Yu Yu Hakusho Fan Fiction ❯ BITE ME! (The Princess Bride, Yu Yu Style) ❯ Contests ( Chapter 5 )

DISCLAIMER: We don't own ANYTHING. Even the plot belongs to the creators of The Princess Bride. Pathetic…although Li and Adara and Ava DO belong to us, so that's SOMETHING, anyway…

 

AN: WE'RE BAAAAAAAACK! hugs everything and everyone within reach Yippee!!!!!!! And we'll try to NEVER go away again!

 

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(Chapter 5)

 

Kuwabara walked behind Sakyou, carrying Kurama carefully as he avoided jostling the redhead's leg. They entered a huge, rocky meadow and Sakyou motioned for them to stop. “We'll wait here for Chu. But the he-she down and—”

 

“Run for your lives?” a cold voice above their heads asked.

 

The three of them looked up and blinked. “What the—?” Sakyou murmured as he beheld the masked man standing on a boulder four feet above their heads.

 

“What? Were you expecting to find your blue-headed flunky?”

 

Sakyou sighed. “Well…yes, to be blunt.” He turned to Kuwabara. “This is very disappointing. Kill him.”

 

Kuwabara seemed to wilt a bit. “O-okay…”

 

Satisfied, Sakyou took Kurama from Kuwabara, grabbing the redhead's arm and pulling him towards a hill in the distance, ignoring the grimace of pain on the injured man's face.

 

“Sir!” Kurama called back to the masked man. “Leave Kuwa alive and you can have this one for free!” He pointed to Sakyou. “It's sort of a buy-one-get-one-free sale, except you have the free without the buy and the merchandise is pathetic!”

 

Sakyou glared, Mask smirked, and Kuwabara laughed uproariously. “Fair enough, little duck. He won't be harmed,” Mask said. “But if he should best me in a fight, the freebie's death falls to you.”

 

“Enough!” Sakyou yelled, though his voice hardly inspired the awe he wished for. “Kuwabara, kill him!” He dragged Kurama off and left.

 

Kuwabara and mask stood there, staring at each other. “So…do we fight?” Kuwabara asked.

 

“We could,” Mask replied. “Or you could walk away and let me go after the redhead.”

 

Kuwabara considered for a moment. “I actually like that plan.”

 

Mask looked confused. “Huh?”

 

“Well, it seems like we both want the same here. We both want Sakyou gone and the prince safe. I don't have it in me to be a hero, so I'll do the next best thing and let you be one.”

 

Mask blinked. “All riiiight…”

 

“So should we…pretend to fight? In case Sakyou's watching?”

 

“I…suppose.”

”So what does that entail exactly? Would I have to…touch you?”

 

Mask stepped backwards. “Unnecessary.”

 

“Okay. So what do we do now?”

 

“Er…say something that will make me want to hit you. And say it loudly, in case the Repulsive One is watching.”

 

“Um…okay. Uh…SHRIMP!”

 

“Erm…STRETCH!”

 

“BRAT!”

 

“JERK!”

 

“DEMON CHILD!”

 

“Actually, there's something you should know…”

 

“FREAK!”

 

“HUMAN!”

 

“Yes I am, and proud of it, you pathetic, lousy little excuse for a swordsman!”

 

“Lousy? I'll show you lousy…” The masked man grinned evilly, and swung his sword.

 

Kuwabara just barely managed to dodge, called his own sword, raised it, stared at his masked opponent for a minute…and ran away.

 

Mask blinked. “What the f—?”

 

“I don't want to hurt anyone!” Kuwabara yelled, running in circles around the area. “But I don't want to get hurt, either!”

 

The man in black sighed and lifted his sword, running in circles after Kuwabara. “Oh, come now! My other runs faster than that, and she has one leg! It's a peg leg!” He was exaggerating this time, of course—he had no mother—but Kuwabara took him seriously.

 

“Hey…that was below the belt…”

 

“I didn't think so.”

 

“Well it was.”

 

“I'm bored.”

 

“Yeah…maybe you should go after Sakyou now. Do something that would knock me out…under normal circumstances. I'll pretend to be unconscious and you can go save Kurama. Just don't really knock me out.”

 

Mask smirked and, raising his sword, hit Kuwabara over the head with the hilt. When Kuwabara hit the ground face-first, another smirk crossed his face under the mask, and the man in black put his sword away. “Sorry,” he told the body on the ground. “I don't take requests.”

