Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Pretty Little Liar ❯ Chapter 5
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Celestial Reign 
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 07.09.2010 | Updated On: 07.09.2010 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 328 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Hentai / Horror / Psychological | Type: Other | Uploaded On: 07.09.2010 | Updated On: 07.09.2010 | Pages: 1 | Words: 4.7K | Visits: 328 | Status: Completed
Chapter Five
"Don't cry, Malik."
Those were the first words he'd ever spoken to me. My brother had told me times before not to cry, that everything would be okay. Isis would pat my shoulder, saying not to worry, things would look up. My father would look down on my writhing and crying form, and scrunch his face up, telling me that I was a boy and boys did not cry. Everything they told me, comforting or not, just resulted in more tears. I couldn't help it. The pain...that stabbing pain that ran itself over and over in my mind, gave me nightmares, made me relive that torturous ritual almost every night, I just couldn't help but cry. Crying was release, crying got all the bottled up emotions out.
And Mariku had come to me, the one person who's words ever really mattered to me. He would come to me in dreams at first, when I was crying, begging for my father to stop, please, please stop digging into me with that knife because it hurt, and Mariku would crouch down next to me in my fetal position, rub my back, rub the wounds without hurting them, and...it would feel better. He would pull me close to him, and his warm body felt so good against my own that was coated in cold sweat. He would allow me to wrap my arms around him in return, dig my head into his chest and let my waterfall of tears pool out and soak him. He didn't mind. He would smile at me, run his long fingers through my hair, and shush me, telling me that things would be okay, he would make sure things were okay and I believed him. I naively took those words to heart, thinking he would be truthful, that I would no longer have to feel pain, that things would look up, get better...I trusted him.
Fool, idiot, inane, all these things I was, thinking Mariku was some knight in shining armor, my very own personal golden angel sent to me from heaven. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing, taking advantage of my ignorance until it was too late for me to realize it.
He didn't just talk to me, he would come as a physical being sometimes, always in the dead of night when everyone else was sleeping. I would sometimes wait up in bed, not blowing my candle out just yet, and he would always appear in some dark corner of my room, rising up and stretching like a shadow before coming to my bedside and sitting down. We would chat like good friends, like little brothers, and he would ask questions about my father.
"Why, Malik?" He would look almost innocent, his eyes large and sparkling, yet full of dark knowledge. "Why does that man treat you that way? Why would your own father stab you in the back like that?"
I would shrug, huddling deeper under the covers as the chilly night air began to creep up. "It's who we are," I would say, not even knowing what that meant, just repeating what I'd heard the adults saying. "The first born son has to go through that, it's...it's just what we do."
He would look away off into space, not saying anything more to me, and only when my candle died and we were trapped in darkness, into the early hours of the morning, he would move to the front of the bed, crawl into the covers with me, wrap his arms around my middle, whispering that things would be okay as long as he was there, and we would sleep. He would always be gone by the time I woke up.
H-how could I have been so blind? How could I not have taken those murderous looks he would throw at my father from the back of my mind seriously? How could everything he did, said, some of the most disturbing things I've ever heard, just go right over my head? I trusted him, I really did. I told him my deepest secret, the thing I had kept hidden from everyone my entire life, because I trusted him. He swore not to tell anyone, to keep it forever locked in the back of his mind, and he betrayed me.
I guess it was only what I deserved. I was stupid enough to tell him something like that, and now he was holding me to it, punishing me for my ignorance. If only I had learned back then. It was no longer a secret once you told someone. When someone else knew, they could claim it was still secret, just between the two of you, but it wasn't. A secret is meant to be kept by one person, burdened by one soul, and it defeats the purpose once it is known by another.
I finally wised up to him the day he took over my body. I begged and pleaded and whined for Isis to take me to the surface, to see what life was like. Life. This was not life down here, we were not normal, we did not live. We suffered. My poor sister, she listened to my pleas because she felt I deserved to see the light, to see how normal people lived, and so we broke tradition, went against the very thing we were born to do, and everything shattered, ringing loud and dinning like a continuous drum being beaten on.
Daddy was mad, so, so angry at Isis and me. He punished Rishid for not watching me, for not keeping me locked down underground like a prisoner, and he moved onto me, holding a glinting knife he had held into the fire, saying my punishment for disobeying was now.
No, no, no, no, NO! The knife, the fire, the blood, the screams, the horrible agonizing pain, my muffled screams, it all rushed back and my tears fell. No, no, Daddy, I can't, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't...I just wanted to see the surface, just once. I'm sorry, just let Rishid go, it wasn't his fault, it was my fault, it was all my fault!
Malik...
Mariku...his voice was soothing against my screaming as Daddy advanced on me with that knife, grinning, showing off all his teeth, like he was moving in for the kill, and I couldn't move. I was petrified. That knife, the same thing that had scarred my back...it was coming back, Daddy was moving towards me with it, he w-was going to s-scar me all over again!
Malik, don't worry. I'm here.
