Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ And the Hero will Drown ❯ And the Hero will Drown ( One-Shot )

The night will come and rip away, her wings of innocence through every word we say

“It’s so…strange, I guess. I’m supposed to be this no-good punk kid, the one no one wants, the one who always gets himself into trouble, but is all innocent anyway, and then…this happens.

“I didn’t ask for it, you know. I didn’t ask to be the savior, to be the one everyone looks to in his hour of need. I didn’t really want it, when I started. I wanted to quit, I wanted to stop everything and put my life back on hold. That’s what I was doing, you know, putting my life on hold. I wasn’t taking anything seriously, I was freezing myself in my middle school years.

“It’s funny to think that I could have done something so stupid so few years ago. Only three or four, is that how long it’s been? And I’ve changed so much… Well, I don’t know how much, exactly, but I can think back on a lot of stupid things I did with regret. So I guess I’ve changed enough to realize that, eh? Ha…funny to think of that.

“What I mean is that it’s funny to think of myself now, so hard-eyed, as that innocent little kid, way back when, trying to make a name for himself as a schoolyard punk. It’s like…like night and day, sort of. I used to be like the day-promising on the surface, holding all these hopes for what might be, but really just a prelude to night, to darkness where we blindly guide ourselves and pretend we know where we’re going.

“Now I’m the darkness, or at least I’m more the darkness than I am the promising surface. I’m trying to walk my way through this world that I only half belong in, pretending like I know exactly where I’m going, and how I’m going to get there, and where I’m starting from.

“So I think that’s why I’m resentful. I’m glad I got the chance to meet my friends and all that, and I’m sure my life would have turned out differently if I had stayed frozen in time way back in middle school, but I resent…everything, in a way. I resent not being able to grow up a slack-off kid in a world that’s just too hard. I know that sounds stupid, because I shouldn’t prefer being a slacker if I have the opportunity to be so hardworking, but it’s just how it is.

“Everything I’ve ever said, everything I’ve ever done… It all built me into the person I am today. And I wish I could say I have no regrets.”

maybe it's time, to spit out the core of our rotting union hopefully before it chokes us to our senses.

“In certain ways, I’ve always been a cheater. I cheated death, and in that, I cheated life. The two go together that way. And I suppose, if you wanted to, you could consider thievery to be the greatest sort of cheating; in that case, I am very much guilty. I don’t really mind that so much. All the cheating was done out of necessity; the stolen life to preserve myself from the horrible fate of death… The thieving to prevent an otherwise unoccupied fox from growing too bored and losing his lust for life…

“I never really thought of it that way. Everything I stole, I did to keep my life. I realize that it’s quite selfish, now that I say it out loud. Yet in the face of all that, I regret…nothing. Nothing from the life I lead as a fox, as a wily trickster devoid of loyalties and silly things like friends. I learned from my mistakes and I grew strong, for my time. Nothing from my life as a detective for the spirit realm, living with and among humans and blending into their environment.

“I spent the last few years pretending to be something I’m not, pretending to be a normal human boy rather than some sick hybrid creature, half myth, half prodigy. I might wish for more time to myself, more time to be free, and space to run, but that is no regret. That is merely a desire, and we all have hundreds of those. Money, power, fame-it’s all there, roiling beneath the surface, being tamped down by conscience.

“The fox in me desires freedom, he craves it. He has been denied for far too long, I know, and I cannot hope to understand how I keep him at bay. But I do, and I must be content with that. Of course, not grasping how it works, I cannot hope to predict how much longer it will last. I often contemplate running from this fake humanity, back to the life I once knew. I will leave behind the rotting corpse I have come to know and rely on, and I will once more be free to do as I wish. I must escape this veiled hell before it kills my burn for freedom, before it kills my soul. That’s right, I said soul. As far as I’m concerned, I only have one. I’m not that different.

“So you see, I’m no glory child. I’m selfish, so as to keep misgivings barred from my senses. I do all I can for myself, by myself, using others to attain my ends. I pretend, I lead a life of pretend, and I won’t let anyone in on that little secret. I’ll pretend until the day I die. I’ll pretend to be perfect, I’ll pretend to be human, and then one day it’ll all just be…gone.

“I’ll leave, and I’ll never come back. And I will have no regret.”

Guess it's too bad, that everything we have is taken away.

“It’s too bad, really. The way my life turned out. I did everything I could to make it right, but there are some people who just aren’t meant to walk a straight line. I know I’ve been walking a row of jagged edges. Spikes, you might say. The sort of thing where falling might very well kill you.

“I started off well enough, I guess. Taken in, given shelter and food. Sure, someone would attempt to murder me practically every day, often with accomplices, but I took care of that. Nothing ever really got to me. No matter how pathetic my life was, or seemed to outsiders, I was happy. Sure, I wasn’t doing anything worthwhile with myself, but I didn’t know that. I didn’t care. I had more than a lot of others, and that made me happy.

“It was when I left that my life really started going to hell, breaking loose. I left because I was shunned, and as I think back on it, that might have been the best thing. Those thieves are probably long dead, and here I am today, accepting my role as heir to an entire third of my homeland. The homeland that would just as well have seen me fall off the physical plane.

