Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Urgency of Life ❯ falling 6.0 ( Chapter 6 )

The Urgency of Life

A Seto/Joey fanfic by subaruxkamui4ever

I did not enter into this fic knowing that it would suck my life away….but there we are. I didn't know I was entering a lifelong contract with this crap, I would have gotten some cash out of it, or at least a new special power, all of mine are old news now. Remember when this story came out, when I told you that this story would be so much shorter than my other one? Yeah, wasn't that joke funny? Because I checked my stats, just for kicks, and the word count on this story is DOUBLE the count of the other one, the one that's supposedly "longer". Where did all those words go? I feel like I just got a cell phone bill, and it says I owe serious money, and I've somehow used, like, 10,000,000,000 minutes even though I have no friends and I never call my mother back. So……It's fun to write these guys having such a horrible time. I have been shown the end of the story, and it's awesome. That's all I'm at liberty to say right now. Beware of this and the last few chapters after, until the end of the fic, I issue…

warning in effect until the end of the story________________ This fic will now most likely, but not necessarily contain the following: Continuous and explicitly detailed drug abuse and eventual overdose (more of the same, plus added bonus! Same drug, new problems! The advancement of addiction into life threatening stages, and prolonged habitual use side effects, the scary ones that last for the remainder of your life, when applicable) self mutilation, infliction of mutilation upon others, domestic violence, codependency, sexual content involving boy/boy, angst and drama like you wouldn't believe, character death, (at this point, very probable, especially if you have read any of the chapters in this story at all) suicide, murder, which could be fun, and

an overall sadness that took me forever to get just right. So now, smile and be content with life, for you are not in my story, and therefore have nothing to be sad about. Ever. Again.

falling . I .. . know . .. you can't helpme

I was painfully aware of the fact that I was nearly awake, the feel of my body and its physical trappings was already stirring a sickness inside me. I knew that my eyes would open soon, and the darkness that shielded my soul from reality would be penetrated by the harsh light of day. I didn't allow anything in just yet, I needed to drift here for a moment, collecting thoughts and memories from the previous night. I was still for a few minutes, trying to recall every moment, and failing miserably. I remembered….a come down. Yes, my body had rebelled and tried to cleanse itself yesterday, I hadn't quite kept to my schedule. It had been so long since I'd gone long enough without feeding more into my body, I had nearly forgotten the reason I kept that time frame rule in the first place. Well, I was certain that I would never need to know again. I thought carefully, and tried to recall something, anything that had happened the previous evening. Then again, maybe it was best if I let it alone, and be thankful that my mind still cared for me enough to steal my memories, in self-defense. Whatever it was that had happened, it left behind the shadow of a feeling, a mood that I couldn't quite shake. It was a faraway sense of hopelessness, a shadowy sort of emptiness that had somehow buried itself within the realm of my own emotions. An intruder, a virus. It had infected my thoughts last night, I could tell, playing with my misery and forcing up old feelings that I had been crushing down for a reason. And now, I had to remember what I might have had done when faced with those feelings…

I brought my left hand up slowly to my forehead, which pulsated with a strange pressure that was building in my sinuses, centered just above my eyebrows. I had intended to try to massage the muscles just below the surface, but less than a second after my palm reached it's destination it suddenly threw itself away again reflexively. In the next moment, I felt the pain shooting through my hand that my body had sensed, and my eyes were open immediately as the shock of it woke me immediately. I was sitting up before I could even process the information, and I heard a cry mixed with both surprise and pain, which must have been my own. I was hurt, but why didn't I know? Seto, where was Seto, was he in pain as well? Had I done something to him, hurt him in any way? Before the seeds of panic could take root any further in my mind, I caught a flash of something familiar out of the corner of my eye, and was able to catch a glance at the familiar face. I had woken Seto up, who had been asleep directly beneath me, and had felt the full force of my abrupt awakening. Having been woken by my cry of pain, he had responded immediately, instinctively reaching out with both hands and catching me by the shoulders, pulling me back to the bed. In a rush of motion, I suddenly found myself looking at the ceiling, just past Seto's head, which was directly above mine. His eyes were as wide as mine as he found himself on top of me, both of us silently taking in the situation now that it was over. I looked at him with a question in my face, silently asking him to show me that he was all right. I had to know that before anything else could happen. He saw the distinct expression I held and recognized that I was worried about him. He shook his head, negating my suspicions, but he kept his solemn expression, a telltale sign that there was more to the story. I smiled at him anyway, whatever else there was I could deal with.

