Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Evil Plots ❯ Evil Plots ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer:I don't own yugioh but I do own Mad and Insane Kaiba…my friend owns Luna

Evil Plots

Part One

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

Mad: "Hey! What are you insinuating? That we live in Hicksville or something? We aren't far away from anything! Where we are is the epitome of civilization! You're the far away one, not us!"

Ummmm… once upon a time, in a land not too far from here…

Kaiba: "But if you're the Narrator, shouldn't you be in that land with us so you know what's going on? If you were somewhere else, how could you accurately narrate anything?"

Okay, once upon a time, in the world of Yugioh

Luna: "Huh? Isn't there duel monsters everywhere?"

Oh, where is my prozac… Let's just start the story, ok?

Mad: "Hmph, finally."

Kaiba: "Took ya long enough!"

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It was a bright, sunny Tuesday, and Mad, Kaiba, and Luna were on the trail of a certain…I dunno..a duelist?

"Ah! What a wonderful Tuesday!" Kaiba exclaimed cheerfully."Can't we just take the day off and get some relaxation? Duelist will still be here tomorrow!"

"Trout." Mad said, and kept going.

"Huh?" said Kaiba. "What about trout? Are there trout around here? Oooo! I just love a good barbecue!"

Mad responded by whacking him with her fan. "Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer."

"Hey! Look you guys! I think I see a few duelist!" Luna called from up ahead.

"Great!" Mad said enthusiastically. "This time our brilliant plan can't fail! Card (what? I cant think of anything else.) will be ours!" She then proceeded to execute her Evil Laughâ"¢, but was rudely cut off by the beeping of her cellular videophone. She growled angrily and flipped it open, grumbling to herself. "This had better be good…"

"Mad, Kaiba, report back to Headquarters at once! I have a new assignment for you."

Mad involuntarily straightened. The Boss(if your wandering who the boss is..the boss is Insane Kaiba)! "Yes , but-"

Insane Kaiba had already hung up. Mad sighed and called Luna back.

"I hope he doesn't have us on janitorial duty again!" Kaiba muttered. "I couldn't bear it!"

"Shut up Kaiba. Luna, where did you park the limo?"

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It took them a while, but Team Rapist finally reported back to HQ. They were summoned to Insane Kaiba's office as soon as they got there.

Mad and Kaiba stood at attention, waiting for Insane Kaiba to speak. He was sitting with his chair turned away from them (as usual), looking at something on a monitor. Several minutes passed, and at last Insane Kaiba turned.

"Your new mission is difficult, but there is always the hope that through sheer dumb luck you might succeed. All my other operatives have already been killed trying to kill this creature…" As one, Mad and Kaiba gulped. "Here are the mission's specifics." He handed a piece of paper to Mad. "I don't have to tell you to do well… if you somehow fail to kill this thing, yet come back alive…" Through the shadows, Insane Kaiba's mouth twisted into a cruel smirk. He didn't have to finish the sentence. Mad and Kaiba nodded violently and gave a bunch of mumbled `yes sir', then bolted out of there.

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Far away in a dismal little cave just north of the 32nd annual `Barney on Ice' extravaganza, a dark shape sat and brooded. Yes, soon it would make it's move… soon the world would know the terror that was…it! (What, you didn't expect me to reveal what the thing was yet did you?)

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END PART NUMERO UNO!!!!

When will we learn what this thingy is? Will Yugi even make an appearance? Will Mad and Kaiba finally declare their screamingly obvious love for each other? Will Yugi and Joey finally square off in a fight to the death? Find out the answers to these questions and more in…EVIL PLOTS PART TWO! Luckily you won't have to wait that long for it.

BEGIN PART NUMERO DOS!!!!

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Part Two

Mad and Kaiba stood at the entrance to the small, dismal cave, arms around each other and shaking in terror.

How did they find the place so quickly? Where did Luna go? Why are they so terrified when they haven't even entered the cave yet?

The world may never know.

"M-Mad?"

"Yes Kaiba?"

"Whoever said that beauty doesn't last must have been talking about us!"

