Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Untitled ❯ Untitled ( Chapter 1 )

Untitled

 

Warnings: Self Injury, Suicidal Ideation, Character Death, Swearing

 

Notes: ~Song Lyrics~

 

Pairings: Seto/Jou, but no yaoi, lemons, or limes in this one.

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!, or the song “Untitled” It's property of Simple Plan and, yes, that is the actual title of the song.

 

Random odd fact: This was done as a birthday fic for Delta VT. Sorry this ended like it did.

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I feel them shove the needle in my arm. The burning sensation cuts through my own wounds, bringing me back from my dark void. I have no idea what happened. The last thing I remember was being in Seto's bathroom after one of our fights. I don't remember what it was about. Hell, I don't remember how I ended up here, wherever that is.

 

~I open my eyes

I try to see, but I'm blinded by the white light.

I can't remember how, I can't remember why

I'm lying here tonight.~

 

My eyes slowly open and are immediately assaulted by a harsh glow. I know I'm on my back, but I can't move my arms or legs. The damn needle is making my arm itch. I wonder what they have dripping in to me. Closing my eyes against the evil light, I try to remember more about how I got here.

 

All that's coming to mind is Seto blowing up at me and locking myself in the bathroom. My eyes fluttered open again. They settled on the wretched needle. I followed the tubing up to a bag filled with a red liquid. “Damn.” I thought to myself. “I really fucked up this time.”

 

I've been dealing with self injury for several years now. Apparently I screwed up big time. “It makes sense.” I reasoned. “If I'm in a hospital, I must have done one hell of a job.” There were way too many memory gaps that needed to be filled in till I was certain, though. One thought dominated my mine. Seto was going to kill me.

 

~And I can't stand the pain

And I can't make it go away.

No, I can't stand the pain.

No I can't.~

 

The needle in my arm is getting annoying. However, each time I try moving, my wrist hurts more. They are burning when I move. I probably lashed out there. I can't lift my arms, but I can imagine the sight they must be. Both wrists feel bandaged, so there must be millions of tiny cuts underneath, maybe a long one here or there added in. Each time I struggle against the restraints, my wrists flare with intense pain. “Stupid doctors. They would put them over fresh wounds.” I mentally admonished. I can't take much more. I want to cut so badly. “Stupid, that's why you're in here. They think you're crazy.”

 

~How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes

I've got nowhere to run.

The night goes on and I'm fading away.

 

I'm sick of this life

I just wanna scream,

How could this happen to me?~

 

The last thing I wanted to do was end the fight. Now it looks like I might have to end my relationship with Seto. “He'll never want to be seen with a gutter rat now. He can't afford to be seen with someone as insane as I am.” I continue my mental berating.

 

I've screwed up plenty of times, but this had to be my worst. There's no way out now. Seto probably knows and will stay away because he's afraid. Afraid I will hurt him. The rest of the gang will probably react the same way. I close my eyes again. I can feel the blood seeping down my arm to my hands. I can't move to clean them off. Slowly I begin to get very sleepy.

 

Fighting the heaviness, I think on my life. It's shit. It's always been shit, and it always will be shit. Granted, Seto improved it immensely, but I can't remove myself from my problems. Seto provides me what my father never could. He's given me shelter, food, and respect. Most of all, he showed me that love didn't have to hurt. Now I ruined all of that. I don't deserve this. I'm just a kid trying to make it in a world that obviously had it out for since the beginning.

 

~Everybody's screaming

I try to make a sound but no one hears me.

I'm slipping of the edge

I'm hanging by a thread.

I wanna start this over again~

 

Visiting hours must have started. I yawn and try to turn over, but the restraints remind me of my current situation. The stupid doctors still haven't removed them. I bite back a string of curses as I hear Yugi's voice down the hall.

 

As the small teen and his dark half enter, they both gave small gasps of surprise. I guess they never expected to see me like this. Tied down like the dog Seto always said I was. Not to mention the bandages were probably soaked with blood. “Hey guys!” I greeted.

 

“Jou, we heard they'd admitted you from Kaiba, but I never though you'd be in this bad of shape.” Yugi stepped forward hesitantly.

 

Yami stood behind his boyfriend. “Jou, they said you did this to yourself…” He trailed as if he couldn't believe I'd do something this crazy.

 

“Yeah. I did. I just can't remember much about it.” I grinned sheepishly.

