Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ The Heart Behind Blue Eyes ❯ Nothing to Live For? ( Chapter 1 )

~The Heart Behind Blue Eyes~

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~It's five years after Battle City, and Seto Kaiba has sunk into a deep depression; feeling that there is nothing left to live for, he is shocked by a vivid dream that promises him a return to happiness. But when this dream turns reality, his greatest rival realizes that he is merely spinning a new path to his demise, but can Yami save him from the deadly promise of happiness, bring him back to reality, and show him that there is much to live for? A Seto-centric fic, eventually S/Y.~

Okay, this is my first fic that I've had the guts to post on ff.net, so please don't flame it! Constructive criticism is welcome, and hyper reviewers are enjoyed (I can be one myself!). I'm making this a Yami/Seto fic, because I love this pairing (there are so many clues to it on the show, I swear!) and if you have a problem with yaoi, then sucks for you. But seriously, with this show, it is almost impossible for there to be het pairings because of the lack of female characters. I've only seen the English dub up to Yugi's duel against Joey (pathetic, I know), so I hope some of my ideas aren't incredibly off or outdated, I need to find a decent site so I can find spoilers! Suggestions would be great! ^_~

I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh! The characters in this story, or anything else that has been patented! If I did then I would be insanely rich, I definitely wouldn't need to be writing fanfictions, and the show would be a little different, heh heh heh. So anyway, DON'T sue me because all you will get will be six fifty in loose change, my school supplies, and an enormous lawyer bill.

"Blah blah blah." indicates speech

'Blah blah blah.' indicates thoughts

...Blah blah blah... indicates flashbacks, or memories

*~*~*~*~* indicates the start and end of a dream

/Blah blah blah./ indicates yami and hikari talk to each other

<Blah blah blah.> indicates that the frivolous author is inserting some deeply insightful comment.

<Hehehehe... anyway. The first chapter is kind of rambly because it has to set the mood of the story, and to establish why Seto is going to be acting sort of out of character in the rest of the story. Hopefully the later chapters will have more action and less beating around the bush... for the readers sake. ^_~ Thanks for taking the time to read my probably stupid fic, it means a lot since this is my first one I've ever let the public read!>

Chapter 1: Nothing to Live For?

Hard, gray rain pounded down relentlessly, smashing on and around the glass and metal exterior of the huge building, KaibaCorp. Inside, Seto Kaiba, CEO of the massive company, drummed his fingers idly on the keyboard of his laptop and finally pushed away from his desk with a heavy sigh. He swivelled his chair around to face the broad window to his back, and surveyed the gray mass of city beneath him. Privately, he hated it when it rained like this. He felt like the sky was mocking him by echoing the true feelings in his heart. Yes, corny, he knew it. But at this point in his life he wearily even put up with his own dank reservations.

With a weak push, the blue eyed youth propelled himself forward until he was up against the thick sheet of glass that served as the fourth wall and the window in his office. The glass was cold and dead against him as he leaned his forehead against the clammy surface and gazed down, down, forty stories to the streets below. He watched spots of color in the forms of cars and umbrellas weaving their way through the network of streets. Strangely, he couldn't help feeling envious that all those people could be going about leading happy lives while he was stuck up there feeling miserable. He was about to resign himself to more work and turn back around when he caught sight of something.

Yes, two small figures running side by side, he could only tell by the flaming color hair of the one, a bright star of black edged in magenta with brilliant blonde bangs, and the other a dark, shaggy mop that could only belong to one person. At first a wave of irritation passed through Seto as he realized that his brother was running through the streets in the rain; he could catch his death pulling stunts like that! But then, his little brother was a far cry from the young squirt that Seto had needed to protect since they were left at the orphanage. Then another figure caught his eye. A few steps behind the running duo, was a taller form, with hair very much similar to the smaller version of himself ahead of him. But aside from first glance, the taller one was different. Three of the golden spiky bangs rose up his head like a crown, and his figure was lean and more finished than the other boy's.

