Yami No Matsuei Fan Fiction ❯ Yuuzai ❯ Yuuzai ( One-Shot )

Title: Yuuzai

Author: Elf Asato

Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka ^^;; (and if you really want to read in between the lines or something Tat/Hi)

Warnings: Muraki-ishness (new word ^_^), NCS (lemonish), language, and major Tsu/Hi angst

Spoilers: Er…there's not really anything in the actual fic, but there is when I attempt to explain some things in the ending notes ^^;; Spoilers for the…entire anime series?

Disclaimer: Uncreative disclaimer…argh. Yami no Matsuei and all the wonderful characters are Matsushita-sensei's not mine…and Yuuzai is by its respective owners. And…even though it's just mentioned in the notes, Count Cain and all that good stuff is Kaori Yuki's, not mine ^_^

Notes: Yuuzai is a song from Tokyo Babylon (Subaru and Seishirou's song, I think) and the title translates (I think ^^;;) to "Guilty Love." Although I've never heard the song, I LOVE the lyrics! Don't you? Well, I was looking through my little lyric collection and I knew that I HAD to write a fic from it! …Since I've never heard Yuuzai, I'm listening to Eternal Harvest (from FF9) which reminds me of Muraki anyway for some reason (and Cain, too, since he's on my Winamp skin ^^ v)… Now it's going to remind me of Muraki, Tsuzuki, and Cain…O.oU Even though Muraki's not technically in this fic…he shaped everything in it ^_^ And…if you're a Tsu/Hi fan and you thought this was going to be something cute, you'd better hit that "back" button…

Format: Like other songfics I've written (^^;; I swear I'm working on Anti Nostalgic!), the English translation is in the story while the Japanese words are at the end. Lyrics are marked with […] A dream is italicized.

========

Yuuzai

By Elf Asato

========

[If there were two of this earth in the universe

I would take off on a ship, run away

Then all I'd have to do is weep about having lost you forever]

Roses.

Everywhere.

Red roses.

The roses…they have thorns. Please don't make me touch them…itai… It hurts to touch your finger to the thorn…blood even flows. But you love it and wrap your hand around the rose's stem, squeezing, squeezing, until your hand is engulfed in blood. You wear a red glove on your hand, it seems. What for? You don't care - you love it anyway and never let go of the rose's thorns. Never. Why? …You don't want to. …You? No…I don't want to. It hurts like all hell…but I'll never let go of this rose.

This red rose.

It doesn't belong to me - I belong to it.

…Help me.

I stir from my dream of roses by the sound of my own name.

"…Tsuzuki."

It's Hisoka who's come to my bedside with worry in his eyes. I don't like that look. I don't like to see him worried. "Hi…soka?" I yawn. It's not like him to wake me up at…three in the morning.

"…You…" is all he says. He looks at me with penetrating eyes and I know he's searching my heart, but what is there to find? For a split second, he looks vaguely betrayed and that alarms me.

"Hisoka?" I ask with concern.

"How do you feel?" is all he asks. His eyes are still penetrating, concentrating deeply…on what, though? Me?

"Me? I feel just fine." And that's the truth. My dream…it was scary, but left me feeling calm all over. I wonder what dreams like those mean? …I don't think I guarded myself very well. Hisoka looks at me strangely…and if I look close enough, I can see…what is it…fear…in his eyes?!

"Is something wrong, Hisoka?" I ask, sitting up in bed. It hurts me when he immediately backs away from my bedside.

He goes and sits on his own bed, letting his legs drape over the side. "…I'm…just fine," he mutters softly.

God, even I can see that's a lie! "What's wrong?" I mean to ask in concern…but it comes out demanding and harsh.

At the look of his eyes, I immediately want to take back my tone. His eyes…they're wide with…again…fear… It makes me angry - what the hell does he have to be afraid of?! …He's always implying how I make him feel safe and loved… He always looks at me with that happy and contented expression…but tonight he wakes me up and looks at me with fear in his eyes?! I want him to answer. I want him to tell me something. His telltale eyes are making me both worried and angry. "…You…" he begins softly - so softly that I have to strain my ears to hear, "…had a dream, didn't you?"

It dawns on me - as an empath, he must have had my dream. …I'll bet that it freaks him out… Why not? It does me. Those…roses… "Yeah."

"Was kind of dream was it?" he asks. "Was it a good dream…or was it bad?"

