Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Die, Santa, Die! ❯ One-Shot

Die, Santa, Die!

DISCLAIMER: *Sigh* I own nothing. Get away from me!

RATED: PG-13. Not quite as kawaii as "Affection", but certainly a bit cleaner than "Pillow Talk".

Also, I got the idea for the Honda/Bakura pairing from "Unexpected Softness" by JudyNFran so, this holiday fiction is dedicated to them. :) That fluffy fic is on my request list! I've wanted to make a fic like that myself, but I was at a loss for ideas. And with the holly days rollin' around, I decided maybe I should make "Affection" a Ryou + Honda fic rather than a Yugi + Jounouchi one. But, then I saw an M&M commercial (one of the new crappy ones with guys being videotaped re-enacting the old commercials) and I decided to leave my other cutesy Christmas fiction the way it is, so I can piss off my friends. And, I can let this story ignite their fiery angry passions, too.

BTW: Single quotes + Italics = 'Thoughts', Double quotes + Italics = "Flashbacks", Parentheses + Italics = (My incoherent babbling).

Caution! Not only is this fic shounen ai/fluffy, but it may also cause the reader to laugh so hard that pants may become moist. Merry freaking Christmas.

--------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------

Ryou Bakura's heart was dancing like a sugar plum on a frosty December 23rd. He had just thought of a pleasant way to surprise his newfound love interest, Tristan Taylor (Leave me alone. I will use the dub names whenever I wish! >P). He was now in his room, discussing his brilliantly devised, yet cliché plan with his cat, who was trying to take a nap on his bed. "Guess what, Clam Chowder?" The cat's fur was as snowy as its owner's long alabaster hair. Also, it was Ryou's nickname in elementary school.

Clam Chowder turned its head and closed its eyes. Like it gave a rat's ass…

"Tristan's been so good to me ever since I first went out with him last fall…"

"Um… T-Tristan…?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you know why I brought you here…?"

"No… Is something wrong? Your face is all red…"

"Well, that's because… um… Tristan, this isn't just an ordinary outing… It's a date. I just wanted you to… erm, be alone with me because…"

"You have a crush on me…?"

"*gasp*"

"It's all right. I'm starting to feel the same way about you, so…"

"Really? Then… can we celebrate this moment with a kiss?"

"You read my mind…"

"And now, I would like to repay his sweet gestures and tender kisses by dressing up as Santa Claus, and sneaking in his house when he's all alone-you know his parents are rarely home right? Even on Christmas they work… Then, I can graciously present Tristan with the PlayStation 2 game he'd always wanted, Clammy!" Ryou bounced excitedly while holding copy of GTA: Vice City wrapped in red and silver paper, garnished with an adhesive silver bow.

Clammy fell asleep to spite the excitable gay boy (He's got to be, considering he talks the way I write).

Ryou went to his closet and examined his Santa costume. 'Tristan, you're gonna be so happy…' He blushed in anticipation. 'I bet you'll love me even more after this…'

*****

'Damn you, Santa, damn you…' Tristan was inside his room polishing his BB gun. He had a plan for Christmas, as well. Only this one involved murdering Santa Claus, not impersonating him. 'I'll never forgive the day you tried to attack me…' He was only three years old at the time, but he knew the horrible incident very vividly.

"Hello, there. What's your name?"

"I'm Twistan Taywor, who da hell are you?"

"I'm Jolly Old Saint Nick!"

"Oh yeah, we'll jus' see about dat…"

"D'OH!!!"(1)

"There was a damn good reason why I pulled off your beard, you bastard!" Tristan rubbed the cloth on his gun with more fury.

"Come back here, you little piece of-"

"AAAAAAH!!!"

"Gotcha!"

"Aaah! Lemme go! Santa's gonna kill me! HELP!!!"

'Ever since that day, I have feared you…' He trembled in horror. 'But I know that you didn't come all these years because you are just as afraid of me.' Tristan then stood proudly, clutching his gun. "Just you wait, Santy Claus! I'll finally get you!" He then sat back down and purred happily, thinking about his lover. 'And if my beautiful Ryou comes over, then we shall kill you together… Heheheheheheh…' (Tristan's got issues, everyone.)