As I cried and begged Daddy not to come near me with that knife, as I scrambled into a corner, holding my hands over my head like that would protect me from the blade, as I shed tears and Daddy walked near me, preparing to scar me once more, I could almost feel Mariku's arms wrap around me, warm and comforting, and his head moving to the back of my neck, whispering to me.
Malik, you don't have to worry. Let me handle this, let me take control. It will be okay. Just let me take over...
Daddy walking toward me, the knife glinting in the candlelight, Isis screaming at me from the doorway, Rishid unconscious on the ground, blood pooling from his arms and back, it all went black and I no longer felt anything. I wasn't scared, I wasn't crying, I wasn't being punished by Daddy. It...left.
And Mariku was laughing, that's all I could make out. I was calm, I wasn't being hurt...Mariku took care of everything, he took my fear away, he made things right again, he made it where Daddy wouldn't hurt me, Rishid, and Isis anymore. Almost insane laughter reached my ears, but...that couldn't have been Mariku...No, Mariku was kind, he was loving! He was like my brother, my most trusted friend. Something dark and sinister like that laugh couldn't have come from him. Mariku was...Mariku was...I loved him.
The room came back in a haze and I was faintly aware of Rishid's abused arms wrapped tightly around me, pulling me closer. He shook, wailing above me. "Malik-sama...Malik-sama..." He repeated my name over and over, like it was the only thing he knew to say.
"Brother..." I looked up, at his tear streaked face, his bloodshot eyes, the look of horror that drowned the hazel orbs, and he pulled me tighter, glancing behind me at something.
"D-don't look, Malik-sama."
...His voice scared me. Rishid was always strong, Rishid was the mountain that never bowed, the statue that never backed down, so his shaking voice scared me to death and I looked.
Daddy...covered in blood...tied to a beam...his back ripped to shreds, the scars that were there now gone, motionless and destroyed.
He was dead, Daddy was dead.
And Mariku's insane laughter echoed in the back of my mind.
***
It was still raining outside. Not as hard as it had the first day, but still enough that it splattered against my window and ran down. It was dark out, the clouds seeming to mirror my mood and situation, so waking up for that second day of my hell only to see darkness in my room was quite fitting.
Sleep had not been restful. It never was, not since Mariku appeared all those years ago. I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep for so long, but I had gotten used to it, of sleeping in terror and waking up exhausted the next day. It was routine and I barely took notice of it when I opened my eyes, wanting to shut them again.
I didn't want to do this, didn't want to get up and face the world. I tried to see myself as having a choice in this, of whether or not Mariku could do what he wanted with me, and I could have easily stayed in bed, gone back to sleep, slept the whole day away in hopes that he wouldn't think to do anything to me while I slept, but it was just willful hoping and wishing. I was so childish, thinking I could avoid him, thinking I could hide from him so he couldn't torture me. How long would I continue to lie and put myself through this?
I had to look at the facts of life. There was no getting away from Mariku. He had me right where he wanted me and I couldn't hide, he was me, so he knew where I was, what I was doing, I couldn't fight him for he was the stronger one, always had been, and I couldn't will him away because there was no getting rid of him. He would always come back, he always did, and each time was more terrifying than the last.
I didn't understand him. I didn't understand the way he worked, the way he thought, what sense of logic he used, it was all gibberish to me. What was he thinking when he raped me, touched me, what went through his mind when he forced me down and took me? What did he accomplish by doing so? Was it just a symbol of power for him? He was hate, envy, and despair, so why covet power? He claimed to love me, loved what I was, so was raping me a way of 'loving' me?
Nothing about him made sense to me. Or maybe that's all it really was. Hatred, envy, and despair, lusting for me and putting me through torture fueled him. It filled him up, gave him what he was made of in the first place, and maybe it was just as simple as that. Even though I questioned it, I really didn't want to understand him, his twisted way of thinking, his complex methods of torture. He was evil, psychotic, crazy, and I didn't want any part of it, any understanding at all about why he did the things he did.
I rose out of bed, taking a second to glance at the rain outside the window. How beautiful it was, crystal clear, running down my window like a tear, like sadness. If I was the rain, the beautiful and depressing sadness, then Mariku was the thunder, above me, loud, intimidating, looking down on me, the rain.
I was surprised when I reached the cafeteria to find only Yuugi there, his huge eyes glued to the screen of a television that hung in a corner on a stand. A weather report was on, the man pointing to the cartoon screen behind him at the black clouds and rain, swooping his arms around in silly motions to emphasize the severity of the storm.
"Malik-kun!" Yuugi was always so cheerful, so happy, and it made me smile to know he thought of me as a friend, even after everything I put him through. Devils and angels resided on earth, and Yuugi was definitely an angel, forgiving and kind. "Do you feel better today?"
