Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction ❯ Yume Oboro ❯ Chapter 8
[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]
By: Celestial Reign 
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Suspense / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.09.2010 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 159 | Status: Work In Progress
Anime/Manga: Yu-Gi-Oh! Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Suspense / Angst | Type: Yaoi | Uploaded On: 07.09.2010 | Pages: 2 | Words: 3.9K | Visits: 159 | Status: Work In Progress
Chapter Eight
How is life determined? What labeled you in life, what made it where you had to do a certain thing that stated you were living your life? Was life really all it was cracked up to be? Some people claim to live good lives. They have money, fame, everything they'd ever want, yet somehow, some remain miserable. Then, there's the people who have nothing. No money, no fame, no life, but some claim to be the happiest people on earth. Why? I didn't understand life. Maybe it's because I'm young, naïve, and have all the adults look down on me for my ignorance and laugh at the things I question because I can't see it through their eyes, see life the way they see it.
If what I was going through was considered 'life', then I think I'd rather be better off dead. No, I know I would rather be dead. I wanted to die, because everyday coming home from school, every time I walked through that front door, it was like opening up the gates of hell itself.
Dad had started drinking. Badly. And he brought his sorrows and hangovers home with him. If it wasn't for Mom...God, if she hadn't of died, he wouldn't have turned out this way. If Mom hadn't committed suicide...maybe Dad wouldn't have done this.
Did she really hate me that much? Was putting me through this, putting Dad through this, her way of getting back at us? I didn't understand her. She was always immersed in drugs, doing whatever she could to escape reality, until the day she finally slipped completely. I don't even know if she realized she was holding up a knife, sliding it across her wrists, or if the whole thing was intentional. I just don't know.
I do know that she must've hated us both. Dad would have...he would have never done this. He loved her so, so much, he cried for her every night, I would hear him moan her name over and over, and I guess he figured alcohol made him forget.
Forget...I wish I could forget, forget everything that ever happened in this stupid house.
As I walked closer and closer to home (I'd stopped taking the bus just to draw out getting there), I looked down at my arm and flinched a little when I noted the scar he'd left on it when he threw the pot of boiling water on it. It wasn't that noticeable unless you were really looking, but it was like a giant red tattoo to me. It had no shape, it was just a glob, but looking at it just made me sick. How could...how could he do this to me? I just didn't understand it.
If this was life, then why? I almost started crying, but bit back tears as I walked down the sidewalk. He'd beat me if I came home crying. Not that I wouldn't be beaten anyway, but crying would only make it worse, but I couldn't help it. And I couldn't tell anybody, not even Kisara, my best friend. I was able to fool her when I told her I accidentally burned myself drinking coffee and had been away from home, and thank God she believed me. So far, she'd been completely oblivious to my dad's beatings.
It was an every night thing. I'd come home, he'd beat me, punch me, kick me maybe, scratch at me with his nails, he even bit me once, yell and scream at me, and then he'd back off. There would be bruises, sometimes cuts, but they were small and healed quickly. Sometimes, though, I'd have to wear a coat or long-sleeved shirt the next day to school to hide the marks. Didn't need teachers sticking their noses into my problems. This was my problem...my life I had to deal with.
The house came into view and as usual, I paused before turning the corner into our yard. I just...I hated this so much. I felt like everyday I was going to snap, but what could I do? He was my father, he was...he was my ruler, my god, and whatever he said went, no ifs, ands, or buts. Still, I clenched my teeth together, feeling like I was about to break them, bit down tears, balled my hands into fists so tight, they dug deeply into my palms, and I sucked in air to prepare myself for his wrath before walking around the corner and up those steps to the thick black door. It creaked upon opening, yelling out my presence for him wherever he was, and then...nothing.
Blinking when no abuse fell onto me, I looked around, expecting him to leap out at me from a corner, but...there was nothing. No sounds, no garbling noises from the TV to let me know if he was in the living room watching it, no beeping or sizzling noises from the kitchen to show that he was cooking, all was silent, and it unnerved me.
I stepped all the way through the door, shutting it behind me, and looked around again. My breathing was heavy, and I tried to bite it down. This...this was seriously scaring me. Where was he? It was like being in a jungle and knowing a big scary lion was waiting around the corner to rip up and tear your flesh apart. I wasn't about to call out for him (again, that would be like calling out to the lion to come get you), so I gripped my backpack a little tighter and began the trek to my room.
