Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ As If! ❯ The Heart of the Cards ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

*Author's Note: Okay, this note is going to be a long one, because I have a lot to explain. My apologies for this. You may skip ahead to the fic itself, if you like. You won't miss any plot here, because there IS no plot.

First off, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! or its characters, nor do I wish to. All I wish to possess is a pretty picture or good, completed fic of Yugi with angel wings. I've been searching long and hard for them, and have entirely failed to find them. For the love of Re, or Seshat, or, er, whatever the deity of drawing would have been... ...anyway, for the love of them, please, if you know where I could find one of these, tell me!!

The characters on the show are called by their American dubbed names. Technically, "Yami Yugi" would be the proper name for Yugi's partner, but I'm using "Yami" instead. Other similar characters -- like Yami Bakura -- will be given their full names. Seto Kaiba will usually be called "Kaiba," except where he might be confused with Mokuba.

When I started writing this thing, I wasn't sure how much I was going to do -- or even if I was going to post it at all. I actually started writing it at episode 20, which makes updates very confusing. New chapters will always be put at the end of the fic, whatever their proper place. This way, it will be clear which are new, and also, it will allow people to review (since you can't review a chapter-slot twice). Then they'll be moved, if necessary, to their rightful place. I'm not going to be changing the author's notes, so you might notice some jumps in the time frame there.

One point I want to make clear is that you shouldn't judge the fic by the opening here, where I'm MSTing the narration word-for-word. This is NOT what I do later. If you don't like it, please consider scanning ahead to where the show itself starts. However, all parts of the fic DO contain running jokes that will go on for as long as the fine people of YGO keep laying down golden tracks for them. Consider yourself warned!

I try to avoid Japanese/Egyptian as much as possible in here, except for cases where I want a character to say something that the others don't understand. This will usually be in Egyptian (albeit modern Egyptian, since I only know a few words of ancient, and they don't usually fit well into modern fonts -- I apologize for this). I do not consider this giving into the Japanese/Egyptian-using side of things -- I still consider fics like that to be "badly dubbed." Oh, and by the way, I'm learning Japanese, so this is not out of ignorance.

Some of the ideas used in this fic come, of course, from other fics and from my dear friends. These are so numerous, and sometimes subtle, that I could not even begin to name them all. Ones used directly will, of course, be credited, but for the rest I shall here merely say a heartfelt "thank you, for your hours of patient listening while I ramble obsessively about a show you couldn't care less about!"

My last note is a request for all who can to review. I desperately desire knowledge as to whether or not this is funny, because it is my first serious foray into the world of humor, and I need as much advice as I can get. There are some things that stick in my mind such that I notice them every time I see the show -- such as Kaiba's tendency to use sentence fragments -- but I don't know if they're actually funny or not. That's why I need your help.

And now, since that has been more than enough rambling, I present to you the bizarre and zany collection of oddities that I call "As If!"

9/28/02 Update: This fic was originally uploaded on fanfiction.net. It was removed today, however, and so is being moved to MediaMiner. Except for this notice, it is not being altered, and so responses to reviews and grumblings about ff.net will remain, regardless of applicability. I hope this is not too troublesome, but it should not be, as Author's Notes can always be safely skipped.*

Shadow Plot...

The group was enjoying a nice, peaceful day playing in the park. That is, they WERE... until a freak warp in the space-time continuum swept them up and back into the past... a past that shifted at every turn and folded back over itself, to be repeated again, and again...

Narrator: Long ago, when the Pyramids were still young, Egyptian kings played a game of great and terrible power...

Téa: What, no queens? That's sexist!

Yugi: Well, it WAS a few millennia ago, Téa... There weren't that many queens.

Joey: Gee, it must've been boring back then, with so few players...

Tristan: Yeah, you should be thankful that you live in the present! There might be a player somewhere that you might possibly be able to beat!

Joey: Ha, ha, very funny...

Narrator: ...but these "Shadow Games" erupted into a war that threatened to destroy the entire world...

Tristan: Call me out of the loop here, but why would you even start playing something called a "shadow game?" What good could it possibly do you?

Narrator: ...until a brave and powerful pharaoh locked the magic away...

Yami: *preens*

Téa: Is it just me, or are they calling pretty much everything powerful?

Yami: Be quiet, you.

Narrator: ...imprisoning it within the mystical Millennium Items.

Tristan: No, see? There it's "mystical."

Téa: *rolls eyes* Oh, yes, how about that.

Narrator: Now, five thousand years later, a boy named...

Yugi: *interrupts* Wait a second... Didn't they just say this was happening "when the pyramids were young?" They weren't even built five thousand years ago!