I nodded, pulling up a chair and sitting next to him as he chowed down on his breakfast that consisted of waffles and eggs. "Yeah. Still a little under the whether, though." The only reason I ran with the sick charade was because I sucked at hiding my feelings. I had...I had been raped three times, and I was getting depressed, hopeless about the situation. I had no control, I had no power, I had no way to fight it, and I wanted to cry all the time. Pathetic and weak, I was so weak, I couldn't talk to anybody about it, and it was caged up inside of me, wanting to explode, and I know I showed it on my face, my sadness, and I guess in a way, I was sick. Physically sick of the torture, the pain, the screams and cries and moans and--
"Aww, that's too bad. Want some eggs?" He gestured his plate that showered with scrambled eggs and I smiled.
"Sure, thank you."
Both of us sat in silence with each other, both focusing our attention on the weatherman who claimed that the storm should clear up by tomorrow evening at the latest. I wasn't really listening, concentrating on the eggs in front of me, trying not to think of anything else, but I caught a few things like "This is the worst storm I believe Domino has ever seen" and "Be sure to have yourself prepared for floods" and other things like that.
The eggs were demolished from Yuugi's plate and he turned to me when I pushed it away, thanking him. He shot me a smile. "You're welcome, Malik-kun." He got up to put the plate in the trash and sat back down next to me, twiddling his fingers and shooting me glances like he wanted to tell me something. I tried not to notice it, but it was hard to fake it once I looked down at him and he jumped like his seat shocked him. "U-Um...Malik-kun?"
"...Yeah?"
"Do you...is there something you want to talk about?"
I froze, not understanding what he meant. "...What do you mean?"
He looked nervous now, and turned away from me like he was afraid of offending me by asking. "Well...it's just that you seem like you've been really sad these past couple of days and...I know you don't feel well, but you really look like you want to cry and I was just wondering if there was something on your mind and you wanted to talk about it." It was hard keeping up with him, him having spat out everything at once and it took me a few seconds to soak in what he'd said.
"Uh--"
"I mean, I'm not trying to be nosy!" His hands were batting back and forth and he looked exasperated, making me want to smile at how scared he was of causing me discomfort. "It's just that some people like to talk about what's on their mind and, well...you just look troubled. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me, but...if you just wanted to talk, I'm here to listen."
I waited for him to say something else and slouched in my seat a little when he didn't, his face turning red, still directed away from me.
Tell...tell what was on my mind. God, everything was on my mind. The rape, the threats, my secret, the fear of rejection, the fear of Mariku, everything about it, it went through my head constantly. I was lucky enough to hear myself think sometimes. No, no, I couldn't tell him anything! Damn myself for not being able to hide my emotions well. Mariku would probably get on to me for that later.
Ever since from the beginning, my secret was for me and me alone, I told only one person and now I regretted it more than anything I think I've ever done. Doing something so stupid like that only resulted in pain and suffering, and I had learned from it.
These people, if they knew, I knew they'd hate me. Every one in this world was the same. They were all demons, all cons, all liars and thieves. They could claim to be your friend all day long, but they all stabbed each other in the back when it was convenient for them. People were selfish, loathing, self-absorbed, only interested in their own needs. Why should these people be any different?
But...I only just now saw it, but...Yuugi, he was so kind to me, had always been nice and caring and gentle. He was pure, the exact opposite of me. I was tainted, he was clean, and there wasn't a single evil bone in his body. But...would I really tell him my secret? He didn't deserve for me to lie to him like this. Yeah, if anyone, he should know, if he was the only one, he had to know. I...I had to tell him.
"Yuugi..." I bit my lip. This was it, I was going to tell. He turned back to me, eyes shining to the brim with innocence and kindness. No, I couldn't lie to that face, to those eyes. "Yuugi, the truth is..." I trailed off again, wringing my fingers. There was no turning back. I was going to come out with it. Do it, Malik, tell him, don't lie to him anymore. "Yuugi, I'm--"
And then it was like a rope snapped. I could almost physically feel his gaze stabbing into me, cutting me open and letting my blood pool out and I gagged in my seat, reaching up and cupping my mouth as I retched and bile rose in my throat. God, God, I was going to puke, that horrible feeling, the fear tightening around my throat, choking me, it was too much. I had to...I had to leave, I had to go, now!
I stood up, kicking back my chair and almost knocking it over, Yuugi's eyes looking up at me in confusion. "Malik...kun?"
"I'm going to throw up. I need to get to my room." I spat it out in a hurry, rushing out of the cafeteria, ignoring Yuugi's pleading voice as he called my name. Another wave of nausea, and I threw up in the hall, running away, getting away from Yuugi.
What was WRONG with me?! I am so stupid! God, what was I thinking?! I couldn't do this, I couldn't take it anymore! Mariku, Mariku, it was his fault, he was the cause of all this, why did he have to do this to me?! I hated him! I hated him so much, I hated--
My door was thrown open and he was standing in the middle of my room, his arms crossed and giving me a look that pierced right through me and I quaked under his stare, knees knocking together. The tension in the air couldn't have been thicker and I was suffocating within it, from fear, from hate, from...everything.
