Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Behind Blue Eyes ❯ Day Seven: Mean It ( Chapter 22 )
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: kiokukaiba 
A cute short that reveals a few truths previously kept secret. Will these things bring them closer together, or farther apart?
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 01.10.2008 | Updated On: 01.10.2008 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.2K | Visits: 611 | Status: Work In Progress
A cute short that reveals a few truths previously kept secret. Will these things bring them closer together, or farther apart?
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Hentai / Drama | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 01.10.2008 | Updated On: 01.10.2008 | Pages: 4 | Words: 5.2K | Visits: 611 | Status: Work In Progress
Behind Blue Eyes
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Disclaimer: Yugioh equals not mine. Story equals MIIIINE!.
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Recap:
I no longer held any doubt in my mind. I loved Seto no matter what. I had also made up my mind about one very important thing. . .
. . . Saki had to die, even if I had to be the one to deal him his brutal ending. A lifetime in prison was better than allowing Saki another chance to harm Seto.
- - -
Seto sat at the kitchen table tapping his hands lightly against the wooden surface, his eyes wandering aimlessly as he sighed enough for the both of us. I had taken note of how he cringed slightly when he sat down, the pain coming from an obvious, and expected, location.
I stood at the stove doing my best to prepare a breakfast that was actually edible this time. I was trying hard not to let my mind wander or let myself get distracted, but considering the most recent of events, that was easier said than done.
The fact that such a thing was able to happen is devastating enough, but the fact that Seto had hardly any reaction at all about it just added to how twisted it was. . . or was he hiding it from me? Had he, in order to protect himself from further harm, bottled all of his emotions up for him to bear alone just as he always used to do? Had my negligence caused him to revert to his previous ways? I snuck a peek at him over my shoulder and he caught me in the act.
“Don’t burn the eggs again.” Dark blue eyes peered at me from beneath perfect brown bangs. “I’d rather not go out today.”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t.” I faced my task once more, but not before catching the way that Seto pursed his lips at my comment. “I won’t burn them again.” I told him, trying to change the subject quickly. I tried to flip the mass of egg over in the skillet with my spatula, but it wouldn’t budge.
“What’s that smell then?” Seto inquired. I didn’t even have to look at him to know that he was smirking.
“It’s your upper lip.” I shot back.
“Is that so?” He asked. The tone of his voice told me that some smart-ass comment was soon to follow. “I suppose it smells because I’ve been kissing a dog.”
I flipped off the burner and moved the skillet to another one. “Oh? So you’re into beastiality now, huh?” I faced him, leaning against the oven door. I returned the smirk that was now widening on his lips. “What kind of dog do you prefer?” I questioned, finding myself on a roll.
“Golden Retriever.” He answered without even a second of hesitation. Damn, he was good.
His smile faded into a frown as he turned his attention away from me and to his bandaged arms. He stared at them intently, his brows knitting together just beneath his bangs.
“Do they hurt?” I asked with sincere concern.
“Yes.” He replied, pursing his lips again. “It hurts more than I remember.” More than he remembered? So he had been bound before. . . “It almost feels like I used a jagged-edged knife to cut them or something?”
“You’re slit your wrists before?” My heart began to race as I stepped to the table-side in a panic. He jumped a little in his seat when I slammed my hands down, causing himself pain in the process. Seto only closed his eyes and said nothing. “Seto-”
“Yes.” He slowly reopened his eyes, but still wouldn’t look at me. “Yes I have.” His hands were now clasped together on the table in front of him and his fingers curled and uncurled repeatedly.
I wanted to ask him why he would ever cut himself, but I was afraid of the answer that I would receive. There were very few reasons for someone to cut themself. Some people just wanted attention, others liked the pain. . .
“I happen to know that Seto likes it rough.”
No, not that. . . some people cut to take their mind off of other things. With everything that Seto had been through in his life, most of which was probably still being kept secret from me, it was highly likely that this was his reason, however. . . there are those people that cut their wrists with the intent to kill, and with the image of Seto’s gun still appearing fresh in my mind, death was probably his ultimate goal.
When I finished picking my own brain I noticed that Seto’s head was now bowed, his body hunched over in the chair and his hands now squeezed tightly together. I couldn’t see his eyes because his hair fell in front of them, but the way his body shuttered told me that he was crying.
“Why?” He asked, trying his best to hide his sobbing, “Ever since I came here with you I have cried so much when I hadn’t cried in years.”
His words ate at my heart and a sudden feeling of guilt came over me. “I’m sorry.” It really was my fault, I guess. I mean, I was the one asking questions about things that upset him.
“Why are you sorry?” He lifted his head and finally locked eyes with me. His gorgeous Sapphire eyes were red with tears, and yet. . . he was smiling, and it was beautiful too. “I think that this is okay. It’s been so long since I’ve felt comfortable enough around someone to cry around them. This is me, Katsuya. . . this is me.”
I’ll admit right now that I was a little freaked out by what he was saying, but after I let his words sink in, it really made a lot of sense. For so long he had held everything in, afraid to let anyone get too close to him ever again. Now, however, I was here for him and apparently he felt that it was okay to let me inside his heart, that it was okay to show emotion in front of me.
“But why me?” I asked before realizing that it could be taken negatively. “I mean,” I corrected as he made a face, “Why, of all people, would you choose a stupid guy like me?” I pulled a chair around so that I could sit next to him instead of across from him. He started to wipe at his eyes, but I gently took hold of his hands and put them back down on the table, my own hands resting on top of them.
