Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ Balance ❯ What I Believe In ( Chapter 25 )

Disclaimer: Moe's-the tavern where nobody knows your name.

Balance

Chapter Twenty-Five: What I Believe In

He laughed. Or, as close to a person could get to laughing, considering the circumstances. It was more a spasm of a cough, but the man in the mirror looked to him questioningly all the same.

It's all very funny, he said softly. You are a slave to the night because I fear revealing my fears. I fear revealing you to those I love. That makes you into me-you must appear only under the cover of darkness, you must reveal what is hidden beneath the surface when no one is around to see. We are the same because we both must hide behind a veil, a shadow of what we might be.

`We might be the night?' the man asked. `We cannot be the night. A person cannot be something so powerful as the darkness surrounding him.'

Not the night, he said. We might be the darkness. We might be a shield.

They sat in silence for a long time. The sky grew darker and things seemed to glow as the scenery shifted from the pleasant shine of day to the subtle luminosity of dark. Shadows that might have been people disappeared as the trees melted into the blackness and the stores all closed. The streetlights went on.

The man in the mirror looked at him.

`We?' the man asked with all the innocence of a child. Fear knew no "we." There was only "me."

Did I say that? he asked softly. We are the same person, I suppose. It is only natural that I should call you and me "we."

`You have accepted your fear,' the man said, seeing his chance to win the discussion. Everything had a winner and a loser and this was no exception. `You know we are one and the same.'

I suppose I do… he said in a whisper that barely passed his lips. I cannot run from what is meant for me any longer… If I am destined to be so intertwined with you, with…this…part of myself, then so be it. Who am I to run from fate? I am no god.

`I thought you didn't believe in fate.'

I don't know what I believe in any more…

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Yuusuke sat against the wall, concentrating on panning out his senses to find Hiei and Kurama. Kuwabara would have done the same, but, well, why bother? Yuusuke was doing a good enough job for both of them, and as Kuwabara was still emotionally weary from the entire ordeal with the dead youkai, he didn't know how accurate he could be.

Yuusuke held up a hand slowly, his eyes closed, and pointed at an angle into a far off wall. "There," he mouthed, letting his eyes open again. He balked slightly when he noticed that he was pointing to a solid wall.

"Down this way, then," Kuwabara said hesitantly. Yuusuke nodded.

"Right, I'll be our personal Hiei tracker," Yuusuke said sarcastically, completely dropping Kurama from the statement. Kuwabara didn't seem to notice. "That'll be fun, won't it?"

Kuwabara nodded absently, already starting off in the direction his friend had indicated. "C'mon," he said distractedly. "They can't be too far off, the place isn't that big."

Yuusuke snorted. "Were you even looking at this mansion when we came up to it?" he asked with scorn dripping from his tone. "The place is enormous! We'll be lucky if they're close by."

"I was a little distracted by my friend's emotional turmoil," Kuwabara retorted. "Just a little! So no, I didn't notice how huge this place is, sorry about that." Yuusuke waved it off with a casual motion of his hand and the pair continued around the corner closest to the "Hiei sense."

"This way," Yuusuke would occasionally dictate, pointing one direction or another. Kuwabara followed quickly and without protest, not even trying to sense the little youkai for himself. They had only been pacing about for fifteen minutes when Yuusuke stopped suddenly, without explanation. Kuwabara stopped with him.

"He's around this corner, I think," Yuusuke said softly, "but there's something…out of whack, something menacing about his ki. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I don't feel-it doesn't feel right to interrupt him."

Kuwabara looked at his friend with an eyebrow cocked and his mouth twisted in a curious way. "Out of whack?" he repeated. Yuusuke nodded.

"Yeah…something negative, almost threatening, even. Maybe we should wait."

"He'll get mad," Kuwabara countered. "If he knows we're here and we don't offer our help or anything. He'll be mad."

"Or he'll be mad that we interrupt him," Yuusuke reminded his friend. "It's a no-win situation. We'd better leave for awhile, stay on the safe side."

Kuwabara looked about ready to accept the decision, but then realization assaulted his features and he shook his head with a vigor. "What about Kurama?" he asked. "Something could be seriously wrong."

Yuusuke glared at the ground, annoyed at the dilemma he now faced. Possibly help Kurama at the risk of angering Hiei? Ignore it all and be sure to stay on Hiei's good side? But what if helping Kurama wasn't really helping anyone at all, and only angered the redhead, as well? Or what if Hiei wanted them to interrupt? Or what if it could save Kurama's remaining sanity? Or what if it could give Kurama and Hiei a much needed moment to sort themselves out? Or what-

"Urameshi!" Kuwabara snapped. "We need to do something!"

"Kyaa!" Yuusuke wailed. "I don't know! Let's just come back later!"

"We might be needed!"

"I know, but what if we're not?"

