Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monster GX Fan Fiction ❯ The Ultimate Mary-Sue Crackfic! ❯ Enter the Mary-Sue! ( Chapter 1 )

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Chapter 1 - Enter the Mary-Sue
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(Que Star Wars Theme)
A long time ago in the country of Egypt (if you seriously don't know that there are only THREE places talked about in this anime, which are Japan, Egypt, and the USA, then go and shoot yourself), far, far away, there lived a young Egyptian girl by the name of Kauket Karaku. 3000 years ago this girl made a deal with everyone's favorite tomb-robber, Tozakuoh Bakura---immortality in exchange for her very soul!

Now, 3000 years later, Bakura, in a major burst of OCCness, finds himself VERY bored without the Pharaoh around.

So...he decides to do the worst possible thing imaginable!
Send her over to Duel Academy!
(Lightning and thunder crash)
However, unbeknownst to either of them, danger lurks in the stars above...
...
....
.....
If you're still reading this you need to get laid...

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"BAKURA! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME, YOU...YOU @$%*^#&!" The teenage girl screeched as her butt was handed over to a goon dressed in a fancy suit, and hauled into a gigantic helicopter. She appeared about sixteen or so, but despite her young appearance, she was just as old as the thief, if not older.
The white-haired, tomb-thief reincarnation grinned.
"Have a good time at school!" he drawled, smirking nastily. "Don't forget to call me and tell me how you're doing!"
"Bakura! This isn't fair! It's downright CRUEL! You know that I can't duel! It's the only thing I suck at!" she wailed.
The thief snickered. "Oh dear."
"I'LL KILL YOU!"
"Too bad I'm already dead!" he said up at the window her face was pressed against smugly.
"Bakura, quit it!" she screamed again, banging on the side of the helicopter with enough force to rival the Incredible Hulk. "Let me out of here, you @#$!"
"Nope. No can do. Just remember our little deal, Kauket...all you need to do is pass the year. Then you're free to go. But if you fail it..." his face took on a somewhat perverted, mixed with malice look, which made her shudder slightly. "You're mine forever."
"I'm gonna end up being yours forever anyway! Can't you just have sex with me now and get it over with?" she cried.
"Well, where's the fun in that? You never know, Kauket. People can do amazing things when they want to get out of something. And besides, you're going to an island where there will be boys. Lots of boys. Lots of horny little boys. With duel decks. And they're probably all so damned bored with dueling that they'll rape you first anyway."
"BAKURA!"
"Besides...it's no fun if I don't torture you a lot first. Just think of that boy you gave your soul up for. You love him enough to put up with a bunch of card-game obsessed morons, right?"
"O-Of course, but-"
"Card-game obsessed morons that'll probably be singing all sorts of friendship songs..."
Her face took on a look of pure terror.
"Having happy parties..."
The look increased ten-fold.
"Playing around with teddy-bears..."
Twitch.
"Nothing can be as bad as what I had to go through with that damned Mazaki (Anzu/Téa bashing bitches) and her friendship speeches, so you have fun and enjoy yourself. Oh, and don't worry, I gave you my old dueling deck in case they make you duel or something. It's in your backpack, right next to your underwear, which yes, I did smell. It's compliments of my ex-host. Bye bye!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
&& &&&
"Stupid Tozakuoh Bakura!"

Kauket hissed to herself, sitting down heavily in a seat, and crossing her arms. If looks could kill, the helicopter would have crashed headfirst into the ocean, blown up, and sent millions of tiny shards hurtling into the atmosphere. "I can't believe he DID this to me!"
FLASHBACK:
We now join Dr. Crowler for this important announcement.
“Uh…excuse me…Mr. Crowler, sir…”
“Mister? Did you just call me MISTER?!”

A feminine-looking, platinum blonde, screamed loud enough to shatter the eardrums of helpless children, as he looked up from the paper he was grading. Actually, from where he was filling in random marks depending on how much he liked the student.
“Oh, sorry,” replied the aide (we shall call him Bob) blushing a bit. “Ms. Crowler...”
Luckily, the pale man didn't catch him. He was too busy trying to get everything situated for his students. No one could ever get enough dueling! (Barf!)
“I have a PhD in Dueling, and I think I have earned the title of Doctor, thank you very much!”

he sighed, crossing his arms.
“Uh…” Bob stammered. “Sure. It's just that…”
"It's just that what?"
Poor Bob twitched. He decided that continuing on with what he was going to say, would only bring him more grief, so he settled for changing the subject.