He did smile back, although behind the expression there was hint of what lay inside him at that moment. It was just a flash, barely there, but it burned so fiercely within him that he couldn't possibly contain it all, and I saw an escaped moment of how he felt inside. Something very bad had happened to me, at least through his eyes, and he was absolutely terrified. Something he had seen or heard the previous night had shaken him so badly, it resonated throughout his soul, echoing into me due to the fact that his soul was just a reflection of my own, and I could feel the aftershocks of the events that he had witnessed. It was awful, the feelings he carried inside of him because of me, and I could not break our gaze, even though I felt he wanted me to. I didn't know what to do next, I felt that I had to do something for him, to make him forget, to keep him from hurting because of me. I refused to become a source of any more suffering for him, and I acted on my determination. He was still looking down on me from above, and I reached up to him and gripped him just below his shoulders with my hands, searching his demeanor for an emotion or reaction to betray itself. Seconds passed, and he revealed nothing of his fear or pain, but the particular way he always looked at me had not changed, even at that uncomfortable moment. Seeing this, I relaxed immediately. I knew that he still fully retained his unwavering feelings for me, he was just scared, worried that I would be taken away from him before he could try anything to stop it. He had always been worried, constantly so, but I had never displayed any actual visible damage, or shown any signs that the drug was taking it's toll on my body. I outwardly seemed to be in complete control of the substance, when deep down he knew that the opposite was the truth. But last night he had most likely seen his deepest and worst fears come to life, unexpected and without any warning at all. I wanted to talk to him about what he saw, maybe it would help me remember more of the evening. My hands, still holding him near his shoulders, loosened their grip and slid over his shoulders and onto his back, and with the leverage I pulled myself up off the pillows and leaned into his chest, silently begging him to hide me from the morning. He immediately responded to my advance, leaning back slightly to accommodate, pulling me closer and holding on with a forceful grip. The embrace itself was in no way painful or threatening to me, but it radiated possession and dominance in waves, as if sending out a warning to anything that would consider the notion of causing me harm. He wanted to regain some sort of control over this situation, and he would find a way to take it, whether it was in my possession or not. He would advance the moment an opportunity arose, as soon as the position showed itself, there wouldn't be anything I could do except play along. I wasn't afraid of him, of course, but he would begin to close in soon, to take what he needed from me, and I would have to let it go, if I wanted to or not. Truthfully, it was never the control I wanted from him, it was his insatiable and nearly violent desire to steal it away from me that I craved, deep down,

in a place that I was barely aware of inside me.

He was silent and motionless, and defiantly unyielding when I tried to slowly back out of the embrace, thinking that perhaps he was finished and was waiting for me to let go. I found myself to be locked in place, guarded from exit by the unstoppable grip he had circled around my slowly deteriorating waistline, an extra point to his already unfair advantage. Grinning at his stubborn attitude, I was secretly glad that he wasn't willing to let me go. Feeling an unquestionable trust in him, I melted myself further into the body beneath my own, completely relaxing every muscle in my body, until I could no longer feel where he ended and I began. I hadn't ever done anything like that before, but with him, it was a moment that I realized I had been searching for, not even fully aware of it.

I was so tired still, and we had been still like that for a good while, neither one of us wanting to break the contact. It seemed as though every moment brought us closer to one another, until we had come as far as this and still we pressed on, needing to know how much farther all of this went, if it even had an end at all. Perhaps it took forever. But I didn't have forever. I didn't know if I had any time left at all. I heard the last of the thoughts as it came, and the weight of the sadness it held bore down on my heart, to think that all we had between us, soon it would be as though it never happened. Would he be sad if I were to die today? Would I be sad? I thought for a long moment about the answer. Yes. I had to tell the truth, if only to myself. I didn't want to die. Whatever had happened last night had broken some shield in my mind that had earlier prevented even the thought from forming. But now it had taken root in my mind and I was torn in two. I was feeling very strange, both physically and emotionally. I wasn't sure what to make out of either one, honestly, both reactions were alien to me. Physically, I felt as though I were drifting in and out of consciousness, even though I had slept for hours and hours, the best sleep I'd had in months. My mind, however, was a mine of unexplored potential that had been discovered on pure chance, and held within it infinite possibilities. Without any drugs in my system, my thinking was more controlled, my feelings were accurate and more easily expressed, and the difference in my attitude and reactions to things was obvious, and would be especially clear to Seto. I doubted that I would have laid there in his arms as long as I had, content to be silent and let his presence surround me, seeking out my own and claiming it wholly. Without the assistance of a chemical to keep my emotions at bay, they seized control and filled me with a new form of energy, one I couldn't identify, but knew was born from my own mind and not from an expensive powder. Instead of a nonsensical and stolen burst of manufactured feeling that left me feeling drained and abused, now I held within me a burning excitement at the raw potential that sparked between us, almost manifesting itself in the air we shared. Still, my body was, while still functioning, worn out in many places and injured, in ways I knew I had yet to discover. But first and foremost, I would learn what I had done that Seto had seen, and what I could do for him to show him I was sorry.