If...if I could just stay out of his way tonight, maybe he would be too drunk to notice me? It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.
I tiptoed closer and closer down to my room. All I had to do was make it down that little hallway, close my door, and maybe he would forget about me... Of course, he could just tear down my door anytime. Going to my room didn't make me any safer, but at least I would feel comfort there. I swallowed in anticipation and held my breath when I reached out to nab my doorknob. So close...so close...just turn the knob, Mariku, and you'll be safe...maybe.
"MARIKU..."
Of course, this was life, and my life sucked, so of course he would catch me before I could save myself. My fingers brushed against the handle and I froze. I couldn't...I just couldn't deal with this. I almost started crying. I was shaking. Why couldn't he just--
"MARIKU, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!"
As usual, he was shouting in that loud freaking voice of his. I could hear him just fine considering his room was right down the hall from mine and that's where the shouting came from, but he yelled like that anyway, if just to make himself known. I dropped my bag next to my door. There wouldn't be a point in trying to do homework tonight. My grades were slipping anyway, so it didn't matter. Again, I swallowed to try and calm myself and walked the rest of the way down the hall toward his room, not wanting to anger him anymore by making him wait.
There was absolutely no sound when I swung his door open and spotted him sitting on his bed, wearing nothing but a flimsy T-shirt and boxers. My dad was very toned for his age, so I could see all of his muscles through that shirt, and I don't know why, but it scared me. It just showed how much stronger he was than I. I was slender, curvy like a girl, and he hated that, and I hated it. Why couldn't I have been broader like he was, how come no matter how much I pushed my body, I gained no muscles? Punishment. It had to be punishment. I did something, and Dad was here to redeem me for it.
"Mariku..." His voice was softer now, and I think that scared me more than having him yell at me. Dad yelled and screamed, he made demands, not asked questions, and this terrified me. I was shaking again, my knees knocking together, and I almost threw up when his arm rose and he motioned for me to come to him. What...what would he do? I was sure to get a beating. His words were slurred as usual and he had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, like he hadn't slept all night. "Mariku..." I was so scared...
Walking toward him was like a blur. I didn't remember moving my legs, sucking in air so that I wouldn't pass out, taking each agonizing step toward him, step, step, step, but I was suddenly in front of him, standing taller since he was sitting down, and I looked him in the eye. "Yes...sir?"
Muscular tanned arms were wrapped around my waist and he pulled me into him. I was frozen, scared, scared, I was going t-to throw up, I was...God, help me...somebody...please, I'm sorry.
"Mariku...do you know..." Words were still slurred, but easy to understand, and he almost sounded...sad. What brought upon such uncharacteristic calmness from him? H-he should be beating me, he should be hurting me, so why--?! "...how much you look like your mother?"
Shivering violently, I didn't answer, only stood there like a mute and shook. I was so scared. I wanted to cry, scream, let out all my frustrations, but...I couldn't.
"She was...beautiful. Long blonde hair...blue eyes...absolutely perfect...you definitely inherited her good looks, Mariku."
He stood up, towering back over me, and his arms never left me. He staggered a little, showing he was drunk (as always), but the way he was speaking...the way he looked down at me with those dimmed violet eyes...he wasn't all there. He was gone, maybe not physically, but his mind was elsewhere.
A large hand trailed down my waist and I would've thrown up had I not been swallowing down bile to keep myself calm. Stay calm, Mariku...stay calm...this isn't happening, this isn't--Dad isn't really doing this...he's not really touching me like this...THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. "You should've been a girl, Mariku. You...you're too curvy for a boy...no muscles...so slender..."
My teeth were clamped as tight as they could be, but a choked sob managed to escape and I slammed my eyes shut, ready for him to explode on me and begin hitting.
...Nothing...Why...?
"Mariku..."
Ah, there it was. It was only a matter of time. He'd be hitting any second now.
Long fingers were on my chin and it was forced up. A tiny voice in the back of my head screamed and pleaded for me not to open my eyes, just stay still and maybe he wouldn't beat me too hard, but my eyes snapped open, only to close again when I found him right in my face.
"Mariku..."