I try to think, trying to get to the source of his…anxiety. "It was…scary…but actually…it was alright."

He doesn't respond for a while and when he does, his quiet "…Oh," is jagged and quivering.

"Hisoka?!" I ask, more concerned than before at the tone of his voice. "Are you alright?"

"I'm just fine!" he snaps, throwing me by surprise as he gets back into bed, lying his head on the pillow and pulling the sheets up over him.

[Even when barbed wire tore into our flesh

Our desire scorched the summer sun

We are already guilty by having met each other]

"Like hell!" I snap back, completely unconvinced and quite annoyed at his sudden anger towards me. I did nothing wrong! He's the one who woke me up and started giving me those looks… Yeah, I did something wrong! I wonder if it's some hormonal thing…after all, he is a teenager…but no matter how hard I try to think that as an excuse for his behavior, it still completely pisses me off!

I…I want to go back to sleep. I wish he had never woken me up. Let me go back to sleep and never wake me up, please. …That look in his eye just isn't worth it. He bites his lip and I can see that his eyes are…terrified. It frustrates me to no end - I want to find out what it is that he's afraid of and comfort him, but another part of me wants to… No. That's wrong. I don't want to hurt him… But…I think I have… He doesn't say a word though. Instead he's curled up in a little ball under his covers…and if I look close enough, I see him shaking slightly.

I can feel it. He's scared and hurt…by what, though?! …That's what gets me so angry… He acts like I'm important to him, but then he goes and pulls something like this off…

…Or…maybe…it's me?

"I want to go home," I hear his voice croak finally.

He's been crying.

Silently.

"We can go home tomorrow," I answer, my voice more brusque than I intended it to be. Maybe that's it. He's homesick? …But he never got homesick when we were out on assignments before… It's not like this one is traumatizing…or…difficult in any way… A couple of souls have been missing, that's all… I wonder what it is that he's so upset about it. What can it be that he possibly can't discuss with me? I lay back down and my pillow is comforting to my frustration.

He's silent for a while. "I want to go home," he reiterates, "now."

"Tomorrow," I snap. This time, I meant my tone. I sit back up in bed and state firmly, if a bit condescending, "Tomorrow we can go back home and you can tell Tatsumi or someone about whatever it is that you obviously can't discuss with me." I have an enormous headache…

"…Tatsumi," he mutters and it just makes me angry. I let it go, though. He can tell his beloved Tatsumi whatever he wants to. Tomorrow.

I just want to go back to sleep before I do anything I know I'll regret… I lie back down on the bed, my head pounding, and sigh, hoping to go back to sleep. …I can't, though…because there's an annoying little noise…

It takes me a second or two to realize that it's Hisoka…crying and trying to silence it in his pillow.

I feel bad, I really do, but at the same time, I feel so angry. I just want him to shut up so I can go to sleep. Closing my eyes and trying to surrender myself to sleep doesn't shut him out like I had hoped - instead, it magnifies the noise and the annoyance I feel. "Shut up," I growl, unable to hide my anger and frustration.

His sobs grow louder and more desperate as he frantically tries to silence himself.

I don't understand… What the hell is wrong with him?! What the hell is so fucking upsetting him that he can't even talk about it?! Never in my life have I been so angry and frustrated with him.

…This isn't like us. Normally we can sleep together in the same room with no problem but tonight…

Roses.

"Brat," I spit out at him, trying to release all my anger and frustration into that one tiny word.

It works because he can feel all my anger, all my frustration, all my…

…Hatred.

It doesn't make him stop. God, I think he never will. He's going to continue that damned sobbing of his until he dies. He must be so emotionally fucked up right now to cry like that…and this is the beauty of it - I don't even know why. He's my damned partner and he can't even talk to me. I'd feel bad for him if I weren't so pissed off right now. "Shut the fuck up!" I growl angrily as I just cannot stand it any longer. …And he won't stop. Do you believe that? He won't stop. He just won't stop. He won't just shut up. He won't. He's silent the rest of the time, so why the hell won't he shut up now?!

My limbs are quivering and I feel as if I'm going to join him in just sobbing my eyes out…but I realize…that I'm shaking…out of pure anger. I feel like his noises bore into my brain and I'm going to go insane. I can't take it. I can't stand it. Do you hear me?! "I CAN'T STAND IT!"