Seto blushed a little, “Well, I chose you because in many ways you are a lot like me.” His attention was focused on my hands.
“Like you?” I asked, and his face rose to look at me.
“Yes. While there are many obvious differences in our appearance, upbringing, and level of intelligence,” He smirked and stuck out his tongue and I returned a mock-glare, “There are also many similarities, most of which have something to do with our personalities.”
I rubbed the backs of his hands with my thumbs, “What’s so similar about our personalities? I’m a nice guy and you’re an asshole.” I grinned and Seto shook his head, fighting a smile.
“We both hide our family lives, or lack thereof, with fake personalities.”
His blue eyes bore into me intensely and I suddenly found myself very interested in how many lines were in the woodgrain of my table. “I don’t do that.” It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself. Did I really do that? Did I use a fake personality as well?
“Well that’s a load of bullshit.” Seto stated rather bluntly. “At school you play the role of a carefree, mindless high school student that does nothing but hang out and breeze through life.” He paused for a moment to either think through his next words or to give me a chance to respond, and I had nothing to say at this point. “That isn’t you.” He continued suddenly, “I used to think that that was all you were; some punk-ass slacker that was going nowhere in life.” I looked up at him, hurt by his harsh words and the unfeeling gaze in his eyes. “But that isn’t you.” He repeated, “It’s the persona that you have created for yourself. You aren’t stupid; you’re much more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. You aren’t a slacker; you just lack the proper motivation to try. You aren’t carefree; your mind is likely running constantly with unsolved problems, both at home and elsewhere.”
There was a long moment of silence and I had lowered my eyes during this time. I watched as Seto moved his hands from beneath mine to rest on top of them.
“Am I right?” He asked, and I responded by turning my head away from him. I tried to pull my hands away, but he grabbed onto them and refused to let go. “I must be right.” I wondered if he was smiling, but my gut told me that he wasn’t.
“I could get away from you. You already know that I’m stronger than you.” I glanced back at his hands, pondering my escape.
“You may be physically stronger, yes,” He admitted, “However, I have the stronger will.”
Stronger will? Will for what? How could he say that he had a stronger will than me when he was the one that had attempted or contemplated suicide? If he didn’t even have the will to live, then what the hell could he possibly have the will for?
“Katsuya?”
“The stronger will to die maybe.” I thought out loud, turning a worried expression to Seto upon realizing it.
His eyes were wide open at first, but he gradually closed them, his hands slipping away and down into his lap where I couldn’t see. “The stronger will to die, huh?” His Sapphire eyes opened to form threatening slits, “What, dare I ask, has caused you to say something like that?”
“When you were in the shower back at your house the other day. . .” How was I going to tell him? I had been going through his things behind his back. Would he still trust me after this? Would my knowledge of his gun and unfinished letter push him even further away from me than he already was? “I sat down on your bed and was just kind of looking around, and my curiosity got the best of me. . .” His eyes were no longer in focus, as though he was looking somewhere far away. “I looked in your night stand drawer just to see what you had in there.” His eyes came back into focus and he looked terribly sad as he lowered his eyes to his hands. “I was surprised at first to see a gun in there, but with the greeting I had received at your door when I first arrived, the shock was quick to pass. Even so, I had to wonder if the gun was there for your protection. . . or for something else.” I continued, “Due to the recent knowledge that I had gained about you, I decided to explore further. I reached all the way back into the drawer only to discover that a small, folded-up sheet of paper was safely tucked away back there.”
I pulled his hands back onto the table and laced our fingers together, our hands palm-to-palm.
“My heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest. I kept wondering what it could possibly be, but that was only in hopes that it wasn’t truly what my mind told me it was.” His eyes went shut as I spoke, and I could see him shaking his head slightly. “I contemplated not reading it, but decided against that; I had to know what it contained. Seto. . .”
He clenched his eyes shut and I returned the squeezes that his hands were currently giving. Was he afraid that I knew, or was he afraid to hear what he already knew was true of himself?
“The beginnings of a final farewell to Mokuba, your beloved baby brother, the one for which you suffered through absolute agony to protect.”
He shook his hands away to cover his face as he cried for the millionth time, and I began to cry right along with him, pulling him into a warm embrace and lovingly rubbing his back.
“Get away from me!” The gorgeous brunet shoved my chest hard, knocking me from my chair and onto the kitchen floor.
“S-Seto?”
“All you fuckers ever want is sex!” There was a wild look in his eyes that sent a chill running down my spine.
“What?” Since when were we even discussing sex? “Seto, we weren’t even talking about-”
“Shut the fuck up, you damned pervert! I’m not new to this, I know how your kind works!” My kind? “You act so sweet and helpful as you pretend to comfort me, then you think I need a hug so that I can break down and be at your mercy! Once you have my defenses down, you decide that I need to like down and get some rest; and that is when you make your move. The next thing I know, I’m stripped and bound to bedposts like some kind of fucking whore!” He jumped from his seat, grabbing me by my arms and yanking me upright from the floor. “All of you say those words to me! I’ve heard them so much!” His eyes were narrowed, but they still appeared dangerous, “I love you, I love you, I love you! I could say it to anyone on this fucking Earth and not even bat an eye! Those words lost their meaning the day that Yagami Seto died!”
Yagami Seto. . . his old name.
