Joy and Sorrow

  Summary: Ryou reflects on his life and how her perceives it. Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide, angst, and some other things… One-shot   Song ‘Joy and Sorrow’ doesn’t belong to me it is a product of HIM   Disclaimers: Don’t own don’t sue.   Italics: Song lyrics   One-shot   Ryou’s POV  

Oh girl we are the same

We are young and lost and so afraid There’s no cure for the pain No shelter from the rain All our prayers seem to fail    There are times I wonder what would happen if a few things were switched around. If maybe I could go back in time and alter this course that I’ve had in my life for the past few years. It’s been the same. There are a few things that I would’ve loved to change. My father for having a normal job that didn’t require that much traveling, the death of my mother and my sibling. Maybe if I actually had a family to begin with then maybe I wouldn’t be thinking this way.   I was always quiet. I don’t talk to other people and they don’t talk to me. To them I’m just someone below them. Che, high school, people are in their own little world. They’re socialists where they only hang out with people like them. I guess that’s why you make good friends in collage. There’s no barrier, everyone’s the same, and people are much more mature around that time.   When we moved to Japan I thought it would be nice to make new friends but I just couldn’t. Although I talk to Yugi and the others I would never consider them friends, more like acquaintances. They may have saved my life a few times from my darkness but I can’t help but wonder if they considered me a friend. I mean I don’t get invited to parties or other outings. The only time I’m invited is if I show up and that’s the time they ask.   But they wouldn’t know. It hurts so much to think of it. But I never cry at night. My yami says it’s a weakness but real men aren’t afraid to show that they have a weakness. But I know Bakura’s weakness very well. It’s me. He can’t help it. He’s afraid to go too far otherwise he’d be trapped inside the ring again for probably another few millennia.   Me?   I don’t care anymore. I don’t want to live. My life has been pointless to this day.   There are times I called the gift, the millennium ring, my father gave me a blessing and a curse. The first time I was just amazed at it when my father sent it to me from his digs. But then sometimes I started having blackouts. I came back to reality and I didn’t remember what had happened. People kept staring at me or avoiding me like the plague. I listened closely to the rumors. And I was very confused as to why they were saying that when I haven’t done those things but maybe I did but don’t remember. I was never aware of my yami yet.   I was sure that there’s something but I couldn’t put my finger on it but I knew it was there. The first time I knew about it was when we were dueling with our lives in Duelist Kingdom. Remember way long ago with Pegasus’ tournament to get the puzzle? Well you get the idea I’m sure you remembered the duel between Bakura and Yami. I helped them save their lives blah, blah, blah. At times I wish it only went that far and I was actually sent to the graveyard.   I didn’t want to live another day.  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart   Then these ‘happy’ memories seem to pop into my head. They were very vague I don’t even remember being in there. I was only a watcher, an observer, and one that examines what normal people do. There are times when I became jealous. I became jealous of Yugi. He was liked by all. I know that he didn’t used to have friends but I wish I was like that, brave and sometimes stupid by walking into the face of danger. How I wished that I could do all of those things but I just can’t. Something holds me back.   Because, every time I hang out with them I was always the one left out. I mean seriously if you invite someone aren’t you also supposed to entertain them? It’s okay. I don’t care. I didn’t like them anyways. But of course after thinking of it they always gave me the feeling of not being wanted. No matter how many friendships speeches Anzu always voices out she has a good example of what not to do.   Plus, Bakura doesn’t want me to hang out with them. Well I don’t want to anyways. Bakura doesn’t want me to tell them what he does to me. It’s mostly verbal abuse and few smacks here and there. I know if he could he’d go so far just to kill me. And sometimes I wish that happened. I know; I’m being a coward thinking the easy way out. But maybe if you felt this way living a life of being caged and not being able to let out, wouldn’t you feel the same?   Yes, I know you probably wouldn’t because of attitude wise. The way you were raised and beliefs were being pounded into your head. Yes, I know. But I guess if you felt the way I did then you might also want to grab that knife so it would stop teasing you and not let yourself be tortured, on the other hand the rest of you would try to make me feel better, saying that I’m a coward, they’re just nothing, and I’m being selfish. Well then I’ll be all of those if you want me to.   People need other people.   Just like the rest of you I have that and that is Bakura. If I never got the ring then I would be alone. I would have nothing to live for. They say you’d find that special someone later in life. I don’t think I will. I could only go so far. I have something to live for and that is for making Bakura live even if he’s just a spirit. At least I can live with that.   Then there are times when I would actually attempt to kill myself because I was tired of being used and ignored. The blade was so tempting the razor sharp edges I caressed with my fingertips making small little skin peel off the top. Then I would savor the feel of the cool metal against my skin on my neck close to where it would just end it. But I could never do it. There would be a few thin lines of almost invisible red and that’ll be it.   I regret my decisions from time to time because I was a coward at taking my own life too. I have never killed anyone how can I kill myself? After the first try I couldn’t do it anymore. It got harder and harder.   That was until the final straw of Bakura’s verbal abuse.  