[Your scent, your body, your voice - Why...

Your gestures, your warmth

Are they mine when I reach out for them?]

I storm out of my bed and over to his - he's on his side facing away from me so he doesn't even know. I'm grabbing his shoulders and shaking him as hard as I can for him to just SHUT UP. I can't take it, I truly can't. You'd think he'd stop, but he won't. I think of his empathy - he must be in absolute hell with me right now.

I'd care if I could.

It registers with me that in addition to his crying, he's been screaming at me to not touch him. Something I've oh-so-clearly ignored.

Yeah, I'll touch him and I'll touch him again. See if he'll learn what "stop" means.

He's screaming and clawing at me right now - I can't even tell what he's saying. I don't think he even knows. Ask me if I care later. I can't stand the noise he's making - his harsh voice screaming is ten times worse than his jagged crying. It irritates me even more. "JUST SHUT UP!" I scream at him as I punch his face as hard as I can.

It feels so great. That release. …And he's finally shut up. …Finally.

He's unmoving as his head lies to one side. I can't read anything in his eyes - they're so blank it's eerie.

"You're no different," Hisoka begins in a dry, monotone voice, a single tear falling down his cheek. "You're no different from him. You're exactly the same. The same entity, same heart, same mind." His head slowly moves so that he's facing and looking directly at me. "You feel exactly the same, you know that? In your dream I felt my curse scars flare and they still haven't gone away. They burn so much, but it's not because of him - it's you. You know you have something to hide during the daytime…but you're not hiding anything right now. This is you, you know that?"

My eyes widen. No, I don't want to hear this. Just NO. "…Shut up!"

"This is you. All you."

"SHUT UP!"

"…Maybe it's him. I can't tell anymore."

"GODDAMMIT, SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I scream as my hands fly to his throat, squeezing as tight as I can.

He struggles and tries to bite and kick, unable to scream.

This…this…is beyond noise right now.

I squeeze. Harder. Harder.

…Just like the roses from my dream.

At this instant, I want to bring him so much suffering - so much pain. Why? …I smirk almost cruelly as the answer flashes in my mind - "It's because I love you. I love you so much I want to see you writhe in agony." My hands let up and instead, pin his shoulders roughly to the bed.

His face is nearly purple from lack of breathing, so he breathes in sharply. Must be painful because I hear him whimper.

"So you can no longer distinguish between myself and Muraki?" I ask with amusement in my voice. …But there's nothing remotely pleasant in what I feel. "Heh. How convenient."

I press my knee against his groin, making it clear what I was going to do. He moans in pain and nothing else. I let go of his shoulders and tend to his pajama bottoms - black sheep, how cute. How ironic.

We're burning in hell right now.

He shows no intentions of moving - he's not in a position to, anyway. I strip him of his lower garments and my own as well. I don't care to take off his shirt or my own - there's to be no love in this. No love. No caresses. No preparation. Just raw pain.

[How many times must we lie

Before we can descend into hell?

Love is already guilty when we love enough to want to kill]

I thrust into him quickly and sharply, clenching my teeth.

He's not screaming like I want him to. Instead, he arches his back, not aiming for another angle, but trying to cope with the pain and get away. His teeth are clenched like mine with tears streaming down his face and his body is reacting against his will. But he's silent.

That'll have to change.

I pull back and give another thrust, suppressing a moan deep inside my throat. He's silently crying and bleeding.

Good.

"…S…top," he manages in a soft, pained voice - as if it's impossible for him to speak any louder. …I must have inflicted damage onto his voice box when trying to strangle him.

I hope it's permanent.

I pull out completely and then thrust in as hard as I can. He whimpers only slightly and reiterates, as if I couldn't hear him, "Stop…" Oh I heard him all right.

Stop. He wants me to stop. I suppose in his language, stop means do it even more, so stop I shall.

I establish a rough rhythm of thrusting into him as hard as I can. He's crying silently - hurting too much to make any noise. I could care less. I want him to hurt - to burn.

All the while, he's projecting strongly. That night when he was thirteen by the sakura… He keeps remembering how Muraki cursed him and made him his doll. His oh-so-delicate doll I was about to shatter. Gradually in his memories the figure of Muraki changes to me…and now, in his mind, I'm the one who claimed him that night.

He gives me too much credit.

As much as he hates too, he can't help but give in and climax silently. His body tenses and I give in as well, gritting my teeth and letting out an involuntary moan.

