Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ "The Sane are Among the Edible" ❯ 01. ( Chapter 1 )

The Sane Are Among The Edible.

A/N (caution: really boring): I used to be known as ‘Heir to Hell’, (or something like that). Unfortunately, my story, (Disturbed, Demented and Distracted), and pen name (for Mediaminer.org) were deleted because my computer went to a correctional facility, (in other words, Geek Squad) because it was being a moron due to the viruses some idiots decided to brainwash my computer with. And then Geek Squad ended up screwing it up or something... But in the end, the computer came back with limited intelligence, and I had to re-teach it by shoving floppy disks and CD’s down it’s throat.

Thus, I was screwed in the fact that my previous fanfiction had been ripped apart and dismembered.

But at some point in my life, I may re-write those chapters to that story...

...just not now ‘cause I’m a lazy person and a procrastinator... and I have ADHD... ^__^0

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything except the plot.

NOW IT’S INTERESTING!

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Ihjnkfdngkd = thoughts

~“Ihjnkfdngkd”~ = squirrel-ish chattering.

Chapter One :: ‘Normal’ people don’t exist.

[setting: 11 o’clock in the morning: Tokyo.]

It started out on one of those peaceful, quiet, warm, spring days. The days you just want to sit on your porch in your knickers with a keg of booze and your shot gun ready to fire at anything that set foot on YOUR property. But for normal people, (who would have been arrested for such shinanagins), it was a Sunday like any other in which they sat around doing absolutely nothing but watch television, play video games and go to the mall to hang out with friends.

Except for one single, insignificant, puny person sitting in a tree. Okay, fine, he was the soon-to-be-ruler of the world(s) (Not!). But one thing was certain, he was NOT ‘normal’. For one thing, he slept in trees, had three eyes (two were blood-red), transforms occasionally into the Hulk, carried a sword, went to other worlds, and wore a black dress. [a/n: Yes, DRESS. I typed it, so there! :P]

That person, or rather, demon, was named Hiei.

And Hiei sat there, glaring at people, for no apparent reason, in a tree, wearing a black dress. And did just that, for a while...

...Until he saw an ice cream truck approaching.

He WAS a bit hungry and that was his FAVORITE edible human treat. And there WAS nothing to do, after all. And it was just a truck speeding down the street at forty miles an hour.

That’s it! He was going!

As he leapt from his tree to the road where the truck was approaching, he hadn’t noticed the flock of about twenty old ladies feeding pigeons, and knocked them all over like bowling pins. And they rolled like bowling pins too, all the way down the street and into oncoming traffic where they provoked a ten-car pile-up. Luckily, the old people didn’t suffer a scratch, and left to continue the pigeon feedings as the ten cars blew-up, leaving no survivors.

Back to the fire demon who had jumped from the tree and directly into the ice cream truck window, where he crashed through the window and incapacitated the driver. And somehow in those short moments, he managed to shove a bunch of popsicles down his throat. He smiled a crooked, twisted, evil smile, and threw the ice cream man out the window, where he landed on a grassy knoll... And rolled into oncoming traffic where he caused a five-car pile-up on top of the ten-car pile-up. And they all blew up.

So, now we’ve got a hyper fire demon behind the wheel of a vehicle he can’t drive because he never took driving lessons and his feet barely reached the brake. That and the fact he didn’t really care who he ran over.

[5 hours later: Spirit World.]

“Koenma, sir. You should take a look at this,” a blue ogre approached the Demi-god’s desk with a remote and turned the toddler’s television on to the news.

“I am here in downtown Tokyo, where police have been, for nearly five hours, trying to stop a hit-and-run escapade instigated by a twelve-year-old who hijacked an ice cream truck. We have several witnesses also stating that they saw him with a flamethrower, shooting at random pedestrians...”

Koenma sat, still in awe and dumbfounded at the fire demon’s...what was the word?... ‘escapade.’