"What if we are?"

"FINE!" Yuusuke shouted suddenly. "Hiei!" He stormed around the bend with Kuwabara on his heels. "What the hell is-"

The pair froze at the scene before them.

"Going…on?"

Long minutes ticked by before Kuwabara spoke.

"The question still stands, you know…"

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For all his mood changes, for all his blind fury, for all his apparent loss of control…Kurama was exhibiting extreme vulnerability.

Tears glittered in his eyes as he looked up at Hiei pinning him down. The hiyoukai almost felt guilty as he watched the twitching kitsune below him, but he wouldn't let go. Kurama appeared ready to break, ready to tell him what was wrong. He couldn't lose this opportunity…but Kurama looked so…frail.

"Kurama," he whispered. "Tell me what's wrong. When you tell me, it'll all be over. I promise."

"You can't promise a thing like that…" Kurama murmured, turning his head to look aside. "You have no control over this… It's only her, only she knows what can stop this madness, only she can bring it down… You can do nothing."

Hiei looked away, opposite the direction Kurama had turned. He hated to admit it, but his friend was right. There was nothing he could promise. Anything he did try to pledge would be broken when they met up with Miru, finally, and then Kurama would remind Hiei that the promise had been broken and their relationship would be back to square one.

"You're right," he relented. "I can't promise anything. But if you tell me, I can try to help. I don't know how much I can, but I can try my very hardest."

Surprisingly, Hiei didn't feel dirty or disloyal to himself after the admission. He was being submissive, he was being weak, but it was all true. He would try as hard as he could to help Kurama, and he wanted to. That might have been the most surprising thing; he really wanted to help. But why? Because Kurama was his partner, of course, and he needed anyone working with him to be in peak condition and always at their best. He wanted Kurama to be clear of mind.

But why? He needed it, to be sure. He wanted it as well. Why? It was rare to want the things he needed. This was…odd. He knew that somewhere deep in his heart, there resided emotions for the kitsune, but…what kind? What did this mean? It was more than a simple attraction, maybe. He knew that already; he had known it for awhile. But how far?

But this wasn't about him or his problems or his emotional confusion. This was about Kurama.

"I want to tell you, Hiei, I really do," Kurama choked out, "but I don't think it will help much. I don't know as much as I think I do. And Hiei, I'm so tired… I can't deal with this anymore. I'm so tired…"

What a peculiar thing to say. Hiei nodded anyway, carefully keeping a smiled from his face. "Okay," he said calmly. "Okay. Anything you know will help, I'm sure." Help us help you, if not the mission.

Kurama heaved a shaking breath, letting it out in a small cough. Hiei let up his knee and helped Kurama sit up, guiding him back to lean against the wall. The kitsune tried to sigh again, this time getting it out in a series of short breaths instead of a choke.

"I've never been on speaking terms with Miru, so to say," he began quietly. Hiei strained to hear him. "I don't know how much about her I could tell you. Not much, I would think, but I will tell what I know."

Hiei nodded when Kurama didn't continue. "That's all we can ask of you, Kurama," he said simply.

"Well, it's a broken story, really," Kurama began again. "I don't remember it very well, or maybe it would be more accurate to say I don't know how accurate my memories are."

Another pause, and Hiei realized what was going on. "Kurama, if you're going to tell the tale, then you have to tell it," he said. "I don't care what you do or don't know. We'll fill in the gaps when we find Miru herself. Just…say what you do remember."

This time, Kurama nodded and let his eyes slide shut.

"It was a very long time ago. Back when I was Youko, you understand. I was not as strong as I could have been-only low A or so. My gang and I had just completed a rather complex heist from a well guarded manor belonging to some rich old tyrant or another. The haul was good. I kept more than a few artfully decorated goblets. Pure crystal with precious stones set into the base, things like ruby and aquamarine, like that. Things with colors to offset each other. Some were gilded with silver, others with gold. The gold ones were quite pretty, really, a nice blend of subtle and outstanding hues."

Hiei nodded acceptingly. If Kurama wanted to ramble on about things he supposedly "didn't remember all too accurately," then Hiei wasn't going to stop him. He didn't know what consequences could arise from interrupting Kurama.

"Well, my gang and I reached a haven for ourselves-a cave, you understand. Not very large, but it would hold us all for a night or so until we could regain our strength and our wits and run off somewhere farther away. The cave was fairly well hidden, considering it was all natural. By moss and other rocks and things. It felt homier than I might have expected from that region.

"We reached the cave, or at least, where the cave was supposed to be. There was a young girl there, of all things. A young youkai. One of our more adept members instantly identified her type of power, but it was not a plant type, so it was odd that she would be where she was. She couldn't use the trees there for cover-they were too tightly packed, growing too close together. I could barely maneuver them to let my entire group beyond to the cave. Well, she couldn't use the abundant plant life to hide herself; it was all too tightly packed or growing too low to the ground. Things like moss and ivy, and trees. So I wondered why she was there.

