Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Yugioh: Attack of Mary--er...Merisu ❯ I Don't Want To Be Here! ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a Pharoh who ruled Ancient Egypt. It was beautiful and peaceful up to the whole Shadow Realm nearly destroying the world incident. Then stuff happened. Moving on, we're in present day, where Yugi Motou is the official King of Games, carries around an upside-down golden puzzle with the spirit of some dead guy, has many friends, has many more enemies, as well as a couple of which who are sort of friends, but really not, despite being the more bish out of everyone in the anime and are more idolized by the fangirls.

Fangirls: (Drool over the bishonen)

Narrator: Since we already know all that stuff, we'll skip it and move on to someone who actually had NO impact on the series whatsoever, but will play an important role in this story. Why? We don't know, but odds are it's because we couldn't get anyone else stupid or desperate enough for the job. So, here we are, on some random street in some random town in the world which we cannot name for a very important reason. What that reason is, we can't remember, but it IS important, otherwise we wouldn't be saying it's important...unless we're lying.

Readers: (Heading for the back button)

Narrator: WHOA! WHOA! Hold on! Don't leave now! Fine, we'll get on with the story. Just don't leave...please?

(Walking down the street is a girl around the age of the heroes. But she's no ordinary girl, oh no. She's just one of the hundreds upon thousands of nameless extras to show up in the Yugioh series! And being a nameless extra, she has no name, description, or actual background or history, thus saving you--as the readers--several paragraphs worth of background information about her. Aren't you lucky?)

Nameless Extra: (Sighs) No individual thought...no individual thought...no individual thought about how much I hate my life and nonindividualness...

(Just then, Shadi appears.)

Shadi: Greetings Nameless Extra 9913047301940123740197234 who shall be henceforth reffered to as NE.

NE: Wha--? Hey wait! You can't just shorten my name!

Shadi: Oh yes I can.

NE: Come on! Being nothing more than a nameless extra with only a number as a means of differentiating myself was bad enough, now I'm not worth being refferred to with more than two letters?

Shadi: Nope.

NE: I hate you.

Shadi: Not as much as you will later on, I'm sure. But that's not important. Let me introduce myself, I am Shadi.

NE: Good for you. Later. (Turns to leave)

Shadi: Wait! You can't leave!

NE: (Stops, raises eyebrow) Can't I?

Shadi: No.

NE: Watch me. (Walks off, looking back over shoulder) Hah! (Turns around and finds herself face to face with Shadi, back in the exact same spot she left) Oh dammit...

Shadi: Will you listen for a moment?

NE: I just did. Can I go now?

Shadi: No. You're not leaving until you hear me out.

NE: Oh great...you're one of those "canon" guys, aren't you?

Shadi: Yes, and I have come to you for a very important reason.

NE: I don't know about that...last week you went to the nameless extra who worked at a doughnut shop for some "important reason" that turned out to just be a doughnut and coffee run.

Shadi: Well, this time it really is an important reason.

NE: Oh fine. Just hurry up and tell me your stupid story that is bound to be long-winded and full of plot-holes and/or continuity errors so I can get out of here.

Shadi: Thank you. *Ahem* Long ago in ancient Egypt, there was a powerful Pharoh who saved the world and blah blah blah--

NE: Could you fast forward to the point? I know about that stuff already.

Shadi: (Blink, blink) You do?

NE: Well...yeah.

Shadi: How?

NE: Hello? I'm a nameless extra. I have a lot of free time on my hands. So get to the point.

Shadi: Right. Well, it turns out the Pharoh had a wife, and there was a great evil she had to save him from and--

NE: HOLD IT! (Glares) You're not about to go and tell me that I am the reincarnation of his wife and I have special powers and am supposed to end up with him in THIS life in a way that will turn me into a Mary Sue, cause this story to be seriously flamed, and force me to hurt you severely, are you?

Shadi: (Sweatdrop) Uh...no.

NE: Good. Please continue.

Shadi: As I was saying, the Pharoh's wife was a princess.

NE: (Rolls eyes) Wow, big shock there.

Shadi: But before they were married, there was another princess...an evil one named Merisu.

NE: Oh boy...I see where this is going...

Shadi: She came to Egypt and convinced everyone that SHE was the one he had been arranged to marry. Everyone believed her, and by the time the true princess arrived in Egypt, the evil Merisu was already taking over.

NE: Naturally.

Shadi: The good princess and her guards discovered what was happening and managed to stop Merisu from taking the Pharoh's power and ruling the world.

NE: (Uncaring) That's nice. And I'm late for school. Bye.

Shadi: Wait! I'm not done yet!

NE: Well hurry it up! I may be a nameless extra that nobody bothers to take notice of, but I still get detention for being late.

Shadi: (Rolls eyes) Oh please, we both know that's not true.