 

XXX

 

Meanwhile, at the scene of Chu and Mask's duel Karasu and his flunkies were…well, what do you call it? Investigating? No, tracking. Let's just say they're tracking.

 

Karasu, now wearing a ridiculous purple tunic, was examining the footprints. “There has been a great duel here!” he said triumphantly.

 

“Very good, sir,” Yomi droned. Karasu wasn't as good at tracking as he, of course. Yomi already knew who had won—Faceless Fighter A, not Faceless Fighter Z—and that he had gone in the direction of the other footprints. But it was just funnier to watch the idiot prince frolic around, trying to figure it out on his own. Yomi knew he could easily win in a duel against Karasu and become king, but this was not the…opportune moment.

 

XXX

 

“Hey, grandpa!” Shura interrupted.

 

“What is it?!”

 

“Why is every Count Rugen in this book crossed out and replaced with your name?”

 

“I don't know what you're talking about…okay, now, we're back at the cliffs, right where Karasu said…”

 

XXX

 

“I feel a song coming on!” he announced.

 

“What!” shouted a soldier.

 

“No, my lord.”

 

“Please!”

 

“Spare us!”

 

Karasu smiled and began to sing. “I…am mightier than the gods. The devil is my slave.”

 

“Nooooooo!”

 

“More beautiful than the goddess. I put her face to shame.”

 

“Whyyyy? Why us?”

 

“Oh, look at me, what do you see?”

 

“The worst singer ever to walk the earth!”

 

“There's no one greater than me.”

 

“Yes, there is! There is!”

 

“I am the king, the best you've seen, so worship me!”

 

Yomi finally lost it and began to chase Karasu in circles, waving his sword. “SHUT UP, YOU STUPID LITTLE TROLL!”

 

XXX

 

Sakyou brought Kurama to the peak of a hill. It was mostly grass except for a large flat boulder sitting right in the center of the area. Kurama sank down to the grassy plain to rest, drawing in a few deep breaths.

 

“Might I ask what you plan to do when we reach the Gilder Frontier?” Kurama asked.

 

Sakyou began setting up a picnic for no obvious reason. “Well, I was just going to slit your throat, leave you to slowly bleed to death, then stop for coffee. With or without the oaf.”

 

“Sorry I asked…” Kurama sighed. “I hope someone gets here soon…before I slit my own throat.”

 

“Oh, you can use my dagger if you'd like. Saves me the trouble of killing you myself.”

 

“Don't hold your breath. Making things harder for you is just too much fun.”

 

“Oh, by the way, I'm going to need to tie your hands together.”

 

“Sure, why not. Who do I look like, Karasu?”

 

Sakyou just gave him a “Duh” look.

 

“Never mind, don't answer that. Just tie up my friggin' hands already.”

 

XXX

 

Speaking of which, the idiot prince and his posse were not too far behind. In all honesty they could have been right on the Mask's trail if Karasu didn't have to stop every five minutes to fix his hair every hour, on the hour.

 

Yomi had to fight to urge to snicker and say “The girly man can pull it off. You can't.”

 

“Why haven't we found the princess yet? I blame you!” Karasu said, pointing to a soldier.

 

“Me…?” The soldier pointed to himself.

 

“No…not you…all of you! You suck!”

 

The soldiers looked around, not seeming to get it.

 

“I want you all to line up, above that ridge! Right now!”

 

The soldiers obeyed, not really having any choice. If they didn't do exactly what he said, Karasu might sing again. And that was…not to be thought of.

 

“I expected better from all of you!” Karasu began, marching along the line of soldiers, who were dangerously close to falling off the edge of the cliff. “I am paying you to do a service—”

 

“But we aren't getting pa—”

 

“SHUT UP I'M TALKING!!! Now, where was I?”

 

“I am paying you to do a service,” said one of the soldiers.

 

“Ah, yes. Thank you. I am paying you to do a service, and I expect that service to be performed. To my liking. So I am offering you all a choice. You may either find the princess before sundown, and the two weeks following you will attend a daily seminar teaching you about self-respect and respect for your prince. I myself will teach the course, obviously. Your other option is to be pushed off this cliff and splatter all over the rocks and have your remains cleaned up by the local villagers.”

 

The soldiers all glanced at each other, and then their spokesperson said, “We'll take our chances with the cliff. Bombs away!”

 

And so as Karasu went to the end of the line and gave one of the soldiers a shove off the cliff, one of the others muttered, “We gotta join a union…”

 

XXX

 

Meanwhile, just below the cliff, nestled in a tiny village below, an argument was taking place.

