Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Without You ❯ Without You ( Chapter 1 )

I told myself that, as long as everything was taken care of for you, I would find a way to deal with my own troubles. I told myself that I would be fine, as long as I knew that you were where you belong.

It was so hard, holding back my tears as I dueled against you. You, the one person who I had grown closest to; the person who I had shared my body with, who I had become so close to, had become my opponent in a battle to determine your fate. I didn't want to let you know how weak I was at the time. If I had cried, you would have known the truth.

I never wanted you to leave my side.

I didn't do the best job of hiding it, though. I'm sure you knew the whole time how much I wanted you to stay. How could you not, after all; you'd felt the same way. Just as I fought to give you what you deserved, to let you finally move on, you dueled to stay by my side.

I don't think I'll ever be able to admit to anyone how close I came to throwing the duel just to keep you here, with me. How could I not want you here? How could I ever want you to leave me? You were my best friend, my protector, my confidant. I could tell you anything, and would just listen. You were the first person to ever do that for me. Sure, I had grandpa and Anzu, but there were things that I just could not tell them; with you, it was only natural to say everything, though.

I should be thanking you, really. You saved me from everything. You gave me everything that I have now, and you helped me gain the friendships that I hold so dear.

But, without you, it's all meaningless. Without you, there's no point to anything, because, really, you had become my biggest reason for living.

I play that duel back in my head every night, thinking of you and what could have been done differently. I think about what I could have done afterwards, what I should have done. I should have listened to that feeling in my heart, the one that told me to run after you, to beg you to stay.

Would have; could have; should have. The fact remains that I didn't. I let you walk away, through that door, without saying anything. Everyone called out to you, and I remained silent. I allowed you to leave, I allowed you to go on to your afterlife without protest, and now I'm here, alone.

Without you.

Everyone tells me that I should be happy for what happened. After all, I did the right thing. I let you move on. That's all well and good, and don't get me wrong, I really appreciate their support in everything, but ...

Maybe it's selfish of me to say this, but, they have no idea what it's like. They don't know what it's like for me to have lost you. None of them have lost the other half to their soul, after all. The only one who has even come close to understanding is Bakura-kun, and even he doesn't understand perfectly. After all, he hated his other self.

So I sit in my room, alone with my thoughts. There are things that I will never be able to tell anyone else, things that I can barely even admit to myself; silent wishes for you to return, to be at my side again. Sometimes, I turn around, and I see you there, eyes warm with that ever-present smirk. But then I blink, and you're gone.

I promised you that I wouldn't cry. I promised you that I would live on, for your sake. I didn't want to tell you how impossible it seemed to live on with you gone forever. I didn't want you to know just how much pain I was in; you would have given everything up in an instant if I had let you see that.

It's funny, everything should have been so plainly obvious to me back then, and yet, I didn't realize any of it at all. I didn't realize how I felt until you were gone. Until it was too late.

I'm a fool.

What would people think if they heard that I still think about you? What would they think if they learned that I dream about you holding me, every night? I want to feel your arms around me, encircling me in warmth and protection; encircling me in what I can almost positively say was your love all over again. If only I had known then, would it have changed anything? Would I have refused to duel you, refused to let you go?

I wish that I could answer these questions of mine. I wish that anyone could, but, I know, the only one who can is you ... and you're gone. You've left me alone, against either of our own wills.

It's funny, though. They say that you never realize that you love someone until you've lost them. I never believed it, not until now. But it's happened. I lost you, and in that instant, the moment that door closed and the Millennium Items fell into that endless chasm, I realized what I should have known all along. I love you, and I probably always will. I doubt that I will ever move on. And, honestly, I don't want to.

I would probably get locked up faster than I can blink if anyone were to find out that I still see you sometimes. Whenever I'm crying, I can see you there, reaching out to me to wipe away my tears. Whenever I'm exhausted, I see you holding out your hand to help me up and bring me to my bed to rest. No matter here I go, where I turn, where I look ... you're there. I don't want that to stop. I want to see you forever and ever. I just wish that it were really you instead of my overactive imagination. I wish that it was you instead of just memories.