Cold, cold and wet lips were on mine and I think I really did scream then. My eyes were snapped back open and Dad--GOD, DAD WAS RIGHT THERE, H-HE WAS KISSING ME! God, God, God, I backed up, staggering, falling over, covering my mouth, don't throw up, Mariku, don't throw up, and Dad was there and--
His face changed, morphing into rage, and fists started flying. "MARIKU, YOU LITTLE--" The words were muffled out with the punches and kicks he flung in my direction. I stayed on the floor, covering myself up, writhing around like an insect, and he stood above me, laughing, laughing and screaming and yelling and beating because he was my hell. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Punch, kick, a grunt from me, while I choked and clutched at my stomach. Sick, I was so sick, I want to throw up, and I finally did, all over his floor, and he screamed in rage at that before everything...stopped.
...Why...? That was way too short, he couldn't have been done already.
I had my eyes closed again. I don't know why, it didn't help anymore, but closing my eyes was just an initial reaction. A reflex to his attacks, and they slowly opened when I felt his large hands grasp my knee. "Mariku...God, you look just like her. I didn't...didn't see it before...you're so beautiful..." This was the worst. I've never seen him hallucinate like this before and it had me trapped. What would he do?
I didn't have to wait long for an answer. He threw me down before I could blink and knocked the air out of me, fumbling with my shirt, ripping it at the collar, and I snapped.
No...
No...no...
No, no, no, NO, NONONONO! I WASN'T GOING TO LET HIM DO THIS TO ME!
"Get-GET OFF OF ME, YOU PSYCHO!" My leg flew, I don't remember kicking him, and it made contact with his broad chest, knocking him away from me. Not even pausing for air, I scrambled to my feet, hyperventilating, choking on air, trying to breathe right, and I flew from his room, down the hallway, passed my discarded backpack, through the kitchen, living room, and finally the front door. I tore it open, crying, wailing, sobbing like a child as I leaped down the front steps and ran and ran and ran down the sidewalk, putting as much distance between myself and that hellhole that was supposed to be home.
Dad...Dad, Dad, Dad...why, God, just why? I hated you, I hate you, I hate you!
I cried harder, not reaching up to wipe away the tears, and my heart thumped in my ears, deafening me, but I kept running. I didn't look back, didn't want to see if he was following me, and I kept running.
I had to go somewhere, I couldn't just run without a plan if he intended on following me, he'd only catch me and...I didn't want to think about it. Where could I go? Think, Mariku, think!
A pale face framed with long white hair popped into my head and I rounded a nearby corner, bolting down another street, pushing past the few people who were still out walking and receiving nasty swears from them when I didn't apologize. I didn't care. I just...I didn't want any of this to happen. I didn't mean for it to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, please, Mom...if I did something to you, then I'm sorry.
I couldn't stop the tears, and so I was blinded while searching for her house, but I was able to recognize the only white house on the block and I rushed up to the door, still sobbing, and banged on it. Please, please be home. I have nowhere else to go. Please, please...
The brown door opened and a narrow pale face greeted me, the blue eyes sparkling when they fell on me. "M-Mariku? My God, what's wrong?" Kisara pulled me into the foyer and closed the door, locking it.
I sank to her floor and covered my burning face, sobbing into my hands, but Kisara didn't look down on me. She knelt next to me, rubbing onto my shoulder, hugging onto me, shushing me and telling me things would be okay. She didn't know, no one knew, but...she deserved to know. She was my best friend. And I was so scared and mad at him...
"D-D-Dad, he-he, God, Kisara, he tried to..." My voice shook and I stuttered horribly. I bit my lip, trying to calm down and get everything out. "He tried to r-ra..." I couldn't, I just couldn't say it. This wasn't real...it wasn't real...
She understood. Her face was drowned in horror and she hugged onto me harder, crying with me. "I'm sorry, Mariku, I'm sorry."
No, don't say that. Why are you saying that? You aren't to blame. It's all my fault.
I was shaking, so cold, cold and freezing, and Kisara was here and she made it all better. Pretty, pretty Kisara. "...Are...are your parents here?"
She shook her head. "No...they went out. Why? Mariku, what's--" I didn't let her finish. I nabbed her face and pulled her into me, receiving a grunt from her as I kissed her, crying into her mouth. She pushed against me a little, but her resistance didn't last long. "Mariku, what are you--"
"Do you love me?"
She looked confused, as if the thought never registered with her. "I don't...Mariku, of course I love you. You're my best friend."
