Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Urgency of Life ❯ falling 9.0 ( Chapter 9 )

The Urgency of Life

A Seto/Joey fanfic by subaruxkamui4ever

I think that I will finish Clear Vision as soon as this is all over. I've had my fling, I'll be faithful now, I think. The only thing I was thinking of doing as well was a one-shot as a side to Urgency, the first time the other appears, and what he does to Joey. That might be super-fun. But I miss Clear Vision, and the eternally tense situation that makes them act all funny-like. You could swim through the tension between those boys... Anyway, here is the second to last chapter, after this is the closing-guy, then no more. Life will cease to be urgent. Other self-destructive activity awaits these two, and who am I to stand in their way? Ahem. Singing............................one...two...onetwothreefour!

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I will never allow you to go.

I have waited so long to hear your voice, hear you say the words that I said to you with my eyes, every second of every day. And finally, now I have what I want. And I know that you are nearly lost in your mind, your heart hasn't much left to hold it together.

I heard you. You told me you loved me, in the way that I've loved you for all this time. I never asked you if you did. You never told me if you did. I knew. You knew. We did nothing.

But now, all of that is gone and lost, we have forgotten regret and cast it aside for good, choosing instead to feel what came out from within, releasing the hidden and stifled desires from inside us both. Now, in these final seconds, this rushing and burning that has gripped of every inch of my being, this is all I am allowed to feel. All I can see, taste, touch, hear, is you and you have me, all of me, and I'm screaming your name....

"Seto!!" I couldn't ever hear it escape my lips, thought and reality were meaningless and one, the same discarded burden, I knew nothing and no one but him. It was the only thing left for us to finish, the last bridge we had to cross. It just wouldn't do to search for another way to pass to the other side, this was the One Path, and we gave in and stepped forward. It was the way to many things that we desperately wanted to reach before it was too late. At the end of this road lay the resolution in our feelings, the long awaited release that had been building ever since the day of my abduction. It was the finish line of the race, the breaking of the circle, the moment where the pursuit was won and I had been caught at long last.

A successful chase had come to a close, the prey would never escape now, and was subject to the will of the captor. But Seto's will was my weakness and his opportunity, and I gave him everything he demanded of me, and more. He had moved in no sooner than I gave my consent to allow him to ask. Which was the first and foremost event that was taking place at that moment, driven into reality and given a name through the motions of the physical realm we played out, in a representation of the question. A question I had been waiting for, wondering, hoping, and completely accepting of any possible want or need of Seto's.

But even I was surprised, when I found that he had no other way to ask it of me. It had to be shown to me, what he wanted from me, and this was the only method of realizing the opportunity. So, I agreed, and he was insistent and greedy as ever, he was Seto, and he wanted something that only I could give him, it seemed. And I have never known Seto Kaiba to refrain from taking what he wanted, no matter who was the rightful owner. It didn't matter, I was taken and I would have offered it regardless of whether or not it was a necessary method of posing this question. For no reason at all, if the chance had come. I wasn't in any way casual or careless with my body. It wasn't mine to treat badly in the first place. It was his, I was merely living in it until the day he came to collect.

So it was on that day, when I was sober and in my right mind, and he had finally discovered the way of asking, that Seto and I slept together, and ended the way of the past, admitting the truth. We made it in time.

Every place that we met, the afflicted skin was pure fire, and was almost too painful to bear. The way his flesh moved against mine, it warmed and then froze it simultaneously, to a terrifying degree, I wanted to cry tears of misery and desire, wanting so much more, and in the same turn horrified that he would deliver what I foolishly requested. It was the feeling of being burned alive, all of the pieces of me were under fire, sacrificed to kindle the flame so it could stay alive and burn a bit brighter, lingering in the ashes of what had been my body. I needed to cry, to shed some of these tears, I tried and tried to release the emotion from my eyes, but I just couldn't feel the droplets on my skin, I felt something else in their place.... I opened my eyes in question, and saw nothing at first, all was masked in a thick haze that wouldn't be lifted and blocked the entire world except for one thing. Seto Kaiba, eyes wider than I had ever thought possible, and filled with a color I thought I would never see. For the blue that had been previously iced over with dusting of splintered silver was not there, and I collided with the replacement in awe. The blue had somehow been thawed and heated, and the protective layer of frost was forgotten and gone, leaving behind the darkest blue of an endless sea without hesitation.