Joey: Now that's what I call "young!"

((A/N: The accuracy of that statement has to do with which reports one believes. They all say different things. The best theory that I ever heard was that it was built by the hichou pengin, who subsequently left upon realizing that they couldn't live in the desert.))

Narrator: ...Yugi unlocks the secret of the Millennium Puzzle.

Yugi: *scratches head* Strange use of the word "secret," but alright...

Narrator: He is infused with ancient magical energies...

Yugi: Whoaaa, hold on, there! "EnerGIES?!" Having one voice in my head that tells me to burn... er, kill things is bad enough! I don't want any more!*Everyone else backs away nervously.*

Narrator: ...for destiny has chosen him to defend the world from the return of the Shadow Games...

Joey: So who's this "Destiny" chika?

Téa: *sweatdrops* It's an abstract concept, J...*A girl with blonde hair, a horrible past, skimpy clothing, and the power to make boys swoon and kitchens burst into flame appears.*

Destiny: Hi!

Téa: ...or a Mary Sue. o.O;;

Narrator: ...just as the brave pharaoh did, five thousand years ago.

Joey: I'm confused. What was it that the pharaoh did? Was he infused with energies? Or did he choose someone to protect the world? Or did he defend against the return of the Shadow Games himself? *everyone looks at him to see if he's joking* ...what? It's a valid question!

Téa: No... it's not.

*Scene: During the opening, Yugi is standing with his eyes closed and his arms out to the side.*

Téa: What are you doing there?

Yugi: Meditating. It helps me get in touch with my inner axe-murderer.

*Scene: Yugi is starting to transform.*

Tristan: *impressed* Those have to be some of the most detailed ears I have ever seen on an anime character!

Yugi: ...a what?

Tristan: *sees the authoress glaring at him* Um, er, never mind.

*Scene: The spiraling Yugis.*

Yugi: Look! Definitive proof that we're the same height!

Yami: Nope, sorry. Those are both me.

Yugi: WHAT?

Yami: Look at the eyes! The hair! The shirt! The shoes! Heck, even the posturing!

Yugi: Damn it! I was so close! *curses in a very un-Yugi-esque way*

*Scene: Some special effects.*

Téa: That has to be some very complex symbolism! The way the figure of Yugi with two shadows gets whirled into the vortex that Yami usually appears out of, with all that golden writing underneath, and then when it starts spinning the other way, there are all those pictures of Egypt, and monsters, and duelists...

Joey: Hey, yeah! So what does it mean, Téa?

Téa: How should I know?!

Joey: *sweatdrops*

*Note: Seriously, you should tape the opening sometime and watch it in slow-motion, if you haven't already. There's enough food for thought there to last you a week -- and scenes that make spoilers redundant. My favorites are the one with the purple eyes and the Puzzle over the altar and incense burners, and the one with the four slanty-eyed duelists that aren't Bakura (can anyone say "couplings?").*

*Scene: The show starts, and we see Joey and Yugi dueling.*

Yugi: Hey, Joey! Earth to Joey! Hey, are you in there?

Téa: *shrugs* Is he ever?

*Scene: Tristan wanders by.*

Tristan: Aww, isn't he cute when he's thinking? *huggles Joey*Téa, Bakura, and the other watchers: Aww! What a cute couple!

*Scene: Joey finally plays a card.*

Joey: Pretty good move, huh, Yugi!

Yugi: 800/400?! That move stinks!

Joey: *sweatdrops* Thanks for breakin' it gentle.

*Scene: Yugi is trying to be nice, and giving an alternate explanation instead of "you can't play."*

Yugi: My grandpa has a game shop, and I get all my best cards from him.

Joey: Your own game shop?!

Téa: I get the feeling these two don't know each other very well...

Tristan: Yeah. And is it just me, or would Yugi get all his cards from his grandpa's shop? You know -- loyalty.

*Scene: Yugi's an honestly nice guy.*

Yugi: Maybe I could even get my grandpa to show us this super-rare card he's got.

Kaiba: Rare card? Could they have found the card I've been looking for?

Yugi: *scratches head* Well, we didn't really find it, it was more kinda given to us...

Kaiba: Aww, what's the fun, then?

*Scene: They get to the Game Shop, and Gramps agrees to show them the card.*

Grandpa: The Blue-Eyes White Dragon. So rare, so powerful, I never let it leave my hands.

Tristan: Hmm. *leans over and takes it*

Joey: *sweatdrops* Guess ya can't say that anymore.

*Scene: A customer -- Kaiba -- startles everyone by coming in and, *gasp!*, trying to buy a card.*

Kaiba: Can it be? The Blue-Eyes White Dragon in a dump like this?