Finally, the toddler spoke up, “Ogre, can you please get me some Advil and a gun I can shoot myself with?”

___________________________________________________________ ___________________

And here was Hiei, having a marvelous time, killing things, particularly humans. He ran over a few more humans, stopping abruptly. The traffic light had turned red, and some squirrels were waiting at the corner, ready to cross. As they crossed, Hiei took out a Gameboy SP he had conveniently found in the freezer. (And the thing still worked!)

The light turned green and he tossed the hand-held video game out the window where it collided with an old lady’s wrinkly face and she keeled over like a cow. Fortunately, they were doing road work there and she fell down an uncovered manhole. Luckily, it wasn’t an innocent old lady, it was a filthy hag who had extorted money from funds that were to go to thousands of impoverished children to buy her a whole closet of fox coats, (that were made with REAL foxes), so she clearly deserved what she had gotten.

________________________________________________________________ ______________

Yuusuke turned the T.V. on, having just woken up at four o’clock, and viewed the fiasco playing out in downtown Tokyo. They hadn’t gotten a clear shot of the twelve-year-old in the ice cream truck, so who knew it was Hiei? They just said that he had black hair and red eyes, because they clearly had nothing else to keep viewers’ occupied with, and they started babbling on about his looks, comparing him to some local squirrels and a seagull.

The phone rang and Yuusuke picked it up, “Hello?”

“Yuusuke! Did you see the news?!” Kurama was on the other line, and he sounded neurotic.

“Yeah... some gothic vampire hijacked a truck-”

“That’s Hiei, you idiot!”

“Whatever... do you have any toothpicks?”

“Why? And how is that related to our current dilemma?” Now Kurama now sounded slightly...sedated...?

“I need some way to hang cheese from the ceiling in Kuwabara’s house to freak him out. And the whole event will probably lure Hiei there anyway. So, toothpicks?” Yuusuke inquired, after the explanation of the toothpick quandary.

“I don’t have any... meet you at Walmart, then?” The fox asked, very out-of-character.

“Sure. Be there in ten minutes,” Yuusuke said, hanging up the phone.

On the television, several pedestrians, as well as the reporter, and the cops, had all taken out crucifixes and were pointing them at the ice cream truck as it circled the city. Yuusuke looked around his apartment at the stacks of boxes packed with cheese, and smiled proudly at his newest plot. The only thing he had to do was buy the ‘supplies’ and hack the cheese up. Then his plan could commence!

______________________________________________________________ ________________

Hiei had his own plans. He had put on a quilt, a bra, a top-hat, two slippers and three moccasins over his black ‘dress’. Now he looked like a psycho, (which he probably is).

The demon had lured about sixty-something squirrels into the truck with him, and they all wore different odd little costumes- like Barbie clothes, Pineapple suits, sponge suits, Powerpuff girl suits, hello kitty clothes- and were armed with things like toilet brushes, plungers, bras that could be used as slingshots, jockstraps (also used as slingshots), sticks, cardboard boxes, Mace, and other objects too. <---- (But who’s to say they were inanimate objects?)

They neared the docks. Hiei threw all the squirrels out the window, finally jumping out himself before the truck sailed off the dock and into the bay. They said a silent prayer for the dead sweet snow before scurrying into an alleyway, amazingly, unnoticed.

The cops checked out the truck, concluding that the suspect had fled. They called for back-up, while they poked the hit-and-run victims with Q-tips, gnome hats, and other pointy objects.

As a helicopter scoured the rooftops for any sign of the suspect, the police on the ground asked around for the vampire. They had dangled a gigantic crucifix off the helicopter too.

___________________________________________________________________ ___________

Koenma had shot himself sixteen times in the forehead with a handgun, and still, he sat there, very much alive. He was aggravated. The two items he had requested were not working and his father was going to spank him to death. He was aggravated at the fact that he had a headache and the gun wasn’t working due to the fact he was a deity and his father was looming over him with burning hot tongs.