"That was a pretty dumb stunt you pulled, Hikari, and I don't appreciate it."
His voice was calm, always calm, and I think that terrified me more. I'd rather he'd yell at me, scream his throat hoarse, than speak in that low, collected voice. At least then it wouldn't seem so...wrong. Throwing a fit meant you were mad, speaking low and almost peaceful was misleading and scary. "I'm...sorry." Wait...God, what was wrong with me? Why the hell was I apologizing? This was all his fault! If anything, I should be screaming and yelling at him!
In the back of my head, I knew it was hopeless. Screaming and yelling would only result in suffering. Apologizing for something stupid I'd done would at least cushion the blow a little.
My gaze fell to the floor to escape looking at his eyes and we were both silent, save for my nervous breathing and the tap tap noises he made as he hit his arms with his finger, like he was figuring out what to do with me. I felt like a child awaiting punishment, waiting for the parent to move in on them and paddle their behind, as Mariku continued to stare at me and say nothing.
I finally looked up at him, not being able to take the uncomfortable silence anymore, and he was smiling. Why, why did he do that? He purposely did it to frighten me, make me miserable and anxious. "Come here."
I didn't hesitate this time. I moved close to him. He would hurt me this time, kill me for sure. I had gone and done something stupid, and he was angry at me for it. He would slit my throat this time, or perhaps he'd throw me out the window. Whatever he would do, I knew it would not be normal and it would be as drawn out as possible. I reached him, looking at my feet, feeling my throat tighten in fear and I almost wet myself when I felt no knife in my back, or hands around my throat, but instead, long arms twisting around my back and pulling me into a warm body, my face dug into the hair that smelled like lavender.
"I love you, Hikari, I really do, and you almost destroyed everything with what you just did. I don't think that Yuugi boy suspected anything, you got away fast enough, but he'll be back and you'll have to think of a lie to tell him." He squeezed me tighter, one of his hands reached up and petting my hair. "But...I won't just look the other way about it either. You have to keep your end of the bargain and you didn't." I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my flesh and tearing it until I felt tiny splotches of blood seep out. "Come here." I was pulled away from his embrace only to be dragged by the arm to the nightstand by my bed. He reached down and picked up a glass of water I hadn't set there and pushed it to my face. "Drink it." I did so without reluctance, not wanting to get him any madder than he already was.
Coward, I was such a coward. I feared his anger, what he would do to me, I feared being hurt by him, of him killing me, and like the coward I was, I did what he said without question and without retaliation. I bit down the fear as he unzipped his pants and grabbed my wrist, I swallowed my screams as he pulled himself out, and I did not resist when he moved my hand over his chest, manipulating me as me made me draw circles through his thin shirt, around his nipples, moving down to his stomach to draw around his navel, and finally moving down to his crotch where he made me grab him and he let go of my hand, instructing me to pump him.
Coward, that's all I was. What a useless human being I am, taking this, taking this torture and sitting back as he told me what to do, as I moved my hand up and down, as he groaned. It only made me realize how out of control I really was. I had no power, I had no say-so in this, I was a prisoner, the victim, the person locked away in the tower and waiting to be rescued. I was weak and pathetic, sorry and lower than dirt.
And Mariku groaned as I stroked him, doing with him what he told me, when he told me, squeezing when he whispered for me to, playing with the head when he wanted, and slamming my eyes shut when he came into my hand. Gross, disgusting, defiling, and I was helpless.
"I know you won't like this, but it is necessary for your punishment. It will feel strange, but try to suck it up."
I had no idea what he meant, but then my brain flicked back to the water he made me drink. It had a strange metallic taste to it, and I could only assume he drugged me. What the drug did, I figured out only seconds after he'd spoken, feeling groggy and tired, disoriented. It was like drowning in lukewarm water, and he took that opportunity when I stared off into space, not all there, to lift me up and place me on the bed, strip me bare and exposing me to the cold air.
I didn't know what was going on, I barely realized I had been placed onto my bed and the only indication I had that I was naked was the cold air. My body was heavy, and all I could concentrate on was how uncomfortable I felt and how tired I was. I wanted sleep, release from everything, and I knew he was raping me again, but I didn't feel anything, couldn't feel from the drug, could only whimper and whine, sob and wail because I didn't know what was going on.
And then I heard him speak. It was far off, like he was yelling at me through the other end of a pipe, and I only caught some of it, but what I heard was enough. "...me, Hikari...rather you be conscious...shatters any resistance...like this, I can do whatever I want...you are more helpless than you know."
His words stung, but they rang with truth, but through it all, I was thankful, thankful he had drugged me, thankful I wasn't aware through the rape, that I was a doped up helpless child, that I couldn't feel the pain. Even a lie, even though he only did this to show just how out of control I was and that he could do anything he wished, I did not feel pain. It's like it never happened.
A lie, a cruel lie, but I loved it. I could sleep through it, let him do what he wished, but I didn't have to live through it.