His form was just above my own, and every motion his body inflicted upon mine was the single source of all my pain and torture, and the same one responsible for the insatiable appetite that played me to his pace, demanding for more of the same. I watched him, feeling my muscles trembling with the strain of the onslaught, unable to shut my eyes once again for fear that he might disappear, perhaps this was a dream of death, and I was leaving at last. But it wasn't so, and I knew it, for this moment was far too like a dream to be anything other than reality. His face was not directly matching my stare, he saw it but had been occupied previously, and I saw what had become of the tears I sought out. His face was pressed into the side of my own, and I saw what had been felt but not recognized, as the sight of the act met the sensation in my mind, and a shudder shook my spine violently. His lips were pressed on my cheek, near to my eyes and with his mouth open slightly, my eyes raced to follow his tongue as it denied me the privilege of liquid release. Slowly and relentlessly, he destroyed any traces of an unsolicited outpouring, and finding the end of them at last, smiled rather sickly into my cheek, which pressed his teeth into my face and threatened the delicate skin that could feel the sharp edges and points above.

I became aware, albeit distantly and after many delayed moments, of the placement of his hands that were, impressively enough, still with a minimal amount effort and never shook or trembled in the slightest under support. One of them was far, too far for me to see and therefore too far to exist completely, but I felt as though it were involved with the also-distant but consistent pressure that held my waist slightly in the air. The other hand, which made it's presence known seconds later, I found to be hopelessly tangled and twisted within the confines of the sweat dampened locks of hair that had before served as my bangs. Now, as the hair gave and began pulling at my scalp, the fist inside tightened its grip and he flicked his wrist, yanking my head aside and back so I faced the wall directly aside our bed and away from him, forcefully driven into the pillow beneath.

The motion was a calculated one. Seto, in his feverish mind, still amazingly found room to harbor a ever present motivation to be the best and greatest at everything he did, up to and including me. Recalling a previous suspicion he vaguely sensed awhile back, the suspicion had grown upon conception and had acted like a virus in his mind, developing into `uncontrollable' dreams and `unwanted' moments of imagined testing, where Seto might finally be afforded the chance to put his theory into practice (He swore he had no choice in the matter...). Regardless of motivation, the prediction was correct, and the dominating gesture succeeded in nearly driving me over the edge in a wild panic, and I screamed, so loud, as though I were in indescribable agony, but my body betrayed my true reaction, and Seto saw and grinned madly.

Then, in a shared moment we felt in unison, the last edge of sanity that stood before all fell into madness was in sudden view, and the common fever continued to rise as always, slowly ascending towards the total and final Breaking Point that might end us both. The severity of the intention behind the act broke through into Seto's mind, and the moment of the asking was close, very close, and he released my hair quickly, to which I turned back upwards and met with his gaze, and understood at once. The want he spoke of was just ahead, and we couldn't go back now. Unless my answer was "No", we would be resolved and realized as one, and Seto would have a clear and weightless mind, and we would never be apart again. In this room, in our bed, we would await death finally without regrets. Or at least, that was the most obvious end in sight. Neither of us had the will or the strength to save the other, and both he and I were dying at once. What else could possibly come to pass?

These thoughts flew by, and I acknowledged them and quickly threw them aside, this was not the time for sadness or thoughts of the end. This was Seto's moment, and I was more than anxious to hear him speak his mind, not even knowing enough to guess at his desire from me. Not only that, but he had been absolutely certain, without a doubt, that he could never explain what it was in words. He had to show me the way to the place he spoke of, and it had to be immediately before him when I answered. Not that it bothered me, it was just so cryptic. Still, my mind held these thoughts only for seconds, until his insistency demanded my undivided attention in the physical side of the event. He seemed as one who has nearly lost his place in the world and didn't care in the least, knowing nothing but me and this place I had inside, he knew he had almost uncovered it, it was slightly deeper still.....

Meanwhile, in the same seconds he spent in search of something, I spent under the fury and raging temper of the building pressure that was my body's response to the intrusion upon my soul. He was touching every part of me in expectation, peering into the dark places in my mind, lifting things here and there, feeling the walls of my heart for a hidden door, and curiously I watched him in his search. Wondering what it could be, and if I knew where it was. I hoped I did, I'd hand it over as soon as he spoke of it. But he really was about to speak at last, and I found my body underneath his once more as we came as close as the edge would allow, without falling into the blinding and frozen flame that waited below with infinite patience. We would be driven over soon. Our eyes were open and locked in the haze of the others, and then he spoke aloud and the familiar voice reached my ears and the words fell into my mind, slowly piecing themselves together until they formed a coherent message, because neither of us was able to speak in much more than symbols. "Joey....this is...is it......this is where it is........I......I need you to....let me........" he couldn't even blink, and neither could I, and as he continued to speak I felt everything suddenly slow down and wind to a halt, as if it was paused for a moment, and I was unable to move or speak with my body.