“Look! We did not order a giant trampoline!” yelled an angry villager.

 

“Well, pal, you should have said that before I set it up,” the delivery man said, displaying the rather enormous contraption.

 

And then the falling soldier landed on the trampoline and sprung back up, toward the top of the cliff he had just been pushed from.

 

XXX

 

“Well…anyone else?” Karasu smirked, his hand planted on his hips, making him look about as threatening as a French poodle.

 

“AHHHHH!” With that the soldier came springing up from below.

 

“What the…?” Karasu blinked, staring at the soldier, now hovering a few feet above their heads.

 

“Hey, guys, look, it's Bob,” commented one of the soldiers.

 

“Hi, Bob…” the rest of the soldiers chorused.

 

“Bob,” hanging in midair for not more than a few seconds, waved, then slowly drifted back down the cliff.

 

“Bye, Bob…”

 

“Will someone mind telling me why you suddenly have names, and why that guy just came back?” Karasu yelled.

 

“Well, it's simple, really,” said a soldier, nodding and pulling out a well-thought-out chart, complete with pie graph. “As you can see here,” the soldier said, withdrawing a ruler from nowhere and smacking the chart. “Bob is what is known as a `comic relief character.' Us `CRCs,' if you will, don't have names, but in this case, the writers decided that it was best to give Bob a name. Outside this cookie-cutter world we all have `identities,' so to speak…”

 

Karasu stared blankly while the babbling soldier continued.

 

“Now, in the case that a CRC dies, it is slightly comical…” He waved. “Hi, Bob…but also still dramatic at best. Bye, Bob…”

 

Karasu pondered for a moment. “Yes, but why did he come back?”

 

Yomi rolled his eyes. “Make sure to use small words this time.”

 

The soldiers whispered amongst each other, and then finally came up with the most suitable answer. “Manamana.”

 

A chorus of singing soldiers interjected. “Doo doo do do do.”

 

“Manamana.”

 

“Do do do do.”

 

“Manamana.”

 

“Doo doo do-do-do, do-do-do.”

 

Karasu nodded. “Oooh, it makes so much more sense now…hi, Bob!”

 

The soldiers waved at their hovering friend and watched him descend again.

 

“Bob obviously can't die, because…excuse me, what does that card say?”

 

The guy holding the We Cards looked up. “Because this movie is rated PG. Nobody dies.”

 

“Really. Hmm, that's weird. So…” Karasu started shoving the soldiers one by one off the cliff. “They won't die?”

 

“No, but they'll bounce for an eternity on a giant trampoline,” Yomi sighed.

 

Karasu nodded. “Pity…”

 

XXX

 

When Mask reached the crest of the hill, he saw Kurama sitting on a large rock, hands tied behind his back, looking bored to tears, with Sakyou holding a dagger to his throat and looking smug.

 

When Kurama saw Mask, his eyes widened and he probably would have leapt forward if not for the knife. “Oh, thank all the gods in all the heavens! Are you here to kill me?” he asked hopefully. “Please! Say you're either going to kill me or take me away! He won't stop talking!”

 

Mask looked at him for a moment, and then said softly, “I don't know what I'm going to do.” He looked solemn for a moment, then shrugged, muttered, “Whatever,” and took a step forward.

 

Sakyou acted before he'd completed the movement, pressing the sharp edge of the knife against the skin of Kurama's neck, almost hard enough to draw blood but not quite. “No closer.”

 

Mask stopped short. “You wouldn't.”

 

“I would.”

 

“You wouldn't.”

 

“I would.”

 

“YOU SERIOUSLY WOULD NOT!”

 

“What're you, new?”

 

Mask rolled his eyes. “Man, don't you have a life of your own?”

 

While they were holding this very meaningful conversation, Kurama had been half-listening, but now he gave a shout of triumph and held his hands up as the rope tying his hands together fell away. Waving them in front of Sakyou's face, he said gleefully, “Ha ha, you suck!” and then lay down on his back, hands behind his head, whistling as if he had not a care in the world.

 

Sakyou didn't even notice—he was looking rather inclined to strangle Mask—or maybe himself, if and when he was unsuccessful at the former. But his voice was calm when he spoke. “So how do we do this?”

 

“Do what?” Mask asked innocently.

 

“Decide who gets the lady-man.”

 

“Hello! Sitting right here!” Kurama protested.

