Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Urgency of Life ❯ falling 3.0 ( Chapter 3 )

The Urgency of Life

A Seto/Joey fanfic by subaruxkamui4ever

Hmm. It just doesn't feel sad enough. What do you think? Well, it will progress. This whole story is coming out really quickly. Clear Vision takes forever, because it's written differently. It's a lot harder to write because it's a very delicate storyline, and everything needs to be stressed just right, especially the direct interaction between Joey and Seto. This story is just sad. Or it will be, I swear! (Am I obsessing?) Anyway, I hope everyone's having fun watching these two suffer. I am! It's just so romantic, to watch them desperately cling to each other…But poor Joey, I mean, really! In my first fic, he's tortured every night with nightmares about being burned alive with Seto, and in between chapters I have him moonlighting with a terrible physical/emotional addiction. I really do love Joey. You may not see it, but this is how I show love. Pray to whatever god you think will listen that I NEVER fall in love with you!

falling…….. . . . . . . . . .

I choked on his words. They couldn't possibly be what I had just heard. How could he have known? There wasn't anything I did or said that would have given it away that obviously, to the point that he could identify my precise drug of choice. I must have had the most ridiculous look on my face, but still, he didn't laugh at me, although I was still waiting for him to. In just a moment he would tell me all about how stupid I was and how I deserved everything that happened to me. How he hated me and would never care about me, for even a moment. How he wished I was dead. Or worse, how he didn't care if I was or not. Every possibility rang in my ears, each one louder than the last, until they drowned out all hope and reason. "How …long….?" I averted my eyes as far from him as I possibly could. I had to get out of here. I was in serious trouble. If he knew, the others must know as well. What had I done to give it away? Surely not every kid with a nosebleed was immediately labeled as a tweaker, so it had to be something else. I couldn't keep myself under control. I was already extremely strung out as it was, and now Seto wanted to have a heart to heart? With me? He knew that I was Joey Wheeler, right? I refused to believe that this was happening. "Please…let me go…" I whispered quietly, hoping that if he truly was concerned he would see the stress he was placing on me. No such luck.

He had been watching me this entire time, waiting for my reaction. Why was this so interesting to him? Did he think I was just stupid? Was he going to tease me about it in front of everyone? Or was there some ulterior motive behind his actions? There was no way to tell with Seto, if anyone could mask their true intentions, it was him. Still watching me with that empty, expectant gaze, he leaned in towards me slowly, noticing that I would probably run from the moving vehicle if I wasn't calmed soon. He reached out to my face once again, only this time he wasn't trying to prove anything to me. He wiped my upper lip with his finger, finishing the job I had hastily tried to do minutes earlier. When he was done, he sat back again and calmly watched the outside world as it sped by his window. "How long?" he asked again, only this time, it was a completely different question. The first time he had asked, it had seemed like more of a threat or a taunt than a question. This was a softer version, which had all the impressions of a worried inquiry. He seemed to understand that I had felt under pressure when he tried to interrogate the answers out of me, because his gaze was still directed out the window.

I wondered briefly why he needed to know so badly, he was willing to play these human, emotional games to get what he was after. I decided that it couldn't hurt to tell him, he already knew the worst part.

"Almost a year…" His eyes seemed to respond to my answer, they widened ever so slightly, but other than that there was no other proof that he had even heard me. I leaned back into the seat next to him, and I realized that this was the closest I had ever been to him, physically. We were well within a foot of each other, and I burned the moment into my memory permanently, thinking this would be the first and last time. It was enough for me. It was certainly more than I had ever dared to hope. In fact, that pretty much described most of the things that had happened today. I looked back at Seto, who was again studying me, although when my eyes met his, his intensity softened a bit. He must have thought I was still terrified of him. In a way, he was right. What ever could he be after? What could I possibly have that he would act this nicely towards me to acquire? That prospect would terrify anyone, I imagined.

