Sometimes

A Companion piece to "Not"

Sometimes, I wonder what he really thinks. Seto Kaiba, I mean. No one knows about this though. And most wouldn't believe it anyway. I don't treat him the way most people would; I treat him like dirt. Most of the time, that is. I've been observing him since the first day I saw him. Thus, I know quite a bit about him now. Bits and pieces of information I've subconsciously picked up from various sources of debatable repute.

For one, I know he was adopted. He's not a real Kaiba. I know he's only got one living relative, a sweet little kid, Mokuba. And I know that he isn't happy. Of course, this last bit of knowledge I've had to deduce. It's taken me a lot of time to do so too. But, I've had a lot of time. I've been studying him since we were twelve.

Do not misunderstand me though; it's not an obsession. I'm not even interested in him. Observing is a pastime I picked up.

I glared at him for effect. He stood before me waiting for an answer I suspect he already knew. You'd have to be a blind to say that Seto Kaiba isn't one of the most gorgeous guys in Domino City. That, or an utterly irreprehensible liar. Every girl in our school acknowledged it the day he walked into the sixth grade.

He was barely five feet tall, in a trench coat that swung around his ankles threatening to trip him, and skinny as hell. But he was the most gorgeous boy I had ever seen; I am, however, an irreprehensible liar of the highest order.

After four years of blatantly ignoring the ever-improving handsomeness of Kaiba, through the Duellist Kingdom and Battle City, I feel like Frank William Abagnale Jr. The lie can only last so long. I stood confronted by it right then and I realised that it'd gotten the better of me. I couldn't say anything. So I glared. It was my only line of external defence. Inside, I was already beaten.

He opened the door to the limo, put one foot in and turned to look at me once again. Strangely, he looked slightly undecided, hesitant almost. And still I glared at him. I willed myself to look strong, defiant…anything but ready to accept that ride. It worked. As though clearing an unwanted thought, he blinked. Then shrugged and closed the door.

I still glared. I glared until the limo rounded the curb and disappeared from view. Although I couldn't see through the tinted windows, I had a feeling I was being watched. I almost felt as though he cared. Not that it would matter or anything. I'm not interested. I shook my head.

Five minutes later, when the rain had lessened, I started trudging my way home. All the while, I cursed myself for not accepting the ride.

"Damn it."

Sometimes, I wonder if life really worth all the effort you put into it? I mean, what's the point? You try for almost ever and what do you get for it? A bunch of whacked friends, that's what. Just then, inventory showed that, so far, I'd gotten: Two goofball-jock-tough guys, one fashion-goddess-bitch, and two MPD- card junkies.

'GO SHOPPING!!!' my inner-bitch screamed. Unfortunately, she's been suppressed for such a long time that she has hardly any influence - usually. I'd been on edge since I left school. I guess that'd explain why I used the word 'bitch' so many times in five minutes. To remind myself of who I was, I made another friendship speech. I know it gets on people's nerves but it helps me.

So there I sat, in the middle of Yugi's Grandpa's shop, ranting about friendship and loyalty and how important they are. The video-memory of Kaiba on the wall of Pegasus' castle threatening to jump suddenly hit me. I stopped abruptly and caught flashes of the undisguised escapee looks of relief from the boys.

My books slammed shut, I hauled out. I still couldn't get the repeat function on my brain to stop working. Manual override was completely hopeless and brute force was beginning to become a very appealing prospect. As I relived the scene over and over again in my head, I remembered clearly being the one to stop Yugi. Else Seto Kaiba would have been dead.

But Yugi wouldn't have killed him or allowed him to kill himself. Right? Yugi had become more and more unreadable. What I thought were his multiple personalities were melding steadily into one not-so-sweet character. I thought back and was suddenly doubtful.

I remembered everything and then I realised that I didn't remember thinking. Conscious thought before stepping into the situation I had was a requirement. But I hadn't. It was an instinctual move. Almost protective on my part, like a reflex action.

I opened the door to the dance studio thinking that, sometimes, I scared myself. Sometimes, I was almost interested in the CEO. Sometimes, I almost felt like it was an…obsession. When had it stopped being merely observation? When had I crossed that line? Why had I interfered? Sometimes, I don't understand myself.

When had the rain stopped?