I lifted my head reluctantly and rested my chin on his shoulder, leaning my cheek against his. Inching my mouth forward until it was very nearly touching his ear, I felt an invisible reaction from Seto, a rush of surprise and something I couldn't identify coursed through him in an instant as he felt my lips skim dangerously close to his skin. At the impending physical contact, I felt a sudden and almost identical response within me as well, like an electrical current had surged through me without warning, passed along from his body to mine. "I'm completely sober," I whispered, and smiled into his ear, opting to be amused at the pathetic nature of my life. It was rather amazing, after nearly a solid year of habitually using, I'd spent at least the last half of the total time in a constant affected state. I hadn't felt this close to reality in what seemed like forever, and I certainly couldn't recall the most recent example. I felt good, I felt like myself when I hadn't for so long, but I knew that soon, any moment now, I would find a reason to go back. I would always go back. Each time I came out of the haze, I realized how much I was missing, and how much I wanted to stay. And each time, I always went back. I was too dependent on it, I needed it to function properly. I had spent too much time facing my life from behind the influence of the drug, using it as a shield, and I had so extensively overused it that I was incapable of dealing with the severity of reality on my own any longer. And it never took long for me to remember that…

He was quiet, considering his options before reacting. I didn't want to raise his hopes up only to cast them back down again later on, most likely within the hour, so I spoke again quickly. "I'm not sure how I got this way, but I don't think it will be this pleasant for very long. I…don't want to get up just yet, though. I like this place…being here…." Tripping over what I wanted to say, I somehow managed to get that much out, and quit while I was ahead. I felt somewhat silly, but I forgot it completely in next few moments. He finally loosened his grip on me, and I leaned back slightly, and looked at his face. As his vision fell on me, his previous solemn gaze drained out of his features, and was replaced with a terrible look of regretful remembrance. I followed his wide eyes, which had fixated on my cheek, and I got the distinct feeling that the pictures and images in the back of my mind would come together soon, and I already got a flash of what his gaze was caught on. I remembered now, vaguely, being angry with … myself. And I ….Oh no. I lifted my hand to my face, only to repeat the actions that had me awake in the first place. I yelped out loud, and felt a both a sharp pain and an echoing response, in both my cheek and my hand. Seto stiffened immediately and tried to stop me from getting out of the bed and exploring my injuries, to no avail. I rolled off of our bed and ran right out the door, into the bathroom, and paled at the scene I had left behind the previous night. "Oh, no, ……oh no……no…" I stuttered, not even aware that I spoke. There was blood in various places, not a lot, but there it was, and I knew that it was mine. Walking closer to the dried remains, my reflection on the wall caught my eye and I saw the damage there. A long red line, thin as a blade trailed down my cheek, nearly four or five inches long. I had done it on purpose. Why had I been so angry, angry enough to hurt myself even more that I already did? The only thing I really tried to protect at all costs was Seto….

It began to piece together very slowly, but there wasn't much left to discover. I shuffled unhappily back to the room, and on the way my foot hit something that had been on the floor, sending it sliding across the bathroom tile. I picked it up and brought it back with me, hiding it carefully in my hand. I didn't want him to see what I had used to cause myself harm. I found Seto already out of bed and standing by the bathroom door, patiently waiting to see what I would do now. It was good of him to offer me privacy, but I had come back because I needed him near me. I had hurt myself for being so cruel to Seto. For treating him so badly, while he treated me so well, better than I would ever deserve. I wished that I understood him better, I knew him in a deeper sense than I knew myself, and yet his commitment to me was a complete mystery. I approached him slowly, and stopped within a foot or two of him, eyeing him miserably, almost too afraid to ask. But I had to say something, and I wanted to finish it now, to have it done with and behind us. "Seto…I don't remember a lot of what happened last night, but I remember some things, enough to know that I really hurt you, and myself….Seto, I'm so sorry…." He had averted his eyes when he picked up on the topic I was headed for, and he was still faced away from me after I became silent once more. Maybe he just didn't want to hear it. Maybe he was upset with me, for scaring him, for hurting myself. I would tell him why I had done it, and I'm not sure why I was determined to do this, but something within me knew that he deserved to know why, now that I knew. It was scary, but it was also reassuring, in a way. Perhaps he would see how much I valued his existence over mine, how deeply my dependence on him ran.