'Humph,' Seto thought trying to school his attention elsewhere. 'There's no way I can see detail from way up here. I need to stop imagining things.' But already in his mind he saw the dark violet eyes of the taller boy, more angled and cruel than those of his double. Around his neck hung the golden Millennium Puzzle that had belonged to him in his previous life, and his voice was deep and commanding, not childlike or innocent at all.

Mentally cursing himself afresh Seto leaned harder against the glass and followed the small dot that was his brother with his eyes. At first he stayed sane thinking about how he would scold the afore mentioned brother once he saw him this evening, but gradually his thoughts slipped away, as a depressed mind often does.

What had he really accomplished in his life? Seto reflected on it glumly, leaning into the punishing cold of the window glass. He had swore to protect his brother and be a father to him when he was only six in the orphanage, and how had he failed at that? Bitter memories of times he had come across kids picking on Mokuba and had driven them off only after his brother was scratched up. The time when Pegasus had kidnaped him, and Seto had not only been unable to rescue him, but had ended up a prisoner himself, in need of saving by no less than his rival. When they had returned from Duelist Kingdom to face the big five, he had left his brother again when he fell into the trap. A second time Mokuba had turned to his rival, the tall violet eyed pharaoh, to save him, and in the final duel he had been powerless to help Mokuba when the five god dragon had fired on him. Without the help of his smirking rival, he would not have been able to save his little brother. At battle city he had stood by oblivious while his little brother was captured and used as bait, and once again that beautiful fierce eyed duelist had needed to come to his aide.

Seto shook his head vigorously at the last thought. Yes, Yami and Yugi, even more to feel bad about. Ever since he had been abandoned with Mokuba, he had striven to be the best in as many things as he could. Psychologists, that social workers commanded he see in order to become a legal adult at the age of twelve, had claimed that his goal to be the best was an unconscious protection against ever being abandoned or thought of as worthless again. Stupid therapists, he had charmed them more than they could analyze by the second session and he had received his legal adult station without an ounce of their help. But sometimes he wondered if what they had said was true. He had become enamored of chess at the age of seven, and successfully beaten the world champion by eight. He had become physically fit and risen to the apex of all of the martial arts classes he had attended and likewise bested high school champion wrestlers, runners, and swimmers. Finally, his obsession with duel monsters, how he felt the bond and kinship with the cards, how familiar they felt when they rested in his hands, his beloved Blue Eyes White Dragons, so similar to himself, how they would seem to rise in his deck to help him in a clutch. Ever since he had picked up a card and felt the power that beat inside of it, he knew that if he could just master them he would be happy. For a while he had, he had never lost a match and been the undisputed world champion, until Yami and Yugi came along.

There it was again, why did that dark eyed pharaoh and his little hikari always seem to invade his mind? Especially that arrogant pharaoh. Why did he always see Seto at his weakest, his most cruel? 'Why do I even car?' Seto thought ruefully. That perpetually smirking ruler was the only one that could always hand him defeat every time, and make him at the same time, more than he could be alone? They clashed at every meeting, and yet what a team they made when they came together.

Furiously Seto bashed his head against the glass trying to rid the thoughts from his mind. He was unaware that tears had been pricking at his eyes and dampening his cheeks.

Yugi was a perfect young man, beloved by friends and adults, an expert duelist even when he wasn't melded with his pharaoh yami, and always willing to help and trust. He had befriended Mokuba and now the pair were nearly as inseparable as Yugi and the yappy Chihuahua Joey.

'Ah, Mokuba.' Seto thought sadly. 'I swore that I would always be there for you, and look at how many times I've failed you. Now you're growing up and you don't need me anymore.' Seto thought about his now sixteen year old brother, already independent, established in a circle of friends, going out with one of the popular girls at his high school. Mokuba certainly didn't need him anymore. His goal to be duel monsters champion again? The sly faced pharaoh was unbeatable and even though Seto knew his deck as well as the man himself did, there was no getting around that try as he might, he could not beat Yami. His company was prospering, and he barely needed to guide it now, Mokuba was learning the ropes and Seto had finally procured a board that was up to par with his expectations; after two years of training he barely had to check on their decisions to agree with what they said. 'Let's face it,' Seto closed his eyes, 'there really isn't anything left to live for.'