I felt no fear or panic, just curiosity, and I reached out to Seto who felt it in his mind, and I could hear him as well. He was much more collected this time, his words were flawless and he told me what he wanted in plain and simple language. "Joey, now, this is it. I want you and I to live. But...I know that it's too late to wish for a happy ending. I'm sorry for that. Do you forgive me?"

"I do. You forgive me, as well?" I was so close to him in this moment.

"Of course I do. Joey....do you know what will happen to me soon? When my heart finally falls apart completely?"

I wasn't aware that there had been more than that, but if he didn't really die, then.....

"I don't understand, Seto. Won't you die?" I felt him disagree, as though he had shaken his head.

"My body won't die, my heart will. My heart puzzle will fall apart, and there won't be anything to connect my body to my soul. Well, my half of our soul. But if I can't feel my body, I won't know it's there. And with my soul as well, if my body can't locate the soul within, it will fall asleep. And it won't wake up. I'll be stuck inside with no way out, until my body dies naturally. My body's only seventeen, Joey. That could be for a lot longer than you plan on being there."

My sadness heard it all, and I was overcome. There was nothing I could do for him. And I wanted to cry, but he continued and shook the tears from my mind.

"There's something that you can do. It's not a happy ending in any way, but you'll have saved me from a fate as horrible as that. Would you still, maybe, consider saving me after all....even if I can't save you in return?"

I was as confused as ever, but his words were promising enough to raise my spirits.

"Seto, I would do anything you asked me to. And I would save you even if you didn't ask at all. I don't understand what you want me to do...." What the hell had he been searching for? What did I have inside that he knew about, and I evidently didn't?

"You know where it is. We're almost there. It's the place inside that you hold that ridiculous hope in, waiting for me. Where you slept inside, while I was gone. You keep it empty, except for the flame...remember?" I did. I remembered the dream I was lost in, the things I said while I was inside were now all coming back, one by one, and they all pointed to the place, which was just within reach, the destination of the climax that stood before us, and they echoed silently.

I hope that he wants to ask me for what I so deeply desire to give him.

I hope he knows the depths of what I hold inside, a place for him that waits eternally

Until that very moment, I would be feeding the place inside that waited for him, filling it with the hope that he had asked me to hold strong. The closest place in the world, reserved for him alone and the many faceted flames that I held inside, reflecting my whirlwind of feelings that were ever present and constantly burning. They were equal in purity and intensity, existing only to be given up when he came to exchange them with his own, if ever it was to happen.

The only way to open the door, which was why it had never been opened, was the complete and full surrender of everything I had, offered up to the person I invited inside. But exchanging....he couldn't take mine in return. Would it work like that?

"If you have nowhere to take my half, then....will it still work?"

Seto was silent. I still couldn't see a thing, but could feel every flickering emotion and thought that went through his mind, he knew the answer....

"It will....work. It might be dangerous for someone to bear the full weight of an entire soul. But you won't die, and I'll die soon afterwards, physically. But it will be better this way. I won't let you walk away from me, I absolutely refuse. Even if I have to possess half of you in the process. And I most certainly won't be left to rot in some eternally sleeping and useless body, wandering aimlessly without a goddamned clue. Absolutely not!"

He was so bossy. He'd threaten the gun held to his own head, just to insult the audacity of it's lethal nature, and how foolish it was to allow itself to be pointed at ahead as ingeniously superior as his own. He felt my amusement and became neutral, silent and thoughtful once more. I took the opportunity and spoke.

"You know very well that I would never let anything like that happen to you. I wasn't fully aware of the situation. Seto, I just....as soon as you leave your body, you'll be gone for good, won't you? So then, if that's true, then....this is the last time we'll ever speak to each other....the final end?" I lost myself in the moment, realizing the truth. I would save him from one end, and instead cast him into another. A dormant state of dreaming, drifting slowly back and forth but never fully waking or sleeping. A place I had gotten quite enough of within 78 hours, would be his lifetime? But I understood that it was infinitely better. He would be dreaming inside me, not lost and alone, and I smiled at the newfound hope that was conceived at that moment, from the two of us. Now that there was a two of us to combine as one.