Stepping sideways, I intercepted his line of vision and put my empty hand on his chin, turning his face slightly so he could see into my eyes. "Seto. I remember doing this one, somewhat," I took one of his hands and brought it to the injury that I made just for him, pressing his fingers to it and showing him how own it completely. He was confused, my actions were cryptic when left unexplained, I realized, and spoke again, leaning into the feel of his hand on the mark. His touch made it burn, and I felt that perhaps it knew that it belonged to him. "I hadn't planned on letting it leave my system like that, it was an accident. I was so sick with it, I could barely think or move. And I got really sad, when I….thought about you, and how badly I treat you…." He was looking at the exact same spot as earlier, far away from me, but it didn't matter, he was listening. The hand on my face had stiffened at first, not quite knowing what was happening, but now it had softened into me, no longer pressing itself awkwardly into my face. The fingers curved slightly to fit the frame of my cheek, and he held it there lightly, giving me support so I could say the words I meant to say. "I'm not worth the time or the effort you spend trying to save me, Seto. I wish that I could tell you that I wanted you to leave me to die. I wish that it were true. And I wish that….I hadn't had a reason to do this to myself, so I could tell you that it meant nothing. I wish so many things for you, but I can never make them come true." How could I say this without it sounding like he was responsible? I couldn't let him blame himself for this, but I had to say the complete truth. I tried the best that I could, and trusted that he wouldn't judge me for it.

"I've always wanted to have something that you needed, just so I could give it to you, and have made you happy. Just once I'd like to be responsible for something besides your grief and worry. I was upset last night and I had been thinking about trying to do something for you, to show you how much you meant to me. And that I notice just how sad I make you all the time. I am so weak…" I went on a bit, not knowing half of what I said until the words already hung in the air between us, learning some of it for the first time myself. "I can't…give you what you want. What we want. I want to be free of this, Seto, so much…I don't know if you see it, but I'm so sick of being weak. I want to be strong, like I was before. I remember when I could go through an entire day without needing to do this to myself. I could face anything, on my own, it can't have been so long ago. But I can't do that anymore… Without the drug, I have nothing to hide under, and I couldn't possibly survive. I'm broken, in a way. I can't fill in this emptiness inside me with anything else. I'm not sure what was meant to fit there, but it doesn't work like it should anymore. So I'm doing the best I can, for us. For you. I would do anything at all, even if it killed me, in an instant, the moment you asked me to. Do you know? I try so hard to make you see, but what can I give to you when I have nothing at all? And what could you possibly need from someone as sick as I am? I…I…." It was upon me, the truth was here and about to take form, the moment I gave it a name it would be a real entity, and it would be plain for Seto to see as well. Every repressed feeling and every moment of sadness that I possessed inside me came up from the shadows they had been hiding in, adding new weight to my soul that was very nearly beyond capacity. Tears had begun to fall from my eyes and showed to signs of stopping, my voice began to crack under the pressure, but I was so close now. Seto, at hearing my sudden and unexpected confession, had turned back to face me long ago, and was still holding my face, feeling the mark that was his, slowly coming to understand what I was trying to say.

"I wanted you to see what a horrible person I am for letting this happen. For allowing this…feeling I have for you control me. I should have never let you into my life, but I did, because you were all that I had ever wanted. And you still are…but just because I want something doesn't mean I should get it. Especially me, of all people. Seto, I have nothing to offer you but a promise that I will be gone, very soon. So you can finally be free of me. My constant desire for this drug has already killed much of me, the rest will follow shortly. But I knew it would make you so sad, and I can't let you be sad because of me. And last night, I was so messed up, I couldn't think straight, but somehow I managed to come up with an idea to chase you away, before I died, so that when I did die it wouldn't hurt you. It was a stupid idea, and I'm sorry for it because it hurt you, but I was….going to make myself into someone you wouldn't like. I was, at the time, hoping to make you hate me. And also, to make you see me for what I really am. I did this," I pressed my hand upon his to signify the cut he still fingered, "because I wanted to make myself look how I saw myself to be. To bring out my true face, so you could see how irreparably damaged and worthless I am. And how useless I must be to you…." The flow of emotions stopped, running dry at last, and I was suddenly silent, strangely at a loss for words. I had nothing more to say, he knew it all, everything I had ever wanted him to know. I was motionless, I lost the ability to move or speak as I looked at him, watching, waiting, praying that he understood. He held nothing in his eyes, which were lost in thought, empty for the first time in many months. He was motionless as well, frozen in place, his face directed towards mine, one arm outstretched to meet the abused flesh that he now understood to be his mark, a symbol of his territory, voluntarily inflicted by me. The seconds became minutes, and still we remained the same. My fears, by that point, had run rampant in my head, and I was convinced that I had somehow completed the task I had mistakenly set out to do before, and now he really would hate me. How wrong I had been before, I truly had never wanted this. I only wanted him to see that I wanted, more than anything, to belong to him completely, if only for the short time I had left. A very selfish thing to want, but I wanted it nonetheless. I refrained from speaking, afraid that I would interrupt his thoughts or possibly anger him further. My tears came still, but the flow had lessened as I awaited his reaction, and the hand he held to my face was wet with my apology.