 

“Jou, why didn't you tell any of us? Especially Seto?” Yugi questions.

 

“I knew you all would treat me as you are now. You guys are acting like I have a disease.” I look anywhere I can, but at my two friends. “I'm not going to hurt you. I only hurt MY body.” I finish in a whisper.

 

Yami spoke quietly. “Look, Jou, neither of us really know what to do right now. We do have a surprise for you.” He left and returned pulling a familiar arm.

 

“Seto!” I cried. “You came!” He also looked as if I was going to attack him.

 

“Jou…I don't know…I can't deal with this…” He looked positively tortured.

 

I started crying. I hate crying. “I'm sorry! I'm nothing but a freak. I know you guys don't want to be seen in my company. I'm a freak, I'm a fucking freak!” The last words, I kept repeating over and over as a mantra. I wanted to rewind everything. I had just lost my three best friends because of my stupidity.

 

Seto spoke again, “Jou, I just don't think we should see each other until you get some help.”

 

A million knives stabbed my heart at that point. He really did want to end our relationship because of me. I couldn't even argue. It was my fault. If I hadn't been such an ass, I'd still have a boyfriend to get out of here and see. I couldn't stand not to have Seto.

 

~So I try to hold on to

A time when nothing mattered.

And I can't explain what happened,

And I can't erase the things that I've done.

No I can't.~

 

Seto left at some hour. I really didn't care. I don't know when Yami and Yugi took off, either. My thoughts now revolved around two memories or desires. The first was the first night that Seto and I made love. That was the only time I felt completely at peace with myself. Sex seemed to give me the same rush as the cutting and it was a hell of a lot safer.

 

The other thought was the desire to cut. I can't make my scars disappear. They're part of me now. I can't tell you why I ever started doing it, but I need to do it now. Damn restraints. I need to end this. I have no one left, no one that cares. The self injury has claimed everyone that I love. Claimed everything except me.

 

~How could this happen to me

I made my mistakes

I've got nowhere to run

 

The night goes on

As I'm fading away.

I'm sick of this life,

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me!~

 

I'm done with this life. There's nothing here anymore. I'm tired of living with what I've done. I'm tired of running. As the night wore on, I knew what I needed to do. I'd lost my friends, my boyfriends, and my family. I had one thing left to lose.

 

~I've made my mistakes

I've got no where to run

The night goes on

As I'm fading away.

 

I'm sick of this life,

I just wanna scream

How could this happen to me?~

 

That night I finally freed one of my wrists. Moving my arm again felt great. I slowly removed the other strap and got the blood flowing in it. I removed the hospital gown they'd provided. Taped to my thigh near my groin was a tiny razorblade. Yeah, it had gotten that bad. I need that blade on me at all times.

 

Removing the protective plastic, I positioned it over my left wrist. “This is for losing Yugi” I drew the blade across my wrist. After a moment, the blood swelled to the surface and began running slowly down the sides of my arm.

 

“This is for losing Yami” I drug it again in a vertical direction, laying more skin open. The blood began flowing freely. I watched it as my vision temporarily blurred. I was beginning to feel the endorphins rush through me. I felt fucking invincible.

 

“This is for my family.” I made three quick slashes near my elbow. All the blood was making a wonderful mess of my arm and bed sheets. I never knew you could lose so much and still continue living.

 

I switched the blade into my left hand. The blood had reached my fingers, making it hard to grip. Cleaning off a spot for my fingers, I got a tight grip and made another cut. This one was the longest I'd ever made. Running from my elbow to my mid forearm. “This is for Seto.”

 

My final cut was right beside the one I'd made for Seto. “This is…mine.” I must have hit a vein with that one. The blood came in quick pulses. I began feeling extremely light-headed as my blood continued to coat the bed in crimson rivers. My last thought was of Seto and his amazing blue eyes. He was lying next to me as we did long ago. He whispered, “I love you.”

 

My eyes closed. With my final breath I responded, “I love you too, Dragon. I'm sorry.”

 

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Dear god. I apologize for this. It was written when I was feeling REALLY triggered. I guess it's better to have Jou bleeding than me. *shrugs* Again, I apologize for this. Despite the negative, dark mood, this was for Delta VT. She like her Jou-pup tortured. I just hope this is enough mental and physical for her.

 

To Delta VT: You read my LJ posting the night I came up with this. I honestly considered some of this stuff. I'm just glad common sense prevailed. I love you always!