“Ogre, can you shut that object off! My father doesn’t like those things. Remember what happened the last time you turned that thing on during one of his meetings? He shoved it down your throat, literally.”

The Ogre shut the projector off and the image of Koenma’s father with the hot tongs disappeared, “Sorry, Koenma, sir.” The ogre shuddered, remembering the ‘incident’.

“How can I avoid getting spanked?” The toddler asked himself.

“Well, you could just stop Hiei before he blows up Japan,” The Ogre suggested.

“Ogre, I have an absolutely great idea! We can just bomb Japan to ensure that nothing gets destroyed by Hiei, because there’ll be nothing left to destroy!”

“Or... we can just summon Spirit Defense Force or Yuusuke and the other detectives to arrest him... without destroying the entire island...” The Ogre proposed. “I’m sure they’ll have no trouble catching him.”

“You’re fired!”

“WHAT?! FOR WHAT?!”

“For having such a preposterous idea! We simply cannot blow up Japan!”

“WHAT?! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED WE DO THAT, NOT ME!!!”

“Are you suggesting that I want to destroy the entire human world?”

“No, you said we should blow-up Japan.”

“I did not. You must have misheard me. I said that we should summon the proper authorities- Yuusuke and the others and the S.D.F. .”

“I said that, not you!”

“STOP TRYING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR WHAT YOU DID NOT- ooh, a shiny thingie!” Koenma picked up a coin and began stroking it.

The Ogre snatched it up and threw it out a window.

“YOU BASTARD! YOU STOLE MY SHINY!!!” Koenma leapt from his desk and proceeded in strangling the blue creature.

[30 minutes later... -_- ' ...]

“We need to get better cleaning people. They don’t clean properly. Lazy jackasses... Where was I?” Koenma asked, fixing his crooked hat, and dusting his clothes off.

The Ogre crawled out from under the desk, covered in dirt, “You were saying how we should summon the Spirit Detectives to save Japan from Hiei’s wrath.”

“Contact Hiei, Yuusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara,” Koenma ordered. “As for you and me, we’ll get dressed in our super-hero-indispensably-terrific suits!”

“But sir, Hiei’s the one destroying-”

“No time for your petty objections, Ogre. We’ve got a world to save! Suit up!”

Koenma jumped down a hole that appeared when he pushed a big blue button labeled ‘S.H.I.T. suits’ and the Ogre followed him. A blast of green light succeeded the odd quacking of a duck, and Koenma and the Ogre flew out of the light dressed in their S.H.I.T. suits. The Demi-god wore what appeared to be an overly large diving suit, a scuba mask and (like all super-heros) underwear on the outside of his suit. “Dammit! I did it again!” Koenma cursed.

Just before he could really do much, other than curse, a loud pop was heard and the oxygen tank appeared, strapped to his back, and he tipped over. He sighed, “Why do I ALWAYS not change into my teenage-form?!”

He kicked the Ogre, who was dressed in a huge yellow ducky suit, sending the Ogre sailing down the hole where they had changed, and Koenma started yelling, “Ogre! You idiot! Why didn’t you remind me to transform?!”

        & nbsp;   “THIS IS OGRE ABUSE!!! OGRE ABUSE, I TELL YOU!!!” yelled the Ogre from in the hole.

__________________________________________________________________ ____________

“Excuse me, do you know which aisle the toothpicks are on?” Kurama asked one of the Walmart employees. Unfortunately for him, the guy was gay... and was hitting on him.

“Why sure, anything for you, you sexy...”

Kurama ignored Yuusuke’s snickers from behind him.

“... aisle fourteen. By the way, your hair is absolutely fabulous, you must tell me what shampoo you use!”

“Uhh... I’ll go get those toothpicks then, while you tell him about your ‘fabulous’ hair, K- uh, Shuichi,” Yuusuke said, still snickering.