Then, all in one moment, his hand disappeared from my face, and he drew himself to his full stature, the way he used to, so long ago. I feared the worst at that point, but I kept silent. No matter what he had to tell me, I wanted to hear every word. His line of sight fell on my face, and his eyes were sharp, cutting me almost as deep as his words did.

"Since when did I allow you to decide what I want and what I don't? Do you think you actually understand me, could ever understand what I am, in any way?" My fears had turned for the worst, and his voice, which had begun very quietly, had slowly escalated with each word. Now he spoke in a commanding tone, but I knew that in moments it would be louder, and angrier. "Well, it's very nice of you to let me know what I think of you, but I'm afraid that I'll be calling those shots, not you. I can't believe you sometimes, how do you manage to misunderstand everything, all at once?" He finally broke his cool demeanor and let himself go, he was angrier that I had originally thought he would be, and I honestly couldn't blame him. He was right, who was I to say what he wanted or needed? I had only wanted to help him, but I had, once again, only managed to create more for him to worry about. How did I manage that? Even I wanted to know. I opened my mouth to apologize, to calm him somehow, but as soon as I was found out, he raised his hand to my face, calling for silence. I gave it to him, not knowing what else could I do. I would give him whatever he asked of me, it was rare indeed that I had something for him to request. In the silence I offered up, he was silent as well. He drew a long, slow breath, and held it for a few moments before finally releasing it, and with the expelled air I also felt part of his anger follow, and he regained his composure before continuing.

"I am angry, yes, but not for the reason you may think. I am not angry with you for inflicting injury to yourself, only concerned for your safety, and unhappy because you aren't able to be happy. I am angry with you because you assumed that you knew all these things about me and how I felt, and you never asked me if they were true or not. You never said anything to me at all. Did you ever consider asking me to talk about it? If you had come to me and told me how upset this made you, I would have been able to help you. But you, you just….have to make everything worse than it already is! And you couldn't be more wrong about how I feel. Why would you think that you're useless to me? What `use' am I supposed to get from you? Would you rather I see you for how useful you are to me? I would feel terrible if I did, objectifying you like that. Is that how you see me? Am I useful to have around?" Crying uncontrollably, I shook my head frantically, wanting to please him, but knowing it was a lost cause for the time being. I had never wanted any of this.

"Why do you say you treat me so badly, and I treat you so well? Because I have never seen that to be true, if fact, ever since I moved you out here I've felt that the opposite was the real truth. What it is that makes me so wonderful? Is it the things I could potentially buy for you? Or perhaps it's all the money I have ready at your disposal. If you think of it, tell me what it is that I've done for you, besides offer you money that you refuse to touch! I can't even get you to accept the only thing I have to give you! And still, you look at me in that way. Without a second of hesitation, you accept everything I subject you to, regardless of how it must make you feel inside, and you do it willingly, and I…I can't make this end. I've tried, but I always give in to it…." He was as silent as I was, we both knew what he had begun to refer to, he hadn't meant to bring it up. I would never hold it against him, or even speak of it, knowing that I would only cause more damage to him than he had already undergone. Some things about us were….different than they had been a few months ago. Living with Seto had showed me everything about him, both good and bad, and I found that he was not the person I thought I knew. He was more, and now that I saw the whole picture I found that this Seto was much more accessible, more human. And I had come to find that, like me, he suffered from an emptiness that he couldn't fill on his own, although unlike me, it took much more than any drug could offer for him to fill it. I let him say what he needed, and I looked at him without judgment. He continued, slightly regretful in his delivery. He lost all of the anger his voice had held, and the next words he spoke resonated with all the emptiness he held in his heart, in his mind.

"You still see me the way you always did, even though you now know that the person you saw in me never existed. Even now, while I yell at you until you're in tears, you can look at me with that expression, the one you give to no one else. Well, now you know what it is that you have to give me, the reason that I can't let you go, no matter how hard it is for me to watch you kill yourself. It's that look. I'm almost sure that you don't even know that you do it, but it drives me crazy. Your feelings are written all over your face, and whatever you've been thinking about is reflected in your eyes. I can see everything about you, and what you love the most, what occupies your every waking moment. I've looked into your eyes as often as I could ever since the very first time we met, unable to believe in what, I swear, I saw inside you, the moment I looked. I didn't believe it at first, but now, I'm not sure what to believe in. So maybe you can help me after all. I have to ask you something, but…I've been afraid, am afraid. But this has to end, now." He looked at me expectantly, not wanting to rush me, but needing to resolve once and for all whatever it was that he was desperate to know, and he seemed like he was dangerously close to the edge of something. "I've held back because I think I may have already caused you to hate me, and if I make things worse between us, you'll leave. Which I think you should, but still I won't allow you to. I refuse to let it end this way, without you ever knowing the full truth, and without asking you for the answer I want. If you knew the answer, would you tell me the truth? And even if you don't, will you promise to not run away?" He cut himself off, but his face still pleaded with mine to allow him to take this last liberty with me, while I was still in my right mind. Before I destroyed myself completely.