NE: (Sweatdrop) Damn...(Sighs) Fine, what do you want from me then?

Shadi: The Pharoh is currently in this time.

NE: I know that. You know that. EVERYBODY knows that!

Shadi: So is the reincarnation of his queen.

NE: Which ISN'T me, right?

Shadi: (Rolls eyes) YES, it's not you.

NE: Just making sure.

Shadi: But the problem is that the evil Merisu is back to try and take over the world.

NE: (Sarcasm) Joy...and just how does she plan to take over the world THIS time?

Shadi: The same way she did last time. Seduce the Pharoh and take his power.

NE: Greeeaaat...and just what do you want me to do about it?

Shadi: Stop her.

NE: Uh...right. How do I even know who she is?

Shadi: Use this. (Pulls out something and hands it to NE)

NE: (Takes it and blinks) A Macarana Mix CD?

Shadi: (Coughs) Sorry, wrong one. (Grabs it back and stuffs it into a pocket in his robes, then pulls something else out and hands it to her)

NE: (Frowns and looks it over) A tube of Lip Gloss?

Shadi: That's the Millenium Lip Gloss.

(Pause...)

(Pause...)

(Pause...)

NE: The what now?

Shadi: The Millenium Lip Gloss.

NE: Wait, wait...I thought there were only supposed to be SEVEN Millenium Items. The puzzle, ring, eye, necklace, rod, key, and scales.

Shadi: Well, there was an eighth one...

NE: Movies don't count.

Shadi: Oh, right.

NE: There are only supposed to be seven of these things.

Shadi: Well, now there's another one.

NE: And aren't they supposed to be made of Millenium Gold?

Shadi: They are.

NE: But it's silver.

Shadi: Millenium Silver.

NE: And it looks like the paint's chipping off.

Shadi: Old age.

NE: It's yellow underneath.

Shadi: Okay, so it's not real Millenium Gold. This stupid thing was made a few years after the original seven, but it still has magical properties.

NE: Even though it's plastic and has the words "Made in Taiwan" on the bottom?

Shadi: ...

NE: ...

Shadi: ...Yes.

NE: You realize that makes no sense, right?

Shadi: (Sighs) Yes. But that doesn't change the fact that it holds the very magic that Merisu used to try and control the Pharoh and everyone else all those years ago.

NE: Okay, so how do I make it work?

Shadi: Well...you don't, really. It'll start to react once Merisu appears, so you'll know who she is.

NE: Do I really need it? If she follows the guidelines of the normal Mary Sues, she should be easy to spot.

Shadi: She's not Mary Sue, she's MERISU. It's completely different.

NE: But you said--

Shadi: Completely different!

NE: But--

Shadi: DIFFERENT!

NE: (Rolls eyes) Fine, fine. Then what?

Shadi: You give it to her. It's her Millenium Item. The same one she used to try and take over the world.

NE: (Stare) ...

Shadi: (Blink) ...

NE: (Stare) ...

Shadi: (Blink, blink) ...

NE: (Stare) ...

Shadi: What?

NE: Do you have any idea just how STUPID that is?!

Shadi: What do you mean?

NE: You're saying she's going to take over the world with a tube of lip gloss!

Shadi: Well...yes, I suppose that does sound strange, but that doesn't change the fact that it's an object of pure evil and great magic.

NE: That you want me to give to her.

Shadi: Yep.

NE: So, you're telling me that you want me to give the "Millenium Lip Gloss", an item of evil and dark seductive powers, to Merisu, an evil false Princess who used said evil and dark seductive powers some five thousand years ago which nearly allowed her to take over the entire world.

Shadi: Yep.

NE: And you don't see a problem with that?

Shadi: Nope.

NE: (Facefaults)

Shadi: Is there something wrong?

NE: Yes...many, many things are wrong on several levels, but I guess nothing I say will change this, huh?

Shadi: Nope.

NE: But wait...if the Pharoh's the one in danger, why didn't you just go to him or one of his friends with this?

Shadi: They're canon characters.

NE: So?

Shadi: So? So they're automatically gonna be the first ones Merisu will go after! And once they're under her spell, how do you expect them to stop her?

NE: You didn't even consider going to them, did you?

Shadi: (Hangs head) No...

NE: (Sighs) Why me, anyways?

Shadi: Well, I tried all the other nameless extras, but they said no.

NE: Wait...you mean I'm the LAST person you asked?

Shadi: (Coughs) Uh...well...I wouldn't say that, but...uh...well, yeah...sorta...

NE: I'm outta here.

Shadi: You can't leave, remember?

NE: (Glares) But I CAN strangle you...which I'm close to doing...

Shadi: But then Merisu will take over the world and you'll either become her flunky or be killed!

NE: Option two sounds rather nice...

Shadi: Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?