Seto suddenly began to sway from side to side, his hands going with him as he fell to his knees right in front of me, sobbing heavily. “Why?”
I kneeled down, afraid of what he might do if I touched him.
“Why is it that those words only mean something when you say them? Why is it that I could say them to anyone, but my heart races when I say them to you?” His face turned slightly upward to look at me. His blue eyes were more beautiful than I had ever seen them. “How is it that even after I vowed never to let anyone get close ever again, you were still able to break through the wall that I created?” His voice had fallen into a whisper.
“Seto. . .” Once again I pulled him against me, his head on my chest, and I held him there, wishing that I would never have to let him go. “I still get the same feeling as you when I say those words, but it’s a wonderful feeling. It means that saying ‘I love you’ isn’t automatic, but rather has feelings behind it. I don’t ever want those words to feel like part of a routine. I’m sure that we can both agree that there is nothing routine about our relationship.” I held him at arms length and could have sworn that I saw the smallest flicker of a smile. I cupped his face in my hands, his tears warm against my skin. “Seto, I love you. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say; I love you.” His bottom lip began to tremble and so I brought him back into my embrace.
“I l-love you too, Katsuya!” He called out between sobs, “Please, promise me that you’ll never leave me! Promise me that you’ll never betray me!”
“I promise you, Seto, that my love for you is absolutely genuine. I will never go away from you, and I’d sooner die than do anything against you.”
“And I’d sooner take my own life than bear either of those.” As he said that, I held him at arms length again, but that did not prove to make him falter in his words. “I have been through so much pain, so much sorrow, and so much heartache. . . Katsuya, Saki can hurt me again and again until the end of time and I will keep on living. . . but if you hurt me just like he has even one time, I will surely die.”
I couldn’t help but smile, “Then I suppose that you’ll just have to live forever.” I grinned, “Do you think that you can put up with me forever?”
He finally smiled back, “I’d be happy to give it a shot.”
There was a low growling sound followed by a long stretch of silence. I tried not to start chuckling as Seto’s eyes immediately went to my stomach.
“Hungry?” He questioned, one eyebrow raised just above the other.
“Yeah.” I sheepishly admitted.
“Well we should have actually eaten by now. . .” He glanced over at the stove, “But your stupid ass burnt the food again.” He teased, folding his arms.
I smirked, “Hey now, I know that my ass is hot and all, but it most certainly did not burn the food.”
His eyes widened a little, “Oh, touche, Katsuya!” His own smirk appeared and I knew that he had come up with something better, “How wonderful! The puppy has learned a new trick from its master!”
Damn, he was good, but I wasn’t going to let him win so easily, “Does the puppy get a treat for his performance?”
Seto’s eyes looked like what I call ‘bedroom eyes’. “He certainly does.” His beautiful blue eyes slid shut as he leaned in close. I followed suit.
His lips were as soft as silk and when he parted them to allow me access I thought that I would faint from sheer ecstasy. Every time I kissed him felt just as amazing as the first time. Kissing him was something that would never grow old, but would always retain its magic and splendor for eternity.
Eventually we separated and I nearly groaned out loud in protest, but managed to suppress it.
“I love you.” The words just kind of came out, and I think I was a little surprised at that. Seto’s expression remained a blank slate.
“Do you?”
What? No ‘I love you too’? “I do. . .” I answered, unsure of whether or not I should have said anything at all. My brows knit together as I stared him dead in the eyes. Cold blue eyes greeted me with a barricade. “I love you.” I said again, just in case he didn’t think I was being serious.
His eyes went downcast as he rose to his feet, heaving a long sigh as he turned to leave the room.
I leapt up, quickly catching him from behind and wrapping my arms snug around his body, his own arms pinned beneath mine. I nuzzled his neck and squeezed him gently, “I love you.” A third time. I’d repeat those words to him as often as it would take and it would never feel repetitive to me.
“And you shouldn’t.” He shuddered as my lips grazed his skin.
“Please don’t start that again. We’ve been around that so many times. I love you, and once I find a way to prove that. Until then, I’ll just show as much affection towards you as I can.”
“Prove it?” I could see him purse his lips out of the corner of my eye. “How can someone prove something like love?” He never once looked at me, but rather kept his sight set forward.
“I guess that I probably can’t. All that I can do is be me, Seto. I may not be much, but that’s all that I have.” I released him. He probably didn’t want me holding him like that anyhow.
“Then why say you’ll do something that is impossible?”
Something that is impossible?
“I won’t let Saki touch you, I won’t let anyone from school touch you either, or anyone at the mall or at the grocery store or on the street or at your own company! No one will touch you, no one will kiss you, no one will follow you. . . and absolutely no one will rape you.”
I clenched my fists until my nails began to bite into my palms. “Because. . . because I wish so much that I could do those things! I know that you would be happy if I could do those impossible things. You’re right, I can’t do the wonderful things that I keep promising you. I don’t have money or a fancy car or a fancy house. I’m not all that popular or good looking and I’m far from charismatic or charming.”
During my rant he faced me, his mouth open as if to say something, his eyes showing some sort of emotion at last. I refused to let him interrupt.
“But. . . even though I don’t have any of those things, I have a heart. If there is one thing that I have ever been complimented on, it’s the fact that I have a really big heart. I care about the people that are close to me in my life, and I would do anything for those people. I wasn’t conditioned to say the words ‘I love you’ without any meaning behind them!”
“Conditioned. . .” The sad look on his face nearly killed me.