“But you know, that’s bound to go, too. Nothing lasts forever, and you take your comforts where you can. Friends to help fend off the demons in your heart, in your mind. Allies, you might call them. But those friends, those allies will die. That land, that kingdom will corrode. I won’t be around to see it all fall apart. I don’t want to. I don’t want my death to be slow, or put off. I want it to come and I want it to be efficient.

“It’s odd, to hear all of this. I mean really hear it, as though for the first time. To hear myself talk about it as being ‘too bad,’ or ‘such a shame.’ This is my life I’m speaking about, not some little trial gone wrong. Is it true that I just don’t care that much? I don’t know. It’s possible. After all, there isn’t much to care about. Was there ever, really?

“Well, if I don’t care now, I don’t see how I ever could have.

“Maybe I just regret the future.”

Swim in the smoke the hero will drown intoxicating beauty tears everything down

“I’ve never heard, from anyone, that life is supposed to be clear or easy. I’ve only heard the opposite, actually, that life is confusing and pretty hard. I believe it; there aren’t really clear lines anywhere. The one that’s supposed to be clearest of all-the one between good and evil-doesn’t even exist. It’s not worth it to pretend.

“So when I’m called on to be the savior, to be the guy no one believes in who will have the upper hand just because no one believes in him, I’ll follow along. I’ll go and try to save everyone, but that’s just because…it’s what I do. It’s what I should do. It’s the right thing, so I do it.

“But I don’t mean to say that I believe. I might. I might not. When it’s one against one million, and I have the chance to save that many lives, I will. I won’t ask questions, I won’t make second guesses. I’m stupid that way, you could say. I should have a reason to fight, a reason to believe, but I don’t. I don’t see anything beyond what’s right in front of me. Mission X is killing all of Mission Y? Okay, let’s get rid of the bad guys. Mission Y is killing all of Mission X? Okay, let’s get rid of the bad guys.

“But I never ask ‘Why are they killing each other? Who’s really the bad guy?’ Is he the one who doesn’t believe what I believe? I guess so. I need to be strong to fight for what’s right, and I can’t afford to have my opinions changed or muddled up by smoke and mirrors. Whatever looks pretty on the outside must be what’s right, because it’s what I want.

“If I’m going to be the one to save everyone else, even if it’s because no one believes in me, then I can’t afford to change. I can’t let myself get confused. I can’t suddenly play for the other team.

“So I might as well just fight for myself. After all, who else knows what's right?”

but still our hands are

“I can’t change what I’ve done, and no matter how much I wish I hadn’t, I don’t know if I would have made changes.”bound at the wrist“I’ve tied myself down to a world I can no longer escape, and I can’t even manage to try.”this romantic tragedy is suffocating from your fist,“If only I hadn’t kept things going the way they have, I might have come out of all of this with myself still intact.”

in a sea of fire.

“Everyone is an enemy when you can’t tell right from wrong, but when everyone has a reason, it gets a little harder.”

Guess it’s too bad, that everything we have is taken away.

“We want to be recognized, we want to be praised. That’s not why we fight, but secretly, deep down in our hearts, we burn to hear that we’ve done well, that we’ve made a difference. When we tell ourselves, or when we tell each other, it’s just something we need to say, just something we all know already but need to hear as a poor substitute for the admiration of others, of outsiders.”

“If someone told me I’ve done right with my life, there might not be so much to worry over and rethink when I get the chance to go back to what I might have been.”

“If someone told me I’ve done good in the world, there might not be so much to keep out of myself when my barriers begin to blend into each other and secrets take their leave.”

“If someone told me I’ve made someone’s life better, there might not be so much to over-think about the future when it isn’t even here yet.”

“If someone told me I’ve made the best decision, there might not be so much to consider when what is right needs to be set apart from what is wrong.”

“If someone told me I was their hero, there might not be so much to do the wrong way.”

Hero, Hero, this word you'll never know.

“I’ll never be what I was supposed to be.”

“I’ll never tell anyone the truth about myself.”

“I’ll never go back and redo my life with different choices.”

“I’ll never know if my decision was best one for everyone else.”

“I’ll never be anyone’s hero.”

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

I've been told that this helps understand the story, especially at the end. A re-organized and re-formatted replica of the layout I used to write it.

Yûsuke:
The night will come and rip away, her wings of innocence through every word we say

Kurama:
maybe it's time, to spit out the core of our rotting union hopefully before it chokes us to our senses.

Hiei:
Guess it's too bad, that everything we have is taken away.

Kuwabara:
Swim in the smoke the hero will drown intoxicating beauty tears everything down

Yûsuke:
but still our hands are

Kurama:bound at the wristHiei:this romantic tragedy is suffocating from your fist,

Kuwabara:in a sea of fire.

All:
Guess it’s too bad, that everything we have is taken away.

All, Yûsuke, Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara, All

All:
Hero, Hero, this word you'll never know.

Yûsuke, Kurama, Hiei, Kuwabara, All
Converting /tmp/phpg64X4v to /dev/stdout