

"Can two guys get involved like that?"

My partner can be the mastermind at hiding what he really feels. Sometimes, not even my empathy can pick up on what he's feeling, even when I use my powers on purpose to read him. There were times in the past where I thought he was emotionless. However that was far from the truth.

But, this time, I didn't need empathy to see the look in his eyes. He looked taken aback for a second, not expecting the question. But his eyes darkened a little bit before they were closed completely. He tried so hard not to shake, but I could see it. His breaths came out much more quickly than they normally do.

I had to say something.

"Tsuzuki, I didn't mean..."

He interrupted me before I could make myself clear. "No, it's okay. I knew you might say something like that and..."

It was my turn to cut him off. "No, it was a stupid question. It... shouldn't matter what sex you are, as long as those feelings are there, right?"

That seemed to calm him down a little bit, as his shaking subsided and his eyes were now open. He smiled to me and nodded.

I really didn't have time to truly think about any of the consequences of getting into a romantic relationship. If I said no, my partner would definitely be devastated and fall into a depression. And when my partner got depressed, it could become almost impossible to snap him out of it. And I definitely wouldn't be the one to be able to comfort him.

But if I said yes, things would drastically change between us.

I so wish I could've changed what I said at that moment in time now...

"I don't see... why not."

My partner looked so happy when I said those words. "Really, Hisoka?"

"Yes, really." I think that was one of those rare times I actually lied to him. I should have never lied to him.

"Do... do you want to..."

"Yes." I cut him off before he could ask. I knew what he was going to ask before he said it. I think, in reality, I didn't want to hear the question.

After I had said that, he looked.... positively enthusiastic. His smile was so big that I thought it hurt his face. His eyes seemed to have some sort of inner sparkle. And I could just feel his excitement so much that I ended up smiling too.

I never expected things to go where they did.

For the first few weeks, life was good. We tried and experimented with what we were comfortable with. We held hands more often. We hugged more often. We talked more often. We spent more time together.

I thought that my fears, at the time, were unjustified.

But then came times where he wanted... more.

And it finally came up one night at my house. We were watching a movie together, really late at night. We were sitting close to each other, my partner's need for closeness and affection obvious.

I wasn't paying much attention to the movie. I can't even remember what it was about; I even think I was falling asleep at the time.

I turn my head just to tell my partner to turn off the movie, but I couldn't. Something warm and wet landed on my mouth and I realized that my partner wanted something more, yet again. I ended up freezing, I didn't know what to do and it just... didn't feel right.

He stopped when he realized that my body had tensed up suddenly. "Hisoka?"

I shook my head, trying to smile, but in reality, I wasn't too happy. "I'm sorry. I just... wasn't expecting it."

Why did he have to give me the "wounded puppy" look? "I didn't mean to. I mean... I just..."

I can't stand it when he does this. I hate when he feels bad and blames himself. I just wanted him to... be happy. I kept telling myself that over and over again as I pressed my mouth to his.

It was wrong of me to lead him on like I did. It was wrong of me to do things just because I wanted to see him happy. He did these things because he wanted to express his love to me and thought it made me happy as well.

But in reality, it didn't... I wasn't ready for this sort of intimacy.

Soon after that, he just... wanted more. I didn't have any free time to myself. He started coming over all the time. We were together more often than I wanted us to be. I don't think I had a single moment at this time where I didn't see him.

He even resorted as much as sleeping at my house when it got too late. I couldn't just send him home at one in the morning, so I would give him a blanket and let him sleep on the couch. I would just tell myself that it was my fault for letting him stay so late.

But I couldn't send him away. He would be hurt. And I told myself that I never want to see the pain in those violet eyes as I saw in Kyoto ever again.

I wasn't happy though. I was lying to my partner more and more often, letting him do things that I truly wasn't comfortable doing and I would hide it. Those were the times I hated myself the most.

And then, came the night where I couldn't give him something and hide it any longer.

It began on the couch. A simple innocent kiss turning into... something more. I can still remember the gentle way he ran his hands up and down my back, his tongue darting out to meet mine. I can still remember him using his other hand to unbutton my shirt and when his calloused hand rub against my flesh, his lips trailing down my cheek slowly, my name a whisper on his lips.

I felt uncomfortable. It felt... good, but it didn't feel right either. I felt like he was demanding something from me that I wasn't willing to give him yet. I kept repeating to myself that this was for him, that if this would make him happy, that it was fine.

I can still hear the sound of a zipper being undone and me shivering from both the sudden cold and my own fear. I can still feel the way his warm lips were suckling my neck as his hands slipped under my boxers. I can still remember when he touched me... there. I can still remember my yelp of surprise and the way my body tensed. I can still remember how good it felt and how I wanted him to keep going, even though my mind told me that I should stop right then and there.

When I felt myself so close... He stopped. I felt angry at first, I was too caught up in the pleasure he was providing me to notice anything else, and to suddenly interrupt it...

He looked at me as I tried to catch my breath. That was when... I knew that somehow he knew I wasn't into this.

"You're not ready for this."

That one simple statement upset me so much. It was like... he was treating me like a child again. And if there's one thing I despise, it's being treated like a child.

I pulled his collar so I could look him directly in his eyes. "Don't. Tell. Me. What. I'm. Ready. For." And to prove that, I forcefully placed my lips against his, determined to prove him wrong as I pulled his dress shirt apart, the buttons falling to the floor.

I shouldn't have underestimated his strength as he pulled away and pinned my arms behind my back. He had caught me off guard. I tried to struggle, but he's much bigger and much stronger than me.

"You're not ready for this because it doesn't mean anything to you, does it?"

I don't know how he had caught on to that, but what he said was so on the mark, I simply froze. He nodded, having his answer, and let my arms go, knowing that I wasn't going to try a stunt like that again.

What he said next, I will carry with for the rest of my life. The way his eyes bore into my soul. The frown that formed on his lips. The way his brow wrinkled upwards. The look of disappointment in his eyes...

"You could've said, 'no', Hisoka. That would've been better than forcing yourself for my sake..."

And he got up and left. He didn't use the front door either, he just... vanished in front of me. I knew he teleported out. I realized just then that all those times he could've gone home by just teleporting and he didn't. All because he wanted to spend time with me.

I have never hated myself so much as I did that night. To make things worse, I still felt my body wanting release and no matter how hard I ignored it as I tried to force myself to sleep, that feeling wouldn't leave. I ended up going to the bathroom to relieve myself before I crawled back into bed, feeling like the lowest person ever.

The next day at work... My partner told me that perhaps we rushed things a bit too much and that we should go back to being friends for the time being. I knew he was going to say more, but I nodded my head all too quickly, not being able to look at him straight in his eyes. I never will know what he was going to say, but he left it at that.

We did go back to being friends, but it was... tarnished. I couldn't look at him without feeling extremely guilty. I couldn't touch him without feeling dirty or guilty for wanting him to touch me as he did before.

As for him, I don't think he could do that again without guilt tripping himself. He would reach out to me and then suddenly pull away. He would look at me when we talked, but then away suddenly for a fraction of a second before looking back.

We still talked, but it wasn't like how it was before.

And now, now that I realize that I do love him... I don't think we can ever be like we were before. And he would still want so much from me… what if one day I can't give him what he wants?

I think I understand now what Tatsumi-san had gone through.

I wish we were close like we were before, but we're not. I wish I had been more honest with Tsu... him, but I wasn't. I wish I had never let it get as far as it did, but I didn't stop it.

And now, I'll have to live with that regret... Perhaps forever.

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