I was unsure of how to respond without upsetting him more, so I nodded my head and smiled, which I'm sure looked incredibly pathetic since my eyes were still running over with tears. "Anything you need that I can give to you, please, ask me for it."

He took this into his gaze and closed his eyes, refusing to say another word until he had it worked out perfectly. It didn't seem as though he had allowed himself to believe that this chance would ever come, and he was lost in the shock of the opportunity. Moments later, his eyes opened and went for mine immediately, nearly pulling me out of myself with the incredible magnetism that only his gaze had over me. Then, without any warning, he strode forward, moving with small but quick steps in my direction, and it seemed that he intended to walk right through me. I instinctively took a small step back, unsure of what to expect. Continuing just as he had been, he was unfazed by my uncertainty and remained in patient pursuit, until I felt the wall pressed into my back, signaling that I had reached the end of my rope. He had seen this outcome in advance and was already using the situation to further his goal, which I was still unsure as to what it could be. What knowledge did I possess that he couldn't just take from some other source? Before I could question his motivations any further, he finished what he had started when he had backed me to the wall, and with a quick thrust and a perfectly timed side-step I found myself tossed sideways into the corner, mere inches from the place I had been seconds before.

The entire act had been executed in a style that had tipped me off, I knew it was one of

Seto's games, the ones he would never play with anyone else but me, and I had helped him by finishing my role, submitting to his will. No one else knew him enough to even know this part of him existed, the place he couldn't fill. A place that I could, and did, whenever possible. It was random and fleeting, the urge would come over him and he would shift suddenly and without warning into another mindset, a manifestation of his ideal personality. The person he should be, he could have been, if he hadn't lost the piece of himself he had always relied upon the most. In the darkest night of his soul, the day that he lost the shadows that lived inside of him, in the illusion of avarice. He was robbed in the name of goodness and light, losing forever that piece of hate that had kept him alive and sane while the rest of his world was diseased and insane. Ever since the first day that began a long life full of sorrow, they were inside him, whispering in his mind, telling him to take control. He hadn't been affected when he should have been, escaping his fated sorrows, too composed and in control to cry.

And then in the moment the company lost its direction, he triumphed, finally rising above the ashes in what should have been his most terrified hour, when he saw the demise of the one who stood in his way. And through all of it, never falling into despair, never breaking under pressure, the shadow in his heart gave him the power he needed, the control he loved, and the dominance he desired to overcome all. And then, his heart puzzle has been broken apart, and the darkness that he owed his success, his passion, and undoubtedly his life to, were torn from him suddenly and without warning and sent to the realm of shadows, where they had come from. And he lost the will to live, not understanding how this existence was in any way better, or easier, or anything besides empty. He had lost the control and the confidence in his power that he had been dependent on to carry him through life, and now he was lost, and he could command nothing and no one, and felt the holes in himself constantly.

Until one day when he came to me, not knowing that it would happen, but finding that I was willing to be his outlet for just a moment of release. I was the only person who knew of his missing pieces, and we were very closer than we had ever thought we would be. This was almost one month after we moved into the same house, less than a week after he asked me to sleep in his bed and share his space. I said that I would, wanting to be near him at all times, but I didn't understand yet that he had a problem. I had just though that he was acting differently around me because we had spent so much time together, while he continued to treat everyone else as he always had. But because I had moved into his house, he was afraid I would notice the dramatic switch that I would inevitably be exposed to, that wasn't triggered by anything, and came and went as it pleased. He wouldn't be able to explain, and he wouldn't be able to protect me, and he decided that if we would share a room and a bed, then I deserved a warning, at least. He knew that he wouldn't hurt me, at least not intentionally, but I would be scared of course, and think that I had done something to make him suddenly act this way, without reason or warning. And if I tried to run away, it would only drive the desire deeper, and he would be relentless. At first, I thought he wasn't as serious as he came across, and I wondered if it could actually be as real as he made it sound. The concept was strange but I hadn't given it too much thought, I was more interested in the fact that Seto had been able to tell me a thing like that. But the first time I was there with him as it came over his mind, I was so grateful that he had explained to me what was happening, because even though he had I was still terrified at the onslaught of intensity and the swiftness with which it descended upon us. The entire ordeal was actually not longer than a minute or two, but it made up for its briefness with an overwhelming severity and unpredictable nature. There was simply no way to know what would be said or done, but over time I learned how to respond in the way he was searching for and they began to happen less often. My only concern about it was the effect it had on him when he found himself again, waking as if from a dream to find me patiently playing his game, never questioning him or blaming him for anything. I knew how it hurt him, but I was happy, I had something that he needed and I could finally show him that I was more than willing to give it to him.