I pulled her into me again, crying into her front, feeling so pathetic, so stupid, like such a child, but she held me back. "I love you, Kisara, please, please don't leave me. Don't leave me alone. I don't want to go back there." I hugged onto her tighter, and she hugged back, never questioning me, never looking down on me. Beautiful Kisara, God, I loved her.
"Shh, it's okay, Mariku. Just stay here. He won't be able to hurt you anymore." She ran her spidery fingers through my hair and it felt so good, her small and warm fingers were soothing against my scalp. "I love you, Mariku."
"Don't leave me."
"I won't."
"Stay with me always."
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
I kissed her again.
"How much do you love me?"
Again, she looked confused, but it passed. "I...you're like my older brother, Mariku. We've been friends since we were, what, five? Of course I love you."
She didn't understand, she just didn't understand. Nobody did, not even Kisara, whom I loved with every ounce of my being. I leaned into her ear, still crying, but drying up now. "Can I...can I love you?"
She was stiff, unmoving in my hold, but answered. "Y-yes."
I pulled away from her and stared into her face, cupping her pale cheek in my tanned hand. How our skin contrasted so much, it was beautiful and she was beautiful. My fingers grazed her sides, moving up to move through her hair, and she remained frozen until I tried to push her down to the floor.
"M-Mariku, what are you doing?"
I moved on top of her, hugging her, moving my face into her neck. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just love me. "You said I could love you. I want to love you everywhere."
She shook a little and pushed against me, but for once, I was stronger than someone, and I held her down. "I didn't...Mariku, you aren't..."
"Please love me."
"I do love you, but, Mariku--"
"Then, let me do this."
She looked torn, like she couldn't figure out what to do. B-but, she said she loved me, so that meant she would love this! She loved me, SHE LOVED ME, SO IT WAS OKAY IF I DID THIS, RIGHT? I was crying again, dry sobbing, having no more tears to shed from crying so much earlier, and I wanted to be sick all over again. Love, love, I just wanted somebody to love me. All I ever went through was hate and abuse and...I was tired of it, tired of Dad, tired of hate, of life...God, I just hated it all, and I wanted to love Kisara and have her love me back, too.
"Mariku, don't...I don't...I'm not ready for this." Pushing me a little, she tried to sit up, but I held her back down. What was this? If-if she loved me, then I could do this!
"You love me, don't you?"
"I do."
"Please, Kisara."
"Mariku, don't."
She was so weak, it was so easy to hold her down and take her like a doll. I don't remember ever dominating someone like that, being on top of them while they writhed and begged and cried beneath me. So...this was what it felt like, this was what power was, being the almighty, being on top of someone, being the better...I loved it. And I loved Kisara. Her face, her pretty, pretty face was so innocent and beautiful as I laid her down on the floor, in front of the front door, and undressed her. She back talked, begging me to stop, that she wasn't ready for this step yet, and that I was scaring her, but...I loved her, and she loved me, s-she told me so! God, her body, her slender and pale body was so perfect beneath me, and my clothes were gone too.
Two bodies, one pale as moonlight, the other sun-soaked and bronzed, the bronzed one on top, the pale on bottom, and they rocked together, back and forth, back and forth, sweating, tiring, loving each other, the pale on bottom screaming out when she was penetrated, hurting, crying for the one on top to please, please stop, and the bronzed didn't listen, even when she started bleeding. I didn't listen, because I loved her, she loved me.
The rocking continued, back and forth, getting rhythm, and eventually, she started liking it, and I concentrated on her, wanting her to love me, wanting her to feel my love, and so I was slow for her, even though she had bled, it was necessary, and she rocked with me, moaning below me, going up and down, up and down, up--
It was over. We both climaxed, she first, I second, and then everything was a haze. Sniffling...was she crying? Don't cry, Kisara, I only did this because I love you so much. You loved it, I heard you, you can't lie to your body.
I moved next to her, my own tears having dried long ago, and looped my arm over her. "I love you," I whispered into her ear, kissing it. "Please, Kisara, don't leave me."
And she hugged me back, still crying, shaking, shivering. "I...I love you, too, Mariku. I love you. I won't leave you. I love you."
Two bodies, one pale as moonlight, the other sun-soaked and bronzed, both encircled around each other, arms and legs entangled, both crying their eyes out, and they stayed like that for a very long time.
