Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ The Wrongest Non-Yaoi Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Skit ❯ Chapter 1

The Wrongest, Sickest, Non-Yaoi Yugi-oh Unrestricted Echi Fan Skit

By Ainohimeliz

 

Characters:

 

Yugi

Kaiba

Jonouchi

Anzu

Pegasus

Isis

Honda/Mokuba

Shizuka/Toon Magician Girl

Mai/Black Magician Girl

“Horn Dog” Otogi

 

Set: Three chairs and a large table at the center stage. The table must be strong enough to stand more than one person on it. It is covered with a table cloth. The table can be aborted in exchange for a skirted stage. VERY IMPORTANT! No character should be fully exposed in the nude.

 

Lights up: It's the middle of an important duel: Yugi and Kaiba vs. Pegasus. On the stage right side of the table, Yugi and Kaiba are seated. On the stage left side, Pegasus sits. Behind Yugi and Kaiba, are Anzu and Jonouchi cheering Yugi on.

Yugi: The stakes are too high. We have no choice, Kaiba.

 

Kaiba: Indeed. In order to ensure my victory we must use these so-called doujinshi cards.

 

Anzu: Go for it, Yugi! I'm saving my virginity for you! [Yugi blushes.]

 

Pegasus: Oh, you have some of those scandalous fan-made cards. I must change my strategy. I place one card face down and the magic card “Random Fan Service”. [Out of the card rises Isis Ishtar. She does a belly dance for Yugi and Kaiba. As soon as she turns her back to the audience she removes her dress. Kaiba slips a wad of cash in her duel disk. Yugi blushes and gives Isis a rare card.]

 

Anzu: Horny bitch!

 

Jonouchi: [as Isis approaches him] Sorry, my heart belongs to another hot goddess.

 

Isis: You are truly a lucky man!

 

Kaiba: Hmp! This one is way out of your league anyway.

 

Isis: [Using her Millennium Torque.] I see that tonight you will have a date with a buttered bagel. [She leaves. The others break into laughter.]

 

Kaiba: [shaking off the embarrassment] What the hell does that card do?

 

Pegasus: Absolutely nothing, Kaiba boy. Why do you think they call it Random Fan Service?

 

Yugi: Will you play that card again? [Anzu groans in jealousy and walks away.]

 

Pegasus: I summon “Horn Dog” in Attack Mode. [Otogi Ryuuji rises onto the table with his tongue hanging out.]

 

Jonouchi: Look who has to be the dog this time around. Thank you karma!

 

Yugi: [Honda and Shizuka, completely giddy, enter. They look as though they've been having a grand ole time. They sing together.] Hey, here comes Honda and your sister. I wonder what they've been up to.

 

Jonouchi: I don't know about Shizuka, but it looks as though Honda has been up in more ways than one.

 

Honda and Shizuka: Swingin' to the drums/Swingin' to guitar/Swingin' to the bass/In the back of my car. [They arrive at the stage]

 

Jonouchi: In walks her brother/Standin' six foot four/Said you ain't gonna swing/With my sister no more!

 

Honda: Hey man, I love your sister.

 

Shizuka: Brother, you never told me that your friend Honda was so much fun. Oh, a duel. [she climbs the table to get a closer look as she bends over:]

 

Jonouchi: Honda, how come my sister isn't wearing any panties?

 

Honda: Uh…she must have lost them. Guess we'll have to go back and look for them.

 

Shizuka: Oh, yes. We must retrace all of our steps.

 

Honda: Oh, baby, yeah! [Shizuka puts her bandages back over her face. Shizuka giggles with glee. Honda puts Shizuka on his back and runs down the aisle with her. They exeunt.]

 

Jonouchi: You're a dead man, Honda!

 

Yugi: [he grabs Jonouchi and tries to hold him back.] No, you guys are friends!

 

Pegasus: Must I do everything…I play “Random Fan Service” again! [Mai appears and is bound, gagged, and clothes torn all to the song “Sweet Cherry Pie.”]

 

Jonouchi: [When he can't stand it any longer.] The “Flame Swordsman” randomly leaps out brandishing the “Time Hammer”! See you all in 1 to 3 turns. [He dives into a time hole with Mai. They are followed by a tsunami of clothes and love noises.]

 

Kaiba: [pounding the ground with his foot] Keep it down! Don't make me use the hose on you!

 

Pegasus: [coughing out] Jealous man.

 

Yugi: I summon the “Black Magician Girl” in Attack Mode. I place two cards face down and end my turn. [Black Magician Girl rises onto the table.]

 

Kaiba: I also place one card face down and end my turn.

 

Pegasus: I'm so going to Hell after this one. Horn Dog, deflower that girl! [Otogi charges]

 

Yugi: [The two trap cards appear face up now.] First, “Artistic License” shall make the “Black Magician Girl” irresistible to your “Horn Dog.” [Her breasts grow three sizes and tear her clothes.] Next, your “Horn Dog” shall painfully go wanting with “Sweet Depravity.” [An invisible force-field surrounds the Black Magician girl. She dances for Otogi but all he can do is bang on the force field and go insane.]