Dance class that afternoon was particularly helpful. But, like everything when you're insecure about your boundaries, it also raised some questions. Starting at 4:30 in the afternoons everything in the world disappeared behind a curtain of music and motion.

The dance teacher is Nadeshiko Singh - a Japanese/Indian hybrid. Her choice of music is broader and her taste more eccentric. For the alternative dance piece of the month she chose an Indian song - from a film called 'Asoka' after the ancient king whose biography it portrayed. Indian films, we learnt, had apparently at least three songs, which were acted out (and sometimes sung) completely by the actors, thus resulting in the extended length of the films (approximately 3 hours).

Our song was to be 'Roshni Se'. It meant 'With light'. The mood of the song fit the cloudy atmosphere outside. For three hours it was all I heard and all I thought about. I made a mental note to get the full meaning of the song from Ms. Singh. When I left, I had a copy of the song on cassette in my bag.

After dinner and a long, long bath, I popped the tape into my player and lay back on the bed, eyes closed. There is a line that Ms. Singh says means, "Touching me, they say, don't touch me." Somewhere in the middle of the song, in the middle of that line, I find myself standing in front of Seto, whose hair is soaked and, because he's run his fingers through it, tousled.

He stares at me with turbulent dark blue eyes. There are droplets of water on his face and I ache to be one, simply to feel him just once. As they dance along down his face, they taunt me. Touching him, they say, "Don't touch him."

The phone rings and jerks me out of my reverie. Mom answers it in the kitchen. I stare at the ceiling. Maybe it's for me, maybe it's not. After a minute, I hear no call and decide it must not be for me. A tap on my door tells me Mom wants to come in. Dad is on business trip again.

She comes in and wastes no time. Who is Seto? Why? He called - he asked if I was home. He didn't want to speak to me. And hung up. Oh. Who is he? He's…what would I call him? "He's an interesting person." A friend? Yeah, of Yugi's. Oh. Goodnight, Mom.

Sometimes, I think I'll never understand people. I have no idea why Seto would call simply to find out if I'm home. I no longer understand where I stand in my observations. I don't know when, during the course of the day, he stopped being Kaiba and started being Seto. I have no idea what I feel for him. Or what he feels for me…

Stop.

"Sometimes, I almost think he cares."

Finis.

'Roshni Se' from 'Asoka'

Music © A. R. Rahaman

Roshni se bhare bhare Filled with light

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Roshni se bhare bhare Filled with light

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Sapnon se bhare bhare Filled with dreams

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Sapnon se bhare bhare Filled with dreams

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Dhoonda hai dhoonda hai thuje I have searched for you

Akaash upar tale Above and under the sky

Shaayad kisi badri mein So maybe, in some cloud

Lipti hui tu mile I would find you enclosed

Ah… Dhoonda hai dhoonda hai thuje I have searched for you

Akaash upar tale Above and under the sky

Shaayad kisi nadiya pe So maybe, on some river

Chalta hua tu mile I would find you walking

Roshni se bhare bhare Filled with light

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Maine samay rok ke I stopped time

Tera pataa poocha hai And asked about you

Mili nadi se kehke I met a river saying,

Saagar tale dhoonda hai I have searched under the oceans

Haan, lehron pe chalet hue Yes, walking on waves

Paani ke phan chhoote hai Droplets of water touch,

Jaise tere haath, ho Just like your hands,

Mera yeh tan chhoote hai Touch this body of mine

Roshni se bhare bhare Filled with light

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Sapnon se bhare bhare Filled with dreams

Bhare bhare naina tere Filled are your gazes

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

Chhooke bole no choona mujhe Touching me, they say, don't touch me

DISCLAIMER: The song "Roshni Se" belongs to A.R.Rahaman and the producers of Asoka. I do not own it and make no monetary profit off of its usage.

The Lyrics can be found at BollywoodLyrics.com. I have, however, altered the translation. As is the case with most foreign languages, Hindi, when translated directly into English, doesn't make all that much sense and, in order to facilitate maximum lyrical understanding, I made it make sense.

AN: If you haven't read "Not" you probably won't understand most of this. I hope you liked it and I really hope it wasn't too confusing. It's midnight and I didn't get much sleep last night so…

Anyways, hoped you had a good read, enjoyed a different kind of song-fic and learnt a little something about another culture. Please Review!

Gg~