The last thing I was aware of was his lips pressing to mine like they always did when he finished, his fingers running through my hair, stroking, and then my world went black.
"Don't cry, Malik."
Those were the first words he'd ever spoken to me. My brother had told me times before not to cry, that everything would be okay. Isis would pat my shoulder, saying not to worry, things would look up. My father would look down on my writhing and crying form, and scrunch his face up, telling me that I was a boy and boys did not cry. Everything they told me, comforting or not, just resulted in more tears. I couldn't help it. The pain...that stabbing pain that ran itself over and over in my mind, gave me nightmares, made me relive that torturous ritual almost every night, I just couldn't help but cry. Crying was release, crying got all the bottled up emotions out.
And Mariku had come to me, the one person who's words ever really mattered to me. He would come to me in dreams at first, when I was crying, begging for my father to stop, please, please stop digging into me with that knife because it hurt, and Mariku would crouch down next to me in my fetal position, rub my back, rub the wounds without hurting them, and...it would feel better. He would pull me close to him, and his warm body felt so good against my own that was coated in cold sweat. He would allow me to wrap my arms around him in return, dig my head into his chest and let my waterfall of tears pool out and soak him. He didn't mind. He would smile at me, run his long fingers through my hair, and shush me, telling me that things would be okay, he would make sure things were okay and I believed him. I naively took those words to heart, thinking he would be truthful, that I would no longer have to feel pain, that things would look up, get better...I trusted him.
Fool, idiot, inane, all these things I was, thinking Mariku was some knight in shining armor, my very own personal golden angel sent to me from heaven. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing, taking advantage of my ignorance until it was too late for me to realize it.
He didn't just talk to me, he would come as a physical being sometimes, always in the dead of night when everyone else was sleeping. I would sometimes wait up in bed, not blowing my candle out just yet, and he would always appear in some dark corner of my room, rising up and stretching like a shadow before coming to my bedside and sitting down. We would chat like good friends, like little brothers, and he would ask questions about my father.
"Why, Malik?" He would look almost innocent, his eyes large and sparkling, yet full of dark knowledge. "Why does that man treat you that way? Why would your own father stab you in the back like that?"
I would shrug, huddling deeper under the covers as the chilly night air began to creep up. "It's who we are," I would say, not even knowing what that meant, just repeating what I'd heard the adults saying. "The first born son has to go through that, it's...it's just what we do."
He would look away off into space, not saying anything more to me, and only when my candle died and we were trapped in darkness, into the early hours of the morning, he would move to the front of the bed, crawl into the covers with me, wrap his arms around my middle, whispering that things would be okay as long as he was there, and we would sleep. He would always be gone by the time I woke up.
H-how could I have been so blind? How could I not have taken those murderous looks he would throw at my father from the back of my mind seriously? How could everything he did, said, some of the most disturbing things I've ever heard, just go right over my head? I trusted him, I really did. I told him my deepest secret, the thing I had kept hidden from everyone my entire life, because I trusted him. He swore not to tell anyone, to keep it forever locked in the back of his mind, and he betrayed me.
I guess it was only what I deserved. I was stupid enough to tell him something like that, and now he was holding me to it, punishing me for my ignorance. If only I had learned back then. It was no longer a secret once you told someone. When someone else knew, they could claim it was still secret, just between the two of you, but it wasn't. A secret is meant to be kept by one person, burdened by one soul, and it defeats the purpose once it is known by another.
I finally wised up to him the day he took over my body. I begged and pleaded and whined for Isis to take me to the surface, to see what life was like. Life. This was not life down here, we were not normal, we did not live. We suffered. My poor sister, she listened to my pleas because she felt I deserved to see the light, to see how normal people lived, and so we broke tradition, went against the very thing we were born to do, and everything shattered, ringing loud and dinning like a continuous drum being beaten on.
Daddy was mad, so, so angry at Isis and me. He punished Rishid for not watching me, for not keeping me locked down underground like a prisoner, and he moved onto me, holding a glinting knife he had held into the fire, saying my punishment for disobeying was now.
No, no, no, no, NO! The knife, the fire, the blood, the screams, the horrible agonizing pain, my muffled screams, it all rushed back and my tears fell. No, no, Daddy, I can't, no. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't...I just wanted to see the surface, just once. I'm sorry, just let Rishid go, it wasn't his fault, it was my fault, it was all my fault!
Malik...
Mariku...his voice was soothing against my screaming as Daddy advanced on me with that knife, grinning, showing off all his teeth, like he was moving in for the kill, and I couldn't move. I was petrified. That knife, the same thing that had scarred my back...it was coming back, Daddy was moving towards me with it, he w-was going to s-scar me all over again!
Malik, don't worry. I'm here.
As I cried and begged Daddy not to come near me with that knife, as I scrambled into a corner, holding my hands over my head like that would protect me from the blade, as I shed tears and Daddy walked near me, preparing to scar me once more, I could almost feel Mariku's arms wrap around me, warm and comforting, and his head moving to the back of my neck, whispering to me.
