Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Dialogue by One ❯ Dialogue by One ( Chapter 1 )

Dialogue by One
By Shella

Summary: When one person falls, another breaks.
Genre: Angst.
Rating: PG.
Pairing/s: Seto x Jou.
Spoilers: None.
Warnings: Shounen-ai, character death, language.
Archive: A Dragon's Lair, others please ask.
Disclaimer: Yugi-Oh is not mine and I'm making no profit from this fanfiction.
A/N: Originally inspired by the Dragon's Lair Annual Anniversary Challenge, it just happened to take me forever to getting it all down. & anyway, someone else had done a deathfic that I read & loved, so that sort of put me off.
Recommended listening: U2 "With or Without You"

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Hey Kaiba, it's me again. I know you're probably sick of me by now, but tough luck. I'm sick of you too. You've never stopped bugging me, right from the second I met you … But you knew that, didn't you.

No Mokuba today, he's with Yugi. We've started spending a bit more time apart lately, I guess we'd been getting kinda co-dependent since you … since then.

Geez, I'm not still that much of a coward, am I? Since you died. You died, Kaiba, you selfish prick, and left me - left us - all behind, all ruined and shattered and pretty well screwed. Shit … I can't think straight … I can't do anything anymore. You just - you had this weird effect on people where they couldn't help noticing you, and now … none of us can stop noticing that you're gone.

And Mokuba …I'm not really sure whether it's a good thing I moved in with him. I mean, I don't really know if anyone else could understand what we're going through … but maybe if we keep being around to comfort each other it'll make the healing slower. We just sit around, sharing memories, moping cos we're both lost without you - I think it gets to a point where it stops helping. But Kaiba … geez, always with the last names, heh … I - I don't want to leave him alone. He tries so hard, you know, and most of the time he's okay. But every now and then he'll just stop in the middle of something and you can see him falling to pieces …. And I'm the only one who knows what to do when it happens, how to help him start to put himself back together, cos the same thing keeps happening to me…

Stupid wind, making me go all teary…

It's gotta be winter, don't it? You're such a freaking egotist, always gotta make things difficult for everyone else. I'm standing out here freezing my ass off, you jerk!

Huh. And now you're saying "Enough about you, PUPPY, tell me something I actually care about." I know you are, don't bother arguing. But I guess I'll let it slide, cos yer in denial. Denial, ya hear me? I know you love me - loved me - you told me so yourself. That … just that one time…

God damn it, Kaiba! Why'd you wait that long, you bastard? All that time and you didn't say a fucking thing - until right at the end, right when there was no more time left and it didn't even matter any more.

You wanted to take me with you, didn't you? You knew that I felt more alive when I was around you. All you had to do was be in the same room as me an' I'd be breathing deeper, and my pulse'd speed up and all that … hehe, I even got more detentions when you were in class. You'd set me off just by being around. You were a bad influence on me. Hn, and I'm the one from a broken home. Go figure.

But … I just … when you died, you killed some of me too. I hate it … every time I think about you - I still go "wonder what Kaiba'd think of that?" whenever I see something cool. I'm pathetic … I'm a fucking wreck … it's been a whole year and I still die a bit every time I remember you're not gonna turn up to school tomorrow … and you're never gonna tease Yugi or call me "puppy" … and I'll never be able to tell you I love you…

Gah, I'm such a loser. It's been a year, for chrissake, but you're still making me cry. Bastard. I bet you think this is funny, don't you? I bet you're sitting up there on your cloud - actually knowing you you're sitting down there with a pitchfork, but whatever. I'm trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and you're telling me to get a grip, and to move on, like it's so fucking simple - I … can't. Kaiba, I … can't … not yet … not from you … I love you so goddamn much…

It hurts just hearing your name. I swear, one day it'll be too much, and I won't be able to breathe anymore - I'll just choke, and turn to glass and shatter … cos right now the worst feeling in the world is knowing that I can never see you again, that there's no hope of it…

I guess I hadn't realised how much people need hope, until I didn't have any…

It's not fair, but … if I could change one thing, I'd - Well 'course I'd bring you back, geez, waddya think I am, stupid or something? Nah, don't answer that. But I was gonna say, I just … just wish I'd told you how I feel. I hate myself for that, for sitting there and staring at you like the stupid mutt you kept telling me I was. But damn, how would you react? I mean, you spring it on me - "I love you, Jounouchi Katsuya" - when you're on your freakin' deathbed, course I'm a little surprised! An' then Yugi and the others come in before I can get my thoughts in order, an' after that everything started happening way too fast … I couldn't keep up, y'know?