It was true, though. Seto told me that he could say it a million times over to anyone in the world and it would mean nothing to him. For me, however, those words were sacred, only to be used with those that a person truly cared about. I got so nervous whenever I said those words to anyone. I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that I never really told my parents that I loved them, and they never really said those words to me either. Hearing someone say those words to me was a special moment when time itself stopped just to allow those precious words to ring in my ears, the melody lingering forever.
“I’m sorry, but you know that it’s true. Seto, I want those words to mean as much to you as they mean to me.”
“They do have meaning.” He shot back, an angry glare flaming up in his eyes. “They have meaning only when you and Mokuba say them.” Again he turned his face away, finding something to occupy his attention. “Just understand that right now, it’s so hard to say.” His hands were entangled together in front of him, his hands shaking slightly as he rubbed them together.
“Are you cold?”
“A little. I don’t feel so great.” He suddenly took interest in his hands.
“Are we going to school today?” I asked, a half-smile sneaking onto my lips without my permission.
His head snapped up, our eyes locking. There was a playful gleam in those blue gems. “What do you think?” A smirk appeared and the tension in the room dissipated instantly.
I probably looked like a dork, the way I was grinning. “Alright. You just go sit on the couch and I’ll go get a. . . oh.” The couch. The livingroom was still a mess.
He smiled sadly, “It’s okay, Katsuya. I’ll clean it up.”
“What?” Him? Clean it up? “No way!” I held out my hands, waving them like a hyper little kid. “Don’t worry, Seto, I’ll get it all fixed up for you.”
“Katsuya. . .”
“Just wait here in the kitchen for a minute and-”
“Katsuya. . .”
“-I’ll just go make things all better again so that you don’t have to-”
“Kat-chan!”
A blush flooded my entire face, if not my whole body. Kat-chan? What the hell? “K-kat C-chan?”
He was blushing too, so I wasn’t so embarrassed, “Yeah. I thought of it the other day; isn’t it cute?” His smile was the most beautiful thing. “Anyways, you go get that blanket and I’ll put the livingroom back together, okay? You worry too much.”
“Not without reason.” I muttered, though I knew that I was loud enough to be heard.
“I worry about you too, you know.” He headed into the livingroom and I followed him like the dog that I am. Yeah, that’s right. I’m admitting to being his puppy. So sue me. . . who’d really not want to take the title of ‘Seto’s pet’? Seriously. . .
“You worry about me?” I helped him pull the cushions back onto the couch.
“I do. You’re so careless sometimes. You have also been missing a lot of school lately. While they wouldn’t dare to fail me, they won’t have a second thought about failing you. I’ll have to persuade them in your favor.”
“Seto, have long have you been worrying?” I pulled the table back into its rightful position.
“Honestly?” He huffed out a cute little laugh. “Well, since I practically raised Mokuba, I can’t help but have a sort of. . . don’t you dare laugh. . . I sort of have the mind set of a parent. Each time that I ended up going around with you and your friends during some escapade a couple of years ago, a part of me worried about you all.” He scrunched up his face a little, probably hating to admit that he had actually cared all along.
“So you really do like my friends!”
“I’ve always liked you the most, though. Notice that I didn’t really pick on the rest of them?”
“Wait. You liked me more, so you picked on me?” I rubbed at my chin before a lightbulb came on in my head. “Ohhhh, so you were flirting!”
“Uh, no. Don’t flatter yourself.” He put his hands on his hips as he watched me put the last object back onto the table. “You just had the kind of personality that I liked. I don’t know why, but you just have that special something. I guess that you’re. . . heh. It’s nothing.”
“You can’t just start a sentence without finishing it! That’s cruel.”
“You’ll make fun of me for saying it.” He fell back onto the couch, an elbow on each knee as he leaned forward. I joined him.
“You know that I won’t.”
He sighed, “Well. I thought about it a lot, and I guess that I liked you the most and picked on you the most because I envied you.”
Kaiba Seto. . . envied me? Wait. Me? I’m poor, I’m plain, and I’m not intelligent in the slightest bit. . . and yet he envied me? “Why in the hell would you possibly envy me?”
“Because you’re the kind of person that I always wanted to be. I wanted to go out with friends and just be me. I always wanted to be able to say what was on my mind, no matter how stupid I sounded. I wanted to be careless and carefree.” He leaned back into the couch, stretching his arms out in front of himself before resting them on either side of him. “Instead, I’m stuck with this fake personality of mine. I like being able to be myself in front of you and Mokuba. . . actually, I think that you see more of my true self than even Mokuba does. I don’t want him to know the truth about certain things.”
“I’ve always kind of envied you as well.” It was difficult to admit, and I was nervous as each word left my mouth. What would he say to that? “I’ve always wanted to be rich and famous and popular. . . and good looking too.”
“You are good looking.” Seto let out a low noise that resembled a purr.
I faced him, eyes wide. “Seto, did you just-”
“Yes, shut up.” He laughed a little. “See? It’s weird if I do strange things.”
“Yeah, but it’s cute.” Hesitantly, I draped an arm across his shoulder, pondering whether or not I should pull him close to me.
He stared at my hand, which landed on his left shoulder, for a second before closing his eyes, a faint smile appearing on his lips. That was my cue. I pulled on him gently, urging him towards me, and he went without any protest, his eyes refusing to open.