Malik, you don't have to worry. Let me handle this, let me take control. It will be okay. Just let me take over...
Daddy walking toward me, the knife glinting in the candlelight, Isis screaming at me from the doorway, Rishid unconscious on the ground, blood pooling from his arms and back, it all went black and I no longer felt anything. I wasn't scared, I wasn't crying, I wasn't being punished by Daddy. It...left.
And Mariku was laughing, that's all I could make out. I was calm, I wasn't being hurt...Mariku took care of everything, he took my fear away, he made things right again, he made it where Daddy wouldn't hurt me, Rishid, and Isis anymore. Almost insane laughter reached my ears, but...that couldn't have been Mariku...No, Mariku was kind, he was loving! He was like my brother, my most trusted friend. Something dark and sinister like that laugh couldn't have come from him. Mariku was...Mariku was...I loved him.
The room came back in a haze and I was faintly aware of Rishid's abused arms wrapped tightly around me, pulling me closer. He shook, wailing above me. "Malik-sama...Malik-sama..." He repeated my name over and over, like it was the only thing he knew to say.
"Brother..." I looked up, at his tear streaked face, his bloodshot eyes, the look of horror that drowned the hazel orbs, and he pulled me tighter, glancing behind me at something.
"D-don't look, Malik-sama."
...His voice scared me. Rishid was always strong, Rishid was the mountain that never bowed, the statue that never backed down, so his shaking voice scared me to death and I looked.
Daddy...covered in blood...tied to a beam...his back ripped to shreds, the scars that were there now gone, motionless and destroyed.
He was dead, Daddy was dead.
And Mariku's insane laughter echoed in the back of my mind.
***
It was still raining outside. Not as hard as it had the first day, but still enough that it splattered against my window and ran down. It was dark out, the clouds seeming to mirror my mood and situation, so waking up for that second day of my hell only to see darkness in my room was quite fitting.
Sleep had not been restful. It never was, not since Mariku appeared all those years ago. I hadn't gotten a decent night's sleep for so long, but I had gotten used to it, of sleeping in terror and waking up exhausted the next day. It was routine and I barely took notice of it when I opened my eyes, wanting to shut them again.
I didn't want to do this, didn't want to get up and face the world. I tried to see myself as having a choice in this, of whether or not Mariku could do what he wanted with me, and I could have easily stayed in bed, gone back to sleep, slept the whole day away in hopes that he wouldn't think to do anything to me while I slept, but it was just willful hoping and wishing. I was so childish, thinking I could avoid him, thinking I could hide from him so he couldn't torture me. How long would I continue to lie and put myself through this?
I had to look at the facts of life. There was no getting away from Mariku. He had me right where he wanted me and I couldn't hide, he was me, so he knew where I was, what I was doing, I couldn't fight him for he was the stronger one, always had been, and I couldn't will him away because there was no getting rid of him. He would always come back, he always did, and each time was more terrifying than the last.
I didn't understand him. I didn't understand the way he worked, the way he thought, what sense of logic he used, it was all gibberish to me. What was he thinking when he raped me, touched me, what went through his mind when he forced me down and took me? What did he accomplish by doing so? Was it just a symbol of power for him? He was hate, envy, and despair, so why covet power? He claimed to love me, loved what I was, so was raping me a way of 'loving' me?
Nothing about him made sense to me. Or maybe that's all it really was. Hatred, envy, and despair, lusting for me and putting me through torture fueled him. It filled him up, gave him what he was made of in the first place, and maybe it was just as simple as that. Even though I questioned it, I really didn't want to understand him, his twisted way of thinking, his complex methods of torture. He was evil, psychotic, crazy, and I didn't want any part of it, any understanding at all about why he did the things he did.
I rose out of bed, taking a second to glance at the rain outside the window. How beautiful it was, crystal clear, running down my window like a tear, like sadness. If I was the rain, the beautiful and depressing sadness, then Mariku was the thunder, above me, loud, intimidating, looking down on me, the rain.
I was surprised when I reached the cafeteria to find only Yuugi there, his huge eyes glued to the screen of a television that hung in a corner on a stand. A weather report was on, the man pointing to the cartoon screen behind him at the black clouds and rain, swooping his arms around in silly motions to emphasize the severity of the storm.
"Malik-kun!" Yuugi was always so cheerful, so happy, and it made me smile to know he thought of me as a friend, even after everything I put him through. Devils and angels resided on earth, and Yuugi was definitely an angel, forgiving and kind. "Do you feel better today?"