"You already tried that one, Kaiba."

"Oh."

They held on to each other for a little bit longer, then slowly, in unison, stepped into the cave.

The Creature sat in wait. It watched the pair enter the cave, then slowly stood, insane black eyes glinting in the moonlight.

"EEEP!" Team Rapist squealed.

"What is that thing?!"

"I've never seen a creature like that before!"

"It can't be a thing! C-creatures like that thing don't exist!"

That's right, the creature is not a thing! It is none other than…

ROLF, THE CRAZY RUSSIAN PANDA!

Rolf unslung his Bazooka and aimed at Team Rapist.

Kaiba turned to Mad and grabbed her hands.

"Mad?"

"Yes Kaiba?"

"I figure now that we're going to die and all, it would be a good time to tell you…"

"Y-yes Kaiba?"

"I….I…."

Kaiba froze. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't tell her, even as they were about to be killed by a Crazy Russian Panda with a Bazooka!

He felt Mad smack him over the head.

"TELL ME ALREADY!"

"I love you Mad!"

Her eyes got all wobbly. "R-really? I love you too Kaiba!"

"Oh Mad!"

"Oh Kaiba!"

Oh please.

"Shut up, you! Can't you see we're having a tender moment here?" Having said this, Mad and Kaiba promptly fell to the floor and started making out.

The panda cleared his throat uncomfortably and shifted from foot to foot. The make-out session was getting wilder, and Rolf started sweating.

"Alright, Luna is in da house!"

Rolf turned gratefully to receive his new adversary, who was standing at the entrance to the cave. Luna glanced at the couple in the corner and made exaggerated gagging motions. The two monsters shared a good chuckle before they started fighting with great vigor. Meanwhile, Mad had managed to catch a glimpse of what was going on.

"Oof! Kaiba- we're supposed to be killing that thing, and Luna is hogging all the glory!"

Kaiba glanced over his shoulder at the fighting Pandas- (ok, one was a human, the other was a Crazy Russian Panda bent on world domination, but we'll refer to them both as Pandas for convenience and efficiency) er…where was I? Oh yes, Kaiba glanced over his shoulder at the fighting Pandas, then glanced back down at the now-even-more-underdressed-than-usual-Mad, and shrugged.

"Who the hell cares?" He then went back to what he was doing.

Mad smacked him and jumped up, growling.

"I'm not letting a crazy Russian panda take over the world before we do! Machine Gun, g-…….KAIBA!"

She kicked at Kaiba, who was kissing her feet furiously.

"Stop that! And where is my Deck (duel monsters deck)?? I must of dropped it! FIND IT KKAAIBBAA!"

Kaiba, now desperate not to die a virgin, started crawling around on his hands and knees, searching for his and Mad's deck

"Maaaddd!" He whined. "I can't find anythiinnng! Please can't we just-"

"NO!"

He grumbled to himself and kept looking.

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"Joey Jooeeey!!!" (I'm cuter than you are!) ( oh and the speech is like pokemon where you say your name XD)

"Yugi yyuuugii!!" (No way! I'M THE CUTEST!)

"Gee, I wonder what they're talking about!" Tristan said, cluelessly cheerful as always.

"Those two sure like each other!" Some Poor Guy On The Street added.

"Hee hee!" said Mai. "They're so cute!"

"yug yug yugi?" (But I'm the cutest, right?)

"What's yugi saying,Tristan?" Mai asked.

"He says that I'M the greatest duelist ever! Ha ha!"

"Yug yugi yuugii!" (Hey girl! Sock that idiotic piece of tofu for me!)

"Joey jooe joeyyy!" (No one orders orange-hair girl around except for me! She's MY slave!)

"YUGI YUUGI YUUGI YUG!!!!" (All right then. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!and not the card kind)

"joey joey joey?" (Winner gets the other's slave?)

"Yug." (Right.) Yugi thought for a moment, then smiled an evil little smile that only pathetically short people can execute. "Yu-Gi-Oh." (Fight to the death.)

"Joey joey joey!!!!!!!!!!" (You're on, little short bastard!)