The car rolled to a halt and I realized we were parked on a huge driveway. "We're home. Grab your stuff, mutt", he muttered as he opened the door on his side. I opened my own door and slung my backpack over my shoulder, stepping out of the car. The driver left to park in the actual garage, which left Seto and I standing alone. In front of the biggest house I had ever seen. I couldn't believe it. I had seen it before, of course, but the view from the street, about a quarter of a mile away, and the view from the actual doorstep, made all the difference in the world. My jaw must have been hanging open for more than a moment, because Seto laughed quietly next to me. "I take it you like it, then? Well, that's good, because this is where you stay from now on. So close your mouth." He spoke with his usual rude and commanding tone, but underneath it there was a hint of something that told me he wore a smile. I couldn't see his face, he had already stalked away, but I knew. I didn't need to see it for myself. I followed him as he opened the front door and walked inside, right behind him. I was still a little shy, I had never been here before, but it was so gorgeous! It wasn't overdone, something I had originally thought to be true about his house and what it must look like when I tried to picture it. I had thought it would have been full of thousands of little things that were both extremely priceless and extremely breakable, but looking closely, I saw nothing like that. He had everything that you would need if you lived in a house. Practical things, like furniture, or appliances. Of course, everything was top of the line, and in perfect condition, but I realized that I had severely misjudged quite a few things about his personal life already. And where were all the maids and servants I had endlessly teased him about? Don't tell me they never existed… He kept walking, even though I had paused moments ago to take in the view. When he reached the foot of the staircase, he turned to see where I was. Realizing that I wasn't coming, he shifted his weight to one foot and took on an impatient stance. "Here, mutt. Heel." He snapped his fingers and called across the room, grinning smugly. I couldn't believe this guy. I had serious difficulty believing that this was the same person I saw at school every day. The person that I believed would never be capable of doing, well, what he was doing right now. He was being nice to me, in his own way, which was tremendously out of the ordinary. I reverted back to worrying about what he was truly up to.

Paying no mind to the way he had called to me, I followed him up the staircase and inside the room he led me to. "You'll stay here. This room is adjacent to mine, the bathroom is where they connect. This way, I can keep an eye on you. You can settle in later, now we talk." I didn't bother trying to say anything in response to that. This was his house, so I would be respectful and play by his rules. I was just in a state of pure shock, all out of happiness, of course. When I woke up this morning, I had been content to get excited because Seto may or may not find the time to insult me today. Now I was sharing a bathroom with the guy. And it had been his idea! I thought about how he had known so much about me and my habits. How had he found out? Did he know other things about me as well? Did he know my other secret…? I hoped not. That would make it a lot more difficult to live in the next room over from him, for both he and I. Fortunately, before my mind could formulate any more hypothetical scenarios for me to stress about, he began to speak. "Sit." He said. He sat down on the bed, and waited for me to take my place next to him. I looked at him for a moment, taking in the situation, then I nodded to him and sat down. Not incredibly close, like before, but close enough. I spoke first, before I even knew what I wanted to say. It just came out. "How did you know? Did I do something? Did someone tell you? You have to tell me, do my friends know? D-" Before I could fling another random question through the air he clamped his hand over my mouth. "Shut up. I won't talk to you if you're just going to act ridiculous. Ask one question at a time." I nodded apologetically, I had been too frantic. He released me and continued. "Well, you don't need to worry about anyone else. I'm sure your little friendship club members are far too simple to see when their friends are in real trouble. However, I can't say that I noticed anything unusual about your appearance until today. But I know what I'm looking for at this point. No, you're not glaringly obvious, but there are signs. But signs are meaningless if no one is looking for them." I said nothing, but listened to every word. Just that morning I had been looking in the mirror, noticing the small but telltale signs he spoke of. "Then…how?" I asked him. He looked at me for a moment and then looked over, pensive, as if what he was about to say would make me angry. "I just knew you wouldn't go to the nurse. I went to see what it was that you went to do instead. You were my responsibility until the end of the period. I followed you to a hallway, but then I lost you. I finally caught up with you as you ducked inside that deserted bathroom, but when I called your name, you didn't even answer me. I knew you were in that bathroom, so I was curious as to why you didn't want me to know you were in there. So…I pretended to walk out. But I didn't. I snuck into the stall next to you after you ran outside. When you came back in, I was already in the stall. I stood on the toilet seat and watched you do everything…." He trailed off. I was upset. Not very, but he had no right to watch me do something like that. It was almost like he had actually watched me go to the bathroom, or take a shower. It was extremely personal, what I had done, what he had seen me do. Still, I said nothing. He knew that I was upset, and he understood that I had a right to be. That was enough for me.