Téa: Oh, yeah. It's always good to start off negotiations with a good insult or two.

*Scene: Kaiba reveals his evil intents.*

Kaiba: Name your price. I can pay anything you ask.

Téa: ...this guy really has no clue how to negotiate, does he?

Yugi: I guess he should be thankful he got to inherit his father's company.

*Scene: Fortunately, Yugi's grandfather will not play along with such a hideous scheme, and refuses to sell the card.*

Kaiba: *in his limo* Heart in the cards, ridiculous. These cards are all about power.Chauffeur: Um... nobody mentioned the heart of the cards yet, sir...

Kaiba: I know that! It's called "foreshadowing," you fool.

*Scene: The next day, we see the gang walking to the Game Shop.*

Joey: I hope he has some cool cards today.

Tristan: Me, too!

Téa: Yeah!

Yugi: Er, no offense, but why do you two care? You don't even play...

*Scene: Grandpa isn't there, and so Yugi answers the Game Shop phone when it rings.*

Yugi: Hello, Game Shop!

Kaiba: Ah, Yugi, perfect.

Yugi: Kaiba?!

Kaiba: Your grandfather's here visiting, but he's not feeling well. Why don't you come by my office and pick him up?

Yugi: Kaiba?! What have you done, Kaiba?!

Kaiba: Nothing! He was here visiting, got sick, and now I'm trying to get him help! Is that so wrong?!

*Scene: Or perhaps...*

Kaiba: Why do you think I did something? You can't see the soullessness of my blue eyes over the telephone.

*Scene: Maybe this could have happened...*

Téa: Maybe we should check to make sure he's not in the back room or something, first. For all we know, Kaiba wants you there so he can... can... seduce you, or something!

Yugi: No time! *runs off*

Grandpa: *walks out, carrying a stack of boxes* Sorry, I was just doing inventory, did I miss anything?Others: *groan* Ah, shit.

*Scene: Here's another look...*

Joey: *dances* Woohoo! We get to see the offices of Kaiba Corp!!

*Scene: Who knows? There are lots of possibilities.*

Yami: *sighs* And thus begins your grandfather's obsession with being kidnapped.

Yugi: Er, well, actually...

Yami: Yes?

Yugi: *decides, on reflection, NOT to tell Yami this has happened before* ...nevermind.

*Scene: But it's what happens on the show that really matters, so let's see what happens as Kaiba tears up that famous Blue-Eyes White Dragon.*

Grandpa: My Blue-Eyes White Dragon! My treasure!

Yugi: *bitterly* Oh, yeah. Feel the love.

*Scene: Same, this time by Hika!*

Grandpa: My Blue-Eyes White Dragon! My treasure! MY PRECIOUS! MY PRECIOUSS ISSS LOSSST!

*Scene: Grandpa wants Yugi to teach Kaiba a lesson for him.*

Yugi: But Grandpa, you need help. I've got to get you to a doctor!

Kaiba: Sounds like an excuse. Your friends can care for your grandfather, while you and I duel. Unless you're afraid.

Yugi: But why do you want to duel me that much? I should be the one taunting you into letting me avenge my grandpa!

Kaiba: Um, well, uh... er... ...can I get back to you on that?

*Scene: Everyone but Yugi is in agreement that Yugi should duel.*

Joey: We can take care of your grandpa while you take care of Creepy Kaiba.

Kaiba: *sarcastic* Oh, there's an original name. Did you think that up all by yourself?

*Scene: More convincing.*

Joey: Trust me, you're like the best player I've ever seen and you got the Millennium Puzzle. You can do this, Yugi.

Téa: Wow, I'd forgotten that we knew about Yami and the Puzzle back then...

*Scene: Téa gets into the game.*

Téa: Everyone, put your hands together, and I'll mark us with a special sign. *draws a smiley face on their hands*

Yugi: *looks at it and screams* Ahhh! It's the Angel of Death!!!! *runs around screaming his head off*

Téa: Ah... whoops...

Kaiba: ...is he always like this?*Everyone else nods sadly.*

*Scene: Okay, fine, so it wasn't the Angel of Death. It could've been!*

Téa: It's a symbol of our friendship, so when Yugi's dueling, no matter how tough it gets, he'll know that he's not alone.

Yugi: *cheerfully* But when you're schizophrenic, you're never alone! ^_^

*Note: Taken from a mock group therapy slogan.*

*Scene: Since Yugi's already being poisoned by toxic permanent ink, he might as well duel.*

Kaiba: Are you ready to play, runt?