I nodded, pulling up a chair and sitting next to him as he chowed down on his breakfast that consisted of waffles and eggs. "Yeah. Still a little under the whether, though." The only reason I ran with the sick charade was because I sucked at hiding my feelings. I had...I had been raped three times, and I was getting depressed, hopeless about the situation. I had no control, I had no power, I had no way to fight it, and I wanted to cry all the time. Pathetic and weak, I was so weak, I couldn't talk to anybody about it, and it was caged up inside of me, wanting to explode, and I know I showed it on my face, my sadness, and I guess in a way, I was sick. Physically sick of the torture, the pain, the screams and cries and moans and--
"Aww, that's too bad. Want some eggs?" He gestured his plate that showered with scrambled eggs and I smiled.
"Sure, thank you."
Both of us sat in silence with each other, both focusing our attention on the weatherman who claimed that the storm should clear up by tomorrow evening at the latest. I wasn't really listening, concentrating on the eggs in front of me, trying not to think of anything else, but I caught a few things like "This is the worst storm I believe Domino has ever seen" and "Be sure to have yourself prepared for floods" and other things like that.
The eggs were demolished from Yuugi's plate and he turned to me when I pushed it away, thanking him. He shot me a smile. "You're welcome, Malik-kun." He got up to put the plate in the trash and sat back down next to me, twiddling his fingers and shooting me glances like he wanted to tell me something. I tried not to notice it, but it was hard to fake it once I looked down at him and he jumped like his seat shocked him. "U-Um...Malik-kun?"
"...Yeah?"
"Do you...is there something you want to talk about?"
I froze, not understanding what he meant. "...What do you mean?"
He looked nervous now, and turned away from me like he was afraid of offending me by asking. "Well...it's just that you seem like you've been really sad these past couple of days and...I know you don't feel well, but you really look like you want to cry and I was just wondering if there was something on your mind and you wanted to talk about it." It was hard keeping up with him, him having spat out everything at once and it took me a few seconds to soak in what he'd said.
"Uh--"
"I mean, I'm not trying to be nosy!" His hands were batting back and forth and he looked exasperated, making me want to smile at how scared he was of causing me discomfort. "It's just that some people like to talk about what's on their mind and, well...you just look troubled. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't want you to be uncomfortable around me, but...if you just wanted to talk, I'm here to listen."
I waited for him to say something else and slouched in my seat a little when he didn't, his face turning red, still directed away from me.
Tell...tell what was on my mind. God, everything was on my mind. The rape, the threats, my secret, the fear of rejection, the fear of Mariku, everything about it, it went through my head constantly. I was lucky enough to hear myself think sometimes. No, no, I couldn't tell him anything! Damn myself for not being able to hide my emotions well. Mariku would probably get on to me for that later.
Ever since from the beginning, my secret was for me and me alone, I told only one person and now I regretted it more than anything I think I've ever done. Doing something so stupid like that only resulted in pain and suffering, and I had learned from it.
These people, if they knew, I knew they'd hate me. Every one in this world was the same. They were all demons, all cons, all liars and thieves. They could claim to be your friend all day long, but they all stabbed each other in the back when it was convenient for them. People were selfish, loathing, self-absorbed, only interested in their own needs. Why should these people be any different?
But...I only just now saw it, but...Yuugi, he was so kind to me, had always been nice and caring and gentle. He was pure, the exact opposite of me. I was tainted, he was clean, and there wasn't a single evil bone in his body. But...would I really tell him my secret? He didn't deserve for me to lie to him like this. Yeah, if anyone, he should know, if he was the only one, he had to know. I...I had to tell him.
"Yuugi..." I bit my lip. This was it, I was going to tell. He turned back to me, eyes shining to the brim with innocence and kindness. No, I couldn't lie to that face, to those eyes. "Yuugi, the truth is..." I trailed off again, wringing my fingers. There was no turning back. I was going to come out with it. Do it, Malik, tell him, don't lie to him anymore. "Yuugi, I'm--"
And then it was like a rope snapped. I could almost physically feel his gaze stabbing into me, cutting me open and letting my blood pool out and I gagged in my seat, reaching up and cupping my mouth as I retched and bile rose in my throat. God, God, I was going to puke, that horrible feeling, the fear tightening around my throat, choking me, it was too much. I had to...I had to leave, I had to go, now!
I stood up, kicking back my chair and almost knocking it over, Yuugi's eyes looking up at me in confusion. "Malik...kun?"
"I'm going to throw up. I need to get to my room." I spat it out in a hurry, rushing out of the cafeteria, ignoring Yuugi's pleading voice as he called my name. Another wave of nausea, and I threw up in the hall, running away, getting away from Yuugi.
What was WRONG with me?! I am so stupid! God, what was I thinking?! I couldn't do this, I couldn't take it anymore! Mariku, Mariku, it was his fault, he was the cause of all this, why did he have to do this to me?! I hated him! I hated him so much, I hated--
My door was thrown open and he was standing in the middle of my room, his arms crossed and giving me a look that pierced right through me and I quaked under his stare, knees knocking together. The tension in the air couldn't have been thicker and I was suffocating within it, from fear, from hate, from...everything.
"That was a pretty dumb stunt you pulled, Hikari, and I don't appreciate it."