Such was the situation I found myself in at that moment, when I realized that this was no longer Seto that I lived with, but I was confident in my skills and knew how to win. With my body now trapped between Seto's and the corner of our room, there was nothing but a full advantage for him and he took it, swiftly taking hold of both of my hands, and before I could blink they were already locked above my head. After testing my strength against the firm grip, I realized the futility in it. His hold was immovable, and he held both of my hands in place casually by one of his own clasped around my wrists, a blatant display of the power he held over me, wanting for me to see it, and needing to see it for himself. His other hand I became aware of in the next moment as I felt something trailing up my neck, lightly dragging across the skin and heading towards my cheek, the same one that held the mark I had made for him. His hand was nearly there, and his whole body, I felt at last, was frozen, like he was, and then the stinging fingerprints were gone for good, as the skin they had brushed over became raised with goosebumps. The flesh he had traversed in pursuit of my face was burning in response to his touch now long gone, the path he took to cross my body now a frozen trail, visible across my neck and face, reflecting the cold moments he had spent there. I was nearly trembling in anticipation and a shade of something close to nervousness over the measures he was taking, which were questionable in purpose and seemed extravagant. This didn't resemble anything I had ever done before, with Seto or the other one, but I didn't voice my thoughts just yet, not wanting to do anything unless I had to.

Now his hand had reached it's destination, and he ran his index finger up the line of torn flesh, slowly, and seemingly deep in thought. His eyes were staring directly at the wound with a look that was lost to his surroundings, glazed and unfocused. I realized, when taking in the rest of the situation, that not only did he have my arms in check, but my entire body had followed in suit and my inability to move had spread to every inch of my form, without me knowing. I experimentally pushed upwardly with my hips using the leverage of my arms, trying to meet with the force that held me down, but none of my body was able to respond. Somehow it was held down, immovable inch for my inch, more than overmatched in both will and power. Feeling a set of eyes on mine, I glanced up and noticed the smirk that wound itself around his lips. I realized that it was all Seto, his body was the invisible barrier that held my form in place. He couldn't help but enjoy watching my futile movements, as I shifted against him in my efforts to discover anything that would tip me off to his purpose. Finding every inch of my body incapable of movement, I reluctantly released my stiffened form against his in silently defeat, halfway hoping that this was what he wanted. I was confused, and I decided to wait for him to strike, knowing that I could draw him out with little persuasion on my part.

Invoking a demon born from the heart of Seto Kaiba did not seem like a smart plan at any point, but I wanted this done with as soon as possible, and I was willing to try anything for the person who was lost underneath. Thinking quickly, I realized my best advantage was the position he held me in, making him more accessible than usual. He almost never became as physical as he was here, which had sown the seeds of suspicion in my mind, knowing that he and Seto shared the same intentions and emotions, the only way to set them apart was their method of execution. This was why I hadn't been aware of the separation, until he revealed it to me himself. I felt him react slightly to my release of resistance, but he still waited, watching me, waiting for me, wanting me to…..do something, but what? I thought he would move in on my moment of weakness, but he hadn't, waiting for something else instead. Perhaps it wasn't the chance he was after, but the pursuit of it, the chase. It was worth a shot, as anything was at this point. He was motionless, and he watched me as I once more tried put up a fight, amused slightly but the look he had to him was one that knew, knew more than I thought, knew infinitely more than I had judged. Knew what I was up to, and knew what he would do in return. I froze in mid-struggle, I had a terrible feeling about this. I felt the pressure between us increase slightly, and I mentally stuttered, as he closed the distance between his body and mine, a distance that hadn't really been there. His entire form was against mine in such a way that we were nearly mirrored perfectly, my body a reflection of his, and every part of me involved in our contact was inevitably pressed to the place on his body that matched mine. I felt that there wasn't much of either one of us that wasn't involved in the contact, and I fell into the truth of the moment with that thought.