I loved her. I really did. And she wouldn't leave me, she couldn't leave me, I wouldn't let her. I love you, Kisara.
And she loved me, too.
How is life determined? What labeled you in life, what made it where you had to do a certain thing that stated you were living your life? Was life really all it was cracked up to be? Some people claim to live good lives. They have money, fame, everything they'd ever want, yet somehow, some remain miserable. Then, there's the people who have nothing. No money, no fame, no life, but some claim to be the happiest people on earth. Why? I didn't understand life. Maybe it's because I'm young, naïve, and have all the adults look down on me for my ignorance and laugh at the things I question because I can't see it through their eyes, see life the way they see it.
If what I was going through was considered 'life', then I think I'd rather be better off dead. No, I know I would rather be dead. I wanted to die, because everyday coming home from school, every time I walked through that front door, it was like opening up the gates of hell itself.
Dad had started drinking. Badly. And he brought his sorrows and hangovers home with him. If it wasn't for Mom...God, if she hadn't of died, he wouldn't have turned out this way. If Mom hadn't committed suicide...maybe Dad wouldn't have done this.
Did she really hate me that much? Was putting me through this, putting Dad through this, her way of getting back at us? I didn't understand her. She was always immersed in drugs, doing whatever she could to escape reality, until the day she finally slipped completely. I don't even know if she realized she was holding up a knife, sliding it across her wrists, or if the whole thing was intentional. I just don't know.
I do know that she must've hated us both. Dad would have...he would have never done this. He loved her so, so much, he cried for her every night, I would hear him moan her name over and over, and I guess he figured alcohol made him forget.
Forget...I wish I could forget, forget everything that ever happened in this stupid house.
As I walked closer and closer to home (I'd stopped taking the bus just to draw out getting there), I looked down at my arm and flinched a little when I noted the scar he'd left on it when he threw the pot of boiling water on it. It wasn't that noticeable unless you were really looking, but it was like a giant red tattoo to me. It had no shape, it was just a glob, but looking at it just made me sick. How could...how could he do this to me? I just didn't understand it.
If this was life, then why? I almost started crying, but bit back tears as I walked down the sidewalk. He'd beat me if I came home crying. Not that I wouldn't be beaten anyway, but crying would only make it worse, but I couldn't help it. And I couldn't tell anybody, not even Kisara, my best friend. I was able to fool her when I told her I accidentally burned myself drinking coffee and had been away from home, and thank God she believed me. So far, she'd been completely oblivious to my dad's beatings.
It was an every night thing. I'd come home, he'd beat me, punch me, kick me maybe, scratch at me with his nails, he even bit me once, yell and scream at me, and then he'd back off. There would be bruises, sometimes cuts, but they were small and healed quickly. Sometimes, though, I'd have to wear a coat or long-sleeved shirt the next day to school to hide the marks. Didn't need teachers sticking their noses into my problems. This was my problem...my life I had to deal with.
The house came into view and as usual, I paused before turning the corner into our yard. I just...I hated this so much. I felt like everyday I was going to snap, but what could I do? He was my father, he was...he was my ruler, my god, and whatever he said went, no ifs, ands, or buts. Still, I clenched my teeth together, feeling like I was about to break them, bit down tears, balled my hands into fists so tight, they dug deeply into my palms, and I sucked in air to prepare myself for his wrath before walking around the corner and up those steps to the thick black door. It creaked upon opening, yelling out my presence for him wherever he was, and then...nothing.
Blinking when no abuse fell onto me, I looked around, expecting him to leap out at me from a corner, but...there was nothing. No sounds, no garbling noises from the TV to let me know if he was in the living room watching it, no beeping or sizzling noises from the kitchen to show that he was cooking, all was silent, and it unnerved me.
I stepped all the way through the door, shutting it behind me, and looked around again. My breathing was heavy, and I tried to bite it down. This...this was seriously scaring me. Where was he? It was like being in a jungle and knowing a big scary lion was waiting around the corner to rip up and tear your flesh apart. I wasn't about to call out for him (again, that would be like calling out to the lion to come get you), so I gripped my backpack a little tighter and began the trek to my room.
If...if I could just stay out of his way tonight, maybe he would be too drunk to notice me? It was a long shot, but it was worth a try.