I don't even know if you knew it was me, at the end … holding your hand … I'm still holding onto you. To us, even though there never was an `us'. If we'd had time, if you'd actually stuck around after telling me you loved me, we coulda been great, y'know. We would've spent all our time fighting and then making up, probably … but it would've been us. Together, like we're s'posed to be. Not torn apart like this…

You're so young! You're a teenager, for God's sake! How can you die now, when you haven't even lived yet? It's not fair … it's not fair, damn it! You didn't have enough time, and now I've got too much. I'm wasting it by crying myself to death. But shit - what's the use in me having time when you're not in it? These days, I just … always seem to be waiting for something. Waiting … maybe until I can see you again. I don't believe in God - don't believe in anything anymore, I can't, don't know how to - but I need to see you again. I need to. Do you know what it's like when the only thing that ever really mattered is gone? When everything in your life that was important, that had real meaning, is gone and you'll never get it back? When the only feelings you ever had that meant anything are a waste? They're killing me, Kaiba, cos I need you and I love you and you're not here, and never will be … I hate - I h-hate it … I miss you … and even though I know I gotta keep living, it's just so hard…

Look, I'd really like to be able to say I only remember you like you were when you were healthy, but it ain't true. There're times when I close my eyes, and all I can see is you lying there on the hospital bed, your face not even white, but grey, and your lips blue, and this awful look in your eyes …. You knew you were dying, and what I hate is that you knew you couldn't fight. All your strength was gone. That scared me so bad - you were always strong. You always fought. You never just - just gave up! But there you were, just letting it happen. You scared the shit out of me - I just couldn't handle the idea of you dying, it just wasn't right. You're Kaiba Seto, for fuck's sake! You're strong, and proud, and completely arrogant, and you don't take shit from anybody.

What? Oh, sorry Honda.

Yeah, I'm fine, just a little stressed I guess.

Nah, it's okay. I'll meet ya back at the car. C'mon, you said you'd let me talk to him in private! Yeah, five minutes. Now piss off.

Uh, right. That's why I came today - I mean, not just cos it's been a year since you died. I won't be seeing you for a while - me and Honda are going on holidays. I been having trouble getting out of the house, cos everywhere I go and everything I see reminds me of you, or brings up some memory … and if it's bad for me I can only guess what Mokuba goes through every time he goes outside …. Anyway, Honda and Yugi thought they'd try a different tack. Mokuba's going to America with Yugi and Gramps tomorrow - and don't start bitching, he'll be fine and you know it. Yugi was the only one of us you had any respect for, any time. We won't be around for a while, but we'll probably both come straight here soon's we get back.

So, uh, here - these are for you. Boring old roses, but even I know what they mean.

…I'll never forget you, Kaiba. I'll always be thinking of you, and wanting to pick fights with you when I'm angry, and wanting you to respect me or be proud of me whenever I do something right. I'll always want to know what your favourite colour is, and whether you like sunsets or sunrises, and where you're ticklish … and whether you're any good at hugging since you seemed so prickly.

There're so many things I want to say … I wouldn't even mind fighting with you, or getting beaten up by you, cos it'd mean that we were together and you were here…

I never knew it was possible to feel so much pain, so much regret … I've wasted a year of my life following you to the grave. I feel like I'm never going to be happy again. But … for all that … for all the times you've hurt me … I never wished I hadn't met you. Never wished I hadn't cared about you. We never had a chance to be together, to find out what we could've been … but I swear, next time I see you, I'll say what I should have told you the second I knew it. Kaiba Seto, I love you.

If I could hope, it'd be to see you soon. I'll never say goodbye - I can't stand to. But I guess I can say … until next time.

See ya.

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