Kurama glared at him.

“Your name’s Shuichi? Like that is SO hot, as are you, my dear,” the Walmart employee said, leaning on the counter with a dreamy gaze directed at Kurama.

Yuusuke took off laughing, leaving Kurama to think up evil plots against the detective.

As Yuusuke glanced around, he found the whole aisle FILLED with toothpicks of all shapes and sizes. The detective started laughing harder.

After laughing, he picked out some toothpicks with blue flags attached. It would be funnier if there was something attached to the cheese, right? But then as his eyes skimmed over the aisle, he found that there were not only toothpicks with flags, but toothpick umbrellas, toothpicks with little lawnmowers attached to them, and, well, just everything you could think up. And they were all different prices.

“Which ones do I pick?!” Yuusuke whined to himself. “What’re you lookin’ at old man?!” Yuusuke yelled at Mr. Takanaka, who was pinned upside-down to the shelves with millions of toothpick umbrellas.

“I’m here from when you knocked me unconscious and pinned me up here last week when you were cutting classes again!” Mr. Takanaka screamed back, some umbrellas coming loose.

“If you were smarter, you’d know you could just wriggle around until you fell off,” Yuusuke remarked.

“And if you were smarter, you would run,” Mr. Takanaka sneered, as several toothpicks shot out and his right arm and left leg were unpinned from the shelves.

And that’s just what Yuusuke did. He dropped the toothpicks he had picked up and he ran for his life... in circles, around the store... like the hopeless cretin that he was.

[12.5 minutes later...]

Yuusuke was screaming like an idiot, being chased by Mr. Takanaka, who was armed with Hostess twinkies. Yuusuke dove into a large box of bags of frozen peas.

“So, sexy, you wanna come over to my place, or what?” the employee asked, batting his eyelashes.

Kurama sweatdropped, “Um... my mother wants me to do something for her... for the rest of my life. So I don’t think I can ‘come over’... ever.”

Behind the red-haired youth, frozen chickens and other unthawed items were being thrown at Yuusuke who ran and crashed into a rack of cookies.

“But you’re so cute! I just love those emerald eyes of yours! They’re so... seducing...”

Mr. Takanaka made a dive to tackle Yuusuke but landed too far from him on the tile floor, “OW... fuckin’... shit!”

“TEACHERS CAN’T CURSE!”Yuusuke yelled, getting up and starting to run.

Kurama was at wits end here and about to strangle the gay guy.

“Are you sure you can’t come over? Just for beer and maybe something afterwards?”

The fox did NOT like where this was going...

“I can curse my fucking ass off if I wanted to, you little...” Mr. Takanaka said, running after Yuusuke who was laughing and screaming like a moron. Well, he’s undoubtably had enough of the little punk. I mean, who hangs people from shelves in Walmart with toothpick umbrellas?

“... You never told me what shampoo you used,” the gay Walmart employee said, running his fingers through Kurama’s long red hair.

Kurama was restraining himself, telling himself over and over again in his mind, Must not kill... no death plants... Koenma will kill me...

___________________________________________________________ ___________________

[A/N: On the contrary, does Koenma even have enough sanity left to administer consequences? For one, he’s wearing a suit labeled S.H.I.T., and, for two, he wanted to blow-up Japan, the coolest place ever! ^__^0]

[Downtown Tokyo: 5 o’clock.]

“Alright, Ogre, tell me where they are!” Koenma yelled, peering about the street as a passerby stared oddly at them.

“Who?”

“The bathroom!” Koenma was jumping up and down. “I need to piss really bad!!”

“Ask someone... I’m busy...”

“With what?!”

“Carrying YOUR oxygen tanks!!”

“But I asked you, you lazy... do you want to freaking die?! I WILL have your head chopped off by Hiei if I have to!!”

The Ogre sighed, “Excuse me, ma’am, do you know where a bathroom would be?”