“Uh…well, as I was saying, there's someone to see you in regards to joining the academy…”
"Well, tell them to quit wasting my time!"

Crowler snapped, looking slightly ruffled. "If they weren't at the entrance examinations in September, then they obviously aren't meant to join our prodigious academy, now are they?"
"But, Dr. Crowler, sir...didn't Mr. Sheppard say that it was only fair that everyone was given a chance to try? He did trust you with taking over his Chancellor position. Besides, we`ve had transfer students here before…haven`t we?"
Crowler dismissed it with a wave of his hand. "Next year.”
"But they've turned in an application-"
"I said Next Year!"
Then, before Bob could say or do anything else there was a loud grunt, a squeal, something that suggested that someone was in extreme pain, and then a shriek. And Doctor Vellian Crowler, the head of Obelisk Blue dorm, and Department Chair of Techniques at Duel Academy, could only gape, along with Bob, up at the source of disruption. A few crickets chirped. Then there was a moment of silence.
“Did you do that?”
“No…”
“Hello there!” a loud voice suddenly hollered, nearly causing them to jump out of their skins.
They looked up just in time to see Crowler's awesome computer screen flash on, and a white-haired teenager clad in a pair of jeans, striped blue and white t-shirt, and a black trench-coat, smiled out from the screen at them. (Look who is it! Hahaha!)
“Pleasure to meet you, Miss!” The boy began, cheekily, smiling seductively up at Crowler, mistaking him for a woman in the blink of an eye. (Who EVER hasn't?) He had a heavy British accent, and chocolate brown eyes that seemed to glitter in the fluorescent lights. But, unfortunately, Crowler was not a women. “Excuse me?!” he shrieked, looking utterly offended.
His eye twitched.
The boy didn't seem to notice, and continued to press him.

"See, Kauket here just couldn't decide whether or not to wear black panties or the pink ones since this is her first time meeting a Chancellor and all-"
There was a female teenager standing next to him that tried to scream something out, but that proved pretty futile since she looked like one of the characters starring a bad horror movie. Her arms were bound, her mouth was gagged, and she was glancing around, trying to plot her escape. She looked about sixteen, with dark lavender eyes, surrounded by thick black eyeliner, and brown hair, pulled behind her head in a loose bun, with several strands falling into her eyes.
Crowler blinked. Then blinked again.
Finally, "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

He screamed, glancing from the boy, back to the girl, and then back again. “And what the hell are you doing in my computer?!”
The boy only shrugged. "Didn`t you hear? She wants to join your academy," he said, pointing to the girl.
Crowler's face turned an angry shade of red.

"...what?"
"I said she wants to join your academy. She saw a television commercial and decided that it was JUST the place for her!”
"You mean to tell me that that girl is a DUELIST?" the blue-clad Obelisk leader/Chancellor screamed.
The boy nodded.
"Y-You can't be SERIOUS!" Crowler shouted.
The boy's lip curled upwards. "It's true.”
"S-SHE'S BOUND AND GAGGED!" Crowler roared, looking at him in disbelief.

“HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY COMPUTER SCREEN?! I'M NOT AN IDIOT, BOY! IS THIS SOME KIND OF PRANK?"
“Uh…no.”
“THEN WHY ON EARTH IS SHE BOUND AND GAGGED?”
"…she misses home?" the boy replied, feigning innocence.
Bob couldn't help but grin. This kid had guts.
"That is the dumbest thing I`ve EVER HEARD!" In all his years at the academy Dr. Vellian Crowler had NEVER seen anything remotely like this!
“Atticus, I swear to GOD if you have something to do with this-” he threatened.
"Uh...we don't know any Atticus, but Kauket is pretty outrageous with her cards!" the boy said, glancing the girl over.

“You really should let her in. She's a total cutie, too, right? Might score you some points with your boys, eh?"
She glared back at him. If looks could kill, the boy probably would have been thrown headfirst into the ocean, blown up, and millions of tiny shards of his body would have been sent hurtling into the atmosphere.
“Uh, well…we're all filled up. I'm sorry. Afraid it's too late. Try again next year,” Crowler told them.
The boy sighed.