NE: Stop it! Geez, it's bad enough having to deal with a guy in a dress, but do you have to cry, too?

Shadi: This isn't a dress!

NE: Sure looks like a dress to me.

Shadi: It's a robe!

NE: You go out in public like that wearing a robe?

Shadi: ROBES. And being the ancient mystic all-knowing guardian guy, I have to wear them.

NE: Okay...I can understand and respect that...but why are they pink with purple flower-prints?

Shadi: ...Ishizu said it made me look mysterious...

NE: Uh...huh...

(From wherever Ishizu is...)

Ishizu: (Laughing) And he BELIEVED me!

All: (Snicker)

(Back to Shadi and what's-her-name...)

NE: I don't HAVE a name, remember?

(Oh yeah...)

NE: (Sighs) So would you just hurry up and tell me what I have to do so I can get out of here?

Shadi: After you find out who Merisu is in this lifetime, stop her. Of course, she's bound to have already put the Pharoh under her spell, so you'll have to snap him out of it. And considering his friends will be under the spell as well, they'll try to stop you so you'll have to find a way around them. Oh, and you have to find the real princess and get her and the Pharoh together to stop Mary--I mean Merisu for good.

NE: And just HOW am I supposed to do that?

Shadi: (Shrugs) I dunno...be creative.

NE: Be creative? I can't be creative! I'm a nameless extra! I have no real personality or description of creativity!

Shadi: Wow...sucks to be you. Anyways, I'm off.

NE: What!?! What do you mean you're off?! Merisu is going to try and take over the world and you're not going to give me the slightest bit of assistance?

Shadi: Sorry, but I can't miss karaoke night!

NE: (Sighs) Great...just great...there's an all perfect Mary Sue-like witch trying to take over the world, you won't help me, no one else will be in their right state of mind to assist! How exactly do you expect me to go and stop her?

Shadi: You'll just have to find a way.

NE: How am I supposed to get to where she is anyways? I live on some random street in some random town while she's halfway across the world! I don't even go to Domino High school!

Shadi: You do now.

NE: (Blink, blink) How do you figure?

Shadi: You're a nameless extra. You can be anywhere and nobody would really notice or care when or how you got there. And now we just happened to have you live in Domino. Lucky you.

NE: (Looks around, realizing that they've somehow ended up in Domino) How did that happen?

Shadi: Plot hole.

NE: (Sweatdrop) Gee, thanks...you've been such a help...

Shadi: It's what I do. (Leaves)

NE: (Insert long line of bleeped profanities and cursing here)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(At a classroom in Domino High...)

Teacher: Students, we have a new student here today. Please say hello to Maria Suezette.

(Everyone looks up to see the wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, etc., etc. girl who just floats into the room. And we're talking literally here. She is so perfect that she doesn't even need to touch the ground.)

All-Perfect Girl We All Know Is A Mary--er Merisu: Hello. I am Maria Suezette, and I hope to make friends will all of you since I'm new and I just transferred here.

Tea: Uh...where did you transfer here from?

Maria: (Cries) WAAAH! Why are you so mean to me?

Tea: (Blink, blink) What? I'm just asking--

Teacher: Miss Gardener, don't be mean to the new student!

Tea: But--

Teacher: DETENTION!

Tea: (Frowns)

Teacher: Miss Suezette, please take a seat.

(Maria Suezette floats down the aisle and goes to the desk with is next to Yugi, ignoring the fact that Tea is sitting in it.)

Maria: (Smiles and pushes Tea out of the chair, then sits down, gazing dreamily at Yugi) Hello.

Yugi: Uh...hi.

Tea: HEY! What was that for?!

Teacher: Miss Gardener, please take a seat.

Tea: But she's sitting in my seat!

Maria: Am not!

Teacher: There's no need to fight over a desk.

Tea: But I was already sitting there! She pushed me out of it!

Maria: (Pouting) But...I'm a poor new student who just wants to go to school and make friends. Why would you accuse me of doing anything so mean?

Tea: Because it's TRUE!

Teacher: That's enough out of you. Go take the seat in the back of the room.

(Tea huffs and begrudgingly goes to the empty seat in the back of the room. The said seat is obviously not in use, seeing as how it's covered in dust and looks like it would collapse under any weight. Plus there's a skeleton occupying it.)

*"Psycho" tune plays.*

Tea: (Gulps, pushes the skeleton out of the way with her bag, wipes the dust off) *Cough, cough* (Sits down and the desk collapses beneath her) Dammit!

Maria: Hah hah!

Yugi: Huh...somehow I'm getting a feeling this girl isn't a good person.

Kaiba: Gee, what was your first clue?

Tea: This isn't fair!

Teacher: (Ignores her and goes back to teaching)

(Just then, NE arrives.)

NE: Sorry I'm late. Some weird guy in a turban held me up for a while with a half-assed attempt at forming a plot.