The woman stared at them, finding it to be a joke since they were dressed in as a rubber ducky and a scuba diver, “Sure, right there.” the woman pointed to a manhole that was uncovered with a sign in front of it reading DANGER. And coincidently, it was the same manhole that hag fell down. The woman seemed surprised, yet on the brink of laughing, when the two actually went toward it and looked down the dark hole, “Hellooooo?” Koenma yelled down.

Since everybody in the town- all the officials and authorities- were currently in search for the ‘twelve-year-old vampire that hijacked the ice cream truck’, there was nobody to tell the two to stray from the hole. And the cretins never saw the sign.

So, like the imbeciles they were, they decided that the dark hole was a perfect place to piss. The woman was even more astonished when Koenma proceeded in pissing in the dark hole. Screams and cursing were heard below as the yellowish liquid cascaded down into the darkness. “It must be a piss-activated talking toilet,” Koenma concluded.

And they continued on their search for whatever-they-are-looking-for...

_______________________________________ _______________________________________

And where was Hiei with his squirrel friends?

They had somehow managed to walk into a fancy restaurant, unnoticed, through the back door. They holed themselves up in the mens bathroom, the squirrels taking interest in the urinals and fancy towels. The fancy towels were shredded immediately and used to make temporary nests in the urinals. And from nowhere, a sign was erected that read THE SWEET-SNOW/SQUIRREL LOVERS CLUB.

“As you all know, our plan to take over the world was foiled by those miserable tree-killing, car-driving, sweet-snow melting, animal-killing, nut-stealing, stupid humans!” Hiei yelled, standing on the row of sinks, with an arm raised as the squirrels cheered.

Suddenly, the door opened, to reveal a human man. Hiei and the squirrels froze, in very ODD positions with shocked looks on their faces. The man edged out of the door, reflecting the same look of astonishment.

~“Fuzzy! I told you to lock the door!”~ Hiei scolded one of the squirrels.

~“No you didn’t! You told Nutty to!”~ the squirrel said.

~“No! He told Nutters to!”~ another squirrel said.

~“He told Fuzzy to!”~ another squirrel insisted.

~“Did not!”~

~“Did to!”~

~“Did no–”~

~“Will you two relax, he told his nuts to,”~ another squirrel said, smoking some onion grass.

In half a second, the squirrel was grabbed by Hiei and tossed out the door into the fancy restaurant as people screamed. The fire demon locked the door, glaring evilly at the squirrels, making them shut-up.

As the panic settled down in the restaurant, the man who had entered the bathroom confronted the manager, “I think there’s a twelve-year-old gothic kid holding some sort of meeting in the mens room with a bunch of squirrels... They made nests in the urinals.”

A bunch of people were also demanding their money back, since the five-star restaurant was ‘infested’.

Some of the waiters and chefs, followed by the manager, went to the mens room to ‘check it out’.

“The door’s locked!”a waiter exclaimed.

“Hold on,” the manager told them. He left and came back with an extremely fat lady, “Ma’am, would you please RAM the door with your body. We’ll reward you with a very large payment and six free dinners.”

She did so... and it worked!

“What the fuck?” Hiei asked, now sitting in the sinks, as he had slipped when the fat lady shot into the room. Several squirrels had shot over and perched on the fire demon. The short demon now looked to be a fat, furry, midget with sixty-something eyes glowing red and thirty-something foaming mouths... not including his own mouth and eyes.

“That’s the endangered manatee!” someone yelled out. “Let’s catch it!”

“I got the nets!” some other guy yelled, pulling some giant fishing nets out of the fat lady’s ass.

Hiei, finding himself cornered, chopped almost all of their heads off and jumped out a window.

________________________________________________________________ ______________

Me: ... odd...

Oh well.

Review... if you dare... otherwise the manatee is gonna die, ‘cause he’s bound and gagged here inside a closet!

Mwuhahahahaha!!