*****

December 24, 9:25 PM.

Ryou-kun marched joyously to Tristan's house in that goofy red outfit, complete with hat and beard. He held the gift like a giddy schoolgirl, completely breaking character. When he finally got to his boyfriend's door, Ryou rang the doorbell, placed the gift on the steps (2), and hid below them.

"Hai, I'm coming!" Tristan opened the door. "Yes? Who's th-" he spotted the elaborate present on his doormat. "Huh? What's this…?" He peered at the nametag. "It's for me? It doesn't say whom it's from, but… This handwriting sure looks familiar…" Tristan smiled and rouged. Like Ryou's…"

Ryou let his face turn pink and snickered mischievously. He loved seeing that beautiful human being look so pleased on the most romantic time of the year (Screw Valentine's Day). Since the door was still unlocked, Ryou removed his shoes and discreetly let himself in.

"Huh? What the…" Tristan rushed to the doorway.

Ryou spread his arms out wide, expecting a hug and announced in a deeper voice, "Merry Christmas, Tristan! I lo--"

The tall, brown-haired young man immediately whipped out his BB gun and pointed it at "Santa's" face. "DIE!!!"

Ryou dashed away and screamed like a girl. "Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! 'I never thought that this would happen!'"

Tristan chased after the poor, helpless teen in the Santa suit and fired randomly, believing that he was "the enemy".

"YIKES! That almost hit me!" Ryou just barely dodged a round toy bullet. It took off only a few strands of his hair. The two ran around the perimeter of the house repeatedly, knocking over trashcans and disturbing the neighbors' dogs.

Finally, after nearly an hour's worth of mayhem, the barely unscathed Ryou finally found refuge in Tristan's basement through doors on the ground. Tristan became too tired and said, "Screw it." Then, he returned inside, not realizing where the fake Santa hid.

The poor ivory haired young man heaved in exhaustion. 'Oh my God, why would Tristan want to kill me? Is this a joke, or is it because of some traumatic experience in his past…?' Before Ryou could ponder any longer, he suddenly thought of the gift that he had given Tristan. 'Oh no! What if he opens my present without me?! I'd better go upstairs before it's too late!' However, he hesitated. 'But what if he attacks me again…?' But then, he stood courageously-something one would rarely see him do. 'Wait a minute! I shouldn't be afraid of my own true love! He may have a gun, but I have a heart. And a heart this big shall let anyone see through my disguise. So, I shall walk myself over there, give him my heart, and watch him open his present!' Ryou marched proudly up the basement stairs.

Tristan reclined on the couch in his living room. "Oh man, that was scary…" he sighed. He then lifted his head to the ceiling and shouted, "You can't hide forever, Mr. Claus. You will pay for what you have done thirteen years ago (3)!" He then noticed Ryou's gift. "Oh, should I open this now…?"

At that very moment, Ryou had knocked on the basement door, for it was locked from the outside.

"Who the hell would be in my basement?" Tristan unlocked the door and opened it. He saw Ryou, still in the red suit.

"Tristan, I must explain to you…"

Without listening, he pointed the toy gun at the poor victim's face.

"I should start running, shouldn't I…?"

"If ya wanna live, yeah."

So Ryou did start running. Tristan pursued him again, gun in hand. Soon, the little superdeformed versions of the two boys destroyed the living room just by dashing about. Ryou had noticed a well used ashtray (not by Tristan, BTW.) still on the coffee table. All of a sudden, he grabbed a bunch of the ash and threw it into Tristan's face.

"Aah! My eyes!" He coughed and covered his eyes in pain. When the dust cleared, he noticed a bright crimson blur hiding behind his TV. Nervously yet stealthily, Tristan positioned himself to damage the heck out of that red spot. He aimed his gun at it.

'I hope I can take this off in time. My plan is totally backfiring…' Ryou struggled with the buttons on his Santa suit. As a result of his heedlessness, he heard an ear splitting "bang" and felt a sharp pain on his bum. "CHIKKUSHOU~!!!!!! (4) NOT THE GOOD CHEEK!!! (5)" He leaped up eight feet high and held his ass.