His voice was calm, always calm, and I think that terrified me more. I'd rather he'd yell at me, scream his throat hoarse, than speak in that low, collected voice. At least then it wouldn't seem so...wrong. Throwing a fit meant you were mad, speaking low and almost peaceful was misleading and scary. "I'm...sorry." Wait...God, what was wrong with me? Why the hell was I apologizing? This was all his fault! If anything, I should be screaming and yelling at him!
In the back of my head, I knew it was hopeless. Screaming and yelling would only result in suffering. Apologizing for something stupid I'd done would at least cushion the blow a little.
My gaze fell to the floor to escape looking at his eyes and we were both silent, save for my nervous breathing and the tap tap noises he made as he hit his arms with his finger, like he was figuring out what to do with me. I felt like a child awaiting punishment, waiting for the parent to move in on them and paddle their behind, as Mariku continued to stare at me and say nothing.
I finally looked up at him, not being able to take the uncomfortable silence anymore, and he was smiling. Why, why did he do that? He purposely did it to frighten me, make me miserable and anxious. "Come here."
I didn't hesitate this time. I moved close to him. He would hurt me this time, kill me for sure. I had gone and done something stupid, and he was angry at me for it. He would slit my throat this time, or perhaps he'd throw me out the window. Whatever he would do, I knew it would not be normal and it would be as drawn out as possible. I reached him, looking at my feet, feeling my throat tighten in fear and I almost wet myself when I felt no knife in my back, or hands around my throat, but instead, long arms twisting around my back and pulling me into a warm body, my face dug into the hair that smelled like lavender.
"I love you, Hikari, I really do, and you almost destroyed everything with what you just did. I don't think that Yuugi boy suspected anything, you got away fast enough, but he'll be back and you'll have to think of a lie to tell him." He squeezed me tighter, one of his hands reached up and petting my hair. "But...I won't just look the other way about it either. You have to keep your end of the bargain and you didn't." I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my flesh and tearing it until I felt tiny splotches of blood seep out. "Come here." I was pulled away from his embrace only to be dragged by the arm to the nightstand by my bed. He reached down and picked up a glass of water I hadn't set there and pushed it to my face. "Drink it." I did so without reluctance, not wanting to get him any madder than he already was.
Coward, I was such a coward. I feared his anger, what he would do to me, I feared being hurt by him, of him killing me, and like the coward I was, I did what he said without question and without retaliation. I bit down the fear as he unzipped his pants and grabbed my wrist, I swallowed my screams as he pulled himself out, and I did not resist when he moved my hand over his chest, manipulating me as me made me draw circles through his thin shirt, around his nipples, moving down to his stomach to draw around his navel, and finally moving down to his crotch where he made me grab him and he let go of my hand, instructing me to pump him.
Coward, that's all I was. What a useless human being I am, taking this, taking this torture and sitting back as he told me what to do, as I moved my hand up and down, as he groaned. It only made me realize how out of control I really was. I had no power, I had no say-so in this, I was a prisoner, the victim, the person locked away in the tower and waiting to be rescued. I was weak and pathetic, sorry and lower than dirt.
And Mariku groaned as I stroked him, doing with him what he told me, when he told me, squeezing when he whispered for me to, playing with the head when he wanted, and slamming my eyes shut when he came into my hand. Gross, disgusting, defiling, and I was helpless.
"I know you won't like this, but it is necessary for your punishment. It will feel strange, but try to suck it up."
I had no idea what he meant, but then my brain flicked back to the water he made me drink. It had a strange metallic taste to it, and I could only assume he drugged me. What the drug did, I figured out only seconds after he'd spoken, feeling groggy and tired, disoriented. It was like drowning in lukewarm water, and he took that opportunity when I stared off into space, not all there, to lift me up and place me on the bed, strip me bare and exposing me to the cold air.
I didn't know what was going on, I barely realized I had been placed onto my bed and the only indication I had that I was naked was the cold air. My body was heavy, and all I could concentrate on was how uncomfortable I felt and how tired I was. I wanted sleep, release from everything, and I knew he was raping me again, but I didn't feel anything, couldn't feel from the drug, could only whimper and whine, sob and wail because I didn't know what was going on.
And then I heard him speak. It was far off, like he was yelling at me through the other end of a pipe, and I only caught some of it, but what I heard was enough. "...me, Hikari...rather you be conscious...shatters any resistance...like this, I can do whatever I want...you are more helpless than you know."
His words stung, but they rang with truth, but through it all, I was thankful, thankful he had drugged me, thankful I wasn't aware through the rape, that I was a doped up helpless child, that I couldn't feel the pain. Even a lie, even though he only did this to show just how out of control I was and that he could do anything he wished, I did not feel pain. It's like it never happened.
A lie, a cruel lie, but I loved it. I could sleep through it, let him do what he wished, but I didn't have to live through it.
The last thing I was aware of was his lips pressing to mine like they always did when he finished, his fingers running through my hair, stroking, and then my world went black.