I ran the back of my hand along his cheek, kissing the top of his head. The warmth of his body against my own was absolutely wonderful. “I love you.” I told him, expecting nothing in return.
“I love you too.” He replied, “But please be patient with me.”
“I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
He snuggled closer to me, “And I know that you mean that.”
- - -
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Disclaimer: Yugioh equals not mine. Story equals MIIIINE!.
- - -
Recap:
I no longer held any doubt in my mind. I loved Seto no matter what. I had also made up my mind about one very important thing. . .
. . . Saki had to die, even if I had to be the one to deal him his brutal ending. A lifetime in prison was better than allowing Saki another chance to harm Seto.
- - -
Seto sat at the kitchen table tapping his hands lightly against the wooden surface, his eyes wandering aimlessly as he sighed enough for the both of us. I had taken note of how he cringed slightly when he sat down, the pain coming from an obvious, and expected, location.
I stood at the stove doing my best to prepare a breakfast that was actually edible this time. I was trying hard not to let my mind wander or let myself get distracted, but considering the most recent of events, that was easier said than done.
The fact that such a thing was able to happen is devastating enough, but the fact that Seto had hardly any reaction at all about it just added to how twisted it was. . . or was he hiding it from me? Had he, in order to protect himself from further harm, bottled all of his emotions up for him to bear alone just as he always used to do? Had my negligence caused him to revert to his previous ways? I snuck a peek at him over my shoulder and he caught me in the act.
“Don’t burn the eggs again.” Dark blue eyes peered at me from beneath perfect brown bangs. “I’d rather not go out today.”
“I’m sure you wouldn’t.” I faced my task once more, but not before catching the way that Seto pursed his lips at my comment. “I won’t burn them again.” I told him, trying to change the subject quickly. I tried to flip the mass of egg over in the skillet with my spatula, but it wouldn’t budge.
“What’s that smell then?” Seto inquired. I didn’t even have to look at him to know that he was smirking.
“It’s your upper lip.” I shot back.
“Is that so?” He asked. The tone of his voice told me that some smart-ass comment was soon to follow. “I suppose it smells because I’ve been kissing a dog.”
I flipped off the burner and moved the skillet to another one. “Oh? So you’re into beastiality now, huh?” I faced him, leaning against the oven door. I returned the smirk that was now widening on his lips. “What kind of dog do you prefer?” I questioned, finding myself on a roll.
“Golden Retriever.” He answered without even a second of hesitation. Damn, he was good.
His smile faded into a frown as he turned his attention away from me and to his bandaged arms. He stared at them intently, his brows knitting together just beneath his bangs.
“Do they hurt?” I asked with sincere concern.
“Yes.” He replied, pursing his lips again. “It hurts more than I remember.” More than he remembered? So he had been bound before. . . “It almost feels like I used a jagged-edged knife to cut them or something?”
“You’re slit your wrists before?” My heart began to race as I stepped to the table-side in a panic. He jumped a little in his seat when I slammed my hands down, causing himself pain in the process. Seto only closed his eyes and said nothing. “Seto-”
“Yes.” He slowly reopened his eyes, but still wouldn’t look at me. “Yes I have.” His hands were now clasped together on the table in front of him and his fingers curled and uncurled repeatedly.
I wanted to ask him why he would ever cut himself, but I was afraid of the answer that I would receive. There were very few reasons for someone to cut themself. Some people just wanted attention, others liked the pain. . .
“I happen to know that Seto likes it rough.”
No, not that. . . some people cut to take their mind off of other things. With everything that Seto had been through in his life, most of which was probably still being kept secret from me, it was highly likely that this was his reason, however. . . there are those people that cut their wrists with the intent to kill, and with the image of Seto’s gun still appearing fresh in my mind, death was probably his ultimate goal.
When I finished picking my own brain I noticed that Seto’s head was now bowed, his body hunched over in the chair and his hands now squeezed tightly together. I couldn’t see his eyes because his hair fell in front of them, but the way his body shuttered told me that he was crying.
“Why?” He asked, trying his best to hide his sobbing, “Ever since I came here with you I have cried so much when I hadn’t cried in years.”
His words ate at my heart and a sudden feeling of guilt came over me. “I’m sorry.” It really was my fault, I guess. I mean, I was the one asking questions about things that upset him.
“Why are you sorry?” He lifted his head and finally locked eyes with me. His gorgeous Sapphire eyes were red with tears, and yet. . . he was smiling, and it was beautiful too. “I think that this is okay. It’s been so long since I’ve felt comfortable enough around someone to cry around them. This is me, Katsuya. . . this is me.”
I’ll admit right now that I was a little freaked out by what he was saying, but after I let his words sink in, it really made a lot of sense. For so long he had held everything in, afraid to let anyone get too close to him ever again. Now, however, I was here for him and apparently he felt that it was okay to let me inside his heart, that it was okay to show emotion in front of me.
“But why me?” I asked before realizing that it could be taken negatively. “I mean,” I corrected as he made a face, “Why, of all people, would you choose a stupid guy like me?” I pulled a chair around so that I could sit next to him instead of across from him. He started to wipe at his eyes, but I gently took hold of his hands and put them back down on the table, my own hands resting on top of them.
Seto blushed a little, “Well, I chose you because in many ways you are a lot like me.” His attention was focused on my hands.
“Like you?” I asked, and his face rose to look at me.
“Yes. While there are many obvious differences in our appearance, upbringing, and level of intelligence,” He smirked and stuck out his tongue and I returned a mock-glare, “There are also many similarities, most of which have something to do with our personalities.”