"So then what? So you saw everything? What are you trying to say?" I needed to get to the bottom of this. There was a reason why he was saying all of this, and he wasn't telling me what it was. I wasn't mad, but with each passing second I grew more nervous at the unknown prospect and what it could be. "Are you angry with me?" He looked at me with wide eyes and shook his head slowly, back and forth. "No, of course not," he stated simply. "Then what is it? What does my personal life have to do with you? Since when do you care about the decisions I make? Last time I checked, you hated me more than anything else in the world. What's changed?" I was so confused at this point. He stared at the bed, or rather through the bed, his eyes unfocused. "I don't know if…anything's changed. I don't really know why but….I don't really think I ever hated you. You just seemed to want me to…hate you. You really acted like you needed me to…." `He's right', I thought to myself. I did always try to make him hate me. I thought it was the second best thing to making him love me. At least I always made him feel passionately about me. I wondered if I had screwed this whole thing up from the very beginning. Still, I couldn't go back now. "Well…maybe I did act that way. But…I won't anymore. I don't want things to be that way ever again." I thought about what I could say next that wouldn't push this whole conversation over the edge. "I'm a lot different now, from when we first met. I think you are, too." I left it at that. No need to get heavy so early on in the game. I didn't feel all that well. I needed another line or two, it seemed as though it had been forever since those last three lines. And I was getting tired, not to mention irritable. When it begins to leave my system, the withdrawals kick in, and I am never a pleasant person. I thought about Seto and how he would feel if I did the drugs in his house. I was sure the thought had crossed his mind when he decided to take me to his house against my will. I wondered if I should even bring it up. Deciding it would be a bad idea, I decided to wait until he was done talking to me. "So, then," I began, "what do you feel about it?" He hadn't looked at me in the eyes in quite awhile, and when I asked him that, he looked ever farther away, if such a thing were possible.

"I feel…." He stopped speaking for a good minute, lost in thought. "I feel that you are needlessly making yourself more miserable than you already are." He sat up, finally able to act like himself once again. "I don't really know why you've been doing them. And I can't fully explain why I need you to stop. But…I don't want you to die. And you are dying. Very slowly, yes, but killing yourself slowly is a very selfish thing to do. I can see you dying, right here. Every time you use, you die a little bit more. Watching you today made me realize that" He began to act upset, not with anger, but with helplessness, a concept he did not fully understand. This was a situation he had no control over, and he did not know how he could seize that control. Drawing himself up to his full height, he looked around the room with empty eyes, as if searching for something else to take control of in place of me. But he knew as much as I knew that he would never be able to tell me what to do, no matter where I lived, or who I lived with. And it bothered him. Not because he wanted control over me, but because he realized that he couldn't save me from myself. I would have to do that. And I wasn't sure that I really would. Still, I got the feeling that he would try anyway. I've never known Seto Kaiba to not do something that he wanted to do, just because someone told him he couldn't do it.