I was in a state of shock, but I would do it, of course. I had never considered another option. I just didn't want to be the one who personally swung the axe. This place we spoke inside of wasn't my body, so I couldn't even feel like I wanted to cry, instead I felt the darkening of my heart, and it began to grow heavy with the terrible pain, the awful choice, to either lose Seto and let him suffer, or take Seto away myself, and drown his soul into mine, carrying the full weight of our two entities. The pain in my fate hadn't even felt like a consideration. I was sad inside at the task before me, and the way I would have to execute it. As we came to our first climax, together and finally the same person after all that hesitation, and the only moment of perfection I had to carry in memory of us. I wouldn't even want to remember it at all this way, and it became heavier still. He felt the weight on my heart and was silent in a side stepping sort of way, he had done this, and could not stop.

"Joey......I....this is the only way possible to save us both. You'll see what I mean, when it's all over. Please don't be sad. This will be all right. You'll be with me forever. You and me, until the day you die, and I'll be right here......even if it's not the same, you won't forget me, cause you won't be away. I just won't be another person, separate from you."

I knew all that. Here where everything was easy to see, and ideas were formed without effort, I saw the appeal to Seto, and I saw that it really was the one way out of the demise Fate had decided for him, which I imagine pissed him off to no end, not to mention was a really terrifying thing to suffer from, awaiting death for a release from knowing nothing, only that you used to know and you don't anymore. I wouldn't let that happen to anyone, especially someone I loved as much as Seto. But why did it have to be by my hand.....? I made my choice. I would save Seto. And most likely destroy myself in the process. If I got out of this alive, I would be a broken person, indeed. I couldn't handle this...living my life while holding him inside like a trapped spirit, condemning him to watch and listen and be silent and feel no one, waiting for me to die? It wasn't all that much better than before, but I knew that it really was, deep down.

"Come on, Seto....let's end this. Whatever happens....I still love you. I hope that we'll make it through this. And I hope for better things.....if we ever have a second chance at this...."

He was ready, as much as he'd ever be. "Thank you.... for saying yes....and, well...." he sounded strange, as if he were skirting the issue, and I shut him up before he made himself sick.

"I know. Come on."

The moment we both let go, we were set into motion as if we hadn't stopped, and we immediately remembered the arm's length before the jump, we found the way back into each others eyes, and we smiled simultaneously. It was a happy ending, at least in the smile that was shared between us. It was the happiest moment of my life. I still believe that, even now. And that was enough, I decided, and resolved to save Seto and to stop being so greedy. I had plenty of memories that still belonged to me. They were real and they happened, and I had never even dared to dream of them a year ago. I had more than I had hoped to ever have. And I would keep all there was to myself. Whatever was left of Seto belonged to me.

The feelings and emotions rushed all around us as they returned, and all at once I felt the blinding flame of ecstasy as we both tumbled over the edge, falling into the insanity of pure feeling. And I did find the door, it was simple and clear, and I opened it with little effort. And in the release we shared, he took the place that waited inside. He went quietly, but it changed nothing. The most terrible and inescapable anguish was of the mind and soul, and both of mine were screaming in agony at the intrusion, I screamed as well, so loudly, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't even hear it, my own voice raised in horror. I felt as though I would fall apart at the very seams. There wasn't a space left inside me and I was full to the brim, and another single drop would kill me instantly. I had no idea what my body was doing in response, but my mind and soul were crying out, for so long I couldn't breathe or see, or feel, I was just pain itself. But it wouldn't last forever.

After it began to slowly subside, I lay where I was until I could face the real world, and the real pain inside the truth that lay there. I felt the sudden pangs of emptiness within, and panicked, until I realized what it was. Rejection. There wasn't anyone to open any doors for me in return, and I thought maybe Seto was already gone. I knew I felt him inside, but still.....maybe.

I slammed the door shut within. The echo sang once or twice in the hollows of my mind, but they only sealed the door even further, despite the sad protest they sounded. It was over. I opened my eyes.

It was almost exactly as I had left it. I was wearing nothing just like him, lying on the bed in the room we shared. He was still above me, but he made no further efforts to hold himself up, or to move at all. His arms fell around me, one over each of my sides in an embrace that felt nothing at all. His head rested on my chest, just below my collarbone, and I peered around his dark hair, lifting his chin at the same time, until my eyes met his. They were empty. He was gone.

And I finally got to cry, at long last. I raised both of my arms up around him and held him as close as I could to me, as if I could still comfort him this way. As if he weren't sinking deeper within me at that moment. Never needing comfort, never feeling this with me again. I only held tighter, and the tears came for so long, but I couldn't make them end. I never wanted to make anything end, ever again. Seto would be the last. I wouldn't ever kill myself now. He won. That bastard....he found a way to save me. It was unreal, that boy....Seto Kaiba always won. No matter what.

"I'm sorry, Seto, but please, don't cry.....I can't stand it when you cry.......it makes me cry too....."