The two demons circled each other- okay, Yugi circled, Joey sort of flopped around. Mai,Tristan, and Some Poor Guy On The Street stood around and scratched their heads.

"Gee, I wonder what they're doing?"

"yugi yugi yugi yugi!" (You're going to be bloody pulp, little twerp!)

"Jo-Ey-Ey!" (Cuteness glare!) Joey's eyes started glowing hot pink. Yugi froze for a moment, then shook it off.

"Yugi! Yug yug yug! yugi OHHHH!" (Ha ha! You should know that cuteness has no effect on me! Little Short Man Shock!) 's little legs crackled with strechieness as his legs stretched up and turn into a hoop.Then a lightning bolt shocked the hoop in his legs and generated a bunch of electricity and the electricity shocked Joey.

By now, Mai and Some Poor Guy On The Street had figured out what was going on. Tristan was still scratching his head.

"Yugi! Joey! Please stop!" Mai screeched. Then she turned to Tristan and proceeded to beat him to a pulp. "Your friend is hurting Joey!"

Joey was a little charred, but more determined than ever.

"Joey Joey Joey eyeyeyey!!!!" (My slave can beat up your slave, ha ha ha!)

"Yugioh" (….no translation) Pikachu gave his opponent another Little Short Man Shock.

"JOEY WHEELER!!!!!!!!!" (Anime Bite Attack!) Joey launched himself at yugi growing anime fangs. He then sunk his teeth into Yugi's shoulder.

"YUGIOH!" (Dodge the Idiot!) Yugi Lauched to the side but that only made the grip tigher.

Joey was finally thrown off anf landed against a rock. He began to shake and his eyes glowed red.

"JJJJJOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!" (Idiot Blast!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Joey exploded, splattering acidic blood everywhere. Yugi, Tristan, Mai, and Some Poor Guy On The Street were vaporized in the blast.

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" You're a pretty tough Panda, but Luna's tougher! Moon Shine!" Luna started to glow and blasted chunks of the moon at Rolf The Crazy Russian Panda. Yes, it was true, Luna was actually winning.

Kaiba had just given up his search for their decks and was now kissing up to Mad.

"Come on baby, whaddya say we go back to my place and have a donut?" (mm donuts..)

"Not now Kaiba! I have to find my deck!"

In a rare moment of decisiveness and sheer desperation, Kaiba hurled himself at Mad and in a couple moments they were making out on the ground again.

Luna stopped his barrage of attacks to gag, and Rolf the Crazy Russian Panda took advantage of his hesitation to whack him over the head with his bazooka. Luna was instantly knocked unconscious.

Rolf turned back to the two humans, but had to avert his eyes. He waited around for a while, hoping that when they'd finally finished with each other he could blow them both to kingdom come, and continue with his plot to take over the world.

They didn't finish.

Rolf was getting tired. It had been a long day. He'd never done any math, but he was willing to bet that Mad and Kaiba had been going at it for at least five hours.

It was enough to make a Crazy Russian Panda puke.

In fact, he had puked…several times.

But then, he'd found himself getting into it.

Yes, Rolf had been corrupted. He was now a pervert.

Geez, that Kaiba had stamina. He watched with rapt attention, and even found himself wishing he had some popcorn. In fact, he forgot all about his plots for world domination and found he had the incredible urge to get a TV, a VCR, and a couple of movies.

He also wanted to order a pizza.

Team Rapist had saved the world.

Epilogue

Not long after Rolf fell asleep, Mad and Kaiba left the cave, hopped a plane to Hawaii, and got married. Rolf lived out the rest of his days watching porno movies and eating bad Chinese food. Luna had gone into a coma after being whacked on the head, and twenty years later he woke up and was promptly eaten by a senile Rolf who thought he was bad wonton. Yugi's remains were absorbed into the Acidic Blood left by Joey, and they all merged into a new card named Gertrude.

Pegasus and Mokuba finally got married

Yugi's Grandpa became a internet porno star

Pegasus's guards everywhere finally snapped and took over the world

The End