My limbs shake a little, being exhausted and drained. I look at the clock and it's a little after four… Sliding out of him and basically ignoring him completely, I stagger over to my bed and collapse on it. …I'm quite pleased to hear that the room is silent.

I situate myself comfortably in my bed and turn over to look at him…and I'm struck with a mixture of surprise and pleasure. He lies on his bed in the exact same way I left him, completely motionless with his head to the side. His eyes - so full of emotion before - are completely blank and empty.

You'd think he was dead if he weren't already.

I suppose I should feel guilty…but the thing is, I don't. I don't at all. With sleep beckoning me, why should I feel bad about a broken toy?

I can always find a new one.

[Your scent, your body, your voice - Why...

Your gestures, your warmth, your hair - Why...

Your sighs, your face

Are they mine when I reach out for them?]

====

Owari

====

Ending notes: In the beginning of writing this, it was SO many different things! A Count Cain fic with Cain/his father (^^;; It was my intention, but I changed my mind before I started writing), Muraki/Hisoka (I took a good look at the lyrics and changed my mind again before writing), Muraki/Tsuzuki (and I wrote!)… Then around where the second lyric block is placed, I realized that it HAD to be just Tsuzuki/Hisoka! So…yeah, that's how this came to be. Believe it or not, I was actually in a pretty good mood while writing disturbing and depressing fic…and to tell you the truth, I rather liked writing this odd take on their relationship… ^_^ …And…you're probably a little confused. I don't blame you! Here are some explanations!

Just overall…it's the little things that drive you insane. (Like me and excessive noise ^^;;) …But in the case of Tsuzuki, the "insanity" is permanent, only because he's such a fragile person…and partly because it was already there. ^_^

Now to the details! First (while I'm looking at it), the black sheep comment. In Devil's Trill, Saagatanasu refers to Tsuzuki as the little black sheep Judas who has forsaken God when he possesses him (er, Saagatanasu possesses Tsuzuki). Hmm, I guess since the demon was a part of Tsuzuki for a while, it kind of accented his cruel side? Anyway, moving on to the roses? Those basically symbolized Muraki. Hisoka saw that since he experienced Tsuzuki's dream as well and felt that Tsuzuki and Muraki's "feel" were becoming the same. I suppose that dream was Tsuzuki actually becoming Muraki, so to say ^^;; That's why he was so…bitchy…to him…and afraid. Hey, you'd be afraid of Muraki, too, if you didn't molest him first! (Muraki: Who's molesting who?) Er, good point ^_^ So finishing up on that detail, when Tsuzuki told Hisoka that the dream was scary, but all right, that really did it in for Hisoka. That basically meant that he was okay with becoming Muraki. …Why is he becoming Muraki? Er…they're so much alike? Seriously, I think they are on the inside! Next detail: Tatsumi. I suppose you could infer a little Tat/Hi ^_^ …Oh come on, Tatsumi makes EVERYTHING better! He should "save the day" more often…er, he probably charges for it, though. …Which is probably why no one ever calls him for help. They should, though. On to "Brat:" …Well…Muraki always called Hisoka brat, so…yeah. That's that.

So…it just kinda ends…yeah. (I don't like the ending, but I don't know how else I could have done so!) Anyway, to those of you who read, thank you very much and please don't hurt me ^^;; I'll admit, though, that I really like this concept of Tsuzuki's "dark side." Maybe I'll do something with it… ^_~

The beautiful Japanese lyrics to Yuuzai! (I wanna listen to the song @_@)

Moshimo uchuu ni kono hoshi futatsu are ba

Ima sugu fune ni tobinori nigedashite

Nidoto musubarenu higeki ni nakebasumu

Yuushin tessen futari o shimetsuketemo

Natsu o ooikosu kurai ni motome gatta

Meguri atta kotoga sude ni yuuzai na noni

Anata no nioi anata no karada anata no koe mo - naze...

Anata no shigusa anata no ondo

te o no bashitara sugu todoku?

Ikutabi uso o tsuke ba jigoku ni ochira reru

Satsui ga tanabi kunara ai wa yuuzai na noni

Anata no nioi anata no karada anata no koe mo - naze...

Anata no shigusa anata no ondo anata no kami mo - naze...

Anata no toiki anata no sugao

te o no bashitara sugu todoku?