(NE stops, realizing that the teacher didn't even look her way.)

NE: (Sighs)

(Just then, the Millenium Lip Gloss begins to glow.)

NE: Oh shit.

Maria: (Gasps) Oh my! That's mine! (Rushes up and grabs it) Thank you EVER so much for finding and returning my Millenium Lip Gloss! Now I can use its powers to put the Pharoh under my spell and take over the world!

Yugi: (Eyes widen) What!?!

Maria: (Coughs) Not take over the world! I mean...save the world! Yeah...and do...nice...not evil and seductive...things...(Coughs again) Secretly, I meant take over the world.

Tea: You're trying to take over the world!

Maria: I am not! What makes you say such terrible accusations...accurate though they may be.

NE: You forgot to do the evil whisper thing so we wouldn't hear you.

Maria: Did I, strange girl with no real name? Did I really?

NE: Yeah. You said some stuff about taking over the world that sort of implies you're evil, as if we couldn't tell already.

Maria: Oh, don't be silly! I'm not evil.

Tea: You ARE evil and you're trying to take over the world! I heard you!

Maria: Did you, Tea? Did you really?

Tea: YES!

Maria: Well...it's not like anyone will believe you anyways. You're the annoying 'friendship' girl! I'm the all perfect construct of the omnipotent author! That means you're going to be bashed and I'll take Yugi and Yami for myself and RULE THE WORLD!

NE: You know, that's an oddly evil thing to do for a Mary Sue.

(Which differentiates from normal Mary Sue fics...how?)

NE: Good point.

(Besides, she's not Mary Sue, she Merisu. There's a difference.)

NE: (Rolls eyes) Riiight...

Maria: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--

Tea: Hey! She's laughing evilly! That implies she's an evil villain who needs to be stopped!

NE: Well, at least I won't be alone in this.

Maria: Now to activate the power of my Millenium Item!

Tea: That's a Millenium Item?

Maria: Of course! Couldn't you tell?

Tea: No. (Turns to NE) Is that really a Millenium Item?

NE: (Shrugs) I have a hard time believing it, but that's what Shadi said. Then again, the guy thinks walking around in pink robes with purple flower-prints makes him look "mysterious", so there's no telling.

Tea: But I thought they were supposed to be made out of gold?

Maria: It is.

Tea: But it's silver.

Maria: Millenium Silver.

Tea: And it looks like it was badly painted.

Maria: What makes you say that?

Tea: There's plastic underneath.

Maria: Stop arguing with me!

Tea: (Shrugs) I'm just pointing out...

Maria: Shut up! SHUT UP! I've had enough of this! It's been five minutes since I've entered the room and I haven't been worshipped yet! Now it's time to use the power of my Millenium Item to brainwash everyone and take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA--

NE: You're laughing evilly again.

Maria: (Blink, blink) Was I? Oh, sorry. *Ahem*

(And so, Maria holds out her Millenium Lip Gloss, which begins to glow brightly and sends wave after wave of pink glowy glittery energy throughout the room. Everyone gasps in shock, eyes widening as the pink waves head for them. As they're hit, though, they all become out of character zombies. All the guys instantly fall in love with her, while the girls start wishing they could be as cool and perfect as Mary Sue. The teacher wasn't affected the same way as the guys, but he was still affected by the spell in seeing Maria Suezette as a perfect straight-A student who can do no wrong and must automatically be paired with one of the bishonens for every project which--coincidently--they just happen to have that day. Wow. What are the odds?)

NE: Counting all the other Mary Sue stories where this has happened before? Quite common.

(Uh...thanks. Anyways, there were a few exceptions to the spell. For one, Tea didn't turn into one of the Maria-crazed girls. When the spell reached her, her school uniform instantly changed into something slutty and undescriptive.)

Tea: WHAT THE--!?! I WOULDN'T WEAR THIS!!! (Grabs a jacket to hide what little she's now wearing)

(Of course, there was also NE and several other nameless extras in the room, but being nameless and descriptionless, the spell bypassed all of them completely, so only the canon characters and named original characters were under Maria's spell since the nameless extras were unimportant enough to not have to worry about.)

Nameless Extras: (No emotion whatsoever) Yay...

NE: This may be one of the few times I'll be thankful for this position...

(No, not really. Because now you'll have to watch all the guys from the show make go-go eyes at Maria.)

NE: (Looks around and notices this) Oh dammit...

Nameless Student Extra #3: Look on the bright side...

NE: There's a bright side?

Nameless Student Extra #1: Yeah, weirdly enough.

Nameless Student Extra #2: At least this isn't a musical.

NE: Yeah, thank Ra for that.

(Actually...)

NE: Oh HELL no! Don't tell me this is a musical!

(It is.)

NE: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!