I tiptoed closer and closer down to my room. All I had to do was make it down that little hallway, close my door, and maybe he would forget about me... Of course, he could just tear down my door anytime. Going to my room didn't make me any safer, but at least I would feel comfort there. I swallowed in anticipation and held my breath when I reached out to nab my doorknob. So close...so close...just turn the knob, Mariku, and you'll be safe...maybe.
"MARIKU..."
Of course, this was life, and my life sucked, so of course he would catch me before I could save myself. My fingers brushed against the handle and I froze. I couldn't...I just couldn't deal with this. I almost started crying. I was shaking. Why couldn't he just--
"MARIKU, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE NOW!"
As usual, he was shouting in that loud freaking voice of his. I could hear him just fine considering his room was right down the hall from mine and that's where the shouting came from, but he yelled like that anyway, if just to make himself known. I dropped my bag next to my door. There wouldn't be a point in trying to do homework tonight. My grades were slipping anyway, so it didn't matter. Again, I swallowed to try and calm myself and walked the rest of the way down the hall toward his room, not wanting to anger him anymore by making him wait.
There was absolutely no sound when I swung his door open and spotted him sitting on his bed, wearing nothing but a flimsy T-shirt and boxers. My dad was very toned for his age, so I could see all of his muscles through that shirt, and I don't know why, but it scared me. It just showed how much stronger he was than I. I was slender, curvy like a girl, and he hated that, and I hated it. Why couldn't I have been broader like he was, how come no matter how much I pushed my body, I gained no muscles? Punishment. It had to be punishment. I did something, and Dad was here to redeem me for it.
"Mariku..." His voice was softer now, and I think that scared me more than having him yell at me. Dad yelled and screamed, he made demands, not asked questions, and this terrified me. I was shaking again, my knees knocking together, and I almost threw up when his arm rose and he motioned for me to come to him. What...what would he do? I was sure to get a beating. His words were slurred as usual and he had dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, like he hadn't slept all night. "Mariku..." I was so scared...
Walking toward him was like a blur. I didn't remember moving my legs, sucking in air so that I wouldn't pass out, taking each agonizing step toward him, step, step, step, but I was suddenly in front of him, standing taller since he was sitting down, and I looked him in the eye. "Yes...sir?"
Muscular tanned arms were wrapped around my waist and he pulled me into him. I was frozen, scared, scared, I was going t-to throw up, I was...God, help me...somebody...please, I'm sorry.
"Mariku...do you know..." Words were still slurred, but easy to understand, and he almost sounded...sad. What brought upon such uncharacteristic calmness from him? H-he should be beating me, he should be hurting me, so why--?! "...how much you look like your mother?"
Shivering violently, I didn't answer, only stood there like a mute and shook. I was so scared. I wanted to cry, scream, let out all my frustrations, but...I couldn't.
"She was...beautiful. Long blonde hair...blue eyes...absolutely perfect...you definitely inherited her good looks, Mariku."
He stood up, towering back over me, and his arms never left me. He staggered a little, showing he was drunk (as always), but the way he was speaking...the way he looked down at me with those dimmed violet eyes...he wasn't all there. He was gone, maybe not physically, but his mind was elsewhere.
A large hand trailed down my waist and I would've thrown up had I not been swallowing down bile to keep myself calm. Stay calm, Mariku...stay calm...this isn't happening, this isn't--Dad isn't really doing this...he's not really touching me like this...THIS ISN'T HAPPENING. "You should've been a girl, Mariku. You...you're too curvy for a boy...no muscles...so slender..."
My teeth were clamped as tight as they could be, but a choked sob managed to escape and I slammed my eyes shut, ready for him to explode on me and begin hitting.
...Nothing...Why...?
"Mariku..."
Ah, there it was. It was only a matter of time. He'd be hitting any second now.
Long fingers were on my chin and it was forced up. A tiny voice in the back of my head screamed and pleaded for me not to open my eyes, just stay still and maybe he wouldn't beat me too hard, but my eyes snapped open, only to close again when I found him right in my face.
"Mariku..."