I want to feel your arms around me again.

The tears have fallen every night since that day. I can't stop them. I don't even try anymore.

I spend my nights crying into a pillow that becomes drenched in tears. I hug it as though my life depends on it as I let all of my emotions pour out of me; I hug it as though I were holding onto you. Refusing to let go. Knowing that, if I do, you'll be gone again.

And then, I'll feel it: a gentle shifting of my hair, like fingers pressing through it. I hug the pillow tighter, and cry more. Fate is so cruel, taunting me with the faintest hints of your touch, your scent ... your voice.

It's the same every night. I hear you murmur gentle words to me, telling me that everything will be fine, that you're with me and will never leave. When I turn to look at you, my tears blur my vision, but you're there. I know you are. I see you, staring at me with your kind, crimson eyes, holding your arms out for me. But I always hesitate, and in that hesitation, I lose my chance.

You disappear before I can move, and I'm alone again.

Why won't you stay? Why do you leave me alone, time and time again? Was it not enough? Was I not enough? All that I want, all that I ever wanted, was for you to come back and stay with me forever.

And the tears return.

Feeling you abandon me makes them fall harder, faster. I cry and cry, until I feel as though my heart is going to burst, and I feel it again; strong, powerful arms wrap around me. I lean closer, every time, and you whisper to me that everything will be alright, that you're with me.

But reality always hits me like a ton of bricks. Though I see you with me, it's not the you that I remember. It's the you of the past; the world's savior, and Pharaoh of Kemet. And the tears fall harder.

You always beg me to stop crying, to calm down. You tell me that you're with me and that you'll never leave; that I'll have you forever, because you love me. But it's wrong. It's all a lie, and I don't want to be left alone again after believing in it.

All it is ... all I have is a ghost of you.

But the words always continue. You constantly reassure me, and I beg you to stay with me, just as I should have on that day. I beg you not to go, my tears falling faster and even more freely. I ask for you to remain by my side and chase away all of my pain and fears, but you just remain silent. That's when I know that it's not real. That's when I know that it can never be real; if it was really you, you would never remain silent.

But you stay with me, all through the night. You whisper to me all of the loving words that I've always wanted to hear. It's my name that follows your "I love you." It's me that you hold in your powerful arms, tinted a glorious bronze, though I can see right through you.

I can never seem to stop these tears. Whenever it seems that I'm going to, a new thought appears in my head that makes them more powerful than before.

But I was important to you, wasn't I, Atemu? As important to you as you are to me? That's all that really matters, in the end; how much we meant to each other, and how much we love each other. So won't you come back now? Please?

I beg you every night to grant that wish, and every night, you tell me that you wish that you could.

But why can't you? You've always been able to give me everything else, so why can't you give me yourself now? Why can't you return to me and give me everything that I need?

The nights pass much too quickly for my taste. I never want them to end. I want them to last forever, so that we can never be separated again.

I've thought about it a few times. Joining you, I mean. But, then I remember. You would never accept that. You would never want me to hurt myself, and you would never want me to take my own life. That's probably what keeps me here. I did promise to live for you, in the end.

Although, I suppose another part of why I stay alive is because I know how much it would hurt grandpa if I were gone. I don't want to leave him alone.

I never made you promise me the one thing that I needed to. I never made you promise that, when all is said and done, we will see each other again. I never made you promise that, when my time comes, we'll be together in the afterlife, never to be separated again.

Will you wait for me?

Night is the only time that I feel like I can be myself again. It's the only time that you're with me once more, holding me and taking away all of my pain. So I live for the nighttime. I live for my time with you, even if it is just my mind playing tricks on me in the end. Because, when the night is over, I'm alone. I'm without you once again.

And, don't you see, Atemu? Without you, all that I have left are these tears. And that is what scares me more than anything else.

Disclaimer: Yuugiou is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi. I do not claim any right to the series or its characters, and I should probably apologize for the hell I'm likely to be putting them through in this story.
Author's Note: I felt like doing something sad. That's really my only explanation for this. Well, that, and I'm doing a picture along the same theme.