"I asked her, as was the natural thing to do. Maybe she could help us, even. I had to find out. She said she was waiting for her mission to be completed. Said she had a bomb planted in a mansion not far from where we stood, and when it exploded she was supposed to sneak back and finish her task. I asked her what sort of mission a weak creature like her could hope to accomplish in a fairly high class area such as this, and she said it wasn't hers. She was on a mission for her lord or some such thing. I didn't believe her at all."

At this point, Hiei thought that Kurama must be lying a little, to give himself some cover and save a bit of his pride; it was too out of Miru's character to take orders from someone else, even if she was young and weak. Why Kurama felt the need to save his image, he wasn't certain, but he was sure to find out soon enough. Hiei nodded encouragingly and Kurama pressed on.

"Then-well, then the bomb went off, or so it sounded. She was frantic. It wasn't supposed to go off for another half hour and she wasn't prepared. She said she had been instructed to plant the bomb in a nearby lord's mansion and under the cover of debris and things, smuggle out one of the servants there, but it was too soon and she hadn't finished getting ready. None of my group really believed her, of course, but we had no proof. I asked her what had gone wrong, where her prize was now and why she was so panicked, and she explained to me that the bomb she had received had had faulty wiring. She was not of the Quest class, as I was, and could not create bombs of her own. She said she had bought it off of some small time dealer, I think. Well, it appeared to her that the dealer didn't want to waste his time selling good merchandise, so he spent moments creating bomb look-alikes with lots of wires and a possibility of success. Then she, like a little fool, had thought it would work and used it for a mission as important as this."

Another lie, Hiei sensed, but this time Kurama genuinely believed what he said. Was he going even further off the edge, losing his mind even more? No, Hiei couldn't allow himself to believe that.

"I said she was lying," Kurama said in the same tone. "I told her she couldn't possibly have gotten such a faulty bomb and used it for such a mission, not under the instruction of a lord with such intricate plans." Hiei ignored the fact that the plans did not seem intricate at all, but rather painfully simple and libel to go wrong.

"After a long while, she admitted that she had tried to make the bomb herself and gone horribly wrong. She had not the slightest idea what she was doing, not that it seemed to matter. I only assumed she had been lying from the start; no lord dictated her action, she was not smuggling out any slave, and the bomb had been worked on for months, probably, even years. Her pride would not let her admit such a thing, of course. It didn't matter and I didn't ask, but I was satisfied with the knowledge that she was a liar. It was a good thing to find someone who knew to lie, even if she couldn't do it well.

"As you may expect, the lord she had been attacking for whatever reason-probably to make a small name for herself…children in those days had such wild ambitions. The lord, in any case, had many, many slaves, and they were all very, very weak. I knew a few by name-names like Miaka and Kurokyoui. There were thousands, maybe millions. An explosion gone wrong such as the one she had tried was bound to have killed off a few, and it was only later that I discovered over half the slaves had died, dividing the lord's production by more than half. He was a provider for Mukuro of crops or some such thing, food for her slaves. She would not be pleased at all, and I suspect she had him killed. I heard nothing of him for as long as I lived."

Hiei nodded again. For someone who knew as little as Kurama claimed to, this tale was surprisingly informative. Miru was a bitch with a vengeance, apparently, and for some reason she wanted Kurama. And by the sounds of the tale, and his actions recently, she was driving him insane. She would pay.

"She also suspected that the lord would be killed, and being high class as he was-high A or something, I believe-he would realize that his life was on the line, and he would want to know who had caused this…travesty. Miru certainly would not take the blame. She was wily, even at that age and that low level. So she blamed the first creature she saw. She blamed me."

Hiei stopped himself from interrupting with the comment that Kurama had done no such thing and he seemed to know it. This was not the time.

"I told her it was clearly not my fault, but she would not rest. She went on and on, yelling for everyone to hear that I had `accidentally' planted a bomb of some sort at the lord's house and it had killed off all those servants. I would not allow myself to be ruffled, and she seemed to take it as a challenge. She would not rest, she kept yelling and screaming and blaming me…and it wouldn't stop…

"But I knew it wasn't," he said in an attempt to recover himself. "I said it was her fault, not mine, and she knew it the same way I did. She insisted it wasn't, that it was mine. I said I had no time for her lies and my group and I escaped with all our bounty."

Hiei waited for a long time. Kurama seemed tired now that his tale was through; he lay down, curled up on the floor with his back stretched along the wall and Hiei could practically envision a pretty silver kitsune lying there, half asleep. But Kurama was not currently a pretty silver kitsune, he was a distressed creature who Hiei was in a sort of position to help. Hiei let him rest for another few minutes before prodding him awake.