I rubbed the backs of his hands with my thumbs, “What’s so similar about our personalities? I’m a nice guy and you’re an asshole.” I grinned and Seto shook his head, fighting a smile.
“We both hide our family lives, or lack thereof, with fake personalities.”
His blue eyes bore into me intensely and I suddenly found myself very interested in how many lines were in the woodgrain of my table. “I don’t do that.” It sounded more like I was trying to convince myself. Did I really do that? Did I use a fake personality as well?
“Well that’s a load of bullshit.” Seto stated rather bluntly. “At school you play the role of a carefree, mindless high school student that does nothing but hang out and breeze through life.” He paused for a moment to either think through his next words or to give me a chance to respond, and I had nothing to say at this point. “That isn’t you.” He continued suddenly, “I used to think that that was all you were; some punk-ass slacker that was going nowhere in life.” I looked up at him, hurt by his harsh words and the unfeeling gaze in his eyes. “But that isn’t you.” He repeated, “It’s the persona that you have created for yourself. You aren’t stupid; you’re much more intelligent than you give yourself credit for. You aren’t a slacker; you just lack the proper motivation to try. You aren’t carefree; your mind is likely running constantly with unsolved problems, both at home and elsewhere.”
There was a long moment of silence and I had lowered my eyes during this time. I watched as Seto moved his hands from beneath mine to rest on top of them.
“Am I right?” He asked, and I responded by turning my head away from him. I tried to pull my hands away, but he grabbed onto them and refused to let go. “I must be right.” I wondered if he was smiling, but my gut told me that he wasn’t.
“I could get away from you. You already know that I’m stronger than you.” I glanced back at his hands, pondering my escape.
“You may be physically stronger, yes,” He admitted, “However, I have the stronger will.”
Stronger will? Will for what? How could he say that he had a stronger will than me when he was the one that had attempted or contemplated suicide? If he didn’t even have the will to live, then what the hell could he possibly have the will for?
“Katsuya?”
“The stronger will to die maybe.” I thought out loud, turning a worried expression to Seto upon realizing it.
His eyes were wide open at first, but he gradually closed them, his hands slipping away and down into his lap where I couldn’t see. “The stronger will to die, huh?” His Sapphire eyes opened to form threatening slits, “What, dare I ask, has caused you to say something like that?”
“When you were in the shower back at your house the other day. . .” How was I going to tell him? I had been going through his things behind his back. Would he still trust me after this? Would my knowledge of his gun and unfinished letter push him even further away from me than he already was? “I sat down on your bed and was just kind of looking around, and my curiosity got the best of me. . .” His eyes were no longer in focus, as though he was looking somewhere far away. “I looked in your night stand drawer just to see what you had in there.” His eyes came back into focus and he looked terribly sad as he lowered his eyes to his hands. “I was surprised at first to see a gun in there, but with the greeting I had received at your door when I first arrived, the shock was quick to pass. Even so, I had to wonder if the gun was there for your protection. . . or for something else.” I continued, “Due to the recent knowledge that I had gained about you, I decided to explore further. I reached all the way back into the drawer only to discover that a small, folded-up sheet of paper was safely tucked away back there.”
I pulled his hands back onto the table and laced our fingers together, our hands palm-to-palm.
“My heart felt like it would pound right out of my chest. I kept wondering what it could possibly be, but that was only in hopes that it wasn’t truly what my mind told me it was.” His eyes went shut as I spoke, and I could see him shaking his head slightly. “I contemplated not reading it, but decided against that; I had to know what it contained. Seto. . .”
He clenched his eyes shut and I returned the squeezes that his hands were currently giving. Was he afraid that I knew, or was he afraid to hear what he already knew was true of himself?
“The beginnings of a final farewell to Mokuba, your beloved baby brother, the one for which you suffered through absolute agony to protect.”
He shook his hands away to cover his face as he cried for the millionth time, and I began to cry right along with him, pulling him into a warm embrace and lovingly rubbing his back.
“Get away from me!” The gorgeous brunet shoved my chest hard, knocking me from my chair and onto the kitchen floor.
“S-Seto?”
“All you fuckers ever want is sex!” There was a wild look in his eyes that sent a chill running down my spine.
“What?” Since when were we even discussing sex? “Seto, we weren’t even talking about-”
“Shut the fuck up, you damned pervert! I’m not new to this, I know how your kind works!” My kind? “You act so sweet and helpful as you pretend to comfort me, then you think I need a hug so that I can break down and be at your mercy! Once you have my defenses down, you decide that I need to like down and get some rest; and that is when you make your move. The next thing I know, I’m stripped and bound to bedposts like some kind of fucking whore!” He jumped from his seat, grabbing me by my arms and yanking me upright from the floor. “All of you say those words to me! I’ve heard them so much!” His eyes were narrowed, but they still appeared dangerous, “I love you, I love you, I love you! I could say it to anyone on this fucking Earth and not even bat an eye! Those words lost their meaning the day that Yagami Seto died!”
Yagami Seto. . . his old name.
Seto suddenly began to sway from side to side, his hands going with him as he fell to his knees right in front of me, sobbing heavily. “Why?”
I kneeled down, afraid of what he might do if I touched him.