Cold, cold and wet lips were on mine and I think I really did scream then. My eyes were snapped back open and Dad--GOD, DAD WAS RIGHT THERE, H-HE WAS KISSING ME! God, God, God, I backed up, staggering, falling over, covering my mouth, don't throw up, Mariku, don't throw up, and Dad was there and--
His face changed, morphing into rage, and fists started flying. "MARIKU, YOU LITTLE--" The words were muffled out with the punches and kicks he flung in my direction. I stayed on the floor, covering myself up, writhing around like an insect, and he stood above me, laughing, laughing and screaming and yelling and beating because he was my hell. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Punch, kick, a grunt from me, while I choked and clutched at my stomach. Sick, I was so sick, I want to throw up, and I finally did, all over his floor, and he screamed in rage at that before everything...stopped.
...Why...? That was way too short, he couldn't have been done already.
I had my eyes closed again. I don't know why, it didn't help anymore, but closing my eyes was just an initial reaction. A reflex to his attacks, and they slowly opened when I felt his large hands grasp my knee. "Mariku...God, you look just like her. I didn't...didn't see it before...you're so beautiful..." This was the worst. I've never seen him hallucinate like this before and it had me trapped. What would he do?
I didn't have to wait long for an answer. He threw me down before I could blink and knocked the air out of me, fumbling with my shirt, ripping it at the collar, and I snapped.
No...
No...no...
No, no, no, NO, NONONONO! I WASN'T GOING TO LET HIM DO THIS TO ME!
"Get-GET OFF OF ME, YOU PSYCHO!" My leg flew, I don't remember kicking him, and it made contact with his broad chest, knocking him away from me. Not even pausing for air, I scrambled to my feet, hyperventilating, choking on air, trying to breathe right, and I flew from his room, down the hallway, passed my discarded backpack, through the kitchen, living room, and finally the front door. I tore it open, crying, wailing, sobbing like a child as I leaped down the front steps and ran and ran and ran down the sidewalk, putting as much distance between myself and that hellhole that was supposed to be home.
Dad...Dad, Dad, Dad...why, God, just why? I hated you, I hate you, I hate you!
I cried harder, not reaching up to wipe away the tears, and my heart thumped in my ears, deafening me, but I kept running. I didn't look back, didn't want to see if he was following me, and I kept running.
I had to go somewhere, I couldn't just run without a plan if he intended on following me, he'd only catch me and...I didn't want to think about it. Where could I go? Think, Mariku, think!
A pale face framed with long white hair popped into my head and I rounded a nearby corner, bolting down another street, pushing past the few people who were still out walking and receiving nasty swears from them when I didn't apologize. I didn't care. I just...I didn't want any of this to happen. I didn't mean for it to. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, please, Mom...if I did something to you, then I'm sorry.
I couldn't stop the tears, and so I was blinded while searching for her house, but I was able to recognize the only white house on the block and I rushed up to the door, still sobbing, and banged on it. Please, please be home. I have nowhere else to go. Please, please...
The brown door opened and a narrow pale face greeted me, the blue eyes sparkling when they fell on me. "M-Mariku? My God, what's wrong?" Kisara pulled me into the foyer and closed the door, locking it.
I sank to her floor and covered my burning face, sobbing into my hands, but Kisara didn't look down on me. She knelt next to me, rubbing onto my shoulder, hugging onto me, shushing me and telling me things would be okay. She didn't know, no one knew, but...she deserved to know. She was my best friend. And I was so scared and mad at him...
"D-D-Dad, he-he, God, Kisara, he tried to..." My voice shook and I stuttered horribly. I bit my lip, trying to calm down and get everything out. "He tried to r-ra..." I couldn't, I just couldn't say it. This wasn't real...it wasn't real...
She understood. Her face was drowned in horror and she hugged onto me harder, crying with me. "I'm sorry, Mariku, I'm sorry."
No, don't say that. Why are you saying that? You aren't to blame. It's all my fault.
I was shaking, so cold, cold and freezing, and Kisara was here and she made it all better. Pretty, pretty Kisara. "...Are...are your parents here?"
She shook her head. "No...they went out. Why? Mariku, what's--" I didn't let her finish. I nabbed her face and pulled her into me, receiving a grunt from her as I kissed her, crying into her mouth. She pushed against me a little, but her resistance didn't last long. "Mariku, what are you--"
"Do you love me?"
She looked confused, as if the thought never registered with her. "I don't...Mariku, of course I love you. You're my best friend."
I pulled her into me again, crying into her front, feeling so pathetic, so stupid, like such a child, but she held me back. "I love you, Kisara, please, please don't leave me. Don't leave me alone. I don't want to go back there." I hugged onto her tighter, and she hugged back, never questioning me, never looking down on me. Beautiful Kisara, God, I loved her.