“We figured you'd say that, so I got this little paper here. Have a quick looksie, eh?” he said, holding it up to the screen.
"P-Paper?" Crowler asked in a deadly whisper, practically gouging it out with his eyes.
The boy just continued grinning his obnoxious grin, as Crowler`s face took on a look of both rage, nervousness, and surprise.
"I take it you can see that it's from Seto Kaiba himself,” the boy said. “And I suspect that pretty soon you'll be getting a phone-call…”
And just like that, the phone rang.
Crowler sweat-dropped and turned back to the white-haired boy, defeat clear on his face.
"I see..." Crowler said slowly.
"I'm very sure you do."
END FLASHBACK:
“How the HELL did he manage to FIND me anyway? I was SO careful!"
FLASHBACK:
Ding-dong!
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" said a smiling Kauket, happily making her way to the front door. Everything was perfect. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, she had just gotten a pay raise at work. Yes, everything was going perfectly.
Oh, what a beautiful mornin', Oh, what a beautiful day. I got a beautiful feelin', Everything's goin' my way.
That is, until she opened the door.
(Que Psycho Theme)
"AHHHHH!" she screamed in horror upon seeing the thief-king. She tried the slam the door in his face, but he had stuck his foot in the way to keep it from closing.
"Well hello there, darling. Long time, no see!" he leered.
"NO! GO AWAY! HOW DID YOU FIND ME? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!" she screamed.
Bakura fell over.

"YOU CAN'T KILL THE DARKNESS, FOOL!" he screamed back.
Okay...so he WASN'T dead, like she had hoped. But she wasn't going to question how he cheated death, either. He'd probably drag it out into two-hours of how he was smarter, braver, and better-looking then the Pharaonic scum that had tried to kill him, but failed. TWICE.
"And as to finding you, I have many sources, Kaede Karaku," he grinned cheekily. "I figured you'd come up with some kind of alias, but honestly, though..." he looked at her as though she had sprouted two-heads. "Kaede?"
"Yes, Kaede. Now kindly get the hell off my porch!"
"Aw, c'mon! Don't you want to see how I finally managed to catch you, Kauket?"
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
He twisted his pointer finger through his ear.

"Uhm...but isn't that your name?"
"NOT ANYMORE, NUMB-SKULL! IT'S KAEDE NOW, GOT IT?"
"Okay, okay, no need to bitch at me! After all, it's been almost five years since I last saw that lovely face of yours!"
He reached down and pulled a young boy with pitch black hair up and off the floor by the scruff of his neck.
"And in order to see it again, all I had to do was come across this little urchin here."
"Hey," stated the kid, looking up at her. "Please, kill me."
Kauket sweat-dropped.
"His older brother is rich," Bakura explained, noticing the look of confusion on Kauket's face.

"Everytime I kidnap him, he gives me money. That or information. And I wanted some information regarding you. And...our deal!"
Thunder and lightning crashed in the background.
"Get outta here kid," he muttered, letting the younger Kaiba go.

The kid ran away like a bat out of hell. Which was the exact same thing that Kauket wanted to do at this very moment. Too bad Bakura was evil, had weird magical powers, and probably wasn't going to let her.
"Eh...kidnapping that brat has become almost too easy!" Bakura continued. "So, how have you been Kauket? Looks like you've managed to age quite nicely, haven't you? Actually, it looks you haven't aged a DAY!" He had to bite back a laugh at that.
She glared.
"Shut the hell up, Tozakuoh! I thought that we had a deal! You told me the last time that I had well-over another 100 years before you came to claim me as your personal pet."
He chuckled. "Actually, I'm here to make another deal with you. You see, since the Pharaoh managed to lock his soul away in the afterlife, I've become quite bored per say...decided to search you out and make things between us more interesting. I've decided to let you go."
"Whoopie."
"Forever, Kauket...under one condition."
Her ears twitched. "What?"
"You heard me. That IS the thing you want most in the world, right? Your freedom?"
"...I'm listening."
"You go to school and pass the year. Sound fair enough?"
Her eyes narrowed. "Just...attend school and pass the year? What are you planning?"
"Nothing. That's it."
"That's it? No strings attached?"
"That's it. No strings attached. You're a smart girl, am I right?"
She rolled her impassive lavender eyes. "Duh."
"However..." he continued, looking serious. "If you fail the year...you belong to me automatically. No more waiting 100 more years to get my hands on you or my fangs into you. Do you understand?"
"Well," she sighed. "It does seem reasonable enough."
"So...we have an accord?" He held out his hand.
She took it without hesitation, missing the evil grin on his lips. "Gladly."
Little had she known, she just sealed her own fate.
FLASHBACK END:
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"Dammit, Bakura...you rotten, little sneak! I'm going to KILL you!"
"Excuse me?" the pilot caught her attention, smiling broadly.
"Uh...yeah?"
"We're almost there, see?”
Kauket looked out the window...and saw...an island.
Ooh, an island.
Yippee.