My mind blanked in a state of shock, I had no defense against this. I would inevitably be found out, and fast. For all the struggle and resistance I could put up, and all the confusion and disgust I could force out, but there was no escaping the traitorous espionage that my body threatened to uncover. The aggressive and threatening advance, while almost nonexistent when considering that he hadn't actually done anything, still affected me to a surprising extent. How had he known what would do this to me, just the promise of an advance from him with that terrifying and consuming stare, the promise of my inevitable and violently stolen surrender. I wondered if I had displayed more than I meant to, this other self of Seto so intensely effective in bringing out a darker side of myself that was so compatible with his own. But none of it mattered, at least at that moment, and I realized with a growing terror that I would lose this game if it went even a moment further, and the fear was so evident in my eyes that he stopped and stared. A movement, behind the iris and then gone, taking with it the moment and reaction, the cause and effect, and I was instead suddenly ripped from my corner by a hand entangled in my hair, and dragged across the room in that manner, screaming and clawing at the source. Without any notice, the hand released it's grip, dropping me suddenly and I fell to the ground, my head making a terrible sound on the floor below that I heard before I felt. I had fallen with my face to the sky, and as I opened my eyes I saw him, nearly two of him as my vision went fuzzy momentarily with the force of impact. He stood directly above my face and he looked down upon it, meeting my mixed gaze with his own, a horrible look that held the promise of an advance from him with that terrifying and consuming stare, the promise of my inevitable and violently stolen surrender. My desire was realized and I found that I responded, had already responded, and I was now torn between uncontrollable desire and absolute terror.

I was never given the choice, however, and he refused to give me what he knew I wanted. Instead, he opted to find some other method that would drive me to insanity, and biding his time, he lifted his leg closest to me and thrust the heel of his boot to my exposed neck, threatening the passage of air. "I can see your desire, it is written all over you face, just as obvious as your love. However, I don't think I will give you what you want just yet. I would much rather watch you suffer at the hand of the one you love the most." He used the leverage my neck gave him and pushed off with his heel, bruising me before releasing me. In a motion I didn't see before me, I was lifted completely from the ground with both of his hands in a grip on my shirt, and roughly dropped to my feet standing, only to be pulled along from behind him to a destination that confused me fully. Why would he take me in the bathroom? It wasn't far to go, and upon arrival he released me and shut the door behind us with his hands behind his back, pushing it till he heard the click, all the while watching me, smiling a smile that was far too happy for my liking. He remained against the door, watching me as I watched him. Before too long he spoke, quietly and without any of the former hostility.

"Joey…?"

I blinked at him, shocked, and saw a face of quiet misunderstanding and slowly growing fear, that looked like Seto! I smiled, a huge smile of relief and happiness at his return. He looked at me and saw my state, his face filled with curiosity at my frazzled appearance, but I shook my head, I would never tell him what had happened. There was no point, it would cause nothing but unhappiness for the both of us. I didn't want to think of what was supposed to happen in the bathroom, what would have happened if he hadn't returned at just that moment. Something was still very wrong, even though I had gotten away without any serious harm, there had never been a threat like this, or a sudden resolve to destroy rather than dominate, and I knew that something inside of Seto, my Seto, must have triggered this change. I was lost, with no way out, and I gave in. I willingly surrendered myself, but since the Seto I knew wouldn't take it from me, I gave it to the only other dominating force that I wanted to offer myself to. I filled the empty places inside of me, and was once again taken by the ecstasy of feeling alive. The substance once more worked itself into my body, and somewhere not far away, Seto knew that, for the first time in all his life, he had truly failed.

I felt as though we were the same person, in the way that we let ourselves die, and now that we had found one another we could tell ourselves that the one we would save would be the other. And then, my thoughts ran from me and I had nothing and no one left. Seto, in the same moment, let the emptiness inside him rise above his head, and drowned as long as he was able to believe he could.

---------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------ He had been falling, falling, so sad it was but here he fell and words were heavy and he fell deeper with them, they held so little for weighing so much on a falling person and didn't he fall with the one who fell too and he knew…….

Seto, too, fell and then fell, and then felt as though he should wait for a person who fell as well as he, as fast as the passing of time that fell so fast, yet faster was Seto and he wondered why, he was empty and hollow, so fast so quick for a person to fall such as he and him who was with him and falling……

AN: Yep. I went there. And it felt so good. I had this much fun writing this chapter (I raise my arms and hold them far, far apart, signifying the depths of the universal Fun that I have indeed traversed in my journey to this, the Note of the Author), it was very tasty and strangely, a bit chewy at times. Someday, something good is going to happen, I just know it will! And when it does, I'll give it an angsty personality disorder and force it to beat on Joey. But hey! At least he has a little fun, right? He can't be sad all the time! He had to like something…..guys?…..hey…..hello? Alright, I admit to officially being too mean to poor Joey. I'm sorry, Joey. You'll forgive me, won't you? (Of course he will. And then right afterwards he'll throw himself in front of traffic for me, or something equally self sacrificing. A beautiful display of friendship.) Let us pray……