"So why does Miru get you so upset?" he asked kindly, trying to let his eyes express his emotions. Kurama let his eyes fall to slits.

"I don't know who really set that bomb all those years ago, Hiei. I don't know whose fault it was that all those youkai died and Mukuro lost a year's worth of crops for her servants. I don't know who's responsible for that lord's death. I only know what I tell myself, but I've long lost sight of how right or wrong I am. Hiei, I'm too tired to wonder if I'm lying to myself. I'm too tired for all of this. I should have given up a long time ago, but…I don't know why I didn't. I suppose that…well…things kept coming up." He laughed in a short, harsh bark. "That sounds so juvenile, doesn't it? So pathetic. Things kept coming up and that's why I'm still alive. Something out of a humorous movie, perhaps."

Hiei stroked Kurama's hair. "No, fox. It's not pathetic. It's true."

"Mmm…" Kurama purred as Hiei petted his hair. "Hiei…?"

Not liking where this conversation might be going, but unwilling to deny Kurama anything in his current state, Hiei nodded to no one who could see. "Yes?"

"You said you loved me…"

Hiei felt a light blush rise to his cheeks. "Yes…"

"Were you lying?"

A cough this time. A placeholder, a time filler.

"No…"

I don't know whyI love you, Hiei thought silently. Maybe it's nothing, maybe it's only lust. Who am I to know? But if you need love, then that's what I'll give you, Kurama. I'll be there for you.

"Do you want to hear why I don't know who set the bomb, Hiei?"

No sense lying now. "Yes, Kurama, I want to know very much."

Kurama sighed. "Miru sent me letters. Messages, almost every day, for hundreds of years after that incident, up until my relocation to Ningenkai. They were all sent in different ways, all arrived in different ways, but they were all the same." He smiled weakly, falsely.

"`The eyes of God are upon you,'" he quoted, his eyes still closed. "`You will not escape your sins. You will burn in Hell for your guilt.'

"The event, the explosion was a long time ago, Hiei… I don't remember it anymore. Not really. A long time ago, I started to think that it really was my fault. Or at least, I think that's how it went. Maybe I've always known. But it's been so long…and I don't quite remember things the way I may have at one time.

"I taught myself right away that Miru was a liar, so her messages might have changed my mind. I instantly convinced myself of my innocence. But the messages kept coming, and coming, and coming, for years and years and years, and I lost sight of reality. I don't know if memories were reawakened or if she planted in my head things that were never true, but I began to think it really was my fault. Yet at the same time, the part of me that had instantly decided she was lying, that it wasn't my fault? That part of me wouldn't go away. I started going insane, Hiei, a long time ago. And now it's all just rushing back without any warning… I thought I was beyond this, I really did. But I don't think my mind can take it, not again. I'm… I don't know, I'm just… Hiei, I'm too old for this…again… I can't do it again…"

That was the final thread to break. Hiei was fed up with Miru, with the way she had hurt Kurama. The kitsune wanted Hiei to love him, whether he did or not, and at the moment, that was the only thing Hiei had going for him. Maybe it was the only thing that could save Kurama's last bit of mind. In the back of his head, Hiei heard voices that sounded like Yuusuke and Kuwabara, but he ignored them, convinced that he was only paranoid.

"Kurama," he said, blood pounding in his skull and distracting his rational thoughts. "Do you want me to love you?"

Kurama sat up slowly, locking eyes with Hiei. His usual clearness was gone, replaced by a frantic mess of emotion.

"Yes," he said firmly. "I need something solid in my life, Hiei. I need something to hang on to. I need an anchor. I don't just want you to love me. I need you to love me."

Close enough.

"Okay," Hiei said easily.

"Hiei! What the hell is-"

"I love you."

Kurama flung himself around Hiei in a rapturous hug and Hiei slowly became aware of their two spectators.

"Going…on?"

Kurama remained oblivious, or at least he didn't care, and Hiei was truthfully entertained by Yuusuke's and Kuwabara's shocked expressions. That all lasted for at least five minutes, giving Hiei ample time to fix the stunned gazes in his memory.

Kuwabara cleared his throat.

"The question still stands, you know…"

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Youkai: demon

Ki: power

Hiyoukai: sort of pet fanon name for Hiei, loosely translated as fire demon

Kitsune: fox

Ningenkai: human realm

Note: eheh. Super short dream this time, but it would be overkill to pad out the beginning, and that was a perfect place to end it. It can be made up for by the extra length of the dream last chapter and the information given in this one.

Other note: ha! You were expecting Kurama and Hiei to be kissing when Yuusuke and Kuwabara found them, weren't you? Don't deny it. I was about to do that, but then I thought, "Wait a second, that's what they're expecting me to do!" And thus, the chapter was completed as is.