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip. That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailing man
The skipper brave and sure...

(Gilligan's Island Theme)

"WHO THE $&*% KEEPS DOING THAT?!"

Kauket screamed, looking around for the source of the noise. Everyone sitting near her just looked at her like she was retarded.
"Uh...if you don't mind my asking, I was wondering how you managed to get into Duel Academy, without facing one of the Professor's?" the Captain questioned, trying to make conversation.

"Everyone's going be a little curious, since they've all heard about you, I'm sure. New students tend to gain reputation fast."
Kauket turned to him, frowning slightly. “Huh…? Face one of the Professor's?" she asked. "And what do you mean they've all heard about me?"
"Yes. It's pretty much a standard that all new students are required to take part in. You must face one of the Professor's that teach at Duel Academy in a duel, and win. You must also take the entrance exam, and pass, in order to enter."
"WHAT? Bakura never told me about an entrance exam! Or having to face one the Professor's! That &$#^%@*! It was just this morning that I even found out that this was a dueling academy for teenage kids!!!"
FLASHBACK:
"Uh...Bakura...is there anything I should really know about this school before I go?"
"No. Don't worry about it. I took care of everything."
"So...what type of school is it?"
"Oh...a boarding school...for dueling..."
"WHAT?"
"Quick, get the chloroform!"
(It's the BURNING Form-u-la!!!)
Insert being bound and gagged noises HERE.
FLASHBACK END:
"Since you didn't take either of them, I'm sure that everyone is curious as to see how well you duel. To be accepted without taking the exams...that must make you one exceptionally powerful Duelist."
Exceptionally powerful Duelist...
Exceptionally powerful Duelist...
Exceptionally powerful Duelist...
(Que 'Ride of the Valkyries')
"Da-da-da-daa-dah! Da-da-da-daa-dah! Da-da-da-daa-dah, dah, da-da-daaaaaaaaaaaah!"
"NO WAY!!! Bakura made me into a %&^*ingMary-Sue!!!"
Kauket threw-up. No joke, she seriously threw-up. All over the floor.
"AHHHH!"
"Oh crap."
"No!" the Captain hollered. "Somebody help her! And get a bucket!"
"Oh Ra, oh Ra, oh Ra!"
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Somewhere far, far away, Bakura sneezed.
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Soon afterwards, they landed, and poor Kauket jumped out of the helicopter, looking sicker than sin. They were finally here. Here in this horrible, horrifying place where everyone was going to think that she was a %&^*ing Mary-Sue that couldn't duel. Damn Bakura!
The Captain looked her over, helping her to regain her balance.

"Are you alright, Miss?" he asked, handing her her bag.
"Yeah, I'm fine, whatever."
He nodded.

"Have you ever ridden a helicopter before? Or a plane?"
She glared evenly back at him.

"Yes, why?"
"Oh!" he blushed. "Well, it's just that...you had motion sickness."
"..."
"Also, you're extremely tan and well...I was just curious..."
"..."
"And thought maybe..."
"Are you implying that just because I'm Egyptian that I've never sat on a plane before?" she questioned calmly.

Oh, everyone's a little bit racist, sometimes. Doesn't mean we go around committing hate criiiiiimes. Look around and you will find, no one's really color blind. Maybe it's a fact we all should faaaaaace. Everyone makes judgments, Based on race...

(Avenue Q - Everyone's a little bit racist)