“Why is it that those words only mean something when you say them? Why is it that I could say them to anyone, but my heart races when I say them to you?” His face turned slightly upward to look at me. His blue eyes were more beautiful than I had ever seen them. “How is it that even after I vowed never to let anyone get close ever again, you were still able to break through the wall that I created?” His voice had fallen into a whisper.
“Seto. . .” Once again I pulled him against me, his head on my chest, and I held him there, wishing that I would never have to let him go. “I still get the same feeling as you when I say those words, but it’s a wonderful feeling. It means that saying ‘I love you’ isn’t automatic, but rather has feelings behind it. I don’t ever want those words to feel like part of a routine. I’m sure that we can both agree that there is nothing routine about our relationship.” I held him at arms length and could have sworn that I saw the smallest flicker of a smile. I cupped his face in my hands, his tears warm against my skin. “Seto, I love you. No matter who you are, no matter what you do, no matter what you say; I love you.” His bottom lip began to tremble and so I brought him back into my embrace.
“I l-love you too, Katsuya!” He called out between sobs, “Please, promise me that you’ll never leave me! Promise me that you’ll never betray me!”
“I promise you, Seto, that my love for you is absolutely genuine. I will never go away from you, and I’d sooner die than do anything against you.”
“And I’d sooner take my own life than bear either of those.” As he said that, I held him at arms length again, but that did not prove to make him falter in his words. “I have been through so much pain, so much sorrow, and so much heartache. . . Katsuya, Saki can hurt me again and again until the end of time and I will keep on living. . . but if you hurt me just like he has even one time, I will surely die.”
I couldn’t help but smile, “Then I suppose that you’ll just have to live forever.” I grinned, “Do you think that you can put up with me forever?”
He finally smiled back, “I’d be happy to give it a shot.”
There was a low growling sound followed by a long stretch of silence. I tried not to start chuckling as Seto’s eyes immediately went to my stomach.
“Hungry?” He questioned, one eyebrow raised just above the other.
“Yeah.” I sheepishly admitted.
“Well we should have actually eaten by now. . .” He glanced over at the stove, “But your stupid ass burnt the food again.” He teased, folding his arms.
I smirked, “Hey now, I know that my ass is hot and all, but it most certainly did not burn the food.”
His eyes widened a little, “Oh, touche, Katsuya!” His own smirk appeared and I knew that he had come up with something better, “How wonderful! The puppy has learned a new trick from its master!”
Damn, he was good, but I wasn’t going to let him win so easily, “Does the puppy get a treat for his performance?”
Seto’s eyes looked like what I call ‘bedroom eyes’. “He certainly does.” His beautiful blue eyes slid shut as he leaned in close. I followed suit.
His lips were as soft as silk and when he parted them to allow me access I thought that I would faint from sheer ecstasy. Every time I kissed him felt just as amazing as the first time. Kissing him was something that would never grow old, but would always retain its magic and splendor for eternity.
Eventually we separated and I nearly groaned out loud in protest, but managed to suppress it.
“I love you.” The words just kind of came out, and I think I was a little surprised at that. Seto’s expression remained a blank slate.
“Do you?”
What? No ‘I love you too’? “I do. . .” I answered, unsure of whether or not I should have said anything at all. My brows knit together as I stared him dead in the eyes. Cold blue eyes greeted me with a barricade. “I love you.” I said again, just in case he didn’t think I was being serious.
His eyes went downcast as he rose to his feet, heaving a long sigh as he turned to leave the room.
I leapt up, quickly catching him from behind and wrapping my arms snug around his body, his own arms pinned beneath mine. I nuzzled his neck and squeezed him gently, “I love you.” A third time. I’d repeat those words to him as often as it would take and it would never feel repetitive to me.
“And you shouldn’t.” He shuddered as my lips grazed his skin.
“Please don’t start that again. We’ve been around that so many times. I love you, and once I find a way to prove that. Until then, I’ll just show as much affection towards you as I can.”
“Prove it?” I could see him purse his lips out of the corner of my eye. “How can someone prove something like love?” He never once looked at me, but rather kept his sight set forward.
“I guess that I probably can’t. All that I can do is be me, Seto. I may not be much, but that’s all that I have.” I released him. He probably didn’t want me holding him like that anyhow.
“Then why say you’ll do something that is impossible?”
Something that is impossible?
“I won’t let Saki touch you, I won’t let anyone from school touch you either, or anyone at the mall or at the grocery store or on the street or at your own company! No one will touch you, no one will kiss you, no one will follow you. . . and absolutely no one will rape you.”
I clenched my fists until my nails began to bite into my palms. “Because. . . because I wish so much that I could do those things! I know that you would be happy if I could do those impossible things. You’re right, I can’t do the wonderful things that I keep promising you. I don’t have money or a fancy car or a fancy house. I’m not all that popular or good looking and I’m far from charismatic or charming.”
During my rant he faced me, his mouth open as if to say something, his eyes showing some sort of emotion at last. I refused to let him interrupt.
“But. . . even though I don’t have any of those things, I have a heart. If there is one thing that I have ever been complimented on, it’s the fact that I have a really big heart. I care about the people that are close to me in my life, and I would do anything for those people. I wasn’t conditioned to say the words ‘I love you’ without any meaning behind them!”
“Conditioned. . .” The sad look on his face nearly killed me.
It was true, though. Seto told me that he could say it a million times over to anyone in the world and it would mean nothing to him. For me, however, those words were sacred, only to be used with those that a person truly cared about. I got so nervous whenever I said those words to anyone. I suppose that it has something to do with the fact that I never really told my parents that I loved them, and they never really said those words to me either. Hearing someone say those words to me was a special moment when time itself stopped just to allow those precious words to ring in my ears, the melody lingering forever.