"Well, you're here now, and you're not leaving, not until you die. Whether you die in sixty years or sixty days really isn't any of my concern. Kill yourself on you own time. I suppose it will all depend on how badly you want to leave this place." With that, he stood off of the bed and turned to face the door, looking at me from the corner of his eye, the way he always used to when he wanted to show me that I wasn't important enough for him to fully face me in a conversation. "I trust you'll be all right on your own for a few minutes? I'm going to the kitchen. I'll be back after I decide what you'll eat for dinner." Without waiting for an answer, he walked out the door, very importantly. For some reason, I felt a lot better after that. He had put on his old "Kaiba" act to make me feel more comfortable, which was probably the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me. I knew the redness was spreading across my cheeks, but I didn't care. I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to scream. Something, anything to express this feeling I had. A feeling that I had given up on, long ago. The feeling of what it would be like if Seto loved me in return.

I thought that now was as good of a chance as any. I stood up off that bed and went into the bathroom. Which was huge, which I don't need to tell you about. I had just wanted to see what it looked like. I wasn't going to check out Seto's room until he showed it to me. I knew that few people, if anyone at all, had ever seen it. If he chose to show me, I'd understand how much it was truly worth, and I couldn't ruin that for either one of us. Walking back into my room (my room still sounded very strange to me), I noticed an actual table and chair set. I went and sat in the chair, pulling my box out from my pocket. I slid the plastic card out from inside the box and set it in front of me. Pulling out the necessary tools, I opened the bag and scraped out some more with the blade. I had only cut it about halfway when the door to my room swung open and Seto walked in. Not seeing me on the bed, he surveyed the room for a moment before spotting me finally, hunched over in a chair, mid-tap. I stared at his face, waiting for his reaction. I hoped fiercely that he wouldn't be upset or hurt. I knew how he felt about it. I just couldn't help myself, and I think he knew that, as well, because after a moment of awkward silence, he blinked and continued saying what he had planned to say before he saw what I was up to. "So, I was thinking that, since I have no idea what you like to eat, maybe you can make your own decisions for awhile. At least until I learn what your favorites are." I felt really awful about it after that. He was awfully accommodating. I hadn't lived in his house for more than half an hour before I started using his property to support illegal activity. And he hadn't even left the room for more than five minutes. He had said what he came to say and was now standing by the door, looking at it with his side to my face. He most likely felt as though he were in the way. I couldn't watch him feel that way. "Seto…don't leave. I…I won't do it right now. OK?" I hoped it would make a difference, to show him that I would put his feelings about my addiction before my own. I didn't want him to think that I didn't see how much it affected him. He made a face, almost like a cringe, but more of a determination to get something over and done with. "No…go ahead. I'd rather you do it with someone watching over you…just in case. I know that particular drug can give you a stroke, if you do too much at once. I'm just going to go back to the bed and sit down. You tell me when you're finished."

Never in my life had I ever felt like such a terrible person. This was the person I had forced into being my enemy unwillingly? It was a good thing I was killing myself, I didn't know how much longer I wanted to stay alive and taint the earth with my infectious existence. Since he seemed to understand that I really needed to get some of the substance in my system, he patiently but quietly waited at the edge of the bed. I didn't want to tell him that it wasn't ready yet, but I also didn't want to make him do more than he had to for me. "Hey, Seto?"

"Yeah"

"Uh, it's not quite done yet." I didn't know just how much he knew about it. Maybe he'd know what that meant.

"What do you mean?" Maybe not.

"Well, I'm gonna have to explain this stuff to you. Promise you won't be upset?" I wanted to make this as easy for him as I possibly could. He turned to me and spoke, "I won't be upset with you. Can I come over to where you are?"