 

Pegasus: You've forgotten about my face down card, “Neutered.” [Otogi looks at his crotch and notices that something is missing. He gains weight, and looses all of his vigor. He's completely obedient now.] Now my Horn Dog has lost the knack and can attack your Black Magician Girl head on. [Otogi attacks again.]

 

Kaiba: You may have taken away his ability to procreate, but his sense of smell is still in perfect condition. Go trap card: Bitch in Heat! [Otogi stops when he smells the Black Magician Girl. All of the sudden, he gets excited, pants and jumps the Black Magician Girl. But when nothing happens down there, Otogi gets upset and the Black Magician Girl laughs at him. Humiliated, he races back to Pegasus, punches him and disappears.]

 

Pegasus: I play “Random Fan Service” once again. [Anzu reappears on the table. In chains and wearing nothing but a tattered top, she sits Indian Style with nothing but her clenched fists covering her womanhood. Yugi chokes at the sight of her.]

 

Yugi: Anzu! NO!!! [covers her with his jacket and pulls her off the table. Anzu gets hot. Now's her chance to score.] Go put your clothes back on, okay? [Anzu walks away disappointed. She exits.] That was low and disrespectful!

 

Pegasus: Yes, I know. It made me very board. Let's just get on with your impending doom. Go for it, almighty Toon World! [Toon World appears like a pop-up book.] Now I will suck in your precious Black Magician Girl, creating the Toon Magician Girl! What do you think about her now, Kaiba Boy?

 

Kaiba: I don't know. What do you think about her, Mokuba? [Enter Mokuba]

 

Mokuba: [eyeballs the Toon Magician Girl greedily. Pinches her butt and squeezes her breast.] Adequate.

 

Kaiba: Fine then. [Starts to write a check] Have lots of fun with her.

 

TMG: Hey, I'm not a whore!

 

Kaiba: The hell you are!

 

TMG: [Sees the amount on the check] Ah, what the hell?

 

Mokuba: Bye Bro! Thanks for the bi-otch! [Slaps TMG on the fanny. Both exeunt.]

 

Pegasus: Hmm, your brother gets more booty than you!

 

Kaiba: Shut your mouth! [Anzu reenters partially dressed]

 

Pegasus: Don't worry, Kaiba Boy, someday you'll meet a hot goddess, get high on opium and in a pathetic bawl-fest discover that you and she have much in common. You'll be just a desperate man and a beautiful woman both starved for attention and tired from chasing after a bothersome little brother!

 

Kaiba: I'm not some low-life pervert! I'm a world champion! Who should I have to feel inadequate against? [Mai and Jonouchi rise from the hole very drunk with pleasure and disheveled. Jonouchi is wearing a robe. Mai is wearing nothing but Jonouchi's shirt.]

 

Mai: Not even a world champion could duel me like you just did.

 

Jonouchi: Flame Swordsman scores every time, Baby!

 

Pegasus: This is better than sex in the city and I don't mean the TV show! [laughs]

 

Yugi: For the love of God, will you shut-up already! I have the card that can destroy Toon World in one sweep. I play the magic card “Hentai Doujinshi.”

 

Pegasus: [appalled] What in God's name is the Toon Rabbit doing with that Tentacle? [Toon World explodes.]

 

Kaiba: And now, for using us for your puerile enjoyment, I play “Curse of Nads.” [Tentacles rise up from the card and attack Pegasus in the nuts.]

 

Pegasus: [Before he vanishes] Oh, you little bitch!

 

Kaiba: Now let it be known that I have won the duel and I am the superior duelist! [But nobody cares]

 

Mai: Come on Baby, I think you've had a long enough rest.

 

Jonouchi: Better heat up the cream cheese now, Bagel Boy. [Jonouchi and Mai exit together.]

 

Anzu: You two make me sick! [Yugi goes to her and puts his arm around her. Anzu looks at him and motions to him to follow her. He follows her under the table cloth. Only their voices can be heard.]

 

Yugi: So this is what the Shadow Realm looks like. [Anzu laughs.]

 

Anzu: One of your large hair-spikes is poking my thigh.

 

Yugi: That's not my hair spike.

 

Anzu: Oh Baby, it's huge! No wonder you can stand confidently behind nothing but a Kuriboh. And to think Kaiba needs the power of three Blue-Eyes-White-Dragons in order to feel adequate. [Kaiba sits there indignantly. Isis reenters and dances for Kaiba who tries to ignore her. Suddenly, Isis grabs him and bitch-slaps him several times.]

 

Isis: Just get us a hotel room and get those pants off, Dumbass! [Kaiba gives her his evil smirk. He carries Isis out.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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