 

“Hmm…gambling? Poker?” Mask asked, ignoring him.

 

“No cards.”

 

“Combat?”

 

“I suck.”

 

“Riiiight…okay, let's do that.”

 

“No! It would be completely unfair!”

 

“Notice the intimidating mask. Do you think I care?”

 

“Well, I don't know how you guys will figure that out, but maybe, at some point, you'll come to a decision of how many goats I'm worth!” Kurama said, hotly, his voice heavy with sarcasm. When they kept arguing, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small vial. “Here. Here's your solution. It's iocaine powder. Odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid. Use it. I'm going to sleep. Whichever one of you survives, wake me up. If you both die I'm sure I'll wake up on my own eventually.” He threw the vial at them with a look of deep disgust, then lay back on the ground and closed his eyes. “Have fun.”

 

“So it's a battle of wits, then,” Sakyou said, staring at the vial on the ground.

 

Mask shrugged again. “Sure. Good. Pour the wine.”

 

Sakyou, for once, managed to follow the simple directions without too much difficulty. Mask took the glasses and the vial and turned his back on Sakyou. After a moment, he turned back and set the cups on the table. “The battle of wits has begun.”

 

Sakyou immediately began to study the glasses, and Mask watched him. “So…um…do you have family nearby?”

 

Sakyou said nothing.

 

“Okay…um…ever have any pets?”

 

Silence.

 

“All right…any hobbies? Reading? Writing? Arithmetic?”

 

No response.

 

“What's your position on piracy?”

 

“Would you like me to get you a mirror so you can finish this conversation?” Kurama asked lazily from the ground, without opening his eyes or changing his position in the slightest.

 

Mask thought a moment. “Nah. I'd prefer to talk to you. I always found my reflection rather repulsive, anyway.”

 

“Really, is that why you wear a mask?” Kurama asked with genuine interest.

 

“Oh, no, it just sort of crawled up there and made its home on my face. I'm being self-deprecating—I'm actually quite dashing, do you believe me?”

 

“No.”

 

“You aren't even looking!”

 

Kurama turned on his side and studied Mask carefully. “…No. Actually, under that moldy stuff I can't see anything.”

 

“WHAT? I'M MOLDING? HAVE I DIED OF BOREDOM ALREADY?!”

 

“So the mirror thing's a no?”

 

“No.”

 

“So you want a mirror?”

 

“Y—no—I mean—I don't want a mirror and I will talk to you.”

 

“Good,” Kurama said in satisfaction. “So, you seem to know my name, but I have yet to learn yours.”

 

“Why? If we never plan to see each other again there's really no point.”

 

“Fine. If you won't give me a name, I'll give you one. You will be…Chiisai.”

 

Mask pondered this for a moment. “I like it.”

 

“It means `dove.'

 

“What? You named me after a freakin' bird?”

 

“Well, if you refuse a reasonable request you pay the consequences.”

 

Mask glared at him for a moment, then rolled his eyes. “Fine. I'll be a bird. But only for an hour, and then I'm back to being the Nameless Desert Shadow.”

 

“All right. But until then, you get to be a dove!”

 

XXX

 

“The Nameless Desert Shadow?” Li asked incredulously. “WHAT'RE WE, IN A FREAKIN' WESTERN?”

 

Ava and Adara looked at her, wide-eyed. “Should we change it?”

 

Li covered her face and murmured dramatically, “No…the eyes…keep rolling.”

 

XXX

 

“So…how do you deal with anger?” Mask asked.

That's a random question. “I grow things,” Kurama replied dreamily.

 

“What kinds of things?”

 

“Sometimes grass…sometimes flowers…sometimes carnivorous plants, which I am now imagining sticking your hand in.”

 

“Well that's not very nice.”

 

“Well, when you've lived with a deranged psychopath for five years it takes a toll. So how do you deal with anger, Mr. Bird?”

 

“I get angrier. Sometimes, that anger turns to pain. And then there's death…and chaos that rains down on all mankind. It's nice…bloody…comforting. You remember the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Kurama? I am the Four Horsemen.” He grinned suddenly. “Well isn't this nice?”

 

Kurama was shaking, and as Mask watched, the grass around him began to die. “Oh! No! No, no, no, I didn't mean to panic, I'm sorry, come back, please!” he said, brushing the grass gently. The grass began to grow timidly again, and he smiled. “Good. Thank you.”

 

“D'you think Sakyo was raised by pigs?” Mask asked randomly.