"Whew, I got him. Now I can be safe…" Tristan tried to depart as quickly as he could.

"I don't think so!"

"Huh?" he turned around to see that the false Santa had returned to the ground. But, he looked a little different… He charged Tristan before he could react, and pinned him mercilessly to the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! IT'S YAMI SANTA!!!"

"OH FOR RA'S SAKES, IT'S ME!!!" Ryou now in Yami form pulled off the accursed hat and beard, revealing his true face.

"O-oh… I-it's y-you, Ba-Bakura…" Tristan stuttered fearfully. "Uh… sorry?"

"You'd BETTER be sorry for shootin' my ass, car company boy (6)!!!" Yami Bakura pointed at the cowering offender while tending to the sore on his butt. "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"Er, well… I've always been afraid of Santa since I was little…"

"You know that he's not real! You have some serious issues…"

"I figured that out a long time ago!" Tristan shouted defensively. "I just wanted to make sure that no other Santa would get me-not even mall Santas."

"Hmm… a mall Santa attacked you when you were a kid… That amuses me," Yami Bakura kneeled up and crossed his arms. "Now put that gun away and get some therapy before I start burning things! You know what happened at the school picnic…"

"Yeah, don't remind me…" Tristan threw his weapon aside. Upon its impact to the floor, it fired, and shattered a porcelain vase on a pedestal. "Uh… please don't kill me, although Mom will."

The precarious Ryou transformed back into his hikari form. "Okay, I'll forgive you." He let Tristan help him move over to the couch.

"You have a really nice ass, I didn't mean to hurt it."

"Th-thank you…" Ryou turned red and leaned over Tristan's lap because he, of course, couldn't sit down. He picked up the gift for his love. "You can open this now. I hope you like it…"

Tristan painstakingly tore the gleaming paper off his Christmas present. His face drooped down when he saw what it was. "Uh, Ryou… I already have this. I wanted the Midnight Club game…"

Ryou lowered his face down and choked up.

"Uh, Ryou what's wrong?"

"Everything went wrong," He replied with tears flushing from his mahogany eyes. "I tried to surprise you, but you attacked me, I turned Yami, and I got you the wrong gift… I-I'm sorry…" He continued sobbing.

"It's okay, it's always good to have a backup copy," Tristan lifted up Ryou by the chin. "I still got something else I wanted, though it's slightly damaged…"

"What…?"

"You, of course. I broke you but you're still more valuable than any material to me." He grinned.

"Thanks. You and your smile are all I ever wanted, koibito," Ryou stood up to the best of his ability and embraced his boyfriend by the shoulders.

"I love you, Ryou."

"Shut up and kiss me, you crazy bastard." He let his tall, dark and hot true love lower him to his body and they touched lips.

After fifteen minutes worth of make out time, Ryou detached his mouth from Tristan's. "What do you think Yugi and Joey are doing tonight?"

"They're probably having sex," he impatiently replied.

"But Yugi's got the flu!" (7)

"Oh, well then, they're probably gonna do it next week?" The two young men returned to their passionate kissing.

The clock struck midnight, and Christmas Day came-and so did Tristan's parents. He and Ryou got yelled at about the smooching session and the destroyed living room--including the vase for the rest of the night.

*****

One week later…

"Happy New Year's, Yugi…"

"Joey… Oh, Joey~! Ahh!!!"

"Come on, Yug. The late-night movie isn't that scary… …But I like the way you're holding my leg…"

The End ^_^

--------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------

By the way, a few side notes:

-(1) A Simpsons reference. I couldn't resist. ^_^

-(2) In Japan, Christmas presents are usually left outside. Don't know why, but they are.

-(3) A reviewer from FF.net said that his behavior reminded her of Invader Zim, though she knows it was purely coincidental. And she's right!

-(4) "Chikkushou" means, "damn" (interj.) in Japanese. Don't tell your parents I said that.

-(5) Another Simpsons reference!

-(6) I bet you sub fans know what that was a reference to. ;)

-(7) See, "Affection". That fic has some really positive reviews!

Sorry, didn't mean to make everyone weird, but… It's my fic! Hope you've enjoyed my present to you! I had fun writing this ficcy. :D