Oh girl we are the same

We are strong and blessed and so brave We’re souls to be saved And faith regained All our tears wiped away   I ran out of the house right when he was finished. I took the ring off knowing that it’ll piss him off but I didn’t care for my life at the moment. It was cold and raining. I love this season. I could die of stupidity because I didn’t bring a jacket. I might be crazy but I didn’t care. As the hours turned to the time of nightfall it began to get colder. I was freezing. My skin had Goosebumps all over, my clothes were soaked, and my hair was damped wetting my back. It was then I ran back to the house. I would probably have a fever in the morning but my mind was mush too care.   I stared at the ring on the couch and listen to the silence of the house.   I…just…couldn’t…stand it!   I became lost from reality that my body started moving on its own. It made itself to the kitchen. My hand reached for the knife sitting so temptingly on the kitchen counter. My fingers wrapped out the hilt holding it tightly afraid that without my knowledge it would drop. I couldn’t tell what I was doing; it was like my own subconscious desires possessed me.   I began to count.   1… 2… 3… 4… 5… …   When I came back I realized I was cut almost all over. I didn’t notice. All I could feel is the world I’m standing in drowning in darkness or maybe was it just me? I sunk to the floor. The cuts weren’t deep for my conscious part prevented it from fatally harming myself. But it was still bleeding and I could discern is red within the black ink.   I heard footsteps and I didn’t bother to look. Is someone worried about me?   I heard a gasp from in front of me to see Bakura staring at me like something’s wrong. Funny, I never new he could make that facial expression other than anger or neutral. But what am I thinking, maybe my mind is playing tricks on me, making me see what I want to see.   My hand unconsciously gripped the handle of the knife tightly. I was tempted to finish off what my subconscious could not accomplish. I weakly lifted it up posing it as a threat to myself. It descended and I cried out as if in exertion. I dove it for a second time and found the knife knocked right out of my hands.   I looked up with warm tears streaming down my pale cold face. It burned but I saw Bakura brush them away. I turned my head abruptly to the side not wanting to look any more. He should be happy! I’m here fading away. I could stay lost forever in my soul room while he can cause whatever devastation he wants.   I just cried harder.  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart   I was being denied death. First those memories and now…him. Why can’t I be left alone? Why is there always interference? My body shook with my sobs and my still wet clothes.   I was then taken by surprise.   It was warm and soft. He had pulled me into a hug or an embrace or a torturous belief. My hands clutched tightly to his sleeve and I cried wetting his clothes along with the embrace he put me in. I couldn’t help it. It was so hard to stop.   I wanted to feel like I was being accepted, like I was being noticed, like I was actually worthy to continue living.   He was the only one who would think of it. Bakura was the only one who made me feel accepted, noticed, and worth to continue living. He was the only one who would show any kind of affection towards me whether it’d be hate or anything… It was only he.   And that is how I’ve wanted to feel for a long time.   I can just continue on into this ugly world I’ve been born into.   And live out the rest of my days in this continuing cycle called life.  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart  

In joy and sorrow

My homes in your arms In world so hollow It’s breaking my heart   -Owari-   Kinshin: -sighs- I was depressed and had to write something. This song just happened to be playing on my CD. This is just a one-shot people so there’s no continuation. Sorry. But I guess I could get another depressing fic out there. That is if I’m in the mood and I always am but today I was just very depressed. And for some reason this actually happened in my life. But instead of someone my cat did the comforting although it didn’t realize it. Well I never really have anyone to turn to around here not even my sister or parents. They talk to me and want me to feel better but I could never tell them about my problems and not even my so-called-friends. They would just brush it off as one of my moods. I can’t blame them though. Anyways hope you people enjoyed somewhat.   No Flames!