Yugi: Playtime is over, Kaiba! Yu-gi-oh!!!

Kaiba: Oh, great, he's screaming again... and, er, glowing.

*Scene: Challenge Yugi, and you get Yami.*

Kaiba: Ah! What the...!

Yugi: *mentally; taunts* I've got you now! People definitely can tell when I transform!

Yami: *mentally* Yeah, yeah. Shut up.

*Scene: They start playing, and happen to note the huge monsters beneath them.*

Kaiba: It's my virtual simulator. It creates life-like holograms of every Duel Monster.

Yami: So this is how you beat my grandfather!Mokuba: *sadly* I'm not sure I'll ever figure out why a change of arena also changes the odds... the game's still the same, isn't it?

*Scene: Joey comes running in, after spending some time admiring the inside of the elevator.*

Joey: Wha? Monsters? Real monsters?

Kaiba: Well, yeah. Why did you think the Kaiba Corp. buildings were so big? I have to house half a dozen of each kind!

*Scene: Kaiba just used Saggi the Dark Clown with the Negative Energy Generator.*

Kaiba: As you can see, combining cards can be very effective.

Yami: Ohhh, now I get it! Like this? *flops down his entire hand on the field, releasing Exodia*

*Kaiba starts cursing violently enough to make Mokuba faint.*

*Scene: Alright, so that didn't happen yet. Let's try with Yami's ACTUAL response.*

Yami: He's good. He knows every aspect of this game.

Kaiba: ... They put Magic Cards and Traps in there for a reason, you know...

*Scene: Kaiba starts beating the pants off Yami.*

Yami: My grandpa is a great man, and a better duelist than you'll ever be. He entrusted me with his cards, and I can feel his heart in this deck. I doubt you have that kind of faith in your cards, Kaiba.

Kaiba: I don't need faith. This is my deck -- I know what cards I have, and what I don't. Knowledge is better.

Yami: Yeah, okay, fine. Lucky bastard.

*Scene: Kaiba is about to draw another card.*

Kaiba: This'll be over sooner than you think. *draws* I call on the Blue-Eyes White Dragon! *plays the card he just drew*

Joey: Man! How'd he predict that before he drew?!

Yami: Just... ignore it...

*Scene: Everyone is amazed by that play, but for a slightly different reason.*

Kaiba: Surprised? Did you think that your grandfather was the only one to possess a Blue-Eyes White Dragon?

Yami: Considering that there are four, and he had only one... no.

*Scene: Yami is a bit too dense to recognize Exodia.*

Grandpa: For someone claiming to have faith, you're giving up too easily, Yugi.

Yugi: Wow. It's almost like he *knows.*

*Note: As in, about Yami. But that was obvious, right?*

*Scene: Grandpa explains about how some things in Duel Monsters are like a puzzle.*

Yami: Ah, like the Millennium Puzzle?

Grandpa: Exactly. Each piece helps build a greater entity...

Yami: I sure as hell am a greater entity!

Grandpa: *sighs* You're missing the point, here...

*Scene: Yami has played the Swords of Revealing Light, thus freezing Kaiba's monsters.*

Kaiba: Though neither dragon can move for one more turn, my next card is the third Blue-Eyes White Dragon!

Yami: Okay, that's just evil.

*Scene: Kaiba is starting to taunt already. Poor Kaiba... you almost have to pity him.*

Kaiba: It's over, Yugi. You were never a match for me.

Yami: I repeat... WHY did you challenge me, then?

Kaiba: Alright, I came up with an excuse. With it this way, you got to stay in character.

*Scene: Yami is trying to explain why Kaiba would throw away an insanely valuable card.*

Yami: Kaiba had three Blue-Eyes White Dragons all along. He only wanted Grandpa's card so it could never be used against him.

Joey: That has to be the worst logic I've heard all day...

*Scene: Then, however, he gets back to his senses, and plays his trump card.*

Kaiba: Exodia! It's not possible! No one's ever been able to call him!

Yami: Yeah. Y'know, I'm actually kinda impressed you bothered creating an image for him.

*Scene: Time for some lessons in life from the homicidal maniac.*

Yami: You play only for power, Kaiba, and that is why you lost, but if you put your heart in the game, there is nothing you can't do.

Kaiba: Sorry, did you say something? I was lost in your eyes...

*Scene: Alright, Kaiba was a fair bit more horrified than that.*

Kaiba: But... but how? How could I have lost to him?!

Yami: Kaiba, if you truly want to know, open your mind!

Kaiba: Nah, it's okay. It's just a game, after all. Besides, you probably just cheated, or something.

Yami: *stops mid-gesture and grumbles* Mortals these days...