His silence confirmed it. A vein throbbed in her forehead.
"RACIST BASTARD!" she screamed, stepping on his foot as hard as she could.
The pilot wailed in pain before falling over.
"Freaking jerk," she mumbled before walking away.
"Wait!" the pilot groaned. "Please come back! Take me to the medic!"
Then he promptly passed-out.
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"Okay...let's see...that looks like the main building...where the hell IS everyone? This place feels like a prison."
Ring-ring!!!
Kauket froze. A strange noise was coming from her bag. Reaching into the front pocket, her eyes widened in surprise when she saw what it was.
A cell-phone?
Suddenly, the guy from those Verizon commercials slowly walked by, in that retarded little way of his. "Can you hear me now?" he asked creepily.
"Huh?" Kauket twitched.
"Can you hear me now?" he asked again.
"Uhm...what?"
The guy looked a little ticked. "Can you hear me now?"
"I-I'm not sure-"
"I asked if you could %#$@ING hear me now, bitch!" the guy screamed, finally losing it.
"Uh...y-yes."
"Good!" And then he walked away like everything was normal.
Poor Kauket trembled. These people were scary.
Opening the cell-phone up, she nearly screamed in frustration at what the new text-message said.
Have a super-special-awesome day, Kauket, you top-rank duelist! Don't forget that you have an image to uphold! XOXO Bakura.
"YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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Somewhere far, far away, Bakura sneezed again.
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Ten minutes later Kauket found herself in a stuffy office, looking up at the same guy that she saw through the computer. He must have died three times and been brought back to life at least twice. She had decided, since the last time she had seen him, that his name was to be 'Ugly Helga.' He looked like a woman and smelled like an 'Ugly Helga' too.
"Now look here, Miss Kaede Karaku," Helga said her name in a voice that could kill a donkey-it was even worse up close, "You are new here to Duel Academy, and we expect you to be on your BEST behavior while you are here. This is a dueling school for the best, not some second-rate scum."
Kaede winced. "Geez...his voice...it's like someone ate a horse..."
"And furthermore..."
"And that OUTFIT! It looks like something out of the Renaissance!"
"Blah, blah, blah..."
"And what's up with that lipstick? You're WAAAY too pale for that shade, dude!"
"I haven't the slightest idea how you managed to get into this school without any credentials, any experience with a proctor, or any testing, as it would NEVER have happened under my watch, but you are here nonetheless..."
"Uh huh..."
"And you will prove to me and to the others that you are worthy to be here, will you not?"
"Uh...sure."
"Speaking of which, how DID Bakura get me here without those exams anyway?"
FLASHBACK:
"Hello there, Kaiba...I've kidnapped your little brother again," Bakura sang through the computer screen, where his image had leaked through.
Kaiba looked at him grumpily. So that's why Mokuba had missed dinner. "So I see."
"I suppose you know that I expect something in order to give him back," the thief said.
"Yeah, sure. You want to Duel me or something?" Kaiba asked in a rather bored tone.
This whole kidnapping his little brother all-the-time thing was getting rather ridiculous.
Couldn't the thief just come and ASK him politely for once? He wasn't THAT big of an asshole, was he?
"As tempting as that sounds, no. All I need is for you to indulge me with some information, and make a few phone calls."
"What kind of information and what kind of phone calls?"
"Oh, you'll see..."
FLASHBACK END:
Helga reached into his desk and pulled out two pens, red and green.

"Now, you see these pens here?"
Kauket nodded.
"If you do well, I mark your progress report with the green pen. And if you do bad, I mark it with the red pen. Do you have any questions?"
"No, I'm good. Pens are awesome. I love pens. We should talk about pens sometime."
"Especially when you end up going crazy and killing everyone with a sawed-off shotgun. Man, can you feel the tension in here? It almost reminds me of the time that I had that Yo Mama match with Bakura..."
FLASHBACK:
Bakura: "Your mama's so fat that when she went to Arby's, she tripped over McDonald's and landed on K-mart!"
Kauket: "Your mama's so fat that she eat's Wheat THICKS."
Bakura: "Your mama's so dumb she got hit with a coffee cup and said she got mugged!"
Kauket: "Your mama's so poor she watches telelvision on an etch-a-sketch!"
Bakura: "Your mama's so fat her body has time-zone's!"
"Phfft," Kauket rolled her eyes. "That is SO old. Did this one! YOUR mama's so nasty that when I asked her what was for dinner she opened up her legs and said crabs."
Bakura's teeth gritted in anger. "..."
"Hahahahaha, beat that BITCH!"
FLASHBACK END:
"Talk about pens?"
"Yepp!" she grinned crazily.

"Oh, and just so you know, I'm cool with it and all!"
He raised an eyebrow.

"...cool with what?"
"Uh...you were a woman in a past-life, right?"
There was dead silence in the room.
"Uh...sir, you have a vein in your forehead that looks like it's about to burst-" Kauket informed.
The green pen went flying into the garbage can.

It's the Eye of the Tiger
It's the thrill of the fight
Rising up to the challenge of our rivals...

(Survivor - Eye of the Tiger)

"Welcome to Duel Academy, Slifer." Helga hissed, looking as though he was going to combust at any moment.
"Oh SHIT."
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(Meanwhile)
A handsome white-haired boy sat up in his bed, gasping for air. (It's the masculine Mary-Sue for all you stupid folks!)
Something was telling him to run away as fast as he could...