“I’m sorry, but you know that it’s true. Seto, I want those words to mean as much to you as they mean to me.”
“They do have meaning.” He shot back, an angry glare flaming up in his eyes. “They have meaning only when you and Mokuba say them.” Again he turned his face away, finding something to occupy his attention. “Just understand that right now, it’s so hard to say.” His hands were entangled together in front of him, his hands shaking slightly as he rubbed them together.
“Are you cold?”
“A little. I don’t feel so great.” He suddenly took interest in his hands.
“Are we going to school today?” I asked, a half-smile sneaking onto my lips without my permission.
His head snapped up, our eyes locking. There was a playful gleam in those blue gems. “What do you think?” A smirk appeared and the tension in the room dissipated instantly.
I probably looked like a dork, the way I was grinning. “Alright. You just go sit on the couch and I’ll go get a. . . oh.” The couch. The livingroom was still a mess.
He smiled sadly, “It’s okay, Katsuya. I’ll clean it up.”
“What?” Him? Clean it up? “No way!” I held out my hands, waving them like a hyper little kid. “Don’t worry, Seto, I’ll get it all fixed up for you.”
“Katsuya. . .”
“Just wait here in the kitchen for a minute and-”
“Katsuya. . .”
“-I’ll just go make things all better again so that you don’t have to-”
“Kat-chan!”
A blush flooded my entire face, if not my whole body. Kat-chan? What the hell? “K-kat C-chan?”
He was blushing too, so I wasn’t so embarrassed, “Yeah. I thought of it the other day; isn’t it cute?” His smile was the most beautiful thing. “Anyways, you go get that blanket and I’ll put the livingroom back together, okay? You worry too much.”
“Not without reason.” I muttered, though I knew that I was loud enough to be heard.
“I worry about you too, you know.” He headed into the livingroom and I followed him like the dog that I am. Yeah, that’s right. I’m admitting to being his puppy. So sue me. . . who’d really not want to take the title of ‘Seto’s pet’? Seriously. . .
“You worry about me?” I helped him pull the cushions back onto the couch.
“I do. You’re so careless sometimes. You have also been missing a lot of school lately. While they wouldn’t dare to fail me, they won’t have a second thought about failing you. I’ll have to persuade them in your favor.”
“Seto, have long have you been worrying?” I pulled the table back into its rightful position.
“Honestly?” He huffed out a cute little laugh. “Well, since I practically raised Mokuba, I can’t help but have a sort of. . . don’t you dare laugh. . . I sort of have the mind set of a parent. Each time that I ended up going around with you and your friends during some escapade a couple of years ago, a part of me worried about you all.” He scrunched up his face a little, probably hating to admit that he had actually cared all along.
“So you really do like my friends!”
“I’ve always liked you the most, though. Notice that I didn’t really pick on the rest of them?”
“Wait. You liked me more, so you picked on me?” I rubbed at my chin before a lightbulb came on in my head. “Ohhhh, so you were flirting!”
“Uh, no. Don’t flatter yourself.” He put his hands on his hips as he watched me put the last object back onto the table. “You just had the kind of personality that I liked. I don’t know why, but you just have that special something. I guess that you’re. . . heh. It’s nothing.”
“You can’t just start a sentence without finishing it! That’s cruel.”
“You’ll make fun of me for saying it.” He fell back onto the couch, an elbow on each knee as he leaned forward. I joined him.
“You know that I won’t.”
He sighed, “Well. I thought about it a lot, and I guess that I liked you the most and picked on you the most because I envied you.”
Kaiba Seto. . . envied me? Wait. Me? I’m poor, I’m plain, and I’m not intelligent in the slightest bit. . . and yet he envied me? “Why in the hell would you possibly envy me?”
“Because you’re the kind of person that I always wanted to be. I wanted to go out with friends and just be me. I always wanted to be able to say what was on my mind, no matter how stupid I sounded. I wanted to be careless and carefree.” He leaned back into the couch, stretching his arms out in front of himself before resting them on either side of him. “Instead, I’m stuck with this fake personality of mine. I like being able to be myself in front of you and Mokuba. . . actually, I think that you see more of my true self than even Mokuba does. I don’t want him to know the truth about certain things.”
“I’ve always kind of envied you as well.” It was difficult to admit, and I was nervous as each word left my mouth. What would he say to that? “I’ve always wanted to be rich and famous and popular. . . and good looking too.”
“You are good looking.” Seto let out a low noise that resembled a purr.
I faced him, eyes wide. “Seto, did you just-”
“Yes, shut up.” He laughed a little. “See? It’s weird if I do strange things.”
“Yeah, but it’s cute.” Hesitantly, I draped an arm across his shoulder, pondering whether or not I should pull him close to me.
He stared at my hand, which landed on his left shoulder, for a second before closing his eyes, a faint smile appearing on his lips. That was my cue. I pulled on him gently, urging him towards me, and he went without any protest, his eyes refusing to open.
I ran the back of my hand along his cheek, kissing the top of his head. The warmth of his body against my own was absolutely wonderful. “I love you.” I told him, expecting nothing in return.
“I love you too.” He replied, “But please be patient with me.”
“I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
He snuggled closer to me, “And I know that you mean that.”
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