 

“No. Pigs would be ashamed to know him.”

 

“Scum?”

 

“Scum flees before him. I know! He's Karasu's long-lost brother!”

 

A pause.

 

“So…did you really love that guy? Karasu?” Mask asked, sounding rather hesitant for the first time.

 

Kurama looked surprised. “Well, I have found that Karasu is a very gay man, because he's loved exactly one man in his entire life: himself.”

 

Mask very nearly smiled, and opened his mouth to speak.

 

“OH, I GIVE UP!” Sakyou suddenly shouted. “I can't choose the wine in front of you and I can't choose the wine in front of me—long, complicated road in my head—so what do I choose?!”

 

“Well, I'm feeling very generous today. You can have both.”

 

“Oh, thank you!” Sakyou said in delight, picking up both glasses and tossing them back. He simply sat there and grinned, and then, without the slightest change of expression, he keeled over.

 

Mask and Kurama jumped up at exactly the same moment to bend over Sakyou.

 

“Hmm…looks dead. Smells dead. We should draw our own conclusions,” Mask said.

 

“Actually, he's quite alive. It was only sleeping powder. Nobody dies in this story.”

 

XXX

 

Li: Cut, and that's a wrap, people!

 

Ava: Here you go, Li. The papers you asked for. sets a mega stack of papers in front of Li and mutters under her breath Slave driver.

 

Li: Oh, goody! Are these all of the scripts for the reunion scene?

 

Ava: Yep. All of them. And the actors have memorized and rehearsed them, so whichever one you pick, they won't be confused.

 

Adara: Uh-huh. And we managed to keep Karasu out of the scene, too.

 

Li: Great! begins throwing papers in the air No, no, no, no, maybe, no, no, definitely not, unlikely, no, no, maybe, no, not happening, no, DEAR GOD NO! Okay, it's down to two choices. Hmm…eenie, meenie, miney, NO! Okay, here. starts to hand paper back to Adara but then snatches it back and scribbles something down Sorry, that was just bugging me.

 

Adara: blinks OCD…Obsessive Compulsive Director…

 

Ava: Yeah, Li, can you say asylum?

 

Ava and Adara: start dancing around Li and singing So welcome to…our little corner of the ward.

 

Li: Shut up! Shut up! hits Ava and Adara over the head with a rolled up newspaper Go! Sit!

 

Ava: Jeez! Li! We're not puppies! We didn't have an accident on the carpet!

 

Adara: Yeah! nurses head wound

 

Li: Sit!

 

Adara: Argh! Fine!

 

Li: We're shooting in three hours, people! Go get lunch!

 

TWO HOURS LATER:

 

Li sits in director's chair, staring thoughtfully at the sky. Ava and Adara come over

 

Ava: Erm…Li?

 

Adara: Whatcha thinkin' about?

 

Li: Nothin'. Just…have you guys looked around lately? We've got all the famous villains and some of the not-so-famous ones, but we're missing the first and last sign of the apocalypse! Where's the clown?

 

Adara: Yeah, whatever happened to Sazuka, anyway?

 

Sazuka walks through the scene wearing a janitor's uniform and sweeping up the scripts Li threw on the ground

 

Ava: Oh.

 

Jin sits on the ground with his arms crossed and his eyes closed and Sazuka sweeps him up

 

Jin: S'cuse me, sir! I'm tryin' to fly here! Don't clowns respect the Irish where ye come from? Yeesh…

 

Li: Excuse me, but can we get the random Irishman off the set, please?

 

Ava: Why?

 

Adara: pats Jin's head and Jin grins happily Yeah, he's not hurting anything, are you, Jin?

 

Ava: C'mon, Jin! C'mon, boy! pats her knee and walks backward with Jin coming toward her Good boy, Jin!

 

Li: watches Ava and Adara go into a trailer with Jin following them like a lost puppy, then looks at sky Can I get a more cracked staff than this?

 

Random bald guy pops up on screen and waves cheese slices around

 

Li: looks up at sky again I withdraw the question.

 

Cheese Man: Thank you. disappears

 

Li: Okay, peeps, shooting in half an hour! Do whatever you need to do and then get to the set! Move it, people!

 

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Well, that's the fifth chapter at last! Yay! Thank you for your patience, everyone! Please review, and we'll try never to go away again!

 

Also, I have a challenge for all of you: This chapter was actually written by three people. If anyone can find all the points where we changed authors, you get virtual plushies and piles of candy!