"Shh, it's okay, Mariku. Just stay here. He won't be able to hurt you anymore." She ran her spidery fingers through my hair and it felt so good, her small and warm fingers were soothing against my scalp. "I love you, Mariku."
"Don't leave me."
"I won't."
"Stay with me always."
"I will."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
I kissed her again.
"How much do you love me?"
Again, she looked confused, but it passed. "I...you're like my older brother, Mariku. We've been friends since we were, what, five? Of course I love you."
She didn't understand, she just didn't understand. Nobody did, not even Kisara, whom I loved with every ounce of my being. I leaned into her ear, still crying, but drying up now. "Can I...can I love you?"
She was stiff, unmoving in my hold, but answered. "Y-yes."
I pulled away from her and stared into her face, cupping her pale cheek in my tanned hand. How our skin contrasted so much, it was beautiful and she was beautiful. My fingers grazed her sides, moving up to move through her hair, and she remained frozen until I tried to push her down to the floor.
"M-Mariku, what are you doing?"
I moved on top of her, hugging her, moving my face into her neck. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just love me. "You said I could love you. I want to love you everywhere."
She shook a little and pushed against me, but for once, I was stronger than someone, and I held her down. "I didn't...Mariku, you aren't..."
"Please love me."
"I do love you, but, Mariku--"
"Then, let me do this."
She looked torn, like she couldn't figure out what to do. B-but, she said she loved me, so that meant she would love this! She loved me, SHE LOVED ME, SO IT WAS OKAY IF I DID THIS, RIGHT? I was crying again, dry sobbing, having no more tears to shed from crying so much earlier, and I wanted to be sick all over again. Love, love, I just wanted somebody to love me. All I ever went through was hate and abuse and...I was tired of it, tired of Dad, tired of hate, of life...God, I just hated it all, and I wanted to love Kisara and have her love me back, too.
"Mariku, don't...I don't...I'm not ready for this." Pushing me a little, she tried to sit up, but I held her back down. What was this? If-if she loved me, then I could do this!
"You love me, don't you?"
"I do."
"Please, Kisara."
"Mariku, don't."
She was so weak, it was so easy to hold her down and take her like a doll. I don't remember ever dominating someone like that, being on top of them while they writhed and begged and cried beneath me. So...this was what it felt like, this was what power was, being the almighty, being on top of someone, being the better...I loved it. And I loved Kisara. Her face, her pretty, pretty face was so innocent and beautiful as I laid her down on the floor, in front of the front door, and undressed her. She back talked, begging me to stop, that she wasn't ready for this step yet, and that I was scaring her, but...I loved her, and she loved me, s-she told me so! God, her body, her slender and pale body was so perfect beneath me, and my clothes were gone too.
Two bodies, one pale as moonlight, the other sun-soaked and bronzed, the bronzed one on top, the pale on bottom, and they rocked together, back and forth, back and forth, sweating, tiring, loving each other, the pale on bottom screaming out when she was penetrated, hurting, crying for the one on top to please, please stop, and the bronzed didn't listen, even when she started bleeding. I didn't listen, because I loved her, she loved me.
The rocking continued, back and forth, getting rhythm, and eventually, she started liking it, and I concentrated on her, wanting her to love me, wanting her to feel my love, and so I was slow for her, even though she had bled, it was necessary, and she rocked with me, moaning below me, going up and down, up and down, up--
It was over. We both climaxed, she first, I second, and then everything was a haze. Sniffling...was she crying? Don't cry, Kisara, I only did this because I love you so much. You loved it, I heard you, you can't lie to your body.
I moved next to her, my own tears having dried long ago, and looped my arm over her. "I love you," I whispered into her ear, kissing it. "Please, Kisara, don't leave me."
And she hugged me back, still crying, shaking, shivering. "I...I love you, too, Mariku. I love you. I won't leave you. I love you."
Two bodies, one pale as moonlight, the other sun-soaked and bronzed, both encircled around each other, arms and legs entangled, both crying their eyes out, and they stayed like that for a very long time.
I loved her. I really did. And she wouldn't leave me, she couldn't leave me, I wouldn't let her. I love you, Kisara.
And she loved me, too.