The brunette drew back from the merciless window, his deep cerulean eyes blind to the window wet with his tears. His mind in a daze he wasn't aware that he had pushed himself back to his desk and opened up the secret compartment in the bottom left hand drawer. In his hand was an elaborate dagger, honed sharp, and well kept by him. It was ancient Egyptian, a gift from the Moto's when Mokuba had thrown a surprise birthday party for his older brother four years ago. Seto had kept it well and his eyes caressed the keen edges of the blade.

With his right hand, his left still fervently holding the Egyptian relic, Seto pulled up the sleeve of his shirt and trench coat, baring his left arm, criss-crossed with scars and nearly healed cuts running from the base of his hand up a little past his elbow. Deep blue eyes scanned the pearly skin, noticing that he had been too consumed with his depression recently to relieve his stress by cutting himself. His face twisted into a bizarre mixture of smirk and grimace and he shook his head slightly, tears falling from his face unnoticed on to the glass top of his desk. Without really paying attention he switched the knife to his right hand and rubbed it gently across his skin, feeling the fine line of the metal, he almost thought that it was singing to him; singing of release from these feelings that he had worked so hard for fifteen years to hide. Raising the knife he struck down cutting a long fine cut near the base of his elbow. He inhaled sharply at the sting of the wound, but it was a sound of excitement, rather than pain or terror. The blade was true, and he had cut deeper than he meant to, but now his mind was urging him on. If one slice brought this relief how much more the next, and the next?

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that the next cut was short, a little to the left of the first and angled towards it so that the end met the middle of the first. Still, the feeling of euphoria and release coursed through him and he raised his chin and shut his eyes as the blade descended again, this time a more jagged line to the right of the first two and not touching. Distracted still he cut again, the top of this cut touching the top of the one before it.

Seto paused, not conscious of the blood that was welling out of the cuts and flowing over his arm. He jumped slightly as he thought he heard a noise from the room outside of his, but the knife nicked his flesh as he moved and he looked down, forgetting all else to survey his arm. The top half was red with his blood, the pearly flesh beneath hidden. Taken by the beautiful scene the blue eyed youth did not notice the pool of blood growing under his arm, all he knew was that he was feeling distracted from his feelings, he did not even think he was cutting himself too deep.

With a barely audible cry he struck again, four long deep wounds, close together. He rested his head against the back of the chair for a moment, a faint smile playing on his lips, but it wasn't enough. He opened his eyes for the first time to the damage he was doing and he saw the big cruel wounds, and his arm clothed in a thick sleeve of red, the pool of blood now deep on the tabletop and dripping off the side into the carpet at a steady flow. He realized that he had cut himself too much, the wounds would need attention to heal, he should call an ambulance now that he saw the amount of blood he had already lost. But with a strange knowing smile he looked down at the Egyptian knife. 'How fitting,' he thought, his head now light, the room fading in and out of his vision, the edges of the picture a rippling black, 'once again he defeats me at my own game, but I cannot stop here, not yet.'

With a cry of exultation he struck down for the last time, feeling the slide of the blade through muscle and veins, and the release of fear and tears as he slumped forward on the table, his chest sliding on the glass slick with his life blood. He was barely conscious of a banging noise, and a rush of cool air against his face. With a sly grin on his proud face, he faded out of consciousness thinking simply, 'then again, perhaps I have won this time Yami.'

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Alright, I'm sorry to end the first chapter here since it's all short and bad, but I really wanted to post the first chapter soon, so I cut it short and decided to make the next part the second chapter. Besides people would stop reading if they thought that the whole story was as boring as this chapter! I want people to like my work! Remember, please review and be kind to a new writer!

Chapter 2: Too Much Responsibility

Kaiba is rescued before he can take his life, but this brings up even more problems than before.