"Yeah." I pushed the chair facing mine away from the table with my leg, gesturing for him to sit there. I would have to teach him the basics. What if I really did need his help one of these times? Suddenly his idea of sticking around began to appeal to me a lot more. I'd never really thought about the dangerous aspects of drug abuse too much, I had always considered it to be dwelling on the obvious. What else were drugs besides dangerous? Still, the more Seto knew, the more I'm sure he would feel as though he had taken some sort of control over an aspect of our situation. Which was exactly the kind of thing that would help him feel better about it. If I had any sort of control at all, I needed to give that up to Seto, it was the least I could do for him. Besides, he was much better with that sort of thing anyway. Almost in a strange way, everything I was lacking in, he excelled at, and the same was true for him with me. I knew his faults, he couldn't ever just let go of a situation, even when to hang on to something would only cause him harm. He retained ownership of the things that were his, and even in death his grip would not loosen, I thought amusedly. I wondered if that was exactly the situation he had created for he and I. I thought back to what he had told me earlier, about how the only way out of his mansion was death. Whatever happened between us from here on out, it was likely to be a long and fruitless road. The paths I followed tended to be so. But if he chose to strap himself to me in the way he was proposing… I wanted nothing more than to make his life easier for him, but he was forcing me into a position where I would end up causing him nothing but grief. I wouldn't ever get off those drugs. That's just what I had come to accept. I never said never, but still, that was a challenge that in no way was I a complete enough person to take on. I was still so hollow in places, and until those places were filled, I would have to keep filling them myself, the way I had been.

He looked at me nervously, and I immediately knew from the look he had given that he had never seen a drug up close before. I guess the rich weren't as privileged as I had assumed. "You've never done any drugs before, have you?" I asked incredulously. He frowned and shook his head. "I think that the social class difference between us is so great, we might as well be from different countries," Seto commented on my remark. "In my neighborhood, when I was growing up, there really weren't any drugs to be had. I mean, I'm sure anyone could get them if they wanted to. Rich people like to get drunk more, though. Oh, and they'll get hooked on prescriptions sometimes, too." I was surprised at this new wealth of knowledge. And here I had always thought that rich people had to be on the real, hard-core drugs. They were the only people who could feasibly afford to be on the drugs…and they never were. Ridiculous.

"So, you don't know anybody who does any illegal drugs? Like, real drugs? Morphine pills don't count…" I grinned at him. This didn't have to be so bad.

"Never. Do you know anybody…else…besides you, who does them?" My eyes grew huge as I looked at him, he was so out of place sitting here beside me. It made him all the more interesting. "Seto, maybe you should instead ask me if I know someone who hasn't done any. It feels strange to say this out loud though. We never go around talking out loud about it. It's just understood." It seemed almost silly when I tried to explain it to someone who grew up in a place where my unspoken universal laws were no longer in effect. I'd never questioned any of it, it all just seemed like good common sense. "I guess that sounds strange you, right?"

Seto laughed. "It is a little strange. But overall I think that yours make a lot more sense than mine. All we really do with drugs is try to impress other rich people with the most expensive or exotic things we can find. At least yours brings all the people closer together. In a weird way….What are you doing with that?"

I had picked up the blade, hoping that Seto was comfortable enough now that I could continue with what I had been doing in the first place. We were having a lot of fun, but it could be even more fun if I could just finish this….

"You want me to explain it to you?" I asked cheerfully. Maybe if I kept a sunny disposition, the mood wouldn't become quite so heavy again. "Yeah, just tell me everything as you're doing it." He was a quick study. I wasn't afraid that he would be tempted to join me, but he did come to know everything he'd need to if he ever decided he'd like to become a huge drug addict. "OK, so when you buy this stuff, you're looking at the color, the smell, and the consistency. You don't get anything that's remotely orange in color, it'll rot your brain right out of your head." Seto looked amused. "Hey, it's not funny. Seriously, one time I had nothing, absolutely nothing, and I was waiting on someone for three days. A friend of mine offered to share for awhile, and I took her up on it. I found out why later. The stuff was seriously orange! And it smelled like old women's perfume.. " At this, Seto began to laugh out loud, as I described to him the faces I had to make in order to choke that stuff down. "And seriously, I sneezed out pieces of my sinuses for weeks. Never again, man, I'm telling you." Seto continued to watch as I finished up the cut job, which was perfect since I'd been able to talk to him while I cut, making the time fly by. "Why do you have to do that for so long?" he asked. I glanced up at him apologetically. "I'm about done, Seto. I'm sorry it takes so long. But honestly, the longer you do it, the easier it is for the person to take. Generally, when you buy it, you want to get it in rocks, you don't want the loose powder. But that means you have to take the time to refine it for your body. If I did a line that was cut badly, it wouldn't dissolve right, and most of it would sit in my head, and that can lead to some problems. It's so much easier for me this way," I tried to explain it to him so he would understand. It seemed that he did, and I began to separate some of it into lines. He watched me carefully, studying everything I did.

"How do you know if you're doing too much?"

That had been a question I was hoping to avoid. I didn't want to answer him truthfully, but if he wanted to know, then I would tell him. "Well, there's no sure way to tell." His eyes widened, so I tried to detail my explanation. "When you first start out, whatever you do is enough to keep you going. After awhile you become familiar with visually gauging about how much you'll need, but it constantly changes, because every time you habitually use, your tolerance goes up a little bit. I take about 12-15 lines a day, if I'm not out to have fun. A normal school day." He watched my hands, but nodded in response to my answer. "So, if you guess too much, you could die?"

"….well, I suppose technically, yes. But you'd have to be really unaware of your own limits in order to do that. I know mine very well, Seto. You don't need to worry." I smiled at him. He gazed at my smile, but didn't return it. He was lost in thought.

"And yet," he mumbled, "I worry so much, it makes me sick."

I didn't know how to respond to that. It's not like he really wanted me to just quit, right? Deciding to remain silent, I finished preparing the lines and took up my straw. "Well", I said to him as he sat back, and looked at me questioningly, "I'm all ready here. Do you still want to be this close while I…"

"Yes." The reply was firm but not dictating. He would stay with me. I rather liked this arrangement. It made me feel as though…someone had finally stood up and taken notice of what I was doing to myself. I knew it, the people around me knew it, but, while they all knew, they chose to see past it. As if it wasn't there. As if my body wasn't being slowly put to death. But Seto, he saw it and he did not see past it. He stared at it and watched it engulf my entire being. And he could not do anything to stop it. But still, he kept his watchful eyes upon it, waiting patiently, for it to slip up, make a mistake, or reveal a flaw. I'm sure that that's what he was waiting for. Why else would he spend all that time learning everything he could. I could tell he was formulating some sort of plan to `rescue me' or however he saw it. I didn't care either way. What mattered most to me was that he accepted me with my flaw. He looked at my addiction as often and as interested as he seemed to be when he looked at me. He took it gratefully, as a part of me that he would have to live with, work with, try to heal, however he saw it. But he saw it. That's what I was happiest about.

He turned his head away, giving me privacy. Before I began, however, I felt a light pressure on my shoulder. I turned to see what it was, and I found Seto's hand on my shoulder. Giving me support, even if I needed privacy, or didn't want or need him there. He was there anyway. The happiness I felt at seeing him like that was almost enough to keep me alive without the drugs. But almost doesn't help me, no matter how happy or satisfied I may feel at one point. Sooner or later, it came for me. That was just the way it was. I had let my soul become at ease with this fate. Only through time would I be able to show that to Seto. I only wished that he could see all the vain futility in it that I saw. Maybe then he would understand how this was meant to be. I was meant to be this way. There wasn't any other way out.

falling…. . . . …………… .

AN: Oh god. A long very chapter, my friends. It took me forever to write this thing. I really, really like it, though. I kept saying to the boys, Seto and Joey, I was like, `hey' and they were like `yo' and I was like `ok, this is the end of the chapter now', and they'd be like, `nope' and then I'd be like, `hey, guys, seriously, stop the chapter, this is over', and they'd be like `no way jose' and then I'd be like `GUYS! Will you stop doing stuff? If you keep doing all this crap, I can't stop typing it. STOP DOING STUFF!' and so I just drugged Joey, that seemed to work. Good-bye, my friends!